Susan's Place Transgender Resources

   I put my name on this thread in the sense that I would like to maybe guide it a bit. It is not intended to be my thread or my personal story. It is aimed at hearing from folks a little further along in transition. I have been thinking about this site and how I might help others in some way. I always love hearing about the lives of people further into their transition than me. I have also seen so many who are thinking about transitioning, or started transitioning and are wondering if it will get better, easier. Transition is certainly a tough thing to do especially early on. I know in my earliest days, I couldn't imagine all the new things I was dealing with in my new gender role becoming normalized. For me some things have and other things are still a struggle. I have had GCS and although that is part of what I have experienced, I don't want this exclusionary. Not everyone has GCS in their plans.
    I referred to a tipping point. What I mean is that time where things start to get a lot easier, where living starts to gear up and the transition part starts to fade. My hope is that this thread might continue for a while and be something that people can read to get some encouragement. My new reality is so good for me, and I know others have positive stories to be shared.
   To give a little of where I am coming from, I am a late in life transitioner (at  58) who has been full time about a year and a half. My GCS was six months ago. At the start, I was convinced this transition thing was im-freaking-possible. Today, I can't imagine life any other way.  I will leave it for now with a request for stories of memorable transition events where things seemed changed for you after they happen. What changed you? I never know if a thread will fall on its face, but I am hoping for something uplifting if you can give it a try.
Moni

           Great topic Moni - 'tipping point' for me, which happened years ago, is when one gets past all the self-acceptance doubt, admits one is truly TS, and finally decides to just stop stressing over everything and go on with one's life. While gave up outward "crossdressing" long ago (due kids, family concerns) it's still very reaffirming when people, mostly strangers, refer to me as "ma'am".

LOL Am stuck in perpetual "male fail" mode?

Works for me! Most have accepted & like my naturally feminine disposition, having learned to strike that balance of simply "being myself". Thought I'd give this a "bump", perhaps others will chime in??

There are a bunch of points in my transition that could qualify as tipping points.  But two stand out as being relevant to your topic.

The first was a day that I spent on my own in a city where I am not known, presenting as my new self.  While I had been out in public before, it had only been to go directly to and from my support group meetings.  Going to a nightclub, having breakfast in a coffee shop, talking to clerks in stores suddenly opened my eyes to how good it felt to be me.  Full time stopped being something scary that I wasn't sure I could pull off, and became something I had to do right now or sooner.

The second one was doing a public presentation before a large group, as Kathy.  This was about three months after starting full-time.  Standing on a stage as myself with a mike and a Powerpoint presentation, and being able to deliver an interesting technical talk without slipping up, while keeping my voice in a desirable range gave me an incredible boost in my self-confidence. 

Both were tipping points for me because they were the beginning of the self-confidence that had lacked before.  That confidence allows me now to go into any place as myself and not worry about my presentation any more than any other woman does.

Hi Moni,
While I have not reached my "tipping point" I do believe it is getting nearer and nearer.  As Kiera says, "When one gets past all the self-acceptance doubt, admits one is truly TS, and finally decides to just stop stressing over everything and go on with one's life" well, I am an about there!  Actually I admitted that I am trans about a year and a half ago which was when I became more active here on Susan's.  I have just been scared to death to take that next step because I think it will be my "tipping point". 

Well, I have made an appointment with Planned Parenthood for HRT.  I made the initial appointment on New Year's Eve but had to change it due to weather.  A few days after I changed it I ended up getting cold feet and started to get inside my head again.  I have discussed this with my wife and she keeps telling me to go ahead and just do it but I often get the feeling that if I do I will mess my life up even more and lose everything!  With that said, I rescheduled again but feel more and more comfortable about going but there is still that little itch at the back of my mind that keeps telling me not to go through with it for some reason.  I talked to my wife about that and she reasoned that it was because the second I walk in the door there and fill out the paperwork, more people now know and I am still not fully ready to come out to the world.  I think she may be correct in that. 

I say all this because I hope to find my normalcy soon!  I am happy for you Moni (and everyone else on here) who has found the courage to do what I so desire to do...become the me I know I am and the me I have been denying for my 50+ years on this earth! 
Paula

   Thank you Kiera, Kathy, and Paula for posting. I have had my horizons broadened a bit already here. I was intending to focus on later in the process of transition, but you have made me think that tipping points happen all along the way. Self acceptance is a tipping point, deciding to make actual moves to start a transition, yeah, they are important life events. So, maybe we should include the earlier events as well. So, how does one go from one life, being terrified of the thought of the immensity of it all, to a completely different place in this world and get comfortable with it? (I am binary and tend to talk in those terms so no offense to someone transitioning to non binary.) I remember being so jealous of seeing transgender people who had transitioned and seemed so at home in their skin in their new life. I was in awe. How the heck could they change their entire life like that? Here I was, I was wanting it so bad and yet, how could I jump off that cliff into a whole new place in the world. Once I made that step out into space and people knew, the old me would never be able to be on the safety of my old perch on top of the cliff.  The old me would be done, I thought. I mean being old me was not right, dysphoria like crazy, but it was safe. It was a place that I could keep all my relationships intact. I can picture that most everyone with dysphoria wrestles with this concept.
   I can only tell you my experience and hope others will contribute how they made the jump. I finally had enough of the mental turmoil. I ran from this gender issue, but it was like have a tiger tied to me by a rope. Sometimes I could outrun it but only briefly. It always caught up and seemed to overtake me. Endless cycles of this finally produced a state of desperation in me. I had to go forward and try something. At first it was, "I'll get some herbals and try to grow boobs in private, no one else need know." That didn't happen as I realized it could be dangerous. I decided to tell my doctor. Oh my gosh was I scared. I had it written out and my hands shook as I read it. I was doing electrolysis as a 'guy' and I told my technician my truth. She congratulated me. "What, you mean you are really happy for me?" I couldn't believe that someone would not just tolerate me, but they would actually be happy for me? Crazy! This is what led me to taking the steps of getting a therapist. Oh, very important in my thought process here. I went online and saw videos of people who transitioned and they were happy. In my head it really helped that a good outcome was possible. It was very, very important to my limited confidence at that point. Let me stress that I had no idea if I could really pull this off. I was being driven to move forward and the things I did do to move on made me feel okay. Scared but okay! I'll stop here before getting into going in public as 'me' or coming out to anyone.
Moni
   

Tipping points: I used to imbibe which gave me several incidents of tipping points.
... Oh, that's not what you meant ...
Tipping points: Cows
... Oh, not that either ...
Tipping points: By the time I paid for dinner, I couldn't afford it ...
... Well, crap, this is hard ...

Tipping points:

• Finding Susan's and then finding myself
• Telling my Wife
• Outing at work
• Outing to family
• Outing to close friends (more to come)
• TBA
• TBA

So many little points that were huge when I crossed them

Moni or anyone, have you had serious doubts early on on hrt whether living as a woman is what you want? Is this something that means I haven't thought it through fully before starting? My fear is that I'm still a gay male. Yet I don't like my penis. I know that doesn't mean I'm a woman, not necessarily at least. I do like the camaraderie between women, being treated/seen as a lady, feeling soft and feminine. And the list goes on. But society deems these things as weak too.

As for "tipping point" I'm not far enough along to be too valid yet. But I do like the emotions. It's empowering to feel dynamically this way. It's as if I can finally face what's been my problem all along (gender) and I don't want to miss a moment.

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@ Allison
I had the solid support of a psychiatrist during transition and he was very careful to never suggest or imply anything. He never said I was TG, he never said I was or wasn't Gay and he never made me make a decision. What he did do was get me to talk about myself, my feelings and my desires. He was careful to make sure that I talked through my feelings about gender identity and he gave me the time and place to do so safely. Making the decision was pretty easy after that. 

He also quickly realised that once he got me talking that he was in serious trouble and couldn't find a way to shut me up.

Tipping points. There were many I presume. It seems so long ago now and other adventures have happened. However there as one incident that occurred a week after going full time.

Part of my job at that time was teaching Immunology to medical students. It was a series of about 10 lectures, fortnightly to 300 students. One week I was Prof Peter the next fortnight I was Prof Cindy.  My psychiatrist guided me through it with his usual helpful remarks. "How are you going to cope with standing in front of 300 students wearing female clothing and having a new name, highlighted on your PowerPoint slides displayed to all?" I did note the lack of options that were being given to me in the comment.

I do remember being a little nervous as I walked in wearing a blouse, skirt and knee length boots. I do recall some smiles and mutters from some young girls in the font row. (I shut them up in a nice way  ;D). I remember seeing students completely ignore me and play with their iPads/phones as usual.

I remember the end when one (female) student walked up to me and said. "I love your boots and want a pair, where did you get them?" That was the only comment I got.

I then realised that the only person who cared about me being transgender was me and if I accepted it then that was all that mattered.

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 03, 2018, 04:46:19 PMSo, how does one go from one life, being terrified of the thought of the immensity of it all, to a completely different place in this world and get comfortable with it?

       Moni can I interject an observation about "tipping points"? Because really do feel times have changed and notice many here do not list their birth age . . . You equate the decision to transition with "jumping off a cliff" whereas I no longer see it that way at all. Nothing has to be "life-shattering" if viewed as taking small steps instead. I previously mentioned "balance" and by that I mean "the cis world" surrounding us is the actual fulcrum point and only needs time to catch up? Perhaps "keep up" would be a more prudent term?

We lead the way not 'THEM'!!

        PaulaLee YOU, and perhaps your supportive spouse, are the only one(s) in ultimate control of any decision to seek a transition and NOT some doctor or therapist of random choosing! Planned Parenthood really?? If still in Nashville you are only 3 hours from Atlanta which I consider as the underground TS capital of the world! Life is long been consciously pushing "the gender envelope" for the last forty years am starting to think may "pass" thru that "acceptance" gate yet but one must remember "timing & methods" are of your choice and not somebody else!

My "therapist" is TS how could a "cis" one possibly truly understand?

       Stop Fretting It and just be true to your second natural instincts! "6 And you, son of man, be not afraid of them, nor be afraid of their words, though briers and thorns are with you and you sit on scorpions.2 Be not afraid of their words, nor be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house."

       The above-quoted passage from EZEKIEL 2 was one of those huge supportive "fulcrum point" adjustments for me insofar as I was forced to admit in open Superior Court "I am transgender" and wound up with eventual custody of my two young children anyway! And, perhaps more importantly, divorced wife and I are once again together (lol in parenting "spirit" if not in actual "conjugal matter"!)

As older I've realized it's not so much about what one "gains" that's important but rather what one manages to "keep"!!

I've fallen in love and it's reciprocated. Love has already changed me and for the better. Tipping point may not be the right word, I can see the precipice and it's already far above me and rising higher away all the time.

This is huge for me and too fresh to go into the details here in public posting.

She changes me, love changes us.

Quote from: Allison S on February 03, 2018, 10:26:46 PM
Moni or anyone, have you had serious doubts early on on hrt whether living as a woman is what you want? Is this something that means I haven't thought it through fully before starting? My fear is that I'm still a gay male. Yet I don't like my penis. I know that doesn't mean I'm a woman, not necessarily at least. I do like the camaraderie between women, being treated/seen as a lady, feeling soft and feminine. And the list goes on. But society deems these things as weak too.

As for "tipping point" I'm not far enough along to be too valid yet. But I do like the emotions. It's empowering to feel dynamically this way. It's as if I can finally face what's been my problem all along (gender) and I don't want to miss a moment.

