Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I was just coming out of the bathroom and there is my wife standing there staring at me. I smiled at her like I have been lately. I smile at her and call her beautiful or just smile extra big or it's more of a grin and she asks ok what do you want? Lol. So she was staring at me and I smiled and it was not working. She was not smiling back. I kept smiling at her and she starts crying. I asked her what's wrong and she says she does not want to lose me. I'm like whaaat? Lose me? And she continues to tell me I'm changing. And she is afraid I am going all the way. She is afraid to lose her man. We had an awesome talk. We cleared somethings up and the communications are going to be easier and better. I told her I don't plan on GRS but I am still interested in an orchiectomy. And wow. We talked about it. I explained more of the Benefits. And now it seems like she may be ok with it. Won't like it but might allow it. We talked about electrolysis and the fact I will eventually remove all of my facial hair and she won't like that but will accept it. I am not sure she understands that when I say I want more curves and to look more female body wise if she understands I want surgery. But she does know I want a female body. She does not want me to have that but won't stop me. And she won't help pay for anything. She gave the ok to be completely dressed as myself when I go out with friends. When I am actually ready myself for that.

I asked her. " so you want to know everything when I do it and etc?" Because I would go to the hormone doctor and not tell her. Or electrolysis and not tell her. But if she was ever to ask where I was I would always tell her. And never hid it from her, just never told her unless asked.

Like when taking my pills. I would say vitamins and other pills. I was uncomfortable with her reactions. But now I get to be 100% open. I have to just accept her reaction.

So the last thing I asked her was what brought this on. Why did she seek me out and start crying. She said she is planning the future. And all the changes were scaring her. 

I could still lose her. There are times I have pretty bad dysphoria with the dangly bits. And I pretty much am going to continue until that final surgery is all that's left. Whether I actually stop there or finish it, is something to decide when I get there.


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One thing I read into this is that she loves you.  That will go a long way.  I love that she wants to know about the steps you are going through now.  This sounds very positive Norma!

Bari Jo

Communication is key and she feels insecure, so address that as you are able. In all relationship tough timesi have faced in the past, i can trace most of the problem to lack of communication.

Could not agree more with Robyn. Communication is the key...if you can maintain this then you have a much better change of being able to meet her heeds if you know what they are...I had to encourage my wife to talk to me about stuff she wants to know or bothers her.

Sounds to me like she loves you and you her, honesty and communication will be the two biggest things IMHO that will play the biggest part in the eventual outcome.

What a terrific wife you have and it must be scary for you both.
Many women are not so understanding.

I really hope you two can find a way to work it out.

Hi Norma Lynne,

It's a tough place to be.  My wife is semi-ok with me being on low-dose E.  I have small breasts now.  My wife isn't really happy about this.  She has problems with me dressing in front of her or going out female.   I don't do it because it upsets her.  I have told her I would love GCS and she just can't imagine staying together if I did that.

We're in a very difficult position.   There comes a point where communications just doesn't help.  If there is no more areas to compromise, it gets really tricky.  I wish I had the answers.
Take care,
Paige :)

We tell spouses that we love them for non-physical reasons but there are physical reasons as well. My wife is terrified about me wanting GCS. I've told het that it's down the road but no date has been thought about. She has been very supportive but she has her limits. I have to respect those limits. She did surprise me the other night and bought both of us some lingerie.

So you have to think if it's better to go slow so she can adjust or go fast and risk losing her.

My wife lost the plot because I bought woman's deoderant.
It's such little things that can have such a big impact

We all should as fortunate


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I have to wonder why no one has brought or mentioned the emotional and physical needs of your wife. What are her options?

Quote from: Complete on October 02, 2017, 09:27:13 PM
I have to wonder why no one has brought or mentioned the emotional and physical needs of your wife. What are her options?

