Susan's Place Transgender Resources

You know, the one you get when people clock you. I mean, I'll never pass but I don't (usually) think I am hideous. Still, well...I was out with friends Friday night at a kind of nice place in town. Its a pretty far left climate here but even so, people can be kind of thoughtless even if they are trying not to be insulting.

You walk by a table, catch someone look at you and you see what I call "that smirk" cross their lips. God bless em, they seem like they are trying not to let their amusement show. At least, those attempting to be courteous are. Then there are the ones who look away but then lean across to someone across the table from them and whisper something. You see their companion turn their head slightly but are polite enough not to turn and gawk. Maybe their friend calling me out embarrasses them, maybe they don't want to create a scene, maybe they are polite enough to not be obvious. You will never know.

I knew I would face this, but it was my first time out in a long time so I guess my skin got a little thin. I thought I was "cured" in 2010 but it was just temporarily successful repression. Only recently have I started to come out and be open and authentic about who I am so think my defenses are a little weak in a way. At the same time, I kind of react with a two word response from my inner voice. I'll give you a hint, the second word is "off". In other words, there is some armor there, but at my core it still bugs me.

How do you all deal with that? I am not turning around and I know I have to get used to it. I know I will, but it always helps to hear from others on issues like this.

Hope you all are well!

v

Hi, Virginia!

As someone who still see's male when I look in the mirror. I never have nor will I EVER let someone get under my skin and question my truth. Luckily I have never been in a situation where I was looked at funny or questioned. So I feel for my fellow transgirls out there who have it harder than most because I don't think i'll ever understand that level of anxiety or fear. Also to some peoples credit, some people seem to be more kind and accepting that I expect them to be. Its usually me being the psycho and just picking myself apart. Being is public is a huge stress for me but sometimes u just gotta suck it up. So those are my two cents. Just put ur big girl pants on and smirk back lol  best of luck and I wish all the happiness for you V!

-paloma

Unfortunately that comes with the territory in my limited experience.  But you wouldn't be human if it didn't sting.  We all want respect.  I still remember being read at a supermarket a few years ago getting a carton of milk and seeing some old coot four or five feet away stifling a laugh and it still makes me angry.  On the other hand, I also recall a woman giving me a somewhat startled look but a nice smile on top of it that felt like it came from a place of respect and love.  So it's not all bad.  I find of late I get a lot of smiles from sales clerks but for the most part they seem like friendly smiles. At least that's how I choose to interpret them.  ;D

And it's not all trans.  A cisgendered woman with really unorthodox taste in clothes or hairstyles or body art will get a lot of weird reactions too.  I realize that is apples and oranges but there are similarities.  The advise about putting on your big girl pants is most excellent.  Given the way people are you have to be able to handle it.  Just remember it is your body, your life and your decision of how to present.  Best of luck to you.

I caught something of a similar nature the other day.  Having lunch at a deli, and a woman down the counter was staring at me just a little too long.  Though it goes against my nature, I try to tackle these people head-on.  So I made eye contact, held it, and gave her a great big smile.  Busted!

I like this approach because it enhances self-confidence.  In fact, the whole point of the smile is to exude self-confidence.  (Fake until you make it.)  The smile says, "I caught you.  I know what you were up to.  I don't care.  You are not going to make me feel bad about myself.  So there!"

Kathy has it right. Just smile back and make some comment about the weather or how much fun it is being alive.

Quote from: Jin on April 24, 2018, 10:49:45 AM
Kathy has it right. Just smile back and make some comment about the weather or how much fun it is being alive.

Hmm.. I've done the raised eyebrow usually if I think someone is avoiding me or worse besmirking.  And then proceed to make THEM uncomfortable.   I believe in eye for an eye, sorry.  If you're acting like a jerk, time to turn the tables.  Not in an aggressive manner, just assertive.  Sorry, I don't believe in taking crap from anyone if you don't have to.

If you act all meek & timid people will walk all over you in our societies.  Part of the alpha wolf mentality perhaps, but unfortunately humanity has not stepped beyond that.  I'll not be a victim to someone elses rudeness.

That being said its usually crusty old better-than-thou  women that frown disapproving at my attire when they think I'm not looking.  That's usually the worst I get.

Quote from: Doreen on April 24, 2018, 11:37:45 AM
If you act all meek & timid people will walk all over you in our societies.  Part of the alpha wolf mentality perhaps, but unfortunately humanity has not stepped beyond that.  I'll not be a victim to someone elses rudeness.

The smile that I give those who stare is far from meek and timid.  It is actually quite aggressive, and is held far longer than is considered polite.  I don't say anything at all, because that would obscure the message (see my previous post for the message).  In another thread, I called it my "I am way more awesome than you will ever be" smile.  It is quite in-your-face.

