Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey y'all,

so.. I was wondering if any of you have been struggling with the same thing I have, namely not knowing what to do with yourselves after everything is said and done. I honestly cannot figure out what I should do, where my life is going, nothing. I transitioned early, and ever since my life has always been about the next surgery. Now that I have completely arrived, so to speak, I don't know what to do. I might have corrective SRS with Dr Kaushik because I hate dilation, but other than thatI feel.. lost. Anyone else experienced something similar?

Isabella,

You just now asked the most important question all post-op ladies need to address. Remember, you only changed 3% of your body and your outward appearance may be different, but you are essentially the same person.

You must decide on your own future. Do you have a career or vocation that will keep you busy? What about personal relationships? First you must know which way you swing, so to speak, then go for it. Some of us feel a need to contribute back to the transgender community. Since others have helped us, many of us want to help others. Pass on our knowledge and experience. On the other hand, maybe deep stealth is for you.

These are things only you can decide for yourself.

This is what we longed for and now go live your life the way it was meant to be.

Hey,
I remember feeling the same nearly a year and a half ago when I reached the same point in my transition as you. I also realised I'd become a bit tunnel visioned and put a lot of other problems in my life on the back burner. I ended up feeling a tad overwhelmed after surgery and had some major post-surgery depression.

It was about a year ago though that I kinda realised, I am finally where I want to be in life. Things aren't perfect but who has a perfect life. I kinda felt optimism in the fact that most things I will now face in my life, are problems that most cis people will face. I'm presently at university heading towards a career in secondary education and sometimes I feel i have always held back from concentrating on anything else due to my transition. I decided to throw myself into my life, my career and just enjoying myself. And sure, as I said, life isn't perfect but I'm finally just facing regular everyday problems. I'm quite content with that. I feel able to just concentrate on so much more now and not having to plan while remembering i have this appointment and "Oh I hope to have surgery around this time". I no longer need to place my life on hold.

My best suggestion is, just live your life now. What career do you want? What are you aspirations? I know last year I got some counselling to work through this stuff. Maybe that would be a good idea.

Life. Life is what's next.

Trans surgeries aren't an end unto themselves, but merely the means to re-establishing a state of mental equilibrium. They're just like treating a cold, or the flu. When you are sick that sickness impacts your ability to live your life. But once the sickness is over, it's over, and it's like it never happened. Post-surgery, something that used to be a source of persistent distress for you, which hindered you from being able to enjoy the things that you enjoy, has been removed. Your life doesn't revolve around coping with it any more.

So go enjoy life! Go do the things that you've always wanted to do. Travel. Do hobbies. Make friends, go to parties, whatever. That's what's next. Whatever you make of it.

Me myself, I'm working on my lifelong dream of trying to make the Magic: the Gathering Pro Tour that I used to have in high school but never previously followed up on.

Quote from: IsabellaSwan on January 07, 2018, 06:43:16 PM
Hey y'all,

so.. I was wondering if any of you have been struggling with the same thing I have, namely not knowing what to do with yourselves after everything is said and done. I honestly cannot figure out what I should do, where my life is going, nothing. I transitioned early, and ever since my life has always been about the next surgery. Now that I have completely arrived, so to speak, I don't know what to do. I might have corrective SRS with Dr Kaushik because I hate dilation, but other than thatI feel.. lost. Anyone else experienced something similar?

Isabella,
   I am wondering if it has been long since you 'finished up' with surgeries. There is a certain feeling of having a mission or a purpose when transitioning. Once much of the fear is behind you it is really quite an adventure this transition thing. I have enjoyed much of it believe it or not. Once that mission is no longer there, so is the security of having that purpose. I think it is on to the next project. It probably would help to get the focus off of you. Helping someone else is certainly a good way to feel good about yourself.
Moni

Transitioning gets you to the starting line, not the finish line.  From the starting line, your life truly begins. From there, you're faced with the same questions and dilemmas that every other cis person has to come to terms with... "what is the meaning/purpose of my life, and what do I need to do to fulfill that?" 

To live your best life, and enjoy your new body and self!

I'm going to get a better job, marry my BF, and hire a surrogate. (That's the only option as far as kids). I'm 35. I started transition when I was 30. Or, something like that. The latter item is my new goal, though the second one comes first, since it leads to the third. Or I could fall apart.

I do feel directionless but I love my BF and realize the pure beauty and luck in that. I do need a better job. I wanna travel, sleep in a car, my BF and me. 

BTW, this has been my life goal. Like since i knew it was possible after watching Sally Jesse Raphael when I was eight or something. But, when I was 21 when was I made long term plans. So, this was everything. I can't believe how well it worked out. I deserve it. It's my half-life.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on January 08, 2018, 12:57:48 PM
Life. Life is what's next.

