Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Some of us know when we are infants and some of us only realise later.

So a simple question for those of us like me that "always knew".

Perhaps not unexpectedly, I told someone I wished to be a girl - I chose my grandmother as I was really close to her.

I prayed to God that I would be turned into a girl.

Thirdly I believed perhaps from age 4 to age 12 that there must be four groups: boys who wished to boys, girls who wished to be girls, boys who wished to be girls and girls who wished to be boys. I was right but I truly also believed there must be around a quarter of all people in each group! I am not joking. Could anyone really be so naïve? Could anyone really be so pessimistic?

What were your first thoughts/actions if you "always knew" please?

Thanking you

Pamela

Well I knew I didn't ever fit with boys and certainly didn't want to be one but I don't think I twigged that I was meant to be a girl until I was 11 and it sort of clicked that I had boy parts. My first reaction was to panic and then to squash the feeling down as far as I could and pretend it wasn't happening. In hindsight not such a good idea. I spent most of my teenage years praying and hoping I would turn into a pretty young girl and then I could join into the world how I'm meant to be. I think this basically caused me to disconnect from the world and spend my life living in my head.

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I just always knew something was very wrong with me. I didn't have long hair but it was around puberty that I started to feel like I wanted to be a girl. I didn't know what it meant or what being transgender was. I just thought I'm gay with feminine needs. I hated the idea of looking and being masculine. I didn't want muscles and I wasn't happy with the squareness of my body. I thought I was just different and like @Mollypants I was living in my head. Oh another big thing is in movies or games I always imagined being the female. I thought I was weird and shouldn't tell anyone.

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Well, after trying on moms shoes, I was told boys don't do that. Then the secret dressing began.


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My earliest memories I knew I should have been s girl. I also somehow knew that I shouldn't tell anyone about it, but my actions couldn't have been missed. Looking back at pictures, two stick out to me. The first one I am holding a baby doll in my arms at age three with this loving look on my face. The second is at age five. My sister is holding a new present, a Barbie, and I look longingly with excitement. I snuck into her room more than once to play with her Barbies. I remember around five locking myself in the bathroom to try on my sister's panties, wishing my underwear was just as cute.

I wished and prayed with a child's faith and innocence to become a girl, that led me to around age 12 or 13 when I put a knife up to my penis on multiple occasions wishing that I could have the courage to let it slip, but I never did, thank goodness!

The turmoil and dysphoria was awful! I wish I had the courage at the time to tell my Mom, but my Dad scarred the crap out of me. He held very rigid and traditional views on gender roles. I had four sister's, and each Valentine's day he would get my sister's something, but I would get nothing, because I was a boy. One year my Mom finally started getting me something. I could list other examples, but don't want to bore you.

I thought that I was the only person who was born with the wrong body until my late teens. If I had just been born 5 to ten years later, the internet would have been a great help to me figuring out that I wasn't alone.


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What I actively remember was from around the age of 10, praying I'd wake up as a girl, which eventually led into weird OCD superstitious rituals (if I do such and such totally nonsensical thing, maybe it will turn me into a girl). And when I say weird, I mean really, really weird to the point I am never going to type them out or speak them aloud even in therapy.

When I was about 7-8 or so. I remember trying to hide my boy parts from myself in the shower.
And shortly thereafter I got busted by my aunt trying on her clothes at my grandmas house.
After that, my mom divorced (not about me) and she and my new step dad tried to beat and pray the girl out of me (still have physical scars) . It worked. For a while till I ran away from home. Then it all started (the search) at about 16 .
wow...dug up some memories....
TY for posting this one !
J

I vividly remember, sometime when walking home from elementary school, throwing myself face-down on the lawn in some stranger's front yard, and praying and praying for God to make me a girl. Back when my mom made me say bedtime prayers, they always ended with that silent wish. And any time there was an opportunity to make a wish - blowing out birthday cake candles, wishing wells, coins in a fountain, first star of the night, falling stars, anything - that was always, always my wish. I'd wake up with a vivid dream in my head that it'd come true, then realize nothing had changed. The sadness colored my entire world for 50 years.

I was forced to wear a buzz-cut while I watched my mom brush out my sister's long dark hair. Realize that this was the sixties, when everyone had long hair. I was the freak then for so many reasons, and never fit in with anyone.

I'm bringing myself down now, so I'll stop. At least I'm finally addressing it. Better late than never.


- Stephanie

It's funny that the experiences I had as a young child relating to wanting to be a boy were ones I didn't realize were that until I was much older and questioning my gender, and I just thought 'that explains a lot!'

