Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi to the newer members or infrequent posters on Susan's. I am curious about those folks who come here seeking information or help, but might be scared about posting. I am wondering if it is intimidating. Is there fear of not being taken seriously? Personally, I enjoy seeing those would might start out scared, post, and then grow in confidence. So maybe I could offer a preemptive welcome and possibly coax someone out of the shadows to help inform this old fogey poster. I promise not to act like a transgender vampire and try to bite you. :)
Moni

I was definitely scared when posting in the beginning.  I hadn't talked to anybody about this stuff.  Once I did a few, the fear evaporated and I learned how special this site is.  You ladies are jewels:)

I think making an account and talking about it, even to a a group of strangers that can't see your face, makes it more real. If people are having doubts about their gender identity but are still on denial that can be hard.

I'm pretty sure that in the past years I made at least 2 attempts to be on the forum. I would create an account, then post and then delete it and completely forget about it. All of this at the same time as trying to forget the whole trans thing in real life.

We have doughnuts!  ;D

Hugs, Devlyn

Ok hi. I'm new here. I've struggled with this my whole life. I'm 40 in a relationship with someone who I told when I first met a year and a half ago I was a cross dresser she asked if I'd ever transition I lied out of fear and said no. Well fast forward to two weeks ago I was honest and told her I always wanted to be a woman but being a Christian I always felt ashamed of my secret life. She was devastated threatened suicide. Well she checked into a emotional support facility. Since then I explained to my whole family mom Dad stepmother stepfather and sisters why she went in because of who I really am. Im trying to be wise and seek a gender therapist and not let my work know yet. I don't know how this will all turn out but I'm glad I'm being honest and not in denial anymore.


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Quote from: sweetjohnnylat on October 12, 2017, 08:50:52 PM
Ok hi. I'm new here. I've struggled with this my whole life. I'm 40 in a relationship with someone who I told when I first met a year and a half ago I was a cross dresser she asked if I'd ever transition I lied out of fear and said no. Well fast forward to two weeks ago I was honest and told her I always wanted to be a woman but being a Christian I always felt ashamed of my secret life. She was devastated threatened suicide. Well she checked into a emotional support facility. Since then I explained to my whole family mom Dad stepmother stepfather and sisters why she went in because of who I really am. Im trying to be wise and seek a gender therapist and not let my work know yet. I don't know how this will all turn out but I'm glad I'm being honest and not in denial anymore.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi sweetjohnnylat

Welcome to Susan's I am glad that you found the courage to post.

Telling your wife must have been a very difficult thing for you to do. Her reaction must be making things very stressful for you and I hope you have found someone you can talk to about this stuff. Lets hope with some time and understanding. I think your idea to seek a gender therapist is an excellent one. Many of our newer members introduce themselves in our Introduction Forum.  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) Feel free to drop by.

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I'm newish and lurked a long time before posting.

Mainly because Susan's has an older crowd than most of the local LGBT organizations and other websites I'm involved with. And this means the terminology that gets used here is pretty different than what I'm used to. I didn't want to unintentionally offend anyone by screwing my wording up.

Quote from: widdershins on October 12, 2017, 09:11:10 PM
I'm newish and lurked a long time before posting.

Mainly because Susan's has an older crowd than most of the local LGBT organizations and other websites I'm involved with. And this means the terminology that gets used here is pretty different than what I'm used to. I didn't want to unintentionally offend anyone by screwing my wording up.

Actually, there is quite a number of young members here. For that reason, I do my best to avoid making any remarks aimed at millenials. I'm pretty sure the young members try to avoid insulting the older members here as well. We can help each their out much better, that way.

Quote from: widdershins on October 12, 2017, 09:11:10 PM
I'm newish and lurked a long time before posting.

Mainly because Susan's has an older crowd than most of the local LGBT organizations and other websites I'm involved with. And this means the terminology that gets used here is pretty different than what I'm used to. I didn't want to unintentionally offend anyone by screwing my wording up.

What other website or forum about trans issues do you go to? Out of curiosity since I only know Susan's.

As a SO I don't post very often as I feel that unless I am 100% supportive of my partner transitioning, I'm seen as the 'enemy' somewhat. I do read every day, to try and find out stuff, but I find a lot of things extremely frightening. I think a lot of members here are not very supportive of SOs, it seems we just have to accept that our lives are going to be turned upside down, so our partners can be 'authentic', never mind that we are generally being forced to either divorce, or live 'non-authentic' (being a lesbian lover to a mtf  isn't authentic to me). Seems there are no winners here.
There are times I want to post to ask questions about things like hormone treatment, sex, kids etc but maybe I am scared that the replies will be what I don't want to hear.
So, that is why I'm afraid to post here. It's not really the right forum for me, although, as I said, I learn a lot from reading.

Quote from: sweetjohnnylat on October 12, 2017, 08:50:52 PM
Ok hi. I'm new here. I've struggled with this my whole life. I'm 40 in a relationship with someone who I told when I first met a year and a half ago I was a cross dresser she asked if I'd ever transition I lied out of fear and said no. Well fast forward to two weeks ago I was honest and told her I always wanted to be a woman but being a Christian I always felt ashamed of my secret life. She was devastated threatened suicide. Well she checked into a emotional support facility. Since then I explained to my whole family mom Dad stepmother stepfather and sisters why she went in because of who I really am. Im trying to be wise and seek a gender therapist and not let my work know yet. I don't know how this will all turn out but I'm glad I'm being honest and not in denial anymore.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you for opening up. I have talked to a few on here whose religion was something they had a struggle with. Well, how being on the transgender spectrum fit in with their religion that is. I hope you will stay around and add your wisdom to the group. I wish you luck with your personal journey as well.
Moni :)

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 04:02:17 AM
As a SO I don't post very often as I feel that unless I am 100% supportive of my partner transitioning, I'm seen as the 'enemy' somewhat. I do read every day, to try and find out stuff, but I find a lot of things extremely frightening. I think a lot of members here are not very supportive of SOs, it seems we just have to accept that our lives are going to be turned upside down, so our partners can be 'authentic', never mind that we are generally being forced to either divorce, or live 'non-authentic' (being a lesbian lover to a mtf  isn't authentic to me). Seems there are no winners here.
There are times I want to post to ask questions about things like hormone treatment, sex, kids etc but maybe I am scared that the replies will be what I don't want to hear.
So, that is why I'm afraid to post here. It's not really the right forum for me, although, as I said, I learn a lot from reading.

Hi Sylvia,

Thank you for taking the time to try and learn more about what your partner is going through. And I'm really sorry if you have gotten the impression that people here are not supportive of SOs; I think a lot of times most of us put others' needs before ours ("I'm not transitioning because of my family/work/friends etc") so by the time we are just so tired of pretending and/or dealing with the dysphoria, we just need to do it and deal with the consequences. So I think this is where the attitude of some of the transitioners come from regarding their partner, it's not about not being supportive of the other, it's about finally being able to put one's needs first. Most of the times we have also dealt with the dysphoria for years, even decades, so I understand why it can be hard for an SO to understand when this is something that just fell in their lap and they didn't get the same time to process it as we did.

It's a tough situation and I don't think anyone involved wanted it happening...Certainly most of us would prefer to be cisgender and not having to deal with this, as well as not putting anyone around us through this.

In any case, I hope things work out between you and your partner. I've certainly seen many people here say they continued with their partner after transition, so if there's love and respect, it can happen. And even if you don't post often, I hope to see you around.

Hugs!

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 04:02:17 AM
As a SO I don't post very often as I feel that unless I am 100% supportive of my partner transitioning, I'm seen as the 'enemy' somewhat. I do read every day, to try and find out stuff, but I find a lot of things extremely frightening. I think a lot of members here are not very supportive of SOs, it seems we just have to accept that our lives are going to be turned upside down, so our partners can be 'authentic', never mind that we are generally being forced to either divorce, or live 'non-authentic' (being a lesbian lover to a mtf  isn't authentic to me). Seems there are no winners here.
There are times I want to post to ask questions about things like hormone treatment, sex, kids etc but maybe I am scared that the replies will be what I don't want to hear.
So, that is why I'm afraid to post here. It's not really the right forum for me, although, as I said, I learn a lot from reading.