Quote from: KathyLauren on April 24, 2018, 11:49:31 AM
The smile that I give those who stare is far from meek and timid.  It is actually quite aggressive, and is held far longer than is considered polite.  I don't say anything at all, because that would obscure the message (see my previous post for the message).  In another thread, I called it my "I am way more awesome than you will ever be" smile.  It is quite in-your-face.

Oh please don't misunderstand my statement :)  I was just saying what I do.  I do apologize if it seemed I was overly critical.. just sharing what I do.   You're right you can be quite assertive simply smiling alone.  I have a rather evil smile lol.

It gets to me still. I think I just have to learn to accept that I decided to transition and this is what I'll be experiencing. It's hard and yeah I guess surgeries can help down the line... I'm just not there yet to have surgery (only 7 months hrt, finances, etc.)
I'm starting to see myself as andro. Take me as I am, but definitely not male or masculine.
I feel like I repel bad people more easily from my life now honestly. I think this is my coping or trying to

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I'm actually struggling with that issue a little right now and I'm 20 years post-op (seriously).  My little brother had Downs Syndrome growing up and I hated it when people stared at him/us.  It was rude.  And I hate it when people stare or "look" at me now - it's rude.

I agree though - we ultimately have to get over it (as do they) and move on.  Unless we're fortunate enough to pass 100% it's a lifetime of one-day-at-a-times, I think.  And on the plus side, there are those who get it and smile.  We have to keep it in perspective!

Hi @Pam 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
I do think society is becoming more aware of us and that we aren't the monsters they thought we were.  I've gotten those knowing, pleasant smiles from those that are aware, but accepting.  They make me feel comfortable as I realize most don't care.

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Quote from: Pam on April 25, 2018, 01:07:23 AM
I'm actually struggling with that issue a little right now and I'm 20 years post-op (seriously).  My little brother had Downs Syndrome growing up and I hated it when people stared at him/us.  It was rude.  And I hate it when people stare or "look" at me now - it's rude.

I agree though - we ultimately have to get over it (as do they) and move on.  Unless we're fortunate enough to pass 100% it's a lifetime of one-day-at-a-times, I think.  And on the plus side, there are those who get it and smile.  We have to keep it in perspective!

Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.

Quote from: Pam on April 25, 2018, 01:07:23 AM
I'm actually struggling with that issue a little right now and I'm 20 years post-op (seriously).  My little brother had Downs Syndrome growing up and I hated it when people stared at him/us.  It was rude.  And I hate it when people stare or "look" at me now - it's rude.

I agree though - we ultimately have to get over it (as do they) and move on.  Unless we're fortunate enough to pass 100% it's a lifetime of one-day-at-a-times, I think.  And on the plus side, there are those who get it and smile.  We have to keep it in perspective!

One of the interesting experiences I had was at a restaurant with my wife, she was in her wheel chair and cannot feed herself so I was feeding her and of course myself as well. People at another table complained that we were 'putting them off their night out'. The manager agreed and threw them out of the restaurant then brought us a glass of Champagne and told us that and next time we came back we would have to pay but for this time he and his staff would like our evening to be 'on the house'.

There are lovely people.

As for dealing with the smirkers. Well I either pass so well that I never notice or I couldn't give a damn or they smirked once at me and are too terrified to do it again  >:-)

Take your pick :laugh:

This type of thing is the reason why I haven't socially transitioned.

People can be horrible. That really is how some people are but there are people that are just ignorant to the whole thing. When I was still deeply in the closet, I was at work when a non passing transwoman asked me for directions. I remember her because seeing her caused quite a bit of internal angst and pain and I think I may have stared at her too long. Now I realize that it may have been rude to her to stare but I was naive about trans issues at the time.

Some people are just naive and ignorant and may do things that may be extremely inconsiderate or rude and may not mean and harm but it still hurts.

Had some shirtless overweight fat guy come in the bar with his wife (she was built like a beach ball with a face like a bulldog chewing wasps). I was serving someone else & heard him say " Watch the chick with a dick when I speak to it
"  He said "Pint of lager please Sir" with the emphasis on Sir. I watched her face start to smirk until I told him he was improperly dressed for service at the bar & to please leave the bar area.He left then crossed the road before shouting how his mate was a cage fighter who'd been in the SAS & is a 6' 8" Hell's Angel etc who's going to smash me & the bar up. Still waiting for that!

Ah yes, looks can really sting sometimes.

