Susan's Place Transgender Resources

What was the thing that finally made you do it?

Many people here have been in a limbo/waiting/in denial for years or decades - so what was the final thing then that finally made you move forward?


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For me - I think just panic. And not wanting to be older and older and never transitioned. Plus a positive chain of events in my life that led me here and to a point I'm finally able to do something about it. Read= hit a rock bottom and been climbing up from there since!

And obviously I'm not on T yet... But support from this site is the thing I'm now trying to get on it. I guess it could be said I kinda wish had been here earlier... :D

So panic & support is my cocktail!

Hey,
I guess for me it was that when I lived with my stepfather my dysphoria was crazy and any woman that I looked at i envied massively and would sink further into depression. This wasn't helped when i had a massive downpoint over not being able to be pregnant and then also the sexual abuse.
But the thing was that when I left I got into a job about 3 days later, and then with constant work and trying to move forward out of an abusive house the dysphoria went, like didnt have any problems at all with dysphoria. Skip ahead a week when things have started to calm and the feeling came back. So because i knew how crap i had felt previously with my dysphoria i went to see a therapist to be 100% it was dypshoria and not something else. So yeah thats what pushed me to therapy and in turn has made e resolute for starting hormones at the end of feb by saving and going private (uk based).
Much love

Mine was the denial and fear tearing me apart. Fighting it just ended up with me spending a month in a mental facility, so with time, I turned myself around, and accepted it. I'm now happier than I've ever been!

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Havent transitioned yet, so i probably shouldnt post here yet....

soo atm i suck at being a guy, not really doing anything with my life depressed/Angry/miserable/anxious just not living life no friends, no family really... (just mum), not going out much, but 1 day i was out, and i got misgendered, now this is not uncommon for me, but whats different is he hit on me because he thought i was a pretty girl, he hit on me in a hot way too borderline rude LOL but anyway, at the time it was happening, i was soo embarrassed and just looked down until he couldnt see me anymore, but when that awkwardness was over i thought about and thought just how hot it was to be treated like a girl like that by him, what wasnt good was they were saying no his a guy after he hit on me but w/o it was just one of those weird moments that kinda triggered my dysphoria that i had suppressed/repressed for so long/years and it seemed like after that it was Screaming at me

Lately its getting to a point where all i can think about is becoming female, not just wanting to be female, but becoming female... wishing it

Haha Christy you sound like me... only in reverse!

Glad you posted

The information that I could actually get something done about it. Before that I had no idea I could. They don't exactly advertise the fact in doctor's surgeries etc. that transition is something you can do if you ask for it. It's practically unheard of unless you know someone who has transitioned (I didn't) or hang out in trans circles IRL (I don't). It took a long time to get that information (the internet helped) and when I had it, I had already clicked that this was necessary. Before that I didn't know what the hell exactly was wrong with me or that there were any "cures", I just knew something was horribly wrong between my mind and body and I was living on the fringes of society never fitting in for some unfathomable reason, despite trying lots of things to fix it.

The other push is that I don't know how long the NHS is going to continue to support transition given its financial issues. I figured if I delayed any longer I might never even get on any treatment lists. My worst fear is that I'd never be able to get the top surgery or the hormones would dry up. The waits are getting longer and longer for new applicants so I'm lucky I got in when I did. I have a good chance of getting surgery soon, but it involved a 2.5 year wait, from my first GP referral.

Quote from: Viktor on January 18, 2018, 05:11:01 AM
The information that I could actually get something done about it. Before that I had no idea I could. They don't exactly advertise the fact in doctor's surgeries etc. that transition is something you can do if you ask for it. It's practically unheard of unless you know someone who has transitioned (I didn't) or hang out in trans circles IRL (I don't). It took a long time to get that information (the internet helped) and when I had it, I had already clicked that this was necessary. Before that I didn't know what the hell exactly was wrong with me or that there were any "cures", I just knew something was horribly wrong and I was living on the fringes of society never fitting in for some unfathomable reason, despite trying lots of things to fix it.

