Susan's Place Transgender Resources

It's just that I have this innate fear that I would never pass, even though I'm just 18 and like I'm an asian, both very good things to transition with. Heck, I haven't even seen a therapist yet (appointments are next wednesday). I know it's really dumb that vanity is one of my major fears of transitioning, but I've felt like I was in the wrong body since I was 7, back when I first heard of transitioning being a thing, I feel like now I'm so close to what I've wanted my whole life, suddenly I'm afraid I'll never pass. Sorry this post was one big mess, I'm anxious for next week and I just wanted to speak out

I know that feeling well.  It's the one thing that holds me back....well maybe the beard stubble.  But as you progress, and talk to your therapist, and friends/family, things get a little easier.  Don't rush it, that confidence will come.

Welcome to Susan's place.  Enjoy your stay, get a drink, chat with us, and be who you want to be.

Quote from: Artesia on September 17, 2017, 12:10:53 AM
I know that feeling well.  It's the one thing that holds me back....well maybe the beard stubble.  But as you progress, and talk to your therapist, and friends/family, things get a little easier.  Don't rush it, that confidence will come.

Welcome to Susan's place.  Enjoy your stay, get a drink, chat with us, and be who you want to be.

its just that, i want it really bad, ive always wanted it really bad. but now that im closer than ever, im just scared i wont pass. its not like im big either, im like 5'4 and i have slim limbs and im like 60kgs, im just afraid face wise, ill never pass.

I have that feeling big time.  However, the thought of not doing it causes great pain.  You are so young that transition will work so much better if you do it now.  From experience putting it off only causes GD to grow and be more intense.  Talk with your support system.  Ultimately it's your decision, but definitely weigh the benefits mentally and physically of doing it now.

Quote from: Bari Jo on September 17, 2017, 12:20:37 AM
I have that feeling big time.  However, the thought of not doing it causes great pain.  You are so young that transition will work so much better if you do it now.  From experience putting it off only causes GD to grow and be more intense.  Talk with your support system.  Ultimately it's your decision, but definitely weigh the benefits mentally and physically of doing it now.

im 100% ready to transition if i know id pass tbh, but its just the fact that im afraid i wont, thats like kinda scaring me. i know its pretty dumb, but if my therapist is ready to give me a diagnosis ill be glad to take it.

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 12:15:06 AM
its just that, i want it really bad, ive always wanted it really bad. but now that im closer than ever, im just scared i wont pass. its not like im big either, im like 5'4 and i have slim limbs and im like 60kgs, im just afraid face wise, ill never pass.

I know I don't fully pass yet.  I had the benefit of not knowing why I hated myself, so this is actually new for me.  I started with that fear, and still have it.  However, I am working past it, and even made a huge stride today.  At 18 your prospects are better than mine, I'm 43.  You are also around 132lbs/ 62kgs lighter than I am.  Take it slow, take it one day at a time.  Talk with your therapist.  The people here are wonderful, and have a lot of experience.  Some things will click right away, others may take a couple goes to get, just breathe, talk it out, and remember to be yourself.  That confidence will come.  Someone will be along shortly to give you a resource list and some rules for the forums.  The Wiki has some great information.  If I can find it before they get it to you, I'll post it here for you.

Quote from: Artesia on September 17, 2017, 12:26:42 AM
I know I don't fully pass yet.  I had the benefit of not knowing why I hated myself, so this is actually new for me.  I started with that fear, and still have it.  However, I am working past it, and even made a huge stride today.  At 18 your prospects are better than mine, I'm 43.  You are also around 132lbs/ 62kgs lighter than I am.  Take it slow, take it one day at a time.  Talk with your therapist.  The people here are wonderful, and have a lot of experience.  Some things will click right away, others may take a couple goes to get, just breathe, talk it out, and remember to be yourself.  That confidence will come.  Someone will be along shortly to give you a resource list and some rules for the forums.  The Wiki has some great information.  If I can find it before they get it to you, I'll post it here for you.

thank you for all the words of encouragement, i hope i can muster up the courage to do it. however, passing is still a big big problem for me that id probably never get over.

Here's that link:

https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page


Hope it works, or just copy paste it.  It is also under the Susan's place banner, about 5 links over.

Hi bronese,

  I'm Laurie, mtf and old. Welcome to Susan's Place. Do come in. It's lonely, scary and cold out there so get on in here.
I know you are afraid that things may not turn out as well as you would like but hey you will never know if you do not do it. You say you really want to transition. If it is something that you believe you need to do then I believe it will stay with you and eventually it may become unbearable to not do it. You are the one that needs to decide what if anything you are going to do. It took be 64 years to discover who I really was and yes I agonized over many thing in that time.
  You are taking a very good first step in talking with a therapist. Be open and honest in talking with them for best results and don't be afraid. Welcome again and good luck with the therapist session.

   Because you are new here, perhaps I can even get you to hop on over to the Introductions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) Thread and  create a post to tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly.

  Also I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site. Please take time to become familiar with them especially the RED one as we are always getting questions that are answered there.

Laurie
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also, like what do i do once i get a diagnosis for GD? sorry for straying a little off topic, just curious.

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 12:37:51 AM
also, like what do i do once i get a diagnosis for GD? sorry for straying a little off topic, just curious.

Lol This is your topic bronese. What to do after? Well I would say do what the doctor suggests. You take things one step at a time and your therapist will likely guide you based on what you want and the needs he sees.


Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on September 17, 2017, 12:45:13 AM
Lol This is your topic bronese. What to do after? Well I would say do what the doctor suggests. You take things one step at a time and your therapist will likely guide you based on what you want and the needs he sees.


Laurie

Well, thank you so so much for everything, this has been of great help to me.

Hi, Bronese!

Given your age and build, you have a really good chance of passing. 

I started at 62.  I am full-time and I am pretty sure I don't pass.  I am finding that it doesn't matter.  I may not be a pretty woman, but I get to be me, and that is what counts.

Take your time and take baby steps.  You may also find that getting to be yourself beats everything.

Quote from: KathyLauren on September 17, 2017, 07:04:33 AM
Hi, Bronese!

Given your age and build, you have a really good chance of passing. 

I started at 62.  I am full-time and I am pretty sure I don't pass.  I am finding that it doesn't matter.  I may not be a pretty woman, but I get to be me, and that is what counts.