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Allison,
   Pretend for a moment that it is not you in the circumstances you are in right now, but a friend. Would you not expect that friend to have doubts on her/his path. Could you even see that having those doubts could be a sign of being mentally healthy. That friend is proceeding, yet mindful of how they are feeling. They are not blindly going forth on a new path on some whim. I think you are thinking this through. Your eyes are open. Can you get a guarantee that each step you take is right, nope. I was afraid I was doing something I'd regret, but I also knew that if things turned out to be wrong, I would take another fork in the road and still end up better off.  This is my opinion, based on my life, that the saddest thing is sitting in misery for years, with fear ruling your life instead of you and never making an attempt to find what you really want. You should be proud of yourself Allison, you are not being weak at all.
Moni

   Thank you Cindy, I was hoping for stories such as yours. A word on your last sentence, " I then realized that the only person who cared about me being transgender was me, and if I accepted it that was all that mattered." That is the holy grail there, isn't it. Self acceptance is the key whether you are open about being trans or non-disclosing of your past. It is a process that each of us works on in our own way. I am still working on it at times.

   Kiera, I think in some respects you are right, it is getting easier for the younger generation. Yea! Still, when one first comes out, emotionally I think the thought of stepping off a cliff is still valid. You start at this stable place, but once you make your thoughts known to others, you no longer have total control and that is very scary. I love the fact that you mentioned taking things in small pieces. You may have noticed I am fond of mountain analogies, lol.  Once you decide to move forward and you are off that cliff and landed so to speak, you are looking at the new life you want to create. You sit and think, OMG I have all these things to do that are new to me, hormones, and clothes, and mannerisms, and going out in public, and on and on. If you look at the mountain you have to climb for this new life, I can understand the desire to curl up in a ball and cry for a fortnight. You are so right about taking it in chunks, in small manageable parts.

   Speaking of holy grails Sadie, if you found love, you got it.


   Just a word about the thread then I'll shut up (for now). I am thankful for every single post on here. I think I will step in at times to maybe steer this in a way to make it a coherent read for someone who might be struggling and happen upon it. I may not directly speak to what some write but it doesn't mean I am not grateful for your thoughts. My main focus is what might help someone who is having questions or doubts or needs feedback. Thanks lovely people!
Moni

Moni,

You're such an inspiration. I will get to where you are someday, and following your story has helped me find the confidence to keep moving that direction.

There have been so many tipping points for me in the last 8 months, but a few stand out, possibly because they're so recent. They're all documented in my personal thread.

One was my first face-to-face meeting as my new self with a potential customer., just last week. Whether he dealt with me as Stephanie, or as my old self in transition didn't matter. We had business to discuss, and that's where the conversation stayed.

Another was just yesterday. It was a full day of acceptance and affirmation that left me confident and more sure of myself than I've ever been.

But by far the most important step was the trip to see Kendra a few weeks ago. Again, all the gory details (of the first day only so far) are in my personal thread, so I'll try to keep this short (quiet, Laurie). It was three days of immersion in life the way it should be, with no misgendering, always being called the correct name, and loving people all around. I had deep meaningful interactions with the people who know me and really get it because they've been there and done that - and interactions with all other people were friendly, respectful, and as far as I know, only conducted with the woman named Stephanie who I have become. While the stark contrast between that life and the one I had to come back to was emotionally jarring, the end result was the realization that yes, I can do this, and I need to quit being so afraid all the time. It was much like what Kathy said:

QuoteThe first was a day that I spent on my own in a city where I am not known, presenting as my new self.  While I had been out in public before, it had only been to go directly to and from my support group meetings.  Going to a nightclub, having breakfast in a coffee shop, talking to clerks in stores suddenly opened my eyes to how good it felt to be me.  Full time stopped being something scary that I wasn't sure I could pull off, and became something I had to do right now or sooner.

Though I have been full time for quite a while now, it was always with an undercurrent of anxiety and fear. Because of these recent milestones, much of that seems to have faded.

Stephanie

Quote from: Cindy on February 04, 2018, 12:23:27 AM
I then realised that the only person who cared about me being transgender was me and if I accepted it then that was all that mattered.

Quote from: HappyMoniThat is the holy grail there, isn't it. Self acceptance is the key whether you are open about being trans or non-disclosing of your past. It is a process that each of us works on in our own way.

I just wrote about this last night to another dear friend who I'd met here. The subject was about living a liminal existence, stuck in transition, always striving for, but never reaching ciswomanhood:

Quote from: Steph2.0I've seen others talk about this and have wondered, what does it matter? If you are embraced as a woman by those around you, the thought that you are and will always be trans is only in your head, and not visible or important to the rest of the world. Sure, I'll never be fully female - unless something revolutionary happens with genetic technology, it's just not possible - but there's no reason that after a while anybody else in the world would view me as anything but female. It's my plan and expectation that eventually "trans" will fade from my psyche, and while intellectually I'll have to acknowledge that I was once a man, for all practical purposes it will no longer matter. Life will continue, with occasional bits of history popping up to remind me or others who I once was, but if I live my life well, I will be loved and respected for who I am in the moment. And I fully expect you to reach that point, too.

For what it's worth...

Stephanie

Oh Moni I could write a dissertation on this, maybe I will :-)

What I have isn't the Grail, it's maybe a glimpse? "We already have one, go and find your own you silly English knights"

Now as to this notion that you may be able to steer a conversation? Control is so illusory sweetheart ;-).

I love this thread and everyone on this forum... [emoji4]

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When my facial hair became manageable...I stopped looking in the mirror constantly, put on my makeup once in the morning and didn't have to touch it up throughout the day

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 02, 2018, 08:14:34 PMI referred to a tipping point. What I mean is that time where things start to get a lot easier, where living starts to gear up and the transition part starts to fade. My hope is that this thread might continue for a while and be something that people can read to get some encouragement. My new reality is so good for me, and I know others have positive stories to be shared...

I will leave it for now with a request for stories of memorable transition events where things seemed changed for you after they happen. What changed you? I never know if a thread will fall on its face, but I am hoping for something uplifting if you can give it a try.

Being misgendered is never easy.  To me, the whole point of a binary transition is to elicit correct gendering, from self and others.  So my tipping points have all revolved around social encounters, usually a few months after important surgeries.

One such point occurred about five months out after facial surgery.  I joined a book club, meeting people I'd never met before, and slowly started socializing with the people there.  Well, I really clicked with this one guy, and we ended up going out for coffee and such several times, hanging out at the bookstore and such.  A couple months into this, he's walking me back to my car, and as we're chatting there, me in the car and him outside, he leans down and steals a kiss from me.

It was electric.  I didn't ask for this, not consciously, but I liked this.  I knew it couldn't go forward with this guy at the time -- I still had SRS a few months out -- but I knew at that point what my future would look like.  That was also the end of my existing relationship, which of course was difficult but ultimately for the best (women who aren't lesbians tend not to make a very good lesbian couple). 

The other tipping point was 10 weeks after SRS, when I first had proper intercourse with a guy.  I didn't come, but it was still a powerful experience on my psyche, and it was at this point I knew that transition was finally over. All there was left to do was to just go out and live a woman's life.  And that's exactly what I did.

Sophia, what you say sounds great and well, misgendering is just a part of my life. I accept it because the options are worse. To wit: I certainly can't afford ffs or facial electrolysis and daily shaving to try to pass would also require makeup that's fairly impractical at this point in my life.

And you know, I had a beautiful sweet lesbian woman a couple of weeks ago say how beautiful my vagina was. That's all I need in my life, to be seen for who I am when it matters most.

My one post op hetero experience so far was decidedly underwhelming, let's say I tried it to see and I'll probably do it again, it certainly pleases my vanity to hear a guy enjoying himself.

For me there's just no comparing that experience with making love with a woman who in turn makes love to me. I had enough experience with the rare lesbian who was interested in playing with me that I know now just how long I've been yearning for this.

So yeah that's my tipping point, I'm falling off a cliff, determined to keep falling. I've been a highly sexual and loving person my whole adult life and I've spent much of it trying to connect love and sexuality with women. For the first couple of decades of my adult life i "knew" I was male and of course that was wrong. For the next two decades sure, I knew who I was but not being fully convinced, I certainly didn't do a good job of convincing my partners.

Like you Sophia, I've yet to orgasm but damn, there's nothing before that ever compared to being kissed by a woman as she took me.

Wake up Moni, it's time to write!

I have been doing a lot of thinking, and a letter to a friend helped me formulate this next post. There is such a wide range of folks who might be reading this, from those just starting to those who have been living their transition a lot longer than me. I while back, a shooting star of a person came onto this site. She started very timidly and I was one of the first to greet her and encourage her to speak. Well, she kind of exploded with her experiences and was so kind and inspirational to me. I call her a shooting star because as quickly as she came, she was gone. What she did for me is still with me though. So, what was this magical thing that she offered? Well, at the time, I was scared, scared in a way I never have experienced before. It was related to arranging my surgery, but it was also involving my adjustments to living full time. At that point, I was pretty tense, things were requiring a lot of effort. I mean, I was worried about how I was viewed, if I passed, is this or that person hostile. Even though I had proclaimed my self acceptance logically, well, emotionally it was a definite struggle. I had picked out a little safe 'transitional island' for me to land   on and I didn't leave it very often. So along comes this shooting star and she opens up a vision of my future. Speaking from her actual experience, she instilled confidence in me that in my future, things would become so normal for me in my life as a woman. I would have many wondrous  experiences ahead of me. One of the milestones she pointed out was related to GCS. For my life this was a personal game changer emotionally, just as she had said. It  was only a part of the picture (and for other folks not at all.)
Socially, I am seeing things normalize just as she said. To all those who are having to put a lot of mental effort into being transitioned, keep the faith. Things will get normalized, the effort becomes less and your comfort only increases. Living it, experiencing it, immersing yourself in your new life, these are the things that will get you to that higher plane of being your true self. Don't beat yourself up because you might still be in a struggle stage. In some respects, on some days, I still am. I am still on the transition path but I am definitely seeing the living it part now too. It is pretty cool. I am also taking my own advice and believe it will get even better.
So, what I described above is my longest running tipping point. It was certainly not sudden, but oh what a difference it made. lol
Moni

I have one thing to add on a personal note. I made an appointment for my first BA consultation with Dr. Basner in Baltimore. I then made a few calls about my prescriptions to the insurance company. I was gendered correctly every time which is kind of new for me. It really felt good. It's gettin better!
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 07, 2018, 03:45:35 PM
I have one thing to add on a personal note. I made an appointment for my first BA consultation with Dr. Basner in Baltimore. I then made a few calls about my prescriptions to the insurance company. I was gendered correctly every time which is kind of new for me. It really felt good. It's gettin better!
Moni

Woohoo! You go Moni [emoji4]

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Aw Moni, sing it sister!

Right you are, it's been a hell of a year for us :-). I know what you mean about mentors who help amazingly and then maybe disappear. For me it was rubyaliza who'd gone to the same practice I went to for GCS and was a goddess sent angel for raising my confidence in the outcome.

Monica    I can't have GCS so I envy you for that. But I can report after a year and half on HRT the place that made me start to be normal was at Gender Odyssey. Just walking in and seeing 1700 other people told me I had finally found my element. It was not so long ago I thought it would never happen. Thankfully Dena was there to give me some good advice and I proceeded to a hormonal  solution. Am I normal? No  Am I content? Yes. If you get the opportunity to attend next August I highly recommend it.