Trans surgeries aren't an end unto themselves, but merely the means to re-establishing a state of mental equilibrium. They're just like treating a cold, or the flu. When you are sick that sickness impacts your ability to live your life. But once the sickness is over, it's over, and it's like it never happened. Post-surgery, something that used to be a source of persistent distress for you, which hindered you from being able to enjoy the things that you enjoy, has been removed. Your life doesn't revolve around coping with it any more.

So go enjoy life! Go do the things that you've always wanted to do. Travel. Do hobbies. Make friends, go to parties, whatever. That's what's next. Whatever you make of it.

Me myself, I'm working on my lifelong dream of trying to make the Magic: the Gathering Pro Tour that I used to have in high school but never previously followed up on.

HEY! You prolly don't remember me and I have a new screen name and stuff, but I remember you and you look great. We started transitioning around the same time. You used to worry about passing (as we all do!) and I know it's taboo, but you look amazing and I just needed to say that.

I think people start transition with a set of goals, a path of execution, and predetermined steps.   If you are a very goal oriented person when this is all 'finished', you might feel restless, rudderless, without a purpose to life.

So make new goals? Find a new purpose?  Get involved with an exercise club, become friends with some families and hang out with them.. pick up a new hobby.  Fill that void in your life that transition left.

In other words... live life.

Transsexing was next.

For me, that involved moving to a new location and practicing non-disclosure.  Developing new female friendships.  Getting a boyfriend.  Getting a new job.  Developing new interests (and exploring a few older ones, too).  Regardless, it was all social.  Being out in the world, just as another woman, learning what it really means to be a woman in this day and age. 

Learning what it meant to be myself.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on January 15, 2018, 06:07:33 AM
Transsexing was next.

For me, that involved moving to a new location and practicing non-disclosure.  Developing new female friendships.  Getting a boyfriend.  Getting a new job.  Developing new interests (and exploring a few older ones, too).  Regardless, it was all social.  Being out in the world, just as another woman, learning what it really means to be a woman in this day and age. 

Learning what it meant to be myself.

First time poster here - I pretty much took the same route as you after my SRS in late 2003 with regards to non- disclosure.  I was tired of the whole "out and proud thing" (especially since I transitioned in a workplace with 700 people - most of whom knew me, since my job as a Quality Engineer put me in touch with a lot of people).  Sure I had a lot of people who supported me, but there was all too often that air of that I wasn't a woman (which I of course am), but a "trans".  There was also the hassle I'd had, where I was almost fired 3 months before my surgery for getting seen leaving a seldom used Ladies Room (the HR manager [who had worked at a company, where he had experience with another pre-op MTF, and as a result, knew what he could get away with legally], wouldn't let me use the Ladies Rooms, or even designate a Unisex bathroom, forcing me to use a Men's Room, that had the lowest usage).  I told myself before my SRS, that I would leave my old workplace on MY terms not theirs (I was not about to quit in a huff [like an old friend of mine did in 2000], and wind up destitute).  This became an even stronger internal chant for me when I went back to work in January 2004, to be told that there was now a Unisex bathroom I could use, but that I still couldn't use the Ladies Room (ugh!).  So, in short I put the job search into high gear, and waved bye-bye to my old job (surprisingly, my coworkers threw a pizza party for me on my final day of work!), taking a job in another city, that I still have today.

As others have mentioned, SRS is just a goal in life (albeit probably the most important one to us).  After you have it done, life still goes on.  How driven you are by other goals, depends upon your personality.  Me?  I still have goals, though with my long work hours, lack of time, energy, and money, they are tempered by realism.  For instance:

1.  I'd love to find Mr. Right, but hey I was 40, when I finally (barely) had the money for my SRS to be done, and once you hit 40 (and even moreso at my present age of 54), dating and marriage (it would be the first time for me - I've never been married) can get tough.  All too often it seems like unmarried guys my age are either gay or they're creeps.  Still, in recent times, I find that I am once again contemplating getting back in the dating game, despite the slim pickings.

2.  Ye Olde FFS - while I look OK (passing was not much of a problem for me), I wouldn't mind looking better.  Last month I even paid Dr. Zukowski a visit (he's just a 75 mile drive from me), and was quoted what it would cost for me to have major FFS (above and beyond the nose job and trachea shave I had when I had my SRS) .  It's doable but for mega financial pain for me.  Also, as I alluded to earlier, I've been working at my present job stealth for almost 14 years.  Considering the hullabaloo that occurred back in early 2014, when got I severe dermatitis (one of my coworkers said I looked like a burn victim - my dermatitis is immune system based, since I've had it occur at places all over my body if I touch an allergen), that resulted in a misdiagnosis (after a secondary flare-up of dermatitis) of scabies (my primary care doctor made the diagnosis [I couldn't get in to see my dermatologist]), that I inadvertently told my coworkers about, and they blabbed out to umpteen different people (which raised enough of a ruckus that I got called into the facility manager's office for a major chewing out), do I want to try to deal with explaining to people at work, why I look like the victim of a major car crash after having FFS?  Not so sure about that.  I have to do a lot of thinking about it.  I can't afford to get fired from my job, because of a mega ruckus caused by me having FFS.