I have thought about that too with a lot of posts I've read. I have sympathy for the wives too. I don't think it's right to try and hold someone back from transitioning but I can see what causes distress to some of these wives. For those of you with wives that are struggling with your transition consider this. Your wife that you loved and married however long ago tells you she's Trans and that she's going to transition. You're shocked and maybe even a little mad. But you love her and you decide you can handle it. So one day she comes home and she has a buzz cut. This upsets you but you think it's only hair and you push it aside. Then you start noticing the changes from testosterone.  Her voice starts getting deeper. She gets facial and chest hair. Her body starts to become hard and a bit muscular. Then she has top surgery and the boobs you always loved are gone. Now she has a flat, hairy chest. Her soft face is now covered with thick black facial hair. Her arms and legs are covered with thick black hair. She smells like a guy now. Finally she wants SRS. Then you're faced with a penis. Your wife is now a man and he's your husband. You still love her and even if you can accept all those changes and manage to keep a sexual relationship with her, your still going to grieve for the wife you've always known. It's the same for a wife with a MtF spouse.

Quote from: Julia1996 on October 03, 2017, 08:03:38 AM
Your wife that you loved and married however long ago tells you she's Trans and that she's going to transition. You're shocked and maybe even a little mad. But you love her and you decide you can handle it.

Yep. I imagined our roles being reversed, and she's handling it a lot better than I think I would have. From reading about others' experience on here, it seems like a lot of wives, not all, have handled it well and want to stay together. When you think about it that's amazing.

Quote from: Julia1996 on October 03, 2017, 08:03:38 AM
I have thought about that too with a lot of posts I've read. I have sympathy for the wives too. I don't think it's right to try and hold someone back from transitioning but I can see what causes distress to some of these wives. For those of you with wives that are struggling with your transition consider this. Your wife that you loved and married however long ago tells you she's Trans and that she's going to transition. You're shocked and maybe even a little mad. But you love her and you decide you can handle it. So one day she comes home and she has a buzz cut. This upsets you but you think it's only hair and you push it aside. Then you start noticing the changes from testosterone.  Her voice starts getting deeper. She gets facial and chest hair. Her body starts to become hard and a bit muscular. Then she has top surgery and the boobs you always loved are gone. Now she has a flat, hairy chest. Her soft face is now covered with thick black facial hair. Her arms and legs are covered with thick black hair. She smells like a guy now. Finally she wants SRS. Then you're faced with a penis. Your wife is now a man and he's your husband. You still love her and even if you can accept all those changes and manage to keep a sexual relationship with her, your still going to grieve for the wife you've always known. It's the same for a wife with a MtF spouse.

I would be ok with it. I love her for who she is, not her role or presentation. I would find that facile. I'm just not that socially rules oriented.


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Quote from: Julia1996 on October 03, 2017, 08:03:38 AM
I have thought about that too with a lot of posts I've read. I have sympathy for the wives too. I don't think it's right to try and hold someone back from transitioning but I can see what causes distress to some of these wives. For those of you with wives that are struggling with your transition consider this. Your wife that you loved and married however long ago tells you she's Trans and that she's going to transition. You're shocked and maybe even a little mad. But you love her and you decide you can handle it. So one day she comes home and she has a buzz cut. This upsets you but you think it's only hair and you push it aside. Then you start noticing the changes from testosterone.  Her voice starts getting deeper. She gets facial and chest hair. Her body starts to become hard and a bit muscular. Then she has top surgery and the boobs you always loved are gone. Now she has a flat, hairy chest. Her soft face is now covered with thick black facial hair. Her arms and legs are covered with thick black hair. She smells like a guy now. Finally she wants SRS. Then you're faced with a penis. Your wife is now a man and he's your husband. You still love her and even if you can accept all those changes and manage to keep a sexual relationship with her, your still going to grieve for the wife you've always known. It's the same for a wife with a MtF spouse.

As I said before - any straight male (not a bi- or trans- or gay-) would run away at the point of facing facial hair and surgeries. If he's a decent person - he would still be a friend and a parent, but I am yet to see any straight male who would remain with a FTM person after transition is obvious.

For women, the run away option is more difficult because of finances and children, and stay with the partner choice is less difficult because social pressure from the society and friends is less hostile. Even then, it's 50/50.

