Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone. I'm realizing that Tyler is becoming jealous of Tristan and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Tyler has always liked Tristan and helped him move his stuff when he moved in. He was glad to have someone to play video games with and Tristan even got him into cricket. But then Tyler started acting weird.   I was due to take my shot which Tyler reminded me of. I told him Tristan had already done it for me. He said " but I've always done it for you". Then he asked me if Tristan knew how to do it without hurting me and I told him of course he did, he was a paramedic after all. Tyler said " oh...I guess that makes him an expert then".  I thought Tyler would be glad he didn't have to mess with doing it anymore.

Tristan likes to go walking. We had come back from a walk and Tyler asked where I had been and I told him I went for a walk with Tristan. He said " but you hate being outside. You sure wouldn't ever do anything with me outside!"  Tyler loves those snickers ice cream bars and I had forgotten to get them for him. When I told him I had forgotten them he said " I see you didn't forget to get those nasty ass funyuns for Tristan" and he threw them onto the counter.  When I made the bangers and mash for Tristan he said " I guess you won't bother making any of my favorite foods anymore". Last night Tristan had been at his mom's and she gave him a sixpack of some high end rootbeer. When he brought it into the kitchen Tyler said " obviously you Don't know Julia very Well or you would know she hates rootbeer".  Then later on he wanted me to watch fear the walking dead with him. I told him Tristan and I were going to watch travelers up in my room. He said got all huffy an said he should have known that. Then this morning I made eggs instead of waffles just because I didn't feel like making waffles. When Tyler saw that I was making eggs he said " I thought we were having waffles. Let me guess, Tristan wanted eggs instead". Before I could explain he stomped away and then slammed the front door.

Ok, I have no idea what to do here. I've never heard of a brother being jealous of his sister's boyfriend. I didn't even know that was an actual thing. Does anyone have any suggestions how to handle this? I don't want Tyler to dislike Tristan.

Wow, how old is he?  This is kind of getting into creepy territory. 

Are you twins?

Quote from: Colleen_definitely on January 18, 2018, 03:21:04 PM
Wow, how old is he?  This is kind of getting into creepy territory. 

Are you twins?

He's 21. No we aren't twins. Creepy? In what way is it creepy??

Quote from: Julia1996 on January 18, 2018, 02:42:54 PM
Hi everyone. I'm realizing that Tyler is becoming jealous of Tristan and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Tyler has always liked Tristan and helped him move his stuff when he moved in. He was glad to have someone to play video games with and Tristan even got him into cricket. But then Tyler started acting weird.   I was due to take my shot which Tyler reminded me of. I told him Tristan had already done it for me. He said " but I've always done it for you". Then he asked me if Tristan knew how to do it without hurting me and I told him of course he did, he was a paramedic after all. Tyler said " oh...I guess that makes him an expert then".  I thought Tyler would be glad he didn't have to mess with doing it anymore.

Tristan likes to go walking. We had come back from a walk and Tyler asked where I had been and I told him I went for a walk with Tristan. He said " but you hate being outside. You sure wouldn't ever do anything with me outside!"  Tyler loves those snickers ice cream bars and I had forgotten to get them for him. When I told him I had forgotten them he said " I see you didn't forget to get those nasty ass funyuns for Tristan" and he threw them onto the counter.  When I made the bangers and mash for Tristan he said " I guess you won't bother making any of my favorite foods anymore". Last night Tristan had been at his mom's and she gave him a sixpack of some high end rootbeer. When he brought it into the kitchen Tyler said " obviously you Don't know Julia very Well or you would know she hates rootbeer".  Then later on he wanted me to watch fear the walking dead with him. I told him Tristan and I were going to watch travelers up in my room. He said got all huffy an said he should have known that. Then this morning I made eggs instead of waffles just because I didn't feel like making waffles. When Tyler saw that I was making eggs he said " I thought we were having waffles. Let me guess, Tristan wanted eggs instead". Before I could explain he stomped away and then slammed the front door.

Ok, I have no idea what to do here. I've never heard of a brother being jealous of his sister's boyfriend. I didn't even know that was an actual thing. Does anyone have any suggestions how to handle this? I don't want Tyler to dislike Tristan.

Alas, it's the attention you give your BF that your brother is upset about, not your actual boyfriend.  Your is older sibling, sister and it's all the things you do for your BF.  Also, he's had to readjust since your BF moved in.  It was his space that was also impacted.

I don't think he is being creepy. I think he has always been close to you and maybe feels that he isn't getting your attention like he used to. Maybe you should just talk to him. Ask him, "Are we okay? I've been feeling like you are frustrated with me lately. Have I done something to upset you?" Don't even mention jealousy, that will make it creepy. We all have times where we feel a little neglected. Show him you care. If you don't address it, he may grow to resent Tristan more.
Moni

Quote from: Julia1996 on January 18, 2018, 03:37:50 PM
He's 21. No we aren't twins. Creepy? In what way is it creepy??

