Susan's Place Transgender Resources

For those that were confused when younger but didn't really figure out till later it was about their gender. What are those memories that you now have that make you go doh!
At the age of 8 I watched the film The Ice Pirates. Aside being truly atrocious and turning downright wierd at the end (I recently re-watched it), there is a scene where the lead male character almost gets castrated (deliberately),  and I strongly recall wishing that could've happened to me. I don't think many young boys think like that!

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Gosh there are so many.  My worst was probably wishing for abuse that was gender affirming.  It never happened, but in my mind I wasn't doing something right, since I didn't get the attention I needed/wanted.  Wow that feels weird to verbalize.

Been thinking about this recently.
Some serious denial for years in my life.

Age 3 or 4, woke up at night to put on girls clothes
Age 13, wearing my mum's clothes
Finding it easy to get girlfriends..but always very shy in kissing them, or more.
My girlfriend randomly asking if I wanted to wear a dress

So many moments

I was wearing women's underwear by the age of about 14 or 15 and it was not for the turn on either. I knew i wanted to be feminine. From then on, i plotted a feminine course in life as i was able. Although i did not fully accept that i was transgender until my 40s. By then 3/4 of my clothes were women's and i was starting to really deal with the social dysphoria.

A kindergarten memory of getting to play in the really cool play kitchen with one of my girl friends is a vivid one. She was so elegant to me with her little blonde curls and i really wanted to be just like her. The boys really wanted me to play trucks with them and would tease me to get me out of the girl toy area.

" You don't want girl germs do you? " (yes guys i truly did)

Quote from: meganjames2 on September 27, 2017, 04:10:51 PM
At the age of 8 I watched the film The Ice Pirates. Aside being truly atrocious and turning downright wierd at the end (I recently re-watched it), there is a scene where the lead male character almost gets castrated (deliberately),  and I strongly recall wishing that could've happened to me. I don't think many young boys think like that!

OMG!!! I thought the exact same thing when I saw that movie!
Being jealous of girl's clothes was a big one that somehow slipped by without me realizing what it meant.

I can recall being in kindergarten, and playing in the little kitchen with the girls. The boys refused to let me play with them, and I was fine with that. I was not fine with the teacher making me sit in the corner during play time, after telling me I was not allowed to be around the girls. After that, I'd just take a nap, instead of playing with anybody. Ever since then, I had little or no respect for any of my teachers.

That reminds me my best friend in kindy was a girl. They were more like me I guess. So besides generally being more curious about boys (as they were not like me perhaps) for awhile before puberty, at about 8 a stark realizing that my arms were growing hair. I did not like it because it felt very out of place.

In my early teenage years I found myself putting on my sisters clothes secretly, and didn't realize why it felt very good. So I ignored it and stopped. While I was attracted to girls during puberty, it was a strange blend of wanting to be like them but also wanting to be with them.

Then as an adult I really started wearing my wife's clothes a lot, and it has snowballed into something amazing.

A more tame story of my youth is when we would go to the big neighboring city my mom and sister kept going clothes shopping and getting all these cute outfits.  I told my momr I was jealous.  She started taking me to buy suits.  Gosh, that wasn't what I wanted at all, but didn't know how to tell her.  She knew I was different a few years later and I had a closet of suits I hated:)  well I did like one that was black with a stitched Paisley pattern, grin.

When I was seven, seeing a picture of a pretty girl in a magazine and wishing I could be her.  Trying on my mother's clothes when I was 12.  Wondering why the guy who sexually assaulted me in high school picked me.  In the Air Force, hoping no one would figure out what wuss I was.  The feeling of envy when I saw a woman in a pretty dress.

Crawling into a clothes donation box in my church's parking lot and using it as my private dressing room. Many times. I was a bit scary being in it when someone drove up and dropped off some bags of old clothes.

Yes I did got to churches when I was younger.

Well, people have already covered my most obvious responses (the wanting girls clothes and what not), so let's see what else I can think of...

Not really sure this was a complete "doh" moment, but definitely an early sign I didn't even consider until a conversation
the other day. So, regardless of gender video games have always been my world. Recently I realized as far back as when I was 7 or 8, I was always instantly drawn to every female video game or cartoon character, no matter how minor of a character(there weren't a ton of heroines at the time). There was one incident in particular with one famous game series, Metroid. As way of explanation for those who are unfamiliar with the medium, it was always notable in that for the course of the original game you play as a person in a suit of combat armor whose gender is not apparent. Everyone assumed the character was male, because every hero was male. Well, plot twist, at the of the game the character removes their helmet and you were playing a woman the entire time. My friends' reaction? "Ewwww!" My reaction? Pure joy. (Note that the critical and historical reaction was also purely favorable, but that wasn't the thinking of little kids, and is still a far cry from the feeling I felt.) My current forum name and avatar speaks to this legacy, as the character of Roll was only a tiny part of the games she featured in at first (Megaman), yet even a few seconds on screen and I was attached for life. This evolved alongside games in general to me taking part in what is the seeming standard for transgender (at least mtf) gamers in always choosing or creating a female character whenever possible.

For more of a pure "Doh!" childhood memory, I suppose watching She-Ra and Rainbow Brite (80's cartoons, yay!) and preferring them to their male counterparts probably counts. (Though Transformers came above all else which muddied the water, I think that was just my pure nerdiness coming through. :D)

Oh, also my complete obsession with the gender-swap centric anime series Ranma 1/2. I happened into the series by being at game store looking at random titles when I was maybe 12. So there was a game based on this series, which through some miracle had made it to the U.S. For those not familiar with the mediums, it is completely insane that this game saw a U.S. release, but thank god it did. I knew nothing about it, but stopped to read the plot synopsis on the back... "guy turns into girl"... And that was that, I bought it. Literally knowing nothing else about it, with that precious money from chores or birthday checks or however kids get money. Inside the game was a little insert for the VHS release of the anime, which I proceeded to talk my mom into letting me order the following day and would go on to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars keeping up with back in the dark ages of the 90s with all of that same precious childhood cash. (Oh, and in keeping with my first bit, without fail my character of choice in this game was not just any female character, but the female version the main character for what she represented.)

The biggest one for me was praying to God that he turned me into a girl when I was 12. Back then I didn't think much of it, didn't even know why I wanted that so much, but nowadays I know praying to be magically transformed is something a lot of transgender people do.

I also remember being very upset when I was around 4 years old cuz I wanted to wear a belly shirt and my parents wouldn't let me lol. I also loved girly things, like Barbie dolls, and was fascinated by the female character in every movie/cartoon etc and wanted to be them. For example if I was watching Batman, I was more interested in Catwoman and Batgirl, wanted to be the Yellow Power Ranger (female) and always wanted a female character when playing games. I thought they were cooler and more interesting...My cousins used to give a hard time for choosing the female so I learnt I had to choose the male one.

Roll, I was right there with you for Metroid.  From that point on, if it was possible to play a girl, I only did that.  I didn't think that was any big deal until coming to the table with all my 'signs' as it were, and admitting who I am.  All my male friends only played male characters.  My female friends never even played games.  My favorite game to play a girl character in currently is Little Big Planet.  It's just so cute and girly!

