Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been in relationships pre-op and talked to many guys but none of them stood out until this one. I actually really enjoy him and we click. No physical contact yet apart from kissing. He wants a long distance relationship and I know he thinks I'm worth it because I haven't had sex with him yet.

Thing is, I pass completely and I'm afraid of losing him.

When I was pre-op, I would usually tell guys straight up. With my last boyfriend, I told him after a month of being friends after we started to get into each other and he was completely okay with it. The boyfriend before that, I told him about a few hours into talking. I was pre-op then but I'm post op now and I don't know how guys would react.

What should I do? I know many girls date completely stealth and just don't tell about their trans history but I don't know if I can be comfortable with that.. just a guilt thing

On one hand, I have close guy friends that say it shouldn't matter because I'm post-op now and any guy that can't accept my trans past probably didn't have good intentions anyways. On the other, I still feel like guys see me differently after they know even though I pass completely and have a vagina.

I think you should wait until things progress, or at least until after sex. Let him see you for you without looking through a trans lens.

I defer to others with more experience than I (given I have none), but I feel like I would have to tell my significant other eventually.  I'm obviously not happy about the fact I was born male, but that is a major part of my life.  It would feel very dishonest to me to hide something like that.

As to when that should happen, I don't know if there really is a right answer.  I would be inclined to share prior to sex, for what it's worth.

Way up front for me. If someone so much as asked me out for a coffee, I'd say "I'd like that, but let's jump in the Delorean and go back fifteen seconds in time so I can tell you that I'm transgender before you ask about the coffee."  :)

That's how I roll. No sense spending time with someone who may have personal or moral issues with dating transgender people.

I spill right away. There's nothing like being with someone who knows you, knows your past, gets you and loves you anyway. No good relationship starts in secrets. I like to disclose all the important stuff as soon as it's appropriate—with potential deal breakers, that's right away.

And guess what? You can have healthy relationships with people who know you're trans from the get-go. I've loved plenty and been loved plenty. And I never had to pretend that when I was born the doctor said "it's a girl!"

Another vote for honesty.   Being trans is part of your history-if you don't tell that part of your life will become a series of lies.  Plus sooner or later he will find out and feel as if you have been dishonest.  It's better to tell early-before intimacy. 

I disagree that not telling him amounts to being dishonest, sure you can say it's an omission and guess what? People make choices about what they tell prospective, new and even long term partners.

Everyone needs to make their own choices in this and i think especially if you're playing in the straight world, being out as trans probably narrows your dating pool at the very best by a factor of 10, probably more like 100.

Here's a link to one of our members' experience who's tried both disclosing and not.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=237135.msg2133623;topicseen#msg2133623

Also in that thread you'll find a story of a trans woman who's got fashion model looks and still finds she has to contend with impact on her relationships and sorting out T' ->-bleeped-<-s.

The only thing I think about disclosing is to use it for your own safety and in that again, there's no one right answer.

My personal choice (in which passing isn't a realistic option) is to socialize primarily in queer space.

You must really decide how far this relationship will go. I have found that many men will accept a casual relationship, but do have problems with a close, personal relationship. Definitely tell him before you have sex.

Just take a deep breath and tell him. You may lose him, but a relationship based on secrets is no relationship at all.

Never does it make sense to tell him after you have sex. It just doesn't.
And it is a heavy possibility that you may face retaliation in the typical physical man fashion.

Some people can not get passed the fact that we where otherwise in the past. Do not play with that.

If you are just dating, there is no reason to tell him.

On the other hand, if you are seriously planning for a long-term relationship / marriage, your spouse would reasonably expect to know major stuff from your past.  You would have difficulty talking about your childhood, for example, without his finding out that you are trans.  Meeting family would be similarly problematic.  For those reasons, I think it would be better to tell him if this is the kind of relationship that you anticipate.

If you decide to tell him (and that is a decision only you can make), consider your own safety when you tell him.  The longer you have been together when you tell him, the more likely he is to become angry about it.  Make the revelation in a public place, such as a busy restaurant.  Have an escape plan.

I think what bugs me about this whole conversation is the reason WHY people feel the need to keep their past a secret...I can't think of one that sits well with me. Because it's icky? Because it makes you less of a woman? Neither of those things sit well with me.