Dawn

Hi Moni,
    This is a really awesome thread.  While I am in the very early stages of transition (only about a month and a half since I made that decision), I have really been transitioning my entire life as I slowly put the pieces together.  That moment on January 4th 2018 wasn't so much the feeling of being atop a cliff with the decision of having to jump (ok, thinking back, I can maybe see that too), but since then it has been more like taking my foot off of the brakes and just letting my vehicle accelerate naturally, going faster and faster.  No matter how I look at it, it was definitely a tipping point.  Today was my third time out in public...not even close to passing...wheeeee!
    Jan. 4th was a Sunday and I called the therapist the next day. When she suggested a date later in the week, I couldn't wait and asked her if she had something that day....and off to the races.


            Julie

 Hi Moni,

  I just want to congratulate you on another good thoughtful thread. Many good and thoughtful things have been said here that hold value for others who read it and especially of value to those newer folk here. Sadly, once again I find myself with nothing of value to contribute. So I will continue to read and perhaps learn something in the process.

Hugs,
  Laurie

It was a hard emotional day today. I feel like I need to try to turn something very sad for me into some kind of positive. I am thinking of how fragile and precious life is tonight. Whether it is another horrible school shooting or the news of health issues in my family, I am mindful of the one life we have to live. I am very grateful at this moment to be living genuinely. I took a long time to get here. I know the reason I waited is probably very similar to what some readers of this thread are going through right now. It is so hard to realize that we don't have forever. Our day to day fears seem so much more real than the thought of us long term being true to ourselves. As a late in life transitioner, I feel like many people my age are gearing their lives down. For me, I am living my new life  and have had to gear everything up for this new life. I feel invigorated if anything. I want as much time as possible to just live my little Moni life. I want to appreciate all that I denied myself before. Do yourself a favor. Stop, think, if you are miserable, don't accept it. Take a chance at being happy. Take steps to go for what you want. This is a transition thread. Don't let your fear keep you in a state of suspended animation. Yes it is hard. Yes it is risky as far as losing people. No one can decide if transition is right for you but you. If you need to go forward, grab for it. It is an emotional crazy roller coaster at first. I am here to say that it can work out well. I am me and no one can take that away from this girl. Fight foryou.

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 16, 2018, 08:44:35 PM
I want to appreciate all that I denied myself before. Do yourself a favor. Stop, think, if you are miserable, don't accept it. Take a chance at being happy. Take steps to go for what you want. This is a transition thread. Don't let your fear keep you in a state of suspended animation. Yes it is hard. Yes it is risky as far as losing people. No one can decide if transition is right for you but you. If you need to go forward, grab for it. It is an emotional crazy roller coaster at first. I am here to say that it can work out well. I am me and no one can take that away from this girl. Fight foryou.

Yes yes and thrice yes!!  Damn the torpedoes full speed ahead!  I feel the same way.  Your words are truly inspirational.

         -Julie

Hi Moni,

For me, I realized one big tipping point. I first began to become aware of my true gender three years ago next week. It was a slow growing awareness that just kept getting better and better. I was finding an identity that allowed me to finally find happiness. I kept believing that I was in control, that this was something that I could go to for a happiness fix and then walk away. Then one night a year ago last October 15th I realized that I was transgender and that there was nothing that I could do about it. My choices were to accept the truth and like it or die. That was a long hard night that could have gone either way. My wife and I were able to talk it through and accept that I needed to be me and we were both committed to going for it. The past year and four months have been all about transitioning and figuring out how to live this amazing life as a pair of the craziest old ladies you will ever meet.

Tia Anne

Feeling happy and content... those are nice things. Right now I'm really struggling with love. Ok maybe not love but there's this guy... I don't know what I would do if he knew how I felt about him and he rejects me.

Lately I've been doing what Michelle_P suggested and telling myself that I'm worthy, loved and loveable. Really sticking to this self affirmation to learn to love...

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Moni, I think we spent very similar Fridays. Granted my sadness came down to realizing I definitely wasn't going to get laid this weekend ;-). On the other hand my intended date for today has promised to make it up to me when she's back in town and there's little doubt that we like each other well enough that some form of romance is in the offing.  So yay for love, yay for sex or it's possibility.

Yay for life and living every moment to the fullest. Hugs to you in sisterhood ms Moni!

Hi Moni,

I absolutely love everything you wrote except this:

Quotemy little Moni life

Your life is not little.

You took charge of your own destiny.
You overcame fears and obstacles that most people in this world can't even understand.
You chose to stay around and help people who are going through the same thing when you had every right to finally relax and move on.
You pulled happiness out of a world that seems intent on making everyone miserable.
You completely remade your life.
You learned to love yourself.
You took your excess love and poured it on us. We feel it.

You have become a strong, happy, beautiful woman.

All of that makes your life the biggest thing in the world.


- Stephanie

Julie, I love your enthusiasm, thank you.

Anne, I am honored to have shared much of our journey's with each other. These tipping points are important, in my opinion, to share with folks who are not as far along. I think we are both involved in the normalization process now. I know that in my transition, I wanted to know that the things that I went through that were hard or awkward would one day become easy, routine. Life in my appropriate gender has become way more natural than I imagined. I know it sounds over exuberant but I am experiencing each day with excitement and a level of self comfort I have never had before.

Allison, one of the things that you can do to be attractive to someone is be good with yourself. If you work on being confident in who you are people will see that. Finding love is a difficult thing. If you are in the process of making a lot of changes in your life, be patient, don't panic about the love thing. I know, easy to say right. You'll get there! Michelle is right, be positive. What is more attractive to you in a guy, someone who is upbeat and confident, or someone who is more of a downer. It goes both ways.

How did you two slip in here?

Sadie, I mean this only half jokingly, your horniness inspires me.  ;D Guess I need more Testosterone cream.


Steph  (with or without the fridge thingy),
   Like I said, 'my little Moni life.'  I am so lucky. Many of the things you listed were done with incredible support. In my head, I have no idea if the things I say really help. I hope they do for sure. I hope they don't come off as preachy. My intention is to help anyone I can move forward away from that horrible place where dysphoria rules. I will always remember how that felt. Thank you for your kindness.
PS Not worried about beautiful. My personal goal is to just be 'the girl next door.' I'd be happy with 'the broad next door,' but my hips are too small.  :P

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 16, 2018, 08:44:35 PM
As a late in life transitioner, I feel like many people my age are gearing their lives down. For me, I am living my new life  and have had to gear everything up for this new life. I feel invigorated if anything. I want as much time as possible to just live my little Moni life. I want to appreciate all that I denied myself before.

Exactly. I'm 55, started transition a little over a year ago.  In many ways I feel my life is just getting started.

It is causing some problems as my wife sees it as leaving the old life behind, including her.  Of course I understand why she might feel that way.  This isn't what she signed up for. 

I want everyone along with me as I do this, especially her.  The only thing I want to leave behind is pretending to be something that I am not. 

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Hi Moni,

I like your choice of words in "Normalization". I earlier described my tipping point. It was a BIG DEAL to be able to accept and like myself and for Deb and I to figure out how WE could come through this together, stronger than before. Oh yeh, and to also survive. That was my tipping point. These other things; hrt, out full time, hair transplants (getting rid of the wig, awesome), GCS, each and everyone of them fantastic and needed (please, I am not trivializing these amazing steps), but for me, they were just icing on the cake. I believe that I transitioned that night that I accepted myself, since then it has been refinements and trying to figure out how to live life as me; yes, normalizing my new life. And yes, it does just keep getting better and better!

Tia Anne

I sometimes wonder how long normalization will take. I said before that I have started  more living it and less 'transitioning' it. I have a way to go though. I still have a lot of times where I have not mentally accepted that I can do  things that other women know they can do. Like I can't imagine just walking into a salon and getting my nails done yet. I haven't gone into a store and bought some sexy lingerie. (Analogy alert for those of you with allergies.) I feel like my whole life I was the proverbial round peg in a square hole. I was the female brained person trying to fit into a male pattern of living. I did it so long, I got squeezed and distorted in the whole process. Now that I am finally a round peg  in a round whole, I see that I am relaxing more and my distortion is easing. It does take time to do this. The old barriers pop into my head sometimes. What do I mean? Well I got bad news yesterday at work. I got upset, tried to keep it together, but lost it when someone offered me a consoling hug. I mean I couldn't stop crying in front of two people I work closely with. Okay, so today, the thoughts started, "Did I make a fool of myself? Did I show weakness?" Then I thought, "You dummy, new rules not old." I can show emotion and be vulnerable. It is  no longer, "show no emotion and never, ever cry in front of  others." Yeah, that was square hole rules.
So, I would be interested  in what others think about this process. As for me, do I keep going at my pace, gradually live my new life and let new experiences  slowly transform me? Do I push myself to do the things I haven't yet done? Yeah, I know, rhetorical question, as I alone know that, but what would you do? I am convinced that the more you experience, the more normalization happens. The quicker normalization happens, the quicker transition can be left behind or made more comfortable.

Moni, I am going to argue that normalization is just another word for living your life. You mentioned you can't imagine just walking into a salon and getting your nails done (by the way, you should just go and get them done, along with a pedicure, it feels so fine to be spoiled and it is really ok to enjoy the feeling). I know several cis women that have never done that. Your bucket list may not be that different than many natal women. Should you hurry accomplishing a list of experiences that you consider essential to be a woman.......silly question. I believe that a normalized life is doing things that you enjoy and being comfortable with, add more as the opportunity comes up. If you are uncomfortable doing some things alone, take a girl friend along. This is also a new round peg ok thing to do. So many experiences are so much more enjoyable with the social aspect added. Shopping is not about hunting and gathering, it is an opportunity to spend time with a friend or two and if something catches your eye, buy it, or not. If you find some thing that really bothers you and you feel that you need to get past the bother, it is ok to challenge yourself, but it may not be all that critical a thing to do.

Ok, I will stop blathering on,
Love you girl!
Tia Anne

Moni, for once I think I can weigh into your thread without dragging your discussion into the realm of sexuality ... Well you did mention sexy lingerie ;-).

I've been buying lingerie at VS and local places since the '80s. Of course prior to '97 when I started buying for myself  the trips were for my now ex wife ... Well gifts for myself for her to wear. After realizing I was trans I spent at least a decade telling the sales staff I was buying for my GF, eventually I just stopped giving a reason.

I started going to a salon as soon as I'd grown my hair out far enough to warrant a trim, probably  8 months after starting HRT and announcing my transition. I was simply motivated, my hair is one of the few things I can address to.feel more femme.

Uncomfortable for me is going into a bar on lesbian night, for that I want a wing woman. My women's groups aren't easy to walk into but once there I find myself at ease as soon as things get started.

Happy you're moving forward Ms Moni!

Quote from: Anne Blake on February 17, 2018, 10:08:50 PM
Moni, I am going to argue that normalization is just another word for living your life.

   
"Moni, I am going to argue that normalization is just another word for living your life." Tia Anne quote.

