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I guess I've been lucky. Up until now my dysphoria has been mild. Background noise that never went away.
Now since things are progressing my dysphoria has gone off the charts.
I looked in the mirror and saw a guy looking back at me and I know it's me but he may as well been an alien from Mars.
I see my body and think "it's a shell, just a shell, it's not me" and then I cry.

I have never had this before. It's like telling the doctor everything had clicked a switch or something.  A switch that held  this dysphoria back.
Now the flood gates are fully open and I can't stand this body or today stupid face.

Has anyone experience anything like this? 
I'm really scared

My 2 years between realizing I needed to transition and getting to surgery were quite upsetting. The process of finally doing something about lifelong dysphoria was similar to addressing lifelong depression. When we start fixing things we have to fully acknowledge them.

It's ok, not fun but I think most of us go through it.

Hi Katie 🙋‍♀️  I'm certain this is quite common.  My dysphoria was, as you say, background noise, a bit of static.  I knew it was there but shut away knowing that there wasn't much I could do about it.........until I could.  It wasn't so much dysphoria bubbling up, but joy that I could now do something about it.  I'm not experiencing severe dysphoria even now though, I think because I had learned through the years that life changes direction if you point you feet where you want to go.

We keep dysphoria at bay with a wall of denial.  Once that wall starts to show cracks, we have to investigate.  We poke at the cracks to see what is beyond that wall.  When the wall starts to come down, you get a flood of dysphoria.

What you are feeling is pretty normal, at the stage you are at.  Just keep moving forward.  You will be okay.  Once you start doing something about it, it gets better.

I actually had the opposite experience.  My dysphoria was soul crushing until I finally worked up the courage to call a therapist to get started.  Just that first appointment, before HRT or anything else, lessened the dysphoria exponentially.  I think it was just the release of talking to someone and gaining the knowledge that better thing were soon to come.

Before, all I had to look forward to were demons in the dark.  After, the light began to shine in and the demons retreated.


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Sorry this happens to you. Looking at your profile picture I do not see a boy...

However based on my own experience I am way more critical of my looks than anyone else. And over time I have developed new dysphoria I have not had before. About my tummy fat, about my voice, about my hair, my face, my large feet, my ugly legs. You name it. Also about my social behavior and worst is usually bottom dysphoria.

It is ups and downs. Some days are better some days are worse. Especially if some or all of them hit me. I have learned to get better dealing with it and now attempt to tackle one or two at a time.

It is not uncommon what you experience!

Quote from: Deborah on January 30, 2018, 10:13:34 AM
I actually had the opposite experience.  My dysphoria was soul crushing until I finally worked up the courage to call a therapist to get started.  Just that first appointment, before HRT or anything else, lessened the dysphoria exponentially.  I think it was just the release of talking to someone and gaining the knowledge that better thing were soon to come.

Same here.  Before I saw my GP I could not eat, was crying a lot, felt suicidal and was withdrawing into myself.  I had a nervous breakdown in 2004 and I was getting similar feelings which caused me to panic and seek help again as back in 2004 I could not feed myself or speak for a few weeks and I did not want that happening again.

Now I feel better as myself, but I totally get the face thing.  I too suffer with that when I pass a mirror, but it's not me, just years of being beaten around the face with testosterone.

Thank goodness it's not just me. Crying every time I am away from people has become such a huge shock to me.

Quote from: sarah1972 on January 30, 2018, 10:14:26 AM
Sorry this happens to you. Looking at your profile picture I do not see a boy...

Haha thanks but it's just an app that changes your face. I sadly do not look anything like that

This exact thing happened to me. I remember waiting for the bus after my first doctor appointment to talk about hrt. It felt like an urgency I never felt before and suddenly I started questioning my whole existence.. like never before..

I'm now 4 months on hrt and I feel so much regret for not starting sooner. I'll be honest I don't know how to process this emotion yet myself.

I think we will eventually. It will just take time, a lot of crying and tons of patience.

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Quote from: CallMeKatie on January 30, 2018, 09:37:36 AM

Has anyone experience anything like this? 

Yes. Pretty much the same deal here.  You are giving birth to your true identity and as with all births (just ask ciswomen) there is pain.

Hello Katie,

It is almost the same thing that happened to me. I have been seeing a therapist since October and I had very less dysphoria before seeing them and after my first session with them it was like a wall broke inside me and all the feelings started flowing out. I have to admit it was not good but I started talking about it with my therapist and it has been a lot better since.
I know it gets overwhelming, but, believe me it gets a lot better when you move forward and start being who you really are.

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Very similar for me before I came out I didn't think I had and dysphoria at all but after I came out I feel it bad I cringe every time I need to use the men's bathroom or look in a mirror wen I'm dressed as a man   

I'm learning to manage it. Of course I have e only just started. As long as I stick to my routine of shaving every day, moisturising and spending a fortune on my hair, I don't freak out as much. I still see a guy looking back in the mirror but it's one that is my way to looking righy rather than just a guy.

Hi Katie,

  As you have read  seeing that guy in the mirror is pretty normal. Once you are happy with what you see in the mirror it can be quite devastating to glance in one and see that guy looking back at you. I know It upset me.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Katie here's a big warm hug. 

The most important part of transition is the mind.  I still don't completely understand how mine works but self-perception at a deeper level is a complex mental activity.  Sometimes the best questions (questioning ourselves) can be painful and challenging - but far better than the alternative (ignoring ourselves).  Here's to a wonderful future.

Kendra

Quote from: CallMeKatie on January 30, 2018, 09:37:36 AM

Now the flood gates are fully open and I can't stand this body or today stupid face.

Exact same thing happened to me. My dysphoria was also always background noise, however I did spend a good amount of nights as a young child that God would "fix" me and "revert" me to female. However, I suppressed a lot of it. When I spoke to my gender psychologist, it was like removing years of insulation and bandaging. The flood gates opened, both literally and figuratively. I realized, Oh sh*it, why did I wait this long to do something about my dysphoria? Look at my brow ridge, look at my gorilla thighs, my broad shoulders

Long story short, gender dysphoria WILL rear its ugly head. Something WILL trigger it, whether that be time or an appointment with a therapist. I'm glad I came to terms with who I am at such a "young" age, and I definitely have hope. However, my GD can be suffocating sometimes. I just have to find a breathing hole, if that makes sense. Every little grain of progress I make just adds to my sandpit of femininity.

I spent years with dysphoria locked up and hidden away because I thought there was nothing I could do about it.  Now that I'm exploring my options, I feel it much more keenly because it's constantly visible now.