Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Male to female transsexual talk (MTF) => Topic started by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:12:23 AM Return to Full Version
Title: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:12:23 AM
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:12:23 AM
Just wondering how many of you actually knew what was going on in your head from an early age. While I personally had these thoughts and feelings since I was old enough to remember, it still took me a few decades to figure out. Now it seems obvious, but in my case I seriously just thought there was something wrong with me much of my life and sort of tried to ignore it.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180327/c49d0942b734bae7db711e5525e8c213.jpg)
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Jennifer W on March 27, 2018, 09:20:43 AM
Post by: Jennifer W on March 27, 2018, 09:20:43 AM
Quote from: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:12:23 AMI always knew as far back as 5 or 6. I always felt out touch with everyone. I've been lost for a very long time and just recently became aware of all the feelings I've had in the past were GD. I remember sitting outside on the curb outside my house reading Christine Jorgensen's book and identified with her immediately. I wonder if all my learning disabilities had something to do with my GD. I am accepting myself more and more for who I am at 64.
Just wondering how many of you actually knew what was going on in your head from an early age. While I personally had these thoughts and feelings since I was old enough to remember, it still took me a few decades to figure out. Now it seems obvious, but in my case I seriously just thought there was something wrong with me much of my life and sort of tried to ignore it.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180327/c49d0942b734bae7db711e5525e8c213.jpg)
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: KathyLauren on March 27, 2018, 09:33:53 AM
Post by: KathyLauren on March 27, 2018, 09:33:53 AM
I had no idea what was going on in there! I knew at age 7 that I wanted to be a girl, but I had no idea why. And since that was "obviously" not possible, I filed that thought away and carried on like I was supposed to. I started cross-dressing around puberty. But I thought that made me a pervert, so I hid it and tried not to do it. I never fit in as a guy, but I though there was just something wrong with me. I cross-dressed again in my thirties, and I knew that it was more than a fetish, but by then I thought transgender people were weird and I couldn't possibly be one of them. You get the pattern, I'm sure.
I didn't figure it out until age 61. So I totally get where you are coming from.
I didn't figure it out until age 61. So I totally get where you are coming from.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:43:36 AM
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:43:36 AM
At 38 I'm much more comfortable with myself and enjoy every moment of not pretending to be male. I seem to have gone thru a very similar chain of events. What really woke me up, and led to me coming out and living as me, was hearing of others that were like me.. I too didn't identify as transgender interestingly enough untill more recently, as I suppose I just wasn't educated enough on what it meant or how it related to my situation.
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 09:47:37 AM
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 09:47:37 AM
I knew at a very early age. 4-5 years old. I didn't know what trans was at that age but I knew something was wrong and that I wasn't a boy and even at that age I was very resistant to anything male, male clothes, toys, etc. Thankfully my dad didn't try to force male behavior on me.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: FinallyMichelle on March 27, 2018, 12:22:28 PM
Post by: FinallyMichelle on March 27, 2018, 12:22:28 PM
We can know what we want and what we feel like at a young age, but can we know what that means? It took me a while against direct and persistent opposition but by puberty there was no doubt. Even then I didn't have a name for it, just shame at being so twisted.
Like most people on the planet, we do what we can with what we know.
Like most people on the planet, we do what we can with what we know.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Shawnna on March 27, 2018, 02:30:18 PM
Post by: Shawnna on March 27, 2018, 02:30:18 PM
I've been trans female my entire life. I don't have any concept what it means to be cis male.
The only things I know about being male are what I've observed or been taught. The other boys I encountered could have been from a different planet or species from what I knew.
The girls on the other hand made sense and felt the same as me, just in a different package.
The thing I could never figure out was why everyone was forcing me to be one of the aliens instead of the girls that were just like me. They were trying to fix the wrong problem. I just needed my physical self to be the same as the other girls. I didn't have a word for until later in life.
Now I have the term transgender female but it's always been the same feeling. It hasn't changed in 57 years. I don't think it's going to change any time in the future. All I can do is change my body to match who I've always been, the best I can, and find a way to accommodate anything I cannot change.
It's actually so much easier for me to transition then to deny who I really am, if that makes any sense.
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The only things I know about being male are what I've observed or been taught. The other boys I encountered could have been from a different planet or species from what I knew.
The girls on the other hand made sense and felt the same as me, just in a different package.
The thing I could never figure out was why everyone was forcing me to be one of the aliens instead of the girls that were just like me. They were trying to fix the wrong problem. I just needed my physical self to be the same as the other girls. I didn't have a word for until later in life.
Now I have the term transgender female but it's always been the same feeling. It hasn't changed in 57 years. I don't think it's going to change any time in the future. All I can do is change my body to match who I've always been, the best I can, and find a way to accommodate anything I cannot change.
It's actually so much easier for me to transition then to deny who I really am, if that makes any sense.
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 05:42:13 PM
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 05:42:13 PM
I appreciate you ladies sharing! I think many aspects are similar for a lot of us. I just find it interesting how some people know in a different way perhaps from early on.
As early 4 or 5 years I was sort of identifying as female and trying to wear bras and such, but for the next 30 years I looked at it as some sort of a problem that I had to hide, and kept it to myself. Tried my best to be what I thought I guy was supposed to be, but always felt like I came from a diferent planet or something. I understand a lot of me not pursuing transitioning earlier was I didn't really understand it was ok or possible, so I guess I did know from the strart in ways. But I really had no idea exactly what it was I was feeling till I was in my 30's and decided to let myself explore it.. and instantly realized what I was missing, and apparently what had caused so much anxiety my whole life.
While transitioning at first created a different type of social anxiety, it too for me was/is much easier than the alternative.
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As early 4 or 5 years I was sort of identifying as female and trying to wear bras and such, but for the next 30 years I looked at it as some sort of a problem that I had to hide, and kept it to myself. Tried my best to be what I thought I guy was supposed to be, but always felt like I came from a diferent planet or something. I understand a lot of me not pursuing transitioning earlier was I didn't really understand it was ok or possible, so I guess I did know from the strart in ways. But I really had no idea exactly what it was I was feeling till I was in my 30's and decided to let myself explore it.. and instantly realized what I was missing, and apparently what had caused so much anxiety my whole life.
While transitioning at first created a different type of social anxiety, it too for me was/is much easier than the alternative.
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Allison S on March 27, 2018, 06:20:49 PM
Post by: Allison S on March 27, 2018, 06:20:49 PM
Nothing is wrong with you, or any of us (as far as being transgender goes). But a lot is wrong with the world. Hopefully it's coming around
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 06:34:18 PM
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 06:34:18 PM
Quote from: Allison S on March 27, 2018, 06:20:49 PMThanks, Allison.
Nothing is wrong with you, or any of us (as far as being transgender goes). But a lot is wrong with the world. Hopefully it's coming around
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 06:36:28 PM
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 06:36:28 PM
Quote from: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 05:42:13 PM
I appreciate you ladies sharing! I think many aspects are similar for a lot of us. I just find it interesting how some people know in a different way perhaps from early on.
As early 4 or 5 years I was sort of identifying as female and trying to wear bras and such, but for the next 30 years I looked at it as some sort of a problem that I had to hide, and kept it to myself. Tried my best to be what I thought I guy was supposed to be, but always felt like I came from a diferent planet or something. I understand a lot of me not pursuing transitioning earlier was I didn't really understand it was ok or possible, so I guess I did know from the strart in ways. But I really had no idea exactly what it was I was feeling till I was in my 30's and decided to let myself explore it.. and instantly realized what I was missing, and apparently what had caused so much anxiety my whole life.
