Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I came out to my SO about two months ago now and since then we've been working through what we have termed the 'scandal' (a joke as we live in quite small sleepy rural area) as well as some other issues in our relationship. I think we've made some really good progress but one thing that keeps coming up is my SOs need to tell everyone. I can completely understand talking to someone as that's been a huge help to me and she just isn't someone who can bottle things up. Don't started with her talking to her line manager and taking some time off work to process it, then her mum and so then dad knew as well and supposedly her brother 'guessed'. Now she's told one of her friends and wants to Go on telling more. Apart from her brother she has asked and we have agreed at each stage but it's the speed she comes up with new people that is quite scary. The more people that know the more pressure I feel I'm coming under. Does anyone else have any experience with this?

Molly

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk

Sorry Molly my wife rid herself of me  over twenty years ago. So nope no help here. Enjoy your coming out. It's not all bad you know?

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: MollyPants on September 22, 2017, 04:28:11 AM
I came out to my SO about two months ago now and since then we've been working through what we have termed the 'scandal' (a joke as we live in quite small sleepy rural area) as well as some other issues in our relationship. I think we've made some really good progress but one thing that keeps coming up is my SOs need to tell everyone. I can completely understand talking to someone as that's been a huge help to me and she just isn't someone who can bottle things up. Don't started with her talking to her line manager and taking some time off work to process it, then her mum and so then dad knew as well and supposedly her brother 'guessed'. Now she's told one of her friends and wants to Go on telling more. Apart from her brother she has asked and we have agreed at each stage but it's the speed she comes up with new people that is quite scary. The more people that know the more pressure I feel I'm coming under. Does anyone else have any experience with this?

Molly

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk

Well, you probably gave your SO the standard 'i was born this way' and 'I need to express myself'. Essentially, she is clearing the road for it to avoid surprises. Some people just don't want to keep secrets

My wife told her mom and my step son right away. I think it was before I even talked with my mom about me. It does get to feeling scary. My son then told my cousin who he was working with. My cousin I'm quite sure told my aunt, uncle, and his brother.

Yes it made me really afraid of who else might know before I felt ready to admit it to anyone else. However, in the end, the to be able to live everyone in your life must come to find out. It's scary because we learn to hide this really big piece of who we are from everyone.

It didn't matter that my son told my cousin after all. Just my trying out nail polish and going through the local drive through made the rumors travel about town. Even today I'm nots use just who does know and who doesn't in our home town. Since we are currently staying about an hour away so my wife can go to school, I have taken the opportunity to just try to be me. I still wear tee shirts out but always women's jeans and shorts. My hair is longer. Things just are dead giveaways. In my hometown I'm sure some people know. I sell ag electronics as a side income and locals have still been buying and calling for tech support despite the fact that I have about as many openly trans friends on Facebook as not. Many of the locals who have bought from me are on my FB also. Transition is such a slow process, or at least it can be, that when I'm in my hometown wearing women's jeans no one stares or says anything. Now I did have to dress male for my job, but my employer was from Mississippi and many coworkers were ministers on the side of southern Christian churches, so I thought it best not to be too open with them. Although a number are also on my FB and have not yet us friended me. I expect some will when I do finally "announce" myself there. For now I just have slightly updated pictures from time to time.

As far as my family goes. My older brother is gay so totally accepting. He now has this worried protective thing going on. That is a change. My younger brother is just like "whatever" and talks to me the way he always has. My mom and I are starting to get closer than we have been in a long time. Absolutely no one had a clue I hid myself away so well. My grandma is accepting. She said she wishes I had found someone to talk to about this along time ago. She just loves me and hates the idea I suffered for years. I have not told my grandpa. No way to explain it to his, but he is not always cognitively present. He gave me weird looks when I first got earrings but hasn't said a thing as my hair has grown out. My aunt seems open. My younger cousin, the one my son told, is just like always. My older cousin was standoffish the first family get together I saw him. Now he talks to me mostly the same. His wife has been extra friendly with conversation. My uncle though, he has seemed completely disinterested as in not even acknowledging my presence. This is my whole nearby family. Only one other aunt from my dads side have I told. She is coming to understanding of what it really means. Prior to that she had these ideas that girls needed legal protection in the restrooms. After I explained things she said she did not understand it before. She was just being reactive to her own abuse when she was a kid by an uncle.

