Susan's Place Transgender Resources

What do you think of the 'always knew' narrative?

Just came across this in a post... Before that phrase used to make me uncomfortable and now it slightly irritates me.

What do you think? Did you 'always know' you were trans? What does that phrase mean to you exactly?

It seems many trans people struggle with this. And after all it seems the majority of us didn't 'always know'...! Far from it!

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For me, this one is easy:
Like I said, that phrase used to make me very uncomfortable. That brought to my mind those child transitioners like Jazz Jennings who had their family's support and seemed to always have known plus acted a plain girl.

Me on the other hand wasn't the tomboy as a child plus I was discouraged to act in any way boyish. I didn't have boy toys, nor boy clothes. I mostly played with dolls.

In fact, I did socially transition at 13 nevertheless. But my family still thinks my childhood somehow 'proves' I'm not trans!

Now, I think of it like this:
I didn't 'always know' I'm trans or a boy. I identified as a girl, because that's what society told me I was. It was a fact of nature. So I didn't insist I was a boy instead. However, I've always been me, this person I still am. So, I have multiple instances in my childhood I felt dysphoric in or uncomfortable of my assigned gender. I of course didn't know the word 'dysphoria', neither transgender. I was fascinated by anything crossdressing/trans stuff (because it spoke straight to my core) and in a way I always knew there were people who did that. (Because I was one of them, obviously.)

1) I wasn't allowed to explore this boy part of me in any way as a child. So it didn't really 'show' outside what I felt inside!
2) I wasn't aware of transitioning, dysphoria, etc. etc. as a young child, so I couldn't identify as a trans boy either.

BUT I've always been me. And thus I've come to the conclusion that, yes, after all, I 'always knew' in a way. My earliest gender related memories are from 1-4 years old. I didn't always feel discomfort for being a girl; but I've felt discomfort in such situations as long as I can remember, i.e. always.

So, imo, the whole 'always knew' narrative is some BS. TV loves that! And I'm glad there are families who openly let their children be their true selves and are genuinely interested in their child's well-being and getting to know them as a unique person. However, I'm guessing that's a minority. Most parents (unfortunately) don't let their children freely express their gender in any way possible.

I've struggled with that sentence. And I'm sure many people have!!! And will. As if you were more valid as yourself if you 'always knew'. 

The other controversial statement is 'trapped in the wrong body'. Maybe I should make a thread of that as well  :P!

Yes I always knew but I didn't know the real name for it. I thought I was a freak, something wrong with me. If I had known just 30 years ago I could have gotten help and my insurance pay for it. I could have ended the senseless suicide attempts that I went through trying to end the pain.

I didn't always know I was trans. I didn't know that was even a thing for a long time. All I knew was that I was different, but I couldn't define what it was that made me different until I was in my mid-20's when I started to put the pieces together.

Wolf I am with you on this too. I didn't know what I was for a very very very long time. It took discovery and acceptance on my part for myself to really come out. I didn't know all my life. I just knew I was different and didn't know how but, just knew I didn't fit in with the boys and leaned towards "girl things." As I was socialized I knew it wasn't even acceptable to be gay yet alone trans. I came to my realization about 14 or 16 when the "Maury" show was doing a is she a she or is she a boy segment and it intrigued me a lot. I understood the "girlie boys or transsexuals" as they called them on the show. I tried learning more but, the mid 90's information was not there. Also my parents found my searches on the computer and scared me to death and well squashed that for a while. I really suspected but, I couldn't explore and find myself because I was also Mormon and you are not different in their church. You blend in and do what you supposed to. So again socialization got the better of me. My breakthrough ahhh ha moment came about 3.5 years ago I was struggling with church and marriage. Dived right into the gender dysphoria hole. Which made me start exploring and finding. It all came on when a friend from my mission did a post on youtube saying she was trans and always felt ashamed and like she was living a lie. All the pieces fit for me when I saw her very brave video. It made me say then that I was trans, but it was at least another year till I did something about it. So I can't say I knew all my life. I just knew I was not the same as my peers.

Well I haven't always known I was trans no. I didnt know what trans was until I was about 10 years old. But at a very early age I knew something was very wrong and that I wasn't a boy even though I was told I was.

Well I always new I was odd/different first time was I believe 5 or 6 years old

I knew I was different since 4-5. Trans wasn't a word then, maybe not a concept. We were called transvestites.  I detest that term. Transgender is more accurate and acceptable.


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Define "know".

I always knew I was odd, but I never knew what it was until recently.  I had heard about people "having a sex change" as they called it, but to me that meant that transgender (the word didn't even exist) was something you did, not who you were.  And I didn't have the nerve to "do it".

It was only in recent years, when transgender entered public awareness via a couple of celebrities, that I realized that that's who I was. 

Quote from: Eevee on March 29, 2018, 03:04:40 AM
I didn't always know I was trans. I didn't know that was even a thing for a long time. All I knew was that I was different, but I couldn't define what it was that made me different until I was in my mid-20's when I started to put the pieces together.

Ditto Eevie...
My memory as well....
I literally had folks try to beat and pray the  girl out of me. It worked pretty well, as I buried her very deep until I found the info and resources to explore "..what is wrong with me..?  " .
hth
J

I had no idea what I was when I was a kid. I was teased for acting and walking like a girl. And got caught dressing like a girl my parents were outraged. Then I was caught again by my aunt dressing as a woman in my twenties. I was called a homosexual and cross dresser. I was just feminine and liked the idea of being a woman. So drank to hide those feelings. I am sober now and these feelings are stronger. I realized I am a transwoman. And now happier!!

No I didn't know that was the exact issue but I did know something was up about age 7 or 8.

I didn't identify as anything in particular back then though. People told me what they thought I was and categorized me by it. I don't think I paid much attention. It's like your name - its something other people use to identify you, but in your own head you don't need a name to know what's everything to do with you and what's not you, i.e. the rest of the world and everyone else. I didn't need gender definitions to operate (and to feel instinctively bad about the one I had).

