Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I just learned that my sister will be staying with me for the month of November.  She has stayed with me a lot, so this is no surprise.  It is however the first time she's there while I'm actively transitioning.  I'm doing 8 plus hours a week of electrolysis so that's hard to hide, plus I'm not longer trying to be drab.  I'm not presenting, but I'm only wearing ladies jeans, shoes, soon to be earrings too. I attend a tg support group also.  At the end of the month I'm going to get my hairline restored.  With all these together, I don't think there is any way I cannot hide it from her.  I'm thinking my new date to come out with her will be Nov 1st.  I'm not sure how to bring it up, a letter I don't think would work as well as being face to face.  I think I've got to do it at home because I will cry, I'm sure of it, and don't want that to happen in public even though I'm sure she would be supportive.  I am hoping she won't want me to go into my history since it was bad enough to admit it all to myself.  I'm sure I'll have to give her some history though.  I'm trying to work up the courage to do it.  I can't lay down hints till then mainly because she has enough on her plate getting married in less than two weeks.  Feeling mixed up, wanting to come clean, afraid to do it.

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 10, 2017, 07:48:20 PM
I just learned that my sister will be staying with me for the month of November.  She has stayed with me a lot, so this is no surprise.  It is however the first time she's there while I'm actively transitioning.  I'm doing 8 plus hours a week of electrolysis so that's hard to hide, plus I'm not longer trying to be drab.  I'm not presenting, but I'm only wearing ladies jeans, shoes, soon to be earrings too. I attend a tg support group also.  At the end of the month I'm going to get my hairline restored.  With all these together, I don't think there is any way I cannot hide it from her.  I'm thinking my new date to come out with her will be Nov 1st.  I'm not sure how to bring it up, a letter I don't think would work as well as being face to face.  I think I've got to do it at home because I will cry, I'm sure of it, and don't want that to happen in public even though I'm sure she would be supportive.  I am hoping she won't want me to go into my history since it was bad enough to admit it all to myself.  I'm sure I'll have to give her some history though.  I'm trying to work up the courage to do it.  I can't lay down hints till then mainly because she has enough on her plate getting married in less than two weeks.  Feeling mixed up, wanting to come clean, afraid to do it.

You could write a letter, and have your history in it.  Have it ready for her when she arrives.  Then all you have to do is be available to answer questions.  Or you can have a friend there to support you while you talk to her about it.

Quote from: Artesia on October 10, 2017, 08:06:44 PM
You could write a letter, and have your history in it.  Have it ready for her when she arrives.  Then all you have to do is be available to answer questions.  Or you can have a friend there to support you while you talk to her about it.

I do like that idea.  Have it just in case.  I should probably write my history out just for me to remember later in life too.  I'm not out to friends yet.  I am out to a select few coworkers though.  I've been waiting to do this coming out when I could actually present as female.  Perhaps that's folly on my part.

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 10, 2017, 08:16:29 PM
I do like that idea.  Have it just in case.  I should probably write my history out just for me to remember later in life too.  I'm not out to friends yet.  I am out to a select few coworkers though.  I've been waiting to do this coming out when I could actually present as female.  Perhaps that's folly on my part.

Maybe, but maybe not.  For me, I waited about 8-10 months before talking to my closest male friend.  I told my best friend, female, before I went to therapy; but then it was an "I think I might be" not an "I am".  My last friend, was just told last week.  On Facebook.  I very seldom see him, so forgot to talk to him about it.  The girls I told in between, are taking me out this upcoming weekend on a girls night.  It'll be my first. ;D

Sorry, I digress.  People will surprise you.  Some will be really supportive, even when you think they won't, and some will unfriend you, when you thought they would stick with you.  Some people will be not want to know, and others will wish you had told them sooner.  Depends on your friends personalities.

I don't really have the qualification to offer any advice on this issue considering I am trying to figure out how to approach it as well, I just wanted to offer encouragement!

Though if you feel that your sister will be accepting (and that you didn't mention otherwise, I assume that to be the case), try to hold onto that and do your best to let it ease your nervousness. Or at least that is what my totally-unqualified-for-said-advice-self (which I seem to have given the advice anyway  :-X) is trying to do. Seems to be working okay-ish in that I'm not totally panicking over the idea of coming out, when knowing myself it seems like I would be.

Family is hard to come out too. To be honest they were the last ones that I came clean to because you feel the pressure of their judgement more than others. They matter the most to most people. I was very nervous, I told my sister first and actually she helped me by prepping them before I talked to them. You have to tell her in a way that is as stressful for you. Be genuine and honest with her, be open, and being vulnerable is not a bad thing. I know you don't want to cry but, if you do it is not a horrible response to have at all, I mean you are opening you soul up to your sister on your most hidden secret. I like the letter idea and let her read it then, let her ask questions and respond. Bari you seem like a great person and real!!! If your family is anything like you then they should take it okay. Just be you whatever you do!

Quote from: Jailyn on October 10, 2017, 08:30:57 PM
. Bari you seem like a great person and real!!! If your family is anything like you then they should take it okay. Just be you whatever you do!

Thanks, my sister is great and my best friend.  She is much more real than me.  I've lived fake all my life until recently.  No more fake, hopefully.  I'm trying:)

Have no doubt, there is no way your sister is not going to know something is up. If not almost immediately.

I remember having a letter, or a script, done up with all I wanted to make sure got covered when the time came for me to drop the T-Bomb on my wife. It was blown to hell before the 3rd sentence. It took about 2 months of a lot of talking to cover the high points.

Is your sister going to show up at your front door?  Airport pickup?  Driving but is Geographically Challenged like I am and knows she'll be hopeless lost trying to find your place?

If she is showing up at the front door, half the problem is solved. Most likely at first glance she will see something is a LOT different about you, even if you do all DRAB. You know sisters can be. (BTW - Older or Younger by how much?).  If she is showing up around eating time, then a little time can be brought while food is being done up and she gets to take all of you in and likely start asking questions on her own

Quote from: Artesia on October 10, 2017, 08:25:52 PMThe girls I told in between, are taking me out this upcoming weekend on a girls night.  It'll be my first. ;D

Isn't that so cool, Artesia? Just tonight I got the same kind of invitation. The women in the neighborhood have welcomed me into their world with open arms, and are arranging a girl's night out for me and my wife, dining and line dancing. Neither of us know anything about dancing, but I'm feeling so joyful right now, I may give it a try.