Thank you Anne! My distinction is physically yes, mentally no. After you transition, you wear appropriate clothes, you do things on the outside that jive with you being normalized in all visible respects. The place where I see a distinction between living your life and normalization is mentally and emotionally. My goal here is to explore the mental process of the transition mentality fading away and catching up to a mental state where most everything is normal.  (Semantically it could be  argued that living life is a process but that is not my focus here.) This happens differently for different people. I think a large part of it is repetition. I feel very much normalized at work since I go there as Moni, interact as Moni, am accepted as Moni. When I went to work after first presenting, I was living my life, yeah, but it wasn't normalized. It didn't feel natural yet, as it was so new. It's not even specific to being trans. If I returned to work after an accident and was in a wheelchair it would take a  while for it to feel natural or 'normalized.' Of course, there are incidents at work where I feel kind of lost still. I am still exploring the different dynamic of talking to guys. I have certain conversations especially with younger woman where I am at a loss as to what I have to contribute.
   Sadie, you mentioned wanting a wing woman going into a bar. Anne, you mentioned  taking someone with me if I didn't feel comfortable doing certain things. I get that. I guess I would say that if it is just a comfort thing of having someone along, that is part of living life. If the thought process is, "How do I fit in as a new woman? How do I act or respond to people as the new me?" Well, that is normalization or lack of it.
   I don't know, pre-transition these are things I wondered about. What is it like once you are living as 'new you.' Are you terrified? How quickly do you adjust to the new reality? I never saw a lot of talk about it. Much of what is on this site is wrestling with dysphoria, transition steps, coming out, etc. I thought it would be nice to talk a little about after the transition fireworks go off. What do transitioners have to look forward to. I mean like Steph said, it is good that I stuck around after earning the right to relax and move on. Well, I am still normalizing my life. I am not hesitant to admit it. I am still in my process. Isn't that worth the time to talk about some? Well I hope anyway.
   Thank you ladies, I hope you and others will continue to add to this. Come one, come all! Now Sadie, I didn't mention lingerie this time. lol
Moni

Dear Moni - thank you for initiating this thread and keeping it moving. It is invaluable to me as someone early in the process (although very long in the knowing who I am). As an experimentalist, my approach has been to try something, see how I respond, then either take a step forward or step back. Tia Anne and Deb have been catalyst in my experimentation for moving into the public arena.

A major question in the process has been « when I get to the other side of this process will if find the contentment (normalization) that I have hoped for, or will it have been an illusion (grass is greener on the other side) and I will find that have disrupted the lives of those around me and left a trail of damage without seeing a net improvement? ». From those that I know personally, the answer is that there is a net positive, but I am always curious to see what others experience.

Thanks again, Anne


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Quote from: anne_indy on February 18, 2018, 11:07:27 AM
Dear Moni - thank you for initiating this thread and keeping it moving. It is invaluable to me as someone early in the process (although very long in the knowing who I am). As an experimentalist, my approach has been to try something, see how I respond, then either take a step forward or step back. Tia Anne and Deb have been catalyst in my experimentation for moving into the public arena.

A major question in the process has been « when I get to the other side of this process will if find the contentment (normalization) that I have hoped for, or will it have been an illusion (grass is greener on the other side) and I will find that have disrupted the lives of those around me and left a trail of damage without seeing a net improvement? ». From those that I know personally, the answer is that there is a net positive, but I am always curious to see what others experience.

Thanks again, Anne


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Anne, there is a lot of wisdom in that short post of yours. First having Tia Anne and Deb, the two crazy old ladies (Tia's words, not mine) as your 'in public' catalyst is smart. They are awesome. I love the idea of you experimenting and watching how you react. So smart! I can very much relate to not knowing early on the value of what I was endeavoring to do. A big part of me moving forward was knowing that good outcomes were possible. Happy trans stories don't get a lot of press in the US especially a few years back. Also thank you for writing, it is good to know that there is value for others in this effort.

Just a word here. I would say that  this thread perhaps isn't for everyone.  If you are reading it and find it unrelatable because your path is different than a full transition, there is no disrespect intended here. I would say that a good friend of mine, Denni, started a thread about her transition that I believe is of much value on this site. I have heard many say something like 'full transition or no transition.' I hope people will go to the  "Red Headed Step Child"  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234332.msg2093154.html#msg2093154) thread and share about their less visible or less total transitions. There are multiple solutions to coping with dysphoria, all of which can be quite valid.
Moni
Now Girl, run with it.

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 18, 2018, 09:18:08 AM
   
   I don't know, pre-transition these are things I wondered about. What is it like once you are living as 'new you.' Are you terrified? How quickly do you adjust to the new reality? I never saw a lot of talk about it. Much of what is on this site is wrestling with dysphoria, transition steps, coming out, etc. I thought it would be nice to talk a little about after the transition fireworks go off. What do transitioners have to look forward to. I mean like Steph said, it is good that I stuck around after earning the right to relax and move on. Well, I am still normalizing my life. I am not hesitant to admit it. I am still in my process. Isn't that worth the time to talk about some? Well I hope anyway.
   Thank you ladies, I hope you and others will continue to add to this. Come one, come all! Now Sadie, I didn't mention lingerie this time. lol
Moni

Moni, you are asking about life as "the new me", so here is a snap shot that addresses a few of your ponderings.

Deb and I are in the middle of a two week road trip. It started a week ago last Friday with the two of us driving to Las Vegas. We spent five days on the strip, people watching, eating, bling shopping, catching an Elton John show (awesome!), etc.; just being an eccentric pair of old ladies. We enjoyed the opportunity to meet with Cassi for dinner one night. No biggies as far as being transgender stood out. We just spent the week as a pair of ladies, happily married to each other and no one seemed to notice that one of us happened to be transgender. We did hit Victoria's Secret to pick up a couple of items (had to include a lingerie comment). I did cross off a new first time thing by buying a new bathing suit, I love the fit and look but no pictures until I wear it on a beach somewhere. One of the biggest joys for me since coming out is getting out into the world, either with Deb or by myself and interacting with others. Before, I was a loner, now I find myself to be a very social (individual or small group interactions) person. Heading out on my own for a bit of shopping, a cup of coffee or bite to eat does not bring up any trepidation but happy anticipation. This is a change that Deb is happy to see in me.

This week is different, we are currently spending the night in Amarillo on our way to the Dallas area for another all day electrolysis session. Driving through west Texas with a burgeoning beard while wearing a cute skirt and top does try my comfort zone considerably. It gets easier each trip that I make down here but it will never be easy. Walking into the hotel to check in and willfully accepting the recognition and implied judgement of the clerk is hard for me but it is part of the life that I have chosen.

So what is left that I am considering working on; getting more comfortable being out and me, my voice will need constant focus to keep it where it does not draw too much attention, I still get read from time to time so I am beginning to consider if ffs will reduce that, I am finding that I am really liking spending time in safe environments with members of my own tribe that I can talk with freely without worry of judgement. Other than that, keep on getting crazier and more eccentric.

Tia Anne

Been thinking! Uh oh! Yeah been thinking about my transitioned life lately. I had a brief time recently where I was lamenting not having been born female. Something will spark a thought and it kind of hits. It is rare though, well, now it is. Before transition, "->-bleeped-<-et a bout it!" It was bad. More often now, I go through my days and think less and less about being trans. My voice  tends to bring that reality back more than anything. I think on a 'passing by people in the hallways' basis, I am passing pretty well. On a beautiful springlike day here on the east coast, I am more likely thinking how lucky I am to be living female. In a humorous exchange, a friend at work asked me if I had any hair on my legs. I am open with this friend and I said I don't have much since hormones. He said that he never has had a lot of hair there. Of course I had to tease him that it was an excellent qualification to come to the "dark side" like I did. He laughed. I just started thinking though that he actually enjoys living as a guy. I don't get it at all. For me, everything is just a little sweeter, experiencing life as a girl. It's funny, but I had a bit of a flash moment on my way home tonight. I saw a little girl of 5 or 6 in a frilly little dress looking up intently at her mother. In that second, I thought, there is no way she is going to appreciate being female more than I do.

Quote from: anne_indy on February 18, 2018, 11:07:27 AM

A major question in the process has been « when I get to the other side of this process will if find the contentment (normalization) that I have hoped for, or will it have been an illusion (grass is greener on the other side) and I will find that have disrupted the lives of those around me and left a trail of damage without seeing a net improvement? ». From those that I know personally, the answer is that there is a net positive, but I am always curious to see what others experience.

Thanks again, Anne


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Anne,
   It may only apply to my life, but I think rather than disrupting a lot of lives, my transitioning has brought a lot of good to people. People need to be challenged, have there horizons widened. It isn't always pretty, but I see so much good that has happened to others as a result of my situation. My story  has forced a lot of people to think more tolerantly than they would have. Not to give credit to me, I only did what I need to, but this has made folks become better people.

Tia Anne,
   Wow, so many Ann's and Anne's. lol Thank you for sharing Sweetie. I can now go a week without shaving. I have to wait for the growth cycles to finish up, but my face is finally smooth.  I wonder how long before I forget how it felt to have a beard. I already forgot what it is like to have Clyde, were it was positioned, what it looked like. Funny how the brain adapts.

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 21, 2018, 04:46:57 PM
It may only apply to my life, but I think rather than disrupting a lot of lives, my transitioning has brought a lot of good to people. People need to be challenged, have there horizons widened.

I knew before I started transitioning that this had the potential to disrupt lives.  Well, only fair, I figured, seeing how disrupted my life was up to that point.

But in reality, while I surprised a few people, I disrupted no one's life.  I threw them a curve ball and they caught it.  I have probably broadened a few horizons.

I broadened one yesterday.  There is one elderly lady who is an infrequent drop-in at the weekly community coffee gathering.  I know she was at the meeting last year when I came out, but she might not have seen me since.  And I was in boy mode that time, so she might not have seen me properly dressed.  Whether she didn't hear me back then, or whether she just forgot, she greeted me in the parking lot with, "Hi, <deadname>."  I did correct her, because knowing my proper name is a necessity, but I didn't give her a hard time about it.  She's older than dirt, so that earns her some slack.  Hopefully, my girl mode presentation was feminine enough to make a lasting impression.

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 23, 2018, 06:57:23 AM
I knew before I started transitioning that this had the potential to disrupt lives.  Well, only fair, I figured, seeing how disrupted my life was up to that point.

But in reality, while I surprised a few people, I disrupted no one's life.  I threw them a curve ball and they caught it.  I have probably broadened a few horizons.

I broadened one yesterday.  There is one elderly lady who is an infrequent drop-in at the weekly community coffee gathering.  I know she was at the meeting last year when I came out, but she might not have seen me since.  And I was in boy mode that time, so she might not have seen me properly dressed.  Whether she didn't hear me back then, or whether she just forgot, she greeted me in the parking lot with, "Hi, <deadname>."  I did correct her, because knowing my proper name is a necessity, but I didn't give her a hard time about it.  She's older than dirt, so that earns her some slack.  Hopefully, my girl mode presentation was feminine enough to make a lasting impression.

Kathy,

   I really think the amount of disruption depends on environmental factors such as area of country, religious backgrounds, age etc. It varies greatly I'm sure. We were pretty lucky.

   Hey Kathy, I have really started dressing more femininely lately at work. I tended not to do that at first. I have to lift kids in my job, so no dresses. I found that some people seem to be 'dead pronouning' me less and and new people are acting less 'ify' with me since I started doing this. Wondered if you have seen any correlation. Of course, this is also more comfortable for me.
   I actually had a very different situation happen today. I was off site from my job. I had a real nice outfit on (if I do say so myself) and a guy came up and was real friendly. He was on the younger side. I kind of realized that he was really hanging around way longer than I thought he would. I started getting the feeling that he was hanging around because I was there, like in a checking me out sense. Of course, I could be totally wrong, but to someone who usually feels kind of invisible, it was definitely different and, well, nice.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 23, 2018, 07:13:16 PM
   Hey Kathy, I have really started dressing more femininely lately at work. I tended not to do that at first. I have to lift kids in my job, so no dresses. I found that some people seem to be 'dead pronouning' me less and and new people are acting less 'ify' with me since I started doing this. Wondered if you have seen any correlation. Of course, this is also more comfortable for me.

Correlation with what?  Dressing more femininely and being gendered correctly?  I don't know.  I haven't been misgendered a lot.  When it happens, it is mostly people who know better, but just slip up.  They correct themselves immediately.  I don't really count those.

