Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Reflecting on the past and how it all relates is an interesting pastime. It is a bit like going through memories of the dentist, 'Yes that one in 88 was a goodie, three extractions and a filling; I wonder what this year will bring?' Whatever arrives it will be unexpected, unwanted and probably painful. Somehow we survive and keep on going.

Sometimes I think that dealing with the past is beneficial for our therapists as it keeps them in employment but I wonder if it is useful for all of us.  Most of my past is not for reliving and certainly not for analysis. I survived it, somehow, and that part of life is best left there.

The future is another matter and I spent time over the last week thinking of the future. I survived 2017 by medical intervention and aided by the willpower and prayers of many people on this site supporting me during my cancer surgery.
I have never been a religious person, that was abused out of me, but I re-read  my Cindy's Cancer Blog and in particular about the days when I was having surgery and the outpouring of goodwill, pray and love.
It was palpable and humbling.
How and why anyone would care about is hard for me to accept; that such love and support came from people who I have only met online brings me to tears of gratitude. How the medical team found room to operate is a mystery, as I had Angels, Spirit Guides and Healers all with me during those dark days.  And with that sentence I most certainly mock none and embrace all with loving gratitude.

I read the line from Sue around the 22 March "Cindy's on-line" and I recall feeling so pleased that I could reach out and let those I love know that I was Ok. I also think that I immediately went back to sleep and didn't wake up for another day – mission accomplished!

Life changes very quickly and I lived the life of a patient with the oncology group that I used to be part of, an experience that I wish on no one and one that should be shared by all who work in the area. Settling back into life has been odd.  Recovery has been slow, faster than my medical team expected and slower than I want, so possibly about normal. I have high expectations of myself and there is always a danger with that attitude. Failing to accomplish my goals can plunge me into despair, luckily no longer into depression, although I have waltzed with that at recent times.
What do I do with myself? I have had to give up my career, my attempt at returning was an abysmal failure as I realized that the brain damage from radiotherapy was more extensive than I realised.  My inability to concentrate for any length of time became obvious and I fooled no one and most of all not me.
There is also the elephant in the room of no vocal cords.

So where do I go from here?

I am most fortunate in so many ways; one is possibly unexpected and stands out to me whenever I have bad thoughts. I chose life.

When I was diagnosed with cancer I was told that surgery had to be immediate. I refused and said what is Plan B?
There wasn't one so it was made up: three rounds of chemo and nine weeks of radiotherapy. I was warned not to go through with it.  I did.

When it failed I was told quite quietly and with no pressure. "We can organise palliative care and supportive chemotherapy or surgery, it is your choice." How long will I last? "You probably will not see the end of the year"

I chose life.

Yes, the skill of the surgical team, your prayers and well wishes, remote healing, Angels and Rituals all played their part.

But I chose life.

Once I made that call there was no going back, no flinching, no fear (well a bit) and no hesitation.

"Cindy's on-line."  Yep I'm awake, been there done that, get better now and deal with it.

So where do I go from here? She repeats.

I've been adrift about that. I tried to go into hiding and that didn't work. I told Sue that I wasn't able to be Admin any more as it was all too hard; she told me to pull up my big girl pants and get to work. I wake up in the middle of the night worried and my lovely GM's tell me to go back to sleep (naming no names). So obviously this place is pretty important to me.

So I need a bucket list.

Mmmm I need ideas

1.   Bring a dear friend over from the USA in March. It was cancelled from last year lets see if we can do it this year.
2.   Hold a Photography Exhibition of my Works (now that is a challenge I'm a total amateur and a lousy one)
3.   Go to the USA and visit friends (when the Government changes), if I have any who want to see me. I have a sister in Idaho I am fond of.
4.   .....
5.   ......
6.   ......
7.   .....
8.   .....
9.   ......
10.   ......

I finished 2016 with a pain in my throat and the knowledge that the cancer was there. I look to the end of 2017 with happiness and the drive for future accomplishment.
I survived 2017 and I live, I am grateful for that.

