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My uncle stopped by with his new wife unannounced and unwanted and it almost turned into a brawl. My dad asked him what he wanted and why he was there. After my uncle and his wife didn't want me at their wedding my dad had told him he wanted nothing more to do with him. He told my dad he needed to talk to him about something and that he was still his brother. So my dad told him to talk and then leave. So they are in the den talking and his hateful wife comes into the kitchen and asks me what I was making and asked how I had made it, etc. Then she turns to my brother and says " he's a good cook. You're lucky you guys have him to cook for you". He asked her what did she just say and she repeated it. So Tyler said "don't call her he you stupid bitch. I know you're an inbred hick but even you can see she's not a guy"! (she's from west Virginia)  So she goes stomping out and then a minute later she and my uncle come in there with my dad right behind them. My uncle called Tyler a punk and told him to never talk to his wife like that again. Then Tyler told him to tell "that stupid C word" not to call his sister a he. So then my uncle pushed Tyler and my dad grabbed him and twisted his arm behind his back, some police hold I guess, and told him if he ever touched one of his kids again he would beat the crap out of him. Then he told him to take his wife and get the ##& out and not to ever come back and not to call him either.

OMG, what a horrible mess! I feel awful. My uncle is a huge douche but he's still my dad's brother. I was the cause of all that and my dad cut his brother out of his life because of me. It makes me feel bad. I swear, it seems like whenever I start to get a little relaxed with life, some crap like this happens. I hate it!!

I've come across your stories involving your dad a few times. He sounds like a class act! I would like to believe if my father were still alive he would do the same.

You are not the cause of that Julia.  That is stupidity of your uncle and his wife.  Don't feel bad about it one bit.  You have a great immediate family, give them hugs, and be happy.

I am sure that, if my mother wasn't up in the years (70), she would have beat the uncle and his wife to a pulp. Me, I would likely have just disabled them. My temper is nowhere near as bad as hers, but I am my mother's daughter.

Yep, living with the books and the mess seems much preferable to the alternative.

Julia,

It's not your fault, your uncle could chose to be accepting and make a effort (regardless of his feelings) for his brother but he choses to instead be confrontational and to not accept you for the amazing woman you are.

Your father has chosen to stand by you and from the various topics of yours I have read both ur brother and father sound like great people.

The only person who is at fault is your uncle.. how he & his wife behave may have affected your fathers relationship with them but it's their behaviour that is the issue and that's not your fault.

I know it's easy to say, but try not to let it get to you.. (that's what my therapist keeps telling me) be strong and be happy knowing you have a father that loves you and will stand up for you.


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Hey Julia - No one can ever say your life is dull!

It's definitely not your fault.  Your uncle and his wife should show some respect when going in to someone else's house, that's just downright rude and disrespectful

I'm so glad you have such wonderful support from your dad and brother - they sound awesome

Hi Julia

It does feel horrible when stuff like this happens, your "Aunt and Uncle" will have discussed what has gone on in the past prior to arriving at your house so there was nothing accidental in what your "aunt" did. I hate it when that stuff happens,  I had a similar situation happen to me a few weeks ago and I was so upset I felt physically sick once all the anger had subsided. Your "aunt" knew exactly what she was doing which in my book makes it even worse because it was deliberate.

Your brother and Dad are good guys and great allies. When it is time to stand up and be counted they seem to really have your back. Fantastic to hear.

I'll get flack for this, but I think Tyler  needs to cool down a bit.
There are going to be times when you get misgendered. It's part of transitioning, and keep in mind, non trans people are on a learning curve. For Tyler  to resort to calling someone the B and C word shows a bit of rage. He needs to control that, IMHO
There are more tactful ways to address being misgendered. And that begins with you diffusing the situation and saying you'd appreciate if you could gender correctly. This lady, imho didn't do it to hurt you.

Ok, let the criticism come forth of how I see it, and how I would have handled it.

Quote from: Nina on September 27, 2017, 05:12:24 AM
I'll get flack for this, but I think Tyler  needs to cool down a bit.
There are going to be times when you get misgendered. It's part of transitioning, and keep in mind, non trans people are on a learning curve. For Tyler  to resort to calling someone the B and C word shows a bit of rage. He needs to control that, IMHO
There are more tactful ways to address being misgendered. And that begins with you diffusing the situation and saying you'd appreciate if you could gender correctly. This lady, imho didn't do it to hurt you.

Ok, let the criticism come forth of how I see it, and how I would have handled it.

