Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I had to look back at some old pictures for an unrelated reason and came across some of me shortly before my transition,  still looking very male.
It's made me very very sad [emoji853]. I saw a smiling,  good looking guy.
I tend to look forward,  and don't often reflect on the past,  but it was hard seeing that person who really has gone now. I wish he didn't have to go for Megan to be here.
It's always these unexpected moments that hit me the hardest emotionally.
Things like this and my real uncertainty about how much further I want to take things medically still raise alot of doubt in my mind if I've been on the right path.
Feeling reflective...

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Alternately he hasn't really gone, you're still you, just a different version of you.

There was obviously a reason you did it in the first place :-)

When I do eventually get to do what I want I wont forget who I was, as it made me who I am today, and will be tomorrow, for better or worse.

Ellie xx

I've been basically GD free for months,  that's why I had to do this,  and it has worked, but what a price!
I've changed so much now, he really is gone, only fading memories.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

I really don't think you're on the wrong path. This road is so foreign that if it wasn't right, you would have turned back  by now.

Hugs, Devlyn

Also don't forget, imagine you had never transitioned at all and you'd kept going as you were for 40 years.

You could have looked at the same photograph in 40 years and had basically the same feeling as to where has he gone. For different reasons admittedly but still everyone changes one way or another over time.

Ellie xx

I did what I needed to do, and I don't regret it. That person wanted a life (not death) and this was the only option left.
I just don't feel like I'm on any road right now, wandering aimlessly in the long grass.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Quote from: Megan. on November 22, 2017, 02:37:58 PM
I did what I needed to do, and I don't regret it. That person wanted a life (not death) and this was the only option left.
I just don't feel like I'm on any road right now, wandering aimlessly in the long grass.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Hi Megan, I am in the same path as you. I just denied myself happinesses for 40 years. I don't regret decision to begin my transition either .

Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk

Megan, I think that I hear what you are saying. There are pictures around the house from the old days. He was a good man and did neat things. Some of the photos are from the mountains where I loved to trek or from business trips to Asia, many with my wife. These are good memories that are difficult to relegate to a position of insignificance. He is gone, no coming back and I can occasionally get caught in the position of missing some of that magic. But there is a reason he had to go. If he hadn't, I do not expect that either one off us would still be alive now and certainly not vitally enjoying life, as if for the first time. I miss parts of him but those characteristics are within me, and for the parts that about killed me, well, they are gone. And the pain, any that shows up for missing him is trivial compared to the hollowness of his daily life.

I expect that we all will feel some degree of melancholy from time to time and mine give me time to pause in retrospect but I can't even begin to consider ever trying to accept the old life again. I wish you the best with wrestling through the old memories.

Tia Anne

Megan,

   I can look back on points in my past and see where I was happy too. Times like taking my girlfriend to our senior prom in a limousine before it it began to be the thing to do because I didn't drive then. My wedding day to that same girl. Or the births of my two children and hearing the first cries of my first grand child when she was born. All very good and happy memories with many more in my past too. But in it all there is that consistent wish to have been born a girl. It is what I have lost all those important things in my life for. I know what I'm doing is right for me but I'm not sure it is worth the cost. So yeah, I can understand the sadness you feel and hope the realization of your own wishes is enough to make you happy now.

Same thing happens with me.  I see pictures of my old self with a goatee and a shaved head and cringe when I see him.  That's not me any more.  I have to be happy.  I have to be me.  I had to make some hard choices and I'm happier now.  There are still some dark days ahead but at least I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Tnx all for the responses, there is such support here, and it's appreciated.
Sometimes I just need to voice my thoughts, to get them out of my head.

I've created a new thread that anyone is welcome to use for this purpose:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=230905.0

X.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

I've felt the same way about myself when I look back at old pictures.  I'm inc  I was an attractive guy, but always had the facade.  Even when I smiled it was forced.  I'm happier now even though Im not the lady I wish.  Going in this direction in transition has brought me so much actual joy.  I've met really nice people, I've been able to express myself as my true self for the first time.  I cry easily now and sometimes enjoy it.  I'm in the best shape I've been in ten years or more because I like myself. I never did an a man.  So even though my old male self had a lot going for him, I try to not miss him.