The other push is that I don't know how long the NHS is going to continue to support transition given its financial issues. I figured if I delayed any longer I might never even get on any treatment lists. My worst fear is that I'd never be able to get the top surgery or the hormones would dry up. The waits are getting longer and longer for new applicants so I'm lucky I got in when I did. I have a good chance of getting surgery soon, but it involved a 2.5 year wait, from my first GP referral.

Ive known for along time what was wrong with or atleast what might be wrong with me, ive also known for along time what the cure for this affliction is, its always been fear and other more family orientated obstacles getting in my way, What i didnt know was just how common it is and how its not always like how it is in the movies which is something i thought for awhile and i knew that wasnt me...... i also didnt know all the steps involved in changing genders and defeating Gender Dysphoria and have always been up until recently too afraid to research them

I also dont have any Trans circle or just any trans friends, ive never been sure  that even that is what i wanted.... TBH

I know what not quite fitting in anywhere feels like

Extreme anger.  Being jealous of 1/2 of the population was creating a situation where I was always angry.

Live free or die.

Quote from: Viktor on January 18, 2018, 05:11:01 AM
The other push is that I don't know how long the NHS is going to continue to support transition given its financial issues. I figured if I delayed any longer I might never even get on any treatment lists. My worst fear is that I'd never be able to get the top surgery or the hormones would dry up. The waits are getting longer and longer for new applicants so I'm lucky I got in when I did. I have a good chance of getting surgery soon, but it involved a 2.5 year wait, from my first GP referral.

OMG that sucks  :o!!!

Not nearly as much for me as it sucks for the newer referrals. It's getting worse and worse for them. Either trans care will have to have a bigger budget allocated to it by the government, or they're going to decide they're not important enough to provide more resources for. I think I can guess which one they will go for.

Getting my divorce finalized.  I couldn't go through the rest of my life as male repeating the same mistakes.  I would have'd always mourned my previous life and what could have been while still dealing with my growing dysphoria.   It was pretty obvious transitioning was the only path forward for me.

Stage iv cancer was my catalyst.  Once I beat that I seized the day!  No more putting things off.

-Three things:

1. Getting all muscular and manly at the gym (which I thought I wanted at the time) just made my dysphoria worse.
2. Thinking about suicide once made me realize my dysphoria was bigger than I thought.
3. Approaching 30. My goal is to live as a woman in my 30s, hopefully everything works.

For me it was my dad outing me. Once I realized he wasn't going to reject me I wanted HRT yesterday. He wanted me to get it done while I was young.  Within a week my dad had found a therapist and taken me to my first appointment with her. Within a month I had started HRT.

This world needs more dads like yours.  That is awesome.


For me I hit rock bottom.  I couldn't hide it any more, couldn't lie about it to myself any more, and was on the path to drinking myself to death.  I had an extremely severe anxiety attack and realized that I couldn't live this way any more.  That was about a year ago now.

Quote from: Colleen_definitely on January 18, 2018, 08:44:59 AM
...was on the path to drinking myself to death.

Well, now that you mention it, this applied to me, too. :D

For me it was a two step process. I was in denial for a long time. Some family issues came up where I felt that I should try to be a male role model for my nephew, and I just couldn't do that, that pushed me out of denial. Once I stopped fighting it, I felt so much better I started to think that I didn't need to transition. The second part which finally pushed me forward was a minor cancer scare, and relationship I had, that fell apart. I realized that while from my perspective I was putting everything I had into the relationship. Objectively speaking, I wasn't doing much of anything. I realized that it was taking every ounce of effort I had to be a really crummy boyfriend. So I decided that I needed to work things out. I'm at almost 5 months hrt now.

I havent transitioned yet but my motived going foward are that i dont want to look back at this time 5 or 10 years from now with any regrets. I know if i do nothing about it now then i will kick myself. I would have been better if i could come to terms with this 20 years ago but i cant let that hold me back.

ummm I guess you could say it was gout for me lol.

I was drinking every night for 5 years straight and it finally caught up with me, I got gout and I had to stop drinking to be able to take medication for it. After a month of being sober I realized that I was thinking a lot more clearly, the last few years had pretty much been a haze, and if these thoughts of my gender dysphoria were still with me when I was thinking at my clearest then they were going to be with me for life and I needed to do something about it. Once I talked to a couple friends about it that set everything in motion, I started to see a therapist and I started exercising regularly.