The incident with the elderly lady at coffee, might be presentation-related.  My indoor attire was definitely femme: wine-red cords, and a gray cardigan with sparkles, over a striped shirt that matched the pants.  But she saw me and dead-named me out in the parking lot, where I was wearing a winter jacket.  Personally, I think the look was still pretty femme even with the jacket, but maybe not enough to clue her in.

I don't do androgynous any more unless I am chopping firewood or something.  Even at the fire department, I'll wear T-shirt and jeans, but the T-shirt shows off my little 38As very nicely, the jeans are women's jeans with a good tuck underneath, and my sneakers have pink laces. 

My preferred presentation is a skirt and coordinating top, weather permitting.  I like to give people a lot of clues, so that hopefully they get it.  So that, even if they 'clock' me, they'll be able to figure out what I'm aiming for.

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 23, 2018, 07:51:27 PM



My preferred presentation is a skirt and coordinating top, weather permitting.  I like to give people a lot of clues, so that hopefully they get it.  So that, even if they 'clock' me, they'll be able to figure out what I'm aiming for.

Yeah, this is what I mean. Thanks!

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 23, 2018, 07:13:16 PMI have really started dressing more femininely lately at work. I tended not to do that at first. I have to lift kids in my job, so no dresses. I found that some people seem to be 'dead pronouning' me less and and new people are acting less 'ify' with me since I started doing this. Wondered if you have seen any correlation.

I think I have. I shelved the androgynous look and started dressing more femininely a while ago when I came to the conclusion that not only were my neighbors ok with the idea, they expected it. And now that the weather has gotten warmer here in the last two weeks, I've shelved the women's jeans (Including the skinny jeans) and gone to women's shorts, which show a lot more leg than I used to, and occasionally skorts and skirts, and short sleeve scoop-neck and deep v-neck tops. One of my neighbors who I had despaired of ever getting pronouns right, corrected himself from "him" to "her" in a conversation a couple of days ago. Out among strangers I haven't been misgendered anywhere except the phone and radio in quite a while.

So yeah, my advice is to dump the androgynous look wherever you can. Dress femininely and tastefully and people will respond. It all plays into the theory that people read gender in milliseconds when they see you, and if you present more feminine than masculine cues, that's how you'll be read, despite other shortcomings you may have. That's why in addition to clothing and shoes I always wear a necklace, my heart and airplane brooch, earrings, bracelets, a ring, at least minimum makeup, and fix my hair a little, even when just walking the dog. Every little bit helps, and I think I'm seeing positive results.


- Stephanie

I guess I'd consider myself socially transitioned for the most part, but what I've socially transitioned to up to others to make up their own minds about. I am just me, I've always been me only now I'm a little more honest and open about it.

I struggle with the term normalisation beyond breathing eating and pooping, everything else is fair game. ;D
There are some things that I feel uncomfortable about but then so does every other human on the planet. We're all trying to fit in, find acceptance and purpose for our lives.

It does feel a little like a brave new world sometimes as I relearn the social etiquette of my culture. Things are different for sure, most changes are obvious, but subtle changes will only come with time, observation and awareness.

I think it's probably a mistake to think that anything about transition is binary, the social rules for teenagers are vastly different from those of the wrinklies like me. Cultural values vary all over the world and all are in a constant state of flux. The only one constant in all of this is our self awareness, our essence, our soul. Learn to cherish and share your uniqueness and you will find your place in the world:)

Not sure if this is what you this threads about, but it's where I'm at ;D

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Quote from: Shy on February 24, 2018, 06:24:29 AM
.

I struggle with the term normalisation beyond breathing eating and pooping, everything else is fair game. ;D
There are some things that I feel uncomfortable about but then so does every other human on the planet. We're all trying to fit in, find acceptance and purpose for our lives.

It does feel a little like a brave new world sometimes as I relearn the social etiquette of my culture. Things are different for sure, most changes are obvious, but subtle changes will only come with time, observation and awareness.

I think it's probably a mistake to think that anything about transition is binary, the social rules for teenagers are vastly different from those of the wrinklies like me. Cultural values vary all over the world and all are in a constant state of flux. The only one constant in all of this is our self awareness, our essence, our soul. Learn to cherish and share your uniqueness and you will find your place in the world:)

Thank you Sadie. You are right that the bottom line is accepting our uniqueness (or in my case, unique'mess' lol) whether we are trans or not. I agree. I use the term normalization to describe a part of transition where the new patterns we adopt for transition reasons no longer seem awkward, new, requiring a lot of conscious thought. For each person it is different. My idea is for the person looking forward to starting transition or early in transition to have a place to go to maybe have a window to view into what it might look like when things calm down. My first times in public, I was pretty terrified and the idea that one day it would all be every day routine was hard to imagine. Now the thought of wearing guy clothes out is hard to imagine. The tipping points are kind of the mile markers along the way. They can be events or perhaps just a moment of realizing that, "Hey it snuck up on me, but I really am in a different place now.

As for the binary thing, more mature ladies such as Steph and myself are certainly products of the time of our  upbringing. I tend to think in more binary terms for sure. I talk about dressing more femininely as does Steph, but it is our answer to things. I would never assume that for other folks. Now  that Steph, she wants everyone flying in a bi(nary) plane and won't rest til they do. lol Isn't that right Steph?

I do disagree with one thing you said. Pooping is not normal (for me.) Since my surgery, I can no longer poop without peeing. I promise not to further discuss my normalization of this  process though. (Gosh Moni, Newbies did not need to hear that!)

I have been thinking lately that I have done things this year that are new for me. Not to go into it, but I have an aversion to touching jewelry (I think an OCD thing). I pushed myself and now comfortably wear a necklace. I wear leggings, something I wouldn't do pre-surgery. Yeah, these are silly little things, but change sometimes is made up of little things. The milestones don't come every day. Was wondering if anyone wanted to share getting over a mental block of something you can now do but couldn't early on in transition. How did you get it done?
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 24, 2018, 09:24:20 AMMy first times in public, I was pretty terrified and the idea that one day it would all be every day routine was hard to imagine. Now the thought of wearing guy clothes out is hard to imagine. The tipping points are kind of the mile markers along the way. They can be events or perhaps just a moment of realizing that, "Hey it snuck up on me, but I really am in a different place now.

To paraphrase a certain lorry driver, full time is less a decision as it is a realization. It was a bit of a shock for me to find one day that the thought of putting on those boy clothes made me literally ill.

QuoteAs for the binary thing, more mature ladies such as Steph and myself are certainly products of the time of our  upbringing. I tend to think in more binary terms for sure. I talk about dressing more femininely as does Steph, but it is our answer to things. I would never assume that for other folks. Now  that Steph, she wants everyone flying in a bi(nary) plane and won't rest til they do. lol Isn't that right Steph?

Being on the Bi(nary) plane is fun. Monoplanes are what I prefer, though that has its own problems.

You're right that I consider myself binary and always have. There's no way I would try to push my views on anyone else, though. It's what works for me, and I respect whatever anyone else needs.

As for living the life, Sue and I are sitting in a restaurant near the Crystal River airport after flying in. I've been ma'amed and girled and ladied the entire time. I walked in with the expectation of being treated that way, and the nervousness is gone. I'm in that different place too now. I never expected that before GCS. So wow....

Stephanie

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 24, 2018, 09:24:20 AM
How did you get it done?
Moni

My biggest stumbling block initially was fear of the unknown, change and all the monsters from the id that hid in the shadows ready to pounce at the slightest hint of femininity that I just could not suppress any more.

I soon learned fear will never go away as it's an evolutionary response designed to send us running from a angry saber-toothed tiger that has lost it's stash of catnip. Nobody likes to feel uncomfortable and my natural state was to avoid things and hide away.
To overcome this the very first things I did after the challenges of coming out was to get a makeover in a busy public store. I was terrified, not of the makeover but of the social consequences and what it represented to stand up for myself for the fist time in years.

Of course it all went fine, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. From that point onward I had experience, I knew what it was like to embrace my fears and overcome them so it was just a case of rinse and repeat. I did end up looking like a panda after a Friday night on the bamboo juice though. Got to love drug store makeovers ;D

I could go on talking like this for hours but eventually somewhere in all the managed chaos of the past year Sadie popped out.
Some days I feel whole and connected, others not so much. My journey started a lifetime ago, from the moment I became self aware and screwed things up to this present day I've always and always will be me. :)

See I wrote all this and not a single poop joke, what a good girl am I? ;D

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 24, 2018, 09:24:20 AM
As for the binary thing, more mature ladies such as Steph and myself are certainly products of the time of our  upbringing. I tend to think in more binary terms for sure. I talk about dressing more femininely as does Steph, but it is our answer to things. I would never assume that for other folks.

Yes, as one of those "mature" ladies, I do tend to think of myself in binary terms.  Attempting to think of it objectively, I know that I can never be fully binary, i.e. 100% female.  There is that little matter of 60 years of male habits.  I can reduce them, but they'll never be entirely gone.  On a sliding scale, probably 90% female and 10% male is about as close as I can actually aspire to being binary.

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 24, 2018, 02:20:37 PM
Yes, as one of those "mature" ladies, I do tend to think of myself in binary terms.  Attempting to think of it objectively, I know that I can never be fully binary, i.e. 100% female.  There is that little matter of 60 years of male habits.  I can reduce them, but they'll never be entirely gone.  On a sliding scale, probably 90% female and 10% male is about as close as I can actually aspire to being binary.

When we start defining who we are by what our limits are, it is a bad situation for our happiness. I mourn my limits once in a while but try not to dwell on the negativity it brings. I think even most cis women aren't 100% female. Kathy, you seem so well adjusted, surely you can come up with a poop joke. lol I was very disappointed in Sadie. All that time talking to Laurie and not a poop joke in sight.  ;D As for Steph, her favorite book is Walter the Farting Dog.

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 18, 2018, 09:18:08 AM
   
"Moni, I am going to argue that normalization is just another word for living your life." Tia Anne quote.

Thank you Anne! My distinction is physically yes, mentally no. After you transition, you wear appropriate clothes, you do things on the outside that jive with you being normalized in all visible respects. The place where I see a distinction between living your life and normalization is mentally and emotionally. My goal here is to explore the mental process of the transition mentality fading away and catching up to a mental state where most everything is normal.  (Semantically it could be  argued that living life is a process but that is not my focus here.) This happens differently for different people. I think a large part of it is repetition. I feel very much normalized at work since I go there as Moni, interact as Moni, am accepted as Moni. When I went to work after first presenting, I was living my life, yeah, but it wasn't normalized. It didn't feel natural yet, as it was so new. It's not even specific to being trans. If I returned to work after an accident and was in a wheelchair it would take a  while for it to feel natural or 'normalized.' Of course, there are incidents at work where I feel kind of lost still. I am still exploring the different dynamic of talking to guys. I have certain conversations especially with younger woman where I am at a loss as to what I have to contribute.
   Sadie, you mentioned wanting a wing woman going into a bar. Anne, you mentioned  taking someone with me if I didn't feel comfortable doing certain things. I get that. I guess I would say that if it is just a comfort thing of having someone along, that is part of living life. If the thought process is, "How do I fit in as a new woman? How do I act or respond to people as the new me?" Well, that is normalization or lack of it.
   I don't know, pre-transition these are things I wondered about. What is it like once you are living as 'new you.' Are you terrified? How quickly do you adjust to the new reality? I never saw a lot of talk about it. Much of what is on this site is wrestling with dysphoria, transition steps, coming out, etc. I thought it would be nice to talk a little about after the transition fireworks go off. What do transitioners have to look forward to. I mean like Steph said, it is good that I stuck around after earning the right to relax and move on. Well, I am still normalizing my life. I am not hesitant to admit it. I am still in my process. Isn't that worth the time to talk about some? Well I hope anyway.
   Thank you ladies, I hope you and others will continue to add to this. Come one, come all! Now Sadie, I didn't mention lingerie this time. lol
Moni

Moni, this hit a chord with me.  I have been following a path that when I started was finding who I was.  HT was soon afterwards and that road I was on was a curvy road, but the name on the street sign was "Transition Way".  That's the road I'm on right now, but I feel there is a corner coming up and the one I'm on dead ends and the only way forward is to take the turn and travel on this new road.  My mindset will need to adjust to the new terrain but it will be as easy as turning on the headlights at night.  I expect that at some point I will notice it's getting close to twilight hours and my eyes will begin to adjust to the starlight above the road I'll be soon on. 
Point being, normalization is a process for anyone (and for that matter anything) that has been in a situation unnatural for them.  When they see a glimpse of who they are and they are strong and determined enough they evolve through the travels on the road to that vision.  When they reach it they will be normalized.