Hi Sylvia, welcome.  Ive often wondered if any significant others are on the boards.  I commend you for reading and learning.  Believe me it's frightening for us non attached tg ladies too.  I hope to see posts from you as your insight could be valuable.

I am newish and young; I feel comfortable sharing though, it is just that there is so much information here to learn and digest so I am trying to read more than post at this stage..
Also have this question about "what other website or forum about trans issues do you go to? Out of curiosity since I only know Susan's."
Also - out of curiosity

Quote from: HappyMoni on October 12, 2017, 07:38:57 PM
Hi to the newer members or infrequent posters on Susan's. I am curious about those folks who come here seeking information or help, but might be scared about posting. I am wondering if it is intimidating. Is there fear of not being taken seriously? Personally, I enjoy seeing those would might start out scared, post, and then grow in confidence. So maybe I could offer a preemptive welcome and possibly coax someone out of the shadows to help inform this old fogey poster. I promise not to act like a transgender vampire and try to bite you. :)
Moni

I don't think it's the site that's intimidating but the more abstract concept of accepting that one is TG.  Many of us have been in denial, possibly as in my case believing that we had a 'dirty little secret' and it's a big step to decide to confront it rather than push it to the back of one's mind.  In addition, of course, there's still a strong element of suspicion, particularly amongst older people (i.e. the over 40s or thereabouts), that we can be traced from our posts, either through some dark virus lurking on our PCs or by friends or family members coming across our posts and realising that 'Davinia' who's always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body and is one step away from transition is, in fact, Dave, their manly husband and father (this, of course, begs the question as to what the friend/family member is doing on TG forums but let's not intrude!).  I would also add the guilty feelings that one is betraying their SO by posting on the site in secret and behind their back.  I have gone through all of these emotions and it was only when things got too much that I started posting.

I have to say that, since reaching out to others in this community, I have gained a far greater understanding of myself and the causes of my feelings for which I will be eternally grateful.  In addition, I have learned that the feelings I struggle with to a greater or lesser degree on a daily basis, whilst not being 'normal' in a general sense, are completely normal as far as this community is concerned and knowing that others have similar struggles has been a great help in managing my own life.

My message to anyone wondering whether to post is to do it - you can be as anonymous as you want and there are any number of people here more than willing to help you.

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 04:02:17 AM
As a SO I don't post very often as I feel that unless I am 100% supportive of my partner transitioning, I'm seen as the 'enemy' somewhat. I do read every day, to try and find out stuff, but I find a lot of things extremely frightening. I think a lot of members here are not very supportive of SOs, it seems we just have to accept that our lives are going to be turned upside down, so our partners can be 'authentic', never mind that we are generally being forced to either divorce, or live 'non-authentic' (being a lesbian lover to a mtf  isn't authentic to me). Seems there are no winners here.
There are times I want to post to ask questions about things like hormone treatment, sex, kids etc but maybe I am scared that the replies will be what I don't want to hear.
So, that is why I'm afraid to post here. It's not really the right forum for me, although, as I said, I learn a lot from reading.

Sylvia, I think your point is very well made.  I've also noticed that when wives come onto this site to ask for help coping with their husband's revelation that they want to transition, there is a tendency for the respondent to refer to the husband as 'she' - 'politically correct', of course but it's hardly going to help the poor wife who is already emotionally falling apart.

In the end, whether we like it or not, those of us who are married have presented ourselves in a certain way to our spouses and, whilst on the one hand, we have every right to live our life as we want, on the other it is unfair to expect our SOs to fall in line with this and say nothing.  For me, the reaction of my spouse when I confessed to crossdressing in secret after over 20 years of marriage has played a big part in me deciding to live with, and try to cope with, the GD rather than taking experimental steps to transition.

Ultimately, I believe that this community has so much to offer the entire TG community especially including SOs but it's important for us to remember that the right answer for ourself isn't necessary the right answer for someone else.

Quote from: aaajjj55 on October 13, 2017, 05:28:22 AM
I don't think it's the site that's intimidating but the more abstract concept of accepting that one is TG.  Many of us have been in denial, possibly as in my case believing that we had a 'dirty little secret' and it's a big step to decide to confront it rather than push it to the back of one's mind.  In addition, of course, there's still a strong element of suspicion, particularly amongst older people (i.e. the over 40s or thereabouts), that we can be traced from our posts, either through some dark virus lurking on our PCs or by friends or family members coming across our posts and realising that 'Davinia' who's always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body and is one step away from transition is, in fact, Dave, their manly husband and father (this, of course, begs the question as to what the friend/family member is doing on TG forums but let's not intrude!).  I would also add the guilty feelings that one is betraying their SO by posting on the site in secret and behind their back.  I have gone through all of these emotions and it was only when things got too much that I started posting.

I have to say that, since reaching out to others in this community, I have gained a far greater understanding of myself and the causes of my feelings for which I will be eternally grateful.  In addition, I have learned that the feelings I struggle with to a greater or lesser degree on a daily basis, whilst not being 'normal' in a general sense, are completely normal as far as this community is concerned and knowing that others have similar struggles has been a great help in managing my own life.

My message to anyone wondering whether to post is to do it - you can be as anonymous as you want and there are any number of people here more than willing to help you.



Sylvia, I think your point is very well made.  I've also noticed that when wives come onto this site to ask for help coping with their husband's revelation that they want to transition, there is a tendency for the respondent to refer to the husband as 'she' - 'politically correct', of course but it's hardly going to help the poor wife who is already emotionally falling apart.

In the end, whether we like it or not, those of us who are married have presented ourselves in a certain way to our spouses and, whilst on the one hand, we have every right to live our life as we want, on the other it is unfair to expect our SOs to fall in line with this and say nothing.  For me, the reaction of my spouse when I confessed to crossdressing in secret after over 20 years of marriage has played a big part in me deciding to live with, and try to cope with, the GD rather than taking experimental steps to transition.

Ultimately, I believe that this community has so much to offer the entire TG community especially including SOs but it's important for us to remember that the right answer for ourself isn't necessary the right answer for someone else.

Yes, in my initial post, my OH was referred to as 'she' and that upset me, not least in the fact that he doesn't want to be referred to as she, or have a femme name. And yes, he also doesn't want to transition - he never even considered surgery - as he feels our relationship means much more to him than that. He, like you, is dealing with his feelings in other ways (underdressing/subtle make up etc, which I am ok with). Unfortunately when I say things like that on here, many people, I feel, are nodding sagely and thinking 'oh yes, I went through that stage and thought I was happy with it but....etc etc.'  Which is valid. but it scares me.

Syl

Well, it's the internet.  I'm sure there are more than a few that are concerned about somehow being tracked from being on this site.  Call it paranoia but it's good to want to be safe.  I'm one of those.  I'm not out in public or at work yet so I tend to be more than cautious about my postings.  I even go as far to change my manner of speaking here.  I rephrase things differently here from other places I post at.  I'm not in one of the best states to transition in, Texas, so I try to limit what I do here just for a bit longer.  Once everything is out in the open than things change on here for me.

Just something else to consider.

That's a good question, and I suppose everyone has their own reasons. But speaking as someone who was (and still is) a little hesitant and nervous about posting, I think my main issue is feeling like I don't deserve/haven't earned the right to be here. I hate the idea of being where I'm not wanted and being a nuisance to others, but the feeling never really goes away.
I especially don't want to be the person who only speaks up to ask for help from others without giving back to the community, but at the same time there isn't really anything useful I can contribute yet. I wonder if anyone else feels similarly?

Moni, rhetorical question?

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 05:50:10 AM
Unfortunately when I say things like that on here, many people, I feel, are nodding sagely and thinking 'oh yes, I went through that stage and thought I was happy with it but....etc etc.'  Which is valid. but it scares me.