And if you want to say "it's just none of his business," well, yeah, it kinda is. Because that's part of deciding on a partner. I'll agree it isn't necessarily dishonest...but is deceitful because you want to be seen as something you aren't: cis instead of trans. When you're a woman either way.

I've been in love like crazy. And anyone who knows what real love is knows that there is too much that you talk about, too many deep conversations that happen to keep this hugely important part of your life a secret.

Sure. Little stuff. Fudge your weight a few pounds. No problem. Stuff like that. But even taking aside the fact that he's entitled to know about a potential dealbreaker—it IS for some guys, whether we like it or not—YOU deserve to have him know. You deserve to know he's with you 100% — not on the condition you were assigned female at birth.

YOU deserve to have a guy who looks at you, who knows all your dirty little secrets and still thinks you're the best thing he's ever seen. I've known girls to keep this secret and it always comes out. Almost always. Sooner beats the hell out of later.

Quote from: yayo on May 07, 2018, 07:56:02 AM
I've been in love like crazy. And anyone who knows what real love is knows that there is too much that you talk about, too many deep conversations that happen to keep this hugely important part of your life a secret.

Yayo, you phrased it much better than I could have.

Waaay back when I was a secretive CD, I fell head over heels in love with one particular young lady I had been dating and sensed the feeling was mutual. Having disclosed my secret to one other woman I knew with disastrous results, I knew the risk of disclosure was real but felt that this lady would, conceivably, be a bit more receptive.

The evening I told her, she was visibly shaken and upset; when we parted, I had no idea if I would ever see her again. I was all but blown away when she called the next day and asked she could come over; the surprise was she wanted to see and meet my "alter ego." Long story short, she was extremely supportive. It was she who named me Susan and, a few years later, realized before I that CDing just wasn't enough...

No, disclosure is never comfortable but trying to live a lie and hide it is just tempting major torment and heartbreak.

Hugs
Susan

I've changed my ideas about stealth. I'd tell him before the first date. Always. It's not fair to him to not let him decide, I don't want to get beat up, and if he still wants to, I know he accepts me.

Quote from: yayo on May 07, 2018, 07:56:02 AM
I think what bugs me about this whole conversation is the reason WHY people feel the need to keep their past a secret...I can't think of one that sits well with me. Because it's icky? Because it makes you less of a woman? Neither of those things sit well with me.

....
I'll agree it isn't necessarily dishonest...but is deceitful because you want to be seen as something you aren't: cis instead of trans. When you're a woman either way.
....

YOU deserve to have a guy who looks at you, who knows all your dirty little secrets and still thinks you're the best thing he's ever seen. I've known girls to keep this secret and it always comes out. Almost always. Sooner beats the hell out of later.

No, the right time is better than too soon or too late. What that time is is simply different for different relationships.

No it's not *icky*. The trouble is when your potential partner (or family or friend .. ) think's it / you are icky. Unfortunately this is still the majority of people.

You can't have it both ways, if it's dishonest then it's deceitful, they're synonyms. Strong relationships are built in part on having boundaries. Lack of boundaries is what generally results in co-dependence and a host of other relationship ills. And why today would a person assume that anyone is cis or trans? sure lots of people do, that doesn't make it right or acceptable. People make assumptions about others on all kinds of things like this like whether they're straight, gay, bi etc. Those assumptions are also not generally helpful, healthy or productive.

I'm absolutely not sorry about not having a whit of sympathy for someone who would judge a person for being trans vs cis, yes including after forming a bond or having sex. Is that sort of judgement a societal norm? Yes it is and that doesn't make it right. That in turn is also why there are difficulties and risks going either way. Accomit'smodating cissexist assumptions and privilege is something we all get stuck with and we all have the right to choose which battles to fight and which to step aside from.

Racism homophobia were wrong and while they're both far less common now than a few decades back they're also not gone yet. Transphobia sits today about where homophobia was 15 years ago.

p.s. I'm absolutely wearing my activist hat in this discussion however my personal relationships hat is equally important. I'm never, nor am I advocating anything but personal choice and those choices have to factor in safety.

I also believe is saying it from the get go, honesty is the basis of all relationships. Period.

You need to let him know....this could go sideways if you dont.