While transitioning at first created a different type of social anxiety, it too for me was/is much easier than the alternative.
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When I was very young I thought some awful mistake had happened. I knew I was physically a boy but I thought it was a mistake and that it would somehow correct itself. Then when I got older and found out about SRS I just knew I would have it when I grew up. I didn't try to be a boy because I was just not capable of doing it. I've never known how to be male. If I had tried I would only have failed miserably so I didn't try to be anything else but what I was. But life would have been much easier for me if I could have played the male part.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Kylo on March 27, 2018, 06:46:53 PM
Post by: Kylo on March 27, 2018, 06:46:53 PM
Who knew the whole deal at age six or something without being explained to? Not me, anyway. I knew I wasn't happy. It manifested as self-hate in the early days but later as disconnection from society and other people. I guess for a long time I felt like everything I was and every decision or feeling I've ever had I was somehow powerfully responsible for. With that mindset, you tend to think gender issues are excessive vanity or arrogance.
I suppose the positive side of that is learning that you're aren't personally responsible for these things, but the negative side is to acknowledge you've been powerless, at the whim of a malaise, and didn't know it. That your life wasn't ruined by you, but even worse, by some quirk of genetic fate or something. For me that's hard to accept since my modus operandi has always been to assume control of as much of my own life as possible.
Before the penny dropped completely, I was under the impression I was basically cis, basically normal, and could work at being normal, y'know... fix every little thing one way or another through career or experience or philosophy and get a normal life. Unfortunately the fact of it was that I was not "normal" and there was no easy fix. But for a few years there I was deluded into thinking I was just like everyone else, except with a boatload of inexplicable, alienating complexes.
Until I knew the real nature of the problem there's no way I would have figured out the real solution. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be "happier" never having figured it out. Being nebulously miserable but not knowing why versus the total acceptance of your crap fate and that nature has screwed you over big time. I don't know.
I suppose the positive side of that is learning that you're aren't personally responsible for these things, but the negative side is to acknowledge you've been powerless, at the whim of a malaise, and didn't know it. That your life wasn't ruined by you, but even worse, by some quirk of genetic fate or something. For me that's hard to accept since my modus operandi has always been to assume control of as much of my own life as possible.
Before the penny dropped completely, I was under the impression I was basically cis, basically normal, and could work at being normal, y'know... fix every little thing one way or another through career or experience or philosophy and get a normal life. Unfortunately the fact of it was that I was not "normal" and there was no easy fix. But for a few years there I was deluded into thinking I was just like everyone else, except with a boatload of inexplicable, alienating complexes.
Until I knew the real nature of the problem there's no way I would have figured out the real solution. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be "happier" never having figured it out. Being nebulously miserable but not knowing why versus the total acceptance of your crap fate and that nature has screwed you over big time. I don't know.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 06:55:55 PM
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 06:55:55 PM
I think for a lot of trans kids their parents are intolerant when they show behavior of the gender opposite of the gender they were assigned at birth. They are told they are doing something wrong and what they are doing is "bad". And sadly some kids are beaten for it. When stuff like that happens I can understand why some people try so hard to suppress their trans feelings. Thankfully my dad was very tolerant with my feminine behavior and didn't try to force male behavior on me. Because of that I never had a strong motivation to try and act like a boy or to try to repress my female feelings.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 07:02:02 PM
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 07:02:02 PM
Reading these responses, I should stress again as I have before, (and, since I'm pretty new around here) that it is amazing to have all of you to talk with!
Andi
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Andi
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 07:08:23 PM
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 07:08:23 PM
Quote from: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 07:02:02 PM
Reading these responses, I should stress again as I have before, (and, since I'm pretty new around here) that it is amazing to have all of you to talk with!
Andi
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Glad to have you here. Ive been here almost a year and it's been extremely helpful. Ive recieved some excellent advice here.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 07:14:21 PM
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 07:14:21 PM
Quote from: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 07:08:23 PMThank you. I've found myself reading some of the topics here n there for a year or so, but just made my first post recently.
Glad to have you here. Ive been here almost a year and it's been extremely helpful. Ive recieved some excellent advice here.
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Karen on March 27, 2018, 07:28:40 PM
Post by: Karen on March 27, 2018, 07:28:40 PM
I can relate to your question.
I never felt like I fit in or belonged. I did not like guy sports or aggressive behaviour. I liked hanging around the girls. I remember wanting to be a girl and like the girls. I remember constantly going through my mom and sisters things and wearing their clothes....putting a bra on and going out to play in my sand box.
I developed a few guy friends that were gentler, deeper and different. I often wondered if I was gay.
I grew up with a high level of emotional sensitivity and emphaty, not like guys I have known. I also grew up struggling in school feeling different, and likely with a learning disability, like dyslexia. I eventually suppressed my feminine side.
My family was relatively poor and worked 7 days a week. And I begrudged teachers, kids and my parents...I became determined to prove them all I was good enough and could be successful with an amazing life. Well 50 years later, I have achieved a great family, career and have a great spouse, who I envied (I know realize in hindsight). The problem is the suppressed feminine me has been there constantly, beneath the surface and peaking out more and more...when I idolized and wanted to be like women I would meet, when I would dream and think constantly about ways to get away with wearing women's clothes, let my sensitive side out periodically, cross dress for brief periods.
Now that my life goals are achieved and my children don't need me as much, and I at mid life, I have found myself on a 2 year journey and nagging feeling about my gender. I have always wondered who I am and why I was different. I started reading about gender when the national geographic came out, hated my body hair and started to do laser, lost my mom and last parent....and 7 months ago, had a gay friend explain transgender to me...and the difference between gender and sexual orientation. It was like lightning struck me.
My life has been upside down for the last 7 months as I relive and make sense of who I am. I now believe and accept I am transgender, and am making small steps forward while figuring out how to handle and mange my life. On one hand it feels great and like I finally have an answer, and on the other scary and uncharted. My spouse knows and is supportive so far.
Lots to figure out. I hope this helps, and anyone please challenge me if you think my diagnosis is flawed.
I never felt like I fit in or belonged. I did not like guy sports or aggressive behaviour. I liked hanging around the girls. I remember wanting to be a girl and like the girls. I remember constantly going through my mom and sisters things and wearing their clothes....putting a bra on and going out to play in my sand box.
I developed a few guy friends that were gentler, deeper and different. I often wondered if I was gay.
I grew up with a high level of emotional sensitivity and emphaty, not like guys I have known. I also grew up struggling in school feeling different, and likely with a learning disability, like dyslexia. I eventually suppressed my feminine side.
My family was relatively poor and worked 7 days a week. And I begrudged teachers, kids and my parents...I became determined to prove them all I was good enough and could be successful with an amazing life. Well 50 years later, I have achieved a great family, career and have a great spouse, who I envied (I know realize in hindsight). The problem is the suppressed feminine me has been there constantly, beneath the surface and peaking out more and more...when I idolized and wanted to be like women I would meet, when I would dream and think constantly about ways to get away with wearing women's clothes, let my sensitive side out periodically, cross dress for brief periods.
Now that my life goals are achieved and my children don't need me as much, and I at mid life, I have found myself on a 2 year journey and nagging feeling about my gender. I have always wondered who I am and why I was different. I started reading about gender when the national geographic came out, hated my body hair and started to do laser, lost my mom and last parent....and 7 months ago, had a gay friend explain transgender to me...and the difference between gender and sexual orientation. It was like lightning struck me.