I know that many are struggling and that despair is deep and that hurts me more than most ever know but please choose life; there can always be a Plan B.

Love to all for 2018

Cindy

Cindy,

We're proud of you. Maybe this time the message is starting to sink in a little. Advice that I will no doubt have to heed myself in 2018.
2017 has been tough, no doubt about it, but (small victories) despite your triggering me, I managed to make it to the end of your post. A long time ago, I had a mantra. It's very simple, when things don't go to plan, then your obviously not following the right plan, and there are always other options. 2018 will be your year of other options.

For me, it holds some trepidation, I've no doubt I'm going to do some exposure therapy on my triggers, and I've a lot of work to do on myself, coping with the diagnosing and then subsequent treatments as I try to rebuild this leaky old boat, it may actually truely be the first thing that I will have done for myself, yes, possibly ever.

So 2018, I will cast off. We have the start of a route planned, and a lot of reparations to make. How much and where the journey will take me, I have no idea, but the beauty is in the journey, not the destination.

Fair winds and following seas, may your 2018 adventures be plain sailing.

Rowan

Cindy,

I'm soooo glad you chose life, the universe would be a lesser place without your tireless determination.

I've spent more than three years working with my therapist, though it's only a monthly touching-base thing these days. We don't really cover my past much and never have, I'd always prefer to live looking forwards than back.

As for bucket list stuff,  here's some ideas:

-set a world record in something
-skydive/bungee (if fit to do so?)
-start or support an existing charity in some way
-start a new career (ceramics, weaving,  painting)
-restore a classic car (are you a car fan?)
-start a small business (coffee shop?)
-travel (see the world)
-visit the UK (there's a big squishy hug waiting for you)

Wishing you a wonderful 2018,  and success in whatever you do. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

I'm going to try and answer as I receive before bedtime comes.
(in blue)

Quote from: Megan. on December 30, 2017, 05:17:43 AM
Cindy,

I'm soooo glad you chose life, the universe would be a lesser place without your tireless determination.

I've spent more than three years working with my therapist, though it's only a monthly touching-base thing these days. We don't really cover my past much and never have, I'd always prefer to live looking forwards than back.

As for bucket list stuff,  here's some ideas:



-set a world record in something
posts on Sue's ?
-skydive/bungee (if fit to do so?)
I'm terrified of heights so I took up indoor climbing but my shoulders were buggered by surgery. I was going to skydive but now can't (neck breather). I've been working out at the gym to get the shoulders working so rock climbing is till an option. I've always wanted to climb Yosemite and Suicide Wall on Snowden (yep nuts)
-start or support an existing charity in some way
I've run the cindyjames foundation for years. Only those who need it hear about it
-start a new career (ceramics, weaving,  painting)
Photography but never wedding photos!!!
-restore a classic car (are you a car fan?)
I drive a Mazda MX5 2017 very quickly with too many demerit points
-start a small business (coffee shop?)
Involves work
-travel (see the world)
-visit the UK (there's a big squishy hug waiting for you)
Was going in 2016 and then the big C, family all dead now. Any one to visit???

Wishing you a wonderful 2018,  and success in whatever you do. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Love and thanks Hon.

We are glad you chose life, Cindy.  That's what we do here: we are here because we chose life or because we want to choose life. That makes you a role model for all of us.

Bucket list items: +1 on the skydiving.  As a former pilot, I would never jump out of a perfectly good aircraft, but my brother-in-law went skydiving for his 75th birthday.  If you don't want to wait until the US government changes, you could always visit Canada.  ;)

Quote from: KathyLauren on December 30, 2017, 06:52:41 AM
We are glad you chose life, Cindy.  That's what we do here: we are here because we chose life or because we want to choose life. That makes you a role model for all of us.