Take your time and take baby steps.  You may also find that getting to be yourself beats everything.

for me, passing is everything because its a form of self validation, i believe that being a female is a privilege, so like, i want to be called female pronouns not because i want to be called female pronouns, but because ive earned it and people can use female pronouns on me naturally and instinctihrly.

Hi Bronese. I understand your (and everyone's) desire to pass. But it should not be the driving force or a required condition for your transition if otherwise you are ready. The desire to live authentic life, build relationships as who you are (without the need to risk everything you've built through all you life 20 or 40 years later)...

Imagine what would be the worst thing if you don't pass (however unlikely it may be), or get outed as a trans-female somehow...
Not much really, as a non-passing non-transitioning crossdresser, I've met many more sympathetic people (not from LGBT crowd), I had good friends who liked me and accepted me as I am. I had a decent social life and been to many events and people's attitude was either sympathetic (50%) or they would just ignore me (which most people still do if I am out as a male). And I am not living in your LGBT-friendly city on a coast, but hard-core working town in a Midwest. So, as long as you make a good effort to look nice as a woman, you will be accepted as a woman even if you don't pass totally.

If you are building your life on a strong foundation of being open and honest, if your friends know you, if your employer isn't likely to fire you because he learned you're an MTF (because he hired you knowing it), whether you pass or someone reveals your secret is really irrelevant. One of the good ways to protect yourself from exposure is to have them dark secrets not much of a secret.

PS I am not saying to run around and telling everyone every single fact of your life, but rather not being obsessive totally that you're stealth to a point that even your partner knows you are a trans. Some people might need to know, if their support is important to you, other people don't.


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Quote from: elkie-t on September 17, 2017, 09:31:51 AM
Hi Bronese. I understand your (and everyone's) desire to pass. But it should not be the driving force or a required condition for your transition if otherwise you are ready. The desire to live authentic life, build relationships as who you are (without the need to risk everything you've built through all you life 20 or 40 years later)...

Imagine what would be the worst thing if you don't pass (however unlikely it may be), or get outed as a trans-female somehow...
Not much really, as a non-passing non-transitioning crossdresser, I've met many more sympathetic people (not from LGBT crowd), I had good friends who liked me and accepted me as I am. I had a decent social life and been to many events and people's attitude was either sympathetic (50%) or they would just ignore me (which most people still do if I am out as a male). And I am not living in your LGBT-friendly city on a coast, but hard-core working town in a Midwest. So, as long as you make a good effort to look nice as a woman, you will be accepted as a woman even if you don't pass totally.

If you are building your life on a strong foundation of being open and honest, if your friends know you, if your employer isn't likely to fire you because he learned you're an MTF (because he hired you knowing it), whether you pass or someone reveals your secret is really irrelevant. One of the good ways to protect yourself from exposure is to have them dark secrets not much of a secret.

PS I am not saying to run around and telling everyone every single fact of your life, but rather not being obsessive totally that you're stealth to a point that even your partner knows you are a trans. Some people might need to know, if their support is important to you, other people don't.


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its just that its scary, to know that i wont pass. im ready to be honest with people i meet about who i am, but i am not ready to look into a mirror and not pass. its probably a really dumb problem, but i just cant get it off me.

While there are never any guarantees, a couple of years of HRT will change you a lot.  So its not really useful to look at yourself even before starting and try to figure out if you will pass later on.  The real question is whether or not you need to start and take the chance.  Is it just a passing thought or is it rather something that is all consuming and necessary for your mental well being?

Quote from: Deborah on September 17, 2017, 09:57:38 AM
While there are never any guarantees, a couple of years of HRT will change you a lot.  So its not really useful to look at yourself even before starting and try to figure out if you will pass later on.  The real question is whether or not you need to start and take the chance.  Is it just a passing thought or is it rather something that is all consuming and necessary for your mental well being?

i dont think its "just a passing though" solely because of the fact ive been wanting to transition since i was 7, as young as i know being trans was a thing, i guess im just unnecessarily scared of it, but ill talk to my therapist about this for sure.

Have you ever been out in public dressed as a female? If not, it's much faster (no need to wait months for HRT), and easy to reverse, test on how well you can pass (and learn how to pass better, and see what happens if you don't). We fear what is unknown, once you try it - you'll know and don't fear


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Quote from: elkie-t on September 17, 2017, 10:02:20 AM
Have you ever been out in public dressed as a female? If not, it's much faster (no need to wait months for HRT), and easy to reverse, test on how well you can pass (and learn how to pass better, and see what happens if you don't). We fear what is unknown, once you try it - you'll know and don't fear


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although ive felt the need to transition since i was really young, ive only crossdressed just once like 3 years ago, i honestly wouldnt mind trying hrt to see if i pass or not though.

For me one of the most scary times was just before my very first appointment, with a therapist that full on was gate kept me but diagnosed me with gender dysphoria...go figure ::).

I don't have much to offer aside from personal experience and what worked for me, but of course results should vary, thats what makes life so interesting and beautiful :P

I really do think this is a common fear that takes time to overcome but once you manage to get your confidence up along with the mechanics (make-up game,movement,etc) the fear slowly starts to take a backseat. By confidence I mean confidence in who I am, its one of those things if you are questioning it others will too. I know its one of those things that can send you into a spiral but what worked it for me was the fake it until you make it mentality. 

It also helped going out with my friends or my boyfriend at the time. I have this one friend that could read me like a book and would push me just out of my comfort zone.  Having someone with definitely helps with the fear and I'd speculate it helps by socially reaffirming who I am. Either way, someone in your corner never hurts :)

I wish you the best at your appointment!

Jess

Quote from: esphoria on September 17, 2017, 10:10:00 AM
For me one of the most scary times was just before my very first appointment, with a therapist that full on was gate kept me but diagnosed me with gender dysphoria...go figure ::).

I don't have much to offer aside from personal experience and what worked for me, but of course results should vary, thats what makes life so interesting and beautiful :P

I really do think this is a common fear that takes time to overcome but once you manage to get your confidence up along with the mechanics (make-up game,movement,etc) the fear slowly starts to take a backseat. By confidence I mean confidence in who I am, its one of those things if you are questioning it others will too. I know its one of those things that can send you into a spiral but what worked it for me was the fake it until you make it mentality. 