My life has been upside down for the last 7 months as I relive and make sense of who I am. I now believe and accept I am transgender, and am making small steps forward while figuring out how to handle and mange my life. On one hand it feels great and like I finally have an answer, and on the other scary and uncharted. My spouse knows and is supportive so far.
Lots to figure out. I hope this helps, and anyone please challenge me if you think my diagnosis is flawed.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 08:02:56 PM
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 08:02:56 PM
Quote from: Karen0366 on March 27, 2018, 07:28:40 PM
I can relate to your question.
I never felt like I fit in or belonged. I did not like guy sports or aggressive behaviour. I liked hanging around the girls. I remember wanting to be a girl and like the girls. I remember constantly going through my mom and sisters things and wearing their clothes....putting a bra on and going out to play in my sand box.
I developed a few guy friends that were gentler, deeper and different. I often wondered if I was gay.
I grew up with a high level of emotional sensitivity and emphaty, not like guys I have known. I also grew up struggling in school feeling different, and likely with a learning disability, like dyslexia. I eventually suppressed my feminine side.
My family was relatively poor and worked 7 days a week. And I begrudged teachers, kids and my parents...I became determined to prove them all I was good enough and could be successful with an amazing life. Well 50 years later, I have achieved a great family, career and have a great spouse, who I envied (I know realize in hindsight). The problem is the suppressed feminine me has been there constantly, beneath the surface and peaking out more and more...when I idolized and wanted to be like women I would meet, when I would dream and think constantly about ways to get away with wearing women's clothes, let my sensitive side out periodically, cross dress for brief periods.
Now that my life goals are achieved and my children don't need me as much, and I at mid life, I have found myself on a 2 year journey and nagging feeling about my gender. I have always wondered who I am and why I was different. I started reading about gender when the national geographic came out, hated my body hair and started to do laser, lost my mom and last parent....and 7 months ago, had a gay friend explain transgender to me...and the difference between gender and sexual orientation. It was like lightning struck me.
My life has been upside down for the last 7 months as I relive and make sense of who I am. I now believe and accept I am transgender, and am making small steps forward while figuring out how to handle and mange my life. On one hand it feels great and like I finally have an answer, and on the other scary and uncharted. My spouse knows and is supportive so far.
Lots to figure out. I hope this helps, and anyone please challenge me if you think my diagnosis is flawed.
I can understand a bit of what you're going thru. Interesting trying to figure out such a thing. My experience is doing what feels right has been good for me.
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: alex82 on March 27, 2018, 08:05:02 PM
Post by: alex82 on March 27, 2018, 08:05:02 PM
Since 4 or so it's been buzzing in my head.
What goes on now, post everything, is peace. It does not take away from work stress or personal stress, but just peace. There's no feeling of being trapped anymore. No associated panic attacks.
I love my family, I love my flat, I enjoy the feedback from those who see it. I love my wardrobe it's a walk in room off my bedroom), and my work. My friends are fantastic. I love my son who is perfect in every way (and I'm sorry, but I don't want him to be trans or even gay, I want him to have a happy straight uncomplicated life. I don't want his path through life to resemble mine, I want him to have every security and sense of self. I don't wish for him to be any part of a striving minority, or to waste time questioning himself, although if he is then clearly I'll support him).
I love my lovely partner and I think he's sexy as hell, with an amazing laugh and sense of the absurd. And boy does he scrub up well. His kindness blows my mind. For once I've chosen kind over exciting, and the upside is he's also hot. Yes exciting in his own way, but probably in a healthier way than I've been with in the past.
Politically, socially, emotionally - no changes. I am who I've always been.
What goes on now, post everything, is peace. It does not take away from work stress or personal stress, but just peace. There's no feeling of being trapped anymore. No associated panic attacks.
I love my family, I love my flat, I enjoy the feedback from those who see it. I love my wardrobe it's a walk in room off my bedroom), and my work. My friends are fantastic. I love my son who is perfect in every way (and I'm sorry, but I don't want him to be trans or even gay, I want him to have a happy straight uncomplicated life. I don't want his path through life to resemble mine, I want him to have every security and sense of self. I don't wish for him to be any part of a striving minority, or to waste time questioning himself, although if he is then clearly I'll support him).
I love my lovely partner and I think he's sexy as hell, with an amazing laugh and sense of the absurd. And boy does he scrub up well. His kindness blows my mind. For once I've chosen kind over exciting, and the upside is he's also hot. Yes exciting in his own way, but probably in a healthier way than I've been with in the past.
Politically, socially, emotionally - no changes. I am who I've always been.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Thadrea on March 27, 2018, 08:23:12 PM
Post by: Thadrea on March 27, 2018, 08:23:12 PM
I never really felt I belonged as a boy, but it wasn't until around 10-11 or so that I started actively wishing/thinking I was a girl. The possibility that I could be a girl was not something that really occurred to me before that.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 08:43:02 PM
Post by: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 08:43:02 PM
I've always known that something wasn't right. I had several early indicators that left me wondering about my gender.
My oldest memory, at age 4 or 5, is of my sister (that is 3½ years older than me) and I getting dressed to go to church with my grandmother. It was one of those rare occasions that she chose to wear a dress. I told her that I wanted to wear a dress too. Being the smarter, older sister, she told me "But you're a boy, and boys don't wear dresses." I just remember it making me very sad.
A little background first... My mother had told the story that she had several miscarriages between my two older sisters and a few more after my middle sister. My father wanted a son to carry on the family name, so she kept trying. When my mom got pregnant with me, she told him that was the last time. She couldn't go through it again.
At age 9, I was beginning to feel like something was wrong with me. That's when I discovered my scrotal raphe. That's the scar looking line that occurs because all fetuses begin developing as female for the first 12 weeks. But I didn't know that at the time. I only knew that scars were caused by cuts and surgery. All I could think was that I had been born a girl and my father wanted a son so bad that they did some kind of surgery to make me a boy. That was the only explanation my 9 year old brain could come up with.
I started crossdressing shortly after that. I just thought I was weird. Then, thanks to tabloid TV (Maury Povich, Montel Williams, Sally Jesse Raphael and the like) I learned about transsexuals. That was me!
Then in the 90s, along came the internet. I read everything about transsexuals that I could find. After reading about Harry Benjamin and the "requirements" to be considered for treatment (that you needed to be attracted to men) I began experimenting sexually. I wanted that surgery!
I wound up just settling for being a "crossdressing weirdo" for another 10+ years. I started reading more online and discovered the premise that doctors and psychologists now recognized that gender and sexuality are independent of each other. Maybe I can transition?
Well this post turned out longer than I expected. My apologies for that. Hopefully some of this resonates with any of you reading this. I guess this should have been my introduction that I never wrote.
My oldest memory, at age 4 or 5, is of my sister (that is 3½ years older than me) and I getting dressed to go to church with my grandmother. It was one of those rare occasions that she chose to wear a dress. I told her that I wanted to wear a dress too. Being the smarter, older sister, she told me "But you're a boy, and boys don't wear dresses." I just remember it making me very sad.
A little background first... My mother had told the story that she had several miscarriages between my two older sisters and a few more after my middle sister. My father wanted a son to carry on the family name, so she kept trying. When my mom got pregnant with me, she told him that was the last time. She couldn't go through it again.