I came out to my wife four or so months ago and she did something similar, telling a coworker of hers and many of her close friends. For her, she was building her support structure so she could make sense of what was going on and so she didn't have to keep it all bottled up inside. We are still struggling through the "what does this mean to us" question, but I came to realize that she needed that support even though I was really uncomfortable with it.

Now, our entire circle of close friends and my family know what's going on and I occasionally feel out of control as the communication snowballs, but maybe it's for the best, you know? If people have a little time to digest before confronted with it, i am hoping that the shock that inevitably happens will be more manageable.

My boyfriend and I just told his parents and brothers I'm trans. That totally stressed me out but thankfully it went very well. But if he told people I was trans without my permission I would have a big problem with that and he and I would have a big problem. I'm sorry but I think someone just telling people about something that sensitive is totally wrong and disrespectful.

Honestly, once other people know, you should plan that they will each tell three people they know, and so on.

The best you can do is take control of your narrative. It sucks, is scary, but is also fiercely empowering in my experience. What do you want people to know, and what are you comfortable sharing? If it is nothing more than "I experience gender differently, am figuring this out, and please respect my privacy while we sort it out" that is totally okay. If it is something more or less, then cool, too.

My ex wife did the same, and went to our mutual friends after I came out to her. It was a ->-bleeped-<--show, and forced me to come out to a lot of people well before I was ready. I did it on Facebook, and you can see my letter here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,154683.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,154683.0.html)

I lost several friends in the long haul, and some family members. Everyone's situation is different. I could support myself, and while I was going through a divorce, I had my own place to live.

All I can share, and you need to absolutely determine what is right and safe for you, is that getting out in front of it -- even if you have to say that you don't have answers -- allows you to not have to worry about being discovered, at least.

That, and a good gender therapist can help you work through a lot of this.

Best,

Toni

It is a sensitive topic. Usually it should be only the trans person telling anyone else. With SO's / family I have to admit it is a bit more difficult and there can be a few reasons for her telling:

- Trying to hurt you by spreading the news
- Trying to process what is happening in an attempt to get feedback on how she should react
- Not knowing any better
- As cry for help

For me it was a bit of an odd situation. Initially we had agreed not to tell anyone until I have been on HRT for 6 month and I am sure about it. I was not even on HRT when my wife started to let me know I should tell select friends. Then neighbors. In the end I was very happy I did tell my neighbors, it does take away the stress for me of having to watch what I wear and in addition it is a safety net for her: she had a pretty bad meltdown one week about me being trans and I was traveling. Lucky enough our neighbors picked her up and helped her through, even found a local support group for her she is now attending.

Based on my experience I do understand the pressure she puts you under and I was somewhat in the same situation with the exception that in the end I was just happy having told everyone.

On the very bright side: She does not seem to want to run away and does not want to keep you in the closet either...

Quote from: Julia1996 on September 22, 2017, 07:31:51 AM
My boyfriend and I just told his parents and brothers I'm trans. That totally stressed me out but thankfully it went very well. But if he told people I was trans without my permission I would have a big problem with that and he and I would have a big problem. I'm sorry but I think someone just telling people about something that sensitive is totally wrong and disrespectful.

Your situation is different. Your BF knew about you before you got steady and he did not had a chance to know you as a guy - you've always been a girl for him. Most wives learn of their husbands way after they married them. To expect the same standard from an unsuspecting and hurt woman as you expect from your BF is imho unreasonable.

