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I'm panicking, I don't know what to do. I just told my high school sweetheart wife of 25 years that I have always felt like I should have been a woman. My struggle for last several decades has been awful, and about 2 years ago, I decided to start growing out my hair. I told her it was because of acting, because it made me stand out at my age group. I found that it also made me finally feel a connection with my internal female identity. I also grew my nails out from the chewed nails they used to be. I felt more normal than I have ever been.

Last night she confronted me because she found some eye lash growth product that I have been using and I just told her.

She is in anguish, I've never cried so much in my life, because she is in pain. At this point, I don't care about myself or my internal feelings,, I can't live with out her. I am panicking and I don't know what to do.

I think I ruined everything I lived my life for. 

Firstly,  hi and welcome.
Secondly, have a big hug. X

Try to breath, and pause. You've just admitted something to both your partner, and in saying it loud,  also to yourself.

It sounds like your partner didn't have a clue about your feeling on this,  so give them time to process,  answer questions,  but try your best not to swamp them.

If they want,  there is the SO's section on this site where they may get some support/advice from others.

We're here for you. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Hi Jess 🙋 this is one of the hardest part in the journey of finding yourself.  I am lucky my wife of 37 years supports me.  I think it's partly because she has always known and I'm not throwing it in her face, by going slow.  I've been on hrt for 5 months now and have gradually moved more to the female spectrum.  Still able to present male, but maybe if I shaved my mustache not so easily. 
Try creating dialogue with your wife a little at a time while assuring her you are the same person and continue to desire to be with her. 
Hugs, Jessica 💁

Quote from: Megan. on November 17, 2017, 10:06:25 AM
Firstly,  hi and welcome.
Secondly, have a big hug. X

Try to breath, and pause. You've just admitted something to both your partner, and in saying it loud,  also to yourself.

It sounds like your partner didn't have a clue about your feeling on this,  so give them time to process,  answer questions,  but try your best not to swamp them.

If they want,  there is the SO's section on this site where they may get some support/advice from others.

We're here for you. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Thank you. I am barely keeping it together in my cubicle at work right now. I don't think I have ever felt this alone before. :( I am in so much pain, and I feel ashamed.

Quote from: Jessica on November 17, 2017, 10:13:47 AM
Hi Jess 🙋 this is one of the hardest part in the journey of finding yourself.  I am lucky my wife of 37 years supports me.  I think it's partly because she has always known and I'm not throwing it in her face by going slow.  I've been on hrt for 5 months now and have gradually moved more to the female spectrum.  Still able to present male, but maybe if I shaved my mustache not so easily. 
Try creating dialogue with your wife a little at a time while assuring her you are the same person and continue to desire to be with her. 
Hugs, Jessica 💁

I am desperately telling her this, I am still me! But she married a Marine, her prince. I have always been there for her, my life revolves around her happiness. I have kids, grandkids........ what have I done???      I am at a loss. I wish I didn't say anything but I can't take it back now.  Oh my God, what have I done??????

Consider disclosing a route where you want to discuss this with a therapist (which you should) to sort out your feelings.  This could give you time that may show her you are who you have been all along.  I might suggest she have counseling too, with or without you.
Hugs, Jessica 💁

Don't feel ashamed,  there is no shame in honesty and truth.
Many of us have been where you are now, it's tuff, hang in there, give it time.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

I'm still trying to find my center. I was multiple lucky when I told my wife of 35 years. Still not easy. My head has been mush since it happened

Take it sloooowww. Give her time to think and hopefully ask questions. Education and information is key.

It seems that the biggest fear for a spouse is losing their mate. You need to reaffirm that that she is still most important to you.

I still don't have the words to express but I feel what you're going through.

As a fellow former marine I feel your pain. I was in similar shoes about 10 months ago although my sharing with my wife was a bit more planned. As others have said. Just breathe and take it one day at a time. She is processing what you have stewed on for literally decades. She will need some space. She needs to know whatever her response is, you will accept it. Hard, yes, but don't try to diminish or nullify her pain with cliches.

During boot camp as I went to sleep I always thought, no one died today, must have been a good day. I had that feeling many times over the last 10 months.

Remember, this is my rifle, there are many like it, but this one is mine? Substitute "story" for rifle and it is truthful of your situation. You are not alone. While individual details may very, we all share a very common story. Draw strength from that and persevere.

