Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've always been scared to come out to my mum but I always thought she would accept me for who I am as she's told me before that she doesn't care who I choose to be as long as I'm a good person, and she supports me being bi. When I told her that I don't feel as if I'm a girl she shouted FINE YOU CAN BE A BOY BUT DONT EXPECT MY SUPPORT. She thinks I'm making myself a target and making myself look like a freak, I told her that I didn't just 'choose' to be a boy it doesn't work like that and now I'm just really at a low point in my life and I can't do this.

Oh no,  I'm sorry for the bad experience. Would some education for your mum help her to understand this isn't a choice, and that you'll hopefully be happier with this change?

Sending squishy hugs. X

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Quote from: Megan. on November 25, 2017, 12:07:42 PM
Oh no,  I'm sorry for the bad experience. Would some education for your mum help her to understand this isn't a choice, and that you'll hopefully be happier with this change?

Sending squishy hugs. X

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I'm not sure because she's extremely stubborn and she also believes that at my age (14) I can't make me own decisions on transitioning or anything like that and she chooses for me x

Often we are not accepted when we first come out. When that happens, it a matter of wearing the resistance down over time. Possibly your treatment will be slower than you desire because of the lack of support but with proper planning you can still make it happened. While my mother didn't reject me, it took her years to full accept my treatment. I did it by paying for all my own treatment and moving away from home to a city where the treatment I needed was available. I am sure you have the determination to reach your goal so all you need to do is plan out your future. If you need help deciding what to do, the people here will be more than happy to help.

Quote from: Dena on November 25, 2017, 12:26:42 PM
Often we are not accepted when we first come out. When that happens, it a matter of wearing the resistance down over time. Possibly your treatment will be slower than you desire because of the lack of support but with proper planning you can still make it happened. While my mother didn't reject me, it took her years to full accept my treatment. I did it by paying for all my own treatment and moving away from home to a city where the treatment I needed was available. I am sure you have the determination to reach your goal so all you need to do is plan out your future. If you need help deciding what to do, the people here will be more than happy to help.

Thanks, I really wish I could fully transition more than anything in the world.

At the age of 14 the best you could hope for was to be placed on a blocker. Normally they would wait until your are 18 before permitting you to start testosterone. The reason is while many of us have a set gender identity, that isn't true of everybody so the best option is to stop the puberty development while allowing the body to grow normally. When you reach 18 -  the age of majority and you are past all possible gender flips, you make the final decision on testosterone.

If your school permits it, you might be able to present male. In addition, you might see if your school has a consoler trained in LGBT issues. Many schools now offer this and it would be a way of receiving some therapy even if you mother is unsupportive.

Quote from: Dena on November 25, 2017, 12:38:45 PM
At the age of 14 the best you could hope for was to be placed on a blocker. Normally they would wait until your are 18 before permitting you to start testosterone. The reason is while many of us have a set gender identity, that isn't true of everybody so the best option is to stop the puberty development while allowing the body to grow normally. When you reach 18 -  the age of majority and you are past all possible gender flips, you make the final decision on testosterone.

If your school permits it, you might be able to present male. In addition, you might see if your school has a consoler trained in LGBT issues. Many schools now offer this and it would be a way of receiving some therapy even if you mother is unsupportive.

Yeah I don't know if my mum would ever let me go on hormone blockers though.

I may be way off base here, but ...

There's so much that can be read into the words you've stated that your Mom said.

My first thought was denial and guilt. Not to you, to herself. Give her time to process. Meanwhile do little things for yourself that aren't abrupt to her.

Hi Erintilly,

I'm sorry her initial reaction was not as positive as you would like but I believe patience will be the key... intitial reactions often are much more reactive and knee-jerk than the long time reaction once the person has time to process things...

When we come out to loved ones... parents in particular... they often have a preconceived notion of how they see your life unfolding and we are shaking that up to some degree or another... parents want the best for you and can easily think we are choosing a very hard road that will lead to suffering and being socially outcast... their concerns are coming from a place of Love in the end but that part might not be well expressed by them initially

She probably has a lot of gaps in her knowledge about what this all means for your future and is filling those gaps with her own worst fears

I would state your case in a way that demonstrates gentle but firm resolve and determination to move forward with making your life what you need it to be...treat her with gentle respect and patience... all will be well in time...

You CAN do this...

Wishing you all good things as you move forward and an amazing life that will be your own...