I'm fortunate in that so far I've never really been trying to pass any any particular gender all that much. (I'm currently a sort of questioning FtM )
I tend to get looks of confusion more than anything, from time to time. Aside from the stalling their words or attempts at correction when they don't know what to correct to, there is a particular expression of a moment of confusion as if they are unsure of something but not yet knowing what they are unsure of... Sort of a "Hello ....sir....wait...madam?...nope....I really don't....know" which isn't a problem for me because I wasn't intending or hoping to be read as one or the other and in their defence I can look quite in-between so I'm not surprised.

The Smirk I can relate to in a different way. Used to self-harm in the past and am plastered with scars all over, so in the summer if I wear short sleeves I tend to get noticed.
Similar, but different. The stares, or look then obvious avoiding looking at me at all, whispers, people who then comment to their friends as soon as they have walked past me but are still very close and in ear-shot, and various negative experiences with shop assistants etc.

Also after I changed my name (gender neutral but people at a group I belonged to adjusted it to the feminine form - eg Nic gets translated into Nikki rather than thinking Nicholas. (My name is not Nic, just an eg))
When one of them popped round and saw my name on some mail they kind of smile and said "Oooooh I see" and I think they really did not see and got the wrong idea, so it felt uncomfortable and a bit insulting that they were just making assumptions and thinking they had secret knowledge or 'knew the truth about me' without actually asking me about it. Thinking they know a person by a cursory glance and making all sorts of assumptions.

Ironically for me, when I'm dressing more feminine and have long hair, I fairly frequently get read as MtF transitioning. Sometimes verbally in pronouns or the things people say. More often it's subtle. So I get The Smirk but a convoluted inaccurate Smirk whilst being partially well-targeted since I am some kind of transgender just not the one that they think I am! The Smirk because they think they'd IDs me as a transwoman, when I'm not. But is equally offensive because they shouldn't be doing that to transwomen or anyone at all and I'm still on the receiving end of a dirty look which doesn't feel good.

Sometimes this can be a self-esteem issue. I try to remember things like this while working on my self-esteem. Don Knotts was neither tough nor handsome. Do you think he felt bad being around all those Hollywood jocks and face men? No. He was his own man and didn't give a rat's behind. How many times do we read of TS/CDers who "own it". A goal to be sure.

Quote from: amandam on April 30, 2018, 09:59:15 AM
Sometimes this can be a self-esteem issue. I try to remember things like this while working on my self-esteem. Don Knotts was neither tough nor handsome. Do you think he felt bad being around all those Hollywood jocks and face men? No. He was his own man and didn't give a rat's behind. How many times do we read of TS/CDers who "own it". A goal to be sure.

This how I am able to feel comfortable in public.  Along with feeling absolutely wonderful, walking about, engaging in society. 
True, I have had girlfriends with me, but I do wander off from them and it seems to me that I don't need them as a crutch.  They are my friends and I enjoy doing things with them.
As for smirks, I have seen a couple, but felt no embarrassment and shrugged it off.

They are smirking on the wrong side of history.

In the past, people with a specific skin color could be arrested for sitting in the front of a bus.  That continued until enough people became fed up, went out and actively sought to live their lives as they should.

I like KathyLauren's solution.  If someone smirks, smile and stare at them long enough to make them uncomfortable.  It's their loss.

Quote from: KathyLauren on April 24, 2018, 06:18:28 AM
I caught something of a similar nature the other day.  Having lunch at a deli, and a woman down the counter was staring at me just a little too long.  Though it goes against my nature, I try to tackle these people head-on.  So I made eye contact, held it, and gave her a great big smile.  Busted!

I like this approach because it enhances self-confidence.  In fact, the whole point of the smile is to exude self-confidence.  (Fake until you make it.)  The smile says, "I caught you.  I know what you were up to.  I don't care.  You are not going to make me feel bad about myself.  So there!"

Fake it till you make it is also really important for emotions. People are conditioned by their reactions. So if you feel scared it will be easy to be scared again. Reacting warmly to those things will make your feelings positive too with time.

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Quote from: Allsorts on April 30, 2018, 09:09:35 AM
Used to self-harm in the past and am plastered with scars all over, so in the summer if I wear short sleeves I tend to get noticed.

Hello Allsorts!

I am a recovered cutter and I used to be wicked shy about all my "stripes" on my arms.  Then I finally began to acquire tattoos, and nobody ever mentions my scars... they just ask about my artwork.

Springtime's always a good time to get some new ink!  Perhaps you might add some beautiful and empowering artwork to your daily life!  :) 

When it happens, i generally smile back at them or smirk. Occasionally i bug out my eyes and mock them a bit, it depends on the vibe i get. I can't be afraid of others opinions, lest it effect me to the negative.

