Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been out to myself since April. My presentation is very feminized male, except at work where it's merely somewhat feminized male :). At one of my jobs, I'm known by my female name. I finally got the money together, and later today I'll be giving my lawyer the go-ahead to file for my legal name change, something I've been looking forward to for a long time. I always hated my deadname, even before I knew I was trans.

Today, my car didn't start, and I ran around dealing with auto shops and auto parts salesmen -- traditionally male venues. I don't usually spend much time in such venues; and it struck me suddenly that, very soon, when I deal with guys like this, I'll be dealing with them as *****, a female-only name, even though I still present male. And I felt threatened; and *that* scared me. How, I thought, am I going to deal with this in the very near future?

Just in case there's any doubt, there's no question of my not going through with this. But I'm a little apprehensive, nonetheless. Has anyone else dealt with this, or something similar?

I think most of us have dealt with this at some point.  Really, the only thing to do is to move on forward and own it.  You are Ann Marie, proud trans woman, and even if your presentation is not yet what you want it to be, it is what it is, and you have every right to go and get your car fixed.

The biggest thing is not to act like prey.  Acting like prey brings out the predator in other people.  If you go into a venue trying to avoid people's gaze, making yourself small, hiding in corners, and generally giving off a vibe that you are afraid of being attacked, you attract the attention of those who might attack you.  Instead go whereever you go with your head up high, boobs out front (whether or not there is anything there: imagine if you have to), and behave like you have every right to be there, because you do.

Hi AnnMarie🙋‍♀️ Kathy is correct about predator and prey.  Holding your head high and confident is how you show others you are in control of yourself.  Not giving in to your fears is hard, but most of society is more concerned with their own life issues to really care about yours.  The ones that do care are more than likely cowards and will only harass people who seem timid and unsure.  Of course, there are places and times to avoid, as much as any person.

Smiles, Jessica 💁‍♀️

Quote from: AnnMarie2017 on January 05, 2018, 02:21:12 AMToday, my car didn't start, and I ran around dealing with auto shops and auto parts salesmen -- traditionally male venues. I don't usually spend much time in such venues; and it struck me suddenly that, very soon, when I deal with guys like this, I'll be dealing with them as *****, a female-only name, even though I still present male. And I felt threatened; and *that* scared me. How, I thought, am I going to deal with this in the very near future?

This is very much on my mind right now, too. The old familiar haunts where the male-knowledge assumptions applied no longer feel particularly safe. I'm full time, but have been limiting myself to the big box, impersonal Home Depot style hardware stores, where they leave you alone unless you ask for help. Those, unfortunately, are 1/2 hour away, as opposed to the two small ones right here in town, where their aim is to greet you at the door and walk you to the stuff you're looking for. Even when I was presenting male, they were almost annoyingly over-helpful. Now, holy smokes, not only do I expect to have to endure "mansplaining" (my friend Cassie had to deal with that recently, though she knew far more than the guy), but I'll have to actually speak to someone, and my voice... hoo boy.

So yeah, I get it! But I'm also taking to heart Kathy's advice, and pumping myself up to just own it. I'll be fine... I think.


- Stephanie

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 05, 2018, 08:06:04 AM
I think most of us have dealt with this at some point.  Really, the only thing to do is to move on forward and own it.  You are Ann Marie, proud trans woman, and even if your presentation is not yet what you want it to be, it is what it is, and you have every right to go and get your car fixed.

The biggest thing is not to act like prey.  Acting like prey brings out the predator in other people.  If you go into a venue trying to avoid people's gaze, making yourself small, hiding in corners, and generally giving off a vibe that you are afraid of being attacked, you attract the attention of those who might attack you.  Instead go whereever you go with your head up high, boobs out front (whether or not there is anything there: imagine if you have to), and behave like you have every right to be there, because you do.

Awesome advice.

Thank you, Kathy, Jessica, Steph & Charlie. I will be taking your advice to heart.