Syl

Sylvia, not so much on your thread rather for instance posts where people say they've been trans for decades, decided last month they're going to will it away and live as birth gender. Sure I think to myself "tell me a year from now how that worked out, tell me how it is in 20"

Simple truth is we all have to find our individual way to our best possible selves. My GF more or less pressured me not to transition whenever I mentioned the possibility and when I realized I no longer had a choice she had to decide whether I or my penis was more important to her. She still has a negative reaction to the word lesbian and I have to say I'm not wild about the extent to which that feels like homophobia -- we've been living together as two women for 19 years and in fact sexuality post op seems to be working out just fine so to me if it looks walks and quacks like a lesbian then I'm not sure why you'd call it a duck?

Quote from: SadieBlake on October 13, 2017, 07:41:24 AM
She still has a negative reaction to the word lesbian and I have to say I'm not wild about the extent to which that feels like homophobia -- we've been living together as two women for 19 years and in fact sexuality post op seems to be working out just fine so to me if it looks walks and quacks like a lesbian then I'm not sure why you'd call it a duck?

Sadie, just to play devil's advocate, many TG people spent their whole like walking and quacking like their assigned at birth gender, but we do not call them that. Many SO's, out of love for their spouses, "try on" lesbian the best they can and try to fake it til they make it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And even if deep down, they are pan or bi, if they never identified that way, it is quite a leap to get there. Yeah, 19 years is a long time for your GF to hold onto her hetero identity, but I daresay it is unusual in this crowd or anywhere to spend that long letting go of an identity.

Quote from: gallinarosa on October 13, 2017, 08:46:44 AM


Sadie, just to play devil's advocate, many TG people spent their whole like walking and quacking like their assigned at birth gender, but we do not call them that. Many SO's, out of love for their spouses, "try on" lesbian the best they can and try to fake it til they make it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And even if deep down, they are pan or bi, if they never identified that way, it is quite a leap to get there. Yeah, 19 years is a long time for your GF to hold onto her hetero identity, but I daresay it is unusual in this crowd or anywhere to spend that long letting go of an identity.

Devyl's advocate. Spell it right!  :laugh:

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 04:02:17 AM
It's not really the right forum for me, although, as I said, I learn a lot from reading.

I agree that for SO's this is a wonderful place for information. But you can get that without posting or commenting.

But it is not really the right space for support for us. When people look for support, they usually either look for a bunch of people in the same boat so that you don't feel alone and you can commiserate (this place does not have a lot of SO's), or someone close to you who will always be there for you like a close friend or family member (we are all strangers), or a completely non-biased person who has no skin in the game like a therapist (everyone comes here carrying a lot of baggage which gives them some kind of agenda).

Still, I like it here. There are some great people here and good information.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 13, 2017, 08:54:49 AM
Devyl's advocate. Spell it right!  :laugh:

Hugs, Devlyn

I am kind of a stickler for spelling and grammar, so you just sent me into a cold sweat thinking I had posted a spelling error, LOL!

(Now you know the real reason I don't post much, the anxiety of possibly posting a typo!)

Sorry!  :)

We do our best to provide SO's with what they need here, and we do ask people to respect that for the SO their world may be crashing down around them and they're looking for answers and help. Not lectures about pronouns.  ;)

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 05:50:10 AM
Yes, in my initial post, my OH was referred to as 'she' and that upset me, not least in the fact that he doesn't want to be referred to as she, or have a femme name. And yes, he also doesn't want to transition - he never even considered surgery - as he feels our relationship means much more to him than that. He, like you, is dealing with his feelings in other ways (underdressing/subtle make up etc, which I am ok with). Unfortunately when I say things like that on here, many people, I feel, are nodding sagely and thinking 'oh yes, I went through that stage and thought I was happy with it but....etc etc.'  Which is valid. but it scares me.

Syl

I've felt much the same way about this, albeit from the other side of the marital fence so to speak.  With medical advances, particularly facial feminisation, and the increasing social acceptance of trans people (increasingly enshrined in anti-discrimination law) transition has become a much more viable option and there are a number of members of this forum who have undergone spectacular transitions which are inspirational to those of us struggling with GD.

However, I do not believe that GD is a new phenomenon and, if we go back 50 years, we would face a very different scenario.  Any attempt to transition would undoubtedly have resulted in social exclusion, gossip, newspaper headlines screaming 'sex change' and so on.  Therefore the majority just had to live with it, perhaps with a bit of crossdressing here and there.  The point here is that just because there is now another viable option doesn't automatically mean that it's the only viable option.  Agreed, trying to live with gradually intesifying GD isn't going to be easy but, having read the posts of transitioners, it's quite apparent that transitioning is no walk in the park either, particularly when its result is the implosion of family life and, for some of us, that's just too big a price to pay.

I was afraid everyone would hate me. That's less so than the fact that I let my doubts about my own gender play a big role in not posting here at first and just lurking.

Mostly though, I was really scared I would screw up and say things and someone would find these posts and my life will explode because they would know me from my male life and expose me.

Quote from: Custard Squirrel on October 13, 2017, 06:45:01 AM
That's a good question, and I suppose everyone has their own reasons. But speaking as someone who was (and still is) a little hesitant and nervous about posting, I think my main issue is feeling like I don't deserve/haven't earned the right to be here. I hate the idea of being where I'm not wanted and being a nuisance to others, but the feeling never really goes away.
I especially don't want to be the person who only speaks up to ask for help from others without giving back to the community, but at the same time there isn't really anything useful I can contribute yet. I wonder if anyone else feels similarly?

Despite being a bit prolific in posting since joining, I feel the same way a lot of the time.

What really bothers me is to read threads where people are looking for advice and comfort, but the subjects are so far beyond my expertise that I don't know where to begin. Particularly when they don't seem to be getting any replies. I'll start to post something but then just close the window, thinking "No, you aren't qualified... they don't want to hear from someone so early on, they need someone with experience...", etc. etc.

But I've also figured out that a lot of people were that same way at this point in their lives! I started making it a habit to find long term members and frequent posters and go back and read their own introductions and early posts from years ago. What I found was that by and large, they were in the same position. Questions and uncertainty galore. People start by asking how to purchase clothing for the first time, or desperately looking for answers about their identity, and so forth... but 10 years down the line, they've long since "completed" (relatively at least) transition, are married, and seemingly happy or whatever the case maybe experienced and ready to pass their knowledge on.

In other words, ask away. Learn what you can so that in a few years time, you and I can maybe be the ones with the advice to give those just trying to figure things out!

I'm sort of an infrequent poster, I mean 190 posts in a year is not too bad :)  On other forums, I have easily done 190 in a couple of months.  I don't post frequently here, because there is only so much I can say regarding gender.  I should post more to other threads regarding other things though.

When it comes down to me being transsexual, the discussion can get pretty dark and I don't like feeling that I am bringing other people down.  I have a lot of baggage that I need to sort through, and have thought very deeply about this issue for a while now, if I were to lay it all out I am afraid my posts could bring others down to my level.  Usually when I do post here, it is after I have had a few shots of alcohol and am not being as cautious with what I say.

Then there is the fact, that I am living as my gender at birth.  It really feels hypocritical of me to talk about TS stuff when I don't have the experience outside of my own feelings.  I have never gone out dressed as a woman, only a few people know that I am TS in real life, and every time I write something here it is pretty superficial.  I can only say so much about my feelings of wanting to be a woman, and as stated earlier it gets pretty depressing.

Okay, I want my donuts now :)

OK, but I ate all the powdered sugar ones. <brushing off crumbs>  :laugh:

Hugs, Devlyn

That is okay, I'm on a diet :)

*nom nom nom*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMWi7CLoZ2Q

It's good that this forum exists. How one uses it is up to one ;D I don't think anyone without an interest in the subject would bother reading any of the posts. Relax.



Paula, X.