The topic of this thread is "I just told my wife", but really it should be "my wife found out".  Unfortunately, it is much worse when you are forced to tell her because she found out on her own, rather than you being open about it in the first place.

You broke the trust you had with her by hiding it from her, so it is going to be really difficult for her to believe anything you now try to say to comfort her or convince her.  You need to get a neutral third party involved.  See a therapist.  Your wife should see a therapist too.  And then also do joint therapy sessions in addition to your individual sessions.

Yes, you messed up, and it's going to be harder now, but not impossible. Make the phone calls and start scheduling therapy right away.  You can fix this, but take action right now.

Jess..it's scary when you tell a partner. But the truth is good in a relationship.
There will be loads of questions.
Be calm. Be loving to each other.

I give you a big hug and wish you all the best..

Hi, Jess!

Welcome to Susan's.  Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) to tell the members about yourself.

Coming out to your wife is probably the hardest thing to do on this journey.  And as Echo7 said, it is worse if she discovers you than if you had volunteered the information.

I do agree with the suggestions above to find a therapist ASAP.  You and your wife should both see a therapist individually as well as together.  Things will get better eventually, but I'll not lie, it will be rough going for a while.  Hang in there.

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I'll echo what the others have said.  Give her time to come to terms with this.  You've had most of your life dealing with it and now she was given seconds.  She is going to wonder what she did wrong.  She is going to wonder what you did wrong.  No one did anything wrong.  She is mainly going to wonder why you didn't tell her years ago.  My wife sure the heck did.  That's what she was the most angry about, the fact that I hid this side of me for over 35 years.  We've been married for 19.75 years now and I just came out this summer.  Just give her time and answer any questions she has honestly. 

Thank you for the support so far. I am in a very dark place right now, and I haven't been able to stop crying. I have too many emotions going on right now, and I am barely able to have a meaningful talk with my wife. She can't stop crying either. I scheduled a dr appt with my GP and I also scheduled an appt with a therapist who specializes in this, but that's not until later this month.

I feel an immense sense of guilt, and shame. More guilt that anything, because this isn't fair to her. She tells me, she married a man, her prince -not princess. She is struggling to know if we can be "together" ever again. I don't think I have ever felt this alone before in my entire life. I don't know what to do. She wants to cancel Thanksgiving next week at our house. I feel so awful.

Let me add to the chorus of those saying you have nothing to be ashamed of and as to how much she actually new beforehand, i don't know you as a couple, so that dynamic is not something i can comment much on, but i will say this: A lot of guilt over non-disclosure is misplaced in my opinion. What you may feel after the fact this traumatic event could be that and what you really may be experiencing is self-awareness rising to the point of action.

Couples never sign up for the " I'll never change our entire marriage plan". It is unfathomable. Yep you are the same person you've always been her spouse but you change. We all do. Sometimes those changes pull us close, sometimes those changes pull us apart. 

I personally think we give way to much emphasis on gender in much of society and in the totally wrong ways. If you use terms like hey i was a Marine what does it mean..(maybe...great, brave, leadership, traditionally masculine ventures) or Prince (very masculine term that sort of means, you are her champion and traditionally male place of honor etc). I call my boyfriend my prince all the time and i know what i am trying to communicate there.

i think we sometimes show our own bias and in that way our loved ones can pick pick up on it. The truth is that those terms above are largely BOTH feminine and masculine. You are still her brave soldier and her champion. Your disclosure and desires change none of that.

It is scary to face such pain and potential loss about someone we love. Therapy will be invaluable to the future of your relationship so i also encourage you both to go there. Whatever happens though, you are you and our loved ones need to love us not according to our role, not according to the idea or image of us, but us as people. That doesn't mean her hands or tied or she is trapped in any way, but love means we choose to figure it all out in the kindest way possible for both people.

Quote from: RobynD on November 17, 2017, 03:39:46 PM
Let me add to the chorus of those saying you have nothing to be ashamed of and as to how much she actually new beforehand, i don't know you as a couple, so that dynamic is not something i can comment much on, but i will say this: A lot of guilt over non-disclosure is misplaced in my opinion. What you may feel after the fact this traumatic event could be that and what you really may be experiencing is self-awareness rising to the point of action.

Couples never sign up for the " I'll never change our entire marriage plan". It is unfathomable. Yep you are the same person you've always been her spouse but you change. We all do. Sometimes those changes pull us close, sometimes those changes pull us apart. 