So many people have never known or even talked to a trans person still, So many think we only hang out in special places together and our lives are about performing or sex etc. When they see us at a place like a grocery store or a coffee shop (and they clock us) i kinda see that as a good thing. We are "normalizing" ourselves, to use a sort of dumb term.

Quote from: KathyLauren on April 24, 2018, 06:18:28 AM
I caught something of a similar nature the other day.  Having lunch at a deli, and a woman down the counter was staring at me just a little too long.  Though it goes against my nature, I try to tackle these people head-on.  So I made eye contact, held it, and gave her a great big smile.  Busted!

I like this approach because it enhances self-confidence.  In fact, the whole point of the smile is to exude self-confidence.  (Fake until you make it.)  The smile says, "I caught you.  I know what you were up to.  I don't care.  You are not going to make me feel bad about myself.  So there!"

I really like this approach. I will probably use it as well.

Quote from: Northstar on April 30, 2018, 12:31:26 PM
Hello Allsorts!

I am a recovered cutter and I used to be wicked shy about all my "stripes" on my arms.  Then I finally began to acquire tattoos, and nobody ever mentions my scars... they just ask about my artwork.

Springtime's always a good time to get some new ink!  Perhaps you might add some beautiful and empowering artwork to your daily life!  :)

Hi @Northstar Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.

I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

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I haven't had any problems with this. I certainly don't pass, people who don't know me generally misgender me and I don't bother correcting people I know I won't ever see again ... just a question of picking my battles.

I can't say as I've ever been "smirked" at ... I can think of a few colleagues who I'd bet do behind my back. My whole negative experiences so far have consisted of the fortunately few acquaintances who've been less than clueful when I came out. I've been heckled on the street once.

My two most negative experiences so far were with my sister who was ignorantly hostile (that interaction happened 20 years ago when feminism wasn't very friendly towards MTFs) ... And my parent who is just plain ignorant and who was only able to say "I'm not happy about it but I guess it's your choice".

From men I'd  say I mostly get ignored, maybe there's the occasional  disapproving frown. Compare that to when women clock me I often get a smile, older women often give me an appraising look, so far always followed by a nod and a smile.

It's hard to figure out looks from cis people. I live in a generally accepting area. I tend to shut some people up. They get quiet with me, don't ask many questions of me. They sometimes don't know how to act. (Hello human being here!) It's funny to think of the poor little trans woman intimidating the non trans hoards. I got smirks in a doctors office once from two teenage girls. I do as Kathy does, I smile. Lately, I have gotten some looks from guys that I can't read. My wife has told me a couple guys were checking me out. I find that hard to believe, although they didn't look hostile. Crazy cis people, who can figure em out? lol  I do agree that looks from folks, misgendering, can really hurt. I recently took a more aggressive approach to dealing with coworkers who misgender. I'm calling them out. If I don't, who will. I am insistent but pleasant. I have given them the power to make me feel bad before, it's time I take that back!
Monica

Quote from: HappyMoni on April 30, 2018, 08:10:24 PM
It's hard to figure out looks from cis people. I live in a generally accepting area. I tend to shut some people up. They get quiet with me, don't ask many questions of me. They sometimes don't know how to act. (Hello human being here!) It's funny to think of the poor little trans woman intimidating the non trans hoards. I got smirks in a doctors office once from two teenage girls. I do as Kathy does, I smile. Lately, I have gotten some looks from guys that I can't read. My wife has told me a couple guys were checking me out. I find that hard to believe, although they didn't look hostile. Crazy cis people, who can figure em out? lol  I do agree that looks from folks, misgendering, can really hurt. I recently took a more aggressive approach to dealing with coworkers who misgender. I'm calling them out. If I don't, who will. I am insistent but pleasant. I have given them the power to make me feel bad before, it's time I take that back!
Monica

I absolutely agree with your approach here. I had one person... ONE that was doing that, and doing it consistently.   He wasn't exactly misgendering though he was blatantly avoiding gender descriptors.  I took him aside, privately, and told him under no uncertain terms I was a girl.  I didn't have a p* and didn't want a p*.  My backstory he doesn't deserve or need to know.  (Frankly he only did it because he had met my spouse, an obvious m2f.. which certainly complicates matters). 

Once I took the bull by the horns and addressed it, he stopped the behaviors.  Now he's very friendly, appropriate, and respectful.   If I had not though the behaviors would have escalated I have no doubts.

Being passive works sometimes, but sometimes it only makes things worse. 

I have had a clerk tell everyone in the store that I am trans(Not that nice). I have had a group of teenage girls follow me around a department store making fun of me. I have had a lady ask me loudly in a restaurant if I was proud of myself for pretending to be a girl, and so, so much more.