Not normal yet Jess 

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 24, 2018, 06:53:16 PMKathy, you seem so well adjusted, surely you can come up with a poop joke.

Me, well-adjusted?  :D  No one has ever called me that before! 

As for poop jokes, um, okay, I'll see if I can think of some. :o

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 24, 2018, 06:53:16 PM
As for Steph, her favorite book is Walter the Farting Dog.

I'm out to dinner with Sue and Cassie, and they're telling me I should just ignore that, but I simply cannot let it go. I know nothing of that book, so I shall have my hero, Champion the Comedy Dog, poop on it.

Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 24, 2018, 07:51:59 PM
I'm out to dinner with Sue and Cassie, and they're telling me I should just ignore that, but I simply cannot let it go. I know nothing of that book, so I shall have my hero, Champion the Comedy Dog, poop on it.

Stephanie

Well, you know what they say on Star Trek, "Make it so, number 2."

Jessica, welcome, with your flair for anecdotes, you fit right in here. Or is it allegory? Any English majors around? What do you see as the new road?

Kathy you know you are level headed, right?

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 24, 2018, 02:20:37 PM
Yes, as one of those "mature" ladies, I do tend to think of myself in binary terms.  Attempting to think of it objectively, I know that I can never be fully binary, i.e. 100% female.  There is that little matter of 60 years of male habits.  I can reduce them, but they'll never be entirely gone.  On a sliding scale, probably 90% female and 10% male is about as close as I can actually aspire to being binary.

I don't think age has to have anything to do with the concept of being binary vs somewhere in the gender fluid spectrum. I certainly feel 99% female and there's very little I miss about being identified as male or continuing to pretend to be that.

I don't feel the "male" habits stick for me, having been letting go of those for 20 years now, a lot of my dysphoria and most of my stress and depression revolved around feeling trapped in situations where people expected me to for instance display aggressive response and would treat me like sh*t when I didn't follow the script. Ugh, I so don't miss those days.

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 24, 2018, 08:23:14 PM
Kathy you know you are level headed, right?

Can I forward that to my wife?  She'll have a good laugh!  :D

Quote from: SadieBlake on February 24, 2018, 09:02:24 PM

I don't feel the "male" habits stick for me, having been letting go of those for 20 years now, a lot of my dysphoria and most of my stress and depression revolved around feeling trapped in situations where people expected me to for instance display aggressive response and would treat me like sh*t when I didn't follow the script. Ugh, I so don't miss those days.

They expected an aggressive response or a masculine response, Sadie?

I think if I asked my kids if they miss my old male habits, I think they would tell you they are very happy not to have to deal with that angry person. A few weeks ago, my partner and I were having our own separate stresses. She woke me up in the middle of the night crying, very upset. One of things she said was, "It was so hard to get Moni here, and I fear that she will go away." I think she holds it in til she is ready to burst sometimes, so I did not realize she felt this way. I reassured her that there was zero percent chance this would happen.

I agree that non binary people can be of any age. The thing is, when I grew up, there were three role models, female, male, or the persons at school who were totally harassed and disrespected because they showed a hint of being different. I chose to look male at all costs, dream of being female, and feel horrible for anyone who dared to stand out. Thankfully, today, that is sometimes loosening up.

Now if you excuse me, I have to go open a package from Florida from someone named 'Champion.' Wonder what it could be!

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 25, 2018, 09:43:16 AM
They expected an aggressive response or a masculine response, Sadie?

I think if I asked my kids if they miss my old male habits, I think they would tell you they are very happy not to have to deal with that angry person. A few weeks ago, my partner and I were having our own separate stresses. She woke me up in the middle of the night crying, very upset. One of things she said was, "It was so hard to get Moni here, and I fear that she will go away." I think she holds it in til she is ready to burst sometimes, so I did not realize she felt this way. I reassured her that there was zero percent chance this would happen.

I agree that non binary people can be of any age. The thing is, when I grew up, there were three role models, female, male, or the persons at school who were totally harassed and disrespected because they showed a hint of being different. I chose to look male at all costs, dream of being female, and feel horrible for anyone who dared to stand out. Thankfully, today, that is sometimes loosening up.

Now if you excuse me, I have to go open a package from Florida from someone named 'Champion.' Wonder what it could be!

Well this is embarrassing. Turns out his name is "Triumph." I blame Cassie.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180225/d93cb83876c43bd119b638efe787af74.jpg)

Whoever "Champion" is, I think he's gonna get pooped on.

Kathy, don't let me down now. You deserve a better worse reputation than Moni is trying to give you.


- Stephanie

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 25, 2018, 09:43:16 AM
They expected an aggressive response or a masculine response, Sadie?

I think if I asked my kids if they miss my old male habits, I think they would tell you they are very happy not to have to deal with that angry person. A few weeks ago, my partner and I were having our own separate stresses. She woke me up in the middle of the night crying, very upset. One of things she said was, "It was so hard to get Moni here, and I fear that she will go away." I think she holds it in til she is ready to burst sometimes, so I did not realize she felt this way. I reassured her that there was zero percent chance this would happen.

I agree that non binary people can be of any age. The thing is, when I grew up, there were three role models, female, male, or the persons at school who were totally harassed and disrespected because they showed a hint of being different. I chose to look male at all costs, dream of being female, and feel horrible for anyone who dared to stand out. Thankfully, today, that is sometimes loosening up.

Now if you excuse me, I have to go open a package from Florida from someone named 'Champion.' Wonder what it could be!

Umm aggressive vs masculine there's a difference? ... j/k ;-) I know there are well adjusted men out there just as there are women who engage in aggressive or passive aggressive behavior. On the other hand, those men imx are pretty few / far between.

And yes my kids would tell the same tale. I was able to mostly leave that behind  in the context of them and my well chosen circle of friends even with testosterone still egging it along. Work and other stressful situations were worse and I always tended to drive my anger inward where of course it becomes depression. However when it found expression, yes my anger was searing, even as I could hold aggressive response at bay, and when I was hit with enough aggression my responses returned it in full measure. It certainly affected me and damaged my relationships.

I'm sure you had the similar experience of estrogen changing the nature of anger. I still experience it but now it's just not likely to be channeled into aggression.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 25, 2018, 10:40:14 AM
Kathy, don't let me down now. You deserve a better worse reputation than Moni is trying to give you.

OK, I'm lost.  ???

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 25, 2018, 03:39:28 PM
OK, I'm lost.  ???

Sorry. Sometimes I speak in tongues. Moni says you're level-headed. We know you can be as silly as the rest of us!

Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 25, 2018, 04:09:53 PM
Sorry. Sometimes I speak in tongues. Moni says you're level-headed. We know you can be as silly as the rest of us!

Stephanie

Thanks!  I was just being silly.  :P

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 25, 2018, 07:11:36 PM
Thanks!  I was just being silly.  :P

You, madam, are diabolical!


- Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 25, 2018, 07:47:29 PM
You, madam, are diabolical!


- Stephanie

Bwah-ha-ha!   >:-)

So there are a lot of things I have normalized for my new life. I want to talk about an aspect that makes me scratch my head sometimes. As a guy, I didn't give much thought to how I looked most of the time. I guess I looked down on the vanity of women then. Now, I not only want to look nice when I go out, but it seems important to me to look good at home. To be perfectly honest, I enjoy looking cute in my clothes. I still feel a little guilty for feeling this way, like I am so superficial. Now my style isn't real 'girly girl' with me spending tons of time on hair, makeup, and fancy dresses. I am more 'girl next door.' I don't look for a lot of attention from others. It is more like trying to look like the image I have in my head of what I should look like. I guess a self validation rather than an external validation. I still feel uncomfortable with this new level of vanity. If I am in the ladies room, I feel weird if I take more than a quick glance in the mirror. Some things are so ingrained. Lol, I'm okay with loving myself, I just don't want to be 'in love' with myself. I don't know me that well. :P

Quote from: HappyMoni on March 03, 2018, 04:44:56 PMTo be perfectly honest, I enjoy looking cute in my clothes. I still feel a little guilty for feeling this way, like I am so superficial.

I understand the thought, but I don't share it.

When I was trying to be a guy, I wanted to look good, but what was the point when all the clothes were drab and you weren't allowed to wear anything colourful?  Now that the chains are off, and I no longer have to worry that people will assume I'm gay, I can dress as nicely as I want.  I don't feel in the least bit guilty.  Maybe it is significant that I didn't look down on the vanity of women.

My style is probably similar to yours: I don't aim to be over-the-top femme.  I just want to look like a little bit nicer than average, but still appropriate for a woman of "a certain age".  I have learned to check my hair any time I pass a mirror.  :)  Mostly because it is expected behaviour, but also because I don't like it to look messy.

At home, I am more of a slob.  I wear a plain skirt and a T-shirt, no bra, no wig.

Kathy, I don't know if it was that I looked  down on women, but it was  something that I steered away from any thought of for fear someone might know my secret. It is one of the scars I continue to carry from my upbringing. Heck I still feel weird hearing the sound of a drink pouring into a glass. That's from the days when I feared my father finding me getting something to drink. He was rather unpredictable so to speak.  Point is, some of the things we learn when younger are hard to overcome. I aspire to for your state of no guilt about my looks. Yeah, I try to be age appropriate without  being into that rocking chair look that one day awaits me.
Moni
I hope  to 'rock' the rocking chair look by the way.

I accepted I was vain when I decided against transition around 2001. I felt if I could not be pretty, I didn't want to be openly female, risk upsetting my life.

That was then, now I'm amazed to have a lover tell me she finds me cute and in finally feeling good about my bits I'm amazed that in accepting my appearance as well as finding my attraction to other women is no longer limited to my 2-3 favorite body types. To be sure, what find most beautiful remains the same, it's just I now find curvy women beautiful also.

And yes, I pay attention to my appearance. Not a ton, but I do some basic things with hair and attire every day.

Sadie, I think I still have so much pent up feelings of, "That is out of bounds for you." rolling around in my head. I have 50 something years of that feeling of looking at femininity from the other side of the fence. Me wanting to look good is part of reveling in my new found freedom. Bringing in the element of having a new partner certainly makes one want to look good. I tease my partner quite a bit that she is now the man in the family. We'll get ready to go somewhere and she'll be dressed in 'I been female all my life, take it for granted clothes' and then me trying to look stylish. We just laugh.

I have done that also, before transition when we would go to kink events I'd dress up fancy and spend quite a long time on makeup. I would do some of that again now except I'm budget-limited.

p.s. so now my wardrobe consists of a couple of black skirts, usually I wear t shirts and I have 2 nice tops, both unfortunately snug in the arms :-(

If you had asked in 2015, here's what I thought my tipping points would be in order of importance:
A. Breast Augmentation
B. FFS
C. Hairline
D. Body contouring, liposuction.
E. GCS if I ever went to that planet. 

