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Feeling a bit lost at the moment I know what I need to do to move on with transition but I keep having days where all I can do is curl up in a little sad ball while I wait. I know there are ways to make this happen faster but i can't really talk myself into the old 'Dam the torpedo feild! Full steam ahead!' mood. Kind of just want to rest for a bit. But if I do that I will just be making things worse for myself. To many complicated things to stress about not enough happiness to push me forward and I can't really get that push without getting over this hill.

Circular demotivation paradox detected send help.

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping, into the future.  ('70s song ref.  Bonus points if you can identify it.  Extra points if you can do it without Google.)

Each year, I get a year older.  By any reasonable estimate, I have already lived at least 2/3 of my life.  When I thought about that, and how it would be to live my remaining years as my old self, I felt a wave of horror.  That's when I knew I had to transition, I had to do it right away, and I had to make it happen as quickly as possible.

I remember that, when I was younger, the future seemed limitless.  It no longer does.  I am aware that there is a counter somewhere ticking down my days and years.  When it reaches zero, it's game over.  That's my motivator.

Transition is a joyful thing.  Yeah, it's frustrating and painful, but the purpose is joy.  See if you can find a bit of joy and hang onto it.  Find something that makes you feel good, like maybe underdressing or dressing part-time in private.  It can be a small thing, like getting your toenails done.  Anything that makes you feel good.  Then use that good feeling as your motivation to continue.

'Fly Like an Eagle', Google not required.

I saw a quote the other day...'The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now.' As others have said, transitioning is a marathon, not a race. Once you start just go at your own pace. The goal is to reach the finish line without pulling a muscle along the way. There are little things you can celebrate every day. One more quote I have come to embrace, 'Find Joy in the Journey'. Sometimes you have to look closely to find it, but it is always there.

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 14, 2017, 06:49:13 AM
'Fly Like an Eagle', Google not required.

We hava a winner!

There is but one way - forward. I saw an interesting little book years ago. One of those motivational ones. It was called 'The Present'. Basically boiled down it said the past is gone, learn from it. The future is yet to come, set goals. Stay in the present and make it happen. So that's what I do. Step by step, minute by minute stay right here right now. Do what I know I need to do and don't worry about the future till it happens.

In some ways I felt a similar way - the scale of transition and the time involved is so daunting you can wonder how and why to even start.

But what lit a fire under my ass was being mid thirties and knowing I won't have forever to enjoy my already less than stellar health. Some may laugh at this because they started transition much older than me, and say there's all the time in the world, but to me there is only ever tomorrow. I don't think that I will live a long time, or something may take it all away at any time. I can't sit and watch the minutes go by in life without being aware of the time. I heard that  Pink Floyd song Time as a young teenager and it terrified me back then, I pictured myself 10, 20 years on being equally terrified but having wasted that time... always aware of the tick tick tick like being stuck in some Edgar Allen Poe horror short.

The other reason was that the system that permits transition in my country on the NHS which is the only option I can currently afford isn't in the best shape either. The resources get stretched between more and more people every year. I said to myself if I don't get on with this I might wait so long there won't be any trans care left and I'll be stuck never being able to get rid of my chest etc. That was a thought more horrifying than facing up to the doctors and the system and just doing it. I had to get it done before they started implementing two or three year waits to get seen, or scrapping the trans care altogether.

I can take years to get into and out of particular moods and inclinations and this was something I could have sat and philosophized about for an entire lifetime if I had the geological timescale to play with. Unfortunately my body is human and too short lived for the timescale my brain likes to play on, logic and action had to prevail. 

I feel the same way lately and honestly what helps me is food and eating. Yeah I could eat better/healthier and I try but this is my comfort right now. Just find something, anything at all that will get you to the next pill/injection/patch and then when you get to it, do it all over again.

It's messed up what we go through, but like Viktor said, as long as we take the steps that's what matters now.

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Thank you all for your advice.  :)