Susan's Place Transgender Resources

We had sex but I never told him

http://www.newnownext.com/we-had-sex-but-i-never-told-him-im-trans/08/2017/

NewNowNext/by Jen Richards     08/2017

Would a cis female who'd had vaginoplasty for the reason of vaginal agenesis be expected to disclose?

I always take the idea of non-harm. Is there any safety reason people need to know? If it won't hurt or endanger them, they don't need to know. I just feel like that idea is like needing to warn everybody I had my appendix out. It mostly affects people's fragile egos more than any real trust issue.

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I would be too scared of not telling. I rather don´t have sex and stay alive, than other way around.

This is an old discussion but still relevant.   Do you feel the need to disclose you had missing teeth and had an implant to fix it? Take it a step further.. you were missing an eyeball and its actually fake. No? Maybe? Yes?

Its entirely up to you... and noone else to tell you what you should share how much others should know.  There is no law stating you must (that I'm aware of). 

We all have our 'secrets'.  None of us.. ever.. completely share everything.  After all, can you really remember all your secrets yourself? I surely can't. 

Share what you want, what you are comfortable with.  Noone can tell you what you must do or should do otherwise.

Quote from: Doreen on May 01, 2018, 10:04:27 AM
This is an old discussion but still relevant.   Do you feel the need to disclose you had missing teeth and had an implant to fix it? Take it a step further.. you were missing an eyeball and its actually fake. No? Maybe? Yes?

Its entirely up to you... and noone else to tell you what you should share how much others should know.  There is no law stating you must (that I'm aware of). 

We all have our 'secrets'.  None of us.. ever.. completely share everything.  After all, can you really remember all your secrets yourself? I surely can't. 

Share what you want, what you are comfortable with.  Noone can tell you what you must do or should do otherwise.

Hear, hear. That's basically what the article came down to. It is dangerous not to disclose but also the burden shouldn't fall on the most vulnerable to kowtow to people's fragile masculine egos... a utopian idea perhaps, but hopefully someday we will be there.

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Personally, if I was having sex with someone or planning to... then yes I would let that person know before penetration happens.

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If it got past anything but casual friendship I'd let that person know exactly what they are signing up for. Relationships are about trust and shouldn't be built of a false premise. I'm not and never will be CIS even if I had SRS and don't want to spend the rest of my life with secret. If the potential partner walked away sure it might sting a bit, but at least you know where you stand.

Hello Stephanie

I don't think that there is an absolute correct answer for this one.
You will know when the right time presents itself for you to disclose this don't feel too guilty it happens all the time.
I myself was married for years before I disclosed anything because I falsely assumed that when I get married these feelings would leave me but of course they did not. I did it very gradually and slowly and was very concerned about losing her.
I do believe though that a close couple Should Have No Secrets just wait till the time feels right and hopefully you will be accepted for the real you

I hope everything works out for the best for you love Tatiana

Quote from: krobinson103 on May 01, 2018, 10:57:00 AM
If it got past anything but casual friendship I'd let that person know exactly what they are signing up for. Relationships are about trust and shouldn't be built of a false premise. I'm not and never will be CIS even if I had SRS and don't want to spend the rest of my life with secret. If the potential partner walked away sure it might sting a bit, but at least you know where you stand.

I understand the thought processes behind this.. but I think that's a dangerous self mental mindset too.  Basically you are admitting to yourself you're 'fake', an illusion.. not real.  Sure you aren't cis.  Who really is 'cis'gender?  We all have male and female tendencies.. some more, some less.. some barely at all. 

Trust?  Yes, relationships should be built on trust.  How much are you going to trust your partner with?  Are you telling every single deep dark secret you ever knew?  Most guys would run away and not look back (or even girls).  I may not be 'cis'.. but neither am I 'trans'.  I am me.  Take it or leave it, and that's how I approach any relationship.   What you see is what you're getting.

I'm not saying your approach is wrong, but I think its a slippery slope to use that particular thought process too.

Quote from: Doreen on May 01, 2018, 10:04:27 AM
Take it a step further.. you were missing an eyeball and its actually fake. No? Maybe? Yes?