Stephanie

Quote from: JoanneB on October 10, 2017, 08:53:57 PM
Have no doubt, there is no way your sister is not going to know something is up. If not almost immediately.

I remember having a letter, or a script, done up with all I wanted to make sure got covered when the time came for me to drop the T-Bomb on my wife. It was blown to hell before the 3rd sentence. It took about 2 months of a lot of talking to cover the high points.

Is your sister going to show up at your front door?  Airport pickup?  Driving but is Geographically Challenged like I am and knows she'll be hopeless lost trying to find your place?

If she is showing up at the front door, half the problem is solved. Most likely at first glance she will see something is a LOT different about you, even if you do all DRAB. You know sisters can be. (BTW - Older or Younger by how much?).  If she is showing up around eating time, then a little time can be brought while food is being done up and she gets to take all of you in and likely start asking questions on her own

Hi Joanne, I've seen my sister who is a year and a half older than me every couple weeks.  She has seen me plenty, and I'm sure it's obvious that I'm up to something. I would love if she brought it up first.  She has before,/after but I was never ready to admit who I was.  I think I'm ready, but kind of have to anyway.

She used to live with me so she knows exactly where I live, and has a key.  Yes she'lll probably come around dinner time and typically we would go out.  I'm a terrible cook for anything except desserts, so we'd go out.

I'll write the letter, and even if I don't get to it, I might give it to her after so she can have the whole story.  Or maybe have two envelopes, one basic and one more detailed to only open if she needs more info.

This will be my homework the next couple weeks.  I will post the basic one here to get feedback like Roll.

Thanks for your comments and support everyone.  I think this will be my most difficult coming out mainly because of how close we are, and how I've basically been lying about who I am for nearly my whole life.  Plus she knows all that.  After this, it might be easier.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 11, 2017, 12:19:43 AM
Hi Joanne, I've seen my sister who is a year and a half older than me every couple weeks.  She has seen me plenty, and I'm sure it's obvious that I'm up to something. I would love if she brought it up first.  She has before,/after but I was never ready to admit who I was.  I think I'm ready, but kind of have to anyway.

She used to live with me so she knows exactly where I live, and has a key.  Yes she'lll probably come around dinner time and typically we would go out.  I'm a terrible cook for anything except desserts, so we'd go out.

I'll write the letter, and even if I don't get to it, I might give it to her after so she can have the whole story.  Or maybe have two envelopes, one basic and one more detailed to only open if she needs more info.

This will be my homework the next couple weeks.  I will post the basic one here to get feedback like Roll.

Thanks for your comments and support everyone.  I think this will be my most difficult coming out mainly because of how close we are, and how I've basically been lying about who I am for nearly my whole life.  Plus she knows all that.  After this, it might be easier.

Bari Jo

    First and foremost, HUGS! This isn't easy for the vast majority of us. Still working on my Brother, but haven't been able to reach him, or he's just ignoring me. He leans strongly conservative and is kind of a douche, so I wouldn't put it past him that he knows and doesn't want to deal with it. Anyone that really knows you like your sister probably has a very good idea whats going on, just not the details. The twin letters is a great idea, helps get all your thoughts out, while compartmentalizing things she has to know and things better left unsaid if the night doesn't pan out well. I would still start with "Hello/Hi (sister's name,) I'd like you to meet your sister Bari Jo. Just handing her the first letter without the verbal greeting could come off as rude and impersonal, not a great way to start.

    There are options, both on the initial greeting, and dinner. You could tell her you have something very important to reveal to her, and that you would rather greet her at the door. Formally introduce her to her sister so to speak. Regarding dinner, you could always order in, pizza, Chinese, etc. Since you do desserts well, (one of my main culinary weak points,) you could make/bake her something from scratch for after the takeout. It'll have the effect of showing that both she and this (reveal) are important enough to you to put in the extra effort to make her something special. Knowing the tears that are bound to flow, (and mascara to be redone,) I totally agree with your original idea not to be in public that first evening. Keep it private and personal.

    Don't be so hard on yourself. Though it's likely she may harbor a tiny bit of hurt feelings and resentment that you didn't feel comfortable with her enough or trust her enough to let her know your secret before now, she will understand why. Not being ready to face close loved ones, let alone the world as yourself isn't exactly lying. She should be able to empathize that you love her so much that how she feels about it scares you.

    If she need's any help understanding where you are coming from and what its like, feel free to use my go-to analogy, (only works with women though):

    "Imagine that you wake up tomorrow the same person in every way, same heart, same mind, same spirit; with one exception, you now have a male body." (Let that sink in for a few seconds, once you can tell she's visualizing it, proceed.) "It might be interesting, and even a little fun at first, but since it's not really you, it would eventually become a nightmare." (Another pause while her psyche catches up, hopefully with verbal agreement, possibly asking "With me so far?") "Well sis, that's the nightmare I've been waking up to every day of my life since I was (insert the age when you realized that you are transgender.)"  "Every night going to bed hoping, wishing, and praying that I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fixed and I can be normal; and every morning the same depressing result, another day in the wrong body, another day hiding myself from the world, and another day wishing I could get to the light that I hope is at the end of the tunnel." (If I'm emotionally close to the person, I'm always in tears at this point.) I've never had a female, even those that weren't very Pro-GBLTQ, not have a deeper understanding of me and what it's like after explaining this.

    Be ready for her tears as well, as the magnitude of that realization hits her. Don't expect her to not hug you fiercely and cry on each others shoulders for a bit, because it's most likely going to happen. Let her know how long you've wanted to tell her, and how much of your sisterhood you two have missed out on. Doesn't hurt to lift her spirits and put a smile on her face, or maybe even a laugh, to remind her that this means she has a new shopping buddy. Once she "gets it," a lot of your past won't even need to be shared, unless you both want to. A lot of who you were (ie. possible macho overcompensation yet still underlying gentle spirit,) will make sense to her immediately.

