Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: AndyS on September 09, 2017, 07:48:28 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Trying to figure out who I am
Post by: AndyS on September 09, 2017, 07:48:28 PM
Post by: AndyS on September 09, 2017, 07:48:28 PM
Hi Everyone,
This is the first time I've ever voiced what goes on in my head to anyone, and I'm incredibly anxious as I write this.
I don't know what I'm looking for other than to share my story and hopefully someone telling me I'm normal. I know I shouldn't look to others for validation, but I feel lost at the moment.
I've been questioning my identity alot at the moment. I don't hate being a guy, I don't hate having a penis, but I've always felt an affinity towards women and for as long as I can remember always had a nagging desire that I wished I was born a girl. I worry about what it means to embrace those desires, the impact it would have on everyone around me.
Growing up I was felt different and out of place. I grew up in a religious family with very defined gender roles ingrained in me from a young age. In retrospect, One of the earliest memories was when I was 5 my grandfather gave me a (mens) manicure kit (the irony being he was a southern baptist minister). It was my favourite gift I'd ever been given at the time and I loved taking care of my nails. At 6-7 I remember wanting to steal some of my mother's clothes and dress in them, but being too scared/ashamed to go through with it.
I never fit in or made friends with boys at school, all of my close friends were girls, a trend that's held true to this day.
My first memory of "I think I want to be a girl" was around 11-12, although it wasn't an overwhelming desire, more a nagging in the back of my head. Given the context I grew up in I thought I was just weird and hid the desires from everyone.
I discovered porn around 13 and I found that whenever I watched porn, I aways wanted to be the girl in the scene rather than the guy. This fuelled the idea in my head that I just had a weird fetish.
Sex for me has always been a mental game for me rather than a physical one. I can't remember a time where I've been intimate and haven't been fantasising about the roles being reversed. To this day I've never been able to orgasm while on top.
When I see an attractive girl, whilst there is sexual desire there, my desire to be her.
I've been in a relationship with my now wife since I was 17, and over the years (both jokingly and seriously) my wife has commented repeatedly that I'm more of the girl in the relationship than she is (mainly because I'm more emotional and talk about my feelings more).
When I was 19 we had our first daughter together. This made me do a lot of growing up quickly, and looking after a new born sucked all the energy out of both of us for a while. Once my wife got back to work (she'd work shift work, I'd work 9-5), I started exploring my feminine side and dressing in some of her clothes, which felt good. I was always worried someone would catch me and would go through phases of stopping out of shame (which never lasted more than 2-3 months).
When I was 22 we were blessed with our second daughter, who passed away from SIDS 3 weeks later. This was an incredibly traumatic time for both of us, and my grief at the loss of my child made me numb to everything at the time. My wife, who had a history of self harm and mental health issues, went into a downward spiral and has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for the past 3 years leaving me to hold everything together at home.
Whenever my wife was away I inevitably ended up exploring my femininity again.
For the past few years I've gone through phases where I buy a whole bunch of new clothes, then my desires turn back into an ache from a stabbing desire and I get worried and throw everything out and keep going on in life as a guy.
At the moment the wife is back in hospital and my desires have flared up from being the normal ache in the back of my mind to be nawing in my head. I feel lost and ashamed at the moment. I've always avoided talking to my wife about how I feel given her history of self harm, because I didn't want to push her over the edge, and I'm not sure who I should turn to.
This is the first time I've ever voiced what goes on in my head to anyone, and I'm incredibly anxious as I write this.
I don't know what I'm looking for other than to share my story and hopefully someone telling me I'm normal. I know I shouldn't look to others for validation, but I feel lost at the moment.
I've been questioning my identity alot at the moment. I don't hate being a guy, I don't hate having a penis, but I've always felt an affinity towards women and for as long as I can remember always had a nagging desire that I wished I was born a girl. I worry about what it means to embrace those desires, the impact it would have on everyone around me.
Growing up I was felt different and out of place. I grew up in a religious family with very defined gender roles ingrained in me from a young age. In retrospect, One of the earliest memories was when I was 5 my grandfather gave me a (mens) manicure kit (the irony being he was a southern baptist minister). It was my favourite gift I'd ever been given at the time and I loved taking care of my nails. At 6-7 I remember wanting to steal some of my mother's clothes and dress in them, but being too scared/ashamed to go through with it.