If I was missing an eye, yeah, I'd bring it up because they'd be wondering why it doesn't move (and why I have a lightning bolt there).

But if I've had GRS, no I wouldn't be mentioning it.

Fingers crossed that I never have to worry about dating and sex with anybody other than my wife. However, if it did I happen I would absolutely want to disclose at the earliest safe opportunity. After all, fragile masculine egos are gross and I wouldn't want to accidentally sleep with one of those.   :laugh:

However, I would never judge somebody who is stealth not wanting to disclose. Even if your partner is cool with it, you never know who they are going tell... and they likely will tell somebody, because that's what people do.

I'm really digging all the thought-provoking posts by Doreen!  I've sorta wrestled with the idea of being 'fake' too, but much of what is seen as female IS fake, even for cis-gendered women.  So many women out there are not fond of dresses, makeup, and even 'girly' things- but they do not identify as transgender in any way, either.

Personally, I'm more in-line with Sarah's situation(at least I think so) I love my wife, she doesn't know i'm trans, but the extra hole isn't at all necessary for our relationship. And I would only get SRS if I started to develop extreme dysphoria over it; but right now, the opposite is true, the very idea of SRS makes me nauseous on me.

I had basically allowed myself to become a cuck(and this was before seeing myself as trans) because I lacked meaningful intimacy in that department, work constantly, and was not in touch with my feeling at all.  Honestly, I'm hopeful that me being trans will reignite the sexual side of our relationship and make my wife truly happy again.

But, I like to get off topic ALOT - So back on topic...

I agree with the general consensus that it's totally not an obligation to disclose that info. And I'm on the side that believes, if there is absolutely nothing tracing me back to being MAAB, then just consider yourself never male to begin with.

I don't think I could be intimate with someone if they didn't know this part about me. That's just where I stand on the matter because I feel like this is a part of me and intimacy is about being vulnerable. Actually that was the theme of my last therapy session today was feeling vulnerable.
I know some day I will heal and move past this stressful time in my life.
It's not about a neo vagina being incomparable to a cis vagina. Authenticity and acceptance gets someone closer to getting between my legs.
I hope I don't come off being crude, but I need to stand for what I believe.
Trust me, hiding srs from a partner, doesn't mean your or the next trans person's history will be erased.. sorry that's just my view point

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Quote from: Allison S on May 01, 2018, 05:37:41 PM
I don't think I could be intimate with someone if they didn't know this part about me. That's just where I stand on the matter because I feel like this is a part of me and intimacy is about being vulnerable. Actually that was the theme of my last therapy session today was feeling vulnerable.
I know some day I will heal and move past this stressful time in my life.
It's not about a neo vagina being incomparable to a cis vagina. Authenticity and acceptance gets someone closer to getting between my legs.
I hope I don't come off being crude, but I need to stand for what I believe.
Trust me, hiding srs from a partner, doesn't mean your or the next trans person's history will be erased.. sorry that's just my view point

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I think there's room for everyone's opinion and you aren't being crude. I do kind of fall more towards people not needing to disclose it, just because there is plenty I like hidden about myself. If I ever happened to date again I would probably disclose it just because I agree that intimacy is built on vulnerability.

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I personally wouldn't hide it, because I don't plan to hide it at all regardless. But that's just me, and I think people need to do what works best for them.

I recently saw a 15 minute or so clip from the web series Horace and Pete about this topic that I thought was quite interesting and well done considering. (Horace and Pete is a Louis CK "web play", which setting aside the issues with Louis CK, the fact it is made by him should not distract from the fact that it is a really solid take on the issue I feel. If you search "horace and pete transgender" on youtube it should come right up, I won't link it here directly because of language/objectionable material.) It does a great job at offering a look at double standards and people who have only a superficial (the right words but fall short on actions) approach to their view of trans rights.

Quote from: Lady Love on May 01, 2018, 06:46:29 PM
If I ever happened to date again . . . 

If this is 'a poll' then would agree to disclose too. Point is, correct if wrong, most posting here are NOT currently 'dating' and linked article is describing 'hookup' situation(s) we simply would not be engaging in the first place.