Not really... and that pretty much until I was in my mid 40's.
I knew I was weird as a kid wearing my mom's bras. But I felt better.
I was blaming some odd fetish for years (and pretended to buy lingerie for my girlfriend). But I felt better.

For me it was a mix of postpartum depression and the ugly bathroom debate which really brought this on my radar and that was only two years ago. Then I looked up transgender and it just fit and made total sense. But... better late than never.

Yes, form an early age, but then I didn't know what trans was.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Quote from: Eevee on March 29, 2018, 03:04:40 AM
I didn't always know I was trans. I didn't know that was even a thing for a long time. All I knew was that I was different, but I couldn't define what it was that made me different until I was in my mid-20's when I started to put the pieces together.

I might have started putting the pieces together a little earlier, when I was 19 or something like that, but I thought that there's nothing I can do about it. In my country it's really hard to be different in every meaning of that word, you have to learn everything by yourself and don't even think that you'll find support from your family or friends. So it took me longer to finally figure myself out.

I knew something was wrong with me at age 10 although I didn't know what. Its a shame it took me the next 20 years to figure out why I was so miserable. I grew up in the 80's and I never heard of "Transgender" until years later. Growing up in the bible belt didn't help either.

Hugs,
     Chelsea

I may not have had a name for it and didnt want to acept it for 35 years but i always knew something was there

"Transgender" has only become common parlance in the current decade.  When I was a youngster it was crossdressers - or transvestites? was there a difference, I'd wonder?  - and transsexuals, or >-bleeped-<s if they had their clothes off; and I knew about drag queens like Divine.  I had no idea where to go to research this stuff, and for about 30 years I thought my brief flirtation with dressing up was just some pre teen pervosity I indulged in; my occasional fantasies were dirty/shameful/wrong, too.  Or just really unconventional.  As one account put it "I always fantasized about breasts, but it took me years to realize that other guys didn't fantasize about having them, too!" 

At the 2016 WPATH conference my therapist asked her colleagues about the estimates for the population of "Confused transsexuals" as one book describes us - people who don't have some epiphany about their gender mismatch at an early age.  No one knows.  We might be in the majority - she pointed out to me that all these kids coming forth these days as trans are much the same as those of us figuring out who we are in middle age. 

My deepest, darkest and most sinful secret.  I didn't understand it, was confused and fought it so many times. 

Quote from: KathyLauren on March 29, 2018, 07:39:16 AM
I always knew I was odd, but I never knew what it was until recently.  I had heard about people "having a sex change" as they called it, but to me that meant that transgender (the word didn't even exist) was something you did, not who you were.  And I didn't have the nerve to "do it".

This is exactly how I thought too, you put it perfectly. I hated people thinking of me as a girl, but I just assumed I was a weird girl, I didn't know there was anything else.

I literally had no idea what transgender was until I was like 17 years old. If I knew that changing your gender was a real thing then I would have jumped on it when I was like 10. Seriously, I fantasized about changing my gender throughout my entire childhood but I just did not know it was actually possible.

Quote from: TicTac on March 31, 2018, 02:16:39 AM
I literally had no idea what transgender was until I was like 17 years old. If I knew that changing your gender was a real thing then I would have jumped on it when I was like 10. Seriously, I fantasized about changing my gender throughout my entire childhood but I just did not know it was actually possible.

Me too. But I waited until 6 months ago at 27..  either way it's my path that I'll follow. Wow... I just had a TINY almost miniscule bug walk across my screen as I was typing this.. super weird [emoji54]
(Never had anything like that happen ever before.. lol)
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Quote from: Allison S on March 31, 2018, 03:09:57 AM
Me too. But I waited until 6 months ago at 27..  either way it's my path that I'll follow. Wow... I just had a TINY almost miniscule bug walk across my screen as I was typing this.. super weird [emoji54]
(Never had anything like that happen ever before.. lol)
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A bug walked across your screen? I hope you did not harm him! Bugs deserve to live too :( Anyways yeah, not knowing until after puberty sucks. I hope your transition goes well  :)

Quote from: TicTac on March 31, 2018, 12:32:04 PM
A bug walked across your screen? I hope you did not harm him! Bugs deserve to live too :( Anyways yeah, not knowing until after puberty sucks. I hope your transition goes well  :)

No I blew it away into the wind where it can learn to fly... Lol hope the fall was ok... I didn't think about that..

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Quote from: Allison S on March 31, 2018, 12:46:35 PM
No I blew it away into the wind where it can learn to fly... Lol hope the fall was ok... I didn't think about that..

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That is okay! I think he will be fine as bugs are pretty durable.

I knew there was something different but no idea what it was. I was extreme in anything I got involved in. In hindsite I know it was me protecting myself from my feminine side although I didn't know that until me T levels dropped and unfogged my mind. My god it all
Makes sense now and I only wish it made sense 55 + years ago.

Nope, I did not knew I was trans until later in life. I did however knew I wasn't what I was supposed to be. I knew I didn't fit in with the boys or girls.

I didn't think and felt at ease with boys. I felt feminine and had female behaviors/interest. I was born in 1963 and raised in a very strict conservative reformed Christian lifestyle. No sex education at school, no mentioning at home and with family. I was single, had no brother or sister. Until I was 16, then my parents allowed me to choose if I wanted to remain Christian. You probably know the answer. :)

The word transgender wasn't invented yet. I felt like I didn't belong, I felt like the ugly ducking. Long story short, I am now happy me. A woman. :)

I always knew from a very early age that I wasn't 'not trans*', but it took me many years to figure out what I might be, then many more to finally admit,  accept and finally embrace it.

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I knew I was very different from other kids but I was 21 before I realised  the reason why. It was like gradually being given a few pieces of a jigsaw every couple of years then putting it together

Quote from: epvanbeveren on April 01, 2018, 05:46:15 AM
I did however knew I wasn't what I was supposed to be. I knew I didn't fit in with the boys or girls.