Quote from: Julia1996 on October 03, 2017, 08:03:38 AM
I have thought about that too with a lot of posts I've read. I have sympathy for the wives too. I don't think it's right to try and hold someone back from transitioning but I can see what causes distress to some of these wives. For those of you with wives that are struggling with your transition consider this. Your wife that you loved and married however long ago tells you she's Trans and that she's going to transition. You're shocked and maybe even a little mad. But you love her and you decide you can handle it. So one day she comes home and she has a buzz cut. This upsets you but you think it's only hair and you push it aside. Then you start noticing the changes from testosterone.  Her voice starts getting deeper. She gets facial and chest hair. Her body starts to become hard and a bit muscular. Then she has top surgery and the boobs you always loved are gone. Now she has a flat, hairy chest. Her soft face is now covered with thick black facial hair. Her arms and legs are covered with thick black hair. She smells like a guy now. Finally she wants SRS. Then you're faced with a penis. Your wife is now a man and he's your husband. You still love her and even if you can accept all those changes and manage to keep a sexual relationship with her, your still going to grieve for the wife you've always known. It's the same for a wife with a MtF spouse.

I think many do accept and feel very guilty a out this. Our partners might just be the number one reason to ai tain the status quo.
To love someone so much makes it hard to hurt them for your own need

I do not believe staying with someone,  "no matter what", is a good solution. Everyone is making compromises. I just don't see a happy outcome. Sure many wives are forced to settle and make the best of a difficult,  to put it mildly, situation. As mentioned above she is faced with her own personal needs being forced down by her responsibility to her children or any myriad of pressures from gender counseling or therapists.
It is my personal opinion that the responsibility for the consequences of transition lies with the person making the change. "Boiling the frog slowly" might work for cooking frogs, but should not be applied to the woman you married as the man you apparently knew you were not.

Quote from: elkie-t on October 03, 2017, 09:37:42 AM

For women, the run away option is more difficult because of finances and children, and stay with the partner choice is less difficult because social pressure from the society and friends is less hostile. Even then, it's 50/50.

Actually to be 100% technical we are common law and she brings home all the money and everything including my car is in her name. So for my wife, she can just kick me out. And I would not blame her.
And to address if the roles were reversed I would not like it one bit. But she is the love of my life. And I would have to deal. I can not imagine life with out her. And if she became a he It would not change the fact that I love her. I've been with both sides and you love the person. Not their gender. My partner is the love of my life and I love my partner. Besides the only physical contact we have now it kissing. She says its because of her gaining a little weight. But it could be both reasons.


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Quote from: Complete on October 03, 2017, 11:00:22 AM
It is my personal opinion that the responsibility for the consequences of transition lies with the person making the change. "Boiling the frog slowly" might work for cooking frogs, but should not be applied to the woman you married as the man you apparently knew you were not.

This is why I do not like posting here. People assume they know you or your partner and or our situation. She can kick me out anytime. I am going slow at her request. She tells me what she can handle and I try my best to accommodate her. She has told me that she will never stop me but will tell me what she can handle and what she can't and if it could be something that would take time or it's something for sure she will never be able to deal with in time.

Also I went my whole life not knowing I was trans. Thought I was a cross dresser. Never even heard of trans until after I met my partner. Or even knowing the word transgender. She found out I was a cross dresser less than a year into our relationship. I thought she was going to kick me out then. But we discussed it and moved on. When I figured out I was trans I told her where I thought I was and how far I would go. But I also made it clear that there was no guarantees. We decided then a therapist was a good idea. Been seeing one since. She has been also. So one true thing about being trans is that nobody's situation is exactly the same. My partner and I now have open communication and have been doing better since. And it seems like we have been doing pretty good the whole time. So going slow works just fine for both of us. She must love me. Because there is noting other than our love thats keeping me here. Her life without me would be the same. Monetary wise.