( Dyslexia never sleeps  ;) )

Quote from: sweetjohnnylat on October 12, 2017, 08:50:52 PM
Ok hi. I'm new here. I've struggled with this my whole life. I'm 40 in a relationship with someone who I told when I first met a year and a half ago I was a cross dresser she asked if I'd ever transition I lied out of fear and said no. Well fast forward to two weeks ago I was honest and told her I always wanted to be a woman but being a Christian I always felt ashamed of my secret life. She was devastated threatened suicide. Well she checked into a emotional support facility. Since then I explained to my whole family mom Dad stepmother stepfather and sisters why she went in because of who I really am. Im trying to be wise and seek a gender therapist and not let my work know yet. I don't know how this will all turn out but I'm glad I'm being honest and not in denial anymore.

These kind of posts are the absolute best, in my opinion.  Not because life is going smoothly, but because it isn't.  It's raw, open, vulnerable and honest.  I hope you update us over time or join in the active conversation.  Whatever you do, try to remember to look at this post in a few years.  No matter what direction you go, clarity grows over time.

I started a blog in 2014.  I had already been "out" for 5 years or more, and thought I was at a destination point.  I wrote it mostly to think out loud and to take control of the rumor mill at work.  I find it really interesting now in retrospect to look back and see what stuck with me and what didn't.

Quote from: paula lesley on October 13, 2017, 11:21:59 AM
It's good that this forum exists. How one uses it is up to one ;D I don't think anyone without an interest in the subject would bother reading any of the posts.

I beg to differ, or at least to clarify that society in general is CRAZY interested in LGBTQI people right now, whatever opinions they might currently hold.

It feels like my own cross to bear, so I rarely reach out for support unless I have specific questions. The life stories and perspectives of other trans* folk can be very informative and comforting to me, so for the most part that's what I look/lurk for on Susan's. I know this isn't a good attitude to take, but I sort of chalk this up to male socialization; I should have the balls to accept burden, no?

All the better that I'd want to get rid of 'em, aheh.

Quote from: gallinarosa on October 13, 2017, 08:46:44 AM
Sadie, just to play devil's advocate, many TG people spent their whole like walking and quacking like their assigned at birth gender, but we do not call them that. Many SO's, out of love for their spouses, "try on" lesbian the best they can and try to fake it til they make it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And even if deep down, they are pan or bi, if they never identified that way, it is quite a leap to get there. Yeah, 19 years is a long time for your GF to hold onto her hetero identity, but I daresay it is unusual in this crowd or anywhere to spend that long letting go of an identity.

Indeed.

To be sure, I enabled her seeing us as straight. While any time we would talk about relationship she would volunteer that she likes that I'm not a typical guy. However - and I take this as a usually feminine trait -- I'm very much a pleaser. I played the role of male-endowed sex partner and willingly gave her things that she wanted. I'm also a very practical person. As a penis-endowed lesbian, I used what I had to work with and don't regret it a bit. It was my evolving sexuality that largely drove me to transition. As I got closer to what I wanted (less penis / orgasm driven sex, multiple orgasms when they did happen etc) my dysphoria became progressively worse.

When I got to the point of realizing I had to transition and that she wasn't going to be happy about that, I went through a (thankfully brief) period of faking orgasm and pleasure and sometimes crying after sex that I'd barely been able to keep it together to 'finish' convincingly.

Identity came up with us the other day and I reminded her that she self identifies as sapeo-sexual and she agreed, that's why we're continuing to get on. I don't much mind the extent that I find her hetero-normative and honestly that's what I see when she's *thinking* about stuff. I've also seen her respond erotically women in completely spontaneous sexual situations.

most of which is beside the point here anyway

Quote from: gallinarosa
it is not really the right space for support for us. When people look for support, they usually either look for a bunch of people in the same boat so that you don't feel alone and you can commiserate (this place does not have a lot of SO's), or someone close to you who will always be there for you like a close friend or family member (we are all strangers), or a completely non-biased person who has no skin in the game like a therapist (everyone comes here carrying a lot of baggage which gives them some kind of agenda).

Still, I like it here. There are some great people here and good information.

Agreed, I've never visited an SO site, the second-hand reports have been about very angry spouses. Now that's fine, anger can be honored and probably shouldn't be denied however whether trans or SO folks come here bemoaning how terribly they have it, I honestly first think about first-world problems and second how little usually gets accomplished in US vs THEM conversations.

I completely get that change sucks however I also know that when my ex changed (wanting sex with another guy) and wanted out of marriage, blaming her for changing really never occurred to me. I'm honestly glad I hadn't figured out I was trans then, she managed to be hurtful enough back then. I told her I was hurt that she'd gone from 14 years of accusing me of infidelities that in fact never happened to wanting to cheat but that if that's what she needed, I could accept it. The irony was that that made her even angrier - the fact that I don't tend to be a jealous person to her meant I didn't love her.

whatever, I have to go now in any case. I do encoursge SOs on susans to hear and learn as you've said you have. I'm also under no illusions as to the fact of transitioning people presenting their spouses with stuff a partner ought not to. However I think it's easier to lose sight of the person when you think of them as a label, we're all just people, hopefully trying to be better versions of ourselves.

I find myself posting less and less except to pass on advice. I've been here going on 4 years and most of what bothers me I've posted about before. Many of the other posts in this thread resonate with me.

I don't like to post "me too" for serious topics. I don't want people to say, even in their heads, "she's always complaining about this, when will she do something?" When I'm really down on myself I feel unworthy of people's attention. I also don't like to post when I don't have anything useful to contribute. On the picture threads there are so many gorgeous women that I mostly don't post because I don't think I measure up.

Lots of reasons NOT to post.

One good one to post: what you have to say might be just what someone else needs to hear.

:

April 22, 2015, the day of my first face to face pass in gender neutral clothes and no makeup. It may be months to the next one, but I'm good with that!

Being transgender is just a phase. It hardly ever starts before conception and always ends promptly at death.

They say the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. I say, climb aboard!

Think outside the voice box!

SO's are equally welcome and supported. If you ever feel that isn't the case or something has occurred that isn't supportive of SO's too please let us know so we can take care of the situation. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Sylvia on October 13, 2017, 04:02:17 AM
As a SO I don't post very often as I feel that unless I am 100% supportive of my partner transitioning, I'm seen as the 'enemy' somewhat. I do read every day, to try and find out stuff, but I find a lot of things extremely frightening. I think a lot of members here are not very supportive of SOs, it seems we just have to accept that our lives are going to be turned upside down, so our partners can be 'authentic', never mind that we are generally being forced to either divorce, or live 'non-authentic' (being a lesbian lover to a mtf  isn't authentic to me). Seems there are no winners here.
There are times I want to post to ask questions about things like hormone treatment, sex, kids etc but maybe I am scared that the replies will be what I don't want to hear.
So, that is why I'm afraid to post here. It's not really the right forum for me, although, as I said, I learn a lot from reading.

Think all we have left is coffee.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 13, 2017, 11:15:51 AM
OK, but I ate all the powdered sugar ones. <brushing off crumbs>  :laugh:

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: usedtobejustin on October 13, 2017, 04:52:06 AM
I am newish and young; I feel comfortable sharing though, it is just that there is so much information here to learn and digest so I am trying to read more than post at this stage..
Also have this question about "what other website or forum about trans issues do you go to? Out of curiosity since I only know Susan's."
Also - out of curiosity

I posted for a while at crossdressers.com for a while before coming here, they have a TS section.  The posters there are a bit more blunt than our crowd.  Their sections on fashion and beauty might be a bit more detailed than ours, what with crossdressing being more common.  Of course a lot of that might involve the best brand of 6" stilletto pumps etc. so...

There are other sites too, Google 'trans forum' or the like.  Susan's seems really great though, the people here couldn't be more supportive, and there's a ton of info of a more technical nature, which is what I'm primarily interested in.  Susan's is about the top ranked in a search too, thus most prolific.

Another reason I don't post a ton is that I'm a slow reader, and also a chronic proofreader, I agonize over every word, not wanting to rub someone the wrong way.  I'm much more relaxed in person.