At age 9, I was beginning to feel like something was wrong with me. That's when I discovered my scrotal raphe. That's the scar looking line that occurs because all fetuses begin developing as female for the first 12 weeks. But I didn't know that at the time. I only knew that scars were caused by cuts and surgery. All I could think was that I had been born a girl and my father wanted a son so bad that they did some kind of surgery to make me a boy. That was the only explanation my 9 year old brain could come up with.
I started crossdressing shortly after that. I just thought I was weird. Then, thanks to tabloid TV (Maury Povich, Montel Williams, Sally Jesse Raphael and the like) I learned about transsexuals. That was me!
Then in the 90s, along came the internet. I read everything about transsexuals that I could find. After reading about Harry Benjamin and the "requirements" to be considered for treatment (that you needed to be attracted to men) I began experimenting sexually. I wanted that surgery!
I wound up just settling for being a "crossdressing weirdo" for another 10+ years. I started reading more online and discovered the premise that doctors and psychologists now recognized that gender and sexuality are independent of each other. Maybe I can transition?
Well this post turned out longer than I expected. My apologies for that. Hopefully some of this resonates with any of you reading this. I guess this should have been my introduction that I never wrote.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 08:56:37 PM
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 08:56:37 PM
Quote from: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 08:43:02 PM
I've always known that something wasn't right. I had several early indicators that left me wondering about my gender.
My oldest memory, at age 4 or 5, is of my sister (that is 3½ years older than me) and I getting dressed to go to church with my grandmother. It was one of those rare occasions that she chose to wear a dress. I told her that I wanted to wear a dress too. Being the smarter, older sister, she told me "But you're a boy, and boys don't wear dresses." I just remember it making me very sad.
A little background first... My mother had told the story that she had several miscarriages between my two older sisters and a few more after my middle sister. My father wanted a son to carry on the family name, so she kept trying. When my mom got pregnant with me, she told him that was the last time. She couldn't go through it again.
At age 9, I was beginning to feel like something was wrong with me. That's when I discovered my scrotal raphe. That's the scar looking line that occurs because all fetuses begin developing as female for the first 12 weeks. But I didn't know that at the time. I only knew that scars were caused by cuts and surgery. All I could think was that I had been born a girl and my father wanted a son so bad that they did some kind of surgery to make me a boy. That was the only explanation my 9 year old brain could come up with.
I started crossdressing shortly after that. I just thought I was weird. Then, thanks to tabloid TV (Maury Povich, Montel Williams, Sally Jesse Raphael and the like) I learned about transsexuals. That was me!
Then in the 90s, along came the internet. I read everything about transsexuals that I could find. After reading about Harry Benjamin and the "requirements" to be considered for treatment (that you needed to be attracted to men) I began experimenting sexually. I wanted that surgery!
I wound up just settling for being a "crossdressing weirdo" for another 10+ years. I started reading more online and discovered the premise that doctors and psychologists now recognized that gender and sexuality are independent of each other. Maybe I can transition?
Well this post turned out longer than I expected. My apologies for that. Hopefully some of this resonates with any of you reading this. I guess this should have been my introduction that I never wrote.
OMG, I didn't know liking men had been a requirement back then! That's awful! So you could be a trans woman but you had to be a " straight" trans woman. God, even the professionals who were supposed to help trans people were still ignorant! That's messed up!
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: alex82 on March 27, 2018, 09:05:02 PM
Post by: alex82 on March 27, 2018, 09:05:02 PM
Quote from: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 06:55:55 PM
I think for a lot of trans kids their parents are intolerant when they show behavior of the gender opposite of the gender they were assigned at birth. They are told they are doing something wrong and what they are doing is "bad". And sadly some kids are beaten for it. When stuff like that happens I can understand why some people try so hard to suppress their trans feelings. Thankfully my dad was very tolerant with my feminine behavior and didn't try to force male behavior on me. Because of that I never had a strong motivation to try and act like a boy or to try to repress my female feelings.
I think you're right sadly. It's not what I want for my boy, and honestly, I'd be shattered if he had to deal with this. I'd be devastated for him, and shattered for myself.
I'm from a very liberal family in a famously liberal city, so if I feel like that, who knows what it must be like in other places.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:09:00 PM
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:09:00 PM
No problem on a long post. I am enjoying hearing these stories, and getting to know you. I think it's also good reading for anyone still trying to figure themselves out.
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:14:28 PM
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:14:28 PM
Quote from: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 08:56:37 PM2nd that!
OMG, I didn't know liking men had been a requirement back then! That's awful! So you could be a trans woman but you had to be a " straight" trans woman. God, even the professionals who were supposed to help trans people were still ignorant! That's messed up!
Wouldn't have helped me much!
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 09:16:45 PM
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 09:16:45 PM
Quote from: alex82 on March 27, 2018, 09:05:02 PM
I think you're right sadly. It's not what I want for my boy, and honestly, I'd be shattered if he had to deal with this. I'd be devastated for him, and shattered for myself.
I'm from a very liberal family in a famously liberal city, so if I feel like that, who knows what it must be like in other places.
My dad wasn't happy about it and Im sure it made him sad. But thankfully for me he also realized it wasn't something that anything could change and that it couldn't be forced out of me.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 09:24:18 PM
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 09:24:18 PM
Quote from: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:14:28 PM
2nd that!
Wouldn't have helped me much!
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That's just so absurd! I don't know what they were thinking back then.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Camouflage on March 27, 2018, 09:32:57 PM
Post by: Camouflage on March 27, 2018, 09:32:57 PM
I always knew that I was attracted to men and that I wanted to be desired like women are. For many years I thought that meant I was a gay man. But then I had this weird feeling because when I saw a gay couple I did not feel reflected on them, because my ideal was not about 'two men together', but I still didn't realize I was trans. When I became sexually active at 22 it didn't take long before I started crossdressing, and then it all started to sink in. I grew my hair, started dressing more androgynously and pushing the limits of my gender. I wish I had known sooner, but anyway I know I want to be female (and not a 'gay man') and I'm not going back.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:36:26 PM
Post by: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:36:26 PM
Quote from: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 09:24:18 PMChanging by the day.. hopefully for the better. Weather or not politically I'm not always so sure, but I root for science and education!
That's just so absurd! I don't know what they were thinking back then.
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 09:44:40 PM
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 09:44:40 PM
Quote from: Camouflage on March 27, 2018, 09:32:57 PM
I always knew that I was attracted to men and that I wanted to be desired like women are. For many years I thought that meant I was a gay man. But then I had this weird feeling because when I saw a gay couple I did not feel reflected on them, because my ideal was not about 'two men together', but I still didn't realize I was trans. When I became sexually active at 22 it didn't take long before I started crossdressing, and then it all started to sink in. I grew my hair, started dressing more androgynously and pushing the limits of my gender. I wish I had known sooner, but anyway I know I want to be female (and not a 'gay man') and I'm not going back.
Before I came out as trans everyone assumed I was gay and I hated that. I did mess around with gay and bi guys before I transitioned but only because those were the only guys available to me at that time. But I never considered myself gay.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 09:59:51 PM
Post by: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 09:59:51 PM
Quote from: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 08:56:37 PMCOGIATI. The acronym for the test that classified you based on gender stereotypes. A lot of it is centered on sexuality. Some of it does have some merit. About your empathy and emotional state of mind and such.