Bucket list items: +1 on the skydiving.  As a former pilot, I would never jump out of a perfectly good aircraft, but my brother-in-law went skydiving for his 75th birthday.  If you don't want to wait until the US government changes, you could always visit Canada.  ;)

I would love to visit Canada. It is seriously about the only country I would be interested in visiting, except for friends sake. Now if Canada and Australia were crossed we would have big bouncy polar bear roos. Mmm not sure about that.

Cindy,

I don't know how to say it, other than you are SPECIAL and it is great to have you around this wonderful place sharing your life, and guiding us.

May the higher power, whoever SHE may be, keep an eye on you.

Emily Renee

PS:   IF and when you come to the US, I would love to meet you in Miami.  Don't forget!

Quote from: Emily R on December 30, 2017, 08:11:03 AM
Cindy,

I don't know how to say it, other than you are SPECIAL and it is great to have you around this wonderful place sharing your life, and guiding us.

May the higher power, whoever SHE may be, keep an eye on you.

Emily Renee

PS:   IF and when you come to the US, I would love to meet you in Miami.  Don't forget!

Thank you Hon.
I will get my map of America and start pencilling in places.
This is going to be fun. Miami is close to .... Hawaii?....mmm Florida? Mmm .. is it cold or warm? Cold is less than 30C hot is more than 45C.
:-* >:-) ;D

You need to listen to news less. Very little changes in a person's day to day lives as the Presidency changes hands. There is a rising tide of acceptance in this country among the people. Here in Massachusetts our rights are enshrined in law. Come visit us. Oh, by the way, it was -17C here yesterday. 8)

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 30, 2017, 08:52:32 AM
You need to listen to news less. Very little changes in a person's day to day lives as the Presidency changes hands. There is a rising tide of acceptance in this country among the people. Here in Massachusetts our rights are enshrined in law. Come visit us. Oh, by the way, it was -17C here yesterday. 8)

Hugs, Devlyn

Ahh so that is why marshmallows are solid?
That Hon is not a temperature habitable by a human. How can one wear a bikini for lord's sake?

Quote from: Cindy on December 30, 2017, 08:42:13 AM
Thank you Hon.
I will get my map of America and start pencilling in places.
This is going to be fun. Miami is close to .... Hawaii?....mmm Florida? Mmm .. is it cold or warm? Cold is less than 30C hot is more than 45C.
:-* >:-) ;D

Make a stop in the SF Bay Area.  It's a Mecca of progressive thinkers with a wonderful climate and friends of yours.

Hugs, Jessica

Quote from: Jessica on December 30, 2017, 09:15:41 AM

Quote from: Cindy on December 30, 2017, 08:42:13 AM
Thank you Hon.
I will get my map of America and start pencilling in places.
This is going to be fun. Miami is close to .... Hawaii?....mmm Florida? Mmm .. is it cold or warm? Cold is less than 30C hot is more than 45C.
:-* >:-) ;D

Make a stop in the SF Bay Area.  It's a Mecca of progressive thinkers with a wonderful climate and friends of yours.


I've been to SF, I stayed at a hotel in Union Square I think it was called.
Hugs, Jessica

Quote from: Cindy on December 30, 2017, 09:25:49 AM
Make a stop in the SF Bay Area.  It's a Mecca of progressive thinkers with a wonderful climate and friends of yours.


I've been to SF, I stayed at a hotel in Union Square I think it was called.
Hugs, Jessica

If it was at the St. Francis, you could have seen me 20 years ago, 20 stories up remodeling the exterior.

Quote from: Jessica on December 30, 2017, 09:36:56 AM

Quote from: Cindy on December 30, 2017, 09:25:49 AM
Make a stop in the SF Bay Area.  It's a Mecca of progressive thinkers with a wonderful climate and friends of yours.


I've been to SF, I stayed at a hotel in Union Square I think it was called.
Hugs, Jessica

If it was at the St. Francis, you could have seen me 20 years ago, 20 stories up remodeling the exterior.

