Community Conversation => Transitioning => Topic started by: Selene on November 21, 2017, 09:53:19 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Five years, first steps
Post by: Selene on November 21, 2017, 09:53:19 AM
Post by: Selene on November 21, 2017, 09:53:19 AM
It has been almost five years to the day.
It has been s long road, going back as far as memory began. Along the way I have overcome, learned, made mistakes, re-learned. I had to get tough, very tough. Sometimes that led me to dead ends. A survival skill that didn't allow a well rounded perspective.
I always knew I was born in the wrong body. I had to hide that fact. Sometimes I didn't, or I was caught being different. My "different" behavior was noted by my parents, and I was sent to "therapists" to have my behavior fixed. I put the word therapists in quotations because the ones that made me do Conversion Therapy were not professionals in my opinion. It was conversion therapy, or be admitted to a mental institution.
I grew up fast and hard. I became hard -heart, and soul.
I carried my scorn for therapists over the years. To my personal dismay, I learned the only way I knew (at that time) that you most often needed to see one to be diagnosed (?) as transgender in order to transition.
I live in a very isolated place. My first internet connection came from my first smart phone five years ago. I learned that there was a definition for who I was, that it had a name. I learned being transgender was common all over the world. That there were information resources, support groups on sites like Facebook, and others. I began to talk to other transgender people. I learned that you could do Hormone Replacement Therapy, or gender affirming hormone therapy. I learned that there was nothing wrong with who I was as an individual. I learned that I was not alone, and I could do something to make things right after a lifetime of wrong.
But it came back to therapy. I understood that fear is now unfounded if you look in the right places. I realized that there are therapists who specialize, empathize, and want to help transgender people find the right path. After some online searching, I found two highly respected therapists who work with transgender people. I made an appointment, and followed through. I was finally on track.
Then I lost my job when I was outed in my community. I was forced out of my job. Threats at work, threats at my hone from coworkers. Management made false accusations of incompetence. It became too much, and I missed a few days of work, subsequently leading to my firing. The threats continued. Then I was stalked and beaten, twice. They said if I went to the cops, they would make sure I was gone one way or another. I thought that there were so many people against me, that going to police would make things worse. The last straw was when I was shot at walking on the bike trail near my home.
I went into hiding. I lived like an animal in the woods for about a year. Living out of my car. Winters in north Idaho are long and cold when you are hunted, and alone. Eventually I came back to my home. I owned my own house, and property. It was effin silly to be living in fear, in a car, while I had an empty house. I started feeling like a coward.
It was this time, when I crept back home that I came out to my mother. She immediately accepted me, and my world opened up more to me. I had no job, and my mom had bills stacking up, back taxes. I sold my home, and land to pay off my mom's bills, and moved in with her. The threats started happening again once I was back in town.
I did something I though I would never do. I bought a gun. I learned how to use it.
One day, a truck pulled into our driveway. We have a long driveway in the woods where I live. Two men sat in the truck staring at me while I was mowing the lawn. They kept revving their engine, peeling out in the gravel driveway. A rifle in the back window of their truck. I pulled my pistol, and fired three warning shots into the lawn in front of me. I then took out my cell phone, and actually started call the police. The two men peeled off my mothers property, and since then, I had no problems.
I know that sounds extreme. But when you live where I do, you have to do what you can to survive. Without backup, or community support, you have to do what you have to do.
Up until things got bad, and I moved in with my mom, and stood my ground -the thought of transitioning was on a back burner. I took more time for things to settle, to settle my fears, and find ways to protect myself. To trust my local law enforcement.
I started thinking about my needs again.
Present day.
A little over a week ago, I went to an informed consent clinic to begin my transition. I had my first intake. In all it was over six hundred miles round trip, and they can't accept my medicare out of state (Renton Washington). It was a huge hassle because I can't handle big city driving very well. That, and the long distances for each subsequent appointment, and the extra expenses. I thought about weighing my options. YAHOO - You Always Have Other Options.
A last Friday I called a therapist that I found locally online. I got a call back, and learned that she (therapist) has worked with transgender people before, including HRT referring. I made my intake appointment, and it's coming up on December Fourth. She will accept my medicare, and I only have to drive sixty miles. No sweat!
I'm going to perdue my transition beginning with my therapist instead of the informed consent clinic. I feel very good about my choice, and those bad experiences with past therapists will now be healed with positive ones. I feel like I've made the right choice, along a long road of limited ones.
As a note, I did try several times to move away. I lived in Vermont for a few months, a few in Colorado. I kept coming back home to Idaho to keep my mother from being put into a nursing home. She is my only in person supporter. She has my back now, and we have reconciled the past.
That, and my pride. No one will ever drive me away from my home again. :)
It has been s long road, going back as far as memory began. Along the way I have overcome, learned, made mistakes, re-learned. I had to get tough, very tough. Sometimes that led me to dead ends. A survival skill that didn't allow a well rounded perspective.
I always knew I was born in the wrong body. I had to hide that fact. Sometimes I didn't, or I was caught being different. My "different" behavior was noted by my parents, and I was sent to "therapists" to have my behavior fixed. I put the word therapists in quotations because the ones that made me do Conversion Therapy were not professionals in my opinion. It was conversion therapy, or be admitted to a mental institution.