If I never got gout I'd probably still be drinking every night and I'd still weigh around 300lbs. Over the last year I drank less than 10 times and I now weigh under 200lbs!

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 18, 2018, 07:51:30 AM
-Three things:

1. Getting all muscular and manly at the gym (which I thought I wanted at the time) just made my dysphoria worse.
2. Thinking about suicide once made me realize my dysphoria was bigger than I thought.
3. Approaching 30. My goal is to live as a woman in my 30s, hopefully everything works.

That number 2 really crept up on me. I know its not a subject that many will talk about or ammit but i bet it goes though alot of peoples minds when thinking up all the options going foward

For me it was hitting bottom.  I was on one of my DIY herbal hormone binges just to feel normal.  My GD was becoming a monster I couldn't control.  I had to isolate myself and be me hidden away from everyone.  Then by day put on the boy suit making me feel terrible.  Then one day a coworker told me in an old picture I looked like a girl.  That was it, no more fighting, it was just like somebody popped my bubble.  I vowed to quit the herbal stuff and went for real HRT.  Within three weeks I was on it.  Within two months I had an endo managing my transition.  I feel more normal now than I have ever felt before.  It's been 6 months on hrt.

Bari Jo

A near mental breakdown after 64 years of questioning. Deepening depression. I had to save my family and the only way that was going to happen was to come out of the closet. I know transitioning can tear families apart. It has brought mine together. I have become civil. caring, more involved, no longer depressed. I'm starting to come out of my shell. And I now have shoulder length hair just like 1970.

It was three things for me:

1.  My dysphoria got steadily worse over time.  The distant hum had become a scream by the time I was 40.  I knew, finally, that it wasn't going away.

2.  The faith that had held me back crumbled away (for unrelated reasons).

3.  I developed symptoms suggestive of ALS, and had to go through a 4 week workup.  I realized that I was not afraid to die (in some ways I welcomed it at the time), but I was sick about the fact that no one would know who I was.


All this was churning through my head, and my wife and I were having regular conversations about my gender expression.  One day, we were buying blinds for a window and in the showroom, they were playing Iris, by the GooGoo Dolls:

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's built to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

The dam burst, and I knew I could never patch it again.

Quote from: Shambles on January 18, 2018, 09:35:56 AM

That number 2 really crept up on me. I know its not a subject that many will talk about or ammit but i bet it goes though alot of peoples minds when thinking up all the options going foward

Yes, it was a huge wake up call for me. It pushed me to find my therapist.

Ultimately, I think progress is made one step at a time. The impetus is authenticity, the method is a serious of steps towards that. Coming out is a huge step I think. It's as if we give ourselves permission to be ourselves.


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Two things:

Hearing a lecture (that had nothing to do with gender) delivered by a trans scientist and realizing that being trans didn't have to be freaky and did not cause (most) cis people to go insane.

Contrmplating the dwindling number of years left to me and how depressing they would get if I didn't transition.

I was falling apart, much worse than I am in my depressing posts now. I ended up in jail for a day. I was dressed in women's clothes and even though I had my wig taken away from me I didn't want to leave. That one day in the jail cell I could be myself and I didn't care.

After that I struggled with discomfort of going back to being a male. At my lowest point I had thoughts that I would steal jewelry or anything to go back in. It made me really question everything. Why would I ever think something like that?

I realized repressing being a female was taking me into a downward spiral.

Ever since starting hrt and doing something about my dysphoria, I barely drink alcohol. My life has a direction again.

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I know my wife would like to know what changed that so that I needed to transition, but I can't point to any one thing or event.

The lead up though, was my last attempt to "man up" and quit crossdressing. 

Summer of 2016 I was in a low dysphoria period so I thought I could do it.  Purged my womens clothes (again) and I tried taking a DHEA  supplement.  It worked for about 2 months. But of course it came back.  And with a vengeance. It was as bad as it had ever been.  It was my urge or need to be female and the why is that not me feeling.  I didn't know it as dysphoria then.  I had heard the term and knew it meaning but never applied it myself.

