Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've tried to be patient, but it's hard. I pay most of the bills in my home and I am the only professional living in my home which consists of me, my girlfriend of 6 years, my two kids from a previous relationship (now 18 in college & 16 a junior in high school). My girlfriend's kid from a previous relationship (16), a four year old we had together, and my dad, who has been sleeping on a futon in my basement for the past 7 months since he lost his apartment and then quit his job.

I first Came out in 2009 to Parents, Kids, Friends and Co-Workers. I found that the reality of transition to be overwhelmingly hard if not impossible to accomplish at that time and gave up. A couple years later I meet a girl that I fell hard for and accepted some of her mental health issues since she was in therapy and she seemed supportive of the idea that I tried transitioning in the past and that I wasn't sure if it would come back again. 2013 comes and I have a second urge to transition but once again it was too hard since our four year old had just been born, so I gave up again. Third times a charm right? In 2016 I try again and this time I succeed in getting on hormones. I begin living full time for almost two years now. 2018 comes and I finally have my name change signed by the judge in hand.

When I mention the gender marker change, my girlfriend freaks out and seems surprised that I would change it. Ummmm... seriously? Where has she been? Why does she think I've been injecting female hormones for the past two years?

What's odd though is that she is the only one in my home that uses the correct pro-nouns, but I'm starting to suspect that it's just lip service. I feel really disrespected by everyone around me. I know it's hard for my family members, but I would think that after 8 years of being out and two years living full time I've been patient enough. But then again, perhaps I should always tolerate my kids using whatever pro-nouns they want? Or should I teach them it is respectful to use correct pro-nouns?

I feel like moving out on my own and focusing on self care but my life situation feels precarious and I'm not sure what to do. I really don't want to raise our four year old in separate homes with reduced resources. I've spent 18 years doing it already with my first two. But I think I've run out of patience and that it might be wise to move out for my own physiological well being. I need some time to be my own woman and celebrate it it. Of which there has been almost no celebration to date only sadness of the loss of the male me.

I can understand this! I am totally on my own and have been for some time. I have been transitioning since March of this year and came out to everyone in July. My family is the same way mom seems supportive-ish, but doesn't use my name or pronouns. I get it 37 years they have known me one way and this was buried deep in my soul to be shared with no one. She was ready to kill me coming out!!!!! The only family member that is somewhat supportive is my sister right now and she uses my name and everything. So it saddens me too. Should I give them up? I don't think so just have to understand family is going to be family now moving on your own will afford you some less grief and not having to deal with it. I am not going to tell you one way or the other to go but, happiness in life is important and does matter. We don't need added stresses at all! So just pro and con it out to see how you want to do it!

Hello Bearburpgirl,

My ex wife and our 20 year old daughter do not use my legal name or refer to my legal gender. My ex is making settlement on 1/15 and our daughter will live with her. So I guess for me at least it is a mute point. My brother in Law still dead names me. But since I see him very seldom I guess it does not matter. I have been in transition 5 years. I know your pain.

I am sorry you are going through this. Have you had a serious discussion with the family? I would make sure they knew how misnaming and misgendering you hurt you and how serious you are that if it does not stop then you are thinking of removing yourself from the insults in order to stop the pain.

Having become quite bused to being gendered correctly for such a long time, I think I would have a cow if someone slipped up.

Well. You are paying the bills. And they have known you are transgender since 2009. So this continued misgendering is abuse. I'm sorry to be blunt but it is.  Could you maybe see a family therapist with the intention seeking help from them in making a plan to find healthy ways to calmly confront your family?
I think that as transwomen we tend to naturally gravitate toward being the beta in relationships and avoiding confrontation when it seems to be clearly indicated here.

Sorry to hear of the lack of respect you're getting, that's not fair.  No reason that in your house you can't be the Alpha female, don't think for a minute that women don't establish a pecking order.  Someone else a while back mentioned they used a simple clicker every time someone in their family addressed them inappropriately to get the point across.  Have a meeting, tell them what you require and find a non lethal way to get them to show some respect.  This is exactly the kind of thing Julia was talking about, if you haven't read her "resolutions" post.  Good luck, Toni

BeerBurpGirl,  It was hard for me when my family wasn't using my correct pronouns and preferred name.  I basically had to tell them that they were hurting me and that I didn't appreciate them mis-gendering me and using the wrong name.  My mom and her husband told me that they didn't think I wanted them to use the correct name and gender yet because I hadn't specifically asked them to do so.  I was like yeah after 7 months I think it's about time.  The only person I give a pass to is my ex-wife everyone else needs to use my name and pronouns.  Fortunately, for me since that talk they have made an effort to get it right.  Have you communicated your wishes to those around you?  If they don't respect that request then there is something deeper going on and they don't respect you like you suspect. 

Hi BeerBurpGirl

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with your family. Names and Pronouns are tough but I have to say after all this time I understand why you feel disrespected. It does not sound like anyone is even really trying. I think you certainly have a right to ask them to use your correct pronouns,

I think you need to find a way to make your wishes known, You are certainly entitled to be respected if for no other reason than you pay the bills and without you they don't have a place to sleep or eat. I would probably be as gentle as possible with them as you still have to live with them. I think we can live in fear of losing people so we don't always stick up for ourselves for fear that we could potentially lose someone.

I hope you can work it out