Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi sisters ,

I'm currently in male form and I have the biggest fear of coming out to my wife and 3 kids (one of them has learning difficulties) and my wife side of the family as my own family have disowned me ... I need advise in what to do as at the moment I'm not happy being in this form ......

Please help

Hugs

Leah

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Why have they disowned you?

How old are the kids?

Does your wife have any clue?

Have you seen a gender therapist? This one is an important one.


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I've always known I should have been a girl and I have been dropping hints Gertrude and my kids are 8,6,3 And it's always been a fear that they will disown me and I need to save up to go private to go see a gender therapist

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     Leah I understand your fear it was just today I came out to the last of my children {all adults }even though I was sure it would go well I was an emotional wreck for the last week all went well I dont know your family or the chances the might reject you but I do know even if the possibility of rejection is not real the fear is very real  I wish you the very best

   bobbisue :)

Quote from: bobbisue on October 21, 2017, 10:33:38 PM
     Leah I understand your fear it was just today I came out to the last of my children {all adults }even though I was sure it would go well I was an emotional wreck for the last week all went well I dont know your family or the chances the might reject you but I do know even if the possibility of rejection is not real the fear is very real  I wish you the very best

   bobbisue :)

Thank you for the comment and my disabled daughter does come out saying daddy is a good girl in front of family and I do respond by saying thank you to her so I am dropping hints in that way and lately I have been feeling trapped and anger in this current form

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A suggestion from a podcast I listen to with a transmale talking about telling his kids is to teach the kids about people having a "x" brain and a "y" body and not relating it to you is a good start.  Then when they are ready, you'll know and you can tell them.

Your wife, that's another story.  My wife of 32 years has filed for divorce.  But we are both okay with it and we've stayed friends.  The divorce is totally amicable, which is a good thing.  We'll both be better off I think.

OMG, so scared to come out to those closest.  It's so much easier to do it with acquaintances, rather than loved ones.  I struggled writing a coming out letter to my sister.  I was a mess, crying for a week just writing it.  That process was good therapy though.  It organized my thoughts to do the real coming out later.  Note I haven't done it yet, but will in a couple weeks.

Bari Jo

We tend to see that pre teen children take it pretty well as long as they know you love them and you will still be there for them. Once they get into the teens, many take it well because they may have had some exposure to the subject through school or they have a strong family bond. A few teens have difficulty accepting it and the only way to know is to come out. It sounds like your children should take it will.

When you talk with them, don't overload them with facts. Explain the basics to them then answer any questions they have. Often there the parents explain there will be a few changes and then the kids will turn around and start playing again. I would suggest that you have your wife on board before you have the discussion with the children.

Quote from: leah abigale on October 21, 2017, 10:27:30 PM
I've always known I should have been a girl and I have been dropping hints Gertrude and my kids are 8,6,3 And it's always been a fear that they will disown me and I need to save up to go private to go see a gender therapist

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Oh, I thought your extended family disowned you. Anecdotally, younger kids seem to take it better than if they are older. If you can, get a book by Jennifer Finney Boylan called She's Not here. She transitioned with two small kids.


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Hi sister,I can understand the problem you are facing,its very difficult to reveal things to your family.you have to be strong life never comes back, make each day  count. You should meet a good phycologist first then I guess he will let u know how to proceed as my phycologist helped me a lot.he advised me right met my mother to make her understand my feelings and what I want to be.in my family only my mother supports me except her I don't have anyone to love me.my phycologist guided me  a gud endocrinologist too.I hope you will be fine so and good luck for your new life.
Thanx
Simran

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Quote from: simmi on October 28, 2017, 08:23:33 PM
Hi sister,I can understand the problem you are facing,its very difficult to reveal things to your family.you have to be strong life never comes back, make each day  count. You should meet a good phycologist first then I guess he will let u know how to proceed as my phycologist helped me a lot.he advised me right met my mother to make her understand my feelings and what I want to be.in my family only my mother supports me except her I don't have anyone to love me.my phycologist guided me  a gud endocrinologist too.I hope you will be fine so and good luck for your new life.
Thanx
Simran

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Thank you for the reply , I will get the help that is needed before I can continue my path of transitioning and to get my loved ones to understand what my feeling are as I find it hard to explain myself to anyone

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Quote from: leah abigale on October 29, 2017, 02:01:21 AM
Thank you for the reply , I will get the help that is needed before I can continue my path of transitioning and to get my loved ones to understand what my feeling are as I find it hard to explain myself to anyone

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I hope they will understand you.
Good luck
:)
Simran

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I have the same fear, but I have to do this.  Hang in there!

Quote from: Michelle:) on November 13, 2017, 08:16:27 AM
I have the same fear, but I have to do this.  Hang in there!