Quote from: elkie-t on September 22, 2017, 02:09:56 PM
Your situation is different. Your BF knew about you before you got steady and he did not had a chance to know you as a guy - you've always been a girl for him. Most wives learn of their husbands way after they married them. To expect the same standard from an unsuspecting and hurt woman as you expect from your BF is imho unreasonable.

I guess you're right. I hadn't thought of it like that.

Ideally you get to control the pace of your coming out. As people have said this is more difficult where SOS and family are concerned.

However I'd consider normal serious breach of trust for an so to either presume to make choices for you about people they want to tell for their own support and in your shoes I would have laid down the law that the choices are yours and he really should not be proposing who else to tell.

But it's even harder when you're half-hour. In my case I'm out generally however the one exception is my mother and therefore I'm only out with a couple not family members who realize what a ->-bleeped-<- she can be and know not to spread it further. Also in my coming out blanket email I was quite specific that nobody in my family was to be in the loop so that no matter how unlikely, people understood not to talk with any of my family, no matter how remote.

Now this meant that I didn't tell my mother that I'd gone to San Francisco at all however my daughter mentioned it to her and thankfully let me know that so I had a cover story to use.

Again half-out is just hard in practice.

When i started going out dressed (over 20 years ago), my spouse felt she had to inform the neighbors because they had children which could be "confused" by me...

- Karen

Quote from: Karen_A on September 22, 2017, 05:36:34 PM
When i started going out dressed (over 20 years ago), my spouse felt she had to inform the neighbors because they had children which could be "confused" by me...

- Karen

Molly,

I had a similar situation but at a little slower pace.

Not being sure about what is going to happen with you and your wife.  She could be trying to get a sense from others on ideas how to handle things.  I know mind did that and the general consensus was "Why haven't you moved out yet?"

Then when the split did happen she had total support from the people she was around. 

I may be off base here, but self preservation and trying to get confirmation of what she wants to do may be the reasons.

Or

She might not be able to keep a secret.

- Denise

P.S. assuming you are eventually going to go full-time,  everyone will know and it will be that much easier later. 

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

On a lighter note, surely you had some inkling before this that your wife couldn't keep secrets?  ;D

Best of luck navigating this, Molly.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Reading this made me laugh a little! You all do realize that by becoming the women we are and making female friends, we'll become little jabber box's just like our SO's! Keep a secret? Have you ever known a woman that could? We're going down that road to... ;D

Quote from: Antonia J on September 22, 2017, 08:05:10 AM
Honestly, once other people know, you should plan that they will each tell three people they know, and so on.

The best you can do is take control of your narrative. It sucks, is scary, but is also fiercely empowering in my experience. What do you want people to know, and what are you comfortable sharing? If it is nothing more than "I experience gender differently, am figuring this out, and please respect my privacy while we sort it out" that is totally okay. If it is something more or less, then cool, too.

My ex wife did the same, and went to our mutual friends after I came out to her. It was a ->-bleeped-<--show, and forced me to come out to a lot of people well before I was ready. I did it on Facebook, and you can see my letter here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,154683.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,154683.0.html)

I lost several friends in the long haul, and some family members. Everyone's situation is different. I could support myself, and while I was going through a divorce, I had my own place to live.

All I can share, and you need to absolutely determine what is right and safe for you, is that getting out in front of it -- even if you have to say that you don't have answers -- allows you to not have to worry about being discovered, at least.

That, and a good gender therapist can help you work through a lot of this.

Best,

Toni

First I just wanted to say, Toni, what a wonderful Facebook post you wrote. It's inspirational on how you took it on.

Very curious to where you are in life no, did you go to Europe, lose your job and how did friend and family end up treating you.

Anyway, don't want to divert the topic so;

I know I am in a process and would have some clear issues with my SO telling others.

We have already been in therapy together. It she still struggles and to be fair so do I for many reasons, like most of my macho activities that I started to suppress my inner self still exist and I ping pong often between what I feel is the right path and a path that will cost me everything and lead to loneliness.