It also helped going out with my friends or my boyfriend at the time. I have this one friend that could read me like a book and would push me just out of my comfort zone.  Having someone with definitely helps with the fear and I'd speculate it helps by socially reaffirming who I am. Either way, someone in your corner never hurts :)

I wish you the best at your appointment!

Jess

oh god, im honestly glad im not the only one with this stupid little fear. its just that im honestly ready to go on hrt, its just the fear of not passing is holding me back, so i guess the fake it till you make it mentality is the way to go. i honestly hope my therapist wouldnt gatekeep me from hrt, because that would just suck. its super weird, part of mes like "yes just pump that e in me" another parts like, "what if you dont pass, whatre you gonna do?" its really scary and i dont like that its a strong part of pushing me to transition.

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 12:15:06 AM
its just that, i want it really bad, ive always wanted it really bad. but now that im closer than ever, im just scared i wont pass. its not like im big either, im like 5'4 and i have slim limbs and im like 60kgs, im just afraid face wise, ill never pass.

I'm also small, about the same height, and with a small frame. Except I'll be 60 in a couple of months, so I have to watch my diet!

Body wise I'm not bad at all. Even my best friend, who's a cis female will tell me how feminine my legs and feet are. Lol.

But that all ends at my face. Even with makeup I don't think I'm passable, unless I'm in a darkly lit club lol. But yet, I'm "mis gendered" by people who first see me as female and then realize I'm not. So they apologize profusely. And I don't dress as a women. Just an androgynous look.

You're young, so if you start on HRT now it should help. And with Asian features you probably don't need much, or any, FFS.

That's what's holding up my transition. That and facial hair removal. [emoji53]




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Quote from: RavenMoon on September 17, 2017, 10:40:37 AM
I'm also small, about the same height, and with a small frame. Except I'll be 60 in a couple of months, so I have to watch my diet!

Body wise I'm not bad at all. Even my best friend, who's a cis female will tell me how feminine my legs and feet are. Lol.

But that all ends at my face. Even with makeup I don't think I'm passable, unless I'm in a darkly lit club lol. But yet, I'm "mis gendered" by people who first see me as female and then realize I'm not. So they apologize profusely. And I don't dress as a women. Just an androgynous look.

You're young, so if you start on HRT now it should help. And with Asian features you probably don't need much, or any, FFS.

That's what's holding up my transition. That and facial hair removal. [emoji53]




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honestly it's all down to the face on me and its super masterialistic of me to think like that, i hate it but its how i feel. ive honestly never put FFS out of my head and GRS is something im honestly looking forwards to, it just hurts to know that i might not pass and its scary.

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 10:04:18 AM
although ive felt the need to transition since i was really young, ive only crossdressed just once like 3 years ago, i honestly wouldnt mind trying hrt to see if i pass or not though.

You need to be realistic. At some point, somewhere, with somebody, you're not going to pass. HRT is the least likely of any reason to be the cause of that.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 17, 2017, 10:49:18 AM
You need to be realistic. At some point, somewhere, with somebody, you're not going to pass. HRT is the least likely of any reason to be the cause of that.

Hugs, Devlyn

its not that i want to have people see me pass, its myself. i want to be able to look into a mirror and tell myself ive passed and i guess thats all that matters, to me at least. i know i need to be realistic, im honestly trying to be, but its just hard.

Quoteoh god, im honestly glad im not the only one with this stupid little fear. its just that im honestly ready to go on hrt, its just the fear of not passing is holding me back, so i guess the fake it till you make it mentality is the way to go. i honestly hope my therapist wouldnt gatekeep me from hrt, because that would just suck. its super weird, part of mes like "yes just pump that e in me" another parts like, "what if you dont pass, whatre you gonna do?" its really scary and i dont like that its a strong part of pushing me to transition.

Don't be afraid to take you time coming to a conclusion though, even if HRT might be the right choice you don't want to start it until you are ready. everyone is different and have hurdles to overcome and this is one of those things that doesn't really have a timeline.. Take advantage of all the resources you have available, Do research, learn the procedures and drugs so you can be prepared so if/when you are ready to take the next step you understand what to expect.

As many have said before this isn't a sprint or some magic pill, it takes time and you'll have to fight for it at times. Just take it at your own pace and be as prepared as possible.

Quote from: esphoria on September 17, 2017, 11:02:57 AM
Don't be afraid to take you time coming to a conclusion though, even if HRT might be the right choice you don't want to start it until you are ready. everyone is different and have hurdles to overcome and this is one of those things that doesn't really have a timeline.. Take advantage of all the resources you have available, Do research, learn the procedures and drugs so you can be prepared so if/when you are ready to take the next step you understand what to expect.

As many have said before this isn't a sprint or some magic pill, it takes time and you'll have to fight for it at times. Just take it at your own pace and be as prepared as possible.

i feel like im honestly mentally prepared to start hrt once im ready to let go of the fact that i just want to pass.

It's all about finding your style. I would mentally know I'm not passable, but when I am fully made up and ready to go, I can see my inner female looking back from the mirror. It wasn't always the case, it took practice and failures happened quite often even after first successes (different light, morning vs evening, etc). It comes with practice easier and easier, but don't be obsessed with minor imperfections in your mirror.


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Quote from: elkie-t on September 17, 2017, 11:14:29 AM
It's all about finding your style. I would mentally know I'm not passable, but when I am fully made up and ready to go, I can see my inner female looking back from the mirror. It wasn't always the case, it took practice and failures happened quite often even after first successes (different light, morning vs evening, etc). It comes with practice easier and easier, but don't be obsessed with minor imperfections in your mirror.


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well i guess all i can do now is to talk to my therapist and start hrt ASAP and see how it goes huh, literally just wing it.

Quote from: elkie-t on September 17, 2017, 11:14:29 AM
It's all about finding your style. I would mentally know I'm not passable, but when I am fully made up and ready to go, I can see my inner female looking back from the mirror. It wasn't always the case, it took practice and failures happened quite often even after first successes (different light, morning vs evening, etc). It comes with practice easier and easier, but don't be obsessed with minor imperfections in your mirror.


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well i guess all i can do now is to talk to my therapist and start hrt ASAP and see how it goes huh, literally just wing it.

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 11:16:57 AM
well i guess all i can do now is to talk to my therapist and start hrt ASAP and see how it goes huh, literally just wing it.