KUDO's to all here . . .

Aside from female ex-spouse of 30yrs, who knew of my 'issues' prior, every other "extra-dating affair" I've ever had has been with male co-workers and long-time friends who knew me as 'a trans/male' so, as far as dating 'cis anything' goes, couldn't even imagine post-transition being any different.

Always loved this Jamie Clayton story: Looking for love but finding lust in the city of men (http://transgriot.blogspot.com/2008/08/second-most-beautiful-girl-in-new-york.html)

lol And don't think Tennyson was referring to "one-night-stands":
"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201801/better-have-loved-and-lost-never-have-loved-all)"

Kiera, can't speak for others, I'm actively dating, granted as non passable the question is moot.

Becky decided not to reveal her transgender status to her partner until after they had sex. Becky got hacked to death. Don't be like Becky. 

I agree with Devlyn.  It is less about right and wrong than about safety.  A popular member mentioned in one of her posts that she had been giving her boyfriend oral but only told him that she was transgender after he wanted vaginal intercourse.  After some thinking, he was okay with the news.  It could have gone badly, though.  Homophobic men won't always distinguish between gay and trans in that way, and violent ones could become nasty after even learning that they have been kissed by someone that they regard as male.

The safety issue considered, everyone has different relationships, hookups or whatever. In my estimate, there is never a time when a person should be obligated or forced to reveal personal information about themselves such as past history. As in all things there are potential consequences, good, bad and neutral.

Quote from: RobynD on May 02, 2018, 12:40:51 PM
The safety issue considered, everyone has different relationships, hookups or whatever. In my estimate, there is never a time when a person should be obligated or forced to reveal personal information about themselves such as past history. As in all things there are potential consequences, good, bad and neutral.

I dunno, the disclosure that they served 20 years for murdering a transgender person might come in handy...

In my opinion, it's just sheer arrogance to suggest that our right to make our own decisions trumps someone else's right to make their own decisions..like NOT sleeping with transgender people.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn on May 02, 2018, 11:15:04 AM
Becky decided not to reveal her transgender status to her partner until after they had sex. Becky got hacked to death. Don't be like Becky.

Yep. I think being upfront is the way to go.

Dev, this has been hashed and rehashed. For some being stealth is essential for daily safety, for others the risks of not disclosing ahead are greater. Free will is a funny thing, it comes with responsibilities.

I don't recognize any right to know my medical information and I don't accept transphobia. It's not right and it never will be, that's my opinion. I don't think there's a right or wrong here, only viewpoints and we know everyone gets to have those.

It may be my imagination, and I am not referring to any particular replies, but the topic already seems to be getting tense in places.  I am just a Neighbour, so no offence to anyone but  I hope that this does not become one of those topics where opinions are so polarized that tempers flare, feelings are hurt and rifts are opened.

We all know the visceral reaction this can elicit from people. 

Play with that if you wish, but spare us the whining about transphobia when you get hurt.

The transphobes are creating their own problem here. If they didn't stigmatize being transgender, they'd be able to ask outright, and trans people would feel more comfortable disclosing. One doesn't get to incite violence against trans people with bigoted rhetoric, and then whine about the risk of offending cis people by asking if they're trans.

Or whine about trans people not trusting others with their status when transphobes made that mistrustful environment themselves.

I talked to a guy for a week. He seemed sweet and polite, but I wasn't looking to date anyone at the time. I made it clear that we would just be friends. At the end of that week, he started to flirt a bit and I came out to him so he'd stop. He threatened to hurt me for leading him on.

There is honestly no right answer when or if you should disclose. People out there will kill you just for breathing their air. Some of us are safer in stealth, some of us can't be in stealth and some of us want to leave the trans thing behind altogether. I think it's important to remember that what works for one person may not work for everyone. Just use your common sense and think logically in these situations.

We can surely offer more constructive criticism than "Good luck getting killed."

Quote from: Memento on May 03, 2018, 05:31:56 PM

We can surely offer more constructive criticism than "Good luck getting killed."