I will hun and you too

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Oh, as an update, I did come out to my sister.  It went better than I dreamed.  I have the best supporter and ally now.  She's like a unicorn.  Planning sister outings celebrations, pairing up makeup kits, it's amazing.  She's the most supportive I've ever heard for anybody.  And I was worried?  My mom is next in two weeks.

You can do this.  I've learned that if they really care about you they will still stick by you no matter what!

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on November 15, 2017, 06:23:58 PM
Oh, as an update, I did come out to my sister.  It went better than I dreamed.  I have the best supporter and ally now.  She's like a unicorn.  Planning sister outings celebrations, pairing up makeup kits, it's amazing.  She's the most supportive I've ever heard for anybody.  And I was worried?  My mom is next in two weeks.

You can do this.  I've learned that if they really care about you they will still stick by you no matter what!

Bari Jo

That's great news Chuck, I am really pleased to hear that and sometimes I wish I had the confidence to come out to family but instead I have a conversation about it to myself and I don't feel happy as a male too :(

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Quote from: leah abigale on November 16, 2017, 01:34:33 PM
That's great news Chuck, I am really pleased to hear that and sometimes I wish I had the confidence to come out to family but instead I have a conversation about it to myself and I don't feel happy as a male too :(

OMG, there was no confidence there, just a need to do it.  I was crying for seeks writing a coming out letter.  Then I'm talking with her via text and literally painted myself into a corner forcing the topic.  I have a threads on it, and the letter under coming out of the closet.  Maybe they can help give you confidence?

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on November 16, 2017, 01:43:44 PM
OMG, there was no confidence there, just a need to do it.  I was crying for seeks writing a coming out letter.  Then I'm talking with her via text and literally painted myself into a corner forcing the topic.  I have a threads on it, and the letter under coming out of the closet.  Maybe they can help give you confidence?

Bari Jo

Oh hun ..... that will help me with coming out as I've been struggling with coming in a letter form and thank you for the information

Hugs
Leah

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Quote from: leah abigale on November 16, 2017, 06:08:51 PM
Oh hun ..... that will help me with coming out as I've been struggling with coming in a letter form and thank you for the information

Hugs
Leah

Leah, sure thing, here you go.  I got a lot of good suggestions from others too in this thread.  The first draft of my letter is about half down the first page in the thread.  I rewrote it a couple more times based on the suggestions given.

Letter Thread
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229341.0.html

Actual coming out to her Thread
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230281.0.html

If you want to read the final letter, let me know, I'll pm it to you.  I hope this helps you

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on November 16, 2017, 06:34:43 PM
Leah, sure thing, here you go.  I got a lot of good suggestions from others too in this thread.  The first draft of my letter is about half down the first page in the thread.  I rewrote it a couple more times based on the suggestions given.

Letter Thread
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229341.0.html

Actual coming out to her Thread
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230281.0.html

If you want to read the final letter, let me know, I'll pm it to you.  I hope this helps you

Bari Jo

Hi sister

I have read the treads that you sent to me and they are very moving , I hope it's not any trouble to see your finish letter as I could take some parts out of it and include them in to my own letter and when I have wrote out the letter on my phone I'll pm you the finished letter and can I ask when did you know you wanted to be a woman ?

Hugs

Leah

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Quote from: leah abigale on November 19, 2017, 01:33:08 AM
I'll pm you the finished letter and can I ask when did you know you wanted to be a woman ?

Hugs

Leah

Sure thing, I just pm it to you.  When you are finished sure send me yours.  I'd love to help if I can.

As for me, I felt like I should have been a girl around age 10.  It never went away.  I fought the good fight hard, but as you've read in my letter, I can't fight anymore.

Bari Jo

Could be worse.At least you HAVE loved ones. some of us have relatives far worse than none at all

Hey Leah!
Do you know Jazz Jenning's book I AM JAZZ?
(https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61-Uvb4mjgL.jpg)

It is a (real) story about a trans girl. Very touching and made for children. Maybe it could help you reading this book to your children and talking to them about what they understood, paying attention to hints about their acceptance.

Here you can find Jazz Jenning herself reading her book:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BF5D2lsPfsU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BF5D2lsPfsU)

Exactly one year ago I've written an answer to a friend about coming out. It is a little bit different, but maybe you can also find some help in there. I guess what I wrote about parents can also apply to all family members.
You can see it here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216768.msg1918892.html#msg1918892

Cheer up, sis! You are starting a wonderful journey!! Be happy and be proud!!!
I hope some of these advices can help you to see clearer skies for you to sail out!  ;)

Best wishes!!!

Hi Leah. Coming out is very hard to do especially for those of us who are parents. My biggest fear would be access to the kids if wife didn't accept/handle who you are if she decides to up and leave. I'm lucky that I'm separated but have the most homophobic parents and extended family in the world I haven't even told them I'm bi or mostly gay these days never mind tell them I'm Trans Female so I would have no support network near me. That's the thing we all need is support in this journey. I find acquaintances and workmates tend to be more open and accepting that established friends back home x