Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So I've lurked here for general information for several years. I'm fairly active in the other trans communities, but that platform is sometimes not the best. So that's why I'm here! I'm a 24 year old trans woman I've been transitioning for 2 years. Been on HRT since then, and had my breast augmentation early last year.

With that out of the way I've been feeling a certain type of way. Ever since I came to grips with whom I am, I struggled with it all the back to when I was 10. I can't seem to shake an inexplicable feeling of guilt. I feel like I've stolen normalcy from my family and dear friends. These feelings of selfishness hurt me every single day. Just the other day I ran across old baby photos of myself, seeing my parents so happy to have their "son". I broke down crying, being overwhelmed by feelings of selfishness. Things are monumentaly better with my family 2 years down the line, but seeing my dad still having such a hard time with my transition breaks my heart.

It's not only guilt that eats at me everyday, but also feelings of inadequacy. I've been told I'm pretty, had randos perv on me, etc. but for some reason I still feel like a sore thumb sticking out. I'm tall like 6'1, I feel like a girl impersonator because of this. I hate feeling like I need to constantly be on guard whether people are clocking me. Thing is I'm gendered 100% of the time female. For some reason I can't escape these thoughts still. It's a horrible limbo I can't break, passing consumes me. But I've been told not to worry about it. My ->-bleeped-<- posts that involve those questions usually get okay reception, my username is Maxpayte over there.

My formatting and grammar is probably horrendous, but I'm kind of manic right now  :'( speed typing on my phone as well. Any sort of insight or reassurance would be helpful thanks...

ChloeCakes has unlurked!  Thank you for joining and for posting - it's so much better to be able to interact. 

Since this was your first post I'll add information containing site guidelines and to help you with initial navigation.

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Your story is so interesting - when you get a chance, would be great if you can introduce yourself in the Introductions Board. (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html)

Quote from: ChloeCakes on February 08, 2018, 10:48:47 PM
> seeing my parents so happy to have their "son". I broke down crying, being overwhelmed by feelings of selfishness.

I am MtF and can definitely relate to this.  My parents are both in good health and have been married more than half a century.  My mother is from Japan - she became a US citizen after I was born, but culturally she so proudly introduced me as her "number one son" for most of my life and I am their only child.  If I had a sibling, transition would have been less of a guilt trip for me - but I agonized over potentially shattering part of their world, assuming they would never understand.  I delayed transition until it became unbearable.  And I was shocked when I finally came out to my parents and they both immediately accepted me.  My mother is actually excited, and my dad picked my new middle name (it's the feminine form of his middle name).  Our stories are not exactly the same but the guilt caused me many sleepless nights before I started to truly own my future.

I don't have all the answers or solutions for you, but you're definitely not alone in having overwhelming guilt for wanting what is best for you.  I am mostly past that now - just took some time and many positive experiences from transition, discovering so many people are very supportive, or simply don't have the time to care or notice.

Yes you are tall - as are a few cis-gender fashion models and actresses.  I'm aware of a few who are the same height as you.  With enough time to settle in, I bet self-conscious can be gradually replaced with stunning confidence.

And don't worry about your grammar, I ain't always goods at that either. 

All the best,

Kendra

Hi Chloe  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Quote from: ChloeCakes on February 08, 2018, 10:48:47 PM
I still feel like a sore thumb sticking out. I'm tall like 6'1, I feel like a girl impersonator because of this.

Maria Sharapova   6'2". Venus Williams 6'1" Gabriel Reese 6'3" Chace Kennedy 6'5" DawnOday 6'4"

That's good company

Welcome to Susan's Place. First the small issue. I am 6'2" and strangely enough, when I transitioned, women tended to be smaller than they are today. Even then my height wasn't a problem and today I can comfortably blend into a crowd without drawing attention.

As for the guilt, life has tradeoffs. I don't think you would have started your transition if you had another option. When you start questioning your decision, think back to the day you decided to start your transition and the reason you felt it was your only option.

You are an adult and as such, you need to make the decisions in your life that will bring happiness. If family or friends are uncomfortable with your decisions, it's because they put more value on their public image than your love for you. Maybe some day they will personally grow enough to see it but you can't let their discomfort hold you back. Your not wrong to do what your doing but you need stop placing others wants over your needs.

Don't forget me  ;D  I'm just a bit under 6'2"

Strut it like you own it  :icon_chick:

     I can understand the guilt, but remind yourself that you are not choosing this.  You didn't ask to be trans, you just are.  You can deny it and hide from it and try to push it away, but it will still always be there eating away at you and years then decades of your life might slip away (like it has with some of us) where you will have not been the person that you are supposed to be. 

     I have learned after 6 years of marriage to woman with borderline personality disorder that I can't make other people happy and that it isn't my job to make other people happy.  Of course there are things you can do that you know will please or displease people that may indirectly lead to happiness, but that isn't what we are talking about here.  Overall, people have to find happiness in from within.  This includes yourself and the rest of your family.  While your transition may have made things a bit turbulent in your family's lives, it is their own hangups, biases or misunderstandings that may be causing any strife.

     Also, transitioning is hard, for everyone involved and there are HUGE adjustments that very likely will take many years to fully resolve themselves.  Don't let it get you down.  I came out to my mom.  She wanted to make sure that I knew that she would love me no matter what, but she is confused and clearly doesn't understand what I am going through and is a bit alarmed.  The last time I talked to her, she didn't even want to talk about it.  It is enough for me to know that she loves me, though.  I will attempt to help her understand what I am going through, but at the end of the day if she never does, that is just something that is out of my control.

   Hope this helps...Hugs

         -Julie