OMG, I didn't know liking men had been a requirement back then! That's awful! So you could be a trans woman but you had to be a " straight" trans woman. God, even the professionals who were supposed to help trans people were still ignorant! That's messed up!
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 10:10:25 PM
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 10:10:25 PM
Quote from: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 09:59:51 PM
COGIATI. The acronym for the test that classified you based on gender stereotypes. A lot of it is centered on sexuality. Some of it does have some merit. About your empathy and emotional state of mind and such.
So what if you didn't like men? They wouldn't give you treatment?
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 10:38:46 PM
Post by: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 10:38:46 PM
Quote from: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 10:10:25 PMFrom what I read back then, as best I understood, it was virtually impossible. I've read since then that many trans women purposely lied on the test in order to get treatment. But some still were denied.
So what if you didn't like men? They wouldn't give you treatment?
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 10:52:04 PM
Post by: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 10:52:04 PM
Quote from: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 10:38:46 PM
From what I read back then, as best I understood, it was virtually impossible. I've read since then that many trans women purposely lied on the test in order to get treatment. But some still were denied.
That's just so wrong!
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 11:03:43 PM
Post by: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 11:03:43 PM
Quote from: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 10:52:04 PMThis was the origin of the term "gatekeepers".
That's just so wrong!
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: pamelatransuk on March 28, 2018, 06:06:11 AM
Post by: pamelatransuk on March 28, 2018, 06:06:11 AM
Quote from: Jennifer W on March 27, 2018, 09:20:43 AM
I always knew as far back as 5 or 6. I always felt out touch with everyone. I've been lost for a very long time and just recently became aware of all the feelings I've had in the past were GD. I remember sitting outside on the curb outside my house reading Christine Jorgensen's book and identified with her immediately. I wonder if all my learning disabilities had something to do with my GD. I am accepting myself more and more for who I am at 64.
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Quote from: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 10:38:46 PM
From what I read back then, as best I understood, it was virtually impossible. I've read since then that many trans women purposely lied on the test in order to get treatment. But some still were denied.
I knew I wished to be a girl at age 4 and I remember telling my grandmother. I thought something had gone wrong at birth and it would be corrected. By age 10 I knew it would not be corrected automatically. I found out about sex changes (the term used then) due to the case of Jan Morris. I discovered there was a difference between ->-bleeped-<-s and transsexuals and knew I was one of the latter but settled for bodyshaving and crossdressing all my life till last year aged 62 when the transgender situation became so prominent, that I could no longer suppress but had to seek therapy. As you see I have been on hormones 7 weeks. I expect to transition publicly when I see some physical changes.
Yes my understanding is that until 20 years ago it was here in the UK just as StacyRenee states. Surgery was only permitted if you were transsexual straight and indeed British transsexuals lied to lied to psychiatrist to "get authorization." Incredible it took so long to separate sexual orientation from gender identity.
Pamela
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Izzy Grace on March 28, 2018, 11:47:06 AM
Post by: Izzy Grace on March 28, 2018, 11:47:06 AM
I ask myself this question a lot these days. How could I basically be clueless for that long? I wasn't really clueless, it was just survival.
Over a certain age, there was no information, no access to it, and no way to even know what to look up if I even had had access to it. By the time it really showed up in things like media, we could see it was portrayed so darkly or negatively and we were old enough to realize that we better keep it to ourselves. A dark secret. I think most of us in those age groups kept hoping we'd be cured by love or time, or age, or maybe just that no one would find out, lol. It never occurred to me that you could live like this. Later, its like, oh young people have it so good, but I'm not young.
And all of that happens in your head on a sort of subconscious/conscious level. Then its put back again where no one can see it. I really believe its just like drug addiction denial or eating disorders. You can convince yourself of anything. Do something outright, convince yourself you don't have a problem, and then act and believe it never happened.
I was 10/11 when I started cross-dressing and realized that I was sexually fluid the first time. I was always fascinated by everything girl though. I messed around with other gay and bi boys in my neighborhood, but I realized pretty quick no one else wanted to BE a girl and then a boy I messed around with freaked out afterwords and told everyone.
It was pretty horrible in this state to be any kind of queer so I started obscuring who I was, total damage control.
I still crossdressed, had urges, envied girls... I remember shaving my legs all the time, thinking about how girls had it all and I'd give anything to be one. Thinking if I wished hard enough.... if I really believed, whatever controlled this universe... god or whatever would grant me the kindness of turning me into a girl and changing everyone's memory of me. For a long while, I thought I just wasn't trying hard enough to believe, lol.
Then reality sets in and you realize your stuck and I thought I was crazy, quite honestly. So I went about obscuring everything to the max. I got called the F-word (the gay slur) all the time. Every time they critiqued something, I changed it to adjust my flamboyance from noticeable to camouflaged.
(https://media.giphy.com/media/25DEdKqZ2EvPdPdPN9/giphy.gif)
Then it was just slowly putting everything in a box and sealing it. Egg state. Total closet. It was total denial. I mean I asked several girls I went out this much later with and it doesn't look like much each piece and part but together makes a rather convincing picture of closeted living. Especially with all the stuff they didn't know, those are convincing on their own.
Then you're just basically running down a clock on how long you can take living closeted before it starts taking too much of a toll.
Over a certain age, there was no information, no access to it, and no way to even know what to look up if I even had had access to it. By the time it really showed up in things like media, we could see it was portrayed so darkly or negatively and we were old enough to realize that we better keep it to ourselves. A dark secret. I think most of us in those age groups kept hoping we'd be cured by love or time, or age, or maybe just that no one would find out, lol. It never occurred to me that you could live like this. Later, its like, oh young people have it so good, but I'm not young.
And all of that happens in your head on a sort of subconscious/conscious level. Then its put back again where no one can see it. I really believe its just like drug addiction denial or eating disorders. You can convince yourself of anything. Do something outright, convince yourself you don't have a problem, and then act and believe it never happened.
I was 10/11 when I started cross-dressing and realized that I was sexually fluid the first time. I was always fascinated by everything girl though. I messed around with other gay and bi boys in my neighborhood, but I realized pretty quick no one else wanted to BE a girl and then a boy I messed around with freaked out afterwords and told everyone.
It was pretty horrible in this state to be any kind of queer so I started obscuring who I was, total damage control.
I still crossdressed, had urges, envied girls... I remember shaving my legs all the time, thinking about how girls had it all and I'd give anything to be one. Thinking if I wished hard enough.... if I really believed, whatever controlled this universe... god or whatever would grant me the kindness of turning me into a girl and changing everyone's memory of me. For a long while, I thought I just wasn't trying hard enough to believe, lol.
Then reality sets in and you realize your stuck and I thought I was crazy, quite honestly. So I went about obscuring everything to the max. I got called the F-word (the gay slur) all the time. Every time they critiqued something, I changed it to adjust my flamboyance from noticeable to camouflaged.
(https://media.giphy.com/media/25DEdKqZ2EvPdPdPN9/giphy.gif)
Then it was just slowly putting everything in a box and sealing it. Egg state. Total closet. It was total denial. I mean I asked several girls I went out this much later with and it doesn't look like much each piece and part but together makes a rather convincing picture of closeted living. Especially with all the stuff they didn't know, those are convincing on their own.