I grew up fast and hard. I became hard -heart, and soul.
I carried my scorn for therapists over the years. To my personal dismay, I learned the only way I knew (at that time) that you most often needed to see one to be diagnosed (?) as transgender in order to transition.
I live in a very isolated place. My first internet connection came from my first smart phone five years ago. I learned that there was a definition for who I was, that it had a name. I learned being transgender was common all over the world. That there were information resources, support groups on sites like Facebook, and others. I began to talk to other transgender people. I learned that you could do Hormone Replacement Therapy, or gender affirming hormone therapy. I learned that there was nothing wrong with who I was as an individual. I learned that I was not alone, and I could do something to make things right after a lifetime of wrong.
But it came back to therapy. I understood that fear is now unfounded if you look in the right places. I realized that there are therapists who specialize, empathize, and want to help transgender people find the right path. After some online searching, I found two highly respected therapists who work with transgender people. I made an appointment, and followed through. I was finally on track.
Then I lost my job when I was outed in my community. I was forced out of my job. Threats at work, threats at my hone from coworkers. Management made false accusations of incompetence. It became too much, and I missed a few days of work, subsequently leading to my firing. The threats continued. Then I was stalked and beaten, twice. They said if I went to the cops, they would make sure I was gone one way or another. I thought that there were so many people against me, that going to police would make things worse. The last straw was when I was shot at walking on the bike trail near my home.
I went into hiding. I lived like an animal in the woods for about a year. Living out of my car. Winters in north Idaho are long and cold when you are hunted, and alone. Eventually I came back to my home. I owned my own house, and property. It was effin silly to be living in fear, in a car, while I had an empty house. I started feeling like a coward.
It was this time, when I crept back home that I came out to my mother. She immediately accepted me, and my world opened up more to me. I had no job, and my mom had bills stacking up, back taxes. I sold my home, and land to pay off my mom's bills, and moved in with her. The threats started happening again once I was back in town.
I did something I though I would never do. I bought a gun. I learned how to use it.
One day, a truck pulled into our driveway. We have a long driveway in the woods where I live. Two men sat in the truck staring at me while I was mowing the lawn. They kept revving their engine, peeling out in the gravel driveway. A rifle in the back window of their truck. I pulled my pistol, and fired three warning shots into the lawn in front of me. I then took out my cell phone, and actually started call the police. The two men peeled off my mothers property, and since then, I had no problems.
I know that sounds extreme. But when you live where I do, you have to do what you can to survive. Without backup, or community support, you have to do what you have to do.
Up until things got bad, and I moved in with my mom, and stood my ground -the thought of transitioning was on a back burner. I took more time for things to settle, to settle my fears, and find ways to protect myself. To trust my local law enforcement.
I started thinking about my needs again.
Present day.
A little over a week ago, I went to an informed consent clinic to begin my transition. I had my first intake. In all it was over six hundred miles round trip, and they can't accept my medicare out of state (Renton Washington). It was a huge hassle because I can't handle big city driving very well. That, and the long distances for each subsequent appointment, and the extra expenses. I thought about weighing my options. YAHOO - You Always Have Other Options.
A last Friday I called a therapist that I found locally online. I got a call back, and learned that she (therapist) has worked with transgender people before, including HRT referring. I made my intake appointment, and it's coming up on December Fourth. She will accept my medicare, and I only have to drive sixty miles. No sweat!
I'm going to perdue my transition beginning with my therapist instead of the informed consent clinic. I feel very good about my choice, and those bad experiences with past therapists will now be healed with positive ones. I feel like I've made the right choice, along a long road of limited ones.
As a note, I did try several times to move away. I lived in Vermont for a few months, a few in Colorado. I kept coming back home to Idaho to keep my mother from being put into a nursing home. She is my only in person supporter. She has my back now, and we have reconciled the past.
That, and my pride. No one will ever drive me away from my home again. :)
Title: Re: Five years, first steps
Post by: 2.B.Dana on November 21, 2017, 10:00:57 AM
Post by: 2.B.Dana on November 21, 2017, 10:00:57 AM
Tremendous courage and guts! Cheering for you.
On another point though. I live in a tourist area. Each summer we count up license plates as a fun pass time. We get every state except Idaho?? Don't they let anyone out for vacation? My wife tells me its too pretty to leave , lol
On another point though. I live in a tourist area. Each summer we count up license plates as a fun pass time. We get every state except Idaho?? Don't they let anyone out for vacation? My wife tells me its too pretty to leave , lol
Title: Re: Five years, first steps
Post by: Selene on November 21, 2017, 10:08:19 AM
Post by: Selene on November 21, 2017, 10:08:19 AM
:)
I have a lot of typos in there. Tapping on my phone screen. Auto incorrect.
The national forests are beautiful here, especially up here in north Idaho. Living in the mountains, as odd as it might sound can be a vacation in itself. :). One of the reasons I stay here.
On a road trip in 2015, I blew people's minds in Arkansas with my Idaho plates. Long story that. :)
I have a lot of typos in there. Tapping on my phone screen. Auto incorrect.
The national forests are beautiful here, especially up here in north Idaho. Living in the mountains, as odd as it might sound can be a vacation in itself. :). One of the reasons I stay here.
On a road trip in 2015, I blew people's minds in Arkansas with my Idaho plates. Long story that. :)