Oh, she totally did it on purpose to be mean. This wasn't the first time she met me, she met me once before. She knows very well that I'm trans, that my name is Julia, not Julian, and that I should be gendered with female pronouns. The first time I met this fool she told me I had better go back to being what god intended me to be while I still could or I was going to burn in hell. I despise this ignorant trash. But I will agree that Tyler shouldn't have used the C word. In fact after they left my dad told him he never wanted to hear him call a woman that word again. Unfortunately my brother has a quick temper and he always has. Plus he's a 21 year old guy so tact isn't a big skill of his. I did tell him he shouldn't have let her get to him so badly but he was totally furious that she had the nerve to come into our house and do that to me. I didn't have a chance to say or do anything before he reacted.  As much as it pissed me of for her to misgender me on purpose like that, still I would have just walked away. It's useless to argue with an ignorant bible beater. Nothing is ever going to change their small little minds. But, while I wish my brother hadn't used the C word because I hate that word no matter who says it, I'm not sorry he told her off. She deserved it.

This reminds me of when my ex and I went through the adoption process to travel to China in 2002. Prior to being approved, a couple has to undergo serious sessions with a social worker to determine if they're able and capable of adopting from another country.
Our social worker posed this question: imagine you're pushing a stroller, and a friend/family member/neighbor says "good to see someone's trash is another persons treasure."

What the social worker was looking for, was how we'd handle the situation. Would we go off in a rage, lash out, name call?
Instead, we answered that if this came up: I/we thought we knew you. I'm very disappointed by what you just said. It offends our family.

I guess my point is, how do we handle being misgendered. In 10 years living full time, I've been misgendered maybe 3 or 4 times. One of best friends said he/him...to which I promptly replied "she/her." That's all I said, my friend realized her mistake and apologized. No harm done.

You shouldn't feel guilty about this, it's your uncle's and his wife's fault. My bigot maternal uncle wasn't accepting of my transition and tried to meddle in my business(I was 21) by secretly talking to my father, then he was disrespectful with my mother and they had a big (verbal)fight. We stay away from each other and they still don't talk unless it's something about my grandfather. I think it's good to stand for one's family, even against other relatives if those relatives are being terrible people

Quote from: Julia1996 on September 26, 2017, 09:11:29 PM
... So Tyler said "don't call her he you stupid bitch. I know you're an inbred hick but even you can see she's not a guy"! (she's from west Virginia)  ...

It's great that your brother and father stand up for you, and what happened is none of your fault.  Tyler might try toning down the stereotyping when he gets angry though, as it could get him into trouble even when his anger is justified.  By calling her an "inbred hick", your brother also insulted everyone in West Virginia and possibly many other people in Appalachian and Ozark states, who are used to similar insults.

Quote from: MaryT on September 27, 2017, 08:06:47 AM
It's great that your brother and father stand up for you, and what happened is none of your fault.  Tyler might try toning down the stereotyping when he gets angry though, as it could get him into trouble even when his anger is justified.  By calling her an "inbred hick", your brother also insulted everyone in West Virginia and possibly many other people in Appalachian and Ozark states, who are used to similar insults.

You're right about that, he shouldn't.  But his temper gets the better of him sometimes. He's been using "inbred" as a insult for years since he saw the movie "wrong turn". He uses it if a person is southern or not. I certainly didnt mean to offend anyone from the south my repeating what he said and I'm sorry if I have.

Quote from: xFreya on September 27, 2017, 07:42:14 AM
You shouldn't feel guilty about this, it's your uncle's and his wife's fault. My bigot maternal uncle wasn't accepting of my transition and tried to meddle in my business(I was 21) by secretly talking to my father, then he was disrespectful with my mother and they had a big (verbal)fight. We stay away from each other and they still don't talk unless it's something about my grandfather. I think it's good to stand for one's family, even against other relatives if those relatives are being terrible people
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My uncle tried to interfere with my transition too. He tried to talk my dad into sending me to military school, making me join football at school, etc. My dad told him all stuff like that would do is destroy me psychologically.  Then when my dad let me start hrt when I was 17 my uncle tried everything to talk him out of it. It seems like we all have that one douchebag relative. I'm just glad in my case it's only one. Some people have a whole family of dicks to deal with.

Your dad sounds awesome. My dad is easily impressionable, one day he came home with a lot of stupid objections to my transition and we had a heated argument, then talked more calmly and he has been ok. Turns out my uncle had tried to convince him to try to stop me. My mom figured it out instantly.
When I first came out to my mom she was ignorant on the issue and we had some adventures with wrong psychiatrists but she was very supportive when I eventually started to transition. My younger sister has been awesome too. Everyone else is ok, some sympathetic some indifferent, except that one uncle lol

Quote from: xFreya on September 27, 2017, 10:13:39 AM
Your dad sounds awesome. When I first came out to my mom she was ignorant on the issue and we had some adventures with wrong psychiatrists but she was very supportive when I eventually started to transition. My younger sister has been awesome too. Everyone else is ok, some sympathetic some indifferent, except that one uncle lol

I'm glad your family is accepting except for your one uncle. While she's not as bad as my uncle my mom isn't very accepting. But I've always been way closer with my dad and he's always been my favorite so it really doesn't bother me that much. I just try to seen as little of my mom as possible and won't go to her house any more.

