Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Well, I came out to my kids today. Didn't go well. Not because of the kids, but my wife. No, I didn't discuss it with my wife. If it was up to her, she'd lock me in the closet until I am locked in a coffin. Kids took it ok, supportive, be she wants to separate. sometimes I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I feel very bad now.

Coming out on Christmas day is really tough. It is typically an emotional day to begin with, but adding the stress and surprise of coming out can push people over the edge. I am glad your children are supportive, but not letting your wife know ahead of time was probably not a good idea.

Although it sounds like your wife was already unsupportive, once she calms down I would apologize to her. I would then explain to her why you though today would be a good day for your announcement. There may be nothing you can tell her that will change things, but it won't hurt to try.

It took my wife nearly eight months to accept my decision to begin transition, and that only came after a few trips to a therapist. She is still not happy about it, and I understand -- this is not what either of us signed up for when we got married. She knows that I love her and that I want to stay with her for the rest of our lives. Causing emotional pain to my wife was the last thing I ever wanted to do, but the pain of continuing down the path I was on was slowly tearing us apart.

Ultimately you need to do the right thing for you, so you can live your life by your rules. Sometimes we do need to compromise to keep others happy, but make sure what you gain by the compromise does not come at an unacceptable cost to your soul. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Trudie -  It is very frightening to lose someone you have invested so much time and love to. I felt much the same way. The kids were great, but Jo had a few issues. Now that she sees the stability that has come about under HRT we are looking at it as a win win. Most people cannot imagine what our lives have been like. Would we be more open and loving if we did not have to hide a part of us away. I get to do my thing most days and some days I do not but at least we are communicating. As to the kids, mine are grown but we live together because we are buying the house together. I truly hope things work out for you. The more we can get our spouses to understand, will be that much easier for others to learn that we are not weirdo's, perverts and sexual deviants. I have met many wonderful people in my search for myself. Don't give up because as much as we love our spouses. We have to love ourselves more.

I'm sorry about the situation with your wife.  I know the feeling.  If she's supportive but wants to separate there's a chance you can still be friends.  That's the situation with me except the divorce has finished.

We're still friend and do holidays together.  I know she thinks "I chose to transition." So it's difficult.

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eef, sad to read on such a day.  I feel for you.  I hope better can come for you.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Gertrude on December 25, 2017, 02:39:03 PM
Well, I came out to my kids today. Didn't go well. Not because of the kids, but my wife. No, I didn't discuss it with my wife. If it was up to her, she'd lock me in the closet until I am locked in a coffin. Kids took it ok, supportive, be she wants to separate. sometimes I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I feel very bad now.

Trudie!!!

I am so very sorry that you are feeling pain right now dear sister...From my vantage point, I see your children taking things well and showing support as a very good thing and bodes well for what your future with them holds!... Rejoice in that and let it give you strength...

Hugs and Love!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

Just feel I'll right now, sick to stomach.   Who said, and this too shall pass?


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Im sorry that your going through this on Christmas time i hope things get better for you

she's right in that I didn't discuss it with her, but it also came out with the discussion with the kids that they're all afraid to be honest with her. She sees her feelings as a rule that we have to follow and doesn't see herself in the situation, it's my fault. She's told me she's never been so hurt in her life and doesn't understand my self-righteousness. If I had discussed it with her, it probably wouldn't have happened. I love her, BUT she really needs to talk to a professional. Even with the kids opening up about their feelings about her didn't really bring any introspection on her part. Part of the reason coming out now was that all the kids would be there and my therapist has been challenging me with goals, one of which was to come out. He said if I didn't, I'd be in the same boat for the rest of my life. Right now I don't feel good about things. Maybe I am dense, but what's wrong with wanting to be authentic? I feel like I am doing something wrong for wanting to be happy and a better person, parent, spouse in my family and life. I'm tired of hating who I am. I can't go on being half a person.

Other than possibly the timing, I would argue that you did nothing wrong. At some point the band aid needed to be ripped off, now that you have done that you can keep moving forward in your journey. Your reasons are a mirror of my own. Hiding this all of my life was causing pain to myself and my family, and I finally realized we would all be better off if I transitioned.

Mentally you have probably just completed the hardest part of all, so I congratulate you!

Ironically, I will be coming out to my daughters within the next hour or so.  Hopefully they will be as accepting as your children are.

Gertrude,
You did the right thing coming out. It very often is a messy process that doesn't shake out for a while. Try to relax a little. You don't have control over how others handle your news, but if you handle yourself with class, being the best person you can be, at the end of the day, you can say, "I did the best I could. I was loving and supportive to my kids, and they must take it from there." If your kids fear being honest with their Mom, then this is not just about your news. Be respectful of your family. The thing is, you deserve respect as well. It is a difficult situation that no one who is trans asks to be that way. It is who we are, and it is not a reason to condemn us in any way. Give it some time.
Moni

My rule of thumb - never bring any potentially disturbing news around Christmas, birthdays or anniversaries. Even if you have the right to do it, you'll feel bad for spoiling fun on a good holiday.


