Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My wife discovered that I put on make-up while she was gone last night and I broke down and told her I am nonbinary. I've tried to explain to her that I am just starting to figure out where I am on that gender scale when being true to myself, but all she has visions of is me transitioning to a full time female.
I doubt that is what is truly me either - that I am comfortable somewhere in between, but not sure where.
I've hinted in the past that I would like to have all my body hair shaved off - that it really bothers me. We comprimized on my torso but not my legs on arms. Something that still bothers me. I've also hinted in the past (before last night) that I would like to grow my hair out (probably to something more androngynous than basically a #3 razor everywhere). And she has gotten furious with me at even suggesting I want that.
Now that it is all out in the open, I have admitted that I want to present as female some of the times and some of the times I am just as comfortable presenting as male. But I would like to be completely smooth, have my nails painted, wear jewelery, wear feminine undergarments and have longer hair.
Her comeback has been that  shopping for more colorful men's clothing in softer fabrics is acceptable. That sitting and acting a bit more feminine like I had already done is acceptable. things that I have naturally started doing once I decided not to supress my feelings and put on a completely masculine mask anymore.
However, adopting more feminine behaviors or dressing in anything not bought in the men's department is a line she will not cross or support me in. Not only that she won't cross, but that if I do the marriage is over and I would likely have very limited access to my children because I would confuse and harm them.

I do not know what to do. While this fem side of me is strong and suppressing it up to now made me depressed and angry, my family is everything to me. I know that I am not a trans woman, but I seem to have more feminine desires and tendencies as of late than masculine ones. Should I accept tough choices in life and go back to suppressing most of all these feelings and desires or somethign else?

I'm sorry you're in this position.  It's tough.

I tried something similar.  Bad things happened.  Very bad things happened.  Let's say I almost lost everything the hard way. 

I became so angry at the world, or more to point, 1/2 the population, that I couldn't function.

Be careful if you're already angry as a guy. 

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Hi Katherine, welcome to Susan's Place! Your wife is working with you, that's a good thing.

How long did it take you to come to terms with yourself? How long have you given her to come to terms with you? How many times have your feelings about this changed? Hers will go back and forth, too.

You both need to grow into this together if it's going to work.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Welcome to Susan's Place. If this is properly explained to the children, it will not harm them. We have members who are raising children of all ages and a transgender parent hasn't made any difference in their life. If anything coming to terms with their transgender side has made them better parents.

If you don't have one, a gender therapist would be a good place to start as it will give you a place where you and your wife can work out your future. Suppressing your feelings will not work over the long term because they will reappear even stronger than they are now. I have a couple of links that might aid you in exploring your feelings. The first is our WIKI  (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) where you will learn about transgender terms. The second is  "the transition channel"  (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw). The second link may not apply to you but may help you understand your feelings about a full transition. Keep asking questions as the more knowledge you have, the better you will be able to come to terms with your wife.

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Hi and welcome from a SO. You sound exactly like my partner, somewhere in between. He had been wearing female underwear secretly for a year before I discovered it. He's always had long hair too, so nothing different there. Luckily, I like long hair on guys. He also shaved all his body hair without telling me. I do understand your wife's feelings - I've been there. It's mostly fear. It is all out in the open now, and things are better. My biggest fear too, is that he will go the full monty with total transition but he is convinced he doesn't want that, ever (he's 62 now). The fact that your wife is accepting certain things is a good start, you may be able to move things along slowly as long as you are both open to discussion, but it has to be slow, and with compromise and agreement. In our case, I took my partner shopping, in the women's department, for black jeans, and he bought 3 pairs. No one but us would know they are women's jeans. I bought him a pair of earrings last Christmas as he has both ears pierced now.
I too would advise a therapist for both of you. We have just started with one, and it's already proving to be very useful.
Perhaps your wife would like to post on the Significant Others section of this forum?

Thanks for the replies - they all have helped me a lot.
Right now my wife seems to be in a bit of denial mode. While we have now established boundaries like the WIKI on here suggested and some progress has been made - some of my fears are coming true. Anything with me looking feminine has to be done in a way that she cannot see it. I can dress more feminine when she is not around, I can wear lingerie, but I cannot change in front of her when I have it on.
I had suggested reading through the Signifigant Other forum on here and even posting - the reply has been a flat out no.

I have been going to therapy for 3 months now myself, which has been a great help in coming to terms with my nonbinary status and helped with my search for my true identity. My therapist has been saying for a couple of weeks we needed to plan to have my wife join us for a session or two - we have been just trying to figure out how best to do it and when. So this is going to become a bigger and more pressing issue there. I just hope my wife will be open to doing it. Just worried that she is going to adopt an attitude that if she doesn't see it, it does not exist and if she can limit my ability to be feminine at all it will just go away.  I had that attitude for 20+ years and all it did is make me depressed and irritable.

I had a year of denial. And it was an 'out of sight out of mind' scenario. He works away from home, so most of the time I didn't see any femme mode stuff. He always gets changed in the bathroom so I don't see the underwear. I have told him that I am now ready to see him in female mode and have told him he doesn't need to hide when dressing and undressing. He is reluctant to let me see him, but he will soon. He doesn't feel the need to be 'female' at this time (or any more than he he is at the moment) and only does it when he needs to, so I have to wait for the right moment. But, whereas, if I caught a glimpse of his underwear a year ago, I would cry and get upset, now it just seems normal to me, it's part of who he is.

Right now, he is sitting on the sofa in women's jeans and sweater (not obvious at all) and a lightly padded bra/vest underneath which just looks like he has slight man boobs. The kids haven't noticed anything.

I hope you and your wife find a way through this - there is always a way, but not always easy to find. I do recommend joint therapy too.

Sending love to you both xxx

My wife used to ask me why can't I just dress nicely as a male, like some gay men do. What she didn't understand and doesn't fully accept is what I am is between the ears. Most people that never have to question that don't get it. What's probably more annoying is the lack of empathy. She comes from a family where having a stiff upper lip and taking it is glorified. So, I should just accept who I am based on external genitalia and my size.


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