I never fit in or made friends with boys at school, all of my close friends were girls, a trend that's held true to this day.
My first memory of "I think I want to be a girl" was around 11-12, although it wasn't an overwhelming desire, more a nagging in the back of my head. Given the context I grew up in I thought I was just weird and hid the desires from everyone.
I discovered porn around 13 and I found that whenever I watched porn, I aways wanted to be the girl in the scene rather than the guy. This fuelled the idea in my head that I just had a weird fetish.
Sex for me has always been a mental game for me rather than a physical one. I can't remember a time where I've been intimate and haven't been fantasising about the roles being reversed. To this day I've never been able to orgasm while on top.
When I see an attractive girl, whilst there is sexual desire there, my desire to be her.
I've been in a relationship with my now wife since I was 17, and over the years (both jokingly and seriously) my wife has commented repeatedly that I'm more of the girl in the relationship than she is (mainly because I'm more emotional and talk about my feelings more).
When I was 19 we had our first daughter together. This made me do a lot of growing up quickly, and looking after a new born sucked all the energy out of both of us for a while. Once my wife got back to work (she'd work shift work, I'd work 9-5), I started exploring my feminine side and dressing in some of her clothes, which felt good. I was always worried someone would catch me and would go through phases of stopping out of shame (which never lasted more than 2-3 months).
When I was 22 we were blessed with our second daughter, who passed away from SIDS 3 weeks later. This was an incredibly traumatic time for both of us, and my grief at the loss of my child made me numb to everything at the time. My wife, who had a history of self harm and mental health issues, went into a downward spiral and has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for the past 3 years leaving me to hold everything together at home.
Whenever my wife was away I inevitably ended up exploring my femininity again.
For the past few years I've gone through phases where I buy a whole bunch of new clothes, then my desires turn back into an ache from a stabbing desire and I get worried and throw everything out and keep going on in life as a guy.
At the moment the wife is back in hospital and my desires have flared up from being the normal ache in the back of my mind to be nawing in my head. I feel lost and ashamed at the moment. I've always avoided talking to my wife about how I feel given her history of self harm, because I didn't want to push her over the edge, and I'm not sure who I should turn to.
Title: Re: Trying to figure out who I am
Post by: KathyLauren on September 10, 2017, 05:33:04 AM
Post by: KathyLauren on September 10, 2017, 05:33:04 AM
Hi, AndyS!
Welcome to Susan's.
I can't tell you who you are, but it sure sounds to me like you might be trans. I would recommend talking to a gender therapist to explore this more fully.
I would encourage you to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.
Here is some information that we like to share with new members so that you can use the site effectively and safely:
Welcome to Susan's.
I can't tell you who you are, but it sure sounds to me like you might be trans. I would recommend talking to a gender therapist to explore this more fully.
I would encourage you to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.
Here is some information that we like to share with new members so that you can use the site effectively and safely:
Quote
A Cautionary Note:
This is a public forum so please remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there may retain information that you post.
We cannot ensure that any information you share on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction. This warning is also listed in the Terms of Service listed below.
If you give out personal information on Susan's you are responsible for any consequence.
I also want to share some links with you. They include helpful information and the rules that govern the site. It is important for your enjoyment of the site to take a moment to go through themThings that you should read
Title: Re: Trying to figure out who I am
Post by: Ashley3 on September 10, 2017, 06:12:04 AM
Post by: Ashley3 on September 10, 2017, 06:12:04 AM
I'm sorry to hear about some of the losses and difficulties you've experienced in recent times... really difficult stuff... I hope you and your wife find good overall health and harmony.
I agree with KathyLauren... it sounds like you may be trans... keeping in mind being trans is an umbrella with a wide spectrum of possible outcomes... being trans doesn't mean you have to get SRS, HRT, or even dress in certain clothes.
You might want to seek an experienced gender therapist. Both a therapist and online materials can help understand the subject more robustly. This forum is a great place to read experiences to learn from the experiences of others.
I think from now on whenever I see a post seeking to find or contemplate signs of the past which help to explain present-day femininity, I'll think of rmaddy's post from an unrelated thread (you can click to read that thread)...