Quote from: Roll on September 27, 2017, 11:17:17 PM
Recently I realized as far back as when I was 7 or 8, I was always instantly drawn to every female video game or cartoon character, no matter how minor of a character(there weren't a ton of heroines at the time).

That's me too. I remember being super excited that Final Fantasy 6 (3 at the time, since the US originally skipped 1 & 2) had a female character - Terra - as the main character (some argue that there is no main character, but I disagree).

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For more of a pure "Doh!" childhood memory, I suppose watching She-Ra and Rainbow Brite (80's cartoons, yay!) and preferring them to their male counterparts probably counts. (Though Transformers came above all else which muddied the water, I think that was just my pure nerdiness coming through. :D)

I remember going to the theater to see the 'Secret of the Sword' pilot movie for She-Ra! I really liked it, but my friends disagreed, so I just watched the series without letting them know. I've actually been re-watching She-Ra on Netflix, and was really surprised when I noticed some episodes were written by J. Michael Straczynski (Babylon 5, Sense8).
I was & still am a huge Transformers fan, so I understand. I still stand by my opinion that Transformers The Motion Picture (1986 animated movie for those who don't know - featuring big-name actors including Orson Welle's final role) is one of the greatest movies of all time (I was there opening day!!).

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Oh, also my complete obsession with the gender-swap centric anime series Ranma 1/2.

If you were trying to buy the VHS back when they first started, it cost a fortune! $40+ for 1 or 2 episodes of a 300+ episode series.... It was hard being an anime fan in those early days!

Quote from: Roll on September 27, 2017, 11:17:17 PM
Oh, also my complete obsession with the gender-swap centric anime series Ranma 1/2.

OMG had totally forgotten about Ranma. I loved it as well.

Quote from: Sarah_P on September 27, 2017, 06:00:07 PM
OMG!!! I thought the exact same thing when I saw that movie!
Being jealous of girl's clothes was a big one that somehow slipped by without me realizing what it meant.

Shocked to hear of another person who's actually seen that film,  but it's cerainly not on the level of Transformers [emoji23]
In my early teens I used to cut the hemi-ovoid plastic packaging out of easter egg boxes and shove them down my top like breast forms.

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Quote from: meganjames2 on September 28, 2017, 12:22:29 AM
Shocked to hear of another person who's actually seen that film,  but it's cerainly not on the level of Transformers [emoji23]

I'm a huge fan of sci-fi, from big budget to ultra-low. I try to watch everything I can, from all eras. Being a big fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000 led me to a greater appreciation for the low-budget stuff. :laugh:

My big warning was going swimming in school in grade 1 and lining up with the girls to get changed. A teacher having to explain to me that I was in the wrong line so I went into the boys and promptly locked myself in a toilet cubicle to change away from everyone else. On the way out later, I was so slow in changing that the school bus left me behind....

Some other favourites of mine later on. Watching Conan with my friends and losing interest once Valeria died because she was the heart of the show and the coolest by far... Watching another trashy sword and sorcery movie where for a few seconds a male is turned to female and wishing it was me. For weeks later I wished magic was real. Those are the ones I can find the humour in at least.

For me i realised recently that i had always been more at ease hanging around with the girls and i always seemed to be forcing myself when out with the boys.

Also when i started watching anime when i was about 15, i was watching any that had gender-swapping.

Junior high, for one semester, the girls took shop while the boys took home ec.
I got an A for my corn chowder soup, and sewed from scratch a shirt with a collar better than anyone.
Heck, I was canning food at 12 years old....still remember making apricot jam.

Not that these are necessarily female traits, but I was horrible at shop. Hated woodwork, metal work, electronics.

So many to choose from and I hate most every one of them because there wasn't anything I could do back then.  I have two older sisters and two female cousins that I grew up around.  Seeing them all the time doing girl things made me so jealous of the time.  Another was when I was in kindergarten and all the kids were playing Star Wars.  I had to be Princess Leia.

Till I was 8, I thought that I was a girl and that I was the victim of a parental conspiracy to cut my hair and make me wear boys' clothes.  With hindsight, though, it is probably understandable if my parents were thinking "weird" rather than "transgender" when they often caught me prancing around naked except for my mother's headscarf (which I wore on my head, not where I probably should have worn it).  I did sometimes wear a towel like a dress until I was big enough to try on my mother's.  When my mother explained a bit more about the facts of life, I did mostly accept my fate, but there were signs that I was still transgender.

I liked to wear my mother's clothes and eau de cologne.  I can't say that I was desperate for Barbie or Sindy dolls but I pined for those beautiful porcelain dolls.  I also tended to hang out with girls until an incident in which boys started jeering me for it, and the girls that I thought were my friends joined in.  It happened day after day until I hid during every school break, and at my next primary school I wouldn't even sit next to a girl in case the jeering started again.  After that, I stopped thinking that girls were any nicer than boys, but I still wanted to be a girl, and that was probably a major sign that I was transgender.

Another sign, which I now gather is typical of trangender children , is that I wanted to be a mermaid.  It started when I saw the movie Miranda with Glynis Johns.  I'll bet that there are quite a lot of trans women members who wanted to be mermaids.

Quote from: MaryT on September 28, 2017, 09:46:51 AM
Till I was 8, I thought that I was a girl and that I was the victim of a parental conspiracy to cut my hair and make me wear boys' clothes.  With hindsight, though, it is probably understandable if my parents were thinking "weird" rather than "transgender" when they often caught me prancing around naked except for my mother's headscarf (which I wore on my head, not where I probably should have worn it).  I did sometimes wear a towel like a dress until I was big enough to try on my mother's. 

Oh god, the towel dresses. I forgot about those. I'd always put a towel around my head as well and pretend it was long hair. Stupid repressed memories.

And I thought of another good one! Not understanding why my male friends wanted to see such and such movie because such and such actress was "hot"! (Mostly even if it was obviously a terrible movie.) I find women perfectly attractive and still didn't understand it, because it is just such a blatantly male approach to women. This is going back to the early days of puberty, though while this particular movie didn't come out when I was a kid there is one that stands out to me the most as the perfect example: Into the Deep. The movie was a cash in at the height of Jessica Alba's popularity, and is notable for spending probably the first third of the movie doing nothing but showing her swimming around in a skimpy bikini. Male friends were to a person in awe of it. My only thought was "So... when is the movie going to start?". When I questioned people on why they were so enthralled, the only answer they had was a dumbfounded "Uhh, she's hot.", like I was crazy for asking.

OH! This just hit me right as I was about to post. One time as a teenager with friends, someone randomly started watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. And I was of course thinking more about the bras than the models wearing them. I remember making a comment to the effect of "Ohh, that bra is sexy", which was about as outspoken as I ever was on any sexuality, and getting a reply to the effect of "who cares, the girl is hot I'd rather see her without it". Me in my head: "But... the bra." How on earth I didn't realize I wanted it for myself I have no idea.

I was a boy until I realized got a chest. About 11 years old. Never had a thought about not being a boy. In school and playground I was only with other boys.

