Susan's Place Transgender Resources

A while back I posted about going to my brothers wedding. I decided not to go but after a while I changed my mind. I told him that I will come and he refused to answer me. I then again asked him if I might come and he didn't answer me. Now this week before his wedding tomorrow I asked him like 5 times and he didn't answer me. I found out they invited my ex. I tried to talk to my dad and he just ignores me also. So eventually I ended up blocking my brother from phoning me and sending me messages.

I just don't get why they have to be this way. I didn't do anything to them except change genders. Is this going to continue for the rest of my life. Is my ex going to be preferred above me. Is she going to get invited to parties and weddings and me rejected. I didn't ask to be transgender and they say no one ever hurt them so bad in their life like I did by transitioning and becoming a woman. Should I just cut them out of my life forever. I don't have to endure their dead naming and misgendering.

My wedding is coming up next year and I am thinking of not inviting them also.

I think it depends upon what you want.

If I'm reading between the lines correctly you would like to have them in your life.

After your wedding, your spouse will be your closest relative so I suggest talking to them about inviting your family.  If they want to be in your life at all they will accept otherwise, sorry yeah, write them off.

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Hey amoré (beautiful name btw)

I cant say that I can exactly speak from experience because I haven't come out about my transitioning desire but what I would say, is that there is such a huge stigma attached to transgender persons and unfortunately, it is often those closest that react the worst. It is sad to admit that they will unlikely change their minds and if you feel like they aren't going to move on from it, then personally I would very seriously consider cutting them off completely and just be your beautiful free self and live your life the way you know you were destined to.

Also, although you may end up losing your biological family, you have created a whole new and extremely caring and empathetic family on us and the rest of the community. I don't know your story so i don't know if you have other transgender friends that are y around you but just remember, everyone on this site is here To Help each other and all give you their love in these difficult situation.

I wish you all the best on the exciting journey and let's forget the haters and embrace the lovers :-*

Love you...

Alexis
Xxx

I can't answer based on gender-identity issues, I can on family though.

Don't close the lines of communication unless you receive hurtful or disparaging messages, then by all means, block them .. you don't need that, no one does no matter the reason. You don't have to feel obligated to reach out either, just live your life.

I come from a large family. In any family there is a variety of personalities that either get along or can't stand each other. I don't associate with a lot of my family because I simply don't like who they are or how they act. I rarely see any of my sibling, the only one I could really enjoy as company was my older sister and one older brother. My older sister passed away from breast cancer. The one older brother, well, his life choices put a distance between us that's yet to close but we are still cordial when we see each other.

Intolerance is a problem, it's a them problem not a you problem ... unless you happen to be the intolerant one.

I don't think I helped but I tried, sorry.

We face rejection from lots of people. Many of can cope with friends or co-workers rejecting us. Family is blood and you love them and they are generally you support. So it hurts way more when they reject us, especially when we feel close to them. It sucks!!!! No way to put it, but we as a transgenders have to live for ourselves and not what society and family put on us. They can't bring me from depression or make me feel comfortable with myself. Which is where you have to declare what you are going to do. It is your happiness and no one else's usually family will come around eventually. It is just hard in the mean time while you wait for them to come around and support you. This is not an easy path in no way that we take but, it is rewarding!!!!! So I hope you find your happiness and what you want in this life!!!! Good luck!!!!

    Amore I am saddened by the way your family has treated you I suggest you make it clear to them if they wish to be a part of your life they are welcome only if they show you the respect you deserve if they will not do this you will cut them out of your life  I think a well worded letter not an e-mail would give the best result as they must then think through their reply and it gives no opening to start an argument

   bobbisue :)

You're not behaving as they desire, so they express their musterbation through ostracizing you until you conform to their wishes . They don't accept the authentic you and I would posit that they don't know who they are. You're ahead in the game that way. Just realize that you're not responsible for their feelings and that you cannot change them. It's not you responsibility. You're going to have accept this to move on. In time, who knows, but it's on them.


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Agree with pretty much everything said above except...  this thread was specifically about your brother's wedding. That's the one day he does get to be selfish and put his and his partner's needs and wants above all else.

Doesn't mean I agree with it. The day after the wedding, all bets are off.

Quote from: Amoré on October 27, 2017, 07:29:04 AMShould I just cut them out of my life forever. I don't have to endure their dead naming and misgendering.

My wedding is coming up next year and I am thinking of not inviting them also.

You don't have to cut them out of your life forever, just until they are prepared to be civil to you. 

I am guessing that they would not likely accept a wedding invitation from you anyway, but I think it is fair that you not invite them unless they have shown some degree of acceptance first.  The people you invite should be those who will support you.  As long as they do not, they do not deserve to be there.