You can do a lot more. You can come out. You can plan for your life as a female. You can sign up for a beauty school and learn things about makeup. Or learn to sew :) (which is highly useful skill for anyone). You can style your hair (and get highlights). You can start dressing androgynous or wore skirts/dresses publicly anywhere you go. You can start cleaning your face from any beard/mustache. You can do a lot before starting hormones as our British sisters have to prove (unfortunately).

Btw, there _will_ be a period when HRT kicks in and your body starts changes when you will be questioned a lot by people who know you. If you aren't comfortable coming out now, do you have a plan how to deal with it when you grow your own breasts?

Welcome, Sister! This place is absolutely wonderful. I just started HRT on Thursday & everyone's been so kind & caring, & helpful w/ my many questions. You are definitely in the right place! Being new to the journey myself, I don't have a lot of knowledge to share, but perhaps you will feel somewhat reassured to know that the way you're feeling is perfectly natural. I felt the same way for a long time. Whenever I looked in the mirror all I could see was an ugly, hairy man. After a lot of research on feminizing hormones & surgeries I learned that there were a LOT of options, & i decided to finally go for it. I gradually began to feel more confident in my decision, which also gave me confidence in myself; & now, when I look in the mirror, I can see that I actually have rather feminine features, & I can't WAIT to see these develop over the next few months!! I don't know if this will work for you, but maybe give it a shot! At the very least you'll realize that HRT is just the tip of the iceberg! And no matter what happens, just try & stay positive!
Much love! -Jessi

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Quote from: JessiCalypsoƸ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ on September 17, 2017, 11:27:58 AM
Welcome, Sister! This place is absolutely wonderful. I just started HRT on Thursday & everyone's been so kind & caring, & helpful w/ my many questions. You are definitely in the right place! Being new to the journey myself, I don't have a lot of knowledge to share, but perhaps you will feel somewhat reassured to know that the way you're feeling is perfectly natural. I felt the same way for a long time. Whenever I looked in the mirror all I could see was an ugly, hairy man. After a lot of research on feminizing hormones & surgeries I learned that there were a LOT of options, & i decided to finally go for it. I gradually began to feel more confident in my decision, which also gave me confidence in myself; & now, when I look in the mirror, I can see that I actually have rather feminine features, & I can't WAIT to see these develop over the next few months!! I don't know if this will work for you, but maybe give it a shot! At the very least you'll realize that HRT is just the tip of the iceberg! And no matter what happens, just try & stay positive!
Much love! -Jessi

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Thank you for all the support, and im glad youre happy with how you look like, but honestly, i dont exactly think ill pass even though im asian and im still young, all i can hope for is that my body is susceptible to estrogen and my body just flips. so yea, im probably gonna give hrt a shot because its something ive always wanted and probably always will want, might as well get it over with now than regret it later, right?

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 10:50:52 AMi want to be able to look into a mirror and tell myself ive passed

This might be an unrealistic ambition.  Passing implies that someone else wil not guess your history when they look at you.  When you look in the mirror, you already know your history.  You can only judge whether or not you pass by noticing other people's reactions to you.

Quote from: KathyLauren on September 17, 2017, 11:56:29 AM
This might be an unrealistic ambition.  Passing implies that someone else wil not guess your history when they look at you.  When you look in the mirror, you already know your history.  You can only judge whether or not you pass by noticing other people's reactions to you.

well that is a fair point, i guess the only choice i have is to just begin hrt and just see where it brings me.

I'm worried when people look upon HRT as some miracle elixir. HRT does subtle changes over a period of time. Yes it does or can affect you quite quickly but that is mainly a mental change. The physical changes if any can take some time and can be very variable.

I think there is an unreal expectation, yes it does help, yes it is wonderful but it doesn't replace hard work and effort.

I doubt that I could easily pass as a man anymore but that is 7 years of HRT, grooming, practice and effort.  I can and do pass as a woman, after all I am one.

That is the 'secret' of passing.

Being yourself.

So stop worrying about HRT and be you.

Quote from: Cindy on September 17, 2017, 12:10:50 PM
I'm worried when people look upon HRT as some miracle elixir. HRT does subtle changes over a period of time. Yes it does or can affect you quite quickly but that is mainly a mental change. The physical changes if any can take some time and can be very variable.

I think there is an unreal expectation, yes it does help, yes it is wonderful but it doesn't replace hard work and effort.

I doubt that I could easily pass as a man anymore but that is 7 years of HRT, grooming, practice and effort.  I can and do pass as a woman, after all I am one.

That is the 'secret' of passing.

Being yourself.

So stop worrying about HRT and be you.

yes i get it, thank you for all these supportive words.

If you make an effort to be a "real girl", it will work out. People may notice you are trans, but if you have put in the effort, there will be more acceptance, maybe total acceptance. If you didn't care, and were a hairy, lurching, manly beast in a dress, well, that's not a good effort and the public's acceptance will be a fraction of what it should be. It's just our society, they expect a certain amount compliance with the status quo. Put in the effort, and I think you'll be pleased.

Quote from: amandam on September 17, 2017, 12:19:32 PM
If you make an effort to be a "real girl", it will work out. People may notice you are trans, but if you have put in the effort, there will be more acceptance, maybe total acceptance. If you didn't care, and were a hairy, lurching, manly beast in a dress, well, that's not a good effort and the public's acceptance will be a fraction of what it should be. It's just our society, they expect a certain amount compliance with the status quo. Put in the effort, and I think you'll be pleased.

ill honestly put in a lot of effort regardless if i pass or not, i pretty much base myself on nothing but vanity, although unhealthy can help me get by things easier and i feel like hrt can help me get something ive wanted for a long long time, which is transitioning.

Well, we all want to be beautiful. Even cis-girls do. Nothing you had said is out of line. Try to stay positive and not stress too much on the passing thing. See how it goes over time. Patience, Grasshopper.

Quote from: amandam on September 17, 2017, 12:26:39 PM
Well, we all want to be beautiful. Even cis-girls do. Nothing you had said is out of line. Try to stay positive and not stress too much on the passing thing. See how it goes over time. Patience, Grasshopper.

yea i guess ill try hrt asap and see if it effects me positively and just work from there.

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 12:27:22 PM
yea i guess ill try hrt asap and see if it effects me positively and just work from there.