Facing the sea. Old building on the left, needed remodelling then, ye 20-25 yrs ago. A large drunk man approached me and pushed a beer bottle into my chest and asked if Sydney  Harbour Bridge or the Golden Gate was better.Told him I was from Adelaide and couldn't give a name of the day.

     Cindy your post was beautiful reflecting on the past is natural I agree looking to the future is the thing to do since life gave me pause to reflect I am doing the usual  things getting my affairs in order etc. but mostly looking ahead retirement is no longer a goal but an opportunity to do more for myself but mostly for others as I am finding this gives me as sense of well being and purpose that I have never found anywhere else
      If you make your way to Canada I would love to meet you and give you a great big hug

     bobbisue :)

Cindy...I appreciate your story as I too know what a blessing life is. I was given five years after my '93 surgery. That was 25 years ago. In the interim I've raised two beautiful children and have welcomed a new Granddaughter. Life is grand and I am so happy my mind is unclouded of what I didn't understand.
One of the greatest places I know of to vacation is San Diego California. You can even get an all over tan at Blacks Beach if you want to. The view from the Cabrillo monument on Point Loma of the entire San Diego cityscape is so stunning. Sea World is there but I never found it held my attention more than a few hours. Ahh But Balboa Park is amazing including THE zoo and 17 museums. Like entertainment? Visit the Gaslight district. Home of Jim Croce's of Bad Bad Leroy Brown fame. He was the impetus for rebuilding this run down district of downtown.  A visit to Old Town is a visit to outstanding Mexican food. With the light rail and outstanding bus service most everything is accessible by public transportation. It will even take you to Tijuana for some haggling and Cerveza.  Best of all is the 70 degree weather That's 21 Celsius, year round. It seldom gets lower than the mid 50's which still is better than the -17 outside Mall of America. Feel like a kid? Drive a few miles up the road to Legoland also the Wild Animal Park. Feel like Golfing? There is the local town of jet setters in La Jolla also  Aquarium? Go to Scripts Institute. We even went to Point Loma to view the World Sailing Championship from up on the bluffs. It's also a great place to see migrating whales passing by. The Star of India is a sailing vessel docked in the downtown harbor. They used to have open visits to navy vessels but I don't know if they do that anymore. But the Tall Ships visit San Diego harbor every year. Horton Plaza shopping center at the Grant Hotel downtown. Had my first Cinnabon here. yum. You can visit Bing Crosby's Corona Del Mar horse race track also the location of the county fair I didn't intend a tour guide but do you get the idea that San Diego is a great place to visit. Whatever you decide, have fun and enjoy life.

Dearest Sister Cindy

" I Chose Life "

In my experience, always the good choice... Even when it is the hard one... It is the choice of a hopeful heart and, when we chose life... Others will know the power of choice and hope because they will see it in us....

I would love to see you have your photo exhibition, or at least a preview of it, right here in a "Cindy's Photos" thread!!!

Wishing you a new year of amazing discoveries and unexpected joys...

Hugs and Love,

Ashley 😀💗🌻

Hi Cindy,

I am glad you made it through 2017. You are an inspiration and I sometimes think back on your Ikea story and the story about getting flowers and a note when you had your car serviced. You have a huge impact on people, perhaps it is all the hurdles you have overcome. I would buy a book about your experiences, challenges and tenacity.

Here is to 2018. Whatever you choose I know you will do it well.

If you come to the North East of the USA I will find you :) Oh, Philadelphia will be a balmy -13 degrees C New Years morning and I will be in the woods hiking with my 60 pound pack. Oh I stayed out of the park today due to snow :(

You are Awesome Sis, a "Top Shelf" individual always welcome at my door

So glad you came along

Love you

Hugs

Oh Cindy;

I just burst into tears reading your Blog. I just want to give you a big Hug! You are such a wonderful person and of course I have had the wonderful honour of meeting you in Adelaide. As then you were such an inspiration to me. You will probably not remember this moment, but when we were eating in that restaurant in Glenelg, I went to the Ladies and afterwards re-did my lipstick and told you that I had a double take as I caught my side profile in the mirror and thought it was another woman and was shocked that all of a sudden I could see my female self.  You said Judith you are a beautiful woman already and I can see it ,so can everyone else!. Such inspiration from a truly beautiful person.