Thank you all for the good replies. Yes acceptance from their side is a problem and I do believe the way that they are treating me is to bend me to their will. They want me to be a man again. I can't if I am not the person they want me to be I get treated like crap. It is not only about the wedding it is in general. I was harsh when I got my wedding invitation with my dead name on it. If they refer to me I am a gay man or a thing because in their eyes I am a man that is trying to be a woman. The Afrikaans culture is full of macho men and they see woman as weak and inferior and they can't for the life of them figure out why a man wants to be a woman because you know being a guy is the best thing in the world. Well I told him to fix my name and he refused he said if he wants me to be a man on his wedding I would be a man. I understand being selfish on your wedding but forcing someone to be someone they don't want to be on your wedding is also off limits.

Get the scissors and start cutting. This has been going on long enough now that it is clear they just dont care. Sorry but it is true. If they cared they would try to understand, instead they humilate you in hopes you will be so depressed living as a female that you will just convert back to their desires. Also, not inviting you but inviting your ex speaks volumes. I think I told you think before but, they dont care about you. They care about how you act and what stays between your legs. That is all. They want their ''perfect'' outside, they dont want to understand the inside. Also, calling your brother countless times is a sure way of making them NOT change their minds. When you do this, this just tells them that their bullying is working and that if they do this rejection bit all they gotta do is keep their game going until you cave in. I would cut them out, and in my case probably forever. They just dont care.

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on October 27, 2017, 09:09:06 AM
Get the scissors and start cutting. This has been going on long enough now that it is clear they just dont care. Sorry but it is true. If they cared they would try to understand, instead they humilate you in hopes you will be so depressed living as a female that you will just convert back to their desires. Also, not inviting you but inviting your ex speaks volumes. I think I told you think before but, they dont care about you. They care about how you act and what stays between your legs. That is all. They want their ''perfect'' outside, they dont want to understand the inside. Also, calling your brother countless times is a sure way of making them NOT change their minds. When you do this, this just tells them that their bullying is working and that if they do this rejection bit all they gotta do is keep their game going until you cave in. I would cut them out, and in my case probably forever. They just dont care.

Well I think you have a good point in that they want me to be a depressed female in the hopes that it would change my mind. I blocked my brother and decided to cut him off. I don't really talk to my dad but both of them is playing this game trying to change my mind. Especially in this period leading up to my operation and wedding.

I'm sorry you're going through that. Family can be hard sometimes. I had a similar situation with my uncle and his new wife. They didn't want me at their wedding. My dad ended up cutting ties with them both. My grandpa was very unaccepting when I first transitioned and my dad told him if he wanted us to be in his life he had to get over it. So he did. Unfortunately I have had to cut my mom out of my life. My dad took out a restraining order on her. You Don't have to cut people out of your life forever. Just until they can treat you with the respect you deserve. Unfortunately that can end up being forever. But it's not your fault. If they keep acting inappropriately to you that's on them, not you. I've had to accept that with my mom.

Quote from: JoanneW on October 27, 2017, 08:47:46 AM
Agree with pretty much everything said above except...  this thread was specifically about your brother's wedding. That's the one day he does get to be selfish and put his and his partner's needs and wants above all else.

Doesn't mean I agree with it. The day after the wedding, all bets are off.

Of course he's free to do that, but he's not free if the consequences. Many if not most act without consideration or care of the consequences of their actions. In this case, ultimately, it's his loss. His indoctrination is more important than flesh and blood.


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Quote from: Julia1996 on October 27, 2017, 09:28:35 AM
I'm sorry you're going through that. Family can be hard sometimes. I had a similar situation with my uncle and his new wife. They didn't want me at their wedding. My dad ended up cutting ties with them both. My grandpa was very unaccepting when I first transitioned and my dad told him if he wanted us to be in his life he had to get over it. So he did. Unfortunately I have had to cut my mom out of my life. My dad took out a restraining order on her. You Don't have to cut people out of your life forever. Just until they can treat you with the respect you deserve. Unfortunately that can end up being forever. But it's not your fault. If they keep acting inappropriately to you that's on them, not you. I've had to accept that with my mom.

Wise beyond your years with a Dad that has your back. You're going to do ok.

I'm sorry!  Family can be really difficult to deal with through this whole thing!  I too have a family whom I love, and they love me, and I would love to still have them in my life.  But both my mom and dad continue to tell me I will always be their "Son" and tell me that they wouldn't be able to handle having me around dressed as a woman.  That that is just too much for them to take.  And sadly, since that is who I am, and intend to go full time soon, if they can't handle being around me like that, then I am not willing to continue living a lie just so they aren't comfortable with it.

  My parents are good people, but they are blinded by their religion which convinces them that I am committing a "Sin" by doing this.  That some how I chose this, and am doing this to them to make their lives difficult or something.  I am almost 37 years old.  Have not lived with them since I was 19.  I would lose my mind!  I love them, but can't stand them at the same time.  So it makes it difficult that they are so unaccepting since I care enough about them to still want them in my life.  But they are just big enough pains in my ass to realize how healthy it is to keep them at a good distance.  I only recently came out to all of my family and friends and things, but still present as a man.  So I have yet to find myself uninvited or not invited to things because of it.  In fact, some of my wife's family members, invited me in even more when they found out.  Some people are just genuinely good, open minded and good hearted people.  It really sucks when our own families can't be the same way.