Amn sister.

The first cultural reference I can remember to men being violent towards someone they'd initiated sex with was in "Trainspotting", the 1993 novel (&1996 film) about heroin addicts in Edinburgh. There's a passage where the character Ralph Begbie picks up a thoroughly readable trans woman and becomes violent when he realizes she has a penis.

The other one I remember best is in the TV series "Sopranos" when character Chris Moltosanti tells a story of violence done to a neighborhood trans woman. Notably the same character in a different episode beats up his fiancee for not having told him that she might have trouble having children. Same behavior, neither is acceptable in civil society.

The thing is both of these characters and their transphobic violence are portrayed as sociopathic. I think most people today recognize that these acts are driven by homophobia/transphobia. Sure there are people out there who are going to be unhappy to learn of a transitioned partner's history. That doesn't make the response right or acceptable. We are allowed in most jurisdictions to change our legally recognized genders, as such society - at leas as defined in the law - has recognized us as our true genders.

Blaming victims isn't acceptable and while I know there are many who disagree, I have a very hard time seeing someone who unknowingly has sex with someone who's transitioned as a victim.

I remember that Sopranos episode vividly, always made me really uncomfortable and sad even seeing it over a decade before I came out to myself. He even turned around and used "t girl" as a slur against someone else later in the episode who he thought lied about the nature of their relationship. I remember at the time thinking that she just deserved to be loved.

Men expect to have sex with a cis female, tgs are not cis. Any man would get upset if this is not disclosed, some transphobic men will get violent. I always disclose and on Tinder I write that I am a post op tg. Be safe, be honest with your sexual partner and live long. Be proud of who you are, a tg female, cos you can never be a cis female.

Quote from: Memento on May 03, 2018, 05:31:56 PM
There is honestly no right answer when or if you should disclose. People out there will kill you just for breathing their air. Some of us are safer in stealth, some of us can't be in stealth and some of us want to leave the trans thing behind altogether. I think it's important to remember that what works for one person may not work for everyone. Just use your common sense and think logically in these situations.

We can surely offer more constructive criticism than "Good luck getting killed."

So true, thank you for that, couldn't put it better myself, we have to go with our own inner instinct, my first boyfriend was with me when I transition, he supported me through all my surgeries, we did eventually break up, nothing to do with my transition just relationship stuff.
I dated another guy and didn't disclose for many weeks, when I told him I was trans the relationship turn completely sour, he was disgusted and felt revulsion at himself that he slept with a trans woman, my self confidence hit rock bottom when he dump me. Any guy I disclosed on a first date never went beyond the first date.
Then I met a guy at a house party, he flirted with me, we clicked instantly, took  me out to dinner, we got on so well, then the dreaded decision, when do I tell him, I just kept putting it off, then he proposed we get engaged, I didn't see that coming, it was then I told him, the hardest decision I've ever had to make, he didn't show any anger, just shock and complete disbelief, he asked me a lot of questions about my transition and got counselling himself, he fell in love with a woman with a trans history, and he is now my husband. If I disclosed on that first date he probably wouldn't be my husband now, but he got to know me as a woman over time before I disclosed.
There are no set rules when to disclosed, every situation and circumstances are different, when an ex boyfriend rejected me all them years ago, probably did me a favor, no matter how pretty, beautiful and feminine I was, some guys just couldn't accept my history being born ''male'' 

This has made me really sad. If you start a relationship with a label over your head, they will never see you for who you really are. We are just like any other girl and I believe in showing them that before disclosing anything.

And as others have said, I'm sure the people we date could tell us some absolutely shocking things about their own past - things that would make us be the ones dumping them. That's why they don't tell us. What makes the trans thing any different? It's not like disclosing an HIV status.

I am going to be more direct than I usually am I was an Alpja male and respected by all my male friends and business associates. Each and every one of them have an open mind regarding tgs and sime have even dated and one married one. But each and every one believe in entering a relationship based on truths. The truth is we are NOT cis females, we will never be cis females. We can be feminine but not female. Disclosure is necessary before entering a relationship. This is not about each others secret but the very basis truths before a relationship between two people.You can be in stealth but before entering that relationship that stealth has to end for that person. Its logucal and essential for a healthy relationship and safety.

