Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey everyone. This is a topic about the feelings of anxiety, doubt and all that stuff that was triggered by getting back my glasses and I am having a hard time making any sense of it. Please help.

On November 20th my glasses got knocked off my face and from then until last night, i had to go without them as the lenses blew. At first it was awful, for days, weeks even my vision was blurry and i could barely read anything on the computer. Infact i had to focus very hard and squint and working at my job with small lettered screens was hard. Yet, i managed. For what it is worth, my eyes got tested in July and they are irregular shaped. After seeing for the best i ever have in years I lost the glasses. I was stoked when I found out they are to be picked up when I did last night. On the car ride there however, I got a powerful feeling of a doubt and anxiety cocktail I havent felt to this extreme in a very long time. I was questioning if my eyes were really that bad as I could still see and read somethings (large lettered signs, ect) and when I couldnt read something [properly I found myself putting a large effort into trying and seeing whatever it was and feeling like a fake if I couldnt. When I put the glasses on, I could see so unbelievably clear. I could read small letters without effort and things actually looked clear and cut yet, I couldnt bring myself to believe that they were for me until later. I walked out of the store putting my glasses on and off seeing if i could read things, again questioning my own reality. The exact same sensory feelings I had last year of doubting my identity i got over these glasses.

This is the same feeling I had for over a year regarding my gender. The trigger over glasses sparked something i still cant understand. Last year, or early this year it wasnt are my eyes that bad, am i a faker, is the DR lying to me, ect. It was what gender am I , correction it was I wish I was born female but I must somehow be some male i dont like tied with am i a faker, are the drs lying to me, ect. things that bothered me and still do like stubble were on an odd switch. If I was presenting male the dysphoria would kick into high gear and the only time i was anything remotely close to being happy was when I was drunk. When I was male and noticed these things like penis or stubble i would actually feel so low i would get sick, when i allowed myself as the female to come out I felt euphoria but soon after got sucked into a tail spin of doubt with finding myself thinking that everything male couldnt possibly be that bad, or my dysphoira of those same things kicked into high gear yet I couldnt stop fixating on them as they were ''male feelings'' so, i must of been a ''male'' which lead to me losing my mind at times. The truth is, after going through the ropes over a year everyday with this I decided to just live full time female. I did it more or less because ''he'' was killing me again, and I knew that living as myself though not easy, was a better way to be and since that decision I have had a much better life. 2017 has all in all been the best year probably since 2007, but whatever caused me great doubt over my gender seems to have not gone away, and manifests in other ways and looking back, has always been there. Whatever makes me either happy or just improves my standings needs to be met with doubt, and it is a feeling I still dotn understand comes from.

As some of you know I was diagnosed with mild (quite mild) autism spectrum, got anxiety disorders and the such. Yet as I learn more about myself and these things, i dont understand why the things that enhance my life and improve my capabilities are things my sub conscious runs from or something i get never ending doubt. If it wasnt gender, it was my glasses or when I do a good job and get praise I cant accept it, i must be a screw up and end up failing. I cant , still, find the method of my minds thinking and would love to get any advice as to why there is this extreme doubt over even the little things that make my life any better. Thanks!


For the record, life is much better. I am still living full time, got a job and am mentally able to work full time, people are by and large great and over all good vibes.. which is why i need to understand this mental scare.

When we are raised as boys, we are taught (intentionally or not) that we must be self-reliant.  Asking for help is not allowed.  Wearing glasses is "help".  HRT is "help".  So part of our upbringing has taught us that we are failing if we cannot "tough out" any situation.  So naturally when we see that we could struggle by without aid, we start to doubt ourselves.

Yes, I could have carried on without transitioning.  It would have been a gray, dull, hopeless existence, living a life of pretense, but I would have survived.  For a while.  I honestly don't know if I could have lived out my natural life span that way.  What kind of existence is that, choosing to suffer just because of some dysfunctional upbringing?

In life, pain is necessary, but suffering is optional.  Why would you choose the suffering of squinting and not reading fine print, when you can wear glasses and see well and comfortably?  Similarly, why would you choose the suffering of struggling to be someone you are not, when you can transition and live a happy life?

Yet somehow, we were taught that choosing suffering is more worthy.  That's BS!

I think it's perfectly natural to question, from time to time, whether this is real or not, or if somehow we're fooling ourselves.  If we are it's one hell of a trick, but then I say, well, you lived plenty long thinking you were something else and you didn't know the difference then either.  Last night someone close to me really just started an inquisition on me, doubting everything I ever said about being TG or how I got here and challenging if I was "really" TG and how did I know.  I thought I had this all sorted out and going back to try to give the other person the courtesy of an answer just threw me to the wolves.  In the end I thought "how do I know?".  It didn't take long to just evaluate what I'm really feeling and when I look at my boobs I think "Oh, there you are, that's what was missing", or I look at my hands and painted nails and realize how, for the first time I can ever remember, I'm thinking "hey, now those are MY hands".  It's easy to doubt at this stage, but it never takes me long recognize feelings that are as genuine as they come and that tells me this IS right.
Just try to ignore the noise and remember how you feel and you'll know the answer.   Toni

Ashley,

  Hey youngster if you figure out why you keep having recurring issues when all seems to be going good. Let me know it may work on mine. Different problems but just as befuddling. I read Kathy's response and it kind of sounds plausible. I hope you get back to just feeling and doing good soon. You are doing good  btw.


Hugs,
   Laurie

I can understand having triggers and doubts.  I still am plagued sometimes by past decisions.  Even some things that happened 30 years ago.  I still get the "test day" dreams too.  In short whenever I have doubts or feeling male, or feeling of am I really trans I look back at my list of things I have struggled with throughout my life.  Maybe make a list yourself. Write down each memory of your gd, or envy of women.  Keep adding to it for a couple weeks, add to it whenever something is new.  Then take the list and organize it chronologically.  I was surprised by the repetitive feelings, and by the long history.

I'm starting another list of what has made me happy over the past few years and a lot of it is gender affirming too.  Anyway, sorry to give you assignments.  It's just that these are the types of activities I do to help direct my thoughts.  Maybe they might help you also.

Bari Jo

My partner used to get away from everything that makes her good. She believed all that was either a lie or a trap. When we started dating it was hard for me to make her understand that I wasn't going to run away with the first guy that wanted to have sex with me.

She has suffered a lot in the past, things have gone terrible for her and she's been betrayed, left alone and mistreated by people she thought were close to her. After so many bad experiences, her head asumes that the pattern will continue, and as I said before, anything good in her life is either a lie or a trap, so she subconsciously keeps away from all the good things.

Maybe there's a similar process running in the background of your mind. You've had to tell yourself that you were male, not female for so much time that you subconsciously still trigger those questions. You subconsciously still try to convince you that you are a man, which of course collides with your true identity and disphoria happens. I'm not an expert, but rationalizing it when it happens is a good way to start. Each time you doubt who you are, tell yourself that those thoughts are not your own, it's your subconscious messing with you.

Thanks for the reply! i dont doubt gender so much as opposed to doubt everything that works. I was wondering what the mental gymnastics of feeling a need to run away from the good things.

Much love!