Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi, I'm new here and thought I'd start but just blurting out my concerns. My confidence is wavering over whether I could ever pass as woman (Not for society, but for my own satisfaction in society). It's leaving me scared and hesitant.

Me:
Pre-HRT
28

My main worries:
Height:6' (183cm)
A little broad shouldered, not massive though
Glove size: mens Large
Shoe size: mens Aus(11) UK(11) US(12)

What I'm thankful for:
Fair skin
Large nipples (for a male)
Some body hair (which I've always trimmed)
Not an overly deep voice

Lately I've been embracing my femininity and stopped trying to be 'what I should be'. The more that I do it, the better it feels and the more me I feel.

If anyone could direct me to any resources or other forum posts on here that would be great. Also please ask me whatever questions you like. I'm sure I've left tonnes of useful information out.

Thanks, Laura

You can cross height off your list of worries.  My cisgender younger sister is 6 feet tall and she has never been misgendered.

Hugs, Carly.

Maybe worse case scenerio would be considered an Amazon but Wonder Woman is awesome!

Okay then. I'll overlook height
And my shoulders might be okay too

Hey hun, welcome!

I'm 5'11" (plus heels [emoji5]). Taller women will (on average) tend to have large hands and feet, it's about proportion,  but I think you'll be fine. I do tend to avoid serious heels, but I've known plenty of cisgender women as tall or taller than me.

HRT can reduce shoulder and upper body bulk over time with a good diet. Shoe size does represent a bit of a challenge, but there are womens shoes brands that go larger.

I had all these concerns early in my transition, it's normal and sensible to consider these. Nowadays they barely cross my mind,  I live my life like any other woman,  and they come in every shadow and size. X

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Welcome! I think most of us have some similar problems... mine is my chest and my muscular arms. Not having curves is another issue.
So I have to be a bit selective what clothes I wear for the first two issues. For the arms I usually say "Thanks to Michelle Obama for making muscular arms a thing".

Oh... I can be 6ft tall. On 4" heels.

In the end Megan is right, it is all about proportions. And you proportions sound just right!

Hugs

No beauty pageant winner here LOL

Passing is not something that I never consider as a real possibility for me. But amazingly despite my negativity I can see "her" staring back at me in the mirror.

There a very few Trans women who don't have some "tells" if you scrutinise them long enough...having said that most people don't take that much notice. People are terrible at noticing things and what they are likely to remember is you the person. Despite not "passing" in the classical sense I get treated pretty well. I don't know about acceptance but I am generally not misgendered...yes it gets to me at times when my dysphoria is kicking me hard but on the whole I am happy. As time goes by and my confidence rises the absolute need to "pass" diminishes. The less I think about and just be me the better I get on.

There are so many things you can do to change the way people perceive you...clothes makeup hair are all part of it but self confidence plays a huge roll as well and some would argue is more important than the asthetics....Maybe just being the best "you" that you can be, will get you where you want to be...no one wants to be singled out or ostracised and despite not "passing" neither of these things happen to me.

Take care

Liz 

I've worked with tall girls with hands like shovels and monster feet and nobody said that they must be male because of these things.

So let's not worry about those things.

Quote from: CallMeKatie on March 13, 2018, 08:35:53 AM
I've worked with tall girls with hands like shovels and monster feet and nobody said that they must be male because of these things.

So let's not worry about those things.

Amen!

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Other things may lead someone to wonder like Adam's apple, disproportionately large hands and a deeper voice. Walking gate might too and I'd bet it's several things taken together. That said, cis women have had their whole life to socialize into their gender. We haven't. Give it time.


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Quote from: Gertrude on March 13, 2018, 12:12:05 PM
Other things may lead someone to wonder like Adam's apple, disproportionately large hands and a deeper voice. Walking gate might too and I'd bet it's several things taken together. That said, cis women have had their whole life to socialize into their gender. We haven't. Give it time.

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@ Gertrude:  EXACTLY CORRECT... those are my thoughts also. 
The very best thing to do is to "people watch" ....  go to a mall, a restaurant, and airport, on a bus, etc....   look carefully at how differently the men and women act, move, eat, sit, walk, talk, shop, .... (and drive!!! LOL J/K)   Men, sitting, even at a restaurant, are all sprawled out, arm on the table, legs spread, taking too big of bites, lack of table manners in general as compared to women. 

There are just a big variety of clues to one's gender that can tip off an observer as to how they are presenting themselves. 

If one want's to present as female then there are a lot of factors involved.... but at the top of the list should be that one exudes self-confidence, self-assurance, and don't be discouraged by the rude folks that may call you out.  I might add, a big smile is very disarming and most onlookers won't look past that smile.
Danielle

Hi, Laura!

Welcome to Susan's.