There are other goals/things that I'd love to do, but hey, l need to be realistic about those too.  I think most of us realize that with regards to goals once we are post-op.

In short though (after a long, rambling intro/talking about my goals in the context of the thread), I do feel I need at least some goals in life post-surgery (even if it's something relatively minor, like saving for another guitar), after all (and probably most of us who had SRS are like this) I don't want to just drone/coast my way through life, since I'm still kind of a driven person personality-wise (IMO, you have to have a driving personality, to achieve having SRS, considering how much effort it takes financially to afford it).

My 2 cents worth,
Ellen

Quote from: EllenJ2003 on January 16, 2018, 07:45:09 PM
First time poster here - I pretty much took the same route as you after my SRS in late 2003 with regards to non- disclosure.  I was tired of the whole "out and proud thing" (especially since I transitioned in a workplace with 700 people - most of whom knew me, since my job as a Quality Engineer put me in touch with a lot of people).  Sure I had a lot of people who supported me, but there was all too often that air of that I wasn't a woman (which I of course am), but a "trans".  There was also the hassle I'd had, where I was almost fired 3 months before my surgery for getting seen leaving a seldom used Ladies Room (the HR manager [who had worked at a company, where he had experience with another pre-op MTF, and as a result, knew what he could get away with legally], wouldn't let me use the Ladies Rooms, or even designate a Unisex bathroom, forcing me to use a Men's Room, that had the lowest usage).  I told myself before my SRS, that I would leave my old workplace on MY terms not theirs (I was not about to quit in a huff [like an old friend of mine did in 2000], and wind up destitute).  This became an even stronger internal chant for me when I went back to work in January 2004, to be told that there was now a Unisex bathroom I could use, but that I still couldn't use the Ladies Room (ugh!).  So, in short I put the job search into high gear, and waved bye-bye to my old job (surprisingly, my coworkers threw a pizza party for me on my final day of work!), taking a job in another city, that I still have today.

As others have mentioned, SRS is just a goal in life (albeit probably the most important one to us).  After you have it done, life still goes on.  How driven you are by other goals, depends upon your personality.  Me?  I still have goals, though with my long work hours, lack of time, energy, and money, they are tempered by realism.  For instance:

1.  I'd love to find Mr. Right, but hey I was 40, when I finally (barely) had the money for my SRS to be done, and once you hit 40 (and even moreso at my present age of 54), dating and marriage (it would be the first time for me - I've never been married) can get tough.  All too often it seems like unmarried guys my age are either gay or they're creeps.  Still, in recent times, I find that I am once again contemplating getting back in the dating game, despite the slim pickings.

2.  Ye Olde FFS - while I look OK (passing was not much of a problem for me), I wouldn't mind looking better.  Last month I even paid Dr. Zukowski a visit (he's just a 75 mile drive from me), and was quoted what it would cost for me to have major FFS (above and beyond the nose job and trachea shave I had when I had my SRS) .  It's doable but for mega financial pain for me.  Also, as I alluded to earlier, I've been working at my present job stealth for almost 14 years.  Considering the hullabaloo that occurred back in early 2014, when got I severe dermatitis (one of my coworkers said I looked like a burn victim - my dermatitis is immune system based, since I've had it occur at places all over my body if I touch an allergen), that resulted in a misdiagnosis (after a secondary flare-up of dermatitis) of scabies (my primary care doctor made the diagnosis [I couldn't get in to see my dermatologist]), that I inadvertently told my coworkers about, and they blabbed out to umpteen different people (which raised enough of a ruckus that I got called into the facility manager's office for a major chewing out), do I want to try to deal with explaining to people at work, why I look like the victim of a major car crash after having FFS?  Not so sure about that.  I have to do a lot of thinking about it.  I can't afford to get fired from my job, because of a mega ruckus caused by me having FFS.

There are other goals/things that I'd love to do, but hey, l need to be realistic about those too.  I think most of us realize that with regards to goals once we are post-op.

In short though (after a long, rambling intro/talking about my goals in the context of the thread), I do feel I need at least some goals in life post-surgery (even if it's something relatively minor, like saving for another guitar), after all (and probably most of us who had SRS are like this) I don't want to just drone/coast my way through life, since I'm still kind of a driven person personality-wise (IMO, you have to have a driving personality, to achieve having SRS, considering how much effort it takes financially to afford it).

My 2 cents worth,
Ellen

Ellen,

Welcome to the site. I am so sorry we were way behind in getting a welcome back to you.

I am attaching  some links that give you welcome info, a caution and general rules of the site. Please give them a look.

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)	Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)	Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html)

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Jacqui

Quote from: Jacqueline on February 09, 2018, 02:16:17 PM
Ellen,

Welcome to the site. I am so sorry we were way behind in getting a welcome back to you.

I am attaching  some links that give you welcome info, a caution and general rules of the site. Please give them a look.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)	Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)	Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html)

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Jacqui

Thanks Jacqui.   :)

Ellen