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Quote from: Julia1996 on October 03, 2017, 08:03:38 AM
I have thought about that too with a lot of posts I've read. I have sympathy for the wives too. I don't think it's right to try and hold someone back from transitioning but I can see what causes distress to some of these wives. For those of you with wives that are struggling with your transition consider this. Your wife that you loved and married however long ago tells you she's Trans and that she's going to transition. You're shocked and maybe even a little mad. But you love her and you decide you can handle it. So one day she comes home and she has a buzz cut. This upsets you but you think it's only hair and you push it aside. Then you start noticing the changes from testosterone.  Her voice starts getting deeper. She gets facial and chest hair. Her body starts to become hard and a bit muscular. Then she has top surgery and the boobs you always loved are gone. Now she has a flat, hairy chest. Her soft face is now covered with thick black facial hair. Her arms and legs are covered with thick black hair. She smells like a guy now. Finally she wants SRS. Then you're faced with a penis. Your wife is now a man and he's your husband. You still love her and even if you can accept all those changes and manage to keep a sexual relationship with her, your still going to grieve for the wife you've always known. It's the same for a wife with a MtF spouse.

Good thoughts indeed. I've thought about them many times. The tables reversing sort of thing and i came to the conclusion that i love her and would love the eventual him just as much, would attraction change? maybe. would sex change certainly.

Now i like guys and i have boyfriend too. Two men in my life would be sort of interesting. My pansexuality and largely open marriage I'm sure affect my attitude. Perhaps if i was heterosexual and use to monogamy it would be harder.

Quote from: elkie-t on October 03, 2017, 09:37:42 AM
As I said before - any straight male (not a bi- or trans- or gay-) would run away at the point of facing facial hair and surgeries. If he's a decent person - he would still be a friend and a parent, but I am yet to see any straight male who would remain with a FTM person after transition is obvious.

For women, the run away option is more difficult because of finances and children, and stay with the partner choice is less difficult because social pressure from the society and friends is less hostile. Even then, it's 50/50.

I would be somewhat careful about making sweeping statements. Staying in a largely platonic marriage happens fairly often in life. Age is a big factor too. I actually know a straight male that stayed with his trans man spouse. Also women sometimes are the more economically powerful partner,  i know several couples like that.

Quote from: RobynD on October 03, 2017, 12:11:08 PM
I would be somewhat careful about making sweeping statements. Staying in a largely platonic marriage happens fairly often in life. Age is a big factor too. I actually know a straight male that stayed with his trans man spouse. Also women sometimes are the more economically powerful partner,  i know several couples like that.

Hi Robin, you, like anyone else in this forum, are excluded from my statement... I said 'straight males' and you (and me) are not them. So, I don't doubt that you'd stay with your partner, but my statement nonetheless stands :)

As far as 'women being more powerful economically'... But being more powerful doesn't equal to 'the husband being a homemaker and raising the children'. I don't question possibility of such guy existence or that he actually might choose to stay in the marriage because insufferable loss of quality of life... But as I said, I'm yet to see such a guy (or even hear from one online), and we both know plenty of women in such bad situation.

Quote from: Julia1996 on October 03, 2017, 08:03:38 AM
I have thought about that too with a lot of posts I've read. I have sympathy for the wives too. I don't think it's right to try and hold someone back from transitioning but I can see what causes distress to some of these wives. For those of you with wives that are struggling with your transition consider this. Your wife that you loved and married however long ago tells you she's Trans and that she's going to transition. You're shocked and maybe even a little mad. But you love her and you decide you can handle it. So one day she comes home and she has a buzz cut. This upsets you but you think it's only hair and you push it aside. Then you start noticing the changes from testosterone.  Her voice starts getting deeper. She gets facial and chest hair. Her body starts to become hard and a bit muscular. Then she has top surgery and the boobs you always loved are gone. Now she has a flat, hairy chest. Her soft face is now covered with thick black facial hair. Her arms and legs are covered with thick black hair. She smells like a guy now. Finally she wants SRS. Then you're faced with a penis. Your wife is now a man and he's your husband. You still love her and even if you can accept all those changes and manage to keep a sexual relationship with her, your still going to grieve for the wife you've always known. It's the same for a wife with a MtF spouse.

Hi Julia,

I don't know about others but I've consider this often.  My wife has asked me this question.  I'm not sure I would mind at all but I know she would never want to do that.  She often wonders about whether my orientation would change somewhat, as do I.  I've never been attracted to men but that may change as I transition.