Creepy because he's throwing fits like an eight year old when he's old enough to buy liquor legally. 

I guess the big thing for me is that he's your brother and he's getting jealous that you're spending time with your boyfriend of some time instead of him.  That just strikes me as having all sorts of weirdness to it.

I think he misses helping you.  I assume he was there giving some of your first bits of help.  He loves you and I believe he is sad that you don't "need" his help.  Tristan is the competition.  Tyler and you need to talk about it, with love. Maybe make one special thing that only your brother does for you.

Hugs, Jessica

I'll play amateur psychologist here. From reading your other post I don't think it's a creepy sort of thing.  I'm getting that your brother has always seen himself as your protector or maybe even a pseudo-parent. As you get closer to your boyfriend he feels that he is being pushed out of that role and to at least some extent he is.

It's also a little bit like when the second child is born the first can feel neglected due to all the attention the baby gets.

  I don't think that he dislikes your boyfriend but yes he is a bit jealous and  taking it out on him. But as Moni says, don't call him jealous or even say that he's acting jealous, that will make it worse. 

He'll get over it but if there is an activity or a special tv show etc that just you two shared, make sure to make time for that at least some of the time. 




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Quote from: Colleen_definitely on January 18, 2018, 04:01:52 PM
Creepy because he's throwing fits like an eight year old when he's old enough to buy liquor legally.

21 doesn't instill maturity :)

Though I see you really didn't mean it to come out the way it was received :)

And give him a big hug.


- Stephanie

Quote from: Cali on January 18, 2018, 04:24:45 PM
21 doesn't instill maturity :)

Though I see you really didn't mean it to come out the way it was received :)

I totally botched the delivery.  Anyway this level of attachment is kind of weird to me.  But maybe it's because my family just sucked at the whole togetherness thing.

Quote from: Colleen_definitely on January 18, 2018, 04:53:49 PM
I totally botched the delivery.  Anyway this level of attachment is kind of weird to me.  But maybe it's because my family just sucked at the whole togetherness thing.

Don't feel bad, I've written letters and have left only one word out and it destroyed the entire meaning of what I was trying to say and even got me into some hot water.  When addressed with it, and when I read my letter to see what people were upset, and then noticed the lost word, I laughed but that didn't go over too well either.

Quote from: Colleen_definitely on January 18, 2018, 04:53:49 PM
I totally botched the delivery.  Anyway this level of attachment is kind of weird to me.  But maybe it's because my family just sucked at the whole togetherness thing.

I guess my family is weird to other people. I've never considered my relationship with my brother or my dad weird. Some people do but I don't really care. My brother and I spent a lot of time together growing up. He spent a lot of time with me so I wouldn't be lonely since I had no friends. We fought of course but nothing extreme and Tyler never hit me or hurt me. Some people found it weird that Tyler wasn't cruel to me and didn't slap me around and hurt me physically. That some people think that's the normal way for an older brother to behave is very sad and I feel sorry for them. My grandpa, uncle and mom all thought my relationship with Tyler and with my dad was weird. But I know what all 3 of them are so it never bothered me. It didn't bother Tyler or my dad either.

Julia,
   Your relationship with your brother and father is not weird. You guys are there for each other. That is love. I had two brothers and two sisters. We fought, we teased each other unmercilessly, and we loved each other. I was closest to my younger sister because she was closest to my age. We spent a lot of time together. We were protective of each other. When she died of brain cancer, a piece of me died. Make it right with your brother, talk to him. Cherish him.
Moni

Julia, there is nothing weird about it. Tyler is used to you always being there for him. I have a similar situation here. Before Phillip came along, I was always there for my mother. A lot of the time, she thinks I am being antisocial just because I spend time with my husband. The whole thing is that some times, we cannot give as much love to someone that expects it, when a new love comes along.
You and Tyler are both adults. Perhaps Tyler needs to find someone and learn that lesson. Then, he won't be looking after your needs, or expecting you to take care of his needs as much as he got adapted to.

Hi Julia,
I agree with your brother being protective of you and now you have found someone else to be this person. He cares greatly and  feels unneeded so you just need to let him know that you still value his care etc. let him know you still value his help and to voice his opinion whenever he feels justified.


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I don't think it's creepy or weird at all. sometimes even parents get jealous that their children "exchanged" them for their partner. Make sure to make Tyler feel special too,  after all he's always been there for you.