So this time rather than crossdress when I could and feel bad and hide it when I couldn't, I went to a therapist.  I needed to know if it was dysphoria or a fetish or what.  Since age 4 or 5 I had always wanted to be a girl. Somewhere in the next few months I realized not only that I wanted to do it, but that I could do it and,  most importantly, that I needed to do it.

No ah hah moment, just gradually realized that I needed to transition. 





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Quote from: TonyaW on January 20, 2018, 11:54:52 AM
Somewhere in the next few months I realized not only that I wanted to do it, but that I could do it and,  most importantly, that I needed to do it.

´
Ha, this!

I was convinced there was something majorly wrong with my heart and I was going to die.  I had every test done.  Turns out, it was all in my head.  After that experience, transitioning didn't seem so scart.

Second, my homophobic/transphobic roommate asked me to move out because he needed my room for the new baby.  Suddenly, all my emotional and practical excuses were gone.

Age. At 44 years old, I really started realizing that my male persona just sucked, I looked normal, but mentally I hated life. I realized that if I did not pursue what I wanted and at 44, with a college degree, macho military experience, I was old enough to know what I wanted without anybody telling me otherwise, I just went for it, don't regret it.

Planning my suicide in detail and making everything ready, the feeling I had at that point....I have never ever experienced such a deep feeling, that this is it, I don't want to continue like this, life has been a living hell for 40 years. Constant anxiety, depression, being told nasty things etc. I want this to end now, being a living dead or just being dead, it's all the same. Never had such a deep feeling, that my life ends now, even though I've tried suicide in the past and have been very self-destructive.

Then however I woke up one morning to the thought, that if I kill myself now, I never picked up the last playing card on the table. I didn't know if I lost the game or not, I just assumed that I lost.

Thought that about half a day and finally gathered my very few male clothes, some from the late nineties believe it or not, and threw everything into the trash bin. That's it then, no turning back. And transition done in few minutes  ;D

In the next few months I managed to secure hormone prescription and got my name changed after a struggle with the officials.

So yeah, my transition was really quick, but it was either that or being dead.

And what comes to other people, my attitude has been, that yeah, go ahead and stare, you don't know the hell I've crawled through and managed to find my way out, just barely alive. You can stare all you want, but don't come and say a thing to me, before you've gone through the hell too. If you get out alive, then you can come and say whatever you like to me, not before!

*
Dawn, you're old enough to understand.  I had been living in really small towns - a wide spot in the road 90 minutes from nowhere.  There was no internet 40-some years ago, just marginal small-town bookmobile libraries.

I met Denise, my mentor, in 1974.  I did as she told me - think through my plan.  She referred me to Stanford; I consulted them when I was ready.

Amazingly, as others commented here in this thread, I simply asked my doctor to start me and he did (1978).

I began taking care of paperwork - Social Security, legal ID, drivers license.

I eventually found counseling to approve my hormones - bingo - I got them next.

This seemed too easy.  It was.  My job moved me to Utah where there was nothing.  Back to scratch.

Good fortune again when I took a business trip back to California; I located a supporting physician who restored my hormones.

Trouble.  My federal employer knew something was odd.  They charged me and initiated termination action as I was entering 'male fail'.  That was the kick that did it.  I knew that I would be making my break, leaving that job, so my last step was planning to go full-time once I walked out their door.

I realised that I could no longer make excuses if I did not change at this most opportune time.  It was quick and painless.

That first step was still a doozy, still scary, yet once I did it, it was done, no looking back.  I was fully prepared.  Full-time forever was about 35 years ago and no serious regrets since then.

*

I can remember what the "push" was, my desire and feeling to transition and my goals and plans to actually transition blurred together with the 1 year or two of questioning to officially coming out to myself as transgender.

I think the big push was my overwhelming fixation on wanting to present as male, but all the restrictions of living at home and not having any financial means to move forward. I was in a really toxic, controlling relationship with my parents where not just my gender dysphoria hurt, but also my free will, education, and interests were falling apart. I desperately needed to escape and make my life better by taking control of things. When I left, I finally had my own place to be myself, freely express my hobbies and interests, dress in what felt natural, and transition. The break to freedom is basically what drove my transition, and transition came along with all the other goals in my life I was pushing for. Transition helped me build the ground framework for my motivation to want to succeed in all aspects of life.