For clarity, I'm not saying that response applies to you... but it may. And I'm not saying that other thread is related... I just thought you might like to see her brief response too...
The reason I like that post's brevity is it's simplifying such contemplation and it's saying "What you do with that is up to you" which is a really great non-cookie-cutter thing which I like. I don't think the sort of contemplation you're doing is uncommon.
Really... nothing you're doing is wrong... on the surface it's just about clothes and expression at this stage... you're repressed and have a desire to express in a certain way... keep in mind there's nothing wrong with that by itself.
To be clear... I actually think remembering things about the past is great and I've done that plenty... it can be eye-opening and helpful. It's just when I see a lot of that when someone is coming out a bit (i.e., like post #1) ... it makes me want to say "Check in with a great gender therapist... it's okay to be trans... enjoy whatever dressing you want or don't want to do." That may not answer the social questions of how to navigate your relationships, as well as other things... therapy can be great for that other more involved stuff with the right therapist. But starting out by just knowing it's all fine can be a big win. With all of the guilt trips and repressive factors we all can grow up with, just getting to that "it's fine to be me" stage is a great win I feel.
Best of luck with it all as you progress.
I agree with KathyLauren... it sounds like you may be trans... keeping in mind being trans is an umbrella with a wide spectrum of possible outcomes... being trans doesn't mean you have to get SRS, HRT, or even dress in certain clothes.
You might want to seek an experienced gender therapist. Both a therapist and online materials can help understand the subject more robustly. This forum is a great place to read experiences to learn from the experiences of others.
I think from now on whenever I see a post seeking to find or contemplate signs of the past which help to explain present-day femininity, I'll think of rmaddy's post from an unrelated thread (you can click to read that thread)...
Quote from: rmaddy on September 03, 2017, 03:15:37 AM
... You're transgender. ... What you do with that is up to you. Get a good counselor and find a group of affirming friends/family. ... Best of luck on your journey.
For clarity, I'm not saying that response applies to you... but it may. And I'm not saying that other thread is related... I just thought you might like to see her brief response too...
The reason I like that post's brevity is it's simplifying such contemplation and it's saying "What you do with that is up to you" which is a really great non-cookie-cutter thing which I like. I don't think the sort of contemplation you're doing is uncommon.
Really... nothing you're doing is wrong... on the surface it's just about clothes and expression at this stage... you're repressed and have a desire to express in a certain way... keep in mind there's nothing wrong with that by itself.
To be clear... I actually think remembering things about the past is great and I've done that plenty... it can be eye-opening and helpful. It's just when I see a lot of that when someone is coming out a bit (i.e., like post #1) ... it makes me want to say "Check in with a great gender therapist... it's okay to be trans... enjoy whatever dressing you want or don't want to do." That may not answer the social questions of how to navigate your relationships, as well as other things... therapy can be great for that other more involved stuff with the right therapist. But starting out by just knowing it's all fine can be a big win. With all of the guilt trips and repressive factors we all can grow up with, just getting to that "it's fine to be me" stage is a great win I feel.
Best of luck with it all as you progress.
Title: Re: Trying to figure out who I am
Post by: JoanneB on September 10, 2017, 06:26:39 AM
Post by: JoanneB on September 10, 2017, 06:26:39 AM
I can say your feelings mirror a lot of my own.
I can also say, as I always do, "If you think you are trans, you are". The plain fact is cis people don't think about being cis, or trans.
Now the HARD Question that take years to answer, if ever, is sorting out where on "The Spectrum" you are, Today. There is multiple universe between cis-female and cis-male. Sorting out where is easier when you have a for-real gender therapist. Sadly they are usually difficult to imposible to find outside of major metro areas. Next best resource is local or county trans or even LGBT organizations. One good one is PFLAG which usually has a good trans outreach
I can also say, as I always do, "If you think you are trans, you are". The plain fact is cis people don't think about being cis, or trans.
Now the HARD Question that take years to answer, if ever, is sorting out where on "The Spectrum" you are, Today. There is multiple universe between cis-female and cis-male. Sorting out where is easier when you have a for-real gender therapist. Sadly they are usually difficult to imposible to find outside of major metro areas. Next best resource is local or county trans or even LGBT organizations. One good one is PFLAG which usually has a good trans outreach