I did grow up with two younger brothers, but these instances happened before my younger brother was born.  I remember distinctly, when I was around 4-5, stuffing socks in my underwear to create a bulge in private, thinking that I shouldn't be doing it, but it felt right.  I also was obsessed with trying to urinate standing up, and was more interested in 'boy' things than 'girl'.  Although I remember playing with Barbies a lot when I was younger, in a conversation with my mom yesterday, she recalls that whenever I would get a Barbie or a doll, I would play with it when I first got it, and then never touch it again, opting for stuffed animals, computer games, and my brothers' toys.

Funny how these things aren't usually thought much of until they become significant.

Thinking I was trans was not a consideration when I was growing up. We were either perverts or mental cases. Transgender was not even a term until the late 80's. I knew there was a reason I liked to play with the girls as I related more to their idea of fun than the boys. I began crossdressing at seven. Asking my Mom to dress me in my sisters costumes. Thus would begin the lie that has dominated my life. The secret that has caused depression, doubt, guilt,  I've always known but did not find out until two years ago, when I finally sought insight from a therapist. I had been in a breakdown and was treating everyone with contempt. I promised to seek help and for twenty months have been on HRT.  Coming out was the most important and freeing experience in my life. All the pent up self hatred, mistrust, fear have dissipated. My goal now is to see that future  generations do not have to suffer the pain I have endured. I am so happy for you all and I have to admit I admire your courage, commitment and enthusiasm. The kids are alright.

Very young....but did not know how boys or girls were supposed to feel.  I had 2 sisters and was closer to my mom. 

Played with dolls, and some boy things...fishing, driving and buildings things.  Drawn to my mom and sisters clothes, make up, etc.  Did not like playing boy sports or how aggressive they were.  Liked hanging out with the girls better.   Kept wondering what was wrong with me, was I gay...not that I knew what that was.

But, grew up in a white, rural and homophobic time....and learned to get attention by acting more masculine....and learning to hide my deeply sensitive and feminine side.   Learned to live vicariously through girls I liked.

To despise Nature and turn away from the world and other people.

Life just seems to be the ever-extending road away from that state. Unlearning all the twisted habits. Although sometimes I wonder if I'm moving away at all.

Due to the constant shaming, I had to overcompensate for my feminine ways. Any time I had to be around humans, I had to act like a boy. As soon as possible, I would get away from all the humans, and go off by myself, just so I could be myself.
I think my godparents knew. When I was 3, I got a pink kittycat stuffed toy for my birthday. One morning, it was just gone. I can guess who got rid of it.

I don't know first, there are not a bunch of memories under the age of eleven. I don't remember this at all but I found a lots of school paperwork mixed in with report cards, one was a letter from my teacher concerned because when she asked what we want to be when we grow up I said that I wanted to be a girl, and could they come in and discuss this with her.

I started puberty close to 13 I guess. Okay, so this is embarrassing. I knew, knew by then, not about trans, I didn't know anything about that in the early 80s, but that I was supposed to be a girl. Now this is NOT what made me the way that I am, from what I have been told I have always been this way, BUT... By that age I had been used by many boys and two men as a girl, when the boys were talking about masturbating I didn't understand why they did it the way they did. It wasn't for me at all, so I found a way that felt more right. That was probably my first conscious thing that I have done that I remember. I know gross right? Sorry.

Anyway, that was responsible for me telling my grandma what she already knew. She caught me and I expected her to be mad because I was masturbating, she was furious at HOW I was masturbating. The whole thing did not go over very well. I never understood how it was worse than finding the neighbor boy on top of me or what uncles had done to me, it was the same thing but I was doing it to myself. Sodomy is a sin, gay people go to hell. It's okay I am not gay, I am a girl. Not an argument she wanted to hear. So off to the loony bin they sent the little sinner.

Probably tmi, sorry. You did ask though.

Trans or transgender were not part of the language when I was a child in the early 50s.  My earliest recollection was of not understanding why gender was a big deal.  I had a clear sense that i would grow up to be a mom until that concept was disabused from my thinking by brutal realities we all know too much about.

My older and sister and brother seemed more concerned about "which side" i was on and we fed each other mimicked nonsense from the adult world we were best to be silent in.  Some of the more traditional nurturing roles such as cooking and child care were part of my early life as was a preference to read rather than play sports or wrestle with boys.  More than the roles was the sense of self as a girl that no one else could see until that part of me became a mere shadow and almost died. 