Quote from: Dee Marshall on October 13, 2017, 12:56:45 PM
I don't like to post "me too" for serious topics. I don't want people to say, even in their heads, "she's always complaining about this, when will she do something?"

When you're new the more voices saying me too means so much. I never read posts here and think anything disparaging. I'm glad you more experienced people have stuck around. It really means a lot. We all stand on each others shoulders and theres no way to say thank you sufficiently or enough. Thank You.

Monica    I came to this site and immediately realized that if I were to heal from a lifetime of isolation and self guilt that it was imperative that I post. On these pages I have found a family of people working through their pain.  The only thing I regret is not being able to meet you all personally. I have learned so much, proving old dogs...  Monica, you have always given such thoughtful responses. Devlyn, is our comic relief. Cindy, is the Sheriff. Julia1996, has been a delight and adds an element of youth to our conversations. Others I have appreciated have moved on. Like the person known as Archangel who stunningly revealed her transition.  MichelleP, is another person that has helped immensely. Dena, I owe her my gratitude for encouraging me to explorer. HughE for giving me some great medical research concerning DES. Kendra is also someone I appreciate and I am so glad she is comfortable enough to resume her music. Sadie, hugs
   Thanks to all you, I am relatively stress free for the first time in my life. I have an idea of how my life could have been. I also have a future I haven't believed in, in the past. I had given up and was willing to suffer any fate to put an end to it all.
   
I wish we could move beyond virtual hugs.
Dawn

   I think it very important for any newbie out there to recognize that what they have to say is important. I have a story to illustrate this. Around January of this year, I welcomed a very scared, tentative person to the site. I tried to reassure her that she was welcome here and that it was a safe place. She was not even trans and felt that she would not fit in or might be attacked. Well, I am so glad that I was able to talk her into expressing herself. It turns out that this person had a wealth of experience, a heart as big as Texas, and a wonderful personality. In a very difficult time in my life, she showed me a glimpse into my future, calmed and supported me. As quickly as she appeared, she was called to move on. The thing is, she changed my life, gave me hope, allowed me to see what could be. If you think you have nothing to say, maybe you are wrong. Maybe you have just the thing that someone else needs to hear. Love you all.
Moni
Oh is that decaf? Wait, is there any hot chocolate, the kind with the little marshmallows.

I am modifying this post as I didn't see your post Dawn until after I posted. It's funny the similar thoughts though. Thank you for your kind words Hon. So glad you are here. There are too many on here for me to list as having helped me through so much.
Wait a minute, you mean Devlyn is trying to be funny?

Quote from: katiekatt on October 13, 2017, 05:31:46 PM
When you're new the more voices saying me too means so much. I never read posts here and think anything disparaging. I'm glad you more experienced people have stuck around. It really means a lot. We all stand on each others shoulders and theres no way to say thank you sufficiently or enough. Thank You.

I'll consider "me too" when appropriate, then.

As to "standing on each other's shoulders", how very Escher! I love it! What a visual!

:

April 22, 2015, the day of my first face to face pass in gender neutral clothes and no makeup. It may be months to the next one, but I'm good with that!

Being transgender is just a phase. It hardly ever starts before conception and always ends promptly at death.

They say the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. I say, climb aboard!

Think outside the voice box!

You can try. Anyone can try. Even Devlyn.  >:-)

Quote from: HappyMoni on October 12, 2017, 07:38:57 PM
Hi to the newer members or infrequent posters on Susan's. I am curious about those folks who come here seeking information or help, but might be scared about posting. I am wondering if it is intimidating. Is there fear of not being taken seriously? Personally, I enjoy seeing those would might start out scared, post, and then grow in confidence. So maybe I could offer a preemptive welcome and possibly coax someone out of the shadows to help inform this old fogey poster. I promise not to act like a transgender vampire and try to bite you. :)
Moni

I got a new phone and didn't install tapatalk,so, out of sight out of mind. I am lucky enough to have an excellent support group physically, and the only questions I currently have, I'm not allowed to ask here. I still donate monthly, because I think this is an important resource for people that need it.

I waited over a month after finding this site before I actually posted. I learned so much from everyone during that time (still am!), that after coming out to my best friends I needed to post here. I needed to talk to people who were going / have gone through the same things I am.
One of the main reasons I don't post more is that it takes me forever to type a message. I worry about spelling, grammar, not sounding like an idiot ( ??? ), and not upsetting anyone. I think it's my lack of social skills (living like a hermit for over a decade will do that).
I'd post more often if it weren't for that and just not having as much time as I'd like to do so (some days I can barely keep up reading a small portion of the posts!).

   This thread was started with the newer folk in mind asking if they were afraid to post and why. As an added component Moni was interested in knowing if they grew in confidence through their posting. I think I had fit into this group because though I was not very shy about posting I was here looking for help with anxiety I was feeling about coming out to my GP and confessing to him that I had been self medicating with HRT. This site helped me do this and helped me through other steps as I began my journey. I also began to feel a part of the site as I made friends and encouraged others newer people by telling them parts of my story as it related to them. I felt useful, helpful, important. Then I made my road trip and began full time on it. I felt great, I was on top of the world, life was good. I wanted to help, to give back some of what I gained through this site and the friends I have made on it.
    Things change. I still want to help  but now I hesitate to post. I've fallen and I am broken. It started with my daughter and has gotten worse by bringing out issues long hidden and pushed aside but never quite forgotten. Even writing this little bit makes me want to not post this  because it is negative and will help no one.
    This is a support site and I have none to give atm. I'm consumed with myself. Because of this I hesitate to post at all.

Laurie

I don't see anything negative about that, Laurie. You're sharing your feelings and that shows people that they're not alone in their struggles. The site is built out of words. Yours count, and  help others.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Laurie on October 13, 2017, 09:44:58 PM
      Things change. I still want to help  but now I hesitate to post. I've fallen and I am broken. It started with my daughter and has gotten worse by bringing out issues long hidden and pushed aside but never quite forgotten. Even writing this little bit makes me want to not post this  because it is negative and will help no one.
    This is a support site and I have none to give atm. I'm consumed with myself. Because of this I hesitate to post at all.

    There are many ways to give support. You can do it without even trying. Merely letting others hear about your struggles and the responses you get can shed light on what someone else is going through. And like Devlyn said, it lets them know that they are not alone in their struggles. If you don't like sharing your difficulties for one reason or another. You can always stick to responding to threads in an area you do feel like you can contribute. Thread topics here run the gamut from psychological, to political, to just random "whats going on recently," with just about every legal topic discussed at one point or another. People care about you here. Even popping in to say "Hi, today my life kinda sucked," still lets us know you are ok. Asking for help alone gives support to those that take solace in providing it, such as myself. I always feel better about myself when I know that I've helped someone. So asking for help, helps my (and others') emotional needs as well. Hope this has given you food for thought. Stay Safe and Don't Be a Stranger.

HUGS!

Quote from: Laurie on October 13, 2017, 09:44:58 PM

    This is a support site and I have none to give atm. I'm consumed with myself. Because of this I hesitate to post at all.

This is where I run into my own issues posting, as I struggle to phrase what I'm feeling in a way that I don't feel like it sounds stupid, corny, or, even worse, hollow... Let's see if I can't give it a try.

Just by being here, living proof that all of this is survivable is more than enough support. Those of us just starting out know the pain we have been through (whatever forms it may have taken), see the pain others have been through in their posts... but because you and so many others are here on the other side, be it posting in serious topics or just having fun with something like the cooking threads, we also see that despite it all, people survive--that we can survive. And you know the great thing about survival? While it's not a guarantee that things will be better, but it allows for the possibility that things will be better. And while I can't speak for anyone else, for me that is what matters most. I spent my teens and twenties hiding from the world, not really living. Even just the possibility of better is everything to me. And best of all you don't have to do anything, you just have to be.

And this is why I worry I come across as corny. :-X

(TL-but-actually-not-long-DR: Basically what Jenny said.)