I personally think we give way to much emphasis on gender in much of society and in the totally wrong ways. If you use terms like hey i was a Marine what does it mean..(maybe...great, brave, leadership, traditionally masculine ventures) or Prince (very masculine term that sort of means, you are her champion and traditionally male place of honor etc). I call my boyfriend my prince all the time and i know what i am trying to communicate there.

i think we sometimes show our own bias and in that way our loved ones can pick pick up on it. The truth is that those terms above are largely BOTH feminine and masculine. You are still her brave soldier and her champion. Your disclosure and desires change none of that.

It is scary to face such pain and potential loss about someone we love. Therapy will be invaluable to the future of your relationship so i also encourage you both to go there. Whatever happens though, you are you and our loved ones need to love us not according to our role, not according to the idea or image of us, but us as people. That doesn't mean her hands or tied or she is trapped in any way, but love means we choose to figure it all out in the kindest way possible for both people.

thank you. all of this helps, more than I can say.      I'm minute by minute right now.

It's rough at first.  And it's normal to wish you could unring the bell, but if you could, where would you be?  What worked for us was coming out, then doing nothing.  Keep life as it was for a while.  Offer to talk about it, but don't make it the centroid of your lives.  Then slowly, ask questions or gently bring up topics.  My wife was greatly helped by reading Anne Vitale's grouping of trans people (Team Group 3!!!!).  It helped her understand what I went through.  I was also totally honest about that side of me for the first time ever, and she could see the anguish.  If you're able to compromise on some things so she feels like it's "us" and not "I" it may help.  Good luck, my heart goes out to you both.  Give it time.  It's been 20 months and our relationship is deeper, closer and better than it's been in the past 25 years.  I'm fortunate that I'm able to take the scenic route in this journey and not the express line.   Not everyone is.

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Quote from: Another Nikki on November 17, 2017, 04:24:14 PM
It's rough at first.  And it's normal to wish you could unring the bell, but if you could, where would you be?  What worked for us was coming out, then doing nothing.  Keep life as it was for a while.  Offer to talk about it, but don't make it the centroid of your lives.  Then slowly, ask questions or gently bring up topics.  My wife was greatly helped by reading Anne Vitale's grouping of trans people (Team Group 3!!!!).  It helped her understand what I went through.  I was also totally honest about that side of me for the first time ever, and she could see the anguish.  If you're able to compromise on some things so she feels like it's "us" and not "I" it may help.  Good luck, my heart goes out to you both.  Give it time.  It's been 20 months and our relationship is deeper, closer and better than it's been in the past 25 years.  I'm fortunate that I'm able to take the scenic route in this journey and not the express line.   Not everyone is.

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

I am SOOO group 3 according to the link above! Perhaps my guilt should be redirected, maybe this is actually "normal" for me but societal constraints have made me hide under cover. Thank you for the knowledge, this is a good read so far.

Tonight has been interesting. We ate dinner together, and we are talking... dancing around the elephant  in the room, but I'll take it. We both love each other deeply, but I know she is devastated. Maybe we can even cuddle while watching a dvr episode of This is Us. here's to hoping.....

Quote from: JessStrong on November 17, 2017, 06:18:44 PM

I am SOOO group 3 according to the link above! Perhaps my guilt should be redirected, maybe this is actually "normal" for me but societal constraints have made me hide under cover. Thank you for the knowledge, this is a good read so far.

Tonight has been interesting. We ate dinner together, and we are talking... dancing around the elephant  in the room, but I'll take it. We both love each other deeply, but I know she is devastated. Maybe we can even cuddle while watching a dvr episode of This is Us. here's to hoping.....

Jess!

Welcome aboard!!!... I am sorry things began to unfold in a manner other than the manner you might have chosen in an ideal world but, believe me... your new big sister! 😀 All will be well...

I have seen many a " reveal " go a little rough in the beginning ... by no means is that a sign of how things ultimately settle out.... it is a large rabbit indeed to pull from the hat in the middle of a marriage ...so, often time is need for the partner to process and get to the point where they can see that life may even be better with a rabbit

🐰<{Hi Everybody!!!}

My take ...as a fellow group 3 girl, is that at some point this is something that was going to need to be dealt with... the segue might not have been as smooth as you would choose but, maybe you will find that dealing with this stuff at this time in your life to be the best thing that could have ever happened

I wrote a few words today about fear today that may be of value as you move ahead

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

You are amongst a very good group of caring people here who have found ways to make their lives work in amazing ways and want to help you, as best we can, as you navigate your life from here... carry hope in your heart and move ahead...ever forward...