Now I am free and loving every minute of this reality.  Too many of us would do well to understand trauma informed care as our lives were so often a repressive and hurtful mess.  We can heal and we can live fully and truly as ourselves now.

As a very small child (3 to 5) I liked typically femme stuff (mermaid tails, blue on white porcelain tea sets, tea parties).
I also was confused by my body. I literally thought my junk would be absorbed back into my body at some point because that seemed most natural. What a disappointment. Data for trans being in the brain at birth? YES!

Namaste,

As early as six years old I knew something about me was different. I'm not really sure if I could be considered transgender or not. I know I'm intersexed. Yet growing up in the sixties transgender was unheard of and intersex was limited to issue's with genitals. I easily fit in being a boy when I was with boys. I also easily fit in when I was with girls. It was like there were two of me, the girl and the boy. In a blink of an eye I could switch genders and liked both. As I got older it became really confusing. I had a female body with male genitals. In my teens and early twenties I was bisexual. In my early thirties I began to take on more of a male appearance and started to get some facial hair. I was truly much happier living as my female self and when I started estrogen injections I started having monthly periods[emoji13]. Anyway, I truly believe that knowing we are different at such young ages is due to being in touch with our inner being, the essence of who we truly are.

Peace,
Jalene

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I have know I wanted to be a girl from a very young age and remember being around 5 years old watching my sister paint her nails and asking her to do mine as well which made me so excited. That was until my older brother came in the house and started calling me names and said boys don't do that (boy was he wrong).

Over the following years I remember thinking that maybe tomorrow would be the day I woke up as a girl, but that obviously never happened. During puberty I remember being extremely jealous of my female friends as they got to wear pretty dresses, heels and develop into women while I had to wear the same boring clothes and started to become hairy in all the wrong places.

The biggest thing to happen to me which I totally regret is while in my teems I started to secretly dress in my mums clothes while no one was around. I would take her makeup and keep it in my room not even thinking that she would miss it. Then one day I came home and she confronted me with the makeup she found it in my room. She straight out asked me if I like it and felt that I was a girl. I remember being so scared of getting in trouble that I said no and was just playing around and wouldn't do it again. If only I had said yes that day, maybe I would be a totally different person today.

From a very early age about 3 or 4 I used to tuck my male bits out the way because I didn't want it to be there.

I tried on my sister's clothes for the first time at about the age of 7, and I can still see myself in the mirror, I remember seeing the girl me, I was naturally fairly feminine, it triggered something profound in my mind, that was the start of a lifetime of cross dressing, at about the same time I would pray at bedtime to wake up a girl.

I hid all of this, it was the 1970's, I "knew" it was wrong and was unable to tell anyone how I felt, I think it was the start of becoming more withdrawn and shy.

My FIRST actions?  I think that may have been happily cooperating with the two slightly older girls (10-12 years old, perhaps) who wanted to dress me in their old things and do my makeup.   I was about 5-6, I think.  I have a strong memory of this event.

At age 6-7. I was in the second grade.  The teacher had the class (parochial school) pray silently for something, then went around the class asking what each student had prayed for.

"I want to be a girl."

*WHACK*  A yardstick across the wrist, for asking God to do something sinful.

That was when I learned to hide.

Gosh! So many replies in less than 24 hours; I wasn't expecting such a rapid response. Please keep them coming - I know you will of course!

I gave you my thoughts at the start. Now a couple of actions:

I liked playing tea sets with little girls and liked to play with them in a Wendy House and try old dresses on therein!

Thanking you for all your time and replies.

Pamela

Confusion! Frustration! Guilt! Shame!  My early thoughts, feelings, and experiences were very similar to many that have already been shared.  From clothing to toys to friends I tried to do everything I thought girls did, wore or liked vs. what I thought boys did, wore or liked.  But I didn't understand why I felt that way and tried so hard to hide it.   

My mom said when I was "little" I used to walk around wearing her red heels and carrying one of her purses all the time.  I kind of remember doing that but I'm not sure if it's because she told my wife about it a gazillion times or if I actually remeber.  My first real memory was when I was 4 just before starting kindergarten when my mom found me in her room one morning after church trying on her nylons.  I remember she called the rest of the family up to see me and they all just laughed.  I didn't understand why of course and felt bad and confused.  My mom was sweet about it and said she just didn't want me to ruin her good nylons.  I think she realized that I was "different" but just didn't know how to handle it or what to do about it at the time.