Once you get past the initial fears and realize that most people just don't notice you or care how you look, passing will become less important.  And you will likely be pleasantly surprised at how HRT can feminize your appearance.

Quote from: LauraFoxingtons on March 13, 2018, 12:07:28 AMLately I've been embracing my femininity and stopped trying to be 'what I should be'. The more that I do it, the better it feels and the more me I feel.

That, right there, is the way to go.  Being yourself is what it is all about. 

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Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 13, 2018, 12:26:47 PM
@ Gertrude:  EXACTLY CORRECT... those are my thoughts also. 
The very best thing to do is to "people watch" ....  go to a mall, a restaurant, and airport, on a bus, etc....   look carefully at how differently the men and women act, move, eat, sit, walk, talk, shop, .... (and drive!!! LOL J/K)   Men, sitting, even at a restaurant, are all sprawled out, arm on the table, legs spread, taking too big of bites, lack of table manners in general as compared to women. 
Danielle

That's something very interesting! I've always found a lot of men quite vulgar in the way they act. The whole sprawl all over a chair and elbows on the table and the most disgusting, coughing up and spitting it on the floor.
It never even occurred to me, although in hindsight I always knew, that (most) women just do not act like that

Quote from: CallMeKatie on March 13, 2018, 03:19:46 PM
That's something very interesting! I've always found a lot of men quite vulgar in the way they act. The whole sprawl all over a chair and elbows on the table and the most disgusting, coughing up and spitting it on the floor.
It never even occurred to me, although in hindsight I always knew, that (most) women just do not act like that

You really should be feeling sorry for them.  After all, it's T-tardation.

QuoteIt never even occurred to me, although in hindsight I always knew, that (most) women just do not act like that

Yes...most don't act that way.  And when  a woman does, she really stands out to me.  And not in a good way.  Like someone pointed out earlier, women like men come in all shapes and sizes. 

Quote from: LauraFoxingtons on March 13, 2018, 03:06:21 AM
Okay then. I'll overlook height
And my shoulders might be okay too

Look up the U.S. women's Olympic water polo team. They have a very transgender build. Shoulders are no problem. Just be careful of tops with shoulder padding or exposed shoulders.

In terms of voice the thing that helped me most was to adjust my internal voice, the voice you think in. If you deliberately make that voice feminine in your head your actual voice will follow along. It's not perfect. Telephones limit frequency and detail and I do get misgendered on the phone but not in person.

The spy who came in from the cold in the War Between the Sexes.

I think there are other things way more important than height and shoulder width, those being hair and face.  You can take care of hair with time and growing it (or a wig if needed).  HRT will take care of most or all of the face concerns in time also. 

I'm not terribly short myself at 5'11" and since I do a lot of powerlifting am not really petite in the shoulders either.  I can still pass most of the time without thinking about it too much but it took nearly three years of HRT and hair growing to get to that point.  You just have to give it time and not get too impatient along the way.


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Quote from: Deborah on March 14, 2018, 09:26:48 AM
I think there are other things way more important than height and shoulder width, those being hair and face.  You can take care of hair with time and growing it (or a wig if needed).  HRT will take care of most or all of the face concerns in time also. 

I'm not terribly short myself at 5'11" and since I do a lot of powerlifting am not really petite in the shoulders either.  I can still pass most of the time without thinking about it too much but it took nearly three years of HRT and hair growing to get to that point.  You just have to give it time and not get too impatient along the way.

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Deborah:  The good news is, when I do any people watching is that there seems to be a lot, perhaps a lot more, taller women out there.  I have 2 recent cis women friends that are each well over 6 feet tall.  I am only 5'4" so they tower over me even if I wear heels and they wear flats....  it is not a big issue any more in my opinion.  Beauty can come in all sizes and shapes.

Yes, you gave very good advice about giving HRT more time.... usually not very much happens very fast with HRT... patience is required.  I just completed year #3 of my HRT and for me it was during the 3rd year that things really changed substantially, especially in my face.

Oh, by the way, your new Avatar/Profile Picture is terrific.... YES, you can pass easily in my opinion. 
You look great!!!!

Danielle

Quote from: Deborah on March 14, 2018, 09:26:48 AM
I think there are other things way more important than height and shoulder width, those being hair and face.  You can take care of hair with time and growing it (or a wig if needed).  HRT will take care of most or all of the face concerns in time also. 

I'm not terribly short myself at 5'11" and since I do a lot of powerlifting am not really petite in the shoulders either.  I can still pass most of the time without thinking about it too much but it took nearly three years of HRT and hair growing to get to that point.  You just have to give it time and not get too impatient along the way.


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Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 14, 2018, 10:39:28 AM
Deborah:  The good news is, when I do any people watching is that there seems to be a lot, perhaps a lot more, taller women out there.  I have 2 recent cis women friends that are each well over 6 feet tall.  I am only 5'4" so they tower over me even if I wear heels and they wear flats....  it is not a big issue any more in my opinion.  Beauty can come in all sizes and shapes.