Someone sent this to me over Xmas:

This is to inform you that our beloved  friend  and  well  known  *Mr 2017* is retiring on the 31st of this month.

His 12  wives, 52  children  and  365  grand  children will be attending the grand send off on Saturday the 31st  December  at 23 59 Hrs.

However,  his  family members  asked  me  to  inform  you  that  he  is retiring with  *ALL  your  problems,  sickness, disappointment, frustration, shame,  disgrace,, discouragement, failure,  and rejection.*

Yet,  his  successor - *Mr  2018 asked me  to  inform  you that,  he  is  going  to  compensate  you  with : *Long life, good  health, abundant  blessings,  peace, joy,  righteousness, promotion, uplifting, breakthrough,*

*Seasons Greetings and Lots of Love*

JudithLynn

Wow
So love these inspirational posts. Ive been off work for the last 6 weeks after my last melt down (not for 30 years), almost cost my Wife's thumb as she fought (and sons) the knife off me, trouble is after 50 years I still hide too much and too deep. Calmed down before the Police (armed) arrived so didn't get sectioned... Just DRI Hospital for 8 hours waiting.. GRR NHS... Still waiting for the Dr's to prescribe the hormones they promised..  but after 3 months of promises no meds  (was 6 Mths self before) I am loosing a bit of faith. Thing is I can remember the melt down - I sort of telescoped out and saw what was happening from a long way away. Unable to affect anything at all  - just drifting away..
I think I was due to die that day.
Still have doubts about transitioning but I cant live any more as my AMAB, too much doubt and ashamed of myself
But there again I don't give a care, but its all so fluctuating..
Head is so screwed up sometimes. if everyone went away I think I would be ok - I suppose I hold too much to other peoples expectations of me ,
Well
HugZ
Katie

Hope you understand this a bit -I don't
>:-) >:-) >:-) >:-) >:-)

Cindy,

  I am glad that you chose life too and are still here with us. Sometimes that is a hard decision. Some may not understand that because they have never had to make that choice. Some have to make it too many times. For some the pain of living is just too much, their despair and depression just too great. Our hearts break for those that didn't choose life. There would be a great number with broken hearts had you not chosen to live.

  I am but one of those glad that you chose life.

Love,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on December 31, 2017, 01:02:51 AM
Cindy,

  I am glad that you chose life too and are still here with us. Sometimes that is a hard decision. Some may not understand that because they have never had to make that choice. Some have to make it too many times. For some the pain of living is just too much, their despair and depression just too great. Our hearts break for those that didn't choose life. There would be a great number with broken hearts had you not chosen to live.

  I am but one of those glad that you chose life.

Love,
  Laurie

Thank you Hon. I spent the day with Rebecca and I made the right decision. She would be alone without me and I cannot have that.
Cancer is just a word. Words don't scare me.

Cindy, I just read your opening post in web view. For some reason Tapatalk only displayed the last two paragraphs so I missed what you wrote.

You are an incredible human being. You are an inspiration not only to trans people but to anybody that has ever faced any kind of adversity in their life. (ie.  the entire world).

When you had your surgery, I was in a very fragile mental state and in the middle of deleting and reinstating my account here at Susan's. I was too absorbed in my own self destruction to offer you support, which I am deeply sorry for. But I was reading your cancer blog holding my breath waiting for news of how your surgery went. "Cindy's online!" Were 2 words that allowed the entire Susan's community to start breathing again.

Thank you for choosing life. You make a real difference to people's lives. The world is a much better place with you in it.

You are AWESOME!!!!!

I hope 2018 goes a little easier on you.

Jayne

Quote from: Cindy on December 31, 2017, 01:08:47 AM
> Cancer is just a word. Words don't scare me.

Now that is a quote.