Here's my actual tipping points so far, in order of importance:
1. HRT
2. Coming out to my parents.
3. Day trip to Las Vegas as Kendra, not Ken.
4. Waking up from sleep and realizing I had been dreaming as a female.
5. Lack of facial stubble woke me up from a deep sleep.

Good thing I'm not a weather forecaster. 

A couple things immediately pop out if you look at this list.  BA humor aside, my previous viewpoint was all about physical appearance assisted by surgery.  Breasts are more visible than GCS.  Some might call me shallow but I am honestly answering the question.

And then I started seriously looking into transition - actually did that after quite a bit of electrolysis, as my initial decision was I'd be happier without facial hair regardless of transition.  I looked at Susan's a few times and then joined.  I started reading detailed posts, interacting with people here and was blown away by the depth, determination and sincerity of others on this journey. 

The thread that caused me to realize what is possible (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.0.html) was from Rachel - dozens of pages, required two evenings to read and after completing I started over and read it all again.  Not just being able to see Rachel's progress chipping away and conquering, but the responses and insight from others helping her future.  And posts from many others including people on this thread. 

Each of our stories is unique but I began to realize:
- The mind is the foundation of transition.
- Details matter but are not always the only solution.
- Make the best possible long term decisions. 
If in doubt, think: five years from now, what decision will I wish I made today? 

1. HRT was literally a mind bending experience.  This isn't normal but within 48 hours I knew - to such a degree I still tear up thinking about that morning, seeing and suddenly understanding the sights of the city and lake and mountains - things visible from my living room I had barely noticed in previous years.  Four decades of tunnel vision suddenly lifted, confirmed with constant reminders when I wasn't thinking about HRT.  I was suddenly experiencing the joy of seeing, smelling, hearing the world exactly the way I remembered until the mid 1970s when testosterone picked a fight with my brain.  But my decision to start HRT wasn't automatic - I had delayed that, not wanting to compromise some things with my body - not wanting to let go just in case.  During my HRT consultation the endo asked if I was planning GCS, I answered I wasn't sure and would decide after starting HRT.  Good answer, because my point of view did indeed change after experiencing so much positive I didn't even imagine was possible.  I wrote an HRT haiku (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,225490.msg1997683.html#msg1997683).

2. Coming out at my age doesn't usually involve parents, or isn't as critical - but in my case it was a wall that had delayed my transition.  I didn't have concerns losing a partner as many of us have, and can only imagine how challenging that conversation is - but my fear was based on harming people I care deeply about.  Over time I gained self-confidence and decided the reactions of others shouldn't determine my future, with the exception of my parents.  And then I realized the same applies to them if I was to pursue the best life possible.  When I finally had that difficult conversation (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226090.0.html) (and it turned out very positive) I had already made up my mind I was moving forward regardless - and that's the key to the decision. 

3. First time flying somewhere as my true self, solo.  No gender-backup clothes - this was a day trip in the summer, I packed just makeup and ID that didn't match my gender presentation.  I knew some incredibly understanding people were on the other side (Beth & Saha (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231131.0.html) - this was for Beth's family reunion) but I also knew the potential for odd moments as they would be introducing me as their girlfriend and I hadn't started HRT.  The trip was positive without exception - I was never misgendered from start to finish and had an awesome time.  TSA and airline staff looked at my ID and were consistently polite and professional.  On the flight back I realized... hey, I can actually do this.  Tipping point. 

4. The right dream.  Something I hadn't obsessed about but was on the back of my mind was: what gender am I when I dream?  In the majority of dreams, no gender - but when I could recall being aware it was as a male.  And then it finally happened: I woke up from a dream (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234167.msg2090867.html#msg2090867) where I was naturally female.  This occurred less than a month after GCS... probably not a coincidence.  In my GCS thread (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230213.msg2045592.html#msg2045592) I mentioned after that particular surgery "I have never felt more free" and I meant it.  But what I find interesting is cause and effect.  GCS was very important to me but the tipping points were in my mind, not body.

5. My face woke me up.  I was sound asleep and didn't realize I had this odd habit of scratching my upper chest with my chin as I slept.  I had been dealing with electrolysis, finally getting head of the curve (or stubble).  And then one night I suddenly woke up, startled - I freaked out and thought someone unfamiliar was in my bed.  Whoa.  Some woman's face was up against my neck and upper chest, and... when my mind cleared I realized it was me.  My face didn't feel like the face I had known for several decades.  And then the emotions hit, realizing - yes, this is what goals are all about. 

Kendra

Quote from: Kendra on March 04, 2018, 11:16:02 PM
If you had asked in 2015, here's what I thought my tipping points would be in order of importance:
A. Breast Augmentation
B. FFS
C. Hairline
D. Body contouring, liposuction.
E. GCS if I ever went to that planet. 

Here's my actual tipping points so far, in order of importance:
1. HRT
2. Coming out to my parents.
3. Day trip to Las Vegas as Kendra, not Ken.
4. Waking up from sleep and realizing I had been dreaming as a female.
5. Lack of facial stubble woke me up from a deep sleep.

Good thing I'm not a weather forecaster. 

A couple things immediately pop out if you look at this list.  BA humor aside, my previous viewpoint was all about physical appearance assisted by surgery.  Breasts are more visible than GCS.  Some might call me shallow but I am honestly answering the question.

And then I started seriously looking into transition - actually did that after quite a bit of electrolysis, as my initial decision was I'd be happier without facial hair regardless of transition.  I looked at Susan's a few times and then joined.  I started reading detailed posts, interacting with people here and was blown away by the depth, determination and sincerity of others on this journey. 

The thread that caused me to realize what is possible (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.0.html) was from Rachel - dozens of pages, required two evenings to read and after completing I started over and read it all again.  Not just being able to see Rachel's progress chipping away and conquering, but the responses and insight from others helping her future.  And posts from many others including people on this thread. 

Each of our stories is unique but I began to realize:
- The mind is the foundation of transition.
- Details matter but are not always the only solution.
- Make the best possible long term decisions. 
If in doubt, think: five years from now, what decision will I wish I made today? 

1. HRT was literally a mind bending experience.  This isn't normal but within 48 hours I knew - to such a degree I still tear up thinking about that morning, seeing and suddenly understanding the sights of the city and lake and mountains - things visible from my living room I had barely noticed in previous years.  Four decades of tunnel vision suddenly lifted, confirmed with constant reminders when I wasn't thinking about HRT.  I was suddenly experiencing the joy of seeing, smelling, hearing the world exactly the way I remembered until the mid 1970s when testosterone picked a fight with my brain.  But my decision to start HRT wasn't automatic - I had delayed that, not wanting to compromise some things with my body - not wanting to let go just in case.  During my HRT consultation the endo asked if I was planning GCS, I answered I wasn't sure and would decide after starting HRT.  Good answer, because my point of view did indeed change after experiencing so much positive I didn't even imagine was possible.  I wrote an HRT haiku (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,225490.msg1997683.html#msg1997683).

2. Coming out at my age doesn't usually involve parents, or isn't as critical - but in my case it was a wall that had delayed my transition.  I didn't have concerns losing a partner as many of us have, and can only imagine how challenging that conversation is - but my fear was based on harming people I care deeply about.  Over time I gained self-confidence and decided the reactions of others shouldn't determine my future, with the exception of my parents.  And then I realized the same applies to them if I was to pursue the best life possible.  When I finally had that difficult conversation (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226090.0.html) (and it turned out very positive) I had already made up my mind I was moving forward regardless - and that's the key to the decision. 

3. First time flying somewhere as my true self, solo.  No gender-backup clothes - this was a day trip in the summer, I packed just makeup and ID that didn't match my gender presentation.  I knew some incredibly understanding people were on the other side (Beth & Saha (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231131.0.html) - this was for Beth's family reunion) but I also knew the potential for odd moments as they would be introducing me as their girlfriend and I hadn't started HRT.  The trip was positive without exception - I was never misgendered from start to finish and had an awesome time.  TSA and airline staff looked at my ID and were consistently polite and professional.  On the flight back I realized... hey, I can actually do this.  Tipping point. 

4. The right dream.  Something I hadn't obsessed about but was on the back of my mind was: what gender am I when I dream?  In the majority of dreams, no gender - but when I could recall being aware it was as a male.  And then it finally happened: I woke up from a dream (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234167.msg2090867.html#msg2090867) where I was naturally female.  This occurred less than a month after GCS... probably not a coincidence.  In my GCS thread (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230213.msg2045592.html#msg2045592) I mentioned after that particular surgery "I have never felt more free" and I meant it.  But what I find interesting is cause and effect.  GCS was very important to me but the tipping points were in my mind, not body.

5. My face woke me up.  I was sound asleep and didn't realize I had this odd habit of scratching my upper chest with my chin as I slept.  I had been dealing with electrolysis, finally getting head of the curve (or stubble).  And then one night I suddenly woke up, startled - I freaked out and thought someone unfamiliar was in my bed.  Whoa.  Some woman's face was up against my neck and upper chest, and... when my mind cleared I realized it was me.  My face didn't feel like the face I had known for several decades.  And then the emotions hit, realizing - yes, this is what goals are all about. 

Kendra

The dreaming part still shocks me. I never saw myself in my dreams until 2 weeks ago. I still remember how it felt..even though I was dreaming

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Hi, I had several tipping points:

1) I had made coping mechanisms to deal with her. I was on my way from one lawyers office to another to give a deposition. I had not been sleeping well for months. The legal issues had been wearing on me. I remember walking off the curb to cross the street and promising I would live as Cynthia (my first chosen name). I was scared and the war inside was going to get worse, much worse.

2) My mother broke her tibia and fibula. Then had a heart attack in the hospital that went undiagnosed for 3 days. She was give a choice of hospice or going to Penn for open heart. She chose open heart. Three months later she died from septic shock. She was infected during the open heart operation. I visited her twice a day and took her death very badly. I settled the estate then hit a wall. I stopped sleeping but a few hours a night then no sleep for I thing 3 days. I cracked going to work one morning. The war inside me hit a peak. I needed help. I did not want to die.

3) I told my now ex-wife I am trans. We tried to work through it. We came to an agreement. I could express at group and home, have hair follicle replacements, trachea shave and an orchi and I could tell my siblings. My ex took all that back and said if I did anything she would divorce me. This through me into another spin of no sleep and a war inside me. Instead of the female in me wanting to get out now I had to save her from being hidden. Hiding was killing me. I chose to come out and express. My wife got a lawyer. I schedule GCS, then BA then FFS the hair follicle transplants. later I scheduled VFS ( I will do another round of that). I did a hair follicle transplant round 2 and next a round 3. I have GCS round 2 in April.

Somewhere along the way I really accept myself and love my new life. I love being me and can not believe I get to live my dream.

What was the tipping point, there were several. For me they were more like steps and not one point. If anything when the cloths arrived at my house and my wife called me at the gym. She asked if I was coming out at work. All the clothes were work cloths. I said yes. She said she would call a lawyer the next day and divorce me. I said I would leave the gym and come home. I said to her when I get there I would kill myself with a shotgun in the back yard and for her to leave the house with our daughter. She said good, kill yourself. At that exact moment I thought, I do not want to die, I want to be myself. When I got home she was still there and she said to go ahead an kill myself. I could not believe she would say that to me.

I realized all the times I tried to kill myself on I95 and I76 I really did not want to die. I was not going to kill myself with a gun. I just wanted to be me. It was tough coming out and expressing at work, that is way in the past. Funny thing today. I came into work with my hair colored and trimmed a little. I was so happy to show off my hair. I love it. I had no apprehension, just happiness. In the bathroom at work I looked in the mirror and I was smiling, happy and feeling good about myself. I guess that was a tipping point too.