Onward we go !!!

Ashley :)

Quote from: Another Nikki on November 17, 2017, 04:24:14 PM
It's rough at first.  And it's normal to wish you could unring the bell, but if you could, where would you be?  What worked for us was coming out, then doing nothing.  Keep life as it was for a while.  Offer to talk about it, but don't make it the centroid of your lives.  Then slowly, ask questions or gently bring up topics.  My wife was greatly helped by reading Anne Vitale's grouping of trans people (Team Group 3!!!!).  It helped her understand what I went through.  I was also totally honest about that side of me for the first time ever, and she could see the anguish.  If you're able to compromise on some things so she feels like it's "us" and not "I" it may help.  Good luck, my heart goes out to you both.  Give it time.  It's been 20 months and our relationship is deeper, closer and better than it's been in the past 25 years.  I'm fortunate that I'm able to take the scenic route in this journey and not the express line.   Not everyone is.

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

That was a very good read.  I am definitely a group 3 girl.

Jess, sounds like instant replay of my first talk with my wife, very similar circumstances and all leading up to it as well.  It will take a good while for her to digest just what you said that first time, and now her imagination is likely working overtime.  We know the "playbook" didn't work for us and we have to find ourselves and answers outside of it.  She is still dependent upon it to tell her how to act and what to do.  Give her time to settle down, educate yourself so you can educate her with as much factual information as you can learn and encourage her to ask questions and tell you what she is thinking and feeling.  Be prepared to show all the patience you can muster and don't one the one to lose your temper.  Things will settle down.  Find some good help, gender therapist or someone experienced with trans people to help you as well as her figure this out and tell her the steps your taking (therapist of some sort) and encourage her to do the same independantly of you.  She has to feel that she has her own voice when she talks to someone else and is free to say what's on her mind without your influence.  Then you have to wait, and wait, and wait.  One day at a time is what it comes down to.  But don't think this is something you've "done" to her.  Society finds it in it's own interest to demonize us because it enforces the very things that got us here to start with.  All you've done is the equivalent of yelling out loud "I love pink!".  Yeah, the paradigm shifts, but you'll be better off in the end for it, she may be as well.  Lots of hugs.  Toni 

Welcome Jess.

Sorry you had to come out so abrupt. I struggled for a long time before I told my husband since 19 years. He took it well at the time. But it goes up and down. Sometimes we are a normal family. Sometimes he is sad and says he can't think of a romantic life with me as a guy. Because he is not gay. Maybe that is the way it needs to be. But remember, you are not alone on this journey. Your wife also walks this path from now on. If she decides to take another path than you in the future, then so be it. But just now, you both walk the same path. And you have us here for support.

I wait for my husband before he is ready for the next step. Next step is coming out at work. But he is not ready for that. I'm out to about 10 people. Co-workers, relatives and friends. But we're in this together. I need to wait for him.

It takes time to understand, to get over the surprise she had. She might say stupid stuff, and then regret it. Give her time to understand. Nothing happens over night. Not your transition and not her to settle the reaction to the surprising truth. She needs to vent and so do you. It's good that you will se a therapist, maybe your wife can come too when the time is right?


Tony

A wife "Finding Out" is a universe apart from initiating the dialog. Take it from me, a person who has been in both pairs of shoes. Wife #1 discovered my stash. About 6 months later we were separated after me getting (indirect) confirmation of her having a b/f. Wife #2, my, g/f, BFF, lover, and reality therapist of some 40 years known about my gender issues and inglorious history, to settle on being just a CD from day 1. Dropping the T-Bomb hit her hard some 8 years. The pain is still there, as well as the feelings of betrayal. Between the two was a fiancee and g/f of some... 4 years. She was also told, sort of OK with the CDing, to a point. Still she cut and ran as her family upped the pressure on a wedding date.

My story is kind of similar to yours and it has turned out fairly well so far.  I'm not a Marine but a retired Soldier instead and letting this out in the open was the hardest thing I ever did, much scarier than anything I ever experienced in the Army.

My wife had known of the CDing through discovery and violently disapproved of it mainly because I couldn't invent a believable explanation and because I kept saying I would stop.  That last part I actually believed each time but of course I also failed each time.