I told every guy i dated and im pre op, but regardless even if i was post op then before i got married i woukd have told them because your always going to have a wierd feeling, but no matter how much aomeone passes eventually a guy qill notice aonething different and auspect something so i say tell him so it doesnt risk getting awkward later.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on May 07, 2018, 01:44:28 PM
I also believe is saying it from the get go, honesty is the basis of all relationships. Period.

You're so cute girlie[emoji173]any guy will be lucky to be with you..

So I'm getting over a lot of shame within myself. And I have to agree with Yayo, Charlie Nicki, Mako and everyone else.
I'm not going through hrt and transitioning to confirm and appease others. If I wanted to do that, I'd probably be 6 feet under.
I may not tell him my first breath or even day 1, but yeah, it's something to share...

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

This is just the way I have also done it  through post op as I never had more than friendships with guys pre op. I always told them I was born a male right away. After the initial eyes popping out of their heads they stare at me in disbelief for a minute or two. I then tell them it is true and they 99% of the time say it does not matter. With the man who I am with and became my Fiance back last November I told him right off. He was amazing and said these words to me that I will never forget. " Looking at your outward beauty attracted me to you and I knew you were special. Now I want to get to know that inner beauty that is in you." He literally almost made me cry with one of the first things he said to me. He has been saying those things to me ever since and treating me like a Princess everyday. Now we are engaged and planning a 2019 wedding.

I think it depends on the relationship, if its causal, then don't bother, but if its long term.. then you owe the person the truth.

Me, I told my husband when we started dating. I was post op when we met. It was difficult. I met him at a wedding, it was suppose to be a one night thing. We had sex (My first time as a post op woman) and we parted ways with the intention of never seeing each other again. Then 3 months later we met again at a dinner party and basically the rest was history. We started dating shortly after that.

How he took it, well actually really well. HE was really shocked and we chatted about it for a long time (like all night). He told me, he never suspected a thing, even when we had sex. But he accepted it, as he really liked me and he said he saw me as a woman. Maybe I was lucky

Quote from: Allison S on May 07, 2018, 07:15:01 PM
You're so cute girlie[emoji173]any guy will be lucky to be with you..

So I'm getting over a lot of shame within myself. And I have to agree with Yayo, Charlie Nicki, Mako and everyone else.
I'm not going through hrt and transitioning to confirm and appease others. If I wanted to do that, I'd probably be 6 feet under.
I may not tell him my first breath or even day 1, but yeah, it's something to share...

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Love you girl!!!

Ahh! So many conflicting opinions! I just think it's crazy how men can go from seeing me as "out of their league" and so laid back, funny, and exciting to suddenly not wanting anything to do with me. It's so awkward navigating any serious relationship when no straight cis man has ever had to deal with anything LGBT in their life!

Quote from: ashw on May 12, 2018, 04:35:37 PM
Ahh! So many conflicting opinions! I just think it's crazy how men can go from seeing me as "out of their league" and so laid back, funny, and exciting to suddenly not wanting anything to do with me. It's so awkward navigating any serious relationship when no straight cis man has ever had to deal with anything LGBT in their life!

I feel the reason some, if not a majority, of straight cis men have problems with those in our community it is we are out and far beyond their scope of comprehension. It's far easier to run or bash the unknown than to face it head on as we here have; anything LGBT is, as you said, "out of their league." I think its because either they have never experienced the "Q" part of the anachronym or if they did, they were scared by their inner feelings.

There is also a theory that all men are fickle... :)

Susan

Well being lgbtq isn't a label that people are dying to be part of. I mean there are trenders I'm sure, but majority of people really don't even give it much thought. It just comes with the territory. If you expect straight cismen to accept to you fully, be prepared for the reality that some may not... It's not ideal obviously

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Unless I was just hooking up, I probably wouldn't keep my transness a secret. It's a huge part of my life, and in addition to honesty being a good policy in relationships, I don't even want to keep it a secret. Sure, being trans is kind of horrible in all kinds of ways, but you know what, I've transitioned, and it was really hard, but now I kind of want to hold on to that like a trophy, like "this is my determination, this is how important it is to me that I identify as female" and if my partner isn't willing to accept me after I've shown such strength, it never would have worked out anyway. They just have too many hangups. If they have problems with your physical body, like if you're pre-op, and they made some false assumptions about what sex would be like, it really can't be helped much, and you just have to hope for someone down the line who will find you attractive and love you regardless.