Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm just starting on a long road, after admitting at the age of 43 that I'm not me.
Does that make sense?
My wife of 20 years has known about my feelings for a long time but I admitted last weekend that I need to find a way forwards, I've been on anti depressants for years as a way of coping but I just can't and don't want to "cope" anymore.
I want to be happy being whoever I maybe.
I'm typical of a lot of people here life journey wise, identified as much as I could with girls as a child, hated being called a boy (still do) cried myself to sleep nearly every night throughout puberty because I hated the changes.
However I did the usual thing of being a stereotypical man, worked hard, got married, have 7 beautiful children whom 8 adore beyond words.
My life should be great, so why am I so empty?
Still on a positive note, after watching soooo many YouTube videos, researching online and finally admitting that inside I'm just not male, never have been I've literally just booked my first therapy session & I can't put into words how happy I am right now.
I'm going to pester you all to death for advice as a lot of the people on here seem amazing and I'm not silly enough to think I can do this without support xx

Ps. Sorry it's rambling but I have so much to get out that I didn't and don't know where to start, but I truly know where I want to go to xx

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Hello maybesoph,  Thank you for joining Susan's Place...  I see that you are new here and may have questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances. 
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with the issues that you brought up in your introduction posting. 

WELCOME to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others about your transition and to read about others transitions and their trials, tribulations, and successes in their transition journey. 
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have a successful moment in your journey you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and get involved at your own pace.  Be sure to look at the Links that I posted below, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)	Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)	Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html)

Well let me congratulate you for breaking. Breaking is my personal terminology for, breaking the habits  , the routines to make others happy instead of yourself. For breaking the chains of the social norm that sociaity has set for genetic males or females and finally deciding to be yourself and make yourself happy for a change. It can be very scary and stressful to make that choice and then follow through on it. I remember the first time i ever put on a female garment. Even at the age of 4 years old it felt so perfect and normal, comforting.  Yet the feeling to follow were very hard to handle.  I felt guilt, terrible guilt because even at 4 years old i knew i was born a male and expected to act it. No one knew or ever caught me dressing up. Because i feared what would happen. Then one day at about 6 years old i dressed in my moms very short dress and walked out into the occupied house for what then was my whole world. It was like time stopped,  planes fell out of the sky and silence of a battlefield a day old. Then erupted laughter quickly mixed with the roar of my father of anger. I was challenged and when i stood up to that as it was how i should be dressed, i was whiped with a whip. Yes an actual cat of 9 tails. . I was told i would be whipped until i removed the dress. I was beaten until i could not stand but held refusing to remove it. Finally when my legs collapsed and i could not stand i was beaten while on the ground. About that time my mother entered the house and though a arguement ensued the beating stoped. My dad left the house, i did not see him again for days. Although I never openly dressed again it did not come as a victory for my dad very long. About a year later i started growing breasts. Lol the joke was really on him and to stop that act of natral femininity he had to pay quite a bit of money for doctors visits and medication. So my point is we all have out time of breaking. The time we say to the world do your worse because it is nothing compared to the hell im living . So blessings to you in your forward journey.

Hi maybesoph, thank you for sharing your happy news, many of us here identify with your life long struggle. I think most of us at some point realised we could not deny our inner self, admitting who we are is liberating and for me has made me a happier person than I ever was before.
Wishing you every success in your journey

Hi Maybesoph  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thankyou so much for the kind words x

I'm in a very lonely place today, it's all down to the love for my family and especially my wife who's in pieces right now.
It's the guilt that I've hurt her feelings and brought her to tears.
It was a long lonely, hard emotional night trying to convince her that I love her and always have. Went to sleep feeling guilt/broken/ashamed/fearful really dont want to lose my best friend :(
Guess a lot of you have been here before.


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Hello Maybesop  after reading your story I can really relate to it don't think that you're too old because you never are I suffered until the age of 56 which just made it worse and I'm so glad you had the courage to take the first baby step. All the best to you love Tatiana

Quote from: Tatiana 79 on April 24, 2018, 08:23:49 AM
Hello Maybesop  after reading your story I can really relate to it don't think that you're too old because you never are I suffered until the age of 56 which just made it worse and I'm so glad you had the courage to take the first baby step. All the best to you love Tatiana

Thankyou for the kind words just knowing you're not alone in this big scary world helps.

Sophie


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