I have never dressed awful or anything, so I didn't think that I would draw that much attention. I am extremely happy for everyone who has gotten through life unscathed, I have not been that lucky.

Just a day. There will be many others.

Michelle, I'm sorry you have to endure that. I'm reminded that my very different experience rests on living in an accepting area. I avoid the suburbs, feel far less comfortable there.

Quote from: SadieBlake on May 01, 2018, 07:01:26 AM
Michelle, I'm sorry you have to endure that. I'm reminded that my very different experience rests on living in an accepting area. I avoid the suburbs, feel far less comfortable there.

Thank you. I have been a bit of a grouch the last couple of weeks, sorry that I let it spill over here.

Hugs

Quote from: FinallyMichelle on April 30, 2018, 10:33:45 PM
I have had a clerk tell everyone in the store that I am trans(Not that nice). I have had a group of teenage girls follow me around a department store making fun of me. I have had a lady ask me loudly in a restaurant if I was proud of myself for pretending to be a girl, and so, so much more.

I have never dressed awful or anything, so I didn't think that I would draw that much attention. I am extremely happy for everyone who has gotten through life unscathed, I have not been that lucky.

Just a day. There will be many others.

Is this now? I just can't believe people where you live...

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Quote from: FinallyMichelle on April 30, 2018, 10:33:45 PM
I have had a clerk tell everyone in the store that I am trans(Not that nice). I have had a group of teenage girls follow me around a department store making fun of me. I have had a lady ask me loudly in a restaurant if I was proud of myself for pretending to be a girl, and so, so much more.

I have never dressed awful or anything, so I didn't think that I would draw that much attention. I am extremely happy for everyone who has gotten through life unscathed, I have not been that lucky.

Just a day. There will be many others.

Michelle, from your picture it is hard to image you having  this trouble. I hate that this happened to you. At some point it will happen to me. I am surprised it hasn't already. Maybe cause I am older, it hasn't. My heart goes out to you for having had these experiences.

Monica and Allison,

You are both so nice, thank you for your concern. It really has been a while, 2 1/2 half to 3 years ago. The first 6 months after going full time. I did go full time really early because my dysphoria was killing me so even though it was crappy it was better than I was before. I think that I was beginning to pass at the end of that 6 month period but I cannot be sure, that is when I got beat up really bad and didn't go out at all for 9 to 10 months. My roommate and her daughter did everything from buying my groceries to putting gas in my car. I had came out at work and they had a company meeting about harassment right after, it pretty much ended the outright aggression there. So my life was okay then and when I started to venture out again I passed for the most part I guess because the harassment was done and the most I ever got after that were those unsure looks. Not even that in a very long time.

I did move though and got a new job. Might make me a bit of a coward but I am a happy coward most of the time. 😊

Thank you again for thinking of me.
Hugs
Michelle

Quote from: FinallyMichelle on May 01, 2018, 05:17:04 PM
Monica and Allison,

You are both so nice, thank you for your concern. It really has been a while, 2 1/2 half to 3 years ago. The first 6 months after going full time. I did go full time really early because my dysphoria was killing me so even though it was crappy it was better than I was before. I think that I was beginning to pass at the end of that 6 month period but I cannot be sure, that is when I got beat up really bad and didn't go out at all for 9 to 10 months. My roommate and her daughter did everything from buying my groceries to putting gas in my car. I had came out at work and they had a company meeting about harassment right after, it pretty much ended the outright aggression there. So my life was okay then and when I started to venture out again I passed for the most part I guess because the harassment was done and the most I ever got after that were those unsure looks. Not even that in a very long time.

I did move though and got a new job. Might make me a bit of a coward but I am a happy coward most of the time. 😊

Thank you again for thinking of me.
Hugs
Michelle

You are no coward. I do like thinking you are happy. :)

Quote from: FinallyMichelle on April 30, 2018, 10:33:45 PM
I have had a clerk tell everyone in the store that I am trans(Not that nice). I have had a group of teenage girls follow me around a department store making fun of me. I have had a lady ask me loudly in a restaurant if I was proud of myself for pretending to be a girl, and so, so much more.

I have never dressed awful or anything, so I didn't think that I would draw that much attention. I am extremely happy for everyone who has gotten through life unscathed, I have not been that lucky.

Just a day. There will be many others.

Wow I'm so sorry to hear you have been treated like that.  I live in the heard of bible thumping redneck appalachia in the deep dark mountains and even in the most redneck locations I've not seen that happen yet.  Hold your head high though.  You are achieving in yourself what others only dream of, and what others may dread.  You are special and unique.  In ancient cultures, magical.  Its hard to feel that on a daily basis, this I know.. but its true. 