Attempting suicide, pretty much a year ago today. After failing that, I started thinking 'really? I just tried to end my own life, what do I have to lose by trying transitioning?'. After all, I still had all my women's clothing & such in my closet, so it's not like people clearing out my things wouldn't have found out.
It still took me 4-1/2 months of research and coming to grips with it before I finally came out to my friends & family. It was absolutely the right call, because I've never been happier or felt better in my life.

So a note for those in the closet who may be reading this: DO NOT WAIT UNTIL YOU REACH THIS POINT!!! The moment you even start THINKING about suicide, TALK TO SOMEONE!! Believe me, I know it's hard, but it truly is better than the alternative. I look back now, and truly can't fathom why I ever considered suicide a good idea.

A combination of many things, I spent the years from 21 to 31 drunk or smashed on speed, weed & coke or both to blot it out & it didn't work. I still felt the same way, it was like an itch that never went away. I met a local TS who was in her early 50s when she transitioned & she told me it never goes away. I lacked the courage for suicide but was heading for death by accident, I set the chip pan on fire drunk, fell through a glass door (got away with minor cuts), knocked a radio into the bath etc while out of it. I knew about the long waiting lists for the NHS (20 months for a first appointment at Charing Cross).I was also going bald, I had a small bald patch which filled in before going full time. I self medicated & did electrolysis while growing my hair out. I was living as a woman after work & at we.ekends, hitting the gay clubs & realising how much it felt natural. I was getting male fail 18 months later, I had done a lot of electrolysis, had dyed red spiral permed hair to my shoulders & plucked eyebrows & manicured nails. Going full time was a lot easier than I thought

Realising transitioning was actually a thing.

I was young and didn't know transitioning was a thing I could do, I just thought there was something wrong with me.
One day I somehow came across a video on youtube and then I was like wow that's what I feel like. Did more research and came across this forum! Lurked for a long time but this place helped me transition.

As soon as I learnt it was a thing, I went for it, and it has been about 7 years now. Time flies.

Stuff like this:

http://www.devonlive.com/news/devon-news/calls-stop-taking-new-patients-858926

And that was back in 2015, I felt it was already a problem then (this is my GIC). This article is 2017

I was talking with one of my closest friends and just smoothly moved into talking about if I ever would transition; would I ever have the nerve.  My friend said to me
"We've been talking about issues your passionate about. I know this because I know the work you do.  But right now this minute I learns this is a passionate topic for you because you become animated, your smile natural like we haven't seen for ages and your voice is full of intention.  I had a dream about you a couple weeks ago but you looked different.  You were about 50 pounds lighter and a male and you never ever looked as great as that since I've known you.  Dude you are going to rock as the dude you authentically are. ".  I cried. I didn't care if she saw. I cried hard for 15 minutes.  The next day I made my appointment at Iowa city gender clinic.  That conversation made me realize I was just wasting time.  I had that same dream several months ago.


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The big push for me was my wife finding the herbals supplements I had taken sporadically  and confronting me about it, which effectively ended my marriage once I tried to talk to her about what I was feeling.  Then after about 5 months of limbo trying to get used to my new life without her there, I realized that it was now or never to see if that is what I really wanted for myself.  Fast forward to 8 months from them, and while certainly I don't feel any worse for wear, I'm still stuck on the fence if this is the real me.  I just don't want to stop...  I'm starting to notice real changes which are really encouraging to me and also a bit scary given my bit of uncertainty.

I was in a bad marriage, a pressure cooker at work and this was about 2000 or so and trans people were becoming more visible.  I knew all of my life, but after researching it as a kid and seeing the costs associated, I just pushed it into the corners.  After all of the tumult, I suppose this just added more in some sense.   ;)

I can really relate to alot of people here saying that they were isolating themselves im doing that myself, and how they didnt feel normal

Also one thing i should say also is that not drinking or drugs or anything but i do use food as a means to cope with it, i dont like myself for doing it but it does help and i also binge watch lots of tv

I also can relate to anxiety and depression, last year even had a mental break down my life had just been so bad up until last year but even tho it was getting better i couldnt see any signs of it and i just gave up ........not suicidal just gave up living, it wasnt until late last year when i realized i had been like this longer than i thought

