Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I suffered emotional abuse when I was 9 years old that has lead me to want to be part male and part female.
For 55 of my 64 years I have tried to harm myself in the genital area (I attacked my testicles). My therapist told me I was like a lot of her teenage girls who cut.
I am scheduled for an orchiectomy in December with Dr. Arnkoff and I am elated. Afterwards, I want a small amount of HRT (I prefer estrogen) to keep me healthy and I would love to develop breasts and a little female fat redistribution.
With this in mind, I want to remain identified as a male and be kinda of a lesbian husband to my wife.
Am I weird? What would I be considered?

I forgot to say that I was a member back around 2008-2010. I let my membership lapse because I found a Lori chastity device locked away the parts I was trying to destroy. I found that relief by wearing a device didn't last.

Maybe Gender Fluid.  That's how I identify.  I can feel very much a guy in one setting and feel the opposite in another.  Most of the time I feel blended between the two.  As I continue on hrt I feel it becoming more defined to where I am on that sliding scale of life.
Hugs, Jessica 💁

Maybe letting go of the desire for a label will help. Just be yourself. Western language doesn't do justice to the sublimity of human experience which simply... is. Do some reading on Heidegger's concept of dasein. This is simply pure being. It is saying to yourself "I am" and leaving it at that. Also try looking into Buddhist philosophies. Embrace who you are and accept that your identity doesn't need a name for it to exist. It exists.

Am I hurting anyone's head yet? lol

Quote from: Allie24 on October 17, 2017, 05:18:21 PM
Maybe letting go of the desire for a label will help. Just be yourself. Western language doesn't do justice to the sublimity of human experience which simply... is. Do some reading on Heidegger's concept of dasein. This is simply pure being. It is saying to yourself "I am" and leaving it at that. Also try looking into Buddhist philosophies. Embrace who you are and accept that your identity doesn't need a name for it to exist. It exists.

Am I hurting anyone's head yet? lol

Pop!  What she said.
Jess

That's not too far from where my System is at, ajtent (Dissociative Identity Disorder from childhood sexual and psychological abuse). I am the System's girl alter and share the body with the primary alter (a guy) and 4 other alters. Hormones helped give my System peace. Not by relieving gender dysphoria, but chemical castration. Knowing once and for all none of us could ever do the horrible things that were done to us to anyone else.

I was born literally part ? part female.  I prefer to be female, so made changes that way.  Life is what you choose to make of it.

Welcome to Susan's Place. To answer your question we have member who feel similar to you. For a number of reasons they continue to live in the male role while using HRT to control their dysphoria. For some, family or work force them to maintain the male role and others are non binary and this is the best tradeoff for them. I don't have exact links to this that I can provide but the ones I am providing are similar.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,130268.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218060.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,209589.0.html

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Thank you all.
I am in awe of the compassionate and prompt responses to my questions. I've been very emotional for the past year and no chemical or physical changes have happened so far, so, I have tears reading this. I can clearly see that this is a good place for me.
One thing is, I have never in 55 years been exposed with my self abuse and confusion. In the past month it has all kind of come to a time when I finally get counselling that understands and realistically seems to be coming to a point where I need to be in life. My self abuse and this type of self abuse is often hidden and I have hidden it well but not without a price.
In every situation in life, I felt undeserving of my successes and have proven over and over finding ways to sabotage and almost all of my successes. All because I had this secret. In every job I have held, I rose to management and I just concluded a term in my small town where I was Mayor. If they only knew....
I am working to find a way of "coming out" and I have written a book that is ready for Kindle. It is the scariest thing of my life as I contemplate doing so.
I'll stay here and continue to learn from you and maybe along the way, I might be able to help someone through this site the way you have helped me.
Love you all :)

You, are. You exist.

Labels, aren't necessary because they cannot contain the passion for community, or dedication to role, or the million other nuances that we would like them to convey. We desire them to help to understand ourselves, and for first acquaintances to be able to quickly understand why we respond in the ways that we do, no more, no less.

The labels themselves can become a source of frustration, when they have constrained ourselves, in a way that isn't congruent with our understanding of self, even if they were a source of liberation and revelation initially.

As a person who self harms, in a similar manner - I can assure you that I do understand, and there are many more like us - welcome home hon, I'll make the tea, and please do join in.

Rowan

Welcome to the confusing world of the label "transgender." In my life experience, culturally, anything less than a "mans man" is feminine. While I self-identify as androgyne, non-binary, or gender queer, the dominant culture says I'm female. I express myself as "tomboy" female most of the time, so MtF also fits. I asked the same question on here a few weeks back, and the majority response was forget labels, just be who you are. Great advice I'm following. Best wishes.
Tommie

Again, Thank you all.
I'll follow and post as my journey continues and if my experiences can contribute.
Love you so very much!