    At any rate, I hope all goes well. Keep us updated. And remember, you are strong enough to do this. We all support you.

HUGS!

Hey hun,  having a letter,  even if you don't use it is it good idea. I wrote a letter when it came to telling my Ex. I had fully intended to read it to her,  but was unable (totally choked up),  so at least she was able to read it herself.
It sounds like you and your sister are close,  and I wish you the best,  whatever and whenever you choose to do it.

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Reading these responses and suggestions has gotten me choked up several times tonight, unfortunately while I was pulling a late night review.  (Lots of people). I bottled it up till I got home and read them again, and the tears are flowing hard.  Thank you all for your support.  I will try and live up to all these great suggestions.

I can't stress enough how great it is to have this group.  I don't think I could do this without the support here.

Bari Jo

Today was a brutal emotional day.  I spent my commute, both ways  and lunch hour writing the letter for my sister.  I was nearly crying the whole time and not hiding it well.  A coworker even came in to tell me to "hang in there'.  I'm still almost crying, but I think it's a good enough draft to get opinions.  Let me know what you think?  Maybe how to change to make it better?

Bari Jo

Part 1, The Reveal
If you are reading this, then I'm probably a mess crying rather than saying what I want and need to say. I'm fairly certain you are aware of my issues personally and in relating to others in love and friendship. In short, and saying this up front before going into any of my history, I'm transgender. I've struggled with the ramifications, outcomes, problems with this for nearly 40 years. I've denied and repressed as long as I could, it's part of me. This has made me hollow and unfeeling, uncomfortable with myself, anyone I've tried to get close to, even just being in social situations and work environments. At times the disconnect that comes with this is almost debilitating. I've finally accepted what I am, and am not fighting it anymore. I've carried the weight of shame, and denial for far too long. From now on, I plan on taking steps to live as myself, as the person I've felt I am inside for as long as I can remember. On the plus side you won't have to learn a new name, or call me anything else. I'm accepting the name Mom and Dad had for me originally before I was born of "Bari Jo". This makes it easy for everybody, besides I like the name, and the history that goes with it.

I want you to know that the struggle was entirely my fault. I didn't have the tools nor maturity to deal with this issue. I know you tried to get me to open up many times. Nothing you could have said or done could have made this happen sooner or differently. I wasn't ready, I'm still not ready, but feel the need to do it finally.

I will still be the same individual you have grown up with, and learned to love despite my faults. I will still be here for you as well in the same capacity, but now also with something more and a calmness that comes with personal acceptance.

I hope you are able to accept this and me if not now, sometime soon. You are a big part of my life, and I want you to remain a big part.

Part 2, The History
I've struggled with my identity all my life, since grade school and before. I knew I was different, I knew that I didn't fit in from an early age. I had nothing but support from our family, well except Andrea. She would ask me often if I was gay. I always answered honestly, no, I'm not. In fact I'm straight, but do like men. I know I've had girlfriends, but they never lasted and it was my fault. I was always struggling with my internal demons that made me not want to be masculine. Mom and Dad had conversations with me trying to see if I would rather be a girl a few times, even offering avenues to achieve it. In my head I was always wanting to say yes, but couldn't admit it. Environmental factors were stronger than family since I was bombarded from all sides to not be different from friends, teachers, TV, you name it. The message was to fit in, and accept my assigned gender.

So the repression took hold. I became fairly good at putting up a facade. I hid behind my make believe persona, but in my head it was always the opposite. At times this facade would break down and I'd have to let Bari Jo come out if only for a tiny bit, even if this was only in very small ways. Sometimes the facade would hold for years before another breakdown would happen.

On the other hand these breakdowns sometimes were very soul crushing and life changing too. I've been broken a few times so badly that the only way out I found was to attempt transition. I did this three times on my own using herbal hormones and anti androgens before feeling fine again or scaring myself into stopping. This is the problem with Gender Dysphoria, it's mental, and also chemical/hormonal. In a transgender person, if the hormone balance is restored to what your brain needs and body craves, rather than what you can create, you feel fine. You are able to function, think clearly, feel calm, and rationalize incorrectly you don't need it anymore. I've learned the hard way that I do need it a few times. Not only do the feelings of dysphoria come back, but stronger than ever. This last time I could barely function from it.

On the plus side, I'm starting to get a handle on my Gender Dysphoria. I've been attending group therapy both online and in person for a few months now. During my last DIY transition attempt, I came to accept myself with a lot of help from a support group and in person friends I've met along the way. This led me to meet with a transgender specialist. I have been professionally diagnosed and the relief from getting this diagnosis is profound. I am now on prescription medication to monitor and aid in transition the safe and correct way.

I'm sure you have questions, and concerns. I'm here and will answer the best I can. I can't guarantee it won't be emotional. You are the one person I so desperately want and need support.

PS. I've broken down crying many times in writing this letter.

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 11, 2017, 09:40:28 PM
Today was a brutal emotional day.  I spent my commute, both ways  and lunch hour writing the letter for my sister.  I was nearly crying the whole time and not hiding it well.  A coworker even came in to tell me to "hang in there'.  I'm still almost crying, but I think it's a good enough draft to get opinions.  Let me know what you think?  Maybe how to change to make it better?

    Sorry you had such a rough day. Revealing ourselves to those we care about most carries with it the most pain and anxiety.

    As to your letter, I think they are both fairly perfect, except for a few grammatical errors and areas that the semantics could be improved. But if those don't bother you, keep them as is. Good Job. Stay Safe and Strong.

    PS. There is no way you're that old. You don't even look 40, let alone over it.

HUGS!

I like it.  Like JennyBear pointed out there are a few minor grammatical issues but this isn't a writing class assignment.  I wouldn't sweat that part too much.  It definitely gets your points across.

Quote from: JennyBear on October 11, 2017, 09:50:37 PM
    Sorry you had such a rough day. Revealing ourselves to those we care about most carries with it the most pain and anxiety.