Quote from: Roll on October 13, 2017, 10:51:30 PM
This is where I run into my own issues posting, as I struggle to phrase what I'm feeling in a way that I don't feel like it sounds stupid, corny, or, even worse, hollow... Let's see if I can't give it a try.

Just by being here, living proof that all of this is survivable is more than enough support. Those of us just starting out know the pain we have been through (whatever forms it may have taken), see the pain others have been through in their posts... but because you and so many others are here on the other side, be it posting in serious topics or just having fun with something like the cooking threads, we also see that despite it all, people survive--that we can survive. And you know the great thing about survival? While it's not a guarantee that things will be better, but it allows for the possibility that things will be better. And while I can't speak for anyone else, for me that is what matters most. I spent my teens and twenties hiding from the world, not really living. Even just the possibility of better is everything to me. And best of all you don't have to do anything, you just have to be.

And this is why I worry I come across as corny. :-X

(TL-but-actually-not-long-DR: Basically what Jenny said.)

  I see nothing corny is this Roll.

I think it is important to post when you are new here. By doing so you build friends and gain the support you desperately need at that point. You're timidly reaching out that hand in hopes that some kind soul will grab it and help you along. Given time you become the only grabbing that outstretched hand giving back some of that support and help you were given. Sharing is helping. And it works for as long as you have something to give back.

  Now how's that for corny?

Quote from: Roll on October 13, 2017, 10:51:30 PM
Even just the possibility of better is everything to me. And best of all you don't have to do anything, you just have to be.

And this is why I worry I come across as corny. :-X

    While this advice/inspirational quote has become cliched, it is far from corny. Sometimes those simple platitudes can provide a different way of thinking that can act as a much needed life preserver in a sea of uncertainty. (See I can do it too.  :P) Stay true to yourself, and unless it concerns TOS or being hurtful, don't worry about how you come across so much. If there is a problem, someone will let you know. Even if something you say does sound corny, that doesn't make what you said invalid.

HUGS!

Will give a thumb nail.  I am 49 mtf, and that in itself is a verb issue I am FEMALE in a male body. I have lost nothing in telling family and friends about myself.   And yes i kids, well lets  15, 13, 7 . Ands married 15 years to the love of my life and she is working hard on accepting me. I hit the mega jackpot with her; ie  a high school friend that transitioned. Bisexual leaning to girls.

I am a DIY. I will not talk about what I know. Yes, I know the dangers ( I have almost a masters in herbology ( spelling sorry am dyslexic)   with collage paperwork ) And NO will not talk about it, am not licensed,  nor will give advice. I have a appointment at Planned Parent Hood. I have had seen a great therapist with a lifetime of experience that helped my via CBT and did proper pronoun changes ((changed from him to gender neutral) ( which messed up my works depression therapy time off policy)) cause it did not match the approved formula .   

And my biggest issue is where is the spiritual growth of finally accepting one self. I can understand the medical side what is need. So I look and read for a post on why does this new action feel so good, or why does this taste feel so different, Trying to find a common point to relate to.  Trying to find anything I can connect to.  Maybe not to deep into older posts but my time is limited 10+ hour days ... kids ... wife ... all needing time too.


And the google search terms are simple.  " Transgender people threw history"  Just keep in mind they did not have access to modern day medical. So actions might seem weird.

So will get off my soap box.

Hope you all find peace and and happiness. And will wonder and check in the morning if been flag.

Honestly, I have been trying to be more social-able.

I'm on another place where I have juuuuust over 1,100 posts, spanned 15 years. That averages 0.32 posts per day and that's a place that used to be really busy and an interest of mine.

So In short... I have nothing to contribute, so I don't say anything.

The reasons run deep.

Quote from: Tiame on October 14, 2017, 01:40:45 AM
Will give a thumb nail.  I am 49 mtf, and that in itself is a verb issue I am FEMALE in a male body. I have lost nothing in telling family and friends about myself.   And yes i kids, well lets  15, 13, 7 . Ands married 15 years to the love of my life and she is working hard on accepting me. I hit the mega jackpot with her; ie  a high school friend that transitioned. Bisexual leaning to girls.

Hi Tiame

Welcome to Susan's glad you found and hopefully you can find some of the answers you are looking for. Having a supportive partner can make all the difference when you are looking at transition.

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Quote from: Roll on October 13, 2017, 10:51:30 PM
And this is why I worry I come across as corny. :-X

You want corny? One of my favorite anime series (Gurren-Lagann) has a phrase that gets thrown around in various ways throughout it: 'Believe in the you that believes in yourself.'. Taking that to heart actually helped me get through a lot of my depression.

Quote from: Roll on October 13, 2017, 10:51:30 PM
This is where I run into my own issues posting, as I struggle to phrase what I'm feeling in a way that I don't feel like it sounds stupid, corny, or, even worse, hollow
And you know the great thing about survival? While it's not a guarantee that things will be better, but it allows for the possibility that things will be better. And while I can't speak for anyone else, for me that is what matters most. I spent my teens and twenties hiding from the world, not really living. Even just the possibility of better is everything to me. And best of all you don't have to do anything, you just have to be.

And this is why I worry I come across as corny. :-X

(TL-but-actually-not-long-DR: Basically what Jenny said.)

Did someone say corny? Hold my la croix...

I feel like some of our doubts as MtF women, wherever we fall on the spectrum, are what I would call "old" fears. I feel safe talking to all of you, especially the people I most identify with. We... I have to let these ideas go, maybe more than... No, DEFINITELY more than I need to worry about my body.

Have you ever seen Hitchikers Guide? When they have the Point of View gun that makes anyone you shoot with it see and feel your point of view? She keeps shooting Zaphod with it, while he verbally says how she feels? He finally gets it from her and goes to shoot her and she says, it wont work on me, I'm already a woman.

I don't believe in corny as corny anymore. I'm sorry, not sorry but... that's how cis-men trivialize women. It's why we're so especially hated. It terrifies cis-men to think a "man" could "turn into" a woman. All their insults are female shaming. The weakest most shameful thing a "man" can be to a cis-man, is a woman. I dont hate cis-men or their gender. I'm just done supporting their paradigm as it stands today.

Your feelings, when I read them, I know them. I havent read a thing on here that I dont know in my heart just as if I felt it. I feel the knots and wrenching of the painful posts and the giddyness of the silly posts and the warmth of the joyous posts. The needs, the wants, and all the heart flowing here and all the damage too.

I think you do too.

I dont care if we like each other or not. Any one of you might find me annoying, but you are my sisters and I love all of you. I love the FtM people too! But. I'd be lying though if I didnt say I had a special affinity for my fellow female spectrum people. I'll do whatever I can to help and support, I will hold you up any way I can. Your feelings are NEVER corny, NEVER stupid, NEVER anything short of utterly valuable.

I have no fears of posting when it has to do with facts or experiential truths, taking the opportunity to help someone. My problems or fears of posting comes in when I feel hurting and needy. I then feel too unworthy and not of enough value to bother my brothers and sisters on the site. I realize that this is residual tarnish from my old life and it's inherent self worth issues but it is still the case. That is when I just want to crawl into a hole and cry.

Quote from: Anne Blake on October 14, 2017, 04:11:04 PM
I have no fears of posting when it has to do with facts or experiential truths, taking the opportunity to help someone. My problems or fears of posting comes in when I feel hurting and needy. I then feel too unworthy and not of enough value to bother my brothers and sisters on the site. I realize that this is residual tarnish from my old life and it's inherent self worth issues but it is still the case. That is when I just want to crawl into a hole and cry.

    Yes I know from experience that asking for help can be depressing, because then you have to admit to yourself that you can't handle your problems on your own. Took me decades and having kids before I asked for help for anything, other than moving furniture, lol. As to worthiness, see my earlier post. Your concerns, worries, problems and emotions are valid and worth because they are HUMAN emotions. Heck, I feel guilty and unworthy since I don't yet have the budget to donate to the site. So I try to make up for it from helping as much as possible. Some of us get a sense of satisfaction, usefulness and purpose when we have helped others. Sharing your problems brings us closer together, and can help others, not just through letting them know there are others suffering too, but by providing an opportunity for them to give back. That's kinda the point of this site, to help those in need. Asking for help from those that truly care is never a burden.