Good plan. You could also do stuff like work on your voice, your walking, etc. to keep you busy so you don't fret so much. I'm using a Tria 4x laser on my hands since I was "blessed" with some Spanish blood. I keep telling myself, it'll work out in the end, just don't fret and keep moving.

Quote from: amandam on September 17, 2017, 12:30:56 PM
Good plan. You could also do stuff like work on your voice, your walking, etc. to keep you busy so you don't fret so much. I'm using a Tria 4x laser on my hands since I was "blessed" with some Spanish blood. I keep telling myself, it'll work out in the end, just don't fret and keep moving.

honestly walking isnt something i worry about because i never walked in like a manly strut, my steps have always been small little steps which kinda makes me super slow when i go out with my guy friends. hair wise? defo, ill either wax or laser once i get on hrt. ill just have to work my mind off it huh.

See, you are making progress!  Stay focused. I have some mantras I use to combat negative thoughts, such as, "I am okay", or "I am just as good as anyone else and deserve happiness too". Try some that work for you. Every time you feel you are getting down on yourself, try to remember to change your thoughts to positive thoughts.

Quote from: amandam on September 17, 2017, 12:36:24 PM
See, you are making progress!  Stay focused. I have some mantras I use to combat negative thoughts, such as, "I am okay", or "I am just as good as anyone else and deserve happiness too". Try some that work for you. Every time you feel you are getting down on yourself, try to remember to change your thoughts to positive thoughts.

thank you so so much for all the advice, it honestly helps a lot knowing there are other people facing the same problem i am too, and this feeling isnt just me being an idiot.

You are not an idiot. Many of us are in the same boat as you. You have friends here. I am new here also and these people here have helped me with their total acceptance and caring. Stick around and get involved in the threads!

Quote from: amandam on September 17, 2017, 12:52:33 PM
You are not an idiot. Many of us are in the same boat as you. You have friends here. I am new here also and these people here have helped me with their total acceptance and caring. Stick around and get involved in the threads!

yea, ill probably do that once i start hrt and get used to my body.

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 09:11:03 AM
for me, passing is everything because its a form of self validation, i believe that being a female is a privilege, so like, i want to be called female pronouns not because i want to be called female pronouns, but because ive earned it and people can use female pronouns on me naturally and instinctihrly.

Being gendered correctly by others on a regular basis is a form of validation, but it is external (outside yourself) and therefore always dependent to some extent on others.  Self-validation is internal (coming from within you) and arises from you accepting yourself for who you are.  You are in control of that.

I came out while working in a hospital where I have now served for 18+ years.  My co-workers there, at least the older ones, knew me for half that time as male.  When I came out, I learned to be comfortable with my feminine self-expression, and so did they.  Their acceptance of me very much paralleled my acceptance of myself (and their respect for me as a valuable member of our team).  It had nothing to do with whether or not I passed.  When I was ready to change my pronouns, they made the switch as well--albeit with some adjustment time--not because I had "earned it" by being unrecognizably trans, but because I asked them to.

It is always your closest contacts--family and old friends--who will misgender you the most.  When I am out shopping, strangers cue off my presentation.  I am rarely misgendered by a stranger because people recognize how I want to be addressed by the way I dress.  It makes very little difference if they register that I am trans or not.

Being female is not a privilege.  You would find far more societal privilege as a male, if that were comfortable for you.  The sense I get from your post is that it is not comfortable for you, and you strongly desire to transition.  Take these thoughts and feelings to a counselor and work them through.  Allowing your ability to pass to determine what you do is giving an immense amount of power to people you don't even know to control your life.  Don't do that.

Quote from: rmaddy on September 17, 2017, 12:54:20 PM
Being gendered correctly by others on a regular basis is a form of validation, but it is external (outside yourself) and therefore always dependent to some extent on others.  Self-validation is internal (coming from within you) and arises from you accepting yourself for who you are.  You are in control of that.

I came out while working in a hospital where I have now served for 18+ years.  My co-workers there, at least the older ones, knew me for half that time as male.  When I came out, I learned to be comfortable with my feminine self-expression, and so did they.  There acceptance of me very much paralleled my acceptance of myself (and their respect for me as a valuable member of our team).  It had nothing to do with whether or not I passed.  When I was ready to change my pronouns, they made the switch as well--albeit with some adjustment time--not because I had "earned it" by being unrecognizably trans, but because I asked them to.

It is always your closest contacts--family and old friends--who will misgender you the most.  When I am out shopping, strangers cue off my presentation.  I am rarely misgendered by a stranger because people recognize how I want to be addressed by the way I dress.  It makes very little difference if they register that I am trans or not.

Being female is not a privilege.  You would find far more societal privilege as a male, if that were comfortable for you.  The sense I get from your post is that it is not comfortable for you, and you strongly desire to transition.  Take these thoughts and feelings to a counselor and work them through.  Allowing your ability to pass to determine what you do is giving an immense amount of power to people you don't even know to control your life.  Don't do that.

yes, i get where youre coming from and i know its not healthy, basing my entire life solely on aesthetics. but yea, im honestly trying to drop it, to drop the mindset that i need to be feminine to pass, and im trying my hardest to do it, hopefully talking to my therapist would help me alleviate or just clear up my problems.

Rmaddy is so right. There is a bit of a self-esteem issue here. I have it to. Self-acceptance of yourself should be one of your primary goals. Think about it, if you totally accepted yourself, you wouldn't care if you passed or not.

Quote from: amandam on September 17, 2017, 01:01:11 PM
Rmaddy is so right. There is a bit of a self-esteem issue here. I have it to. Self-acceptance of yourself should be one of your primary goals. Think about it, if you totally accepted yourself, you wouldn't care if you passed or not.

i guess it is a bit of a self esteem issue, and ill just have to live it out i guess.

Well, it'll take time. The best thing to do is try to chill out about things and just inch forward. Baby steps.

Quote from: amandam on September 17, 2017, 01:08:33 PM
Well, it'll take time. The best thing to do is try to chill out about things and just inch forward. Baby steps.

yea i guess, until i get to see the therapist i guess.

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 12:58:12 PM
yes, i get where youre coming from and i know its not healthy, basing my entire life solely on aesthetics. but yea, im honestly trying to drop it, to drop the mindset that i need to be feminine to pass, and im trying my hardest to do it, hopefully talking to my therapist would help me alleviate or just clear up my problems.