Everyone is different, but I find labels to be comforting and important. I learned this years ago when my son, who was born with something "different" enough to cause him to struggle in school and socially, was finally given a label - Aspergers/autism spectrum (this was when it was an unknown thing, the very beginning of the autism explosion, but my son's diagnosis led to my mom and brother's diagnoses). Instead of being upset or grieving, I found that having a label for it, a name, gave me comfort and relief, and even a bit of happiness. It meant I wasn't alone. It meant that someone understood it, and there was someone else out there experiencing what I was experiencing.

The same happened when I finally found my own label: bi-gender. I'm both afab femme woman and transmasc guy. It's like being genderfluid, but with only two gender identities. If genderfluid is like taking a train from LA to NY, with all the stops in between, perhaps getting off to experience some other cities along the way, or even doubling back to visit them again, then bi-gender is like taking a non-stop flight from LA to NY. I spent most of my life anxious and dysphoric, hovering somewhere between my true genders without understanding why, and the realization of what I was, plus going on HRT to do something about it, I am now earning nice frequent flier miles being my true self.

Cailan, thanks for that response.
It makes sense and while I identify outwardly as male, I do like to do girly stuff at home.
I do my nails and I wear cute nighties to bed.
I had a high PSA and I had to cancel my December orchiectomy.
I need the orchie as I have been diagnosed with PTSD (childhood trauma), Gender dysphoria and Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
I will find out more about it with a visit to a urologist tomorrow.
If it comes back clear of cancer, a Dr. Arnkoff visit will be soon.
Dr. Arnkoff has been amazing in offering me his guidance through this episode.

Quote from: ajtent on October 17, 2017, 04:23:11 PM
I suffered emotional abuse when I was 9 years old that has lead me to want to be part male and part female.

For 55 of my 64 years I have tried to harm myself in the genital area...My therapist told me I was like a lot of her teenage girls who cut.

In every situation in life, I felt undeserving of my successes and have proven over and over finding ways to sabotage and almost all of my successes.

Am I weird? What would I be considered?

A trauma survivor.

Quote from: flytrap on October 30, 2017, 07:53:17 AM
A trauma survivor.

Indeed, your success is your survival.

(Hugs)

Rowan

I have to say that I don't understand what gender dysphoria is or what it's supposed to feel like. As someone who recently came out as nonbinary in general and genderfluid specifically, I do understand the desire to be the opposite sex; I have had fantasies about turning myself into a girl since I was 12 and am now really happy I can finally be one.

What I don't understand is how being a guy can feel downright horrible. Like, I get that I secretly wish I had bigger breasts and less body hair, and the latter is pretty annoying to have to shave off all the time, but feeling something inherently WRONG about being male isn't something I've experienced.

The closest I can think of is when I'm reminded of something closely tied into my male identity when presenting as female and I start to miss my boy self. I guess I'm not even sure where I'm going with this.

tl;dr I'm confused about how I can love being a girl, be fine as a boy, and not dislike being either.

Quote from: Jamie_06 on November 15, 2017, 11:18:31 PM
I have to say that I don't understand what gender dysphoria is or what it's supposed to feel like. As someone who recently came out as nonbinary in general and genderfluid specifically, I do understand the desire to be the opposite sex; I have had fantasies about turning myself into a girl since I was 12 and am now really happy I can finally be one.

What I don't understand is how being a guy can feel downright horrible. Like, I get that I secretly wish I had bigger breasts and less body hair, and the latter is pretty annoying to have to shave off all the time, but feeling something inherently WRONG about being male isn't something I've experienced.

I don't feel horrible about being male, it's just that being female feels better, more natural, so to say.

There are no set expectations, you take this to your own happy spot. There may not be someone to point to and say "I'm just like them".

QuoteThe closest I can think of is when I'm reminded of something closely tied into my male identity when presenting as female and I start to miss my boy self. I guess I'm not even sure where I'm going with this.

tl;dr I'm confused about how I can love being a girl, be fine as a boy, and not dislike being either.]/b]

I don't think you're confused, I think you're teetering on the edge of self acceptance. If you throw away society's view of boy and girl, are you happy being you?

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Jamie_06 on November 15, 2017, 11:18:31 PM
I have to say that I don't understand what gender dysphoria is or what it's supposed to feel like. As someone who recently came out as nonbinary in general and genderfluid specifically, I do understand the desire to be the opposite sex; I have had fantasies about turning myself into a girl since I was 12 and am now really happy I can finally be one.

What I don't understand is how being a guy can feel downright horrible. Like, I get that I secretly wish I had bigger breasts and less body hair, and the latter is pretty annoying to have to shave off all the time, but feeling something inherently WRONG about being male isn't something I've experienced.

The closest I can think of is when I'm reminded of something closely tied into my male identity when presenting as female and I start to miss my boy self. I guess I'm not even sure where I'm going with this.

tl;dr I'm confused about how I can love being a girl, be fine as a boy, and not dislike being either.