Quote from: big kim on April 01, 2018, 02:19:00 PM
I knew I was very different from other kids but I was 21 before I realised  the reason why. It was like gradually being given a few pieces of a jigsaw every couple of years then putting it together

These deeply resonate with me. I also felt I didn't fit in with either gender - that I was 'unlike' the other girls and 'more like' the boys - but didn't realize that made me a boy necessarily. And even just recently I've been thinking over my childhood and if that 'in-between' feeling meant I was more nb than ftm. I remember many times having this sulky feeling and thinking, 'I'm not like those girls at all...!' And a panicky, dysphoric feeling when grouped up with them, thinking 'I should be there with the boys...!' But since I really didn't fit in with either group - I mostly felt just 'in-between'. In retrospect I wanted to be included with the boys but just wasn't, so...!

And then at 13 when I heard the other kids had thought I was a boy in my new school - it felt like a lightbulb went off and I found the last jigsaw puzzle piece. I felt that hey, suddenly all that made sense! I felt like a boy! And would like to be seen as one. Like a shroud had been taken off from covering my eyes  :D!

I did not know until I was 30 that there was a name for my feelings. I was a boy until I was about 10 and started to develop to a girl. Hid my chest. Was embarassed. I had always been one of the guys. Even at gyms class in school. I had a great teacher who saw I'm a boy.

As a small child I put up a fight when mom tried to dress me up in dresses and cute girly stuff.

I thought I was crazy. I felt like a freak. Never told anyone. Tried to be normal. Perfect happy mother and wife.  But today I know. Knowledge is everything.

I knew there were transvestites. But I was not one of them. I knew that much.

Always known....in one way I've always known. But I had not the knowledge until I was about 30.

Quote from: Allison S on March 31, 2018, 12:46:35 PM
No I blew it away into the wind where it can learn to fly... Lol hope the fall was ok... I didn't think about that..

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Quote from: TicTac on March 31, 2018, 10:36:38 PM
That is okay! I think he will be fine as bugs are pretty durable.

hahaha, I actually hadn't planned on answering here, just reading, gathering other's experiences. But I just HAD to comment on this conversation, because rarely have I laughed that hard over some side-convo on the internet  :D ;D
Anyways, you're right, the bug should be fine ^^

I am not sure if this actually IS my place to post any answer, since i am still in that "finding myself and figuring things out" -phase
But maybe I will participate once I feel ready

Short answer: No.

Like most replies here, I always knew I was different I just didn't know the extent of it...From a very young age I was a really feminine boy and my classmates gave me hell for it. I was called names and I didn't know what I was doing wrong. As a teenager when I definitely realized I liked boys I just thought I was gay (like everybody else told me I was since being a child) and thought all the pieces fitted in the puzzle, but of course they didn't. I still felt incomplete and sometimes I felt I didn't belong in the gay scene and the whole gay culture. The desire of being a woman was always on the back of my mind and slowly started growing until it became unbearable.

I was also really interested in any gender non-conforming person. From drag queens to androgynous to trans people I was super fascinated by the whole thing.

It wasn't until I was 25 that I started seriously considering I could be transgender. I'm 29 now and just started hormones last year.

I did "always" know in a way. I felt wrong from about age 4 on. Kids start to see the world split them based on gender then. I felt I was being put in the wrong group but didn't really know why or what it was. In Kindergarten my very best friend was a girl. I wanted to do everything with her back then. In first grade, new school, new kids, I found out how to start acting more like a boy. I felt left out of everything. I was teased and beaten up. I quickly learned to act right so the boys wouldn't pick on me the way they did. I could no longer play with the girls. I think that is when I started wishing I had been born a girl. I have vivid moments in my memory of anything that could have related to life had I been born female. A conversation my mom had with one of my aunts about what names were picked out when each was pregnant for instance. What I remembered was my mom would have named me Josephine. Her and I talked about it. She doesn't remember the conversation but she says it would have been Joy. Well I was a very little kid so my memory was close.  :)
I could never explain why but I could never shake the feeling I should have been female. This would emerge so strongly as to evoke tears often when I was alone or lying in bed at night. I had dysphoria about my genitals at around 11. I literally planned out the needed supplies to self castrate. I never went that far but it was a nagging thought for a few years anyway.

Anyway that is life, as they say.  ;)

Blocked out a lot of my childhood ~ too emotionally traumatic. When I was 4 or 5, I had fantasies about going to a ballet class in a leotard and tights and having the other girls not recognize me as a boy. I played with a girl across the street. I only remember playing with her dolls, but since I only have two older brothers, I must of played dress up with her, likely wearing her dance class clothes since I knew about ballet class, but I don't remember. Then one day, my Mom told my girlfriend's mom that I will no longer be playing because boys don't play with girls. I only remember feeling very embarrassed and ashamed.

During puberty, and maybe earlier, I dressed in my mom's underwear in secret a lot. I don't know if I just didn't put things back neatly, I stretched out my mom's hose or I got caught, but I think they knew since throughout puberty and my teen years my father would constantly tell me, and not my brothers as I later found out, that a man should have as much sex with as many women as possible. He probably didn't know about TG and thought I was gay.

I repressed my TG feelings for years filled with horrible depression and anxiety. Many times when I was away at conferences I would buy pantyhose without my wife knowing I was excited by women's lingerie. Wearing them always left me feeling ashamed and depressed ~ I'm sure from feeling ashamed as a kid.

Now I am 58 and have finally come out to my wife after a year of therapy. My wife was supportive at first, but now my marriage is rocky. I know now that I am a woman in a man's body, but culturally I was raised as a male. I know that if I transition I will end up alone, which may worsen my depression and I am worried about killing myself over it. So I have horrible gender dysphoria. It is a no win situation for me.

Anyway, to answer your question, I had desires to be a girl at a very young age, feelings that became repressed for the most part. Maybe if I was born at this more progressive time in history I could have gone on to transition at an early age.

I know that many of these posts go unread, especially long ones like this one, but I would love a response of any kind. Thanks!

Quote from: karenk1959 on April 03, 2018, 11:37:18 AM
Blocked out a lot of my childhood ~ too emotionally traumatic. When I was 4 or 5, I had fantasies about going to a ballet class in a leotard and tights and having the other girls not recognize me as a boy. I played with a girl across the street. I only remember playing with her dolls, but since I only have two older brothers, I must of played dress up with her, likely wearing her dance class clothes since I knew about ballet class, but I don't remember. Then one day, my Mom told my girlfriend's mom that I will no longer be playing because boys don't play with girls. I only remember feeling very embarrassed and ashamed.