So finally, after 23 years she found out again and was really mad (an understatement).  I also had lost the will to invent stories and no longer believed God was going to fix it or that I could cure myself. 

I felt driven to desperation and knew there were only two choices left, either kill myself or admit the truth.  I nearly chose the first and got so far as rehearsing the whole thing with my 9mm. 

Finally I decided to take a chance and talk, hoping for the best and somewhat prepared for the worst.  I say somewhat because I'm not really sure what I would have done if it all went bad.  But it actually went better than expected.  As maybe shocking as this was to her it was orders of magnitude better than all the scenarios she had concocted in her mind including convincing herself that I was dressing up to have gay affairs on the side.  (I wasn't and have never cheated a single time)

That was 12 years ago and we are still married.  So it doesn't always end in disaster.


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Hey all, just an update.....  things have settled down quite a bit and we are both taking it day to day. Per her request, I did see my general practitioner, I also told him of my situation (which was both difficult and awkward). He was surprisingly helpful in his response, but he still ordered a slew more blood tests to make sure no stone was left unturned from a medical doctor's perspective.  I've been coming to this doctor for quite a long time, and I've been asking for Viagra to help me perform with my wife. While the V was hit or miss, when it worked, it was great.

I have also started counseling, which has been great, been going for 3 weeks now and I think it's helped. My wife will be joining me very soon and she's told me that she definitely needs it. While I've know this truth all my life, she's only come to know about it recently. What comes next, I don't know. I can tell you that my counselor already provided me "the letter" which is a good thing because I have been self-medicating for the last month. I'd much rather do this with my doctor's guidance. He's aware of my self-med as well, which is why he is running blood tests on me to make sure potassium and other hormones ect are in check. I know after reading some of the sticky notes that talking about HRT meds is a sketchy thing, but it's so helpful to be able to talk to others who are, who did, or who plan to do so. To me, I want this so badly that I am willing to take a calculated risk. I am happy that things are moving in the direction I want, but in the same breathe, I also want my wife and large family to accept me. That's a jagged pill. So, at my age, I've come to accept some things I cannot change, but also, not waste another day living a lie. Just knowing that there is a chance is enough for me to finally be happy with who I truly am. That's all for now. 

Quote from: JessStrong on December 14, 2017, 12:13:27 PM
I've come to accept some things I cannot change, but also, not waste another day living a lie. Just knowing that there is a chance is enough for me to finally be happy with who I truly am. That's all for now.

Jess!!!

I hear in your words above, a mindset that will carry you far in the journey ahead!!! All will be well 😀!!!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley 😀💗🌻

I only told my wife last week. She was a bit more accepting, but its still going to be a long road. Give it time. If you love each other that much then chances are you'll work something out.

Quote from: Megan. on November 17, 2017, 10:37:17 AM
Don't feel ashamed,  there is no shame in honesty and truth.
Many of us have been where you are now, it's tuff, hang in there, give it time.

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Wow - Thank you for this.  I just read this post and can relate to dealing with my wife finding out after almost 20yrs together.  I am back to hiding at the moment, and struggling... with guilt, with shame.  Why can't I just decide to be what everyone thinks I am?  Because I'm not. 

Your advice is spot on - easy to hear, but tough to do. 

Quote from: JessStrong on November 17, 2017, 09:58:41 AM
I'm panicking, I don't know what to do. I just told my high school sweetheart wife of 25 years that I have always felt like I should have been a woman. My struggle for last several decades has been awful, and about 2 years ago, I decided to start growing out my hair. I told her it was because of acting, because it made me stand out at my age group. I found that it also made me finally feel a connection with my internal female identity. I also grew my nails out from the chewed nails they used to be. I felt more normal than I have ever been.

Last night she confronted me because she found some eye lash growth product that I have been using and I just told her.

She is in anguish, I've never cried so much in my life, because she is in pain. At this point, I don't care about myself or my internal feelings,, I can't live with out her. I am panicking and I don't know what to do.

I think I ruined everything I lived my life for.

She always loved you right ? A women is you ,so i can't see her leaving you. Let her process and think about this ,  And in stuff like kids you can have a sperm bank before you go on hrt(women hormones ) or adopt.

I'll expect nothing less than what you described from my wife when i come out to her.
It is going to be tough Jess, without doubt.
You have nothing to be ashamed over. When you are both ready the right conversation will start.
Until then...
<<<Hugs>>> and strength from all of us.
-Christyn


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