Y'all are sweet, I feel like I am misrepresenting something. It wasn't that bad. Small aggravations for the most part. Getting beat up really sucked and work was bad but the rest was very petty people tearing someone down in order to make themselves look bigger.

It just gets to me sometimes, like how is it possible that no one has experienced any of this. As a child I didn't know how to be around boys at all, when I was forced out to be with them anyway my brother and his friends made me do all sorts of things. For instance, ride my bike from my neighbor's driveway to ours with my pants around my knees. All kinds of things like that. I was so different and I knew it because everyone, adults and children, never let me forget how unlike them I was. Everyone thinks that sexual abuse is horrible and it is really but...

So, scenario like the above, me being the object of all the neighbors jokes. When they were going into puberty they needed me for something I was included for the first time in my life. I was accepted. During my year of hell I was constantly in fear, never knowing when he would get angry and violent. When he came into my room at night, or put his arm around me in the barn when, or pulled over on a deserted dirt road, I knew I was safe. For that time he was nice. When I was in the mental hospital because I told my family that I couldn't be a boy anymore and I hadn't seen anybody in my family for months. No one would talk to me but the doctors and them only when they were working with me. The orderly was in his early 20s probably, not attractive or even clean and I was only 14, definitely wrong I know but I never said a word and did whatever he wanted. He treated me like a human being. He was gross but...

All of that was long ago, it's over and okay really. 🙂 Just a slightly unusual life. It does help me explain that everything is not as horrible as it should be or as it sounds. After that year on the farm with the abusive uncle when I ended up in West Virginia I was completely lost in the new school, new everything and my only friend and first real friend since I was six or seven, was the girl that lived next door. Her mother never had anything to do with my brother or I, her father was amazing though. Her mom, most of the people if I am being honest, treated us like we were scum but even worse, she was the a gym teacher and would not let her daughter talk to me at school at all. I hated her completely, she was nasty and vile. After being in the hospital and everything that happened immediately after, all really awful, another time in my life I would not wish on anyone, I did not handle it well. I found out years later she followed everywhere I went and smoothed things over and made my life easier. She made sure that I never had to go into a locker room again the rest of the time I was in school and that I only ever had to use the teachers bathroom. She kept me out of jail as I got more and more violent. She made it so I could live on my own and not have to do foster care when state removed me from home when my grandma got physically abusive. She helped me get by in school for years when my attendance was awful because I had to work. She still to this day will not speak to me, but I will always be grateful to her. Awful but not right? Very few things are all bad, my life was weird but not all bad. It's nothing, just life being life so we live it and move on. No one has to feel bad for me, for anything. Especially my transition, whatever happened was soooooooo worth it! I would do it over and over again to get right here.

Here is the other thing and this may sound terrible, I feel terrible even writing it but I will anyway and feel crappy about myself after.

I have been told and have always thought that the awful things that have happened in my life were because of the way that I am. I am so different than everyone else. Then one day I find out that I am not alone, that there are others like me. Woo hoo! That is not how it works out though is it. I hate sports, hate them, I love the Philadelphia Eagles though. I have a photo of me in a group of children when I was 5 or 6 and everyone who knows me can pick me out right away even though you can't see my face. I was wearing an Eagles sweat shirt. So I am a bit of a fan but that does not make me anything like any other fan does it? So we are not all alike 😁 I get that. When I am feeling down like I have been recently, not transition related, it get to me sometimes. Like really? Nothing? It's all been good? I get a bit pissy about it actually and want to scream at god or the universe or whatever. WTF!? Seriously? Easy transition would have been nice, but no, you gotta be an ass hole. 😡

Sad I know, sorry. Just when I am already stressing about other stuff it is much easier to get a little self absorbed. I know that I am not like anyone else now, no one is. Sometimes I whine is all, don't mean anything by it. Thank you all for being so nice about it. 😊

Quote from: Virginia 71 on April 23, 2018, 11:12:19 PM
You know, the one you get when people clock you. I mean, I'll never pass but I don't (usually) think I am hideous. Still, well...I was out with friends Friday night at a kind of nice place in town. Its a pretty far left climate here but even so, people can be kind of thoughtless even if they are trying not to be insulting.

You walk by a table, catch someone look at you and you see what I call "that smirk" cross their lips. God bless em, they seem like they are trying not to let their amusement show. At least, those attempting to be courteous are. Then there are the ones who look away but then lean across to someone across the table from them and whisper something. You see their companion turn their head slightly but are polite enough not to turn and gawk. Maybe their friend calling me out embarrasses them, maybe they don't want to create a scene, maybe they are polite enough to not be obvious. You will never know.