During puberty, and maybe earlier, I dressed in my mom's underwear in secret a lot. I don't know if I just didn't put things back neatly, I stretched out my mom's hose or I got caught, but I think they knew since throughout puberty and my teen years my father would constantly tell me, and not my brothers as I later found out, that a man should have as much sex with as many women as possible. He probably didn't know about TG and thought I was gay.

I repressed my TG feelings for years filled with horrible depression and anxiety. Many times when I was away at conferences I would buy pantyhose without my wife knowing I was excited by women's lingerie. Wearing them always left me feeling ashamed and depressed ~ I'm sure from feeling ashamed as a kid.

Now I am 58 and have finally come out to my wife after a year of therapy. My wife was supportive at first, but now my marriage is rocky. I know now that I am a woman in a man's body, but culturally I was raised as a male. I know that if I transition I will end up alone, which may worsen my depression and I am worried about killing myself over it. So I have horrible gender dysphoria. It is a no win situation for me.

Anyway, to answer your question, I had desires to be a girl at a very young age, feelings that became repressed for the most part. Maybe if I was born at this more progressive time in history I could have gone on to transition at an early age.

I know that many of these posts go unread, especially long ones like this one, but I would love a response of any kind. Thanks!

Karen I did read all of it. I'm sorry that your marriage is getting more difficult, it happens a lot but couples therapy might help it survive.

If you do decide to start transitioning, I just want to let you know that it is never too late. We have a lot of transitioners over 50 and 60 here so it's very common.

Thank you Charlie Nicki! It means a lot to me that you read my post. I appreciate your compassion.

Maybe one day I will transition. Right now I am where I am ~

Thanks again

Did I know? Always?  no.  But I did know I wanted to wear womens clothes and that I looked at women and what they wore and how they lived differently than most men did. At an early age of 6 I felt right when I wore womens clothing in private or for dress up.  It manifested itself as an uneasiness, an unhappiness that I hid, and as a fetish, until I was 56 and then it came screeching to light and I was sure it was who I have always been.  I tried to not believe it and tried to pray it away, but knew from that one moment that it was true.  I also knew it was right when my wife said she had seen me be happier than I have ever been! 

Love and Hugs, Marcie

I knew, but i put it out of mind until a crisis point in my life.
Society knew
I got called  "fag" so much as a child I thought it was my name.
So I was effeminate
My mom busted me trying on her clothes when I was about 4
When I was 10 or 11 I heard about Christine Jorgunson and went to library to research
The old lady librarian lady caught me in the stacks reading homosexual books
After I had learned that rhe procedure was rare and super expensive I gave up hope.
Plus although I appreciate good looking males, I was more interested in women
I had one gf in particular who was a soul mate, but her parents were opposed
Having any level of African blood can greatly complicate your life
In my 30s, in a stressful doctoral prrogram and an abusive wife (i was mean to her too)
In the 90s information became available: i read RuPaul's book
When my marriage failed I changed and i was alone and steamed forth


KarenK your situation is tough.  Your wife no longer sees you as a protector and what a terrible shock for her.  But you also need to be true to yourself.   In these kinds of situations it's so difficult.  You may not end up alone.  One thing I've learned is that being lgbt sometimes gives us more options to find love.  I think for us genitals are just some flesh-the person attached means a bit more.  I have a husband now, but had preferred women before.  As Ben Franklin said, "nothing in li&e is certain besides death and taxes."  Hugs.

Quote from: karenk1959 on April 03, 2018, 11:37:18 AM
I know that many of these posts go unread, especially long ones like this one, but I would love a response of any kind. Thanks!

I did read your post too,  ;)! And I will agree with others: it doesn't necessarily mean you'll end up alone! You are just starting your life  :). For most of us, transition makes our life A LOT better!!!!! In so many ways you're not able to comprehend right now. After sucking it up for so long you've succumbed to your life as is. Making a change can feel terrifying! But this is your life. You now have the chance to add the last piece of the puzzle now that you found it,  ;). Only then you will be able to see the whole picture!

1) It doesn't necessarily mean your marriage will end even if it is rocky now.

2) Even if it did, that does not mean you'll end up alone. Any change is a possibility for a new beginning. There are people here who transitioned at their 50s and 60s and have found a new partner.

Now it is time to practice some healthy selfishness and make those necessary changes so that you'll get the best out of your own life! If all the people around you are not for it, you will find other ones who will replace them. This is like any other turning point in your life  :): some people stop being friends at some point so that new (as good or better) ones can pour into your life! Start building a strong support network so you will not be left alone if things get tough.

Quote from: Shambles on March 30, 2018, 02:51:25 PM
I may not have had a name for it and didnt want to acept it for 35 years but i always knew something was there

After thinking about this topic some more i think i probily knew i was trans by my teens, before that was just i was different. Difference is i couldnt bring myself to acept it, too ashamed, embarised and in denial. I continued to do what was expected of me for 20 years until i broke and couldnt take it anymore

Hello, bumping an older topic here.....

  No I did not know I was trans (pretty common narrative), I was definitely different and struggled socially from a young age at school, and was simply lucky to have finished school at all (expelled, special classes, bullied). I was taken to many counselors back in the 60's none of them mentioned anything to me about gender. I hid my dressing and had stashes of my sisters clothes. Got up the courage to buy my first lingerie items when I was 20, I can recall the "rush of adrenaline" of leaving the store with the girlie goods in hand ! I planned those trips to the mall in detail, which door I would use, and what I would say to the clerks as I purchased, I was fooling no one, they knew it was for me.... Told my wife about my leanings before we were married in 1984, she thought it was odd, but we would go shopping together for things, she knew me best. Finally in 2010 my daily functioning was degrading, and asked myself "why ?", and got professional help, it was then in therapy I accepted myself as trans in 2010, best thing I ever did for myself was coming out to myself.