In gymnastics class I was sorted with the guys by the teacher. I also got the male part when we were dancing.

Think my teachers knew more than me. Too bad no one told ME what was so obvious.

Tony

Quote from: Roll on September 28, 2017, 12:59:17 PM
Oh god, the towel dresses. I forgot about those. I'd always put a towel around my head as well and pretend it was long hair. Stupid repressed memories.

And I thought of another good one! Not understanding why my male friends wanted to see such and such movie because such and such actress was "hot"! (Mostly even if it was obviously a terrible movie.) I find women perfectly attractive and still didn't understand it, because it is just such a blatantly male approach to women. This is going back to the early days of puberty, though while this particular movie didn't come out when I was a kid there is one that stands out to me the most as the perfect example: Into the Deep. The movie was a cash in at the height of Jessica Alba's popularity, and is notable for spending probably the first third of the movie doing nothing but showing her swimming around in a skimpy bikini. Male friends were to a person in awe of it. My only thought was "So... when is the movie going to start?". When I questioned people on why they were so enthralled, the only answer they had was a dumbfounded "Uhh, she's hot.", like I was crazy for asking.

OH! This just hit me right as I was about to post. One time as a teenager with friends, someone randomly started watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. And I was of course thinking more about the bras than the models wearing them. I remember making a comment to the effect of "Ohh, that bra is sexy", which was about as outspoken as I ever was on any sexuality, and getting a reply to the effect of "who cares, the girl is hot I'd rather see her without it". Me in my head: "But... the bra." How on earth I didn't realize I wanted it for myself I have no idea.

Guys would sit and watch grass grow if there was a chance of seeing a hot girl. It's one of those hard to understand male behaviors that makes me want to throw them bananas.

Ok so I have plenty of typical ones but the biggest sign that haunted me was this inexplicable feeling that I was different. I felt like a stranger in my body and I struggled with typical situations until I learned how to properly put up a front. After that I felt alien, just trying to blend in because of the intangible feeling that something was really off about me. Over after coming out to myself that feeling faded into a memory.

I remember watching beauty pageants on television when I was about 3 or 4. I desperately wanted to become like the contestants. These days, I loath pageants, and refuse to watch them. Of course, I know they tape up everything covered in clothing, and paste artificial smiles on their faces.
I especially loved the evening gowns, and would wear a bedsheet wrapped around me in my room, even tho I was terrified what my adoptive parents would do if they saw me wearing one.

I gotta say, this is my favorite thread in a while.

I'll add another, and I know it's not just a girl thing, but my mom started teaching me how to make desserts.  Soon, I was making, crepes, their sauces, cakes, pies.  I remember my dad rolling his eyes at me as I was in the kitchen in an apron.  He would go back to his TV and football.  He never once tried to get me interested in that.  This was all, BTW, before I was asked if I wanted to be a girl.  I wanted to say yes, but was afraid.  The first post about looking for gender affirming abuse was after.  If I had it coming from my environment not just my parents, I'd have said yes.  I never did though.  Oh well, 20/20.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo, you just reminded me of some more of my memories.

I used to hang out with my mother when she was sewing.  She sewed a lot of her own clothes, and I used to love to watch.  To this day, if there's something that needs sewing in this house, I'm the one who runs the sewing machine.

I got her to teach me to bake cookies.  My specialty was peanut butter shortbread cookies.  This would have been when I was about 11 or 12.

In my thirties, I asked her to teach me to knit.  I got to be quite proficient, though I am out of practise now.  I thought at the time I was just being a liberated pro-feminist male, but now I know better.  :)

Quote from: Roll on September 28, 2017, 12:59:17 PM
Oh god, the towel dresses. I forgot about those. I'd always put a towel around my head as well and pretend it was long hair.

I did that as well! But mostly t-shirts instead of towels.

I was also never one of the boys...EVER. But I just thought I was gay. I went to an all boys catholic school so there was no way for me to know that I was "one of the girls". My classmates did give me a hard time for not being into soccers or any sports in general, so I always felt different.

Since puberty I have always wrapped the towel around my chest when getting out of the shower, despite not having breasts. I just liked the feel of it and would try to keep it on that way as long as possible.

Any cartoon with a female lead instantly grabbed my attention. The show didn't even have to be good, in fact I frequently remember asking myself "Why am I watching this?" but being unable to stop. I watched so much Pokemon just for Misty/May/Dawn/ whatever female character was following Ash around. Gender swap episodes were the same way. I remember there being an episode of Codename: Kids Next Door set in a dystopian future where all boys were turned into girls, and I obsessed over what it would be like to be turned into a girl. I also started choosing female characters in games, and I felt really embarrassed about it like I was doing something wrong. I can see looking back that was because I knew I was hiding my real motivation for doing so even from myself, and I didn't want anyone to ask me why I chose it and be forced to lie out loud.

I remember riding my scooter up and down a hill in junior high, and I came up with a game where if I rode down the hill three times and said a magic word I'd turn into a girl. On the third time down I had a very vivid experience, and I think I sort of tricked myself into actually believing I was a girl for a few seconds, or maybe it just kicked in how committed I was to this idea that I was willing to go up this hill over and over. I quickly became embarrassed and "turned myself back," but the memory stuck with me.

Sometimes I still doubt myself about being trans, and then I see a post like this and I almost can't believe I had any doubt. The evidence is abundant and all layed out in front of me.

There is something else that always bothered me, don't know if anybody else went through this. I was embarrassed to take my shirt off since I was very little, I never wanted anyone to see my chest. I don't know why, it just embarrassed me a lot...As if it shouldn't be seen...like a female chest. Never really thought I had boobs, but again for some reason I was super uncomfortable being around people with my shirt off, I never did it, not even at home or when sleeping, and tried to avoid it as much as I could when going to the beach or the pool.

Every other boy I knew was shirtless at home and pretty much whenever they wanted to, and I never understood how they were so free and careless about it.

I got over this embarrassment after becoming an adult but never really resolved why I had such an issue. I do remember that as a teenager I was very skinny and insecure so probably that also had something to do with it, but it started happening way before that, since I was very little.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 28, 2017, 08:47:37 PM
There is something else that always bothered me, don't know if anybody else went through this. I was embarrassed to take my shirt off since I was very little, I never wanted anyone to see my chest. I don't know why, it just embarrassed me a lot...As if it shouldn't be seen...like a female chest.

Yes, I did. After puberty that is. Before I'd go swimming with no problem, but not long after that I just felt uncomfortable with my shirt off. That eventually extended to my legs, too, but that was mostly because I had started shaving them & didn't want anyone to know.  :P

More I remembered. I always wanted to hang out with the girls, but I assumed that was because I wanted to date them, but I was always too scared to even do that (yay childhood trauma....  :eusa_wall:). There were times in grade school that I'd start making friends with girls, but then all my male friends would make fun of me, and I caved to the peer pressure & stopped talking to the girls.

I never told her this, and may never have the chance, but I always loved hanging out with my sister. She was only 1-1/2 years older than me, and I always thought she was really smart & pretty (and at the time deep down probably wished I looked more like her).