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Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 26, 2017, 09:44:51 AM
Other than possibly the timing, I would argue that you did nothing wrong. At some point the band aid needed to be ripped off, now that you have done that you can keep moving forward in your journey. Your reasons are a mirror of my own. Hiding this all of my life was causing pain to myself and my family, and I finally realized we would all be better off if I transitioned.

Mentally you have probably just completed the hardest part of all, so I congratulate you!

Ironically, I will be coming out to my daughters within the next hour or so.  Hopefully they will be as accepting as your children are.

Let us know how it goes.


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Quote from: elkie-t on December 26, 2017, 10:45:49 AM
My rule of thumb - never bring any potentially disturbing news around Christmas, birthdays or anniversaries. Even if you have the right to do it, you'll feel bad for spoiling fun on a good holiday.


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As I found out


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Everyone has an opportunity to grow and learn from this. It's also a perfect time for counting what you DO have rather than what you don't:

"Kids took it ok, supportive"  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

The kids taking well does mean a lot to me. They are part of me and I of them. I am thankful I have them and in my life. Maybe this journey will make me a better parent too.


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Quote from: HappyMoni on December 26, 2017, 09:49:49 AM
Gertrude,
You did the right thing coming out. It very often is a messy process that doesn't shake out for a while. Try to relax a little. You don't have control over how others handle your news, but if you handle yourself with class, being the best person you can be, at the end of the day, you can say, "I did the best I could. I was loving and supportive to my kids, and they must take it from there." If your kids fear being honest with their Mom, then this is not just about your news. Be respectful of your family. The thing is, you deserve respect as well. It is a difficult situation that no one who is trans asks to be that way. It is who we are, and it is not a reason to condemn us in any way. Give it some time.
Moni

Wise Words from a wise woman!!! Time will bring resolution and things will settle where they need to be!!!

Hugs to You Trudie!!!!

Ashley Marie ❤️

Heck Trudie,

   I can't add anything useful to you in light of what's already been said so I'll shut up and send you a virtual hug.

         (((((((HUG))))))

Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on December 26, 2017, 11:20:58 PM
Heck Trudie,

   I can't add anything useful to you in light of what's already been said so I'll shut up and send you a virtual hug.

         (((((((HUG))))))

Laurie

Thank you Laurie. On the plus side, she started talking to me today. That's a good sign. Her main complaint is that I didn't discuss it with her, but she doesn't see the reason why. Most of the kids told her they're afraid to tell her things and she digs her heels in. Still not open to therapy though. The kids want to go as a family, but she won't.


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If it is any consolation, I know that pigheaded stubbornness... Yes I am talking about in myself.

Trudie,

I, like the others here, are both sorry for the challenges you're having with the Mrs. And proud for your successful coming out to your daughters.

I liken coming out to close relationships akin to cleaning out the garage.  You make a huge mess all over the lawn and then put it all back neatly.  In the end, you will have a cleaner more functional garage but boy, what a mess we make doing it.

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Quote from: Denise on December 27, 2017, 09:13:13 PM
Trudie,

I, like the others here, are both sorry for the challenges you're having with the Mrs. And proud for your successful coming out to your daughters.

I liken coming out to close relationships akin to cleaning out the garage.  You make a huge mess all over the lawn and then put it all back neatly.  In the end, you will have a cleaner more functional garage but boy, what a mess we make doing it.

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I agree for the most part. It depends on ones circumstances. I've seen some never get things together again and there are some that it works without bumps or anything real bad. Support is a big deal. I remember reading Jennifer Finney Boylan's book and it struck me on what a difference his sister in law made, who was a lesbian minister. If she didn't have her sister in law in her life, I don't think it would have gone so well. The kids were great too. Most of us don't have that kind of support. In my case, I broke the ice as it were, and put a course and a heading in the navigation system. I don't think it will be full steam ahead, but I won't be stuck where I was. It occurred to me that part of it is making a decision and showing the we're comfortable with who we really are. I wonder maybe some need to understand we're serious and committed to authenticity. Some day these worries and travails won't exist when being trans will just be another expression of what is human to those that aren't trans. The other thing that's been hitting Home with me and it's not only with trans issues, is that never underestimate the amount of ignorance and even stupidity of the public. I don't mean that in a condescending way, but one of surprise.


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Went to therapy on Thursday. He was happy for me, said it went well. He's really encouraging change for me. He had some surprising words about my wife.  He usually isn't that animated.


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