Talking to a therapist can help. Meeting other transgender people face to face can help.  Cultivating friendships with other transgender people really helps. 

The other thing that will help is presenting the way you feel most comfortable consistently.  Yes, there will be times when you get misgendered, or lack confidence, but you gain confidence through experience.  This is the basic idea behind the real life test.

We have all felt the insecurities that you do.  It's part of the "fun" of being trans.  I wish you a very happy exploration and if you choose, transition.

Quote from: rmaddy on September 17, 2017, 01:24:09 PM
Talking to a therapist can help. Meeting other transgender people face to face can help.  Cultivating friendships with other transgender people really helps. 

The other thing that will help is presenting the way you feel most comfortable consistently.  Yes, there will be times when you get misgendered, or lack confidence, but you gain confidence through experience.  This is the basic idea behind the real life test.

We have all felt the insecurities that you do.  It's part of the "fun" of being trans.  I wish you a very happy exploration and if you choose, transition.

ive honestly wanted to transition the moment i knew transitioning was a thing, which was when i was 7, i doubt anything can change my mind 11 years in and i doubt anything will, ive done all the necessary research on hrt, ffs and grs and im ready to take on whatevers ready for it. honestly, my main source of dysphoria is genital dysphoria and ive always felt weird with it. i think im honestly mentally ready for it, but not physically, if that makes sense.

Hi bronese. I might just add something, though someone might've said it already. "Passing" is more of a thing on a spectrum. You can give a totally female impression, so that anyone with any intelligence would see you're a woman; but still occasionally get misgendered, and well...that's life. A few months ago, when I knew I wanted to transition but had done literally nothing about it yet, I was also worried about this - I wanted to know that at some point in the future I could walk down the street and not a single person would guess I'd been born male. But now I think, actually I don't want to hide, and pretend that I'm cis. There is a way to be dignified, clearly feminine and still make people wonder if you're trans. Visibility is good. Yes, I want to pass as female one day, but I think that means a different thing for me than for some others.

Also worth saying, you can do literally whatever you want, and if they feel like it, cis are still gonna misgender you. It's just what they do. It doesn't mean you're not totally feminine, but they'll find their cues.

But yeah, you're short, you're Asian, you're young, you'll be totally fine. Get out there and start practising :P

Quote from: Leila94 on September 17, 2017, 01:34:54 PM
Hi bronese. I might just add something, though someone might've said it already. "Passing" is more of a thing on a spectrum. You can give a totally female impression, so that anyone with any intelligence would see you're a woman; but still occasionally get misgendered, and well...that's life. A few months ago, when I knew I wanted to transition but had done literally nothing about it yet, I was also worried about this - I wanted to know that at some point in the future I could walk down the street and not a single person would guess I'd been born male. But now I think, actually I don't want to hide, and pretend that I'm cis. There is a way to be dignified, clearly feminine and still make people wonder if you're trans. Visibility is good. Yes, I want to pass as female one day, but I think that means a different thing for me than for some others.

Also worth saying, you can do literally whatever you want, and if they feel like it, cis are still gonna misgender you. It's just what they do. It doesn't mean you're not totally feminine, but they'll find their cues.

But yeah, you're short, you're Asian, you're young, you'll be totally fine. Get out there and start practising :P

aww thanks, but yea i guess im just gonna have to probably lower my standards for whats "passing" and i guess people will always misgender me and i guess itll always hurt. so id probably just have to get over the fear and just go try to get hrt ASAP.

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 01:38:22 PM
aww thanks, but yea i guess im just gonna have to probably lower my standards for whats "passing" and i guess people will always misgender me and i guess itll always hurt. so id probably just have to get over the fear and just go try to get hrt ASAP.

Sure, lower your standards for now. It's tempting to beat myself up with every misgendering, but I try and tell myself there are just thousands of tiny little "feminine" things that we're not doing and which we'll pick up over time. ^_^

The problem with deciding that you must pass is that when you don't, you see it as a failure on your part. 

Most people who misgender you do so without thinking about it.  Some subtle ratio of measurements on your facial structure or figure led to an invisible calculus that led them to the wrong conclusion.  Had they been more attentive (and most people aren't), they might have noticed your purse, your clothing, the way you carried yourself, etc.  Do you really want your sense of personal success to rest on their subconscious assumptions or their lack of attention? 

It sounds like you have figured out quite a bit on your own, but you will be amazed how much more there is to learn as you talk it out with friends, counselors and family. 

Quote from: rmaddy on September 17, 2017, 02:31:10 PM
The problem with deciding that you must pass is that when you don't, you see it as a failure on your part. 

Most people who misgender you do so without thinking about it.  Some subtle ratio of measurements on your facial structure or figure led to an invisible calculus that led them to the wrong conclusion.  Had they been more attentive (and most people aren't), they might have noticed your purse, your clothing, the way you carried yourself, etc.  Do you really want your sense of personal success to rest on their subconscious assumptions or their lack of attention? 

It sounds like you have figured out quite a bit on your own, but you will be amazed how much more there is to learn as you talk it out with friends, counselors and family.

yep and i am both excited and terrified to see my therapist next Wednesday. i guess its just a dumb problem im having.

Quote from: Cindy on September 17, 2017, 12:10:50 PM
I'm worried when people look upon HRT as some miracle elixir. HRT does subtle changes over a period of time. Yes it does or can affect you quite quickly but that is mainly a mental change. The physical changes if any can take some time and can be very variable.

I think there is an unreal expectation, yes it does help, yes it is wonderful but it doesn't replace hard work and effort.

I doubt that I could easily pass as a man anymore but that is 7 years of HRT, grooming, practice and effort.  I can and do pass as a woman, after all I am one.

That is the 'secret' of passing.

Being yourself.

So stop worrying about HRT and be you.

HRT is the icing, but it's up to us to be the Cupcakes.  ;D  ;)

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 17, 2017, 03:00:48 PM
HRT is the icing, but it's up to us to be the Cupcakes.  ;D  ;)

Hugs, Devlyn

i hope i can become the cupcake i want to be that the icing that is hrt can compliment me with.

Quote from: rmaddy on September 17, 2017, 02:31:10 PM
The problem with deciding that you must pass is that when you don't, you see it as a failure on your part.

Yes! Exactly.