Then you're just basically running down a clock on how long you can take living closeted before it starts taking too much of a toll.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Jennifer W on March 28, 2018, 12:01:00 PM
Post by: Jennifer W on March 28, 2018, 12:01:00 PM
Quote from: Izzy Grace on March 28, 2018, 11:47:06 AMIts really amazing to me how many of us have shared the same experiences. Thank you Izzy..Hugs
I ask myself this question a lot these days. How could I basically be clueless for that long? I wasn't really clueless, it was just survival.
Over a certain age, there was no information, no access to it, and no way to even know what to look up if I even had had access to it. By the time it really showed up in things like media, we could see it was portrayed so darkly or negatively and we were old enough to realize that we better keep it to ourselves. A dark secret. I think most of us in those age groups kept hoping we'd be cured by love or time, or age, or maybe just that no one would find out, lol. It never occurred to me that you could live like this. Later, its like, oh young people have it so good, but I'm not young.
And all of that happens in your head on a sort of subconscious/conscious level. Then its put back again where no one can see it. I really believe its just like drug addiction denial or eating disorders. You can convince yourself of anything. Do something outright, convince yourself you don't have a problem, and then act and believe it never happened.
I was 10/11 when I started cross-dressing and realized that I was sexually fluid the first time. I was always fascinated by everything girl though. I messed around with other gay and bi boys in my neighborhood, but I realized pretty quick no one else wanted to BE a girl and then a boy I messed around with freaked out afterwords and told everyone.
It was pretty horrible in this state to be any kind of queer so I started obscuring who I was, total damage control.
I still crossdressed, had urges, envied girls... I remember shaving my legs all the time, thinking about how girls had it all and I'd give anything to be one. Thinking if I wished hard enough.... if I really believed, whatever controlled this universe... god or whatever would grant me the kindness of turning me into a girl and changing everyone's memory of me. For a long while, I thought I just wasn't trying hard enough to believe, lol.
Then reality sets in and you realize your stuck and I thought I was crazy, quite honestly. So I went about obscuring everything to the max. I got called the F-word (the gay slur) all the time. Every time they critiqued something, I changed it to adjust my flamboyance from noticeable to camouflaged.
(https://media.giphy.com/media/25DEdKqZ2EvPdPdPN9/giphy.gif)
Then it was just slowly putting everything in a box and sealing it. Egg state. Total closet. It was total denial. I mean I asked several girls I went out this much later with and it doesn't look like much each piece and part but together makes a rather convincing picture of closeted living. Especially with all the stuff they didn't know, those are convincing on their own.
Then you're just basically running down a clock on how long you can take living closeted before it starts taking too much of a toll.
Sent from my LG-TP260 using Tapatalk
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Shy on March 28, 2018, 02:17:00 PM
Post by: Shy on March 28, 2018, 02:17:00 PM
Most of my interests and play were feminine in my earliest years, I never gave it a second thought that I was anything other than female. My friends were female, I even started my own knitting club.
Around eight years old I started experimenting with makeup but by this time I was more aware that things weren't the way they should be.
When puberty struck I really couldn't cope and started exhibiting the first signs of depression and anxiety.
Long story short I came out just over a year ago, found Susan's and went full time pre everything. I live in the U.K. so access to gender clinics takes a few years.
I'm Sadie, my family calls me Sadie. I'm beginning to adjust and find my place in society again. Most if not all of the shame has gone :) I have good and bad days like everyone has good and bad days, but overall I'm much happier :D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Around eight years old I started experimenting with makeup but by this time I was more aware that things weren't the way they should be.
When puberty struck I really couldn't cope and started exhibiting the first signs of depression and anxiety.
Long story short I came out just over a year ago, found Susan's and went full time pre everything. I live in the U.K. so access to gender clinics takes a few years.
I'm Sadie, my family calls me Sadie. I'm beginning to adjust and find my place in society again. Most if not all of the shame has gone :) I have good and bad days like everyone has good and bad days, but overall I'm much happier :D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: josie76 on March 28, 2018, 07:41:51 PM
Post by: josie76 on March 28, 2018, 07:41:51 PM
A lot of our stories are similar. I knew I should have been or felt like I was supposed to be a girl at around 4. What I knew then was there was a difference kids were put into and I seemed to be in the wrong one. I did say something to my mom once but understood such things were not to be spoken of. There were times I remember wishing I was a girl in those early years. As I got older I never fit in with the boys but in first grade I learned how to copy the boys to avoid humiliation and getting beat up. There were zero understanding kids back then. As I got older I could never shake the feeling of being just wrong no matter how hard I tried to fit in. I struggled with my emotions all the time. I used to tell myself that all boys must have just as hard a time to hold their feelings in check. Then why boy stuff seemed so natural for them all but was so hard for me. I concentrated every minute on how to move, how to speak, always watching others visible cues to see if I acted wrong. Always in a state of heightened anxiety.
When puberty came close I felt the urge to remove my own testes. I never tried but I planned it out more than once. I did dress some in private. Thing is all the media portrayed trans people as something to make fun of. I heard more than a few comments about gay people and "->-bleeped-<-s" from my dad growing up. None of his kids were ever manly enough for him but we mainly just avoided him anyway. I remember many times in my teens and some in my twenties that I wanted desparately to be able to tell my mom who I really was inside.
It wasn't until much later in life that I saw information about sex change and pictures of some whose transition left me feeling worse about myself. I thought I was too old and had lived too long with testosterone to ever be able to live a real life. So I remained as I was. I even told myself I just wasn't meant to be happy in this life.
Today I am over a year on HRT. Despite the anxiety of living openly as myself, I am the closest to happy and definitely feeling better than I ever have in most of my life. Being forced to pretend to be a man for so long wore down my very soul and my will to live. Now I want life even though it can be hard. My emotions free flow with my thoughts. It is literally less work just being alive than before.
When puberty came close I felt the urge to remove my own testes. I never tried but I planned it out more than once. I did dress some in private. Thing is all the media portrayed trans people as something to make fun of. I heard more than a few comments about gay people and "->-bleeped-<-s" from my dad growing up. None of his kids were ever manly enough for him but we mainly just avoided him anyway. I remember many times in my teens and some in my twenties that I wanted desparately to be able to tell my mom who I really was inside.
It wasn't until much later in life that I saw information about sex change and pictures of some whose transition left me feeling worse about myself. I thought I was too old and had lived too long with testosterone to ever be able to live a real life. So I remained as I was. I even told myself I just wasn't meant to be happy in this life.
Today I am over a year on HRT. Despite the anxiety of living openly as myself, I am the closest to happy and definitely feeling better than I ever have in most of my life. Being forced to pretend to be a man for so long wore down my very soul and my will to live. Now I want life even though it can be hard. My emotions free flow with my thoughts. It is literally less work just being alive than before.
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: JulieAllana on March 28, 2018, 10:15:46 PM
Post by: JulieAllana on March 28, 2018, 10:15:46 PM
Quote from: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:43:36 AM
At 38 I'm much more comfortable with myself and enjoy every moment of not pretending to be male. I seem to have gone thru a very similar chain of events. What really woke me up, and led to me coming out and living as me, was hearing of others that were like me.. I too didn't identify as transgender interestingly enough untill more recently, as I suppose I just wasn't educated enough on what it meant or how it related to my situation.
I'm 41 now. I started consciously wanting to be a woman at around puberty. It manifested in fantasies, but that was just the way I coped with the feelings. Not knowing what transgender was I had no frame of reference for what I was going through. I knew that I my feelings weren't normal (now I know they are just uncommon) and the subconscious mind took over and compartmentalized just about everything. Any sort of feminine behavior or even perceived feminine behavior was locked away while I continued to allow myself my fantasies to address my dysphoria. All of this is really in hindsight as at the time I just thought I was some twisted freak with strange fantasies.