Oh my gosh, I am so grateful for you sharing this Kendra and Rachel. You both have amazing lessons presented so eloquently here. Rachel, it tears my heart out that your ex would say that to you. I am in awe of the strength you have both shown in your individual ways. Not  only that, but you are shining examples of getting through a lot hurtles and pain to normalize your lives and be happy in your true genders. It certainly isn't the end of our stories. We have more battles to fight, but I think that someone reading your stories can't help but find inspiration. To any new people reading this, the paths are very different but a happy ending can happen.
Moni

My worst struggles were not immediately before starting transition but I definitely had my low spots.  When my voice changed in the mid 1970s I became suicidal and angry and quit many activities I had enjoyed, including music.  I knew where the family's shotgun and ammunition was stored and considered it, and I remember my hand on the car's door handle thinking about jumping out at 70mph (110kph).  In the decades that followed I had to lose 1/3 of body weight (my waistline is 16" / 40cm smaller than mid 1990s), drank a ridiculous amount of alcohol (quit in 2003) and ignored my health - because I didn't like who I was.  Taking care of other issues paved the way for recognizing what the actual problem was.  I knew the answer when I was an early teenager but shut all that down as impossible.  And then I started exploring, and talking to people here.

We each have unique backgrounds.  I am pretty open about mine in case that might help others, much as others helped me understand what is possible.

   I feel motivated to talk about one of the earliest tipping points and that is realizing one is trans and, in my case, later in life. Last night, I finished the survey about heath care put out by Susan. I have had very supportive health care people. I decided to type in 'transgender' into You Tube and see what came up. Others have had vastly different experiences from me , so I thought I would explore a bit.  I came upon this video of a guy acting like a scientist. I will go into as little detail about his main thesis as it is toxic in my opinion. He would refer to M to feminine instead of male to female. He spoke of those of us who transition later in life  with a smirk on his face. He would basically sum us up as being a group of people driven to act female because of sexual desire. I came away from it thinking about the poor people just exploring their gender issues and happening upon this video. I could see how it would confuse them and maybe discourage them from their own real self discovery. So, how did this apply to my journey? When I was young, I would go to sleep at night as early as four years old and dream of being female. It was very pleasant thinking on my part, but not sexual in any way. I was not a child like Jazz or maybe Julia here on Susan's. I went along with the 'male plan' that everyone in my life had for me. It was possible for me because of my particular make up. It was a battle. When puberty hit, this feminine aspect of me was incorporated into my sexual thoughts. Not having the body match my thoughts of who my mind said I was, made for difficult times. My sexual thought pattern got squeezed in a sense. It intensified my femininity at times only to have it come crashing down in the reality that being a female was out of reach for me. This process could easily be mistaken by me or some some pseudo scientist type as a sexually driven femininity. More importantly some newbies out there might buy into his views and wander in limbo for years thinking, "It is just sexual, this thing that drives me." I lived that limbo  for decades. I was convinced I wasn't 'trans enough' to do anything. Would you like further proof that it wasn't what I thought, just a sexual thing? Well, at 57 years old, I couldn't stand the battle any longer. I had to try something. I did transition. If what this guy says about this being a sexual thing was true, as my drive went down with the  hormones, I would be less feminine, less happy, less comfortable. The opposite was true. Believe me, I watched myself, thinking that with each step I took, my world might fall in on me. The reality was this. Sexuality was less important to who I was than I thought. Living female was right, comfortable for me. Every personal interaction is better with me as a female instead of as a male. Getting my body right was amazing, never a second thought that it was wrong. I am finally a whole person.
   So why am I writing this? It is a cautionary tale for those of you exploring your own gender story. You will come upon people passing themselves off as scientists. They will try to stick you in a box and slap on a label telling you your claims of who you are are illegitimate, a perversion, bogus. Don't let them convince you that what you feel is this bla bla bla classic pattern that  some scientist created. You are the expert of you. You may not know all your answers yet, and that is okay. I just sat there last night  watching this smug guy talk about how he knows trans. He knows nothing. If anyone is perverse, it is the person who gets his jollies out of demeaning trans people without a clue as to what it is really like being trans. Lol, I'm woman enough to admit I don't really understand 'cis.'
Moni
I am woman, hear me roar! (Someone should write a song)

Quote from: HappyMoni on March 10, 2018, 09:05:05 AM
    When I was young, I would go to sleep at night as early as four years old and dream of being female. It was very pleasant thinking on my part, but not sexual in any way. I was not a child like Jazz or maybe Julia here on Susan's. I went along with the 'male plan' that everyone in my life had for me. It was possible for me because of my particular make up. It was a battle. When puberty hit, this feminine aspect of me was incorporated into my sexual thoughts. Not having the body match my thoughts of who my mind said I was, made for difficult times. My sexual thought pattern got squeezed in a sense. It intensified my femininity at times only to have it come crashing down in the reality that being a female was out of reach for me. This process could easily be mistaken by me or some some pseudo scientist type as a sexually driven femininity. More importantly some newbies out there might buy into his views and wander in limbo for years thinking, "It is just sexual, this thing that drives me." I lived that limbo  for decades. I was convinced I wasn't 'trans enough' to do anything. Would you like further proof that it wasn't what I thought, just a sexual thing? Well, at 57 years old, I couldn't stand the battle any longer. I had to try something. I did transition. If what this guy says about this being a sexual thing was true, as my drive went down with the  hormones, I would be less feminine, less happy, less comfortable. The opposite was true. Believe me, I watched myself, thinking that with each step I took, my world might fall in on me. The reality was this. Sexuality was less important to who I was than I thought. Living female was right, comfortable for me. Every personal interaction is better with me as a female instead of as a male. Getting my body right was amazing, never a second thought that it was wrong.

Um... yeah. 

Though a tad younger at the start of my transition (54), this portion is almost word for word my experience.

Add in that I was(and still am) pretty happy with most things in my life and I can see why I had questioned whether I really could be trans. 

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Quote from: HappyMoni on March 10, 2018, 09:05:05 AM
   I feel motivated to talk about one of the earliest tipping points and that is realizing one is trans and, in my case, later in life. Last night, I finished the survey about heath care put out by Susan. I have had very supportive health care people. I decided to type in 'transgender' into You Tube and see what came up. Others have had vastly different experiences from me , so I thought I would explore a bit.  I came upon this video of a guy acting like a scientist. I will go into as little detail about his main thesis as it is toxic in my opinion. He would refer to M to feminine instead of male to female. He spoke of those of us who transition later in life  with a smirk on his face. He would basically sum us up as being a group of people driven to act female because of sexual desire. I came away from it thinking about the poor people just exploring their gender issues and happening upon this video. I could see how it would confuse them and maybe discourage them from their own real self discovery. So, how did this apply to my journey? When I was young, I would go to sleep at night as early as four years old and dream of being female. It was very pleasant thinking on my part, but not sexual in any way. I was not a child like Jazz or maybe Julia here on Susan's. I went along with the 'male plan' that everyone in my life had for me. It was possible for me because of my particular make up. It was a battle. When puberty hit, this feminine aspect of me was incorporated into my sexual thoughts. Not having the body match my thoughts of who my mind said I was, made for difficult times. My sexual thought pattern got squeezed in a sense. It intensified my femininity at times only to have it come crashing down in the reality that being a female was out of reach for me. This process could easily be mistaken by me or some some pseudo scientist type as a sexually driven femininity. More importantly some newbies out there might buy into his views and wander in limbo for years thinking, "It is just sexual, this thing that drives me." I lived that limbo  for decades. I was convinced I wasn't 'trans enough' to do anything. Would you like further proof that it wasn't what I thought, just a sexual thing? Well, at 57 years old, I couldn't stand the battle any longer. I had to try something. I did transition. If what this guy says about this being a sexual thing was true, as my drive went down with the  hormones, I would be less feminine, less happy, less comfortable. The opposite was true. Believe me, I watched myself, thinking that with each step I took, my world might fall in on me. The reality was this. Sexuality was less important to who I was than I thought. Living female was right, comfortable for me. Every personal interaction is better with me as a female instead of as a male. Getting my body right was amazing, never a second thought that it was wrong. I am finally a whole person.
   So why am I writing this? It is a cautionary tale for those of you exploring your own gender story. You will come upon people passing themselves off as scientists. They will try to stick you in a box and slap on a label telling you your claims of who you are are illegitimate, a perversion, bogus. Don't let them convince you that what you feel is this bla bla bla classic pattern that  some scientist created. You are the expert of you. You may not know all your answers yet, and that is okay. I just sat there last night  watching this smug guy talk about how he knows trans. He knows nothing. If anyone is perverse, it is the person who gets his jollies out of demeaning trans people without a clue as to what it is really like being trans. Lol, I'm woman enough to admit I don't really understand 'cis.'
Moni
I am woman, hear me roar! (Someone should write a song)

Wow. I have little more to add, other than thank goodness I didn't let such BS  on YouTube and otherwise get to me - though my own self doubts held me back for 50 years, so I guess other people's bizarre diagnoses weren't needed.

Otherwise, all I have to say is "ditto." Thanks for writing about my life, Moni.

Stephanie

So I am waking this thread from the dead. Wake up, wake up! 

(Possible trigger alert for F to M readers, next paragraph.)


I am getting close to a point of no return for me. It's funny to think that GCS was not my point of no return, but if I had a reason to, I could go out in public at this point and still pretend to be male. To be clear, there has not been once second in the last 10 months that I have regretted GCS. I love it! No, once I have boobs, that will be the point where there is no option to bail and believably take that male role. I want the surgery so bad I can taste it. I believe it to be the missing piece to me seeing myself as a functioning sexual being. It will also mark the ending point for my transition. I don't think there will be any more surgeries after this. (Possibly a small GCS revision, not sure yet) It kind of hit me today that when I was in my transition, I concentrated on how to act. With the end of transition, I will concentrate on how to be.

One personal note for anyone who knows me. I don't often spend a lot of time wondering 'what could have been.' I think it takes away from the life I have finally found. Like the name says, I am happy. Today, on the way to work, I did start thinking about when I was young and my sister was still alive. I look back. We were so close. I see now that it was always messed up by the fact that I had to be a guy. I regret all the things that we could have done as sisters. Wow this is why I don't allow myself to think this way often. It sucks!
Moni

Moni, I hope that you can get to the point that you realize that the tipping point, whatever that is for you, had already taken place and you are the woman you feel or want to be. I had just that kind of moment last Sunday. Deb and I were strolling in the mall and walked into a specialty dress shop. After looking through an amazing selection, I chose a dress to try on. There I stood, a crazy old woman looking at herself in the mirror wearing the most beautiful wedding gown and so many unrealized dreams came to fulfilment....in an instant my eyes filled with tears. Next August there will be a wedding joining two crazy ladies....yes, both of us full and complete women. I have no idea when the tipping point took place but there is no doubt about who I am. Although I must admit it is amazing and confusing to be asking my friends to be my maids of honor and both Deb and I fighting over who gets to ask whom. And what an honor to ask one of my best friends to walk me down the aisle.....

You have known me for some time now, have you seen a tipping point? Has there been one or does there need to be one? I used to think that I needed a point or series of actions, surgeries, realizations, whatever to allow myself to be me. Right now, it is all to difficult to understand. The intellectual analytical in me doesn't really care about that anymore. My intention is to live the remaining years that I have as fully and completely as me, Tia Anne. I truly hope that you can get to this point soon.

Your sister,
Tia