    As to your letter, I think they are both fairly perfect, except for a few grammatical errors and areas that the semantics could be improved. But if those don't bother you, keep them as is. Good Job. Stay Safe and Strong.

    PS. There is no way you're that old. You don't even look 40, let alone over it.

HUGS!

Thanks for the tips.  I'll hunt those grammar and semantics problems.

Your under 40 comment gave me my only smile I've had today.  Keep in mind that's my faceapp pict from a cherry picked picture of myself.  I'm 47 and look it really.  Here's the before/after from face app.  If I end up close to my Avatar I will be a happy girl indeed.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/tt6qf6wyidzk06w/1x1208.gif?dl=0

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 11, 2017, 10:00:57 PM
Your under 40 comment gave me my only smile I've had today.  Keep in mind that's my faceapp pict from a cherry picked picture of myself.  I'm 47 and look it really.  Here's the before/after from face app.  If I end up close to my Avatar I will be a happy girl indeed.
https://www.dropbox.com/s/tt6qf6wyidzk06w/1x1208.gif?dl=0

    Saw the before and after, I still wouldn't have said any older than early 40's, maybe 42. Then again, I get told frequently there's no way I'm 37 as well. Glad I could give you a smile and some constructive criticism.

HUGS!

I'm sorry you've had a tough day,  these times are emotional,  but that is plain to read in your letter,  which is good, it's from the heart.
Being Transgender can mean alot of different things these days, I did not see in your letter if you actually state what you plan to do, ie live full time as a woman. If you don't know yet though that's fine [emoji5].
If your sister has you heart, I reckon you'll be fine. X

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Thanks Megan and Jenny, and Colleen  I'm probably going to do another draft.  I just reread it, maybe I'm desensitized now, but it reads as clinical to me.  I don't read any pain into it, and I want her to have empathy from it.  I'm probably stressing over this too much since she's my best friend and sister.

Oh, and Megan, I plan to live as Bari Jo, female.  I'll add some lines to that effect.  Even dressing in drab, I want to be perceived as female.

Looking toward a less emotional tomorrow nonetheless.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 12, 2017, 01:44:18 AM
Thanks Megan and Jenny.  I'm probably going to do another draft.  I just reread it, maybe I'm desensitized now, but it reads as clinical to me.  I don't read any pain into it, and I want her to have empathy from it.  I'm probably stressing over this too much since she's my best friend and sister.

Oh, and Megan, I plan to live as Bari Jo, female.  I'll add some lines to that effect.  Even dressing in drab, I want to be perceived as female.

Looking toward a less emotional tomorrow nonetheless.

Bari Jo

    Nothing wrong with making it more personal, if you're ok with that. Might be better served in the first letter. If you do use my analogy, it's much more effective spoken, with the appropriate pauses, than written. Good luck tomorrow and Nov 1st.

HUGS!

I'm sorry this is stressing you out so bad. From everything you've written about your sister it sounds like she will be accepting. And she might even suspect you're trans and is waiting for you to talk about it. That was the case with my dad except he got tired of waiting and outed me himself. Your sister probably knows more than you think she does. My brother wasn't even a little surprised that I'm trans.  Your sister probably won't be either. Your note is very good.  I'm wishing you good luck sweetie.
Big hugs.

Julia makes a good point.  With all of the evidence and parental interaction over this that you mentioned, I wouldn't be entirely surprised if this ended in her saying (lightheartedly) "oh, so NOW you're going to do something about that?  We've known for years"

Then again she could be equal parts oblivious and in denial like my sister was.

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 12, 2017, 01:44:18 AM
Thanks Megan and Jenny, and Colleen  I'm probably going to do another draft.  I just reread it, maybe I'm desensitized now, but it reads as clinical to me.  I don't read any pain into it, and I want her to have empathy from it.  I'm probably stressing over this too much since she's my best friend and sister.

I wouldn't worry about it sounding clinical, it didn't sound clinical to me at least. Remember too that this won't be in a void, you will be there probably loaded with visible emotion as she reads, and that will probably be more personal and empathy driving than a letter ever could be.

Thanks you have calmed my spirit.  The next couple weeks will be my sisters wedding full bore.  I'll be going in drab if you count wearing a mask and dressed in a black suit with spray painted bones on it.  It's a day of the dead wedding.  Then once she's had her honeymoon, and in my place in Nov, I'll having a coming out dessert night.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 12, 2017, 09:40:06 AM
Thanks you have calmed my spirit.  The next couple weeks will be my sisters wedding full bore.  I'll be going in drab if you count wearing a mask and dressed in a black suit with spray painted bones on it.  It's a day of the dead wedding.  Then once she's had her honeymoon, and in my place in Nov, I'll having a coming out dessert night.

Bari Jo

Maybe you could go heavy on the makeup for the celebration and skip the mask?
The dessert meal makes me laugh only because I would meet friends for a meal to come out to them,  but I'd always do it over dessert, partly out of nerves,  and party so I could still have a nice meal before it possibly got ruined (always went well though). X

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Quote from: meganjames2 on October 12, 2017, 10:06:40 AM
Maybe you could go heavy on the makeup for the celebration and skip the mask?
The dessert meal makes me laugh only because I would meet friends for a meal to come out to them,  but I'd always do it over dessert, partly out of nerves,  and party so I could still have a nice meal before it possibly got ruined (always went well though). X

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Yup, we think alike Megan for the dessert.  I've been actually looking forward to this mask.  I'm viewing it as my final mask, final facade before coming out.  I want it in the wall like a trophy with all my others.  Many people will have their face painted for the wedding.  There will be two face painters there, not me I'm doing the mask with purpose

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 12, 2017, 10:12:41 AM
... my final mask, final facade before coming out...

Bari Jo

I love that idea. X

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Quote from: Bari Jo on October 12, 2017, 10:12:41 AM
I've been actually looking forward to this mask.  I'm viewing it as my final mask, final facade before coming out.  I want it in the wall like a trophy with all my others.  Many people will have their face painted for the wedding.  There will be two face painters there, not me I'm doing the mask with purpose.