Cynthia -

Yes, I always knew but ages ago in my childhood and adeloszenz was no such word for things like this. The internet did not exist too........

Well so I must say I always knew what I am just with out knowing the exact word.

I just hoping you guys understand what I am trying to explain.

I kind of knew and didn't know, if that makes any sense.  I know I was wearing some of my mom's stuff like a girdle and stockings under my clothes when I was a pretty young kid, though I don't remember how young.  By very early teen years for sure.  I learned the term transvestite as a young age and anytime I ran across that it piqued my interest mightily. I recall flipping through Myra Breckinridge in a bookstore just eating up the photos of Raquel Welch's character, or reading what "wisdom" Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex had to impart on the subject.  (Spoiler alert: Not much!)  So I knew at a pretty young age.  But the good girl in me tried hard to be a good boy.  I had tremendous cognitive dissonance.  I was always going to outgrow it or it was just a fantasy, or, or........ There was always some reason it wasn't a permanent part of me, even after cross-dressing dozens of times and going through multiple purges. I *still* wrestle with this.  "Oh, it's too late, you're too old.  Oh, you're not that dysphoric.  You don't want to hang yourself or anything. Oh, you have to give up more than you would gain."   And so forth.  I guess there is a big difference between knowing and accepting.

Yes, hence reason for why never been married, never had children and was never interesting in
any sexual relationship with anybody until recently met my boyfriend, who loves me for who i am and not what i am. x

Yeah I always knew but it was easy to hide.  I was attracted to women and I didn't act effeminately.  I knew how to act so that most people liked me.  Not as good as it sounds.  Being liked was the most important thing to me because of my own insecurities - I knew how to do it well.

I thought my sexual fantasies about being female and dressing when I could was all I could do.  Having a 'sex change' as it used to be called seemed hopeless for me.  I am 6 2 and built like a guy.  I thought I would look ridiculous.

Maybe I do but I did it anyway.

I didn't experience gender dysphoria until I was 10 or 11. Even still I can't say I "knew" because the concept of being transgender had not been introduced to me and I just thought that there was something wrong with me in particular and that I was a freak.

I remember vividly events back then... Preferring friendship with girls instead of boys (even though I made friends with some boys, thanks to being into video games), associating myself with groups of girls instead (there was one 'sleepover' we had at church, and I spent a lot of time with the girls instead of the boys). And then learning about puberty and seeing what girls are going to go through and me thinking "Huh? Shouldn't that be what I'm experiencing? Something's wrong..." And like many others have mentioned in this topic, I was bullied. I don't remember really expressing my feminine side much, but the bullies would not relent, constantly calling me 'gay' all of the time. (Which I always wondered "What would be so bad about being gay, anyway?).

I prayed all of the time, I prayed that things would be changed so I had been born a woman, or that I'd become one now. I did this so fervently and with such a high degree of distress that even though my belief in God was a mere product of being raised that way and not my own belief really, I just believed that my prayers would have to be answered and was destroyed every time they weren't.

It wouldn't be for a few years until I knew that being transgender was actually a thing.

Quote from: KimOct on March 19, 2019, 08:05:46 PM
I was attracted to women and I didn't act effeminately.  I knew how to act so that most people liked me.  Not as good as it sounds.  Being liked was the most important thing to me because of my own insecurities - I knew how to do it well.

I so get this above @KimOct and you say it very well. I felt like I was play acting for the situation, I was adept in learning what worked, I was also very insecure inside. This lead to such empty feelings inside later in life, because most everything seemed contrived for others, and not authentic, I was setting myself up for a big crash later in life (hindsight is so clear).

I experienced deep depression and anxiety, and confusion, transsexualism was the underlying issue all along and I was blinded by it, partly my own doing, partly my socialization and life's circumstances of the time.

C -

Transitioning later in life is truly bittersweet.  To finally shed all of the BS we have carried is wonderful but having lived that way is sad. 

The good part is that we are finally living our truth.  Most transgender people take this secret to their grave.  That is the saddest path of all.  I nearly did. 

I had a serious heart attack at a young age called a widow maker 14 years ago. 7% of people survive that type of heart attack.  If I was one of the 93% I would have taken it to my grave.  No matter what happens from here at least I came out of the shadows and for that I am thankful.

Quote from: KimOct on March 20, 2019, 08:31:16 PM
The good part is that we are finally living our truth.  Most transgender people take this secret to their grave.  That is the saddest path of all.

Oh yes, how very true!
I know exactly what you are talking about, I was in a kind of a similar situation.
So I am very happy and glad for you too, it is a wonderful pleasure to be our selfs.
We really have to this.

I may or may not be wrong, but I'm pretty sure this is about semantics and semantics screwed me up, entirely.

Let's just say that if the me of 1983 had been 10 years old today, I would've transitioned several years ago.  Times were different.  The me of 2000-2002 did not identify with the statement "man trapped in a woman's body" and I let my first gender therapist know in 2003.  It may be my own perfectionism and my own ability to see my body as what it is (I've always been a weakling, but I still have a typically male structure).  As a child, I, like others, prayed that I would magically change into a girl the next morning and was always disappointed when I didn't wake up with a new body.  The earliest evidence of what I would turn out to be was told to me by my mom's sister after I came out.  She told me that I used to go through visitors' luggage when they visited my parents' house and I would always pull out women's and girls' underwear...I was 3 years old, she told me.  She only mentioned underwear, so I don't know if other articles were involved (stockings, skirts, etc.).  I'm pretty sure I didn't have a sexual fetish at 3 years old.

Later, it did scare the hell out of me that after I reached puberty I did get aroused when I wore women's lingerie.  By what I'd read in just about everyone's stories online (once it became a thing), it seemed the gatekeepers kept a watchful eye on such things and people that did feel arousal were automatically labeled transvestites (DSM-IV 302.3).  I came to realize later that these feelings derived from my desire to be seen as a woman in every respect and as a highly sexual (read: horny) teenager and young adult, that extended to me wanting to be seen as a woman to my partner, as well.  I do know that I snuck into my mom's and cousins' clothing from an early age and even snuck out of my house late, late, late at night once as about a 10-year-old in my mom's culottes and blouse and probably hose and walked several blocks around my neighborhood.  I was, of course, embarrassed, but I was happy at the same time.