Yes, you gave very good advice about giving HRT more time.... usually not very much happens very fast with HRT... patience is required.  I just completed year #3 of my HRT and for me it was during the 3rd year that things really changed substantially, especially in my face.

Oh, by the way, your new Avatar/Profile Picture is terrific.... YES, you can pass easily in my opinion. 
You look great!!!!

Danielle

So you're telling me I've got 2 more years to "not get too impatient" ahead if me?

You got any tips for that?  ☺☺

I think I handled year one ok, doesn't seem like it was that long ago. 

For the OP, I'm 6'3".  I see enough cis women around that are my height or close too it.  I work with one also, and while it's unusual, it's not freakish.




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Quote from: TonyaW on March 14, 2018, 10:59:15 AM

So you're telling me I've got 2 more years to "not get too impatient" ahead if me?

You got any tips for that?  ☺☺

I think I handled year one ok, doesn't seem like it was that long ago. 

For the OP, I'm 6'3".  I see enough cis women around that are my height or close too it.  I work with one also, and while it's unusual, it's not freakish.

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@Tonya:   Oh yeah, when I first started HRT I wanted to see almost immediate results...just like most folks that have just made the big decision to start HRT.

I was stating how HRT worked for ME, and I stated only my experience... and YOUR HRT experience will most likely not be the same as mine, or as others.

A reoccurring conclusive comment on this site about the effects of HRT and how fast.... is that EVERY BODY will react differently and see results at a different rate with HRT.   For some folks good results are quicker and for some folks good results will be slower coming.   

My statement about "Paitence is Required" is for those that have started HRT recently and are not seeing the results that they are most eager to quickly see.... in my opinion not very much happens very fast with HRT ..... but give it time

Best wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: ElizabethK on March 13, 2018, 08:14:13 AM
No beauty pageant winner here LOL

Passing is not something that I never consider as a real possibility for me. But amazingly despite my negativity I can see "her" staring back at me in the mirror.

There a very few Trans women who don't have some "tells" if you scrutinise them long enough...having said that most people don't take that much notice. People are terrible at noticing things and what they are likely to remember is you the person. Despite not "passing" in the classical sense I get treated pretty well. I don't know about acceptance but I am generally not misgendered...yes it gets to me at times when my dysphoria is kicking me hard but on the whole I am happy. As time goes by and my confidence rises the absolute need to "pass" diminishes. The less I think about and just be me the better I get on.

There are so many things you can do to change the way people perceive you...clothes makeup hair are all part of it but self confidence plays a huge roll as well and some would argue is more important than the asthetics....Maybe just being the best "you" that you can be, will get you where you want to be...no one wants to be singled out or ostracised and despite not "passing" neither of these things happen to me.

Take care

Liz

I love this post.... I'm also one of those gals, that will not pass. I did lose some weight, but I still got a long way to go. I'm not super tall, but I'm very bulky, and have broad shoulders. Not to mention, unless I can afford FFS then my face will give it away. Oh and that voice. It's really deep if I speak normally. ( Working on that. But that takes time. It requires lots of training)

But you know what ? If I didn't transition due to not looking passable. I would still be the super depressed, closeted person I was before.   I may not look conventionally beautiful. But most of time, I feel beautiful. And those that want to gender correctly do.

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Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 14, 2018, 11:31:20 AM
@Tonya:   Oh yeah, when I first started HRT I wanted to see almost immediate results...just like most folks that have just made the big decision to start HRT.

I was stating how HRT worked for ME, and I stated only my experience... and YOUR HRT experience will most likely not be the same as mine, or as others.

A reoccurring conclusive comment on this site about the effects of HRT and how fast.... is that EVERY BODY will react differently and see results at a different rate with HRT.   For some folks good results are quicker and for some folks good results will be slower coming.   

My statement about "Paitence is Required" is for those that have started HRT recently and are not seeing the results that they are most eager to quickly see.... in my opinion not very much happens very fast with HRT ..... but give it time

Best wishes,
Danielle

I happened to notice that you both said 3 years and I was mostly joking about the "I want it yesterday" feeling that I think most of us have

Of course I want more, but I'm pretty happy with my one year results.  Also encouraged that there's (hopefully) a lot more to come.

By the by, my sister (in Anchorage now) used to live in one of those "can't get there from here" towns up the coast.

