Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: AnnMarie2017 on October 12, 2017, 04:17:03 AM Return to Full Version
Title: I realize that this is a little weird for an introduction ...
Post by: AnnMarie2017 on October 12, 2017, 04:17:03 AM
Post by: AnnMarie2017 on October 12, 2017, 04:17:03 AM
... but I realized something tonight and I've just got to tell someone.
I've had an account here for a while, but until now haven't posted. I've looked around some, and it seems like a gentle place. I like that, a lot.
I'll post more about myself in the future. Right now, I'm at work and things are about to get busy. But this couldn't wait. :)
I came out to myself about six months ago at the age of 59. I don't know if you'd call me one of the lucky ones, in that I never experienced gender dysphoria *as* gender dysphoria. In my case, it masqueraded as something else. Since coming out, I *have* experienced it as such, once the way some of you girls have had to live with it. OMG, it was terrifying. At any rate, I never made the connection. I've lived my entire life functioning at a level far below my innate capacity. I always put this down to low self-esteem; but I was wrong. Realizing that I'm a woman was like turning on a light switch I never knew was there. I'm alive.
I've looked back, trying to spot indications in my childhood, without much success. I grew up in an abusive household; my childhood was hell, and I don't remember it well. However, I thought of something tonight that suddenly made sense; and that's what I had to post. I have to tell someone.
When I was 12, I thought I was going crazy, and I was terrified. I couldn't be more specific; there wasn't any reason at the time. That was just the way I felt and how I expressed it. My parents used to have terrible arguments, and I've always theorized that this feeling had come from internalizing their conflict, probably because I remember feeling it when I would hear them arguing. This made some sense to me. But why did it happen at that time? My parents had never gotten along.
I didn't think even this far at the time. I just told them in a panic that I thought was going crazy. As educated people, they did what educated people do: they sent me to a child psychiatrist. I spent the summer seeing him once a week; and that was that. I don't remember the experience, or how my panic was ameliorated.
It hit me tonight. Puberty. Testosterone. My body was flooding my brain with a hostile hormone, and I was experiencing disorientation -- dysphoria -- on an unprecedented scale. I just never connected it with gender.
Wow. "Sokath, his eyes open."
I've had an account here for a while, but until now haven't posted. I've looked around some, and it seems like a gentle place. I like that, a lot.
I'll post more about myself in the future. Right now, I'm at work and things are about to get busy. But this couldn't wait. :)
I came out to myself about six months ago at the age of 59. I don't know if you'd call me one of the lucky ones, in that I never experienced gender dysphoria *as* gender dysphoria. In my case, it masqueraded as something else. Since coming out, I *have* experienced it as such, once the way some of you girls have had to live with it. OMG, it was terrifying. At any rate, I never made the connection. I've lived my entire life functioning at a level far below my innate capacity. I always put this down to low self-esteem; but I was wrong. Realizing that I'm a woman was like turning on a light switch I never knew was there. I'm alive.
I've looked back, trying to spot indications in my childhood, without much success. I grew up in an abusive household; my childhood was hell, and I don't remember it well. However, I thought of something tonight that suddenly made sense; and that's what I had to post. I have to tell someone.
When I was 12, I thought I was going crazy, and I was terrified. I couldn't be more specific; there wasn't any reason at the time. That was just the way I felt and how I expressed it. My parents used to have terrible arguments, and I've always theorized that this feeling had come from internalizing their conflict, probably because I remember feeling it when I would hear them arguing. This made some sense to me. But why did it happen at that time? My parents had never gotten along.
I didn't think even this far at the time. I just told them in a panic that I thought was going crazy. As educated people, they did what educated people do: they sent me to a child psychiatrist. I spent the summer seeing him once a week; and that was that. I don't remember the experience, or how my panic was ameliorated.
It hit me tonight. Puberty. Testosterone. My body was flooding my brain with a hostile hormone, and I was experiencing disorientation -- dysphoria -- on an unprecedented scale. I just never connected it with gender.
Wow. "Sokath, his eyes open."
Title: Re: I realize that this is a little weird for an introduction ...