    I like this train of thought. It will serve two purposes for you. The obvious one is the symbolic mask reveal to your true self after the ceremony. The other, which combined with you going in drab, keeps the focus on your sister's special day. Though you might harbour secret Bride's Maid fantasies, in the end your sister will be grateful that you didn't add to what is already going to be a chaotic day for her.

HUGS!

My sister just bought me a doll after I said I really like it.  I hope she realizes I identify with this doll.  She will soon enough:)

https://www.dropbox.com/s/rxt15rkk9xgregi/IMG_4660_2.jpg?dl=0

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 12, 2017, 10:15:09 PM
My sister just bought me a doll after I said I really like it.  I hope she realizes I identify with this doll.  She will soon enough:)

https://www.dropbox.com/s/rxt15rkk9xgregi/IMG_4660_2.jpg?dl=0

Bari Jo

Gonna be honest, that creeps me out really bad. ;D But I'm happy you like it nonetheless!

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 12, 2017, 10:15:09 PM
My sister just bought me a doll after I said I really like it.  I hope she realizes I identify with this doll.  She will soon enough:)

    Hate to break it to you, but that's pretty much a dead giveaway that she already knows. Sort of her way of saying she loves you for you, and nothing will change that. Hopefully that takes some pressure off for Nov 1st.

HUGS!

Quote from: JennyBear on October 13, 2017, 12:33:51 AM
    Hate to break it to you, but that's pretty much a dead giveaway that she already knows. Sort of her way of saying she loves you for you, and nothing will change that. Hopefully that takes some pressure off for Nov 1st.

HUGS!

I really hope so.  I'm a bundle of nerves and will be till afterwards.

Haha very cool,  which half is you?

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Quote from: JennyBear on October 13, 2017, 12:33:51 AM
    Hate to break it to you, but that's pretty much a dead giveaway that she already knows. Sort of her way of saying she loves you for you, and nothing will change that. Hopefully that takes some pressure off for Nov 1st.

HUGS!

That's exactly what I thought when I saw the picture.  Bari Jo, your sister is probably going to say, "What took you so long?  I've known for a long time."

Ha ha, yuuup she knows or at least suspects.  This is sisterly prodding.

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 11, 2017, 09:40:28 PM
Today was a brutal emotional day.  I spent my commute, both ways  and lunch hour writing the letter for my sister.  I was nearly crying the whole time and not hiding it well.  A coworker even came in to tell me to "hang in there'.  I'm still almost crying, but I think it's a good enough draft to get opinions.  Let me know what you think?  Maybe how to change to make it better?

Bari Jo

Part 1, The Reveal
If you are reading this, then I'm probably a mess crying rather than saying what I want and need to say. I'm fairly certain you are aware of my issues personally and in relating to others in love and friendship. In short, and saying this up front before going into any of my history, I'm transgender. I've struggled with the ramifications, outcomes, problems with this for nearly 40 years. I've denied and repressed as long as I could, it's part of me. This has made me hollow and unfeeling, uncomfortable with myself, anyone I've tried to get close to, even just being in social situations and work environments. At times the disconnect that comes with this is almost debilitating. I've finally accepted what I am, and am not fighting it anymore. I've carried the weight of shame, and denial for far too long. From now on, I plan on taking steps to live as myself, as the person I've felt I am inside for as long as I can remember. On the plus side you won't have to learn a new name, or call me anything else. I'm accepting the name Mom and Dad had for me originally before I was born of "Bari Jo". This makes it easy for everybody, besides I like the name, and the history that goes with it.

I want you to know that the struggle was entirely my fault. I didn't have the tools nor maturity to deal with this issue. I know you tried to get me to open up many times. Nothing you could have said or done could have made this happen sooner or differently. I wasn't ready, I'm still not ready, but feel the need to do it finally.

I will still be the same individual you have grown up with, and learned to love despite my faults. I will still be here for you as well in the same capacity, but now also with something more and a calmness that comes with personal acceptance.

I hope you are able to accept this and me if not now, sometime soon. You are a big part of my life, and I want you to remain a big part.

Part 2, The History
I've struggled with my identity all my life, since grade school and before. I knew I was different, I knew that I didn't fit in from an early age. I had nothing but support from our family, well except Andrea. She would ask me often if I was gay. I always answered honestly, no, I'm not. In fact I'm straight, but do like men. I know I've had girlfriends, but they never lasted and it was my fault. I was always struggling with my internal demons that made me not want to be masculine. Mom and Dad had conversations with me trying to see if I would rather be a girl a few times, even offering avenues to achieve it. In my head I was always wanting to say yes, but couldn't admit it. Environmental factors were stronger than family since I was bombarded from all sides to not be different from friends, teachers, TV, you name it. The message was to fit in, and accept my assigned gender.

So the repression took hold. I became fairly good at putting up a facade. I hid behind my make believe persona, but in my head it was always the opposite. At times this facade would break down and I'd have to let Bari Jo come out if only for a tiny bit, even if this was only in very small ways. Sometimes the facade would hold for years before another breakdown would happen.

On the other hand these breakdowns sometimes were very soul crushing and life changing too. I've been broken a few times so badly that the only way out I found was to attempt transition. I did this three times on my own using herbal hormones and anti androgens before feeling fine again or scaring myself into stopping. This is the problem with Gender Dysphoria, it's mental, and also chemical/hormonal. In a transgender person, if the hormone balance is restored to what your brain needs and body craves, rather than what you can create, you feel fine. You are able to function, think clearly, feel calm, and rationalize incorrectly you don't need it anymore. I've learned the hard way that I do need it a few times. Not only do the feelings of dysphoria come back, but stronger than ever. This last time I could barely function from it.

On the plus side, I'm starting to get a handle on my Gender Dysphoria. I've been attending group therapy both online and in person for a few months now. During my last DIY transition attempt, I came to accept myself with a lot of help from a support group and in person friends I've met along the way. This led me to meet with a transgender specialist. I have been professionally diagnosed and the relief from getting this diagnosis is profound. I am now on prescription medication to monitor and aid in transition the safe and correct way.

I'm sure you have questions, and concerns. I'm here and will answer the best I can. I can't guarantee it won't be emotional. You are the one person I so desperately want and need support.