Quote from: SadieBlake on May 02, 2018, 02:58:09 PM
Dev, this has been hashed and rehashed. For some being stealth is essential for daily safety, for others the risks of not disclosing ahead are greater. Free will is a funny thing, it comes with responsibilities.

I don't recognize any right to know my medical information and I don't accept transphobia. It's not right and it never will be, that's my opinion. I don't think there's a right or wrong here, only viewpoints and we know everyone gets to have those.

I'm just pointing out that it comes with consequences, too. We are not obligated to reveal our status. We are not obligated to look both ways before crossing the street. Most people look, the rest get a Darwin Award.  :)

As long as the individual accepts responsibility for their actions, it's all good.

Hugs, Devlyn

Right, and with some (probably most) dates, informing right off makes the chances pretty darned high you'll never see them again. That's a risk.

And, yes, informing after feelings have developed, or sex has been shared has it's own set of risks which yes, include the possibility of violence. However I think you're putting up a strawman here.

Supposing I passed and start seeing someone and we eventually have feelings and / or sex. At any point along the way I am going to be evaluating whether this is a ONS, FWB, LTR .... I'm also going to be observing if the person seems safe and accepting.

Now I absolutely agree that if you're going to disclose then best it be soonest. On the other hand if my feelings were that the person won't be accepting, I'd probably never inform and break it off which is something I might do for a host of reasons and in a lot of cases I'd just want closure to avoid pointless conversations. In fact this is how I handle non-romantic relationships, people who I feel are a drain on my energy, fail to bring positive things to friendship etc ... I pretty much ghost.

Of course if I were going to wait to disclose and do so to someone I had reason to think *won't* be accepting then  be sure I'd be doing it in a time and place that ensured safely. But then I make sure to have all relationship talks in a place and manner that's non-threatening.

There's a saying "good fences make good neighbors". This applies to relationships, good boundaries are essential to healthy relationships.

Quote from: SadieBlake on May 07, 2018, 11:32:22 AM
Right, and with some (probably most) dates, informing right off makes the chances pretty darned high you'll never see them again. That's a risk.

And, yes, informing after feelings have developed, or sex has been shared has it's own set of risks which yes, include the possibility of violence. However I think you're putting up a strawman here.

Supposing I passed and start seeing someone and we eventually have feelings and / or sex. At any point along the way I am going to be evaluating whether this is a ONS, FWB, LTR .... I'm also going to be observing if the person seems safe and accepting.

Now I absolutely agree that if you're going to disclose then best it be soonest. On the other hand if my feelings were that the person won't be accepting, I'd probably never inform and break it off which is something I might do for a host of reasons and in a lot of cases I'd just want closure to avoid pointless conversations. In fact this is how I handle non-romantic relationships, people who I feel are a drain on my energy, fail to bring positive things to friendship etc ... I pretty much ghost.

Of course if I were going to wait to disclose and do so to someone I had reason to think *won't* be accepting then  be sure I'd be doing it in a time and place that ensured safely. But then I make sure to have all relationship talks in a place and manner that's non-threatening.

There's a saying "good fences make good neighbors". This applies to relationships, good boundaries are essential to healthy relationships.

You didn't quote my post, so I'm not sure you're addressing me.

Nonetheless, my post is not a strawman argument since I have not defined anything as right or wrong. I've merely pointed out the correlation between taking risks and taking responsibility for the decision to take the risks.

Quote from: warlockmaker on May 04, 2018, 08:12:28 PM
Men expect to have sex with a cis female, tgs are not cis. Any man would get upset if this is not disclosed, some transphobic men will get violent. I always disclose and on Tinder I write that I am a post op tg. Be safe, be honest with your sexual partner and live long. Be proud of who you are, a tg female, cos you can never be a cis female.

I agree with this statement.

Everyone has a right to run their own lives and relationships how they see fit. I think it is borderline disrespectful to say your way is the only way and insist that everyone follow your rules. We are all individuals and every relationship is different.