Quote from: Leila94 on September 17, 2017, 03:16:42 PM
Yes! Exactly.

ugh ill probably try to talk it out with my therapist next week.

QuoteHRT is the icing, but it's up to us to be the Cupcakes.  ;D  ;)

I love this one.... Well said

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 01:38:22 PM
aww thanks, but yea i guess im just gonna have to probably lower my standards for whats "passing" and i guess people will always misgender me and i guess itll always hurt. so id probably just have to get over the fear and just go try to get hrt ASAP.

You aren't lowering your standards of presentation or efforts (unless you don't want to bother anymore), you lower expectations of other people (the society) and dependency on their validation. I believe it's a healthy thing.

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 01:38:22 PM
aww thanks, but yea i guess im just gonna have to probably lower my standards for whats "passing" and i guess people will always misgender me and i guess itll always hurt. so id probably just have to get over the fear and just go try to get hrt ASAP.

You aren't lowering your standards of presentation or efforts (unless you don't want to bother anymore), you lower expectations of other people (the society) and dependency on their validation. I believe it's a healthy thing.

Quote from: elkie-t on September 17, 2017, 04:49:07 PM
You aren't lowering your standards of presentation or efforts (unless you don't want to bother anymore), you lower expectations of other people (the society) and dependency on their validation. I believe it's a healthy thing.

so like what i should do is to not expect so much from society and just feel like i pass from my own feelings?

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 04:51:08 PM
so like what i should do is to not expect so much from society and just feel like i pass from my own feelings?

Don't put so much stress on yourself whether you pass or not. Even a non-passing person can be accepted. In fact acceptance into a community is nicer than passing among strangers. Or as some writer said, one's transition success can be judged by the number of female friends (not by the number of boyfriends)

Quote from: elkie-t on September 17, 2017, 04:59:36 PM
Don't put so much stress on yourself whether you pass or not. Even a non-passing person can be accepted. In fact acceptance into a community is nicer than passing among strangers. Or as some writer said, one's transition success can be judged by the number of female friends (not by the number of boyfriends)

but like, honestly passing is more for myself rather than for acceptance, as long as i can accept myself by passing, i could have all the hate in the world and id probably be still happy with myself.

If I may offer my opinion, and that is all it is.  Passability Is not only a matter of appearance it is also a  matter of confidence, and esteem.  Three years ago I would not walk out my doorway in the daytime and Rarely left the confines of my house. What helped my fear, was to get over what people thought. This is your journey, not theirs, and you are doing this for you. I saw this as a road to self, and it needed to continue.  Even if it meant dark sunglasses and a long coat it still meant growth for me. Fast forward 3 years I am full time and hrt for 2.5 years. Do i pass? Sometimes I look like a boy in a dress. Do I care, Not overly.   I am a lot happier than i ever was.

Is this for everyone no, I took it all in baby steps and knew I could go back if I wanted to , but really never had the desire.  Take your time baby steps if you need.   Once again just my thoughts

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 04:51:08 PM
so like what i should do is to not expect so much from society and just feel like i pass from my own feelings?

Basically yes, although over time if you are presenting consistently, you have the right to expect people to gender you in accordance with that presentation.  As for you, don't be in a hurry if you can help it.  Learn to accept yourself as a transwoman.  It's a pretty exciting and amazing thing to be. 

Quote from: Laurie K on September 17, 2017, 06:16:13 PM
If I may offer my opinion, and that is all it is.  Passability Is not only a matter of appearance it is also a  matter of confidence, and esteem.  Three years ago I would not walk out my doorway in the daytime and Rarely left the confines of my house. What helped my fear, was to get over what people thought. This is your journey, not theirs, and you are doing this for you. I saw this as a road to self, and it needed to continue.  Even if it meant dark sunglasses and a long coat it still meant growth for me. Fast forward 3 years I am full time and hrt for 2.5 years. Do i pass? Sometimes I look like a boy in a dress. Do I care, Not overly.   I am a lot happier than i ever was.

Is this for everyone no, I took it all in baby steps and knew I could go back if I wanted to , but really never had the desire.  Take your time baby steps if you need.   Once again just my thoughts

taking baby steps is probably my best and only choice now so yea, thank you so much.

Quote from: rmaddy on September 17, 2017, 06:17:16 PM
Basically yes, although over time if you are presenting consistently, you have the right to expect people to gender you in accordance with that presentation.  As for you, don't be in a hurry if you can help it.  Learn to accept yourself as a transwoman.  It's a pretty exciting and amazing thing to be.

well yea, baby steps huh. gonna have to try to see how hrt even effects me in the long run tbh.

Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 05:03:07 PM
but like, honestly passing is more for myself rather than for acceptance, as long as i can accept myself by passing, i could have all the hate in the world and id probably be still happy with myself.

Ok, so what prevents you from passing in your own eyes? Be very specific, generalizations like 'I look like a boy in a dress don't tell what makes you think so'.

And you haven't answered my question, do you have a plan to deal with your family and friends once HRT picks up?

Quote from: elkie-t on September 17, 2017, 06:44:42 PM
Ok, so what prevents you from passing in your own eyes? Be very specific, generalizations like 'I look like a boy in a dress don't tell what makes you think so'.

And you haven't answered my question, do you have a plan to deal with your family and friends once HRT picks up?

for me, the thing thats holding me back is that i have a pretty manly looking face. i dont plan to ever tell my parents about transitioning honestly, not until im at least financially stable, but i am telling my friends about it and theyve been generally accepting.

Quote from: elkie-t on September 17, 2017, 06:44:42 PM
Ok, so what prevents you from passing in your own eyes? Be very specific, generalizations like 'I look like a boy in a dress don't tell what makes you think so'.

And you haven't answered my question, do you have a plan to deal with your family and friends once HRT picks up?

for me, the thing thats holding me back is that i have a pretty manly looking face. i dont plan to ever tell my parents about transitioning honestly, not until im at least financially stable, but i am telling my friends about it and theyve been generally accepting.

Quote from: elkie-t on September 17, 2017, 06:44:42 PM
Ok, so what prevents you from passing in your own eyes? Be very specific, generalizations like 'I look like a boy in a dress don't tell what makes you think so'.