HUGS!

My low post count is likely for two main reasons.  One, I am an introvert, in all social situations I weigh whether what I am about to say has any worth to the people who will hear it.  Two, on many of the topics discussed on this site I have no frame of reference to say anything of use.  I know I am a woman, but I am too scared to do anything about it.  I am terrified of all of the changes this would bring to my life, and all the people it would hurt.  So everyday I suffer through this male existence.  Since I won't act I have no experience to give to people.

But there is a wealth of experience, strength, and support on this site, and I find it invaluable for that.  And just being a member here, seeing myself logged in as Kelly, gives me a moment of peace because I do exist somewhere.

Hi Kelly,
   Thank you for posting this. I do very much relate to what you said. I was in the place where you are in now for a very long time. It is incredibly hard to deal with. I think it does help to be at a place where people understand. You can vent to me any time and I will only consider you to be Kelly.  :)
Moni

Quote from: K3lly on October 15, 2017, 05:10:27 AM
My low post count is likely for two main reasons.  One, I am an introvert, in all social situations I weigh whether what I am about to say has any worth to the people who will hear it.  Two, on many of the topics discussed on this site I have no frame of reference to say anything of use.  I know I am a woman, but I am too scared to do anything about it.  I am terrified of all of the changes this would bring to my life, and all the people it would hurt.  So everyday I suffer through this male existence.  Since I won't act I have no experience to give to people.

But there is a wealth of experience, strength, and support on this site, and I find it invaluable for that.  And just being a member here, seeing myself logged in as Kelly, gives me a moment of peace because I do exist somewhere.

Kelly, I don't think you realise how valuable your views are.  Of course, many members of this community are taking steps to transition to a greater or lesser extent but many of us, me included, are not.  As was mentioned earlier in this thread, there's sometimes a tendency for postings from the non-transitioners to be met with something along the lines of 'it's only a matter of time before the urge to transition will overwhelm you'.  However, far more useful to me is a post from someone who says 'I'm going through the same due to family/fear/uncertainty etc. and this is how I'm coping (or not coping)'.  I have learned so much about myself from reaching out to others in this community and, whilst the GD has not, and will never, go away being a part of this helps me cope with the pressures that it carries.

So get posting - we'd love to hear your views!

Hello all, one reason I don't post to often is I have a terrible time getting my thoughts into words. A lot of the things Kelly just posted fits me as well. In social settings I am quite quiet because most often what I say comes out wrong I guess. When I joined susans I never figured to transition because of the hurt it would cause my wife and children so I just do small things to feel feminine. And yes it is a big help to read about others transitions but also makes me wish for more. As my dysphoria is most prevalent in the morning I can usually deal with till it passes. I have not come out to my wife  because I am to scared to for the hurt it would cause her. One other reason I don't post very often is I have suffered from low self esteem all my life and still do so I just usually say to myself what I have to say wouldn t matter anyway which I am sure that probalbly isn't the case but that is the way my mind works. 
   Thank you Moni for asking this question and your input to this forum is important plus you look very good in your avatar.
    hopefully this alldoesnt sound and read stupid as that is usually how it reads back to me when I post it. another reason .
  Just a side note not on topic but I did my eyelashes this morning, I definitely like the look of that         

Kelly,

You write:

"I am an introvert, in all social situations I weigh whether what I am about to say has any worth to the people who will hear it."

What a wonderful thing.  I wish I could have all my students learn to write with this as the central driver in their writing!  When writing, surprisingly few realize they are writing for the purpose of having a reader read their writing, in service to the reader not the writer.  This is not an inherently introverted trait, it is the nature of being a good writer.

That said, the forum environment is different.  There rules are different.  Write what you need to write when you are struggling or have need for catharsis.  We all understand the need and want to help.  If you have a thought that may be constructive or offer an insight that has not been offered, please write a reply.  All of us are students here, differing only by level of experience.   We all benefit from the collective wisdom of the entire membership.

Forgive me just haven't had much worth chatting about! Is it intimidating? I suppose to certain degree it can be.

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Quote from: Jazmynne on October 15, 2017, 10:12:09 AM
Hello all, one reason I don't post to often is I have a terrible time getting my thoughts into words. A lot of the things Kelly just posted fits me as well. In social settings I am quite quiet because most often what I say comes out wrong I guess. When I joined susans I never figured to transition because of the hurt it would cause my wife and children so I just do small things to feel feminine. And yes it is a big help to read about others transitions but also makes me wish for more. As my dysphoria is most prevalent in the morning I can usually deal with till it passes. I have not come out to my wife  because I am to scared to for the hurt it would cause her. One other reason I don't post very often is I have suffered from low self esteem all my life and still do so I just usually say to myself what I have to say wouldn t matter anyway which I am sure that probalbly isn't the case but that is the way my mind works. 
   Thank you Moni for asking this question and your input to this forum is important plus you look very good in your avatar.
    hopefully this alldoesnt sound and read stupid as that is usually how it reads back to me when I post it. another reason .
  Just a side note not on topic but I did my eyelashes this morning, I definitely like the look of that       

Jazmynne,
   I thought this was an excellent post. It was honest. I could feel the emotion driving what you were saying. I think the important thing is that maybe you feel better for having expressed your thoughts or perhaps you helped someone else when they read it.
    In my time here on Susan's, I have seen all sorts of situations. I have friends who are full transitioners, partial transitioners, friends who have decided they can do nothing because of the consequences, intersex friends, friends with Tourrette's or Autism. So many different people with different reactions. Everyone deserves to speak, be heard, and hopefully find support. I really hope this thread encourages a few folks to think about speaking up if they are in need of support or want to vent some frustration. Please don't sit there alone, hurting.
Moni
   By the way Jazymnne, thank you for your kind words, and may I compliment you on your fine taste in avatars. (lol, oh seriously, lol) Congrats on the lashes. I did that once and it was a disaster. Maybe you could talk me through it. :)

Hi everyone!
So I "lurk" everywhere online, not just on Susan's. My trans wife Tammy posts a fair bit and it's great for her to have support.
The main reason I don't post is, as an SO to a mtf, and as a closeted lesbian (to the rest of the world) her transition has been great for our relationship. I married her pre transition (I didn't know about it) because I love who she is, and we're a great couple. She's my best friend, and now she's becoming a sexy woman, things are pretty good with us :)
So the SO thread is pretty quiet, and it seems to be a support for SO's who are struggling with their partners transition, which doesn't seem to be the right place for me to talk about how good my life is. Someone who is struggling with this might think I'm slapping them in the face with my 'perfect' relationship, and that's not going to encourage someone who's already nervous about posting to open up. So I've stayed pretty quiet.
I've read a lot on other threads, and that's been helpful, but I don't really feel comfortable posting as I don't really fit in anywhere.
I actually wrote something to post 2 days ago but I couldn't get the wording to sound right. I was wondering how many other SO's are out here feeling the same way I do and not posting about it for the same reasons?

So that's me,
Serial Lurker
Closeted Lesbian
Hufflepuff


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Quote from: MareldaRavyn on October 15, 2017, 06:08:42 PM

So the SO thread is pretty quiet, and it seems to be a support for SO's who are struggling with their partners transition, which doesn't seem to be the right place for me to talk about how good my life is. Someone who is struggling with this might think I'm slapping them in the face with my 'perfect' relationship, and that's not going to encourage someone who's already nervous about posting to open up.

Your experience is one of the drops of which the ocean consists.  In your first paragraph, you didn't say that you had a perfect relationship or belittle anyone else's experience.  You just said "we're a great couple."  Not all couples survive transition, and SO's often face a bunch of really crappy choices, but I would think that some of them might take some comfort in the idea that one SO ended up rather happy.  My guess is you're not the "slapping them in the face" sort...