PS. I've broken down crying many times in writing this letter.

Bari Jo,
   I am a bit late to your thread, but am very happy that you are finding your path. Perhaps I am a stranger to you but I had a few thoughts for you to think about. I came out in multiple ways about two years ago. For the people I was closest to, I came out in person. This was to my sons. I am thinking that you are probably terrified to tell your sister. I was in my case. I wanted to give my kids a heads up before we talked, so I  wrote them a little note and let them read it. It really emphasized the thing you said above. "You are the one person I desperately want and need support from." I told them that we needed to sit down and talk about something very important to me. The thing is, I am terrified that it could cause me to lose you. I said that it was no longer a choice, that I had to do this. I hope you will listen and give what I say a chance. I then listed a few things that it wasn't, such as me sick or dying, going to jail, etc. I wanted them to be ready to listen and I thought it good that they worried a little but not too much. I asked that they not ask questions until we got to the place where we would talk. To me this was a way to break the ice on a momentous conversation. (You might hand such a note to her at the end of dinner with the idea of talking when you get home for example.) When I did tell them that I was trans, I set it up with history first. I wanted to give the context of where this was all coming from. Let's face it, as soon as you say, "I am trans."or "I am wrestling with gender identity issues." no one hears anything else that is said. I came out in front of 90 coworkers and many said that after I said that, they heard nothing else. One more thing, I did not hold back telling my kids how much I had tried to run from myself, how much anguish it had caused me. I wanted to let them know what the stakes were for me. I also  thought that the details of transition could come later. It was too much to tell and to soon for them to think specifics. It's funny that my son later joked that he was glad it wasn't something really weird like me changing political parties or something. They both were fine with me thankfully. I asked if I handled it okay and they said it was done very well. I have no stake in how you handle things, but I thought I would offer up my experience as a reference. I so wish you good luck. It felt wonderful to me to unload a secret I had carried for over 50 years. I hope you experience this as well.
Moni

Thank you Moni, that is very good advice.  I will incorporate it into my strategy.  I completely plan on doing this in person.  The letter is just in case I start crying, which is a very real possibility.

Your strategy of deflecting from other possible worse things is a great idea to start the conversation.  It will also delay me saying I'm transgender for a bit too.

Bari Jo

I just noticed your saying,"fear , shame you won't own me forever." I love it. You can do this.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on October 13, 2017, 06:05:03 PM
Bari Jo,
   I am a bit late to your thread, but am very happy that you are finding your path. Perhaps I am a stranger to you but I had a few thoughts for you to think about. I came out in multiple ways about two years ago. For the people I was closest to, I came out in person. This was to my sons. I am thinking that you are probably terrified to tell your sister. I was in my case. I wanted to give my kids a heads up before we talked, so I  wrote them a little note and let them read it. It really emphasized the thing you said above. "You are the one person I desperately want and need support from." I told them that we needed to sit down and talk about something very important to me. The thing is, I am terrified that it could cause me to lose you. I said that it was no longer a choice, that I had to do this. I hope you will listen and give what I say a chance. I then listed a few things that it wasn't, such as me sick or dying, going to jail, etc. I wanted them to be ready to listen and I thought it good that they worried a little but not too much. I asked that they not ask questions until we got to the place where we would talk. To me this was a way to break the ice on a momentous conversation. (You might hand such a note to her at the end of dinner with the idea of talking when you get home for example.) When I did tell them that I was trans, I set it up with history first. I wanted to give the context of where this was all coming from. Let's face it, as soon as you say, "I am trans."or "I am wrestling with gender identity issues." no one hears anything else that is said. I came out in front of 90 coworkers and many said that after I said that, they heard nothing else. One more thing, I did not hold back telling my kids how much I had tried to run from myself, how much anguish it had caused me. I wanted to let them know what the stakes were for me. I also  thought that the details of transition could come later. It was too much to tell and to soon for them to think specifics. It's funny that my son later joked that he was glad it wasn't something really weird like me changing political parties or something. They both were fine with me thankfully. I asked if I handled it okay and they said it was done very well. I have no stake in how you handle things, but I thought I would offer up my experience as a reference. I so wish you good luck. It felt wonderful to me to unload a secret I had carried for over 50 years. I hope you experience this as well.
Moni

    "Came out" to my kids last spring, as I was just starting to re-transition. Currently they're 12 (twins.) Fortunately wife had them watch the Caitlyn Jenner thing a few weeks prior, so they already had a (very) general idea what being transwoman is. After a decently gourmet homemade dinner (Chicken Spinach Alfredo over Veggie Rotini,) and the dishes were cleared away, we all gathered back around the table with us both saying we have something very important to talk to you two about. We told them it wasn't necessarily anything bad, like divorce, or losing our apartment or anything (we struggle paycheck to paycheck,) to alleviate their fears first. Then we led in with hints and clues to get them thinking about the issue, like peculiarities about my personality, how my wife is the more dominant one in our relationship, and reminding them of the Caitlyn Jenner thing. It clicked and my daughter figured it out. Had to give my son the answer to the riddle, lol. I then tearfully told them about what life for me had been like, including that analogy I told you about. (Daughter understood instantly, love her to death.) I then showed them a pic of me from 11 years prior, during my first attempt at transition, asked them what they thought, and explained why we stopped and waited so long, which was mostly for their sakes. We let them ask questions, nothing was off limits. They asked about GRS, so we told them the basics of what happens. Naturally daughter was wowed and son instantly moved to cover his groin. Once they ran out of curiosities we asked each how they felt about it, letting them know that any response, including a negative one was ok, as long as it was the truth. Daughter replied first, saying she thinks its kinda cool, and that if nothing else there will be one more member of the family on "team girl," then turned to her brother and said "sorry, you're kinda outnumbered now." He just laughed and said ok, then said that it doesn't bother him, whatever makes us happy. They asked how they should refer to me. We went with practicality and safety first. We said to make things easier on them they could either call me Jenny or mommy Jenny to avoid confusion, but that until I was full time again, we had to go with daddy outside the house for safety. (We live in a bad neighborhood.) We had them just basically go by how I was dressed, male reference in drab, and vice versa.