Post by: Kendra on October 12, 2017, 08:45:54 AM
Post by: Kendra on October 12, 2017, 08:45:54 AM
Hello AnnMarie, welcome to Susan's!
I don't think your introduction is weird at all. I am MtF and my life started heading upside down around the same time you describe. I remember distinctly the distress I experienced when my voice dropped and I never liked where my hair started to grow at that age. The timing of that coincided with many problems I ran into - some of which I contributed to but didn't know at the time.
I tried my best to move past all that but I think burying the disconnect between my mind and body contributed to other issues I had to tackle in the next few decades - alcoholism, weight gain, cold relationships. I solved those independently but it would have been easier had I known what I do today. My transition has been very positive so far - and I think one reason is I know the pain of where I used to be.
Susan's Place has unique characteristics and requirements, so we provide additional information to new members. I'll add it here for you.
A Cautionary Note:
This is a public forum so please remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there may retain information that you post.
We cannot ensure that any information you share on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction. This warning is also listed in the Terms of Service listed below.
If you give out personal information on Susan's you are responsible for any consequence.,kn
I also want to share some links with you. They include helpful information and the rules that govern the site. It is important for your enjoyment of the site to take a moment to go through them
AnnMarie, really great to see you here. Thank you for introducting yourself, and looking forward to seeing you around the neighborhood.
Kendra
I don't think your introduction is weird at all. I am MtF and my life started heading upside down around the same time you describe. I remember distinctly the distress I experienced when my voice dropped and I never liked where my hair started to grow at that age. The timing of that coincided with many problems I ran into - some of which I contributed to but didn't know at the time.
I tried my best to move past all that but I think burying the disconnect between my mind and body contributed to other issues I had to tackle in the next few decades - alcoholism, weight gain, cold relationships. I solved those independently but it would have been easier had I known what I do today. My transition has been very positive so far - and I think one reason is I know the pain of where I used to be.
Susan's Place has unique characteristics and requirements, so we provide additional information to new members. I'll add it here for you.
A Cautionary Note:
This is a public forum so please remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there may retain information that you post.
We cannot ensure that any information you share on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction. This warning is also listed in the Terms of Service listed below.
If you give out personal information on Susan's you are responsible for any consequence.,kn
I also want to share some links with you. They include helpful information and the rules that govern the site. It is important for your enjoyment of the site to take a moment to go through them
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
AnnMarie, really great to see you here. Thank you for introducting yourself, and looking forward to seeing you around the neighborhood.
Kendra
Title: Re: I realize that this is a little weird for an introduction ...
Post by: Bari Jo on October 12, 2017, 10:03:32 AM
Post by: Bari Jo on October 12, 2017, 10:03:32 AM
Welcome Anne Marie, love the name. I think you'll find many have similar experiences. Susan's is a great resource. I've been able to explore my own psyche and come to terms with a lot of my issues from reading posts and interaction with members. Everybody here is so nice and non judgemental. I'm sure you will enjoy it here as I have.
Bari Jo
Bari Jo
Title: Re: I realize that this is a little weird for an introduction ...
Post by: Roll on October 12, 2017, 12:48:20 PM
Post by: Roll on October 12, 2017, 12:48:20 PM
Pfft, that wasn't weird, I'll show you weird! ... (*speaks to someone in background*) Whats that, I shouldn't show her weird? Fine, stupid censors. ... though I guess that exchange with my imaginary stage director was weird in and of itself. ... Annnnnnnnywhooooooooooooo....
Hiya Ann!
I'm like you in that my dysphoria for the most part expressed itself in other ways than what we often assume is typical (in my case, primarily in a fun little thing called agoraphobia), only to find that once I acknowledged it I started developing the more stereotypical form that others have professed since an early age. Unfortunately, I don't think any of us are really lucky no matter how it manifests. I know the way I dealt with it pushed everything so deep that I wonder if I had that more traditional style of dysphoria from the start if perhaps I could have acted sooner and began to transition twenty years ago, instead of spending those years in self imposed isolation. It's a grass is greener scenario though, and I'm guessing varies person by person which expression of dysphoria would be preferable. I also know that I can relate with the puberty issues, even if I didn't realize it at the time I am now admitting to myself that a large reason I began to withdraw during the height of puberty is that I was becoming increasingly unhappy with what was happening to my body through my teenage years. Which I think was not coincidental that height of puberty lined up so neatly with my progressively downward spiral into anxiety. But whatever journey we took to get here, the important part is that we are here now! And this forum is a huge boon to making it day to day while staying sane! (In my case, relatively sane. Because yeah. I'm just weird.)