Luckily my SO is understanding enough of this process and not until ready do we speak fully and openly to others about it.

However, she did tell me she told her best friend and I absolutely understood that. How can I expect everything she is feeling to just be put aside, she needs her network like others have mentioned just as much as we actually need ours. I think that missing network is often another reason why people can have such a hard time getting to terms with their struggles and their identity.

She didn't ask for permission to tell her best friend but told me afterwards. I told her how much I understood that but also would like to know beforehand though I would allow her to tell the people she felt she needed and promised not to stand in her way. But since then she has asked me every time before telling another friend.

Just like I've told her who I've talked to about it.

It's a two way street and it should be filled with respect for each other and if you feel you've lost that control of your own narrative, I this she's not respecting you.

Sure it can forces you forward and to take steps like Toni having to announce it like that. But ultimately if she loves you and you love her, the foundation should be based on respect for one another.

I know my SO is looking for people who understands her side of things and can sympathize with her side of the story but it hurts when she doesn't talk to me enough about it and makes me more afraid of engaging in conversations about it. This I've also told her is a matter of respect and love.

So we are working on it and people do things their way. But ultimately you should be able to have enough of a discussion with her to twin things in enough for you to also feel like you are somewhat in control of your own narrative.

Best of luck and can I just say how much I appreciate this forum from somebody lurking in the dark for so long, this feels like my safest space.

Thank you all for inspirational thoughts and discussion plus all the support there is offered here.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: MollyPants on September 22, 2017, 04:28:11 AM
I came out to my SO about two months ago now and since then we've been working through what we have termed the 'scandal' (a joke as we live in quite small sleepy rural area) as well as some other issues in our relationship. I think we've made some really good progress but one thing that keeps coming up is my SOs need to tell everyone. I can completely understand talking to someone as that's been a huge help to me and she just isn't someone who can bottle things up. Don't started with her talking to her line manager and taking some time off work to process it, then her mum and so then dad knew as well and supposedly her brother 'guessed'. Now she's told one of her friends and wants to Go on telling more. Apart from her brother she has asked and we have agreed at each stage but it's the speed she comes up with new people that is quite scary. The more people that know the more pressure I feel I'm coming under. Does anyone else have any experience with this?

Molly

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk

My wife who self identifies as "Pathologically Honest" as well as capable of being a sneaky devious bitch, came up with exactly the same "Story Line" that I sort of did to explain some of the marital issues we were having early on after dropping the T-Bomb.  "Involved with Another Woman".  OK, it is technically true and allows for venting without getting into really juicy details

i came out to my SO a month ago.  I asked her not to tell anybody.  but i'm not counting on that lasting very long.  she seems angry that I asked her to let me decide who I come out to and when.  And we're talking about divorcing, so i'm kind of worried that at some point i won't have a say in who she decides to talk to about me

If she is telling people and it sounds like spreading good news then you have a
ally in an important position! 

A supportive SO is valuable.   And rare couple agree on all strategies and tactics.

Take the victories you get.  There are enough other unplanned bumps on the path. 

Quote from: Becca Kay on September 23, 2017, 07:43:22 AM
i'm kind of worried that at some point i won't have a say in who she decides to talk to about me

Becca, just accept it now, you never did.

:

April 22, 2015, the day of my first face to face pass in gender neutral clothes and no makeup. It may be months to the next one, but I'm good with that!

Being transgender is just a phase. It hardly ever starts before conception and always ends promptly at death.

They say the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. I say, climb aboard!

Think outside the voice box!

She is going through a lot as well... I mean you struggled with it for years. She gets it as a bomb. Not to excuse her not following your wishes, that is if you spoke to her about it already. But it is a lot to take in solo. Some support is kind of understandable. On the other hand, she may just be prepping the battlefield. Putting it out there quickly so it's like pulling off a bandaid.... let the shock hit and dissipate rather than letting it become a rumor that lingers. Voice your concern and talk it through,. Just remember to try and be objective if she has a reason. Heck, maybe she wants it out there so she can speed along seeing the real you. Best of luck!