Onward we go

Ashley 😀

From my personal experience when you said that to her it sounds like a whim and something teenagers say 'just to be difficult'

Maybe write an email to her explaining how you felt in the past about your assigned gender, how you feel now about it and plans for the future. Then include some helpful links. This'll show her you've thought it through and that you're serious.

I'd also advice you to look for therapists who specialise in gender identity. Hopefully they'll be able to convince your mum this is real and that blockers are safe and the best thing for you right now. Looking for a therapist will show your mum you're mature and again have thought things through.

Quote from: erintilly14 on November 25, 2017, 12:00:57 PM
I've always been scared to come out to my mum but I always thought she would accept me for who I am as she's told me before that she doesn't care who I choose to be as long as I'm a good person, and she supports me being bi. When I told her that I don't feel as if I'm a girl she shouted FINE YOU CAN BE A BOY BUT DONT EXPECT MY SUPPORT. She thinks I'm making myself a target and making myself look like a freak, I told her that I didn't just 'choose' to be a boy it doesn't work like that and now I'm just really at a low point in my life and I can't do this.

Hi sweetie.
From a parenting perspective, it sounds to me like she is feeling challenged, and that you're trying to test the boundaries of what is acceptable in her eyes - it's very easy to misinterpret the initial anger created by concern as her actual position. In her minds eye, you are her daughter at present, trusted companion, that she is looking forward and wanting to spend bonding time with. This is the why our coming out process is difficult, because we are not only taking the possibilities of grandchildren away, but we are also removing the contentment of having a future to visualise together, to something that was never even thought about.
If you're feeling low, then us folk here will do our best to help, (although some of us have similar battles raging at the moment), but it would be best to see and talk to your doctor about it - they may suggest some medication, and they may also be able to suggest ways that you can explore how you can better work out where you sit in this glorious umbrella...

(Hugs)


Rowan

Quote from: Faith on November 25, 2017, 01:01:27 PM
I may be way off base here, but ...

There's so much that can be read into the words you've stated that your Mom said.

My first thought was denial and guilt. Not to you, to herself. Give her time to process. Meanwhile do little things for yourself that aren't abrupt to her.

Yeah I will, I hope she comes to terms


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Quote from: Sno on November 25, 2017, 02:25:41 PM
Hi sweetie.
From a parenting perspective, it sounds to me like she is feeling challenged, and that you're trying to test the boundaries of what is acceptable in her eyes - it's very easy to misinterpret the initial anger created by concern as her actual position. In her minds eye, you are her daughter at present, trusted companion, that she is looking forward and wanting to spend bonding time with. This is the why our coming out process is difficult, because we are not only taking the possibilities of grandchildren away, but we are also removing the contentment of having a future to visualise together, to something that was never even thought about.
If you're feeling low, then us folk here will do our best to help, (although some of us have similar battles raging at the moment), but it would be best to see and talk to your doctor about it - they may suggest some medication, and they may also be able to suggest ways that you can explore how you can better work out where you sit in this glorious umbrella...

(Hugs)


Rowan

Thanks Rowan, I've been thinking about going to my doctor but they have my mums number and if I made an appointment without her, I think she would be told I'm not sure. x


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Quote from: tgirlamc on November 25, 2017, 01:37:34 PM
Hi Erintilly,

I'm sorry her initial reaction was not as positive as you would like but I believe patience will be the key... intitial reactions often are much more reactive and knee-jerk than the long time reaction once the person has time to process things...

When we come out to loved ones... parents in particular... they often have a preconceived notion of how they see your life unfolding and we are shaking that up to some degree or another... parents want the best for you and can easily think we are choosing a very hard road that will lead to suffering and being socially outcast... their concerns are coming from a place of Love in the end but that part might not be well expressed by them initially

She probably has a lot of gaps in her knowledge about what this all means for your future and is filling those gaps with her own worst fears

I would state your case in a way that demonstrates gentle but firm resolve and determination to move forward with making your life what you need it to be...treat her with gentle respect and patience... all will be well in time...

You CAN do this...

Wishing you all good things as you move forward and an amazing life that will be your own...



Onward we go

Ashley [emoji3]

Thank you so much! x


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Quote from: Elis on November 25, 2017, 02:04:00 PM
From my personal experience when you said that to her it sounds like a whim and something teenagers say 'just to be difficult'

Maybe write an email to her explaining how you felt in the past about your assigned gender, how you feel now about it and plans for the future. Then include some helpful links. This'll show her you've thought it through and that you're serious.

I'd also advice you to look for therapists who specialise in gender identity. Hopefully they'll be able to convince your mum this is real and that blockers are safe and the best thing for you right now. Looking for a therapist will show your mum you're mature and again have thought things through.