Over the years my family and living situation changed.  But those dreams and desires - the wish to "just wake up one morning and be a woman" never changed.  I found some relief through dressing as much as possible.  My mom was ALWAYS finding her things in my drawers and closet.  By the time I was 9 my mom put this small antique-looking chest in the hallway just past the stairs.  She was good a decorating and interior design and it really fit well there, however her motive was different.  She discretely filled it items she didn't want anymore - hosiery, panties, bras, old make-up, etc.  It's funny but she never told me, she never said a word.  I just "discovered" it...and never said a word about it.  I just used things and put them back. 

She also separated a section is her closet of "garage sale/donation items" after she figured out I was trying on all her blouses, skirts and dresses.  She casually mentioned one day that she had cleaned her closet (...my heart sank hoping she didn't get rid some of my favorites) and created a section of things she didn't want anymore.  I figured it out.  :-)

My mom and I never talked openly about what we both knew until I had graduated from college and was going out with my now wife.  We had a lot of laughs, tears, and "wow, really??" moments.

As a kid growing up, exercising that side of myself that I perceived as feminine was my temporary relief for my desire to become a woman.  But throughout my entire childhood and teen years that frustration and confusion, the guilt and shame, really never went away.  Looking back, I realized that at least with my mom, we had one step in the right direction...we just never took that next one.  We didn't talk about it.  That's one thing I sure wish I had done. 

Wow.  Inspiring. What an amazing mom!

You remind me of telling my mom several years back that I wish I could wear my wife's lingerie...and she said, "why don't you?"   "What every makes you happy!"    I never confided in her about my feelings and desire, and she passed away a year ago.   She was so wise and supportive of me...I know she would be supportive of me today. 

Wow I know a great deal of these experiences resonate with me. Lets see, things I remeber....

dress up, at first it wasnt always in secret but when you are very young its just cute. When you get a bit older you get the idea that it is wrong. I remeber putting on my grandma's clip on earings and some costume jewelry neclaces. Spraying a pump of purfume. Wearing her shoes and once or twice my moms shoes. In my later grade school years I would dress in secret if alone at my grandparents house. Upstairs in the closets of the bedrooms my mom and uncle grew up in was a bunch of my grandma's older dresses. Sometimes if it worked into our play stories, I would wear one of those dresses over my regular clothes.
I remeber sometimes playing being pregnant like a TV show labor scene. I seemed to always be the one with a pillow stuffed into my shirt for a preggers belly.
One year when my one girl cousin was at our house and she had received her first makeup and nail paint sets for her birthday, I was enthralled watching her putting on eye shadow. I so wished I could put it on also.
Starting at about 11 years old I started thinking about self castration. I grew up on a farm and had helped when grandpa castrated young pigs. I knew what supplies were used to keep it all sterile. I planned it out many times in my head. Luckily I never tried.

There was no word transgender back then. All I knew is growing up it was "wrong" and "bad" to watch Strawberry Shortcake and other girly cartoons. I knew it was wrong to want to be a girl enough to never say it aloud but for one time when i was 4 or 5. The only transvestitie or transsexual media exposure was negative. Late night TV shows like "SOAP", movies like "Crocadile Dundee" only ever portayed people like us as something bad or something to make fun of.

Quote from: josie76 on April 06, 2018, 09:33:14 PM

There was no word transgender back then. All I knew is growing up it was "wrong" and "bad" to watch Strawberry Shortcake and other girly cartoons.

+ Rainbow Brite and She-Ra. :X (Later on, Sailor Moon with the "It's hard to get anime in the US, I have to take what I can get!" excuse.)

Quote from: pamelatransuk on April 05, 2018, 05:58:57 AM
Some of us know when we are infants and some of us only realise later.

So a simple question for those of us like me that "always knew".

Perhaps not unexpectedly, I told someone I wished to be a girl - I chose my grandmother as I was really close to her.

I prayed to God that I would be turned into a girl.

Thirdly I believed perhaps from age 4 to age 12 that there must be four groups: boys who wished to boys, girls who wished to be girls, boys who wished to be girls and girls who wished to be boys. I was right but I truly also believed there must be around a quarter of all people in each group! I am not joking. Could anyone really be so naïve? Could anyone really be so pessimistic?

What were your first thoughts/actions if you "always knew" please?