Trying to claw my way out now of depression and sometimes i feel like starting Transitioning cannot be any worse than what my life is now but then i go back into my bubble and everything is "fine" again

The time between finding out that not only was transition possible, but that I wanted to do it, and actually doing something about it was 2 1/2 years. The final push to do something about it came when one day, I found myself sitting on my bed with a bottle of pills in my hand and wanting nothing more than to swallow the entire bottle and just end it all. Instead of taking the pills, I told myself "six months, if nothing has changed in six months, then that's it, I'm ending it." It was when I put a literal deadline on my life that I realized I had to do something, that sitting in limbo was no longer an option. It pushed me to seek out a therapist and a support group and get transition started. I had read other people's stories before that about how they had reached a point of transition or die and I never thought I would come to that point, but I did. I have wanted to die my whole life, but that was the first time I had ever actually planned it out. And I am really glad that instead of going through with suicide, I started transition. Because now, for the first time in my life, I actually want to live.

Double post lol didn't realize I posted here already!

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 18, 2018, 07:51:30 AM
Getting all muscular and manly at the gym (which I thought I wanted at the time) just made my dysphoria worse.

This! I could never be big enough/ripped enough. Constantly seeing bigger and more ripped guys. Turns out I just didn't like my male body! I was a chubby child for a bit, so I could never be thin enough!
Ironically becoming a woman I'm excited to have some fat (in the right areas) and have some sexy curves!

The push came ironically when I shaved my beard. As a man, I look MUCH better with facial hair. I hadn't seen my bare face in 2-3 years. I shaved it and realized how unhappy I was with the man staring back at me. I always had been. The beard had been a mask. I had hidden from myself for 3 years.
It started a process which for me will probably be slow but I'm not sure I can go back or stop it. I really really don't, I'm just a little nervous how the journey will happen. I'm going to start finistride asap to stop any more hair loss. I start gender counseling soon and would like to start estrogen to see how it feels sooner than later.

--Sasha

My case wasn't like most others' - it wasn't that I was in a downward spiral and needed to do it to save my sanity. I came out to myself and decided that transition was the right path for me within the span of about 3 weeks. What prompted it was euphoria.

I had no idea I could feel so good about myself until I started doing this smut RP story and playing a male character. My RP partner (who is bi, but prefers men) thought I was male until I accidentally outed myself in a joke. He encouraged me to workout, he told me that strapons were sexy, that this masculine persona of mine was sexy. Until then I had no idea that my masculinity could be appealing or attractive. When that sense of acceptance hit, transitioning went from being completely off the radar to an inevitability. It felt that good.

Quote from: Denise on January 18, 2018, 05:33:54 AM
Extreme anger.  Being jealous of 1/2 of the population was creating a situation where I was always angry.

Live free or die.

I remember Feeling this same way!  My girl friend told me she always thought I was just checking the other women out. In reality I was so mad inside because I was trapped being me and not them.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 18, 2018, 07:51:30 AM
-Three things:

1. Getting all muscular and manly at the gym (which I thought I wanted at the time) just made my dysphoria worse.
2. Thinking about suicide once made me realize my dysphoria was bigger than I thought.
3. Approaching 30. My goal is to live as a woman in my 30s, hopefully everything works.

I too started going to the gym and even grew a Beard and I ended up feeling worse about myself.
I done a 180 and started taking herbs to look more feminine for the last few years.
I Couldn't take one more minute. I was a ticking time bomb inside.

Hugs,

       Chelsea

Realizing I only get one shot at this.....so I better get to it.   Also realizing there is more than one way to do this.  I realized you don't have to be super fem to be trans, every person I know who is trans is very fem.   I don't want to be them I can't I can only be me....Realizing you can't let others live your life and there's as well.....

For me it was realizing that I was slowly killing myself for years through drinking because I failed in my two actual attempts to kill myself. It got to the point that I had damaged my liver and had multiple seizures from withdrawals. I finally realized that if I want to keep living, I had to confront why I was doing this to myself. So I made the decision to transition and have never been happier! Many friends have even said how much they notice that about me. And I've been sober now for over a year! :)

I can relate to so much being said  :)