I knew I would face this, but it was my first time out in a long time so I guess my skin got a little thin. I thought I was "cured" in 2010 but it was just temporarily successful repression. Only recently have I started to come out and be open and authentic about who I am so think my defenses are a little weak in a way. At the same time, I kind of react with a two word response from my inner voice. I'll give you a hint, the second word is "off". In other words, there is some armor there, but at my core it still bugs me.

How do you all deal with that? I am not turning around and I know I have to get used to it. I know I will, but it always helps to hear from others on issues like this.

Hope you all are well!

v

I interpret it as: "I know you have a bigger dick than me...and I'm impressed."

Quote from: FinallyMichelle on May 02, 2018, 10:53:13 AM
Y'all are sweet, I feel like I am misrepresenting something. It wasn't that bad. Small aggravations for the most part. Getting beat up really sucked and work was bad but the rest was very petty people tearing someone down in order to make themselves look bigger.

It just gets to me sometimes, like how is it possible that no one has experienced any of this. As a child I didn't know how to be around boys at all, when I was forced out to be with them anyway my brother and his friends made me do all sorts of things. For instance, ride my bike from my neighbor's driveway to ours with my pants around my knees. All kinds of things like that. I was so different and I knew it because everyone, adults and children, never let me forget how unlike them I was. Everyone thinks that sexual abuse is horrible and it is really but...

So, scenario like the above, me being the object of all the neighbors jokes. When they were going into puberty they needed me for something I was included for the first time in my life. I was accepted. During my year of hell I was constantly in fear, never knowing when he would get angry and violent. When he came into my room at night, or put his arm around me in the barn when, or pulled over on a deserted dirt road, I knew I was safe. For that time he was nice. When I was in the mental hospital because I told my family that I couldn't be a boy anymore and I hadn't seen anybody in my family for months. No one would talk to me but the doctors and them only when they were working with me. The orderly was in his early 20s probably, not attractive or even clean and I was only 14, definitely wrong I know but I never said a word and did whatever he wanted. He treated me like a human being. He was gross but...

All of that was long ago, it's over and okay really. [emoji846] Just a slightly unusual life. It does help me explain that everything is not as horrible as it should be or as it sounds. After that year on the farm with the abusive uncle when I ended up in West Virginia I was completely lost in the new school, new everything and my only friend and first real friend since I was six or seven, was the girl that lived next door. Her mother never had anything to do with my brother or I, her father was amazing though. Her mom, most of the people if I am being honest, treated us like we were scum but even worse, she was the a gym teacher and would not let her daughter talk to me at school at all. I hated her completely, she was nasty and vile. After being in the hospital and everything that happened immediately after, all really awful, another time in my life I would not wish on anyone, I did not handle it well. I found out years later she followed everywhere I went and smoothed things over and made my life easier. She made sure that I never had to go into a locker room again the rest of the time I was in school and that I only ever had to use the teachers bathroom. She kept me out of jail as I got more and more violent. She made it so I could live on my own and not have to do foster care when state removed me from home when my grandma got physically abusive. She helped me get by in school for years when my attendance was awful because I had to work. She still to this day will not speak to me, but I will always be grateful to her. Awful but not right? Very few things are all bad, my life was weird but not all bad. It's nothing, just life being life so we live it and move on. No one has to feel bad for me, for anything. Especially my transition, whatever happened was soooooooo worth it! I would do it over and over again to get right here.

Here is the other thing and this may sound terrible, I feel terrible even writing it but I will anyway and feel crappy about myself after.

I have been told and have always thought that the awful things that have happened in my life were because of the way that I am. I am so different than everyone else. Then one day I find out that I am not alone, that there are others like me. Woo hoo! That is not how it works out though is it. I hate sports, hate them, I love the Philadelphia Eagles though. I have a photo of me in a group of children when I was 5 or 6 and everyone who knows me can pick me out right away even though you can't see my face. I was wearing an Eagles sweat shirt. So I am a bit of a fan but that does not make me anything like any other fan does it? So we are not all alike [emoji16] I get that. When I am feeling down like I have been recently, not transition related, it get to me sometimes. Like really? Nothing? It's all been good? I get a bit pissy about it actually and want to scream at god or the universe or whatever. WTF!? Seriously? Easy transition would have been nice, but no, you gotta be an ass hole. [emoji35]

Sad I know, sorry. Just when I am already stressing about other stuff it is much easier to get a little self absorbed. I know that I am not like anyone else now, no one is. Sometimes I whine is all, don't mean anything by it. Thank you all for being so nice about it. [emoji4]

[emoji173] to hear that transitioning and being the person you're meant to be was worth it, is comforting for me. I don't know why we go through what we do. I feel the same way about finally meeting people I click with. Wish I had so much sooner..[emoji4]