Funny, I didn't anticipate this before now. I guess I've been so focused on the result that I sort of forgot at least one side issue, lol. :)

Kathy's advice is solid.  Although, it's hard when you have anxiety.  I've been full time for a little over a year now, and I still get, "sir'd" all the time.  I hate it so much. 
I also get incredibly nervous when I take my car in for service now-a-days. People stare and judge, but honestly, that's on them.  I guess, I'm lucky because I'm tall and heavily tattooed, so men don't USUALLY mess with me too much.  But I must admit that I've only gone to the lumber yard like twice since coming out, and I was really scared to go in (been going there for years). 
Anyway, it's an adjustment for sure.  Good luck with everything and have a beautiful day :)

Also, congratulations on getting the legal name change process started!!!  That's major!  I did my name and gender marker at the same time.  The waiting was awful, but when my court date came, my wife and I went together, and it was one of the greatest days of my life. 

Kathy's advice is, as usual, dead on. You need to own being you and not be timid.....but, as Steph mentioned, you will have to put up with lots of mansplaining. They don't know that they are doing it and they really can't help themselves. You will need to patiently listen to their attempts of helping you and then you will need to either accept what they are suggesting or stand your ground and insist on what you think you need. Dealing with things in such man space is one of the worst parts of my being out and alive. But then there are times when you can own the show. I just love strutting into a Harley shop and own my space while watching the guys drop their jaws and stare.

Tia Anne

I  love to flirt and get men's advice. It very close emotionally to sex if it is done well.

Before starting my transition I was afraid of that point also. I survived by presenting male even when my appearance screamed "female". I started presenting as a woman only some time after I was 100% sure I could pass. Maybe that's not an option for someone who hates presenting as male though....

Ladies.  Mansplaining is something men do to women.  Embrace it.  We are getting there that they feel the need to explain stuff to us, even if we know as much or more than they do.  Be nice and say Thank you Sweetie.  Blow them a kiss.  It is a win.

Quote from: JulieOnHerWay on January 07, 2018, 06:16:44 PM
Ladies.  Mansplaining is something men do to women.  Embrace it.  We are getting there that they feel the need to explain stuff to us, even if we know as much or more than they do.  Be nice and say Thank you Sweetie.  Blow them a kiss.  It is a win.

I had a guy explain to me how to scan and remove security tags off of an item at my retail job. I had that job 3 weeks already and had done this over 100 times already. I thought he was making a joke out of it, or pranking me so I went along. He was serious and thought I was too. In my head I just thought it was a good way to kill time and since he was handsome I didn't mind him being close to me lol

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Oh yeah, happens all the time.  It's more of an annoyance than a danger.  I wouldn't worry about it.  Just politely let them know if you're feeling uncomfortable... 98% of the time, they didn't realize they were doing anything wrong.  Some people are just a bit dense.  Rarely is it meant to be demeaning/degrading... and infinitesimally small chance of it getting agressive.  If an interaction goes to agressive, you'll find that the public has a very low tolerance for it and it will be over before it starts.  I get nervous sometimes, but that's why I carry.  Its not a Trans thing, not a Girl thing, it is an ->-bleeped-<- thing.... There are those people in the world that mean others harm.  Doesn't matter who you are or what you look like.  However, luckily there's a .45 for that.  :)

Quote from: Harley Quinn on January 07, 2018, 06:36:30 PM
Oh yeah, happens all the time.  It's more of an annoyance than a danger.  I wouldn't worry about it.  Just politely let them know if you're feeling uncomfortable... 98% of the time, they didn't realize they were doing anything wrong.  Some people are just a bit dense.  Rarely is it meant to be demeaning/degrading... and infinitesimally small chance of it getting agressive.  If an interaction goes to agressive, you'll find that the public has a very low tolerance for it and it will be over before it starts.  I get nervous sometimes, but that's why I carry.  Its not a Trans thing, not a Girl thing, it is an ->-bleeped-<- thing.... There are those people in the world that mean others harm.  Doesn't matter who you are or what you look like.  However, luckily there's a .45 for that.  :)

45 for that....

357 Magnum babykins :)

Quote from: Cali on January 07, 2018, 06:40:00 PM
45 for that....

357 Magnum babykins :)

;)  depends on the occasion...  there's a different accessory for every outfit. 

Okie Dokie

If you know what parts you need for your car, look up the parts numbers. If they ask why or how you know which parts you need, tell them you have a mechanic in the family.
Where I live, it's easy most of the time. I tell them the year, make, and model of the vehicle, what's going on, and I get the part. Luckily, the hubby is a good friend of a mechanic that is a far cry better than the mechanic in my family.