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Geez, just take a patience pill and relax!  ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)

Quote from: Cassi on March 14, 2018, 03:10:39 PM
Geez, just take a patience pill and relax!  ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)

@ Cassi:   It can be very difficult to have patience when one is yearning for getting on with their transition and wanting to see significant results....   many have the craving of "I want it all, and I want it now"
Patience is a virtue that can sometimes be evasive.
Danielle

Quote from: Cassi on March 14, 2018, 03:10:39 PM
Geez, just take a patience pill and relax!  ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)

I want patience, and I want it NOW!!  >:-)  ::)

I have not quite hit my one year mark for HRT. Even before I started I literally told myself that I was going to be an ugly woman. Although it is just my personal opinion, I think I was wrong. So far the only surgery I had was a trachea shave. I have posted a few photos in my Rose Garden thread starting here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,233104.msg2092927.html#msg2092927

When I started I was 6ft 1in, 185lbs, men's size 12-4E shoes, men's size Large shirts, men's 38x34 pants, ring size 8.5.

I am still 6ft 1in, but now I am 160lbs, women's size 13-B shoes, women's XSmall - Small tops, women's size 8 - 10 jeans, ring size 7.

Having confidence in yourself is a big part of passing. Have faith in yourself. It is not an easy journey, but for many of us it is probably the best decision we ever made.

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 14, 2018, 04:11:36 PM
I have not quite hit my one year mark for HRT. Even before I started I literally told myself that I was going to be an ugly woman. Although it is just my personal opinion, I think I was wrong. So far the only surgery I had was a trachea shave. I have posted a few photos in my Rose Garden thread starting here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,233104.msg2092927.html#msg2092927

When I started I was 6ft 1in, 185lbs, men's size 12-4E shoes, men's size Large shirts, men's 38x34 pants, ring size 8.5.

I am still 6ft 1in, but now I am 160lbs, women's size 13-B shoes, women's XSmall - Small tops, women's size 8 - 10 jeans, ring size 7.

Having confidence in yourself is a big part of passing. Have faith in yourself. It is not an easy journey, but for many of us it is probably the best decision we ever made.

Jessica Rose:  I imagine that you are very pleased with your HRT results so far... and there may be a lot more to come.  Hang on, it will be an exciting journey.  Nice job on your 25 pound weight loss, that is a lot of hard work, determination and willpower... Kudos to you.   Keep the updates coming.
Danielle

Quote from: Cassi on March 14, 2018, 03:10:39 PM
Geez, just take a patience pill and relax!  ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)

More pills?  And I'm the drug dealer?

Quote from: KathyLauren on March 14, 2018, 03:41:02 PM
I want patience, and I want it NOW!!  >:-)  ::)

Reminded me of this.


  (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180315/c1e3d98c63a96fd19408fa45368fad5a.jpg)

Ok back on topic.

To the OP, if you haven't seen a gender therapist yet, that is the first place to start.

Worries about not passing never played into why I waited to transition.  Not that I believe that I do, I'm pretty sure I don't at 6'3" and not skinny.

Confidence in who you are goes a long way and probably is why I usually get gendered correctly most of the time.  Act like you know what you're doing and people will believe you.  It takes practice and belief in yourself.

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9

Once I'm there I don't think I'm going to be the quiet one, lol.

Quote from: Cassi on March 15, 2018, 12:26:50 PM
Once I'm there I don't think I'm going to be the quiet one, lol.

The name Cassi... and the word Quiet   ...
......  should not be used in the same sentence !!!!!!

Love ya Cassi !!
Danielle

Size seems to be a big concern with trans women. But its not that big of a deal. Lots of Cis women are big.  My mom is half an inch short of 6 feet tall. Her feet are size 10 1/2 and her hands are big enough to totally engulf mine. No one has ever thought she was a guy. Also keep in mind that people don't think trans/guy when they see a tall woman.  They think model. I was at the mall with my brother and one of his friends once and we saw a woman who had to be 6'2-6'3. They started talking about how tall she was and thought it was hot that she was so tall. I've always wanted to be tall and have long legs but I got totally gypped in the height department. Enjoy being tall lots of us envy you.

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 15, 2018, 01:00:02 PM

The name Cassi... and the word Quiet   ...
......  should not be used in the same sentence !!!!!!

Love ya Cassi !!
Danielle

Probably not, lol.

Love ya too!

Thank you all for your support. I feel so much better about my size and with HRT I'm sure that things will only get better

Any tips in the meantime?

Someone else may have already mentioned this, but start facial hair removal yesterday. If you are lucky and have dark hair and light skin try laser hair removal (not IPL, but laser). If you are not a good candidate for laser or have some grey in your beard you will need electrolysis. It takes a long time. I have been doing both electrolysis (2hr per week) and laser for over a year, and I still need to shave every other day.

Laura, I second starting hair removal "yesterday"! It's a slow process. Also, if you aren't already doing so, speak with a therapist who has experience with gender issues. They can help you sort through many of your concerns.

Jayne

I used to think passing 100% of the time was success.  But it isn't necessarily about be passable, pretty or being "stealth."   Living an honest and genuine life is the goal.   I think most of us lose track of this at times.