Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Last night, I realized that I need to be me, Morgana, if not full time, near full time. The dysphoria was causing panic and insomnia. So, today is my first official day of being full time me, or at least as near full time as I can manage. Could any of you who have taken that step a while ago and been...being your authentic selves full time offer some advice ? I'm in fairly new territory here and any advice or insight would be helpful. Thanks much.

Just do it. It gets easier every new day, every new place.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Morgana on January 11, 2018, 08:43:40 PM
Last night, I realized that I need to be me, Morgana, if not full time, near full time. The dysphoria was causing panic and insomnia. So, today is my first official day of being full time me, or at least as near full time as I can manage. Could any of you who have taken that step a while ago and been...being your authentic selves full time offer some advice ? I'm in fairly new territory here and any advice or insight would be helpful. Thanks much.

Hi Morgana!!!

My name is Ashley!

First, welcome aboard sister... Congrats on day one of a new life, finally your own!!!

You are seeking advice, so I will offer some!... Enjoy every moment!!!... You have spent a lifetime hiding... The time for hiding the truth you have carried inside you all this time is over dear sister...

Do not place obstacles, born of fear, in your own path...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

Move forward in your life holding hope in your heart for all that will come of your choices!... you are on an amazing journey like no other... Do not focus solely on what you may view as the destination for each step in this journey holds joys and lessons unto itself...

There will be challenges but, always remember they can all be successfully navigated... remember also, that you have a great resource here, in this place... You have sisters, always ready to help with the challenges and celebrate your victories!!!

I offer a passage from Walt Whitman's "Song Of The Open Road" .... To me, it speaks of the place you now stand in your journey...

From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently,but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

I'll just pass on a comment my therapist made, and after 4 months full time, I've seen this is very true.

Most people are so wrapped up in their own little world they don't pay much attention to what's around them. If you act naturally, not all nervous and paranoid, most people won't even notice you.

I've taken this to heart and gotten to the point that I just go about my business. I no longer care what people think of me. After all, they're strangers.  I most likely will never see them again.

Stacy

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

For whatever it's worth, I've documented my going full time and my Real Life Experience over in this thread: An update on me... (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,215456.msg1907455.html).

As others have mentioned, most folks won't even notice us, being too wrapped up in their own worlds, as long as we don't draw attention to ourselves.  Wildly inappropriate dressing or hair won't do.  You'll want to blend in. 

I still regularly park myself in a coffee shop and people-watch for an hour or so, looking at details of how women dress, hairstyles, movement, and such, and I try to fit myself in reasonably well.  I do like to dress well, and neatly, so I tend to go for that sort of appearance as displayed by older women.  I don't normally do the sneakers, culottes, and sweatshirt look popular with older women at the mall, though. ;)

I've been doing it for a few months anyway but here's what I try to remind myself:

1.  Confidence is key.

2.  Cis people are generally clueless.

3.  Most people really don't care. 

4.  You are still learning and will screw up now and then: learn from it.  This is the most important one.

One big thing I needed to learn quickly was that EVERYONE looks at you when you're a woman.  It's not because you're doing something wrong, quite the opposite.  Other women will look at you, guys will look at you, creepy guys will stare at you.  Girls look because they're curious about the competition, guys look at any female, and creepy people just do their creep thing.

As for the 3rd point, it really is true that the general public really has way bigger things to worry about than not so little ole me.  So unless I'm doing something really outlandish to draw attention, they'll typically only register me enough to keep from bumping into me in the store. 

Of course knowing all of this in theory doesn't make taking the step any less terrifying.  It was scary at first, and yes I made mistakes.  Try not to be crushed by slips, try to learn from them.  You'll find yourself getting better and better at the whole woman thing faster than you think.

Hi, Morgana.  Congratulations on going full-time!

The best advice I can give you is to just enjoy being you.  You did this to feel good, so give yourself permission to feel good.  Yes, It will be scary at first, but you'll pretty quickly find out that most people won't notice you, and the majority that do won't mind.

Women often make eye contact with one another, and, when they do, they usually smile.  So smile back.  It's like a secret handshake in the sisterhood.  Don't make eye contact with men unless you need to speak to them. 

In washrooms, nod, smile, and say Hi to women in there.  Don't be surprised if they stike up conversations.  It's not weird like it would be in a men's washroom.

You will probably encounter uncomfortable situations where your ID doesn't match your presentation.  Just relax and have fun with it: "Hmm, it says here that your name is <deadname>."  "(Smile, chuckle) Oh, right.  I guess I'd better get that updated soon."

Relax, have fun, enjoy it.  This is what you endured all those years of dysphoria for.

One of the big things I have learned is to adapt to your environment. Watch and learn, try to find a style of women around you you like and go with it. It took me quite a while to find "my style" which I would today describe as a "adapted Lands End". Most women where I live are "soccer mom's", so I tried to learn from their outfits for day to day clothing. The real idea is to blend in. If you do not draw a lot of attention on you, no one really cares.

I did start much more gradually, mostly to not overwhelm my wife and working home office made it easier. I was also traveling a lot on business where I could then wear my business attire (pencil skirt or pantsuit). I had to inform customers before showing up in full female attire to avoid confusion, but they had seen me with nail polish for a while.

First thing was that I started replacing my jeans and sweaters / t-shirts. After a while I added skirts and dresses. Now, a good 9 month in, I only have an emergency stack of male clothing left but I still have to catch up on adding more female items. 