Bari Jo

I too forced smiles for the camera, Jimmy would probably be dead or in prison by now.

I've been struggling with this too.

I at first thought I wanted to go all the way, but similar feelings have made me feel more gender neutral or non-nonconforming.  I think being somewhere in between is more of my happy spot.

I definitely do not look much like a guy anymore although I have not come out to anyone aside from anyone on the "need to know" (eg. physicians) and my sibling...  Public restrooms...  My sibling came out to me... happens to be trans too, and not so much in the middle about it like I am.

Looking back on old photos is exciting for me.  I look way more like the way I want to compared to before.  The changes have been amazing!

These could be signs that you're non-binary, which is fine.

Quote from: echo7 on November 26, 2017, 10:40:32 PM
These could be signs that you're non-binary, which is fine.

Haha, an interesting thought! [emoji5]

I so wanted that to be the case, I could have kept my family together if it had been.

I may not be 100% binary, but I'm near enough. I'm very comfortable with a clearly female presentation all the time.

X




Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Hi Megan, I can understand exactly what you mean. I look back on travel photos with my wife and I see a happy guy. And it's true that I was happy during these moments, but there was always something deep inside that didn't feel quite right. I still live and present as male 100% of the time, but I am slowly transitioning. Seeing those photos makes me quite sad and often wonder what the hell am I doing? But now after nearly 3 months of HRT and progressing my transition, I am feeling an inner peace and happiness I have never before felt. That is enough to tell me that I am on the right path. I don't dislike my old self but I doubt that version of me would have been able to survive much longer. I was slowly dying on the inside.

It is upsetting that I have been essentially forced to let the old me go and pursue a new path as Jayne. It's that inner peace and happiness that is helping me move forward.

It probably makes it harder for you not being 100% binary. I have struggled with a similar problem. Like you, I do feel that I am mostly female and seeking a female presentation.

In the end, we can't live in the past. Life goes on and the path you are now on is helping to make you an overall happier person.

Reflecting with you......

Jayne

I hope you ended up feeling better :-)

Ellie xx

Quote from: EllieKHoult on November 27, 2017, 03:52:52 AM
I hope you ended up feeling better :-)

Ellie xx

I'm in a much better place now Ellie,  thank you. X

'Rollercoaster' really is the most accurate word for HRT; ups,  downs and upside-downs!

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Quote from: Megan. on November 27, 2017, 04:30:10 AM
I'm in a much better place now Ellie,  thank you. X

'Rollercoaster' really is the most accurate word for HRT; ups,  downs and upside-downs!

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Megan,

  I am glad that you are in a much better place. I will agree that this is one hell of a rollercoaster ride. hrt does jerk you left and right, throwing you for loops and playing with your emotions so hold on tight.
  My ride seems to have entered a dark tunnel and derailed there. I doubt it had anything to do with my HRT, though. I'm still strapped in waiting for help to arrive. I think they're busy elsewhere atm. lol
  I'm glad to see that you have gotten bacl on track and moving again.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Megan. on November 22, 2017, 01:58:05 PM
I had to look back at some old pictures for an unrelated reason and came across some of me shortly before my transition,  still looking very male.
It's made me very very sad [emoji853]. I saw a smiling,  good looking guy.
I tend to look forward,  and don't often reflect on the past,  but it was hard seeing that person who really has gone now. I wish he didn't have to go for Megan to be here.

Oh I know that feeling. Pics of me before transition keep popping up everywhere and sometimes I'm fine but others I'm like, that was such a good looking guy...with endless possibilities. And it makes me sad. But then I have to remind myself that this is what I need, and hopefully I will become a beautiful woman with endless possibilities as well.

Hang in there Megan :) you are not alone.