Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have been married for 32 years. I am now 58. I suffer from tremendous gender dysphoria. Even though I have told her I don't want to transition, my wife has trouble with me feeling like a woman in a man's body. But, she can't know the pain and suffering I have had all my life from being TG, something I finally discovered at age 56. So here's my story ~

I blocked out a lot of my childhood ~ too emotionally traumatic. When I was 4 or 5, I had fantasies about going to a ballet class in a leotard and tights and having the other girls not recognize me as a boy. I played with a girl across the street. I only remember playing with her dolls, but since I only have two older brothers, I must of played dress up with her, likely wearing her dance class clothes since I knew about ballet class, but I don't remember. Then one day, my Mom told my girlfriend's mom that I will no longer be playing because boys don't play with girls. I only remember feeling very embarrassed and ashamed.

During puberty, and maybe earlier, I dressed in my mom's underwear in secret a lot. I don't know if I just didn't put things back neatly, I stretched out my mom's hose or I got caught, but I think they knew since throughout puberty and my teen years my father would constantly tell me, and not my brothers as I later found out, that a man should have as much sex with as many women as possible. He probably didn't know about TG and thought I was gay.

Due to repression of TG feelings, I had severe anxiety and depression and horrible OCD from an early age. I took overdoses of Valium on several occasions in my late teens. Before I knew the cause of my depression I had ECT which of course doesn't cure gender dysphoria. I think about killing myself often.

I repressed my TG feelings for years. Many times when I was away at conferences I would buy pantyhose without my wife knowing I was excited by women's lingerie. Wearing them always left me feeling ashamed and depressed ~ I'm sure from feeling ashamed as a kid.

Now I am 58 and have finally come out to my wife after a year of therapy. My wife was supportive at first, but now my marriage is rocky. She accepted me shaving my body and wearing panties, pantyhose and bras under my clothes for a while, but soon realized that she didn't want to be married to a TG, even if I wasn't going to transition. She told me if she knew that I was TG she wouldn't have even dated me. I know that if I transition I will end up alone, losing my wife, disturbing relationships with my kids, and losing all my relationships with my friends. I hate that I am TG ~ don't want any part of it, but I can't get away from wanting to be a woman. I worry that being alone as a TG woman will worsen my already horrible depression and I am worried that I will kill myself. So I chose the best of two evils for me and have horrible gender dysphoria. It is a no win situation for me.

However you chose to react to your significant other being a TG woman, especially one that isn't transitioning to stay with a wife they love, please have compassion. They need to know that they are not alone and you understand that they have pain and suffering from gender dysphoria. I am a woman in a man's body, but I am also a person, not a freak.

I am dealing with something very similar, and it is very rough at times. 

I am taking my transition one layer at a time, and using this approach to buy time and hope I find a happy place.

My wife has a therapist now and it is helping her express her feelings.   It is helping us be more patient and keep discussion happening.   She has gone from from supportive in the beginning to stressed and edgy with me...to being rude at times.   I am working hard to remind myself that she is going through this too.

We are also looking for a couples councellor to help us keep communication and discussion happening.   


Good luck and be kind to yourself.   

Hi Karen

Thanks for this. I remember you replying to my first few posts on here, you were one of the very few people who sympathised with the SO point of view. Sorry to hear you are suffering so much. I really hope your wife and you can find a way through this.

I too was of the 'I can't be with a woman' way of thinking at first, and still am up to a point, but I am slowly becoming more accepting. Like you, my partner will not risk losing me by transitioning, and I know this is hurting him, and I'm trying to work my way through it. Our sex life has improved dramatically - it's different now, but really good, which has taken us both by surprise.

I don't think my partner suffers from dysphoria as badly as you do, or had as much trauma in his life. He only came to the TG conclusion about 3 or 4 years ago and he is 62 now. He says he doesn't even think he has dysphoria - being male doesn't distress him, just he would prefer to be female. It's possible that he will just carry on the way he is (and he doesn't use female pronouns or even have a femme name), or he may want to take things further, but at the moment we are taking things very slowly.

Your post does bring it home to me that I really don't have the right to 'forbid' him from doing anything. It would be cruel and unfair if I did the 'if you transition I will leave you' thing (which was my initial stance, but I realise now I just can't do that). I still don't know if I could stay with him if he transitions, but I will certainly try to. That's the best I can do. So for him, and me, going further (ie hormones) is a huge risk that neither of us wants to take at the moment.

Wishing you both lots of love and strength.

Karen 0366 and Sylvia,

Thank you for your responses! There are probably many out there with a similar situation. I think there are also men out there that are either TG or non-binary and repress those feelings. I have a friend who in passing conversation mentioned to me, my wife and his wife that he is jealous of women that can wear short skirts in the summer.

I too am jealous of other women and would love to look like them and dress like them. I often have strong urges to buy and wear panties, pantyhose and a bra under my clothes, but instead deal with the dysphoria to honor my wife's wishes. It is so hard for me and I don't know what I will do in the future. It honestly is a no win situation that I wish I wasn't in.

I can understand how your wife is feeling. I'm somewhat in the same position.

I'm sure she understands that this isn't something you can control. I really want my spouse to do what's best for him. I think it's a terrible thing to not be able to be your authentic self.

That said, your wife has to figure out what her boundaries are just as you have to figure out what your boundaries are. Like, it's really hard to put your sole happiness and life on the shoulders of your wife. As someone who has lived with anxiety and depression because you couldn't be yourself, I'm sure you can relate.

I am moving this thread to the Transition/coming out area, significant others are free to participate there if they wish. The Significant Other's forum was not the appropriate place for this topic.