    Initially things were kinda awkward between us, especially when it came to hugs. Our daughter adjusted first, son came around later, but then pubescent boys often start to avoid mom hugs. No issues with affection now, I'm happy to report.

    In May I received the first gift that actually made me cry, and cry hard. Without suggestion or provocation on May 14th my daughter came up to me and said Happy Mother's day, and gave me the biggest hug. Her brother followed suit. Now that I'm basically full time, and there are no more "daddy" references, things between the four of us are pretty good. Heck, even though he doesn't really care for it as it's kinda the opposite of dinosaurs and cars, my son will occasionally watch My Little Pony with me to spend time together. Going together with my daughter to the mall and salon on a "Mother Daughter Day," was glorious. We both got highlights and trims, she got her first professional bra fitting at Victoria's Secret, got her ears pierced at Claires, and then we power shopped. ;) As I'm currently in the stay at home mom and housewife role (which I love,) it's helped to normalize the transition for them. They get to see the real me. They love the fact that I'm happier and less short tempered, and have affirmed that if it was their decision, they'd rather have this me than the old grumpy one.

    I had spent close to 12 years agonizing about how they'd take it, whether it would put up walls, and whether it would affect them negatively growing up. We've had them talk to a therapist twice now, once last June, and again last month, to make sure there aren't any issues that they are too apprehensive to tell us. No problems there either. Now to them, we're just a happy family and they have two Mom's, one of whom has led a rather unique life. In short, family members that truly love and care for you, will often surprise you at just how supportive they are and how truly unconditional love can be. All those years of agony and anxiety, and it ended up being no big deal. Bari Jo, I hope your reveal with your sister, and your relationship afterwords goes just as successfully. I'm here if you need me.

HUGS!

Okay, now I'm just mad.  Here I am losing weight, been on HRT for three months, and growing out my hair.  I meet my sister and dad for dinner, and they comment on my weight loss, and how my face is thinner, even noticing I'm growing out my hair.  This is all good and planting seeds to coming out.  Then my sister says I need to change my hairstyle since I look like Javier bardem in No Country For Old Men.  Might as well say I look like Danny de Vito or something.  That has got to be the most unflattering comment ever.  I didn't cry, but I was plenty mad.  Now I don't even want to open up to her.

Barry Jo aka Anger Ball

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 16, 2017, 11:52:47 PM
Okay, now I'm just mad.  Here I am losing weight, been on HRT for three months, and growing out my hair.  I meet my sister and dad for dinner, and they comment on my weight loss, and how my face is thinner, even noticing I'm growing out my hair.  This is all good and planting seeds to coming out.  Then my sister says I need to change my hairstyle since I look like Javier bardem in No Country For Old Men.  Might as well say I look like Danny de Vito or something.  That has got to be the most unflattering comment ever.  I didn't cry, but I was plenty mad.  Now I don't even want to open up to her.

Barry Jo aka Anger Ball

    Slow down girl. While I'm not gonna argue the fact that her comment could have been worded better, maybe it was her way of saying you could do with a more obviously feminine hairstyle. But as I'm getting you're not out to the rents yet either, she had to do it in code. Could always call her and at some point in the convo ask her what she meant by it. Of course you can't tell her why it bothered you without letting the cat out of the bag. It could have also been another instance of well intentioned ribbing to prod you in the direction of telling her point blank. She wouldn't intentionally wanted to hurt you like that and yet have bought you the doll. You are gonna want her to give you the benefit of the doubt here in a couple weeks, so she deserves the same. Stay Safe and Good Luck.

HUGS!

No, I'm not out to the parents.  I really only wanted the support of my sister.  Although my parents support will probably be a given, it didn't mean as much to me.  Maybe by your logic, I should ask for hairstyle suggestions in a couple weeks, give examples and slip in my face app avatar.  Maybe that's a way to go.  Still though kinda seething.  It didn't seem constructive, but then I've felt vulnerable for over a week now.  Most comments feel negative to me ATM.

Bari Jo

The comments are being given out of context, expectations for presentation are way different between the binary genders, try to cut her some slack. When you come out to her, if you remind her what she said, I'm sure she'll feel very bad for saying it. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 17, 2017, 12:17:10 AM
No, I'm not out to the parents.  I really only wanted the support of my sister.  Although my parents support will probably be a given, it didn't mean as much to me.  Maybe by your logic, I should ask for hairstyle suggestions in a couple weeks, give examples and slip in my face app avatar.  Maybe that's a way to go.  Still though kinda seething.  It didn't seem constructive, but then I've felt vulnerable for over a week now.  Most comments feel negative to me ATM.

Bari Jo

   Then that's definitely something to keep in mind with the person whose opinion and support you care about most. You have every right to feel hurt and be "Seething," after all I agreed that the remark was worded insensitively. Until you tell her your whole truth, she may not understand just why that comment came across as it did. Who knows? She may have thought about it later and is currently beating herself up with guilt over it. As to what you both feel comfortable about discussing after the big reveal, I'm not even gonna try and predict. I'd just play it by ear at that point. She might bring up fashion and beauty, the current political landscape, your immediate and long term plans for the future, rehash your shared past, or even ask whether you like boys, girls, or both, and then dish on celebs of the ones you say until you both end up in a giggle fest over hot cocoa or tea. Just remember, we all say things that come out wrong sometimes, and we don't always notice it or its effects. I really feel for the current time frame you have to wait and agonize details and "what ifs" until the reveal actually happens. I've got something similar in topic and magnitude occurring on the 27th of this month. I'm at once increasingly excited, anxious, scared s#!tless, and emotional to full on crying jags about it. I'm just lucky that I have people around me to get me through it. Hopefully in two weeks you will too.

HUGS!

This is so very hard and emotionally taxing.  As you can see by the time I'm typing this I'm losing sleep over it too.  I believe you all are right.  She is treating me as binary, even if she's had suspicions.  Ill still come out and tell her the whole of it.  I'm hoping by then I won't be seething and feel I have a chip on my shoulder while doing it.