Semantics.  No, I didn't know I trans because I didn't know the word.  I didn't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, but I did know that I should have been born a natal female.  All I'd heard was ridicule of >-bleeped-<s and fags and all from an early age, so, yeah...I waited until after I'd already married and the Internet was invented to start researching this and waited even longer to transition until I was 29 (earlier than a lot of people at the time, and for that I can only thank the invention of the Internet and earlier pioneers that were braver than I could ever have been to do so without the resources I had).  So yes, if I were ten years old today, I would already be living my authentic life.  Well, I'm almost there again after purging for a couple/three years or so, but I damn sure would have a different body structure and wouldn't need to practice my stupid voice!

(Sorry, another long post.  I did read and was ready to respond to the poster earlier, but they appear not to be here anymore.  I hope, for their sake, that it's not for the same reasons I told a local gender clinic before I transitioned that I would not give them a reason for canceling my appointment as I was too embarrassed that I was going back in the closet).

I always new I was a girl!!! I guess  they finally put a name to who I am and what I am. But I am a 57yr. old woman who missed her life.

Yes, since I was 3, which according to the newest science is a normal age to start having feelings of gender dysphoria if you are trans. Did not come out at all until I was 24.

I never knew until later in life.  I had to work to hard to pretend being a male (which is not that easy with a mostly female looking body), and I had no chance of thinking about anything else.  And I continued trying to be male until it did not work anymore, and I switched into the gender I was supposed to be, and that fit to my body way better!

Yes I always knew, although the concept 'trans' did not exist when I was young and in my part of the world.
I knew of people dressing as the other gender though but that was mostly in foreign parts of the world.

I was raised in a conservative society but my parents weren't forcing me to be feminine.
I was called tomboy but I knew I was a boy not somewhat. It didn't really bother me until puberty and I wasn't allowed to run around topless anymore. When the genders start to really be segregated and all the other boys were herded away. I became very dysphoric then both socially and from the changes that puberty brought. 

I was literally trapped in a female body, I started masturbation way ahead and to a much greater degree than the girls. I found some porn mags, (there was no internet in the olden days), and was very aroused by them. women are in general far less visually aroused than men.
I would have sexual dreams where I was a man pleasuring myself and then wake up to discover that I didn't have a penis. It was very challenging. 

I saw myself as a man and stopped looking in the mirror because the person looking back was a stranger, it wasn't me.
I have finally started looking in the mirror now that the changes are becoming apparent and I really like what I see. 
I'm starting to see me. I get aroused by it, and I often got aroused by dressing as a man or imagining myself as a man in the past. I really enjoy the new growth and increased libido.

It has obviously caused me depression and anxiety etc. I attempted suicide and I was diagnosed in the nineties as having 'confused gender identity'.
In those days it was considered a delusion and a symptom of psychosis and it was treated accordingly.

I have always lived as a man, a gay man. I'm only attracted to men. I have had a male partner for 25 years who has now left me, we grew apart. ;)
I was the provider, he stayed at home with the kids and cooked and such. we agreed on this from the start. All my friends and family have always seen me as a very masculine female. I'm tall and strong and do men's type of jobs.

When I finally managed to get up the nerve to go to a gender doc he said I was "easy to diagnose". I was on hormones within 2 weeks and I feel so much better.

I'm now consistently passing, and regular service like the train station coffee vendor has switched to calling me 'sir' without being asked. They know me and my order, one day they simply started calling me sir rather than madam.

I was frequently passing before without trying. After T started to correct my appearance; people are finding it difficult to refer to me as a female. Now when I'm correcting gender markers they talk about the account owner in the third person because they can't associate it with the man standing in front of them or speaking on the phone.

My voice has dropped to male levels already and is filling out with resonance. I'm starting to hear myself.

Yes, I always knew I was male and it has been very difficult to be treated as a female and to occupy female spaces throughout all these years.

I wanted to be a girl since I was little, but I didn't know what transgender was (not sure transgender was a term back then!) and it seemed so strange I never told anyone. The feelings stayed with me while I was a teenager, and when I was in college I learned via Usenet boards that other people felt the way I did. That's when I knew.

I am pretty sure that I knew, but it didn't become obvious until puberty. That is when society's expectations came crashing down.

Nope. I was duuuumb.

I mean to be fair I was raised pretty gender neutral and never really forced to dress or act in a "certain way" which likely delayed or masked any real dysphoria I had.

Sure I struggled socially but I just assumed I was extremely awkward.

A lot of my childhood awkwardness and inability to figure out how I was supposed to act in groups of girls was easier explained with "I'm autistic" "i'm dyspraxic" "i'm demisexual"
I mean of COURSE i didn't get it! I didn't understand social interaction so well due to my brain wiring and I didn't experience primary sexual attraction so...

Of course back then i didn't KNOW I was these things either. I didn't figure out I was probably autistic till I had my first child and he started to display traits and I thought "but... his traits are much like mine.. oh.. OH... "
I didn't work out I was panromantic till I was 17 and demisexual till I was in my 20s. Looking back it's bloody obvious but as a kid I just didn't think about it. I assumed my friends were the wierd ones! lol

I was always a tomboy but of course that's socially acceptable isn't it? Especially in the 90s when I was a kid.
It wasn't considered that wierd for me to be into typically boyish things or prefer media aimed at young boys more than stuff aimed at girls (I always vastly preferred transformers and TMNT and HeMan to MLP and Carebears and similar)

Heck, I was actively encouraged to persue my interest in paleontology and geology, my father encouraged me to build things and induldged my love for trains and dinosaurs and such absolutely.
even my grandparents had zero problem with all this.

It was never seen as unusual or abnormal and I think that really does make it somehow harder for a AFAB to work this stuff out. Because culturally it's OK for a girl to dress and act boyish we're not discouraged from it, so we don't experience that same level of dysporic trauma.