I would love to go on blockers and I've been


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Quote from: Elis on November 25, 2017, 02:04:00 PM
From my personal experience when you said that to her it sounds like a whim and something teenagers say 'just to be difficult'

Maybe write an email to her explaining how you felt in the past about your assigned gender, how you feel now about it and plans for the future. Then include some helpful links. This'll show her you've thought it through and that you're serious.

I'd also advice you to look for therapists who specialise in gender identity. Hopefully they'll be able to convince your mum this is real and that blockers are safe and the best thing for you right now. Looking for a therapist will show your mum you're mature and again have thought things through.

I would love to go on blockers and I've been trying to gather useful resources to show my mum so she can become more educated and hopefully understand x


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Erintilly,
  Please don't panic over this. I remember being 14 many years ago, and it was very hard because of the lack of control of your own life. You must keep an eye to the long term. You will soon gain more control of your life. You have plenty of time to turn this initial reaction into something more positive. You will be able to surround yourself with people who do support you. Stay positive and don't let it get you down.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on November 25, 2017, 06:13:08 PM
Erintilly,
  Please don't panic over this. I remember being 14 many years ago, and it was very hard because of the lack of control of your own life. You must keep an eye to the long term. You will soon gain more control of your life. You have plenty of time to turn this initial reaction into something more positive. You will be able to surround yourself with people who do support you. Stay positive and don't let it get you down.
Moni

I'll try to stay positive I'm just scared.


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Quote from: erintilly14 on November 25, 2017, 06:14:24 PM
I'll try to stay positive I'm just scared.


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Sweetie, I'm 60 and I still get scared a lot. Don't feel alone. Just remember you can do this, you will do this. It is not easy but seek out support where you find it. (Coming here for one) It will be okay.
Moni

Erintilly.  Here are a couple letters of communication to parents to give you an idea of how to approach your Mum in your next conversation. I take it you are in the UK or Austrailia based on we don't call Mom's, Mum's here. Encourage your Mom to take you to a youth support group. It would be a big help to both of you. For you, just knowing you are not alone is a big confidence builder. For your Mom, interaction with other Moms to help her understand that her feelings are unjustified as this is a very real situation that she must address.
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Telling_your_parents      https://www.susans.org/wiki/Telling_your_parents_-_Part_II
Hope you can get her to join you. The road is hard enough without having to deal with parents reluctance. As a parent myself, my biggest concern is that my kids, live their lives, not mine. Best of luck to you sweetie.
Dawn

One things for sure, dont give up!! its hard to be patient, i know how it feels to want nothing more than to fully transition right this second, but no matter how long it takes for you to be able to do it it'll be worth it, with or without your moms support.

Quote from: HappyMoni on November 25, 2017, 06:19:04 PM
Sweetie, I'm 60 and I still get scared a lot. Don't feel alone. Just remember you can do this, you will do this. It is not easy but seek out support where you find it. (Coming here for one) It will be okay.
Moni

Thankyou Moni. x


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Quote from: Sawney1000000 on November 25, 2017, 08:51:58 PM
One things for sure, dont give up!! its hard to be patient, i know how it feels to want nothing more than to fully transition right this second, but no matter how long it takes for you to be able to do it it'll be worth it, with or without your moms support.

I won't give up. I want this more than anything in the world


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Quote from: DawnOday on November 25, 2017, 06:37:49 PM
Erintilly.  Here are a couple letters of communication to parents to give you an idea of how to approach your Mum in your next conversation. I take it you are in the UK or Austrailia based on we don't call Mom's, Mum's here. Encourage your Mom to take you to a youth support group. It would be a big help to both of you. For you, just knowing you are not alone is a big confidence builder. For your Mom, interaction with other Moms to help her understand that her feelings are unjustified as this is a very real situation that she must address.
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Telling_your_parents      https://www.susans.org/wiki/Telling_your_parents_-_Part_II
Hope you can get her to join you. The road is hard enough without having to deal with parents reluctance. As a parent myself, my biggest concern is that my kids, live their lives, not mine. Best of luck to you sweetie.
Dawn

Thanks so much this is so helpful!! x


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As the mom of a transgender daughter who just came out to me 3 months ago, my advice is to give it time with your mum.  I'm sure this is all new to her and she is going to need some time to adjust.  I think the best thing you can do is to keep communicating with her and try to help educate her, not only about what it means to be transgender, but also educate her about how you are feeling.  Good luck.