Bari Jo

Can I just mention one tiny detail about your sisters response and your expectations?

You have known you are female for quite some time. She doesn't know yet.

She is not going to respond to her sister in a feminine manner until she has met her.

My sister was also 2 years older than I. She was the same. Once I came out it was all done within a heart beat or a FaceBook post (whatever) :laugh:
But until I came out to her I was her little brother.

Thanks Cindy, yes we are coming at this from two different understandings.  I need to keep that in mind during my roller coaster of experiences.  That does take some of the edge off.  now hopefully sleep.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 17, 2017, 04:30:40 AMThanks Cindy, yes we are coming at this from two different understandings.  I need to keep that in mind during my roller coaster of experiences.  That does take some of the edge off.  now hopefully sleep.

Bari Jo,

Please stop beating yourself (and your sister) up. It's not as bad as you think. I'll bet you coffee and a donut that things will flip-flop in an instant when you tell her. Right now, even if she has suspicions, you're her brother, with all of the societal assumptions that carries. When you tell her, you will instantly be her sister, and those assumptions will completely change.

I came out to my mom and sister back in August and hit the same kind of thing. I posted this story back then in another thread, so I'll summarize it here: I flew 1200 miles for my mom's surprise 80th birthday party (yeah, I'm old). My sister is 11 months younger than me, and during the planning for the party she consistently referred to me as "big brother." My wife and I stayed at her house so mom wouldn't know we'd be there. The day after the party I'd be telling her and my sister about my transition.

I realized how strong the assumptions about her "brother" were when we found out that I'd forgotten my toothbrush. She went through her collection, and insisted that I needed the blue one, not the pink one, because it was a "boy brush." This is just what you went through with the hair comment. I was already nervous, and this sent my anxiety through the roof.

Two days later we took mom and sis to a park in my old home town and I broke the news. I was shaking and crying and way over-explaining everything when suddenly my sister grabbed me in a huge hug and said in my ear, "I always wanted a sister!" (Mom was really cool, too.)

I told her later that I'd planned to have my bags packed so we could get out of her house fast if needed. She was insulted that I had felt that way. The coolest thing, though, happened when we got back to her house. When my mom got remarried after my dad died long ago, she gave her original wedding ring to my sister, who'd intended to give it to her daughter (my niece). She called me into her room and gave it to me, saying that maybe her new sister might want it instead.

We were never particularly close in the past. Growing up we'd fight like cats and dogs, and we don't have many interests in common. It sounds like you and your sister are already much closer than we were. But the ties are so much stronger for my sister and I now. She gives me advice on clothes and makeup, and even sent this in an email about a month later:

QuoteIt will be a hard habit to break, but I hope it's ok if I start thinking about you as my sister and "her" and "she".

Seriously, is it ok? Happy happy!

I think this is what you have to look forward to, Bari Jo. Another hint: at the wedding, let your new happiness of transitioning show through. Smile as much as you want to, allow your loving nature to be seen. People will notice this new shine, and when you tell your sister you can refer to it, and let her know that your transitioning is the reason for your joy. Believe me, knowing you are happy will make her happy, too.

You'll be fine.

Stephanie

If anyone else had said that to you I would understand your being offended but since it's your sister who said it I wouldn't take it seriously. I doubt she really meant it. Brothers and sisters say all kinds of dumb crap to each other that they don't mean. I tell my brother he's ugly enough to make an onion cry. He tells me I'm ugly enough to sour milk if I look directly at it. I know what your sister said upset you but you're not out to her yet. Comparing you to any male hurts your feelings I know, but she didn't mean it like that. If she knew you were trans then it would have been a huge insult but she doesn't know yet. Because she doesn't know her comment was probably her way of saying you need a haircut. I'm sorry her comment hurt you so much but I totally don't think she intended it to hurt you.

I hope you are both right.  I'll try to stop my anxiety about this and just live till I come out to her.  I like the idea of letting my happiness shine through at the wedding.  I'll see if I can do that!

Bari Jo

Yeah, I second the sibling relationship thing may lead her to say things that might seem insensitive when they aren't meant to be. I sort of do it to my sister all the time. ;D And in turn, she has said a few things that, not knowing my situation, have definitely hit me a little harder than they should, but she meant nothing bad by those things. With siblings in particular there is just an extra layer of filtering missing I think.

Today my sister worked in my gallery doing renovations for me while I was at the day job.  Maybe she felt bad, I don't know, still the anger is lessening.  I can't wait to finally come out to her and just get this episode of the journey over with.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 17, 2017, 11:43:19 PM
Today my sister worked in my gallery doing renovations for me while I was at the day job.  Maybe she felt bad, I don't know, still the anger is lessening.  I can't wait to finally come out to her and just get this episode of the journey over with.

Bari Jo

    Anything new on that front for an update?

HUGS!

There's been a little.  I've rewritten the letter a number of times.  I'm over crying I think.

She had her wedding on Saturday night.  I walked her down the aisle and was the ring bearer.  I've been trying to drop hints.  For instance in a picture from the wedding I commented that it always looks like I'm wearing mascara, I should just start doing it.  It was a day of the dead wedding too, and I had my face painted just like the doll she gave me.  I know I said I'd wear a mask, but everybody in the wedding party already had their face painted, so had to fit in.  I did not get my hair cut for the wedding Even though she wanted me to, based on her old comment about my hair.  I told her I'm growing it out and wearing a hat anyway at the wedding.  I've not had longer hair in decades.

Based on another lady's comment here, I told her I was doing smile exercises since I've been having trouble smiling.  Makes her wonder why I'm sure.

I've told her and my parents I'm in process of having my beard removed.  I was asked if it's painful, and how long it'll take, that's about it.

One night I forgo a dinner with the family to have one with two of my electrologists.  I have 3, btw.  For some reason I've hit it off with mine and we do things socially.  They don't hang out with their other clients.  The family didnt question it.

She's not having her stuff moved in till the 4th now, and I leave overseas on the 4th for two weeks, so I might have to wait till I get back.

I think that's about it.  I'd really like to do this before my trip, but she will be living with me all Nov, so I will have opportunities after if need be.

Bari Jo