I used to hang out with my adoptive sister, whom was 4 years younger then me. I never cared for my adoptive brother. In fact, she was the first one I told, that I wanted to be a girl, when I was 12. That was when the chit starting hitting the fan, and the continued abuse and violence by my adoptive mother got me placed in foster care. There were 2 temporary foster homes before I got placed in the last one, which had only taken care of girls before I got there. When I wrote my foster mom (at the age of 30), she was not surprised to read that I was a woman.
My adoptive sister passed away at the age of 38.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 28, 2017, 08:47:37 PM
There is something else that always bothered me, don't know if anybody else went through this. I was embarrassed to take my shirt off since I was very little, I never wanted anyone to see my chest.

^^^ This. Still this for me. Everyone always made fun of me for swimming with a shirt. I would not walk around shirtless at all, etc. And I live in a beach town, so it wasn't a small part of my life. I think part of it, at least for me, is in general I don't like the fact my body didn't/doesn't look like I felt it should, even if I didn't realize it until recently. Funny enough, I am eager for the day that I might be able to go out in a bikini top or something similar.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 28, 2017, 08:47:37 PM
There is something else that always bothered me, don't know if anybody else went through this. I was embarrassed to take my shirt off since I was very little, I never wanted anyone to see my chest. I don't know why, it just embarrassed me a lot...As if it shouldn't be seen...like a female chest. Never really thought I had boobs, but again for some reason I was super uncomfortable being around people with my shirt off, I never did it, not even at home or when sleeping, and tried to avoid it as much as I could when going to the beach or the pool.

Every other boy I knew was shirtless at home and pretty much whenever they wanted to, and I never understood how they were so free and careless about it.

I got over this embarrassment after becoming an adult but never really resolved why I had such an issue. I do remember that as a teenager I was very skinny and insecure so probably that also had something to do with it, but it started happening way before that, since I was very little.

I have dealt with this as well. When I was little I had my shirt off any time there was water involved, but when I hit puberty I started feeling much less comfortable at the pool or around other people without a shirt on. I almost always wore a swim shirt that blocked UV rays, which helped a lot and I loved wearing it. Running track and cross country the other guys often ran shirtless and the few times I did I felt so awkward. Even sleeping I like to have a light shirt on or else my brain just bugs me constantly about being naked.

I love these other posts reminding me of things I hadn't thought of... The principal suggesting I shouldn't take home ec and promptly failing wood working.  :(

And, I totally thought I was the only one who hated taking my shirt off as a little kid too! Still do. I never wanted to be a mermaid, but Wonder Woman was certainly an option.

Quote from: grrl1nside on September 28, 2017, 09:47:03 PM

And, I totally thought I was the only one who hated taking my shirt off as a little kid too! Still do. I never wanted to be a mermaid, but Wonder Woman was certainly an option.

Ms. Marvel for me. :D

http://thestrawfeminist.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/ms-marvel.jpg

Quote from: grrl1nside on September 28, 2017, 09:47:03 PM
I love these other posts reminding me of things I hadn't thought of... The principal suggesting I shouldn't take home ec and promptly failing wood working.  :(

And, I totally thought I was the only one who hated taking my shirt off as a little kid too! Still do. I never wanted to be a mermaid, but Wonder Woman was certainly an option.

It was Wonder Woman for as well! They had reruns of the 70s show in the 90s when I was little kid and I loved it. Loved spinning around like she did, and pretended to jump through big buildings lol.

Here's another... I was around 11/12 years old when my grandma knitted my mum a pair of white bed socks. I asked for my own pair,  in baby pink,  which she made me and I happily wore around the house, just because I liked the colour and no other (concious) reason.

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There are lots of them, in hindsight, most of them highly typical of classic "FTM symptoms", although some were apparently more unusual. What strikes me most is how all the "nurture" in the world, whether deliberately steered or totally neutral, cannot and won't stop it, even in a child who has never heard of transsexuality and never strongly envied the opposite sex for being what it is. Even in someone like me who was apparently so isolated they knew very little about how to be a regular person, or about roles.

But then, there's that power of assumption... we look at other people and instinctively assume we're like them, or that they somehow represent us or we're supposed to be like them, almost as powerful at compelling us as the identity within. If it wasn't for that, we'd all have known from an early age exactly what the problem was. 

1. Wearing mum's shoes and stuff at 5.
2. Reading some book about kissing your elbow turns you into a girl (kids book?), and then trying to do that week after week.
3. Throwing fits because my mother would try to make me go to things like basketball camp when I wanted to do gymnastics with my sister.
4. Stealing and crossdressing in my sister's/mother's clothes from age 11 - 16.
5. Going emo in highschool and stuffing clothes slightly to try to give myself an hourglass figure.
6. Hating sports with an absolute passion and being insanely jealous of my sister and wanting to sing and dance to musicals and stuff but afraid my parents would punish me because I eventually became aware of their strong anti-LGBT stance
7. Almost always being female in every dream I remembered.
8. Uncontrollable thoughts about wishing I would die in my sleep if god wouldn't fix me and turn me into a girl overnight via miracle.
etc. etc.

Tbh I dunno why the heck it took me so long to figure out.

We never had much money growing up so one year all the kids (all under 8) received hand made fabric Care Bears. I was 12 and my stepmom asked me if I wanted one too. I did and promptly got grumpy bear, lol. I still have it decades later in one of my boxes of special things in storage...

Great topic.  I was actually running through a mental list of these things myself recently, and was trying to figure out how I could have been so blind for so long. 

- as many others, raiding my mother's closet at an early age
- lying on the floor as a teenager, thinking that if I stare at the ceiling long enough, I'll transform into a girl
- also as a teenager, daydreaming that I would be kidnapped along with the popular girl in school, and we'd be forced to swap bodies
- much later in life, when my daughter was born, thinking that she was lucky that she could have the life I didn't
- thousands of masturbation fantasies where I was the woman
- having a lifelong fascination with women's clothes
- being disgusted when my facial hair started to grow
- being secretly enthralled with anything I came across that involved trans stories: crazy Talkshows, documentaries, I even remember a Reader's Digest I stole from my parents bedroom when I was maybe 14 that had a story about a trans woman
- a 3rd grade book report I chose to do on There's A Boy In The Girl's Bathroom - I even built a display model girl's bathroom out of a cardboard box
- As an adult, the many cross dressing phases I went through
- Just mentally registering every time in my life when trans stuff came up in conversation - i could probably still repeat all those discussions today
- more recently (and before I came to terms with my being trans) "forced fem" fetish videos
- never feeling truly at ease as a guy (sexually, socially, physically, or any other way)

Those are the ones I've come up with on my own before reading this topic. Others have mentioned video game characters and mermaids.  I haven't thought about those, but yes.  Definitely. I guess my list is growing.  I remember watching that movie Splash! as a kid, wishing so much that I could turn into her.

I've been so blind.


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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 27, 2017, 11:34:21 PM
The biggest one for me was praying to God that he turned me into a girl when I was 12. Back then I didn't think much of it, didn't even know why I wanted that so much, but nowadays I know praying to be magically transformed is something a lot of transgender people do.