The only real trauma I recall from childhood was puberty, which was extremely traumatic. But I mean, I assumed puberty was traumatic for everyone. I was also only 10 and didn't want to grow up. I didn't want to be a woman, I wanted to be a kid!
I mean looking back, I just remember being horrified and embarrassed, humiliated by what my body was changing into and wanting to hide it as much as possible.
I felt like a freak.

It took years for my mother to convince me to even wear a bra. I wanted nothing to do with them.

Apparently puberty isn't supposed to be THAT traumatising. I never knew.

and that's the thing. For me I never realised things weren't right regarding gender because I had a lot of other stuff going on that explained away those symptoms.
Growing up as an undiagnosed autistic who was actively punished for being autistic rather took over.

I assumed ALL tomboys liked being told they were "such a boy"

I used to "joke" that I was a boy's brain in a girl's body without realising quite what that actually meant for me.
I assumed because I didn't have "I want to cut my boobs off with a kitchen knife" level dysphoria that I couldn't have any dysphoria.

I now realise I was wrong.

So no... I had no idea. I hadn't admitted it to myself but as husband pointed out today "man, how did neither of us see it? All those times you expressed a wish for a penis, would say if id have been a boy, would lament about your body shape or refer to yourself as a boy"
And he's right. I've been referring to myself as a guy in the wrong body for decades!

I'm just really fricken stupid and didn't acknowledge that it meant something.

As all the pieces click into place I go "well DUH? Damnit, why didn't I notice that?"

I suppose our own minds are the very best at lying to us though aren't they?
And certainly as a kid the idea I could be anything other than me was just never a consideration. Never even occured to me as anything but a pleasant little fantasy.

It's funny because I didn't realise how dysphoric I actually was about my breasts till I put a sports bra on and squished em away. I looked at my reflection sans breasts and the emotion that overcame me. I mean I felt giddy.
I never noticed before, because they were just "there", something I just shoved in a bra and accepted.

It's so weird to think that for so so long I just... got on with it, going through the motions because I didn't realise I had any other choice.

I'm sort of annoyed at myself that I didn't realise sooner. I feel like.. super unobservant but I suppose just... other things were getting in the way.

There's a certain... liberation in finally realising. Like my eyes are finally open to my true self.
that I lived 33 years wearing a costume is sad, but at least i've started the steps in understanding myself better and finally hatching from the cocoon i've been trapped in all this time.
Like the butterflies I used to raise as a child, I need to sit for a while, drying my wings before I take off into my new life.

At at a critical point in my life. I nearly died last year, this year i'm finally taking control of my sense of self. No more "Oh I can't do that, it's not 'normal'", all those things i've always lamented about wishing I could do I feel more like I can finally actually DO.
And all because I no longer feel like I have to wear this mask. I don't have to conform!

Dude!  I've always wondered about that and even mentioned something about it being almost impossible for a woman to "crossdress" in our society in my coming out letter to my family.  I can imaging how your dysphoria might have disguised itself in your other, undiagnosed issues.  TBH, I feel like you were lucky in a way, but I can also see how you feel cheated or unlucky to not have realized for so long who you really were.

And, if boys were given the same freedoms of expression when I was growing up a decade earlier than you, I may not have realized for much longer.  In a way, I guess my torture was a blessing in that respect in that I could clearly see who I was, but I didn't feel I had any hope of reaching that goal until life became just too much for me in my late 20s and transitioned at 29.  I mean, I kept that secret from everyone until I broke down one night getting ready for bed with my wife.  I cried for the first time in I-don't-know-how-many years.  I couldn't take living vicariously through her anymore.

Thank you for giving your perspective from the opposite end of our spectrum.  I can see both how lucky you were to be "just you" and how you can see it as a pitfall for your own discovery.

Either way, congratulations on your realization!

Is your husband supportive?  I hope so. :)

As I was finishing my stupidly spicy curry this evening I realised another thing.

Competative "I can do that! I'm just as man as you!" behaviour.

See, women are generally competetive in a very subtle manner. "well MY party will be even better" "My wedding will be more spectacular" "my dress will be the best"
while guys are more "I can eat this super hot curry! Yeah well I can eat this hotter one!" and "I can do a backflip off this wall!"

And this explains completely why I do certain things.

All my life I admit i've found this perverse pleasure in doing something that's specifically "not feminine" or more importantly "very masculine"
I've always felt this NEED to compete in the "more man than you" social contests, enjoying coming out on top when I did.
I enjoyed the looks of amazement as this teensy tiny little girl ate the chillis or chugged the pint in one or ate the monkey brain. I LOVED subverting the expectation. I can lift this heavy weight even if it screws up my back! I can build this shelf! I can fix this! I can I can I can! How dare you tell me I can't!

It made me HAPPY to be told "oh man, you're SUCH a boy!" or "well you're more man than I am"

and i said to husband "oh my.. this is why I eat wierd things isn't it!" and you know, it is. I wanted to eat crickets because it was "gross" and wasn't something most people would try. It made me feel macho lol. it's all about freaking machoness!
I was happy to try wierd things on menus because they were weird and everyone else at the table went "eewwwww you can't possibly eat that!"
and that right there? that's masculine competative behaviour, a contest that may only exist in my own brain but a contest I MUST WIN anyway.

I gotta be the alpha, gotta impress the ladies, gotta win by beating all the other dudes.

and omg that's hilarious.

Husband even admitted he does it too, he can't help it and he knows it's stupid  but he feels this NEED to compete with stuff that doesn't even matter.

Oh man.

Only time that doesn't happen is sport, but I hate sport so... I've never felt that male "gotta pretend I care about football and blag my way through it so the other guys don't realise I don't actually like it" thing. I always thought it was hilarious and kinda sad.

But I realise i've been doing that exact thing with food and household chores and stuff!