And you haven't answered my question, do you have a plan to deal with your family and friends once HRT picks up?

specifically its the fact that I have a really big head

Quote from: elkie-t on September 17, 2017, 06:44:42 PM
Ok, so what prevents you from passing in your own eyes? Be very specific, generalizations like 'I look like a boy in a dress don't tell what makes you think so'.

And you haven't answered my question, do you have a plan to deal with your family and friends once HRT picks up?

specifically its the fact that I have a really big head

That's what I suspected... you are about start taking hormones without parents support. Yet at the same time you're financially dependent from them.

Scenario #1: as soon as HRT causes changes (and not so drastic, first minor ones), your parents will notice and confront you. They would insist to bring you to a doctor if you play innocence and pretend you don't know, or act as if in denial. Later they will find out that you started hormones without letting them know first. Opportunity to ask them for support is lost.

Scenario #2: you tell them how did you feel since age 7. More likely than not, they noticed something too. But maybe not. They feel hurt and try to make you change your mind, but you remind them you can really make decisions without their consent, yet it would really hurt you in many ways if you have to leave home. You get a job and start planning for your independence. You might actually gain their support somewhere, and with their support you'd be way ahead. And if support doesn't materialize, you will start HRT maybe a few years later, when you are financially capable, but you will have a higher ground than your parents.

Don't underestimate them, don't push them out of your life. Parents are there to help you, not hinder 


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Quote from: elkie-t on September 17, 2017, 07:10:16 PM
That's what I suspected... you are about start taking hormones without parents support. Yet at the same time you're financially dependent from them.

Scenario #1: as soon as HRT causes changes (and not so drastic, first minor ones), your parents will notice and confront you. They would insist to bring you to a doctor if you play innocence and pretend you don't know, or act as if in denial. Later they will find out that you started hormones without letting them know first. Opportunity to ask them for support is lost.

Scenario #2: you tell them how did you feel since age 7. More likely than not, they noticed something too. But maybe not. They feel hurt and try to make you change your mind, but you remind them you can really make decisions without their consent, yet it would really hurt you in many ways if you have to leave home. You get a job and start planning for your independence. You might actually gain their support somewhere, and with their support you'd be way ahead. And if support doesn't materialize, you will start HRT maybe a few years later, when you are financially capable, but you will have a higher ground than your parents.

Don't underestimate them, don't push them out of your life. Parents are there to help you, not hinder 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

no, so like im currently studying canada (originally from malaysia) and im not gonna see my parents for at least 2 more years, so they wouldnt actually find out.

Quote from: amandam on September 17, 2017, 12:19:32 PM
If you make an effort to be a "real girl", it will work out. People may notice you are trans, but if you have put in the effort, there will be more acceptance, maybe total acceptance. If you didn't care, and were a hairy, lurching, manly beast in a dress, well, that's not a good effort and the public's acceptance will be a fraction of what it should be. It's just our society, they expect a certain amount compliance with the status quo. Put in the effort, and I think you'll be pleased.

"a hairy, lurching, manly beast in a dress" made me literally laugh out loud! Thanks, I needed that today! :)

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Quote from: bronese on September 17, 2017, 11:47:23 AM
Thank you for all the support, and im glad youre happy with how you look like, but honestly, i dont exactly think ill pass even though im asian and im still young, all i can hope for is that my body is susceptible to estrogen and my body just flips. so yea, im probably gonna give hrt a shot because its something ive always wanted and probably always will want, might as well get it over with now than regret it later, right?

If you're absolutely, 100% certain u want it, & it sounds like u do, then go for it!! One of the reasons I held off on starting HRT recently was because I was afraid I'd waited too long (I'm 33), & i deeply regretted missing the chance to look more feminine... I'm over it now, as I know I was nowhere near ready back then, but for a while I felt very depressed.  As you're already aware, you'll most likely have MUCH better results being young, as the testosterone hasn't finished "damaging" your body yet, lol. Now, don't quote me on this, as I could be wrong, but from the research I've done, you MAY have some slight changes in bone structure and/or growth since you're still developing. Perhaps your face will "feminize" (not sure if that's a word? Kinda sounds like "demonize," maybe a poor choice, lol) more than u expect. There's no way to know, so like I said before, just try & stay positive! I'll send some good vibes your way, Sister!! [emoji6]

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Quote from: JessiCalypsoƸ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ on September 18, 2017, 07:18:54 AM
If you're absolutely, 100% certain u want it, & it sounds like u do, then go for it!! One of the reasons I held off on starting HRT recently was because I was afraid I'd waited too long (I'm 33), & i deeply regretted missing the chance to look more feminine... I'm over it now, as I know I was nowhere near ready back then, but for a while I felt very depressed.  As you're already aware, you'll most likely have MUCH better results being young, as the testosterone hasn't finished "damaging" your body yet, lol. Now, don't quote me on this, as I could be wrong, but from the research I've done, you MAY have some slight changes in bone structure and/or growth since you're still developing. Perhaps your face will "feminize" (not sure if that's a word? Kinda sounds like "demonize," maybe a poor choice, lol) more than u expect. There's no way to know, so like I said before, just try & stay positive! I'll send some good vibes your way, Sister!! [emoji6]

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god thank you so much for the positivity. yea testosterone is one hell of a ->-bleeped-<-ty hormone and id love to get rid of it from my body. i can only hope estrogen works its wonder on my tiny body :///:

I am MtF and I think testosterone is wonderful - for the right person.  We have decided to become our true selves, and in some cases that requites a little or a lot of effort and changes. 

To live and enjoy the best life possible some of us need to head in one particular direction, some of us in the other direction, and some are just fine aiming for the middle (non-binary).  To me, this is freedom.

I dislike the term "passing" because it implies the opposite is to fail which is not the case at all.  In my mind, the only failure is narrow-minded people judging me when I didn't ask their opinion.

Quote from: Kendra on September 18, 2017, 09:19:20 AM
I am MtF and I think testosterone is wonderful - for the right person.  We have decided to become our true selves, and in some cases that requites a little or a lot of effort and changes. 

To live and enjoy the best life possible some of us need to head in one particular direction, some of us in the other direction, and some are just fine aiming for the middle (non-binary).  To me, this is freedom.

I dislike the term "passing" because it implies the opposite is to fail which is not the case at all.  In my mind, the only failure is narrow-minded people judging me when I didn't ask their opinion.

that is a very interesting PoV to be in and ill definitely look into it, it sounds interesting and i kinda agreee with it.