In my case there were friends and others that had suspected something was not right with me (whose definition of "right" is Right?) They just didn't know what. As time went on, my clothing choices changed and became feminine, as I also wore more jewelry suspicions increased and some even asked my SO. She was a trooper though and merely said I was a bit eccentric. (What an understatement) I'm out now to those I care about and those I don't can go screw themselves as far as I'm concerned. I present in a very androgynous way most of the time and have Androgynous and transgender tattoos so if they're that dim they don't need to know anyway.

I have a dear female friend who, when I told her, blurted out "I knew it", sometimes those closest can tell.

Leslie

Thanks everyone for your advice, it's really helped. We're going to slow things down a bit while work out where we are going and what I need to do to be happy in myself. I've been trying to encourage my SO to talk to people in the same situation as well, hopefully that will help.

Thank you for all the support, I wish I'd found this site sooner :)

Molly

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk

Quote from: Antonia J on September 22, 2017, 08:05:10 AM
Honestly, once other people know, you should plan that they will each tell three people they know, and so on.

The best you can do is take control of your narrative. It sucks, is scary, but is also fiercely empowering in my experience. What do you want people to know, and what are you comfortable sharing? If it is nothing more than "I experience gender differently, am figuring this out, and please respect my privacy while we sort it out" that is totally okay. If it is something more or less, then cool, too.

My ex wife did the same, and went to our mutual friends after I came out to her. It was a ->-bleeped-<--show, and forced me to come out to a lot of people well before I was ready. I did it on Facebook, and you can see my letter here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,154683.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,154683.0.html)

I lost several friends in the long haul, and some family members. Everyone's situation is different. I could support myself, and while I was going through a divorce, I had my own place to live.

All I can share, and you need to absolutely determine what is right and safe for you, is that getting out in front of it -- even if you have to say that you don't have answers -- allows you to not have to worry about being discovered, at least.

That, and a good gender therapist can help you work through a lot of this.

Best,

Toni

Thank you Toni, that's really useful advice. I've always struggled to push my identity outwards on the world instead I spent a lot of time living in my head. I need to work on how I own this and how I come out to the world.

Molly

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 22, 2017, 07:25:58 PM
On a lighter note, surely you had some inkling before this that your wife couldn't keep secrets?  ;D

Best of luck navigating this, Molly.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Haha yes I did know she really struggles to keep anything big in so I did know that she would tell people but I didn't quite realise how many people she wanted to tell.

Molly

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk

I am lucky that my wife has a well-developed sense of what is confidential and what isn't, thanks to working for various police departments during her career.  She told several of her email friends right away, which was fine with me, since they are all geographically distant, and we do not interact with them in real life.  Locally, or with anyone who might interact with our neighbours, she was very discrete.  This worked well for both of us - I knew she needed to talk to friends, and this was a safe way to do it.

Managing the flow of information once you start to come out is tricky.  I had to divide the people I knew into groups that mostly didn't overlap.  There was in fact one person who was in two of the groups, so I had to coordinate coming out to both of them.  I was able to do it in such a way that nothing blew up in my face.  I told most people via group emails, but some individuals got personal emails, depending on my relationship to them.  The idea was to make sure that no one heard the news via rumour unless it was someone I literally didn't care about.  That way, no one was offended.

It all worked because, with the exception of telling my wife, I did it over a space of about one month.  Any longer than that and managing the information flow would have been too difficult.

I consider myself quite lucky. I came out to my wife, and knew she would have to tell someone. She knew, however, that only those who could know were outside of our local area. She's got experience keeping confidences and this strained the limit! Fortunately there are online avenues which maintain privacy quite well (Hello Susan's dot org).

Also good for me, and herself, she realized her own trans status, and we are on this road together. She's out online for herself while I'm transitioning in place. I think we're happier now than we could have been had this not come to light.