Susan's Place Transgender Resources

For almost 10 years I have assumed that I am a trans woman, however recently I have begun questioning my gender again. My therapist told me to look into forums and get insight into other peoples perceptions on their own gender. What was your eureka moment? Do you still feel that way? Have you ever questioned yourself and what made you question yourself?

Thank you all in advanve for your time!

What's making you question it?

My eureka moment actually came while reading introductions at Susan's Place. I had occasionally cross-dressed for most of my life, probably starting around 11 or 12 years old. I bought women's clothing on a regular basis for decades. I rarely got the courage to wear them, but I continued to buy them. Something just made me feel better by having them. I also had anger issues most of my life. Sometimes my frustration and anger would turn onto rage several times a month. I would destroy things, punch holes in walls, berate my wife, etc. Many of the intro posts at Susan's contain these elements, and one day it finally hit me. I suddenly realized that I had found the source of my darkness. I cried for the first time in years. They were not tears of sadness, sorrow, or shame, they were tears of happiness, joy, and relief. I finally understood. I had discovered the truth that I had been suppressing from everyone, even myself. I had been living my life under a set of rules that were not designed for me. I had been living my life as a male, hiding my female soul in a pit of darkness. It was a few months before I was able to start on HRT, but it only took a few months of HRT for my anger to be replaced by joy. I still get angry, but not the raging anger that had haunted me most of my life. I look back at the person I was, and I am ashamed. I never want to be him again.

I think the defining moment for me was a period when my family went away for a month. For the first time in years I had time to think about me. I realized that all the busyness and frequent frustration came from avoiding the central issue. I wasn't living as I really needed to. The need for exercise to the point of collapse and almost impossible challenges passed. After starting on hrt I found equalibrium for the first time in decades.

For years, I wondered if I could be trans.  And always, I managed to talk myself out of it.  But about two and a half years ago, I attended a lecture by a scientist who happened to be trans.  Seeing a trans woman, respected in her profession, deliver a fascinating talk, and seeing no negative reactions in the audience broke through my "weirdness" barrier.  Being trans was something that a normal, respected person could be, without being the butt of sick humour.

That was my eureka moment.  It led me here to Susan's Place, where I investigated further and confirmed my lifelong suspicions.

Along the way, I have faced fears, and I get frustrated jumping through hoops, but I have experienced no doubts at all.  Oh, I get the occasional "WTF am I doing?" moment, but the evidence is clear that I really am trans, and the moment passes quickly.

What I have experienced instead is joy and self-confidence.

What kind of doubts are you having?  How can we help?

I had been occasionally dressing since I was fairly young.  I stopped at 15 as the result of some treatment I received after being caught, but its started again about 10 years later.

At age 32, I was interviewing folks for an engineering position.  The interviews ran all day with everyone on the team separately interviewing each candidate.  At the end of one day, I was talking with a candidate while the rest of the team was meeting to decide if they should make an offer.  The candidate was in transition, and unfortunately had a strong 5 o'clock shadow.  I remember sitting there telling her about the different activities employee groups did, when I found myself thinking "She's so brave.  I wish I could do that."

My subconscious had just outed me to myself.

I was married with small children, and didn't want to bring any harm to them, so I decided to try and suppress this.  I managed to do that for about 30 years, but still learned everything I could, including lurking here a number of times.  I finally broke down in 2016, and now, here I am.

I had always kind of known. So did my peers. From all the trying to fit in, I fought it with every fiber of my being. It took a former best friend to talk to me about things he noticed, before I ever really considered it. Once I thought good and hard about it, there was no going back.

There are a few points that are each sort of their own Eureka moments for me... The big indicator looking back was being 10 and going to sleep in tears praying I'd wake up as a girl. My catalyst for dealing with the issue came 25 years later, and was nothing specific, I just sort of woke up one morning at the beginning of last August and a life time of repression hit me and I just sort of said to myself "Aw crap, now I've gotta add being transgender to my list of things to deal with". Still wasn't at the admitting I was pure binary mtf transsexual woman, that moment came later after I read story after story after story after story on this forum that pretty much was my life down to the minutia. Then the big deciding factor on whether or not I needed to actually transition was when I bought a full set of my own wardrobe for the first time, covered up my beard shadow with makeup, tossed on a wig, and looked into a mirror. That moment was just... wow. That was that.

In response to why I'm questioning my gender, I don't feel the same intense urge to be a woman like I did when I was in high school and college. I understand these feeling can fluctuate from time to time, I've just never had such a long time before. I also feel uncomfortable when presenting as a woman. I don't know if thats because its difficult, if its a jarring change, or maybe it could be that I don't like presenting female. I don't really know whats going on with myself anymore.

Thank you all for taking the time to write out your responses!

Hey I know a thing or two about doubts. Heck nearly two years ago i totally gave up on my transition for a short period of time, granted that was less me wanting to do it and more just giving up on myself. It took time to understand who I am, and I can confirm I am female. Perhaps you are too, or maybe non binary?? Youre pretty in anycase ^.^