Hiya Ann!
I'm like you in that my dysphoria for the most part expressed itself in other ways than what we often assume is typical (in my case, primarily in a fun little thing called agoraphobia), only to find that once I acknowledged it I started developing the more stereotypical form that others have professed since an early age. Unfortunately, I don't think any of us are really lucky no matter how it manifests. I know the way I dealt with it pushed everything so deep that I wonder if I had that more traditional style of dysphoria from the start if perhaps I could have acted sooner and began to transition twenty years ago, instead of spending those years in self imposed isolation. It's a grass is greener scenario though, and I'm guessing varies person by person which expression of dysphoria would be preferable. I also know that I can relate with the puberty issues, even if I didn't realize it at the time I am now admitting to myself that a large reason I began to withdraw during the height of puberty is that I was becoming increasingly unhappy with what was happening to my body through my teenage years. Which I think was not coincidental that height of puberty lined up so neatly with my progressively downward spiral into anxiety. But whatever journey we took to get here, the important part is that we are here now! And this forum is a huge boon to making it day to day while staying sane! (In my case, relatively sane. Because yeah. I'm just weird.)
Title: Re: I realize that this is a little weird for an introduction ...
Post by: Devlyn on October 12, 2017, 01:01:02 PM
Post by: Devlyn on October 12, 2017, 01:01:02 PM
Hi AnnMarie, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm not seeing anything weird here, either...wait, I've just been handed something...<reading>...OK, apparently Roll's post IS weird! :laugh:
You sound like you're going to fit right in. Get busy making friends and I'll see you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
You sound like you're going to fit right in. Get busy making friends and I'll see you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: I realize that this is a little weird for an introduction ...
Post by: Laurie on October 12, 2017, 06:02:35 PM
Post by: Laurie on October 12, 2017, 06:02:35 PM
Hi Ann
"Darmok and Jalad on the ocean"
I'm Laurie and welcome to Susan's Place The door is open so come on in and join with us in our journeys to find ourselves.
Hugs,
Laurie
"Darmok and Jalad on the ocean"
I'm Laurie and welcome to Susan's Place The door is open so come on in and join with us in our journeys to find ourselves.
Hugs,
Laurie
Title: Re: I realize that this is a little weird for an introduction ...
Post by: AnnMarie2017 on October 13, 2017, 01:06:07 AM
Post by: AnnMarie2017 on October 13, 2017, 01:06:07 AM
Thanks to everyone for your welcome and kind words. And thanks awfully for the links, Kendra, and for the warning about the internet. Everyone seems so nice here. :)
Title: Re: I realize that this is a little weird for an introduction ...
Post by: V M on October 13, 2017, 01:48:30 PM
Post by: V M on October 13, 2017, 01:48:30 PM
Hi AnneMarie :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: I realize that this is a little weird for an introduction ...
Post by: Izzy Grace on October 13, 2017, 03:31:51 PM
Post by: Izzy Grace on October 13, 2017, 03:31:51 PM
Quote from: Roll on October 12, 2017, 12:48:20 PM
Pfft, that wasn't weird, I'll show you weird! ... (*speaks to someone in background*) Whats that, I shouldn't show her weird? Fine, stupid censors. ... though I guess that exchange with my imaginary stage director was weird in and of itself. ... Annnnnnnnywhooooooooooooo....
Roll, your always suck a kick! I love it! :icon_joy:
Quote from: Roll on October 12, 2017, 12:48:20 PM
...only to find that once I acknowledged it I started developing the more stereotypical form that others have professed since an early age.
Ditto!
AnneMarie, every time I think something is weird, so many people here show me how relatable our experiences are! Youre in good company now!