I probably should post more.  When i first got honest with myself, I posted quite a bit on another board, which helped me organize my thoughts and work out roughly where I was at in my adventures in genderland.  after about a year I had kinda ru out of topics to post about, but now I'm struggling with a few things things some unbiased others might be able to help with.  I do really like the vibe here, though i will say there seems to be less continuity of members.  At the other board there's 20 or so regulars and I can tell who is posting without looking at the name or avatar.

Quote from: Another Nikki on October 17, 2017, 12:16:00 AM
I probably should post more.  When i first got honest with myself, I posted quite a bit on another board, which helped me organize my thoughts and work out roughly where I was at in my adventures in genderland.  after about a year I had kinda ru out of topics to post about, but now I'm struggling with a few things things some unbiased others might be able to help with.  I do really like the vibe here, though i will say there seems to be less continuity of members.  At the other board there's 20 or so regulars and I can tell who is posting without looking at the name or avatar.

First and foremost, welcome to the family,

    The lack of continuity may very well be due to the nature of a trans forum. Once someone has dealt with all of their issues, they may not see posting here regularly as a necessity and prioritize other things that take up their time. There is a fairly large portion of the transgender community, that once post-op, no longer considers themselves transgender in any way, and would have very mixed feelings about posting here. As I seem to have a strong mommy/nanny instinct, (according to wife and kids,) and it's getting stronger the longer I'm on HRT, I will probably stay a regular. Though I'm not sure I'll always be able to average 15 posts a day.

HUGS!

Quote from: MareldaRavyn on October 15, 2017, 06:08:42 PM
Hi everyone!
So I "lurk" everywhere online, not just on Susan's. My trans wife Tammy posts a fair bit and it's great for her to have support.
The main reason I don't post is, as an SO to a mtf, and as a closeted lesbian (to the rest of the world) her transition has been great for our relationship. I married her pre transition (I didn't know about it) because I love who she is, and we're a great couple. She's my best friend, and now she's becoming a sexy woman, things are pretty good with us :)
So the SO thread is pretty quiet, and it seems to be a support for SO's who are struggling with their partners transition, which doesn't seem to be the right place for me to talk about how good my life is. Someone who is struggling with this might think I'm slapping them in the face with my 'perfect' relationship, and that's not going to encourage someone who's already nervous about posting to open up. So I've stayed pretty quiet.
I've read a lot on other threads, and that's been helpful, but I don't really feel comfortable posting as I don't really fit in anywhere.
I actually wrote something to post 2 days ago but I couldn't get the wording to sound right. I was wondering how many other SO's are out here feeling the same way I do and not posting about it for the same reasons?

So that's me,
Serial Lurker
Closeted Lesbian
Hufflepuff

Ravenclaw here :-)

There are occasional happy posts in the SO forum, but you're right that areas is a pretty good reflection of the observation that most trans people here have reluctant partners. And all the posts in the SO area amount to <1% of the forum traffic as a whole.

I'm super glad your relationship is working so well, mine is also and I'm amused that you seem to like the moniker of lesbian, my own partner, while seemingly doing better with sex with a post op chick, still refuses to consider herself as lesbian. Of course she's heavily closeted about all of our sexuality where her family is concerned and I think that's where her mind goes --- what will people think if they know she's involved with a trans woman.

I'm glad you spoke up, best wishes and always happy to hear more about your journey.

Quote from: MareldaRavyn on October 15, 2017, 06:08:42 PM
Hi everyone!
So I "lurk" everywhere online, not just on Susan's. My trans wife Tammy posts a fair bit and it's great for her to have support.
The main reason I don't post is, as an SO to a mtf, and as a closeted lesbian (to the rest of the world) her transition has been great for our relationship. I married her pre transition (I didn't know about it) because I love who she is, and we're a great couple. She's my best friend, and now she's becoming a sexy woman, things are pretty good with us :)
So the SO thread is pretty quiet, and it seems to be a support for SO's who are struggling with their partners transition, which doesn't seem to be the right place for me to talk about how good my life is. Someone who is struggling with this might think I'm slapping them in the face with my 'perfect' relationship, and that's not going to encourage someone who's already nervous about posting to open up. So I've stayed pretty quiet.
I've read a lot on other threads, and that's been helpful, but I don't really feel comfortable posting as I don't really fit in anywhere.
I actually wrote something to post 2 days ago but I couldn't get the wording to sound right. I was wondering how many other SO's are out here feeling the same way I do and not posting about it for the same reasons?

So that's me,
Serial Lurker
Closeted Lesbian
Hufflepuff


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Marelda,
   I talked my partner into coming here a while ago. She didn't stay long because she isn't struggling as some others are. I think she had similar feelings to what you describe. I told her of my confusion on my gender in 1977 so there was not any  anger from a secret that could have been kept by me. Well that and she is naturally one of the most flexible, supportive people I have ever met.
Moni

The main reason I don't write much is that it often takes me ages to give form to what I want to say.

At times some post strikes me somehow, but often I don't know why, and I try to make sense of my thoughts as I write. When I read what I've written, it usually feels too long to me—so I prune out what seems superfluous. By the time I've finished, several others have often replied, and since I don't think my post can really contribute anything additional I delete it... Rinse and repeat.

As for the actual subject of this thread, honestly clause 18 of the site's terms of service does scare me just a little. Please understand that I have full faith in Susan and all site staff, and I guess that the verbiage in it may sadly be the minimum currently necessary in the United States to enable a site owner to safely operate a forum. Even so, the broadness, extent and scope of the rights claimed is so absolutely all-encompassing that it does make me feel somewhat helpless. (Frankly, I avoid e.g. Facebook like the plague for the same reason.)

That said, what prompted my decision to join—and make my first post—was that someone here needed information I could to some extent provide. I guess that as long as I concentrate on the fact that something I write may be useful to someone I can brave it.

I lurked as a guest for a couple weeks, then after signing up, got a case of shyness. Anyone who knows me personally would be surprised at that. I suppose it was trepidation, the old fear of rejection that built that (now crumbling) wall of despair around my gender identity. I'm glad I have posted now, because the responses to my introduction made me shed happy tears. I no longer feel as alone as I once did.  :icon_joy:

Quote from: SadieBlake on October 17, 2017, 07:44:04 AM

I'm super glad your relationship is working so well, mine is also and I'm amused that you seem to like the moniker of lesbian, my own partner, while seemingly doing better with sex with a post op chick, still refuses to consider herself as lesbian. Of course she's heavily closeted about all of our sexuality where her family is concerned and I think that's where her mind goes --- what will people think if they know she's involved with a trans woman.

I'm glad you spoke up, best wishes and always happy to hear more about your journey.

Hi SadieBlake
It's funny how that happens isn't it?
My mum is the same, she's been in a relationship with a woman for twenty years and still can't use the 'L' word.
Great to hear your relationship is also doing well



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Quote from: MareldaRavyn on October 15, 2017, 06:08:42 PM
So the SO thread is pretty quiet, and it seems to be a support for SO's who are struggling with their partners transition, which doesn't seem to be the right place for me to talk about how good my life is. Someone who is struggling with this might think I'm slapping them in the face with my 'perfect' relationship, and that's not going to encourage someone who's already nervous about posting to open up. So I've stayed pretty quiet.
I've read a lot on other threads, and that's been helpful, but I don't really feel comfortable posting as I don't really fit in anywhere.

Sometimes it helps people to know that happiness IS possible.  When I was just starting this journey, reading about people who transitioned successfully and were happy was the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.  I am sure that other SOs out there, who are consumed by fears of where their partner's transition will take them can benefit from hearing about the occasional success story.

Quote from: KathyLauren on October 19, 2017, 08:22:11 AM
Sometimes it helps people to know that happiness IS possible.  When I was just starting this journey, reading about people who transitioned successfully and were happy was the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.  I am sure that other SOs out there, who are consumed by fears of where their partner's transition will take them can benefit from hearing about the occasional success story.

Sadly, for me, the only way this would be a success story would be if I wake up one morning to find it's all just been a bad dream :(