It is pretty difficult for me as I never cut someone off I don't exactly know how too. But I guess there is always a first for everything.

Quote from: Amoré on October 27, 2017, 11:28:48 AM
It is pretty difficult for me as I never cut someone off I don't exactly know how too. But I guess there is always a first for everything.

Basically you just don't speak to them anymore. Perhaps you even tell that person openly and honestly in a non reactive way how it would be in your best interest not to get involved with them. Once you do this, you move forward and do what you need to do for yourself in order to be happy. Be firm in the decisions you have made for yourself.

Quote from: CosmicJoke on October 27, 2017, 11:42:07 AM
Basically you just don't speak to them anymore. Perhaps you even tell that person openly and honestly in a non reactive way how it would be in your best interest not to get involved with them. Once you do this, you move forward and do what you need to do for yourself in order to be happy. Be firm in the decisions you have made for yourself.

I send him a nice message explaining why I am cutting him. Wished him well and left it there.

Quote from: Amoré on October 27, 2017, 12:14:32 PM
I send him a nice message explaining why I am cutting him. Wished him well and left it there.

Sounds good. :-)

Don't feel bad.  I grew up unloved, physically and psychologically abused.  It may or may not have been due to gender.  I told my parents I wanted to be a girl when I was seven years old.  This was in 1970 when transitioning as a child was impossible, and transitioning as an adult was extremely difficult.  After I was told I had to be a boy I always thought my parents pretty much forgot about that conversation, but -- no matter how hard I tried to be a boy, and then a man, I was always treated like I was something less than my younger brother and sister.  There was never any praise from my parents -- more like a grudging attitude that I had narrowly escaped punishment by turning in an adequate performance -- no matter how well I did or how brilliantly I performed.

My brother, who was diagnosed in adulthood with schizoaffective disorder, was given free rein to be as abusive toward me as he wanted to be.

My father pretty much forced me to become a lawyer.  It was as if he was out to completely destroy my own identity and substitute his own preferences into me about everything.

After law school and moving out of my parents house for the last time, I tried to put severe limits on my parents' relationship with me.  I had no relationship with my brother.  I learned the hard way that I had to limit things with my sister as well.  Dad continued his campaign of psychological warfare through my whole life, until he suffered a stroke in 2009.  Mom did too, until she went senile last year.

I came out to my sister when she was here on a family visit and got a very lukewarm reception.  A year later, she had absolutely no interest in my transition even when I raised the subject after she asked how I was doing.

Bottom line is, my transition is for me, not for my family.  I have given my family 50 years of my life, and I am keeping the rest for myself.  I have lots and lots of friends, and I have in laws that love me.  I have a wife who loves me.  And I have close friends that we invite for holidays and events.

Quote from: Amoré on October 27, 2017, 12:14:32 PM
I send him a nice message explaining why I am cutting him. Wished him well and left it there.

Amoré, I think you've handled the whole situation very well, just leave it at that, things can or could change in the future, and it doesn't matter if it doesn't. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
I've 3 brothers and many years ago my next brother never accepted my transition, just couldn't understand or accept why a guy would want to become a woman. Then when I had my operation and years later marrying a man he finally accepted me as his sister and accepts me as a woman, but it was a very long time coming, nobody knows how things finally turn out, the biggest surprise for me and my family too, was being a happily married woman married to the man of my dreams, none of them saw that coming and I didn't ether.

Amoré

  All I can say is I am sorry this family issue is happening to you. I know the pain it can cause. If I can be of help please let me know. I can listen.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

I find this very relevant and interesting for me any my situation. I am out to my brothers (no sisters..) but they are warning me off telling my parents. I'm 55, Dad is somewhat depressed, and since we told him that my wife and I are separating but will remain best friends (she isn't screwing me for alimony and such like as she feels I deserve a life as well) he is always saying he is so sorry (and mum is as well). I don't know what planet they are living on but they don't seem to listen, we are both up for the change, I suppose it's the 1930s generation and not understanding modern life, Well I can wait only so long then either I turn up looking a lot more female than they expect or I don't have any contact with them which would really hurt me. Again, this will happen like it or not and if they don't accept then that's their problem, not mine. I will be so sad to loose them but in my situation I am looking forwards and not backwards ever, ever. Be gentle with them but if they don't accept you then move on as life is too short to worry about Anyone, and I mean anyone's lack of support for you - be the strong woman you know you are.
We are all here for you hun, albeit in messages, and support as many have been in your situation before and can provide advice or things to consider.
Love and Hugz
Katie