Over the years I was constantly fascinated by gender change in popular culture which would be fodder for my imagination as I longed and longed to be a woman. By the time I figured out I just wanted to be a woman and that sex changes were real, I never thought it was something for me...I was too big/masculine/unattractive/whatever. Of course I had seen very beautiful trans-women, I just thought that was a road I would be unable to go down. With that road not an option, I didn't identify as trans, but I sure was fascinated by them and even envied them. All the while the subconscious is working to keep anyone from finding out my horrible secret.
Fast forward to January 2018 and something broke. I had been watching a bunch of Youtube trans-women talk about transitioning and had seen a bunch of before/after pictures of people not unlike myself and I basically asked myself why couldn't I transition? The conversatoin in my head went like this,"I am too overweight at 320 pounds." I answered back "so, just lose it," to which the reply was, "how much would I have to lose," and the answer was, "150 pounds," to which the answer was, "ok!"
Just like that I was on the road to transitioning. I now see a therapist weekly and have lost 65 pounds. I would like to start hrt in another 30.
At first I was riding a pretty big emotional high to finally be on the right path, but it isn't an easy road for me lately. There are a bunch of emotional ups and downs as my subconscious is still messing with my head. 30+ years of repression don't just disappear into the ether. I bet my subconscious is all upset that I am unraveling 3 decades of its work weaving the mask that it thought was protecting me. Now the mask is just getting in the way.
I'm still figuring things out day by day as I try to reconnect with myself. I am out to a few family and friends and I will be out to more as I become more comfortable with myself. It's scary, but I don't want to go back where I came from...that isn't really an option. Carry on...
Julie
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Zille on March 30, 2018, 03:58:59 AM
Post by: Zille on March 30, 2018, 03:58:59 AM
Quote from: Karen0366 on March 27, 2018, 07:28:40 PM
I can relate to your question.
I never felt like I fit in or belonged. I did not like guy sports or aggressive behaviour. I liked hanging around the girls. I remember wanting to be a girl and like the girls. I remember constantly going through my mom and sisters things and wearing their clothes....putting a bra on and going out to play in my sand box.
I developed a few guy friends that were gentler, deeper and different. I often wondered if I was gay.
I grew up with a high level of emotional sensitivity and emphaty, not like guys I have known. I also grew up struggling in school feeling different, and likely with a learning disability, like dyslexia. I eventually suppressed my feminine side.
My family was relatively poor and worked 7 days a week. And I begrudged teachers, kids and my parents...I became determined to prove them all I was good enough and could be successful with an amazing life. Well 50 years later, I have achieved a great family, career and have a great spouse, who I envied (I know realize in hindsight). The problem is the suppressed feminine me has been there constantly, beneath the surface and peaking out more and more...when I idolized and wanted to be like women I would meet, when I would dream and think constantly about ways to get away with wearing women's clothes, let my sensitive side out periodically, cross dress for brief periods.
Now that my life goals are achieved and my children don't need me as much, and I at mid life, I have found myself on a 2 year journey and nagging feeling about my gender. I have always wondered who I am and why I was different. I started reading about gender when the national geographic came out, hated my body hair and started to do laser, lost my mom and last parent....and 7 months ago, had a gay friend explain transgender to me...and the difference between gender and sexual orientation. It was like lightning struck me.
My life has been upside down for the last 7 months as I relive and make sense of who I am. I now believe and accept I am transgender, and am making small steps forward while figuring out how to handle and mange my life. On one hand it feels great and like I finally have an answer, and on the other scary and uncharted. My spouse knows and is supportive so far.
Lots to figure out. I hope this helps, and anyone please challenge me if you think my diagnosis is flawed.
OMG, can I relate to this Karen well minus the SO being fully supportive.
Thanks for sharing, always amazed at how all you wonderful people on here helps shine lights at elements of our own lives that show support and encourages positive change.
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Zille on March 30, 2018, 04:14:00 AM
Post by: Zille on March 30, 2018, 04:14:00 AM
Quote from: JulieAllana on March 28, 2018, 10:15:46 PM
I'm 41 now. I started consciously wanting to be a woman at around puberty. It manifested in fantasies, but that was just the way I coped with the feelings. Not knowing what transgender was I had no frame of reference for what I was going through. I knew that I my feelings weren't normal (now I know they are just uncommon) and the subconscious mind took over and compartmentalized just about everything. Any sort of feminine behavior or even perceived feminine behavior was locked away while I continued to allow myself my fantasies to address my dysphoria. All of this is really in hindsight as at the time I just thought I was some twisted freak with strange fantasies.
Over the years I was constantly fascinated by gender change in popular culture which would be fodder for my imagination as I longed and longed to be a woman. By the time I figured out I just wanted to be a woman and that sex changes were real, I never thought it was something for me...I was too big/masculine/unattractive/whatever. Of course I had seen very beautiful trans-women, I just thought that was a road I would be unable to go down. With that road not an option, I didn't identify as trans, but I sure was fascinated by them and even envied them. All the while the subconscious is working to keep anyone from finding out my horrible secret.
Fast forward to January 2018 and something broke. I had been watching a bunch of Youtube trans-women talk about transitioning and had seen a bunch of before/after pictures of people not unlike myself and I basically asked myself why couldn't I transition? The conversatoin in my head went like this,"I am too overweight at 320 pounds." I answered back "so, just lose it," to which the reply was, "how much would I have to lose," and the answer was, "150 pounds," to which the answer was, "ok!"
Just like that I was on the road to transitioning. I now see a therapist weekly and have lost 65 pounds. I would like to start hrt in another 30.
At first I was riding a pretty big emotional high to finally be on the right path, but it isn't an easy road for me lately. There are a bunch of emotional ups and downs as my subconscious is still messing with my head. 30+ years of repression don't just disappear into the ether. I bet my subconscious is all upset that I am unraveling 3 decades of its work weaving the mask that it thought was protecting me. Now the mask is just getting in the way.
I'm still figuring things out day by day as I try to reconnect with myself. I am out to a few family and friends and I will be out to more as I become more comfortable with myself. It's scary, but I don't want to go back where I came from...that isn't really an option. Carry on...
Julie
Julie, that's beautiful. Keep it going sister.
I'm 42 and it's taken me all those years, of over compensating with Masculine behavior while also sleeping with some of my best male friends through the years.
Now at the crossroad, where I've been dressing secretly for the better of 30 plus years and being exposed to so much energy from this Forum and watching others going through amazing transitions, I'm finally arriving at a place where I start to believe I can do it myself.
I can recognize all the mentioning of having more empathetic male and even female friends, dressing secretly as young as 8-9, over compensation in male behaviour and much more.
Thank you all for sharing and enriching my and everybody else's life on here.
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: smart_michelle on April 22, 2018, 02:13:32 PM
Post by: smart_michelle on April 22, 2018, 02:13:32 PM
Hi - at the age of about 7 or 8 I just wanted to be a girl and spent my growing up years in a state of guilt and confusion particularly after dressing in secretly borrowed female clothes, but when I was dressing I felt so comfortable and liked the way I looked as well. But I struggled to accept myself, thought there was something really wrong with me. I didn't fit in with my male peers at school, got bullied a lot.