Thanking you

Pamela

I knew from the age of four that I was really a girl but didn't know what to do about it. I was born legally blind and, as I got older, felt that it was another "handicap " or "challenge" as they say now. I started dressing in my aunt's clothing at around thirteen. As I got older, I over-compensated, like many of us have done. I always dressed in secret. Over the years, I read about pioneering women like Christine Jorgensen, Renee Richards and revered women like Billie Jean King. I went in and out of two marriages and my second one ended when my late wife passed away. Nine of then were the least bit open or sympathetic. I've been more open and up front about my trans-ness in the last several years and have finally begun HRT. For however many years I have left, I'm going to be Sarah once and for all. I'm finally feeling the freedom and joy I should have given myself the chance to feel so long ago. I've come out to people and met with mostly rejection. I know that my family members, few though there are, will most likely reject me, including my sons. But I have to be me. I've already made some girlfriends who are changelings, and I'm so happy to be part of this community.

Love you all,
Sarah xo


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Like BriannaJ, I also had an understanding mother.
I knew early on I was different but didn't even consider transitioning until my mid-30s. When I was 4 to about 6 or so, I played dress up with my mother's and sister's and shoes and clothes, they both thought it was cute and played along; my father, however, was a far different story.
When I was about 12, Dad started traveling extensively and I started dressing again only to be caught by my sister playing in her dolls and wearing Mom's hose and one of Sissie's dresses. By then, my feet were too large for either's shoes... When Mom came home, we had the first of many long conversations including subjects such as Christine Jorgenson and crossdressing was odd but not perverted. We then started building me a "secret" wardrobe that could be easily hidden when Dad was home. Even though I wore panties daily, I still liked girls.
In high school, I had to revert to boy's underwear for the year I had gym class and hated it. By the time I went to college, my parents had divorced, I had a good wig, a couple of bras and rice-filled bags to fill them and even went out a couple of times with Mom and sis as my alter-ego. Still thinking I was "just" a CD, I managed to suppress my urges with a heavy class load. After graduation, however, I started dressing almost nightly and wondered if there was anyone out there for me.
When I was 25, I met a wonderful girl. We fell madly in love but before I made any commitment, I respected her enough that I had to let her know the truth. I preparation for her arrival one Friday evening, I had taken extra care to be as womanly as I could possibly be wearing a blue skirt and matching pumps, ecru blouse and faux pearl earrings and necklace. We cried and hugged a lot that night but when she left, I knew not if I would ever see her again. I was startled when she just dropped in the next afternoon, unannounced. I was in guy's grungies, just back from work, when she told me to clean up and change, we were headed out. She also announced that my name was all wrong and christened me as Susan. We ended up at a lingerie boutique where she had pre-arranged an actual bra fitting with artificial breasts. I was in heaven.
Fast forward 10 years and she and I both knew CDing just wasn't enough and the first steps towards full transition were begun. Our young family had known Susan all their lives so nothing seemed amiss as together we began the process to complete the "real" me that had started to emerge all those years ago.

Unfortunately both my mother and bride have passed on to another place but without their Love, help and encouragement, I wouldn't be who I am today.

Susan
PS. Thank you for a great topic and walk down memory lane. And thanks also to those who have taken time to tell their stories.
edit: How could I have forgotten Love (with a capital L) in the last sentence? sb

Double wow.    You are both amazing and inspiring.   I have so much respect for individuals who are so open to humanity. 

It's so great to hear about understanding and supportive parents from a young age!  I really wish that all parents could be like that, y'know?

Mine didn't really come around until I actually came out to her, otherwise she, being one with high appearance standards, thought that my masculine days were me just being sloppy and lazy but switched real fast when she knew the reason why I had those days.  Otherwise, when I was a kid, she just let me play with and wear what I wanted (she recently told me that people would buy me dolls and Barbies but I'd play with them for two seconds and then never touch them again), but still pressured me to be feminine.

So, like, the first time I remember an awareness of self, is also the first time I remember thinking about my gender. I was riding in the back of our family car. I was maybe 4. I was thinking "I'm a girl. But I look like a boy. And daddy thinks I'm a boy. And mommy wishes I was a boy. But I'm a girl."

I didn't do much with it at first, because at that age I was able to be pretty girly without reproach. As I got older, I started to realize that certain femme behaviors were more heavily policed, and attracted certain bad attention, so I had to repress those. Others were more ambiguous, and could be played with. I built 3 layers of personality, the fake boy on the outside, as much girl shining through as possible, and the girl trapped in it all.

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Thank you all so much for your replies.

We have so many interesting stories which we have shared and have so much in common. Nice to remininisce back to childhood.

Once again thank you and I appreciate some will not wish to look back due to painful experiences.

Pamela