And yes, thankfully husband is supportive. I'm not sure how he'll feel if I start taking T but i'm hoping we'll be okay because I do love him very much and am very lucky to have him.
One good thing that's come of all this from his side is that it's encouraged him to start to induldge his "guilty pleasures" a little bit more. He's building up the courage to wear clothes he WANTS to wear rather than feels he should, much like I am. We're both finding ourselves at long last.
it's rather wonderful.

and yeah, I can't even cross dress right now and I have no boobs and hairy legs! But I still get "m'am" argh.

It's my hair I think. It's still too girly. Must.. chop..  hair...

But then I feel bad because I only just got my hair cut! lol. Feels like a waste of money.

I didn't understand how to properly define what I was, but knew from a young age that I was different both physically and mentally from others.  And people often gave me subtle and not so subtle cues to be more manly.  The overall thinking on the issue at the time was quite warped, and not discussed, so I had very little by way of a reference base.

I always knew I wanted to be female, yes.
I have a twin sister so got regularly exposed to the female body at bath time, we used to lay side by side and head2toe in the bath and I'd lay the wash cloth over my pelvis like a skirt, lol...

My mum had trans friends in her 20's and I was surprised to learn that she had met Carlotta and spoke with her on a few occasions - so when she had my sister and I she always knew I was different, and as soon as I could talk she figured me out. I'm lucky that I have photographic and videographic proof of a lot of those trans quirks that toddlers and young children often express (I have baby photo's that I can put on display in my home which wouldn't draw attention to my trans status at all). Mum has always been very open when it comes to the LGBTIQ, so while most parents would scold their child and avoid photographs of that nature, mum didn't care.

She'd buy me dolls and allowed me to be who I was, she wasn't going to intervene though, so she waited until I was 17 and told her - she never played puppetmaster with my identity to hasten things.. She trusted that I would find it myself.

My sister and I played with our Bratz at school and I was always in the dress up trunk at after school care. At my first school this resulted in me being pelted by rocks from boys in my class.. My second school was aware of that incident and I guess they didn't want to tempt my mothers fury if something like that happened there as-well, even after I punched a girl in my 5th grade class for pulling the head off my Bratz mini Chloe (the one with the cow print skirt). I was only given detention.. Shocking I know....

My mothers third husband thought he knew best when it came to my identity and sat me down and said it was okay that I was gay... Mum told me later she never wanted to have discussions like that with me because she didn't want to confuse me. I lived as a "gay" boy (I never reached manhood) until transition at 18, it's awkward online dating and telling people not to look at it, mention it, touch it or even ask about it! That part of my body was always off limits... I remain a virgin to this day.

While I knew I wanted to be a girl and I prayed for it at night, I didn't know that transsexuals existed, or that such a surgery existed until I was 17 and a co-worker suggested it ignorantly because I was trying on one of the other girls heels. When my step father spoke to me he said it's all because I was gay, so I put it away in a neat little box and assumed he must be right - adults are always right  ???

No, I had no clue. The first idea like that appeared to me in middle school. That it could be about me. But I couldn't be trans, could I? Transgender = said in kindergarten that they were of the opposite sex. I didn't. It somehow didn't cross my mind at that age. So I thought I was something different and identified as non-binary until I realised in college that oh my, I am a man.

Oh no!  Not that old rag again ::).  Did I "always know?"  Of course not.  I make light of it, but it is of great import to me in this day and time.

To be sure, what I did know, was that I was a person.  Not really identifying as one gender, or sexual preference, or even as queer, I was more bent on survival...the wicked step mother syndrome applid to my sister and I (I was 3 when she showed up and she remains in our lives to this day albiet we keep her at a distance.  We aren't mean to her, after all she is not but a little old lady now.  Return cruelty was never an option given that we love our father dearly). 

Yes, I always wanted to be like my sister.  I adored her pretty clothes and her friends and her toys.  But was it a conscious gender identity issue?  No, I don't think so.  Although, if I think about it hard enough I waver in my certainty.

I wore sis's cast off clothes in the late 60's and early 70's, those that would fit me and that remained servicable, that is to say.  My step mother would give them to me as summer or play clothes for the most part.  Occasionally a really nice item made it's way to my closet. She is two years older than I, my sister.  So as a child her clothes could be mine for a bit.  No dresses or under garments or sleepwear, I particlarly remember a blue knit sleeveless top with the zipper in the back and a pair of long shorts with side zipper...and a pair of shoes.  This was when I was 10-13.  I was jealous that my chest did not fill out the knit top as well as hers.  Not really a sexual thing, just a pretty appearnace that I didn't have. I'd sneak girls underwear when I could, and sanitary pads to go with them; certainly not an obsession.  I longed for plain white cotton panties rather than the boxers and briefs that bunched up so uncomfortably.  I certainly didn't dare to ask for femminine garments of any type.  Although in hindsight, I would have asked had the wicked stepmother not been a control freak.  We'll maybe adress the abusive parent in another post?  Is there a thread for that?

But you have to remember put this all in context, my sister and I were clamped down, both of us etremely naive.  We didn't understand the economics of a lower lower middle class household budget.  Even through puberty, sex or gender was not really an issue to us.  My stars!  We only had a TV (black and white) through the summers of '68 through '70, basically while Dad ws in 'Nam.  My over protective step mother saw to it that we had no interaction with other than relatives and church, she greatly influenced the information we were exposed to.  My dad is a sweetheart and always has been.  He recognized that he needed a caretaker for his children.  I don't think I've  said, but my dad was an Army Sargeant.  During my young days we spent 6 years stationed in Germany, living in the military dependents communities. 

I didn't question my gender.  I did as I was told, I wore what I had. Of course I presented as a boy, even if i was picked on and bullied for my submissive nature.  I found myself in school days being very much a loner since my sister was my best friend and we had not a chance of extra cirricular friendships. Puberty wasn't especially trying, but I definately noticed girls... not in an obsesive way, but envious in the choice in garments they had and in the way they were treated.  I REALLY hated the agressive and domineering of other boys.  Interactions with others in high school...

I've got to go now.  I'll pick up the tale later if I get a positive response.  If you want me to shut it.... I can do that too.

-Richelle

Middle and high school were odd. Inside my mind I was baffled why I look different than most guys. But I was not trans according to my sources, because I didn't come out as a toddler   ::)