The thing is it's not that I'm forcing her to stay in a relationship where I transition.  It's that she doesn't want to let the old me go.  She doesn't want to leave me and she doesn't want me to change.  All my life I've not transitioned because I always cared more about other people's feelings than mine.  Therefore I'm stuck,  I can't split because that would hurt her and I can't transition because that would hurt her.

My children are adults now.  My wife can stand on her own financially so this isn't why she wishes to continue the relationship.  She doesn't want any change.  She wants it to be like it was in the past.  After 50+ years of catering to the rest of the world, I'm finally reaching my breaking point and that doesn't seem to matter.   

There's no good guys or bad guys in this situation.  There's just people stuck in an incredibly difficult situation with no easy answers.

Take care,
Paige :)

"There's no good guys or bad guys in this situation.  There's just people stuck in an incredibly difficult situation with no easy answers."

Yes. That is unfortunately true. Speaking as a woman who has been in more than a few serious ltr's with men, and married more than once, again to a man, l feel like l can understand the POV of a woman whose man (?) wants to become a woman, (or just as bad), wants to castrate himself.
In my mind, in my heart, that would be tantamount to losing the man l loved and married. That, l believe is why your wife was crying. Sure, you can convince yourself and maybe even your wife, that you will still be the same person "inside". I don't believe that. Based on my own experience and the words of others, everything changes.

Quote from: elkie-t on October 03, 2017, 02:18:33 PM
Hi Robin, you, like anyone else in this forum, are excluded from my statement... I said 'straight males' and you (and me) are not them. So, I don't doubt that you'd stay with your partner, but my statement nonetheless stands :)

As far as 'women being more powerful economically'... But being more powerful doesn't equal to 'the husband being a homemaker and raising the children'. I don't question possibility of such guy existence or that he actually might choose to stay in the marriage because insufferable loss of quality of life... But as I said, I'm yet to see such a guy (or even hear from one online), and we both know plenty of women in such bad situation.

I hear you :) I was actually referring to a cis male and trans male couple i know, straight and bi respectively, but your point is not invalid. I know a couple stay at home dads as well. True though that people stay in "non-standard" (please excuse the term) for a variety of reasons.

Without a doubt this stuff tests marriages and relationships though. As changes go, it is certainly a big one.

Quote from: Paige on October 03, 2017, 03:36:07 PM
Hi Julia,

I don't know about others but I've consider this often.  My wife has asked me this question.  I'm not sure I would mind at all but I know she would never want to do that.  She often wonders about whether my orientation would change somewhat, as do I.  I've never been attracted to men but that may change as I transition.

The thing is it's not that I'm forcing her to stay in a relationship where I transition.  It's that she doesn't want to let the old me go.  She doesn't want to leave me and she doesn't want me to change.  All my life I've not transitioned because I always cared more about other people's feelings than mine.  Therefore I'm stuck,  I can't split because that would hurt her and I can't transition because that would hurt her.

My children are adults now.  My wife can stand on her own financially so this isn't why she wishes to continue the relationship.  She doesn't want any change.  She wants it to be like it was in the past.  After 50+ years of catering to the rest of the world, I'm finally reaching my breaking point and that doesn't seem to matter.   

There's no good guys or bad guys in this situation.  There's just people stuck in an incredibly difficult situation with no easy answers.

Take care,
Paige :)

A lot is just like mine. She does not want to kick me out. But would rather I did not transition. But I am transitioning and in the end will lose her if I believe she will kick me out if I get GRS.

If you are anything like me you need to move forward. It won't go away. My wife has constantly told me she is at her last thing she can handle. The we talk. The last thing that happened was before our last talk was me asking to get an orchiectomy. She blew a gasket. Big time. Told me in so many words that if I did it would be over. She is not gay and has no want to be with a woman. It was so bad I just waited till she was done and let it go. The one day she comes to me crying. You can read my last post I started for more detail. Wanting to know how to plan the future. She wants me in it but feels she is losing her man. As I am becoming a woman. I go slow for her. No we have great communication. And we talked about the orchiectomy she asked about the benifits. I explained them. And when we get back from our vacay I will see if I can schedule it.

(This post is of my opinion and experiences, your mileage may vary as everyone is different )


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