I started being able to accept myself after I was able to tell my then girlfriend (now wife) when I was 20, her acceptance of me started the journey to being able to understand myself. With access to the internet I finally found out what I was experiencing, that there were others like me and went from there.
I am finding nowadays ( and I am on the verge of going full time aged 44 - at the moment best described as a half and half life) - particularly after a couple of days living as Michelle, that I forget the 'trans' label completely and just get on with normal everyday life as a mum, wife and daughter. In a few weeks time hopefully I will be able to live a completely female life and won't have the increasingly hard to deal with four days a week of having to switch back for my present work. I have to really think hard to do "man" nowadays.
I have always preferred conversations with women rather than men, and indeed my best friends have always been women. I am finding that the more time I spend as Michelle the more I look at men "from the outside" in the sense that "oh, he *would* think/do that wouldn't he?" or "typical man!!" . I am finding that I am smiling a lot more as Michelle, and am more creative.
I seem to be lucky in that, being 5'2'', below shoulder length naturally wavy hair, small hands and size 5ish feet, I don't get "read" much if at all. In fact I have often been mistaken for a woman during my adult life - which actually was really good in one way but really hard when I wasn't able to live as openly as I do now, and I often found in conversations that there would be the "correct" response that a man would give and what I was actually thinking which was different.
I have been working on my voice though have still some way to go I think in terms of keeping things going towards the later part of the day. And mannerisms need a bit of work, I have trained myself not to nod my head when acknowledging or agreeing, though I have always talked a lot with my hands and fiddled with my hair!
I am trying to dress down a bit for everyday tasks and trips, jeans and top, leggings and long top, flats or flat boots rather than heels as again I want to blend in, go unnoticed, I'm observing what other women are wearing in different weather and trying to wear something similar. Though I do love my "posher" clothes and summer dresses! Not being able to wear a light and cool summer dress in warm weather was one of the things that I struggled with the most over the years, from both and mental and indeed practical point of view. We've just had the first really warm days this year here in England and it felt so good to be out with bare legs and a nice dress!
How I have explained how it feels to wish to live in a gender other than that I was born in is that "everything fits" and just the sheer fact that it makes everything feel so comfortable mentally and physically.
Hope that makes some sense
Michelle
I started being able to accept myself after I was able to tell my then girlfriend (now wife) when I was 20, her acceptance of me started the journey to being able to understand myself. With access to the internet I finally found out what I was experiencing, that there were others like me and went from there.
I am finding nowadays ( and I am on the verge of going full time aged 44 - at the moment best described as a half and half life) - particularly after a couple of days living as Michelle, that I forget the 'trans' label completely and just get on with normal everyday life as a mum, wife and daughter. In a few weeks time hopefully I will be able to live a completely female life and won't have the increasingly hard to deal with four days a week of having to switch back for my present work. I have to really think hard to do "man" nowadays.
I have always preferred conversations with women rather than men, and indeed my best friends have always been women. I am finding that the more time I spend as Michelle the more I look at men "from the outside" in the sense that "oh, he *would* think/do that wouldn't he?" or "typical man!!" . I am finding that I am smiling a lot more as Michelle, and am more creative.
I seem to be lucky in that, being 5'2'', below shoulder length naturally wavy hair, small hands and size 5ish feet, I don't get "read" much if at all. In fact I have often been mistaken for a woman during my adult life - which actually was really good in one way but really hard when I wasn't able to live as openly as I do now, and I often found in conversations that there would be the "correct" response that a man would give and what I was actually thinking which was different.
I have been working on my voice though have still some way to go I think in terms of keeping things going towards the later part of the day. And mannerisms need a bit of work, I have trained myself not to nod my head when acknowledging or agreeing, though I have always talked a lot with my hands and fiddled with my hair!
I am trying to dress down a bit for everyday tasks and trips, jeans and top, leggings and long top, flats or flat boots rather than heels as again I want to blend in, go unnoticed, I'm observing what other women are wearing in different weather and trying to wear something similar. Though I do love my "posher" clothes and summer dresses! Not being able to wear a light and cool summer dress in warm weather was one of the things that I struggled with the most over the years, from both and mental and indeed practical point of view. We've just had the first really warm days this year here in England and it felt so good to be out with bare legs and a nice dress!
How I have explained how it feels to wish to live in a gender other than that I was born in is that "everything fits" and just the sheer fact that it makes everything feel so comfortable mentally and physically.
Hope that makes some sense
Michelle
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: pamelatransuk on April 23, 2018, 07:54:08 AM
Post by: pamelatransuk on April 23, 2018, 07:54:08 AM
Pleased to "meet " you Michelle.
I came in on this thread at comment 35 - my history and others' are so similar to yours.
I mainly post either on Transgender Talk Board or on this Board.
I am in therapy and started HRT 11 weeks ago and it is so wonderful to read of others further along to point of going public and really enjoying the life we were all meant to have. I intend to go public when physical changes hopefully happen from HRT.
They are many UK members here but I enjoy debating with members anywhere.
I wish you every happiness on your continued journey.
Pamela
I came in on this thread at comment 35 - my history and others' are so similar to yours.
I mainly post either on Transgender Talk Board or on this Board.
I am in therapy and started HRT 11 weeks ago and it is so wonderful to read of others further along to point of going public and really enjoying the life we were all meant to have. I intend to go public when physical changes hopefully happen from HRT.
They are many UK members here but I enjoy debating with members anywhere.
I wish you every happiness on your continued journey.
Pamela
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Lady Love on April 29, 2018, 01:04:33 AM
Post by: Lady Love on April 29, 2018, 01:04:33 AM
Lololol just constantly thinking bout everything
I am a curious head mixed with a mile a minute mouth that processes things by talking through them. It was a curse when i was young because i looked for reason in the harsh landscape of youth social interaction and found none. Now i attribute this overanalyzing to teaching me about art and my gender. Basically all the ->-bleeped-<- I did as a kid came to not much and now my life is dedicated to being a superfabulous trans artist. So I guess its good I paid attention to stuff XD
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I am a curious head mixed with a mile a minute mouth that processes things by talking through them. It was a curse when i was young because i looked for reason in the harsh landscape of youth social interaction and found none. Now i attribute this overanalyzing to teaching me about art and my gender. Basically all the ->-bleeped-<- I did as a kid came to not much and now my life is dedicated to being a superfabulous trans artist. So I guess its good I paid attention to stuff XD
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Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Michelle G on April 29, 2018, 09:53:00 AM
Post by: Michelle G on April 29, 2018, 09:53:00 AM
Quote from: Allison S on March 27, 2018, 06:20:49 PM
Nothing is wrong with you, or any of us (as far as being transgender goes). But a lot is wrong with the world. Hopefully it's coming around
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This!
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Michelle G on April 29, 2018, 09:57:45 AM
Post by: Michelle G on April 29, 2018, 09:57:45 AM
My sister and I are very close in age and around 10 I started feeling that I should have been "like" her and I envied every girly thing about her as we grew up, I still do but now I get to be the real me 😊
Title: Re: What goes on in your head?
Post by: Lady Love on April 29, 2018, 11:32:47 AM
Post by: Lady Love on April 29, 2018, 11:32:47 AM
Quote from: Michelle G on April 29, 2018, 09:57:45 AMAw, that's a sweet story michelle :)
My sister and I are very close in age and around 10 I started feeling that I should have been "like" her and I envied every girly thing about her as we grew up, I still do but now I get to be the real me [emoji4]
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