I also remember being very upset when I was around 4 years old cuz I wanted to wear a belly shirt and my parents wouldn't let me lol. I also loved girly things, like Barbie dolls, and was fascinated by the female character in every movie/cartoon etc and wanted to be them. For example if I was watching Batman, I was more interested in Catwoman and Batgirl, wanted to be the Yellow Power Ranger (female) and always wanted a female character when playing games. I thought they were cooler and more interesting...My cousins used to give a hard time for choosing the female so I learnt I had to choose the male one.

I remember those prayers. I was brought up in a Cheistian family..

I still try it now and again, but pray I can be the mum of my children

I guess I knew I wanted to be a girl quite early. That said, here are some of the signs I remember off hand.

• I cried when forced to dress as a male character for a dress ball at the age of three.
  
• Cried when my parents started to buy me male underwear at four.
  
• Was horrified when aunts replied to my question regarding why grandfather had no hair by saying that happened to men, and that because I was a boy I'd also grow up to become a man.
  
• Was excited at the chance of dressing as a girl in order to be able to participate in a girls only gymnastics class at five. (I disappointedly gave up when laughed at by neighborhood boys.)
  
• Much preferred to play with girls rather than boys as I grew up. I hated rough play.
  
• Was flabbergasted  by my aunt's reaction when I colored my nails with my cousins at the age of six.
  
• Felt delighted when boys at school contemptuously said I threw like a girl at the age of seven.
  
• Wished to be like a mermaid I saw in a story at the age of eight.
  
• Was surprised and hurt when boys at school reacted violently to hugs and all other friendly physical contact.
  
• Couldn't understand why boys shunned girls and talked about "girl cooties."
  
• Preferred TV animation programs meant for girls.
  
• Wanted desperately to find out I was under a spell like Ozma after I discovered the Wizard of Oz books.
  
• Started experimenting in earnest how to completely hide and nullify my genitals in grades five and six.
  
• Was completely baffled by why boys in books wanted to grow up and become men.
  
• Always felt fascinated by rings, jewelry and makeup.
  
• Felt excited, scared and happy when my breasts turned sore at puberty.
  
• Felt absolutely horrified when I ejaculated, and continued to always feel mortified by all feelings of male arousal.
  
• Felt dejected when I found hair on my legs, and tried to pluck it without success. Was thrilled to find found nylon stockings mostly hid it. Made a resolution not to grow any on my torso. (While some did emerge, thanks to either willpower or luck there were only a couple score.)
  
• Felt horrified when one of my classmates displayed his adult-size male genitals in the locker room. Wished ardently mine would never grow.
  
• Was astounded by the reaction of a girl at school to whom I demonstrated a switch to my pre-pubertal voice. (That reaction dissuaded me from using it again for years, but the memory of that instance remained so vivid that it helped me later recall to an extent how I could be done.)
  
• Felt even more desolate when I started to see facial hair.
  
• Was increasingly despised, shunned and called names by boys throughout school.
  
• Couldn't understand boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. (To me the few girls I did get close to were merely friends with whom I loved to talk.)
  
• Felt amused (and a bit apologetic) when I my sole male friend appeared to get aroused by me. (I left the room until he got over it.)
  
• Never wanted to have sex, and felt disconsolate—like I'd lost something precious—when I finally did.
  
• Felt thrilled when I learnt of laser hair removal, and immediately decided to remove my beard once I could.
  

There have been more—I'm certain very many more. I knew what I wanted, but didn't know whether I could make it come true. In hindsight, the very incremental changes I've made have inevitably morphed me over time.

I remember at 3-5 noticing that my moms/sisters private areas areas were flat and mine wasn't. And then would mess with mine to make it flat which of course made it worse lol. I remember being in like 3rd or 4th grade and decided make fists at my chest under my basketball jersey so it looked like I had boobs. And I didn't care at all that another boy saw it and started laughing. In fact I know that I enjoyed the attention. And that was kinda big because I had already gone into "I have to look like and be a boy" mode. For some reason, I'm guessing family, I knew early on I wanted to be a girl but also knew early on that any expression of that desire was "wrong". I had boy parts so I was a boy was my thoughts that I'm pretty sure I didn't come up with looking back.

Agreed on always needing a shirt on esp during sports or swimming. Shirts and skins games were the worst![emoji23]


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About the age of 6, we had to dress up in tudor costumes for a school feite, it was the first time I got to wear tights,  they felt great.
A similar age I was sooo happy when all my underpants were in the wash and I had to wear a pair of my sisters panties to school for the day.
As a young teenager I used to cut out and put cardboard down my underwear to try and make it look smooth.

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I just remembered something. When I was 13 my parents sent me to therapy with a child psychologist cuz I was going through puberty and was grumpy all time (years later my mom admitted that the real reason they sent me there was that they had found the gay porn websites I had visited lol) and on my first appointment this woman went through a list of questions with me. I remember vividly that one of the questions was: "Do you want to be a girl?" and in my mind I screamed "YES!"...But of course my answer out loud was no. I knew I couldn't say that to her.

At age 10 as puberty started to really come on I started stealing cars,shoplifting and shop breaking but by 12 I had been caught and was facing a myriad of charges. I refused at this stage to say anything but stare blankly at the cops and my parents. In the end the judge decided that there was more to this than met the eye so ordered I see a social worker. He didn't send me away although I was sure I was going to "do time" in juvenile detention.

So the good judge sent me to see a social worker who made me go and see him every week for a year. I would sit in his office mute... Good naturedly, I would say hello, then say nothing again until it was time to leave...after the first 3 months he gave up so the visits went from 1 hour 2 a couple of minutes towards the end and then I just stopped bothering and so did he. I remember him telling me at one point I was a little thug and was lucky not to be locked up and I was very inappropriate and burst out laughing...it is my clearest memory Apart from the first day when I had decided to tell him what was going on inside my head. He interrupted me about a minute into what I was trying to say as he could clearly see I was struggling with something and he straight out asked me if I was trying to tell him that I was gay...I can remember being so surprised that I clammed up and never finished my sentence except to shake my head as I did every time he asked me the same question. I couldn't tell him I was a girl after the terrible trouble I caused and apart from that I knew my parents would not believe me...40 years later this part turned out to be true.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 09, 2017, 12:11:33 AM
I just remembered something. When I was 13 my parents sent me to therapy with a child psychologist cuz I was going through puberty and was grumpy all time (years later my mom admitted that the real reason they sent me there was that they had found the gay porn websites I had visited lol) and on my first appointment this woman went through a list of questions with me. I remember vividly that one of the questions was: "Do you want to be a girl?" and in my mind I screamed "YES!"...But of course my answer out loud was no. I knew I couldn't say that to her.

That question, which I got at 12 or 13 also haunted me for decades.  I handled it the same as you.

Quote from: ElizabethK on October 09, 2017, 01:12:17 AM
I would sit in his office mute... Good naturedly, I would say hello, then say nothing again until it was time to leave...

This reminds me of when my father tried to take me to a psychologist at 12 or 13. It was 2 years after my mother had tried to kill me (yes, he took that long to get around to it), and I had already started into my angry rebellious teen mode. I'd sit in his office and just stare at the wall, not saying anything. I think I only went for 2 or 3 sessions before they gave up.