Wow we have a similar situation but reversed. :) My parents got divorced recently too and I stay with my mother, my dad being less supportive played a role in my decision. He was ok in theory but making things difficult at every step like using my new name etc. We are now good though.

Quote from: xFreya on September 27, 2017, 10:23:54 AM
Wow we have a similar situation but reversed. :) My parents got divorced recently too and I stay with my mother, my dad being less supportive played a role in my decision. He was ok in theory but making things difficult at every step like using my new name etc. We are now good though.

It's strange how it can work out with parents. My dad was a marine, is now a cop, is a stereotypical macho guy and isn't the type of guy you would think would be accepting of a trans child. But he's the one who found my therapist and the Dr who does my hrt. He also helped me research surgeons and is paying for my surgery and sent them a deposit for the surgery date. My mom wouldn't have done any of that and wouldn't have let me start hrt at 17 either. But one supportive parent is enough. A lot of people don't even have one.

Quote from: Julia1996 on September 26, 2017, 09:11:29 PM
OMG, what a horrible mess! I feel awful. My uncle is a huge douche but he's still my dad's brother. I was the cause of all that and my dad cut his brother out of his life because of me. It makes me feel bad. I swear, it seems like whenever I start to get a little relaxed with life, some crap like this happens. I hate it!!

Hun   Don't feel bad. Feel happy that your Dad is looking out for you. He is proud of you and willing to do whatever it takes to support you and your transition. A lot of us would love for that kind of support. You are not the cause. Ignorance is.

Quote from: Julia1996 on September 27, 2017, 10:37:39 AM
It's strange how it can work out with parents.

Julia is this a sneek preview into season two finale of "Sense8"??

My dad was a Marine during North Korea in 50's (and mom, where they met) your's sounds very protective too!!

So cool . . . I try to be great dad as well!! My daughter brought home a new friend today (to me at least) I swear she's the living image of Jamie Clayton!! Tall like me LOL - can here myself now - "are you trans by any chance?"

Quote from: Kiera on September 27, 2017, 11:38:06 AM
Julia is this a sneek preview into season two finale of "Sense8"??

My dad was a Marine during North Korea in 50's (and mom, where they met) your's sounds very protective too!!

So cool . . . I try to be great dad as well!! My daughter brought home a new friend today (to me at least) I swear she's the living image of Jamie Clayton!! Tall like me LOL - can here myself now - "are you trans by any chance?"

Sense 8?? I thought they stopped making that show.  Did they pick it up again?

Quote from: Kiera on September 27, 2017, 11:38:06 AM
Julia is this a sneek preview into season two finale of "Sense8"??

My dad was a Marine during North Korea in 50's (and mom, where they met) your's sounds very protective too!!

So cool . . . I try to be great dad as well!! My daughter brought home a new friend today (to me at least) I swear she's the living image of Jamie Clayton!! Tall like me LOL - can here myself now - "are you trans by any chance?"

Lol, I don't suggest you ask her that. If she isn't trans that could be a ultimate foot in the mouth moment.   :icon_eek:

If you think this will come up again, you need to work with Tyler. Tyler could have responded with something like "He's right Julia, you are a great cook". You could have responded "Thank you for the complement sir". If somebody deliberate choses to misgender you, you may as well return the favor. I know that Tyler has the ability from the story you told about the guy who claimed he had sexual relations with you.

Quote from: Julia1996 on September 27, 2017, 10:37:39 AM
It's strange how it can work out with parents. My dad was a marine, is now a cop, is a stereotypical macho guy and isn't the type of guy you would think would be accepting of a trans child. But he's the one who found my therapist and the Dr who does my hrt. He also helped me research surgeons and is paying for my surgery and sent them a deposit for the surgery date. My mom wouldn't have done any of that and wouldn't have let me start hrt at 17 either. But one supportive parent is enough. A lot of people don't even have one.

My brother was also in the Marines. Having been adopted, I didn't know him when growing up. He'll have my back at every turn. His wife is also wonderful. They were at my beck and call when I was in the hospital for back surgery, bringing me anything I asked for. I have no idea how he'd react if he heard anyone misgender me, but I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty. What could someone expect from a 6' 2" 300 pound ex marine?