One other advice I can give: If you have a good cis female friend or partner: Ask them for help, review and advice. Almost like a Mentor. My wife is a bit more conservative when it comes to clothing so occasionally I have to change before allowed out of the house (or I just go) wince she things what I wear is too revealing. I think she is just worried that my outfit would draw too much attention and in the end expose me.

Morgana,

Every piece of advice here is right on. Some review bullet points:
* Fear is real but it's all in your head.  Take a breath and realize no random person cares.
* Dress appropriately.  Don't wear a dress to the grocery store on a Saturday morning.
* In Make-up less is more.  We are not in the fifties anymore, be subtle.  Look around.
* Be age appropriate in all things.  If you're 60 don't hang out in dive bars or roller-rinks.
* Try to find a group.  In Chicago there is a group called T-Fem.  We meet twice a month.  It's just a group of 10-25 that get together and talk.  Some of us are full time, others are just trying to figure out that they want.
* Find one or two cis female friends who personify the type of woman you would like to portray.  Either ask them straight out for help, my 4 friends jumped at the opportunity, or just observe.
* To blend in means no more man-sprawling.  Act like a lady. The hardest thing for me is I always (ALWAYS) held the door for people.  My cis-female friends tell me to stop it.  Don't let others in front of you to be polite.  It seems rude but it's the girl rule.
* Always, ALWAYS, wash your hands with soap and water in the restroom.  Woman topically are closer to germs then men while doing their business.  Wash them!
* Smile.  Woman smile more.
* Don't slouch. Sit up straight and, if appropriate, don't door back in the chair sit on the edge and gently cross your legs see the ankles.
* Hair.  When you walk past a mirror, check your hair.
* Confidence and attitude. I had met someone who is/was a leader of a big LGBTQ group here in Chicago who said "that's what I really like about you, Denise.  Your confidence, poise, attitude is unique in the trans world."  I had only been full-time for four months and he was surprised.
* Try to keep old friends & make new friends.  Keep busy with people.  Loneliness can set in fast.
* Keep doctor appointments. If you are medically transitioning keep all your appointments and ask questions.
" Be relaxed, have fun. Being transgender, for me, is a release from.... I'm not sure quite what... But I feel OMG better both mentally and physically.  I'm less upright, easier to get alone with, more "go with the flow" person.
* Eat smaller portions and take smaller bites.  Also pat, not wipe, your lips/mouth with your napkin more frequently.
* Take care of your skin.  Nighty creams and lotions.  Personally I use cheap (drugstore brand) creams.  You can spend your whole paycheck on creams, lotions and make-up.

Last and most importantly...
****************
*** BE SAFE ***
****************
If you like biker-bars, sorry, those days are over.
Don't walk alone at night.
Personal preference here but for anyone that I'll be spending personal time with I'll tell them my story.  Maybe not "Hi, I'm Denise, I'm transgender, and I'm glad to meet you."

As soon as I hit send I'm sure I'll think of more.  But I've got to get breakfast.


Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

Don't walk alone at night....

You quite often don't have other options, but walk alone. But at least - avoid secluded areas. If someone follows you - go into crowded areas or businesses, where other people or security would prevent the attack.

When approaching your car - have the car key in your hand.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

     Hi Morgana   I can add nothing to the great advice from the previous replies other than be proud and hold your head high  I found out I was outed Dec 8th 2017 I went home and cried .fumed ans cried some more the next morning I got dressed to the nines and went shopping at our local co-op [I live in a very small town 500 people] I held my head high and talked to everyone I knew there no problems I haven't looked back since
     Good luck be be brave my sister

     bobbisue :)

Hello Morgana,

Welcome to your new life. The guidance offered above is spot on. I think that I would like to amplify a couple of points;

- First, for me, transition was to take care of my social dysphoria. To this end, developing a tribe or village of both cis and trans women was key......wouldn't have made it without them.

- Second, stay safe. In my old guy mode I could and would go anywhere and only rarely had problems. Let go of that type of thinking. If you have to go out at night, take a friend. Each year at the transgender day of remembrance I weep too many tears for our lost sisters and brothers. Please don't add to that.

- Lastly, this is a magic journey you are taking, treat it with reverence, wonder and whimsy. Enjoy and celebrate each and every step.

Enjoy and please keep us updated on your journey.

Tia Anne

To all who've replied, thank you very much!

I came out at work first on a Friday then went full time on a Monday.

When I came out I was told by HR not to use the men's room or get a disciplinary action.

I expressed at work and people expected it.

Males and females at work told me to wear a Bra because I was showing. I was wearing a sport bra and had been for a while. I got advise from woman about tops, makeup, nails and hair, just ask.

Coming out at work pretty much opened the door for me coming out full time. It became easy after time. I thought a lot of patients and families were looking at me. I guess I do not care now or do not look but I do not notice looks any more.

When I was expressing not at work down town or shopping when I wore sun glassed it helped.

Going full time takes a lot of courage. Getting looks and comments and doing it anyway takes a lot of courage. You can do it. Imagine a very long stair case. Each thing you do you advance up a step. Look back and take accounting of the steps you took and celebrate your success.

I was at Costco today buying my usual and there was a trans woman and friend shopping. Inside I smiled. We are just living our life doing what every one does. it is no big deal.

I signed up for NRG for electric and gas today. I will save a bit of money for my utilities. Michelle, the sales person was looking at my boobs. She was very nice and helpful and she liked looking at my chest. The checker at Costco was really friendly, he smiled at me but lifted his face muscles high. He was genuine. I smiled back and said hi. OK, my top is fitted  and I had a BA and my jeans are fitted so maybe I was being treated like anyone else.