I can also remember several times when I was in high school, my father basically said there's something he wanted to ask me, but didn't know how to say it. I suspected what it was, and I know for certain now that he wanted to ask if I was gay, since I had shown no interest in dating whatsoever (though I don't know how one equals the other?).

My parents also thought I was gay due my utter lack of interest in a relationship with anyone (because I didn't know what I was).

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I never got that from my parents, at least not to my face (though I'm reasonably sure it was assumed at times), but I did get it from random women for a similar reason. Essentially, because I didn't hit on them, flirt constantly, and generally lust after them that meant I was gay. The arrogance of that still blows me away. (The funny part to me is that I did find them attractive up until they revealed that arrogance. I just wasn't behaving like a guy, coupled with my general insecurity about not understanding where I fit in as well.)

In my mid-twenties I shared with with a female colleague that I was still a virgin,  her very first reaction was to ask if I was gay. Lol

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About a year or two before I finally admitted to myself what was going on, I fell in love with a sci-fi novel called Glasshouse. In it, people are free to build and switch bodies at any time. The protagonist starts in a male body, but signs up for an experiment where they are randomly assigned a body to emulate 1900s to 2000s Euroamerican life. The protagonist is assigned a female body, and I remember my whole brain lighting up. It was the dream.

Looking back I've always had a penchant for body swaps, gender play, and transformations in my fiction. Now I know why I was so fascinated with it.

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Quote from: Roll on September 28, 2017, 12:59:17 PM
Oh god, the towel dresses. I forgot about those. I'd always put a towel around my head as well and pretend it was long hair. Stupid repressed memories.

And I thought of another good one! Not understanding why my male friends wanted to see such and such movie because such and such actress was "hot"! (Mostly even if it was obviously a terrible movie.) I find women perfectly attractive and still didn't understand it, because it is just such a blatantly male approach to women. This is going back to the early days of puberty, though while this particular movie didn't come out when I was a kid there is one that stands out to me the most as the perfect example: Into the Deep. The movie was a cash in at the height of Jessica Alba's popularity, and is notable for spending probably the first third of the movie doing nothing but showing her swimming around in a skimpy bikini. Male friends were to a person in awe of it. My only thought was "So... when is the movie going to start?". When I questioned people on why they were so enthralled, the only answer they had was a dumbfounded "Uhh, she's hot.", like I was crazy for asking.

OH! This just hit me right as I was about to post. One time as a teenager with friends, someone randomly started watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. And I was of course thinking more about the bras than the models wearing them. I remember making a comment to the effect of "Ohh, that bra is sexy", which was about as outspoken as I ever was on any sexuality, and getting a reply to the effect of "who cares, the girl is hot I'd rather see her without it". Me in my head: "But... the bra." How on earth I didn't realize I wanted it for myself I have no idea.

Ehhh I think that may just be a tiny bit sexist towards men. Obviously those were individuals who had little respect for women at the time.

Quote from: Allie24 on October 09, 2017, 04:38:10 PM
Ehhh I think that may just be a tiny bit sexist towards men. Obviously those were individuals who had little respect for women at the time.

Not really sure what you mean since I was only referring to individuals, and teenagers nonetheless, didn't really say any of it was all men. (If you mean the "blatantly male approach to women" line, it was just an acknowledgement that it is a very stereotypical male behavior towards women. My point was only that I didn't connect with that teenage male mentality, and this was even among my fellow nerds, not exactly the popular jock types. Though yes, women do it too. If I had been among a group of girls and they had the same attitude towards men, I don't know what I would have felt or if I would have found a connection there or not, I never had the opportunity to find out.)

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 09, 2017, 06:55:51 AM
That question, which I got at 12 or 13 also haunted me for decades.  I handled it the same as you.

Yeah, in my case I don't think it would have led to anything good anyways. The psychologist was terrible at her job, or so I thought, I had such a bad attitude and was pretty much rolling my eyes at her all the time and she started scolding me for it which I thought wasn't very professional. And I don't know how my parents would have handled hearing that I wanted to be a girl at 13, but I'm sure allowing transitioning wasn't an option, they probably didn't know anything about it. And I wasn't ready, I didn't know what was happening either.

Quote from: Roll on October 09, 2017, 06:30:54 PM
Not really sure what you mean since I was only referring to individuals, and teenagers nonetheless, didn't really say any of it was all men. (If you mean the "blatantly male approach to women" line, it was just an acknowledgement that it is a very stereotypical male behavior towards women. My point was only that I didn't connect with that teenage male mentality, and this was even among my fellow nerds, not exactly the popular jock types. Though yes, women do it too. If I had been among a group of girls and they had the same attitude towards men, I don't know what I would have felt or if I would have found a connection there or not, I never had the opportunity to find out.)

It was in regards to the "blatantly male" line. I am sure it wasn't your intention to generalize, but it's good to be conscious of what words are used. "Blatant," as I understand it, means "obvious."

Quote from: Allie24 on October 09, 2017, 07:07:10 PM"Blatant," as I understand it, means "obvious."

Yes, obvious as in completely lacking in subtlety, obtrusive to the eye, or open and unashamed. An older usage is "offensive to the ear."

Quote from: zirconia on October 10, 2017, 07:46:08 AM
Yes, obvious as in completely lacking in subtlety, obtrusive to the eye, or open and unashamed. An older usage is "offensive to the ear."

Right, so to say something is "blatantly male behavior" implies that it is behavior that is obviously attributable to a male person, which I find to be an incorrect statement for several reasons. The proper term would have been "stereotypical male behavior."

I apologize to you, Roll, if my response came across as an attack. I think that we, as trans women, should not be so harsh towards those who share our birth sex, as every negative thing we say about them for the sex they were born as can be thrown right back at us because we were born with the same body parts.

Plus, I know a lot of gay cis women who drool over female celebrities' bodies and say nothing of their clothing lol

I don't want to get into an argument about grammar and hijack the thread, but it is really over analysis of a very common phrasing that has no ill intent. :D

I do stand by the word choice as not sexist towards men and accurate in my usage. I referenced what is certainly considered a stereotypical male behavior in regards to a group of teenage boys, and one that is not an unjust stereotype (even if many do it just to fit in themselves as teenagers, they still do it). That is just how the majority of teenage boys are, and "blatantly male" is certainly synonymous with "stereotypically male" in this context. I never made the statement it applied to all men, simply that it is an obviously (to use that word as well) male behavior towards women. Which again, is not a statement that it applies to all men or precludes women from engaging in the same behavior towards men. Word choice does matter, I agree, but I don't believe this qualified as something that needed caveats and disclaimers in the middle of a thread about hindsight (ie: this wasn't a discussion explicitly about male or female behavior, but rather the disconnect with the world around us growing up, in such a thread I would have mentioned caveats galore).