I don't think we can be cis women in that we don't have ovaries and can't carry (yet). I honestly don't think majority of the people we meet need to know we're trans. A lot of dysphoria is wanting to fit into society as a female (or male for ftms) effortlessly. I understand cis and trans are different in terms of biology, but so are intersex. At the end of the day, we're human and my self worth is more important than a tinder hook up. It comes down to the individual standards.

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I have been upfront right away with the men I have been with and most recently my Fiance. I just feel like that is such an important part of my life that a guy I may plan on becoming intimate with in the future should know about it. If they don't like it right from the start then I don't have to worry about anything. If they are fine with it then I know they are fine with who I am and they are worth moving forward with.

Quote from: RoRo on May 07, 2018, 07:47:22 PM
I have been upfront right away with the men I have been with and most recently my Fiance. I just feel like that is such an important part of my life that a guy I may plan on becoming intimate with in the future should know about it. If they don't like it right from the start then I don't have to worry about anything. If they are fine with it then I know they are fine with who I am and they are worth moving forward with.

Hi RoRo,                08 May 2018

Fantastic attitude and policy. You can't go wrong doing it your way; hope others will follow your lead. You are a winner.

Your Avatar indicates you are a very beautiful young lady.

Best Always,
Christine

Quote from: christinej78 on May 08, 2018, 12:21:53 AM
Hi RoRo,                08 May 2018

Fantastic attitude and policy. You can't go wrong doing it your way; hope others will follow your lead. You are a winner.

Your Avatar indicates you are a very beautiful young lady.

Best Always,
Christine

Thank you so much Christine. I have always felt that being honest and upfront especially in a matter like this is something very important. It has worked out for me. 


Also thank you so much for the compliment.

Hugs, Raquel

As most things in life this isn't black and white.  A transphobe could become violent if you tell him the first time you meet him.  Just talking to you, could shatter his fragile male ego.

I would suggest you really have to try as best you can to find out who you're associating with before you disclose or consider having sex with them.  This is probably just as true for cisfemales.  They're are violent men who just want to beat them up too. 

I think the first rule should be test the person over and over again before telling them.  If you're unsure after that, then walk away quickly.

It would probably be useful to have a thread on the best ways to test a potential partner before disclosing the truth.

Be safe everyone,
Paige :)

Quote from: Paige on May 08, 2018, 12:08:20 PM
As most things in life this isn't black and white.  A transphobe could become violent if you tell him the first time you meet him.  Just talking to you, could shatter his fragile male ego.

I would suggest you really have to try as best you can to find out who you're associating with before you disclose or consider having sex with them.  This is probably just as true for cisfemales.  They're are violent men who just want to beat them up too. 

I think the first rule should be test the person over and over again before telling them.  If you're unsure after that, then walk away quickly.

It would probably be useful to have a thread on the best ways to test a potential partner before disclosing the truth.

Be safe everyone,
Paige :)

I totally understand where you are coming from and I agree with you that those people are out there. When I indulge this information in a meeting it is literally the first encounter. So all of these men have approached me in a club  or cafe where I not only had friends with me but also many other people were there. I highly doubt someone is going to get violent in a club with huge bouncers unless they want to go to jail. I would never indulge this information with a stranger if we were alone(safety first).

As for me, I don't have to worry about it anymore because I am engaged to a wonderful man who I did tell right upfront  and we are starting our planning for a 2019 wedding.

Quote from: RoRo on May 08, 2018, 12:57:39 PM
I totally understand where you are coming from and I agree with you that those people are out there. When I indulge this information in a meeting it is literally the first encounter. So all of these men have approached me in a club  or cafe where I not only had friends with me but also many other people were there. I highly doubt someone is going to get violent in a club with huge bouncers unless they want to go to jail. I would never indulge this information with a stranger if we were alone(safety first).

As for me, I don't have to worry about it anymore because I am engaged to a wonderful man who I did tell right upfront  and we are starting our planning for a 2019 wedding.

Congrats Roro! Your success story makes me happy! And I definitely agree with your view on this.