I'm in the same boat - it's not that I hate my male self, it's just that I really like my female self. I've read a lot online, and I've read stories of trans people that couldn't bear they're male body, and I found myself thinking "oh, well I must not be trans, because that's not me. But then what am I?"

But I've come to realize that every person has a different experience, and that my experience is just as valid. I try to not get caught up in terms (which gets difficult when talking to people about it), because that always seems to be a source of confusion and conflict. I've had people tell me that I can't be trans because I don't hate my genitals - but they don't know my experience, and aren't in a position to tell me what I am or am not.

And I think there is a difference between missing your boy self, and missing your history. It's something that's been a stumbling block for me - I think I really want to be full time female, but don't want to erase who I used to be. It leaves me trying to figure out how to be both.

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Quote from: Jamie_06 on November 15, 2017, 11:18:31 PM
I have to say that I don't understand what gender dysphoria is or what it's supposed to feel like. As someone who recently came out as nonbinary in general and genderfluid specifically, I do understand the desire to be the opposite sex; I have had fantasies about turning myself into a girl since I was 12 and am now really happy I can finally be one.

What I don't understand is how being a guy can feel downright horrible. Like, I get that I secretly wish I had bigger breasts and less body hair, and the latter is pretty annoying to have to shave off all the time, but feeling something inherently WRONG about being male isn't something I've experienced.

The closest I can think of is when I'm reminded of something closely tied into my male identity when presenting as female and I start to miss my boy self. I guess I'm not even sure where I'm going with this.

tl;dr I'm confused about how I can love being a girl, be fine as a boy, and not dislike being either.

As I've aged I have recognized that there are mental aspects of me that are feminine and masculine in nature.    I embrace myself as myself.  As I remove the testosterone in my system and switching over to estrogen, I still identify as me but with less baggage caused by testosterone.  My more feminine attributes have surfaced more, which confirms I enjoy being a woman over being a man.  I am the same person just leaning towards my feminine side.  Interestingly enough my wife has always been one that didn't like cuddling or other perceived feminine emotions, where I did.  Role reversal?
Smiles, Jessica 👩‍⚖️

I'm learning who I am, and who I want to ultimately be.

In August after feeling the need to have my yearly physical pushed up, I went to a new GP in my town.
I told him a little about my history of self-abuse and witnessing my mother's attempted suicide.
I told him that I had set up an appointment for an orchi in December with Dr. Arnkoff.
A week later I was seeing a psychiatrist because the GP thought I should be on some kind of drugs.
After two sessions with the Psychiatrist, she said that she could see no reason for me to be on drugs as I am a very happy and motivated person and not proving to be in any way suicidal.
She could see that I have gender dysphoria and told me that this was not an area of expertise for her.
She suggested that I find help from someone else but she did not know of a professional in our area of West Michigan.
I have been bumped around and felt guilty for my self-abuse for 55 years and there has been no one who understood me fully.

I finally found a therapist 70 miles away and made the call to set up an appointment.
On the way up to a therapist that specializes in Gender Dysphoria, I felt discouraged as I have had no help thus far and I didn't see how that would change.
I am glad I kept driving and found this therapist.
With her help, I now have real hope that with help, I can take and shape my body into a look that I can realistically achieve and live with.
I submitted my paperwork to the Dr. she recommended and hope to have my appointment in a couple of weeks to start the HRT.
I am considering moving to her practice even though it is 70 miles away because my local GP seems to be unable or unwilling to see who I am and what I need to be.
There aren't many doctors in the West Michigan area that seem to understand the trans community.

I hope for some perky little breasts as it would be nice to see and feel them on my chest.
As you know, I want to present as a male and I am concerned about how my wife will take me having breasts and zero ability to achieve an erection.
We haven't had penetrative sex in 4 years as it hurts her to do so.
She tells she is good with it but the reality of facing that my breasts might end up bigger than hers may hurt how she feels about my transition.
My mom was huge but I am 64 so I am hoping that age will not make me too big.

Question, in your opinion(s), am I a transsexual or a ->-bleeped-<- or something different?
I don't like the idea of being considered a ->-bleeped-<-, I prefer to be androgynous as a person with a tiny non-functional penis, no testicles or scrotum, and nice breasts. I don't know what that makes me.

Quote from: ajtent on November 29, 2017, 09:11:55 AM

Question, in your opinion(s), am I a transsexual or a ->-bleeped-<- or something different?

What are you? Personally, the term doesn't matter - don't get too caught up in it. I've run into this with people before, and when they start trying to force my experience into a predefined bucket, it just confuses matters.

But I'm in the same boat - I don't want to erase my male self, but I'd love to have a female body that matches when I do present female. I'd love to have breasts, but I'm not looking to have surgery down below.

For me, I tend to define myself as trans, non binary, or queer.

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