(That last post was as I was typing this, so doesn't flow quite right,  but I have to finish getting ready so can't really go back and look over this to make sure it works. :D)

Quote from: Roll on October 10, 2017, 09:00:45 AM
I don't want to get into an argument about grammar and hijack the thread, but it is really over analysis of a very common phrasing that has no ill intent. :D

I do stand by the word choice as not sexist towards men and accurate in my usage. I referenced what is certainly considered a stereotypical male behavior in regards to a group of teenage boys, and one that is not an unjust stereotype (even if many do it just to fit in themselves as teenagers, they still do it). That is just how the majority of teenage boys are, and "blatantly male" is certainly synonymous with "stereotypically male" in this context. I never made the statement it applied to all men, simply that it is an obviously (to use that word as well) male behavior towards women. Which again, is not a statement that it applies to all men or precludes women from engaging in the same behavior towards men. Word choice does matter, I agree, but I don't believe this qualified as something that needed caveats and disclaimers in the middle of a thread about hindsight (ie: this wasn't a discussion explicitly about male or female behavior, but rather the disconnect with the world around us growing up, in such a thread I would have mentioned caveats galore).

(That last post was as I was typing this, so doesn't flow quite right,  but I have to finish getting ready so can't really go back and look over this to make sure it works. :D)

I'll agree to disagree in regards to the word's use.

So as to continue the theme of this thread, I'll make a contribution:

At the age of 13 there was a time in which my breasts swelled and I had the hope that I would grow into a woman and my parents would have to change my name and buy me new clothes... didn't happen lol at least not then.

Okay, let's get back on topic:)

Maybe a bit too graphic and on the nose, but I wanted this thread to get back on topic since it was one of my favoritess.  I remember fooling around with a boy when I was really young about 9.  We didn't know what we were doing and it was really dry humping simulating what we saw on TV.  I was always the girl and on the bottom in these simulations.  Of course then we were caught and he wasn't allowed to play with me any more, since well, I'm deviant. The repressing probably started after this, not sure.

Amongst my many 'masculine' childhood hobbies of ballet,  singing in the choir and figure skating. I did enjoy the choir as I got to wear my outfit including a cassock,  which was basically a dress,  with an nice frilly ruff around my neck.

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Quote from: meganjames2 on October 11, 2017, 02:16:39 PM
Amongst my many 'masculine' childhood hobbies of ballet,  singing in the choir and figure skating. I did enjoy the choir as I got to wear my outfit including a cassock,  which was basically a dress,  with an nice frilly ruff around my neck.

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I was an "altar boy" for many years and received quite a hard time for being as old as I was and wanting to still partake. I loved being able to "Frock Up" with all he white lace and the long cassock which to me was just a dress. I think it might have helped relieve my GD in some small way as I always enjoyed the dressing up more than the actual job....getting caught "twirling my skirts" wasn't the best for my "masculine" image but it was a priest and he just looked at me oddly and never said another word but then I did play the violin, tennis and sing in the choir as hobbies ...Megan I can relate   ;D

Quote from: ElizabethK on October 12, 2017, 04:36:52 AM
I was an "altar boy" for many years and received quite a hard time for being as old as I was and wanting to still partake. I loved being able to "Frock Up" with all he white lace and the long cassock which to me was just a dress. I think it might have helped relieve my GD in some small way as I always enjoyed the dressing up more than the actual job....getting caught "twirling my skirts" wasn't the best for my "masculine" image but it was a priest and he just looked at me oddly and never said another word but then I did play the violin, tennis and sing in the choir as hobbies ...Megan I can relate   ;D

Although like the rest of my puberty,  it came late,  when my voice finally broke,  it really upset me.

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I remember my voice breaking and crying about it.  I used to sing soprano in the glee club.  You haven't heard the lead chorus of Lion sleeps tonight correctly, till you hear it in a chipmunk high pitched voice.

I have a new one and this one surprised me about ten years ago.  I started collecting masks in college.  I originally bought one for a girl I was dating but she broke it off before I gave it to her since, well, me.  I decided I liked it and mounted it on the wall.  One became two, became ten, etc.  I noticed about ten years ago that I liked masks because I related to them, being me and hiding behind a constructed persona.  I wonder if my family realized this.  Half of them were gifts from them.

Bari Jo

Plenty signs but it took me til shortly after my 21st birthday to put them together. I hated boys haircuts, lucky it was the late 60s/early 70s so I grew it out. Wondering why all the other boys were terrified of playing a girl in the school play. Getting girls books from my Grandmother,getting picked on  by bullies until I fought back at 13, not much interest in sport.Many years later I found out one of my nicknames at school was Emily though by then no one would have dared say it!

At the age of 10 I received a lacy white dress for Christmas by mistake and was disappointed when it was taken from me and given to my, at the time, stepsister. I started wishing I'd wake up as a girl around 10 1/2 years old. Later on, sometime around 12-13 years old I started crossdressing out of curiosity and found that I rather enjoyed how the clothes made me feel (though not necessarily how they made me look, they were way too big on me  :laugh:). When I was about to turn 16, I asked if I could have a "sweet 16" party, and was devastated when I was told by my mother that those are only for girls and that no, I couldn't have one.

One of my ex girlfriends from high school wore the same size as me and thought nothing of me wearing her clothes and vice versa, though she did like to constantly tell me I walk like a woman.

That's just off the top of my head. Of course, all that said, I'm neither on hrt nor out.

I'm one of the shirt on girls. When I was 5or6 me, my friend Greg and my sister were in my back yard on a hot summer day. He says 'Let's take off our shirts, it hot'. My sister had hers off in a flash, I was real slow about it, and he said to her 'You cant do that because your a girl!' Well, that stopped me in my tracks! I'd never thought about it before, I finally took my shirt off, but put it back on as quick as I could! Since that day my shirt stays on and I cant sleep with out one either. I thought I was weird until I noticed that most women undress from the bottom up. I just played with my sister all the time, playing house [of course arguing over who was going to be mom, didn't everybody do that?], Barbies, putting makeup on[ drove Mom nuts, we weren't very good at it] until the shirt incident. Then that same summer there were some boys I was running around with, when one of them called another boy a 'Sissy Boy'. I didn't see what he did, but he got ragged on for 3 days and I thought 'if they knew what I was thinking they would never leave me alone'. That was when I learned to hide my 'girl inside'. It hurts to type that because it's taken 50yrs. to overcome those 3 days.

Quote from: Dani2118 on October 13, 2017, 10:53:08 PM
I'm one of the shirt on girls. When I was 5or6 me, my friend Greg and my sister were in my back yard on a hot summer day. He says 'Let's take off our shirts, it hot'. My sister had hers off in a flash, I was real slow about it, and he said to her 'You cant do that because your a girl!' Well, that stopped me in my tracks! I'd never thought about it before, I finally took my shirt off, but put it back on as quick as I could! Since that day my shirt stays on and I cant sleep with out one either. I thought I was weird until I noticed that most women undress from the bottom up. I just played with my sister all the time, playing house [of course arguing over who was going to be mom, didn't everybody do that?], Barbies, putting makeup on[ drove Mom nuts, we weren't very good at it] until the shirt incident. Then that same summer there were some boys I was running around with, when one of them called another boy a 'Sissy Boy'. I didn't see what he did, but he got ragged on for 3 days and I thought 'if they knew what I was thinking they would never leave me alone'. That was when I learned to hide my 'girl inside'. It hurts to type that because it's taken 50yrs. to overcome those 3 days.