Quote from: RoRo on May 08, 2018, 12:57:39 PM
I totally understand where you are coming from and I agree with you that those people are out there. When I indulge this information in a meeting it is literally the first encounter. So all of these men have approached me in a club  or cafe where I not only had friends with me but also many other people were there. I highly doubt someone is going to get violent in a club with huge bouncers unless they want to go to jail. I would never indulge this information with a stranger if we were alone(safety first).

As for me, I don't have to worry about it anymore because I am engaged to a wonderful man who I did tell right upfront  and we are starting our planning for a 2019 wedding.

Hi RoRo,            08 May 2018

You are on the money, right on target. Directness saves a lot of time. What's the point in dealing with someone a half dozen times or more just to find out they're jerks. Doesn't compute when one direct encounter will expose them.

It's really up to the individual to decide. I still like your way and will stick with it. There will always be jerks out there so everyone needs to be careful. If you have a bad feeling in your gut, run; that feeling is there for a reason.

Best Always,
Christine

Nicky & Christine, Thank You. I think being upfront and honest out of the gate keeps from trouble down the way. I do however would always say safety in this area is highly important so bringing this out is always important with friends and others in the area.

I have always been of the mindset when I was growing up that if I was honest with my parents they were going to find out or already knew. For example my Senior Year in High School I attended a party and got out of this world drunk. I stayed over my friends house that evening but at dinner that evening the first thing out of my parents mouth was how was it getting pass out drunk last night. I was astonished on how they knew. They always seemed to know. So I am always upfront and honest with everyone because my mindset is they will find out in the future.

I'm with RoRo on this. Heck, I disclose that I am trans to group leaders before joining meet ups.   

The last thing I want is to be miles into a hike with a violent and triggered transphobe. Not Fun!


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Quote from: Michelle_P on May 08, 2018, 05:48:56 PM
I'm with RoRo on this. Heck, I disclose that I am trans to group leaders before joining meet ups.   

The last thing I want is to be miles into a hike with a violent and triggered transphobe. Not Fun!


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I can understand that for sure. I think if you bring it out in a safe space you will be fine.

Quote from: Ellement_of_Freedom on May 07, 2018, 06:33:01 PM
Everyone has a right to run their own lives and relationships how they see fit. I think it is borderline disrespectful to say your way is the only way and insist that everyone follow your rules. We are all individuals and every relationship is different.

Thank you, I absolutely agree with the above, but it's good to hear success stories like RoRo, many have posted saying they would disclose upfront and everything turns out wonderful, but it not always turns out this way, so if you decide to disclose on a first date and meeting well maybe post in the future and let us know how it turns out, experience will tell.
Maybe I've just been unlucky, I never got pass a first date when I disclosed I was trans, so then I never disclosed on 1 night stands, I disclosed to a guy after we dated for several months and he dumped me, I wasn't a ''real woman'' bla bla bla
I finally got lucky when I met my future husband, we dated for over a year, then 1 night he proposed and surprised me with a diamond solitaire engagement ring, I was overwhelmed, when a boyfriend wants me to become his wife, it was my time to disclose, I thought it would come crashing down, he didn't show anger but was very shocked and didn't believe me at first, but I felt a great sense of relief, at last he finally knows, he went for counselling, we got engaged and got married, on our wedding day I remember he whisper in my ear ''always remember you are a very special girl'' I started to cry lol and he said ''go ahead, have a good cry sweetie, all brides cry on their wedding day''
There is no ideal disclosing situation, whatever a person decides to disclose, be prepared for rejection and ridicule, disclose in a safe environment, and whatever ye decide is the right decision and choice for YOU!!!!

What's the difference disclosing the first encounter, a few dates/meeting or a year after a relationship? The only thing I can think of is the other person and circumstances. Those 2 factors don't rely on each other but I think what I call "circumstance" or "waiting until x amount of time" plays a factor. Of course a transphobe misogynist maybe not take well to the news, especially a few months after... But I also think there's risk of (typically) men wanting sex too soon when they find out someone is trans.
This is just my take on things and of course everyone should do what feels right for them.

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