Julia,  Brothers and sisters have a unique bond that is stronger than most realize. For all your life you have relied on him and he on you. Tristen is a newcomer, an interloper and Tyler sees as if you are shutting him out. When you were younger Tyler saw you as someone needing his help and now he sees you migrating your attention to Tristen. But, your bond has not disappeared. I would suggest you give Tyler a clue that you still need him and will always need him in your life. Family is everything is what I teach my kids. My son and daughter each live independently of one another but only 4 miles apart. It is a rare weekend that D and D are not together as they find each others company something that brings them happiness. Jake is good with it as well as Jeannie. Their spouses. Together they do many things from going to Seahawk games to rooting for the Angels. Playing video games and board games. Jake has moved our stuff twice and D has rewired Jakes house. They go camping. They party. They go out to dinner. You get the idea. I have confidence Julia that you will find a solution that keeps everyone satisfied. I recently lost my brother to alzheimer's. He no longer recognizes me. I miss my brother. I bet you would miss Tyler too.

Quote from: Colleen_definitely on January 18, 2018, 04:53:49 PM
I totally botched the delivery.  Anyway this level of attachment is kind of weird to me.  But maybe it's because my family just sucked at the whole togetherness thing.

That I understand all too well. My family is so dysfunctional, whenever I meet a family that's really close (or extra huggy), it was hard to deal with it. At the time it kind of creeped me out, because I was so closed off from everyone from denying myself anyway. Now I love hugs!!!

Julia, everyone's already said it, but yes, he's been an integral part of your life & now he's feeling left out & neglected. Definitely make time to do something together with him!

Sounds like it's hard for him adjusting. Like others said it could be having a new person around all the time. He probably feels left out, it's only normal if you're close! I sometimes felt slighted by my sister because she wouldn't even acknowledge me when we lived with our parents. It's something I'm over now but I know she just didn't care. That made me sad.

From your posts I can tell you do care about your brother. Check in with him and I'm sure he will understand. He could just need time.

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If you are all living in the same house I know that does weird things to the dynamic between parents, their kids, siblings and the newcomer etc.

Usually people move out in my experience when in a relationship to be by themselves because of that kind of stuff.

I think I smoothed things out with Tyler. I told him I was sorry if it seemed like I was ignoring him and that wasn't ever my intention. I told him he was still a very important part of my life and he always will be. I also told him I would watch the Netflix stuff we watched together with him on Sunday nights. I felt really bad after I thought about him feeling like I didn't want him around anymore. I never meant for him to think that. Tyler always did a lot for me growing up and I needed him a great deal. I thought he would be happy that I didn't need him so much now. It never dawned on me that he might feel hurt by it.

The situation is not too different from when a child moves out on their own. The parents are happy that their child has become strong and independent, but for that same reason they are sad because they no longer feel needed. I know on the rare occasion when one of my daughters calls for help it makes my day. You have a very special relationship with your father and brother, maybe even more special than you realize. Since Tristan moved in Tyler doesn't feel as though you need him anymore, but from your viewpoint you were releasing Tyler from activities that he may not have enjoyed and giving him more time to do what he wanted. Make Tyler feel useful and needed again, and everything will be OK.

Of course it looks like you already figured that out!

Quote from: Julia1996 on January 20, 2018, 05:59:36 PM
I think I smoothed things out with Tyler. I told him I was sorry if it seemed like I was ignoring him and that wasn't ever my intention. I told him he was still a very important part of my life and he always will be. I also told him I would watch the Netflix stuff we watched together with him on Sunday nights. I felt really bad after I thought about him feeling like I didn't want him around anymore. I never meant for him to think that. Tyler always did a lot for me growing up and I needed him a great deal. I thought he would be happy that I didn't need him so much now. It never dawned on me that he might feel hurt by it.

The vast majority of times that people get angry with us is because their feelings have been hurt.  Something one learns as they get older - time is the best teacher.

I know that it's an old thread and everything is resolved by now but I'm putting in my (not very original) twopence anyway, just because.   

As you mentioned, Tyler was not just your brother, he was also your best friend.  He's got to miss that.  I recall that Zoë was also understandably put out (figuratively as well as literally).

I'm sure that now you have it all well in hand by having a lot of special one-on-one time with both Tyler and Zoë.

Maybe Tyler will be happier when he, like Tristan, has a steady girlfriend who has become his friend as well as his lover.  Then you could all watch television and sometimes go out togther.  Two's company and three's a crowd but then four's company again.

First relationship I ever had and my sister called my date for all kinds and the fact I was spending time with them and not going home to visit. Now it's the other way around, she never spends any time around anyone but her own family. I think that's why people usually end up moving out to be with that person - living in a close family situation and dealing with the dynamics like that is difficult. I don't think I could live with a relationship and my siblings and parents in the same house, they'd be at each others' throats in no time.