Dani,  sorry for your pain,  and thank you for sharing.  X

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I relate to most of what you say.

-I remember being very young, probably before primary school, and wishing I had been born a girl. With no apparent reason at all. I associated that feeling later with curiosity. I wanted to believe every person was curious about the other gender and wanted to "try it out". I remember the phrase "With all those X spermatozoons, why did a Y had to get into the ovule?"

-I allways got on better with the girls that with the boys. Boy games bored me. The rest of the boys seemed to be unable to socialize with girls... At seconday school my group of female friends just saw me as "another girl of the group", and would say and do things that they usually hide from men, like talking about menstruation. I was told a few times they sometimes forgot I was a boy. That was nice I think.

-I hated taking my shirt off, or being naked. Probably the reason why Itried to avoid swimming classes. I have a horrible tanning mark from going to the beach and keeping my shirt on all the time.

-I related to female fictional characters, and if I had the chance, I would pick female characters in video games. When I started with RPGs, I would create both male and female characters so I had a male one to play with when someone was around. I didn't want them to see me play as a girl. Of course, the ones with higher level were mostly female.

-I hated that men's cloting options were so limited, while girls had a lot to choose from.

-I also hated that men weren't allowed to be beautiful like girls. I wanted to epilate, put on makeup, have my nails done and have fabulous hair. I noticed that famous musicians were allowed to do all of them, so becaming a rockstar was an option.

-The first time I met face to face with a vagina, I was more curious than aroused. I was like "How does this thing work? What happens if I touch this? This definitely looks better than what I got. Why are my genitals so boring?"

Funny about the shirt thing!  As a kid, I used to like to have mine off.  I was very unhappy when my mother told me that I was too old to go running around shirtless, and I had to at least wear a halter top. 

I remember just lighting up inside whenever anyone confused me for a boy, and how disappointing it was when they learned the truth.  And OMG, I just remembered this . . . at 3 or 4, I had this weird skort thing with a flap in front.  I used to tuck it into the waistband so that it looked like I had something between my legs.  Then I'd take my shirt off and run around telling everyone my name was Robin (As in Batman and) and that I was a boy.  My cousins took this up and pretended with me. 

Nearly all my "lets pretend" personas were male.  As far as I can recall, all my Halloween costumes were of male or neutral characters. 

My family and friends, bless them, never gave me crap for any of this.  It's one of those unfair things that feminine boys are shamed and ostracized, but masculine girls aren't.  The first time I encountered real rejection was in adolescence, when all the boys looked at me as one of their guy friends and wouldn't date me.  I understood that they wanted girls who wore makeup and perfume and took time to dress prettily, and I wished I could be one of those girls, but I couldn't.  It was so much effort to try, and it felt so weird when I did it. 

I spent high school clomping around in combat boots and a men's bowling shirt with "Bob" sewn on the pocket, and I wondered why I couldn't get a boyfriend.  :p     

Okay so... I so desperately needed Lisa Frank binders and they wouldn't let me have them. Those two dolphins in the classic LF tones suspended mid air? It was beautiful! I wanted them all.

I got them to let me collect stickers. Right there, in that little space, I got to be so girly. I had all the best and prettiest stickers. Holograms. Glitter. Kitties. Puffy Stickers. All the best 80s phrases, like "Way Cool" and "Radical". I miss that collection.

I also never took my shirt off. Not ever.

Quote from: katiekatt on October 14, 2017, 11:13:13 AM
Okay so... I so desperately needed Lisa Frank binders and they wouldn't let me have them. Those two dolphins in the classic LF tones suspended mid air? It was beautiful! I wanted them all.

I got them to let me collect stickers. Right there, in that little space, I got to be so girly. I had all the best and prettiest stickers. Holograms. Glitter. Kitties. Puffy Stickers. All the best 80s phrases, like "Way Cool" and "Radical". I miss that collection.

I also never took my shirt off. Not ever.

What is a Lisa Frank binder??? You're MtF  so what did you need a binder for ?

Haha! Omg I'm SO old, lol. What a kick!

So in the 80's in grade school we all had three-ring binders. The biggest thing at that point was this company, Lisa Frank, that specialized in these super 80s hot colored images for girls. Only, there's no way you want one if you're a boy, and if you did... like me, you lie about it.  They had the pencil cases, the binders, stickers, everything.

(https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/mF0AAOSws4JW7gfX/s-l400.jpg)
(https://i.pinimg.com/236x/0b/57/5e/0b575e9d064816ad21ea6c9e1ad15dfc.jpg)
(https://img0.etsystatic.com/027/0/7632773/il_570xN.504224916_ioop.jpg)

Quote from: Julia1996 on October 14, 2017, 11:59:10 AM
What is a Lisa Frank binder??? You're MtF  so what did you need a binder for ?

I think it's for collecting stickers,  not flattening chests [emoji16].

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Quote from: katiekatt on October 14, 2017, 12:07:00 PM
Haha! Omg I'm SO old, lol. What a kick!

So in the 80's in grade school we all had three-ring binders. The biggest thing at that point was this company, Lisa Frank, that specialized in these super 80s hot colored images for girls. Only, there's no way you want one if you're a boy, and if you did... like me, you lie about it.  They had the pencil cases, the binders, stickers, everything.

(https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/mF0AAOSws4JW7gfX/s-l400.jpg)
(https://i.pinimg.com/236x/0b/57/5e/0b575e9d064816ad21ea6c9e1ad15dfc.jpg)
(https://img0.etsystatic.com/027/0/7632773/il_570xN.504224916_ioop.jpg)

Oh ok. You're talking about a notebook. Lol.  Those are pretty. No wonder you wanted one.

Quote from: Julia1996 on October 14, 2017, 11:59:10 AM
What is a Lisa Frank binder??? You're MtF  so what did you need a binder for ?

Don't feel too bad, I had to look them up myself and I'm from that era. ;D (Though once I did, I remembered them fully. All the girls had them.)

I confess, I had a boy binder for my notebooks and liked it. Of legendary baseball player Ozzie Smith (I lived in St. Louis for a while as a kid). Baseball is the only sport I've ever liked (though could never play because in general I'm not competitive and don't like having things thrown at me). Here's the fun part to that though in context of being trans... It was the sport my mom, not my dad, liked, and she watched it fairly religiously. She'd be the one to take me and my brother to Cardinals and Braves games, while my dad was off doing god knows what. Just thought that was interesting, to become attached to something stereo-typically masculine because it was a passion of my feminine influence. And also interestingly, my brother did not develop the same attachment and as he is not trans (well, at least as far as I know I guess), it makes sense he would emulate the feminine role model less. Hows that for weird psychology?

An MTF could want a binder if she did drag :P

Man, now I'm totally wishing Lisa Frank made chest binders.  :p  Lisa Frank stuff wasn't for me when I was a kid, but seeing those designs now is making me incredibly nostalgic.  I'd wear the heck out of that rainbow unicorn design.