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Hey NorthStar

As being brand new here I have limited exposure to this but I would agree with what many said here about looking them in the eye and show that you acknowledge them, wouldnt this achieve the same results as the big smile
I'm pre everything and pre technology as far as that goes but I did have my first shot directed at me. I live in a Tiny Town in the middle of nowhere and we only have one store within many miles. I have quite long hair that I have been hiding for many years but lately I've been exposing it slowly a little more femmie each day while I was in the store some stranger gave me that smirk and then said, you know you're wearing your hair like the girl don't you. My reaction was merely Dah. This completely caught

him off guard and had the same results as the big smile which meant we knew about it and acknowledged it but really didn't care. no one is going to do this on my turf where I know everyone else in the store and they don't care. I know he wanted to embarrass me but I kind of turned it against him and caught him off guard and even some of my friends in the store kind of snickered at him I know it's not the big city here I don't see many strangers and it's not quite the same as the urban areas.
Why aren't people smirked at in a wheelchair or on crutches or have a cast on a broken limb it's because it's understood and accepted and I'm sure someday when can clusive evidence comes out that people will know this is not just some phase or some fetish but for now they don't know that we are all born this way and did not choose this path we were completely absent choice but they don't know that and throughout history the fear of the unknown props people to take these kind of actions similar to Exterminating wolves just because they don't understand that they are needed in the ecosystem.  an immediate reaction of acknowledging that you know what they're doing and reacting quickly with a smile or acknowledging comment will help boost your self-esteem.
  so take this with a grain of salt like I said I'm barely a newbie here.
  Best wishes love Tatiana

Quote from: Northstar on April 30, 2018, 12:31:26 PM
Hello Allsorts!

I am a recovered cutter and I used to be wicked shy about all my "stripes" on my arms.  Then I finally began to acquire tattoos, and nobody ever mentions my scars... they just ask about my artwork.

Springtime's always a good time to get some new ink!  Perhaps you might add some beautiful and empowering artwork to your daily life!  :)

I kind of would like some new ink. My tattoos are far too guy-like so I would really like to make them less so. Not really sure how to do that....

I never cut but I did brand/burn and have some serious scars on my left forearm from that. Not many people who are not close to me question that fortunately. Five months on HRT and no thoughts of self harm so far!

Thanks to everyone who responded. I agree that shying away from the problem is not the way to go. I remember reading a book once by a British soldier in the SAS who served in Northern Ireland. (I am not expressing any opinions about the British being there and don't want to start a debate about it either.)  Anyway, they were going through training of some sort. As they were going to be under cover they needed to blend in. Their trainer said something to the effect of "People won't recognize you as a local, and if you come out of the safe house and get a look from someone on the street you are looking for trouble if you keep your head down. They will know something is up. Its better to look them straight in the eye and say "F@&* Off!" Now, I'm not suggesting that exact approach but I do find the general idea helpful...wherever you are act like you belong there. (And we DO after all!)

It happened again today at a bakery/deli where I was having lunch with my sister-in-law. Well, it sort of did...no smirks but constant looks. I think in cases like that people are just naturally curious and that I can deal with much easier. I know when I presented as male I would notice trans women and try like crazy not to look but I was just so in awe, admiration, and I suppose envy to some degree as well. So...knowing if I ever accidentally made them uncomfortable (I hope I didn't...I really tried hard to not be obtrusive.) that they totally misread my reading of them kind of helps me remember that not every look is one of disapproval.

I just tend to not pay attention and consider in my mind that they are smiling and commenting how good I look. Lol. I'm to old to really care what others think and I'm not going to let them think they got to me. My daughter had that problem when she first transitioned, always think people where looking and talking about her. Try not to let it bother you and just believe in yourself.

Quote from: big kim on April 25, 2018, 07:57:37 AM
Had some shirtless overweight fat guy come in the bar with his wife (she was built like a beach ball with a face like a bulldog chewing wasps). I was serving someone else & heard him say " Watch the chick with a dick when I speak to it
"  He said "Pint of lager please Sir" with the emphasis on Sir. I watched her face start to smirk until I told him he was improperly dressed for service at the bar & to please leave the bar area.He left then crossed the road before shouting how his mate was a cage fighter who'd been in the SAS & is a 6' 8" Hell's Angel etc who's going to smash me & the bar up. Still waiting for that!

ive met up  with a few SAS guys as i used to live near where they train... more than a few admitted they  liked  cross-dress sometimes ..

Still not lined in chalk! Remember reading a book on the SAS with a picture of one in drag where they were on an exercise to sneak into a guarded area. Think it worked as the dressed soldier distracted the guard so others got in

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