Susan's Place Transgender Resources

ive been thinking about suicide....
i hate myself.

im not going to....
i want 2.

im not up for emotional useless blah, im never opening up and im not satisfied closed and hiding.
i need professional help, but ive been acting happy in front of my parents, they would think im joking, they wouldnt pay anything.... i hate myself. i want to kill myself. i dont want to face another person.
thank you nice peoples.

Generally speaking, never say never.

Why not open up and at least try to make life better?

Besides, don't write off your parents before you've talked to them. Very rare are the ones who truly don't care.

Smile, seriously.

Write a letter to your parents or tell them in person.

But DON'T wimp out before you've at least tried... you owe it to yourself and your family to at least do that much.

i wouldnt be able to face my parents again.... im scared out of my mind....
my mom has a way of thinking, and yes she cares, but she will still show hate....

If i say one thing, im saying it all, about me and my lifestyle to the reason i found this forum, to the fact im a depressed psycho teen.

FEAR! FEAR! FEAR! I WANT TO SLAM FEAR AGAINST A WALL.
i want my head slammed against the wall....
i dont care, i wanna be free of this all, this is not right.

i dont care. no need to be nice anymore. no need to be friendly anymore. no need to be anything anymore. i dont care what anybody thinks unless its involved in this for all other things are sand hills compared to these mountains.

i just dont care anymore. i love people, but people will never like me as a person, after all the times ive tried and ive tried to be what they consider normal and i hide and its just not worth and if i tell them i would be a complete loser to everyone.

I hate the world that tries to get close to me, im always hiding and they be always peaking....
im a wimp, sure whatever. i am. thats it. im just a wimp so why am i needed? im just always going to be scared so blah.

          Talk to someone. Talking about transgendered issues is not emotional useless blah. This is a physical birth defect not a emotional defect. There is nothing to be ashamed of, it's not your fault, it's no ones fault it just is.  I do think your parents would understand if they had the facts.  Write a letter, include lots of facts, do research then give it to them. It worked for me and my family and just might for you. Hold on for a while, things are going to get lots better I promise.


beth

You need to talk with someone right now.

You are who you are. 

NO ONE is at fault!  Especially you!

You have done NOTHING WRONG!

Suicide is not a way out. 

Here are some toll-free numbers you can call.

National Hopeline Network - 1-800-784-2433

National suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255

Covenant House - 1-800-999-9999

The Trevor HelpLine - 1-800-850-8078 (for gay & questioning youths)

Please call and talk with someone!  Right now! 

When you get a chance, leave a note saying that you did or didnot talk with someone.

There are close to 500 billion stars in our galaxy.  Over a 100 billion galaxies in this universe.  ANd no matter where you go, you will find that there is only One of You!  Take good care of that One.  Take good care of you!

Your sister,

Chaunte

Hang in there, Julie!  I know it seems hopeless from where you're sitting right now but believe me, I've been there too and isn't as bleak as it seems.

Chaunte is right -

CALL SOMEONE AND TALK TO THEM RIGHT AWAY! 

Talking with someone, sometimes anyone, honestly and openly will take a huge load off.  It works!  Don't get so wrapped up in such a thick cloud of misery that you can't see straight anymore.

And PLEASE, send us a note when you can.  Just venting on-line the way you did will help ease the pressure.  And remember,  we'll be here waiting to support you as best we can .  .   .    .

helen

You are not alone we are here. do make that phone call and talk with someone about it. You must take head of these feelings and pick up the phone and call these #'s  toll-free numbers you can call.

National Hopeline Network - 1-800-784-2433

National suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255

Covenant House - 1-800-999-9999

The Trevor HelpLine - 1-800-850-8078 (for gay & questioning youths)

Please call and talk with someone!  Right now!

Do come back and leave us a note your ok... and have talked to someone on these #'s.

I'm am praying for god to show you how to gett through all this and that he will help you find the right words to convince your family what needs to be.

Praying for you,
Peggiann

Please Please Please talk to someone, Make a phone call. SUICIDE is not a option AT ALL.
Your Parents DO CARE believe me. All of us here at Susan's care, Read the replys.
Call one of the numbers Peggiann has given you.
I am sure that all of here have thought that we were a freak. but that is not the Truth.
I lost a friend last year to suicide. He held a shot gun to his head. His wife and kids,and all of his friends are still to this day devisated.

If you need to talk to someone my e-mail is in my profile, I check it everyday please write if you need to talk

Brandi 

Brandi The #'s actually came from Chaunte.
Yes I did copy and paste these #'s over again. One can tell from the seriousness of this Persons posts that this calling for help is needed. It's like watching commercials on TV. How many times do you see them and then finally act? This person didn't need to have to go back tracking for the #'s. Time is important in a crises of this nature. The inkling of a second can make them call and having to re hunt the #'s could cause them to not call. To me that was reason enough to repeat cut and paste. If I plegerized on someones copie right of what they said, saving a life is more important and the one posting the #'s I'm sure didn't care. Working in our local Crises and Domestic Violence Center I am all to aware of how desperately the #'s need to be repaeted and how the split secand can make all the difference.

Smiles,
Peggiann

I will agree with all the comments, talking with others does help to relieve the immediate feelings.

It is important to do a live chat, an email, or a phone call.

Sarah L.

One thing I did a couple times when I was feeling suicidal is I logged into chat here at susans and that helped a lot to share with other people who care.

Melissa

I know how you feel, because it sounds like how I used to think. You think that people won't accept you and reject you out of spite right? That all your friends will disappear? Don't, you are worried a little to much.

For one, i'm military, i've told plenty of people I felt needed to know. Each one of these people could have had me dishonorably discharged before the week was over. Thing is, they didn't, not one. In fact, even though they didn't even understand what it was exactly I was dealing with, they listened, and even tried to help.

My best friends have also listend, one being your typical by-the-bible girl. She not only accepts me, but is even willing to help me with my trasition.

My family was harder. Like your mom, my mom is very set in her thinking. Unsuprisingly she rejected the idea right off, along with my dad. But as time goes on she sends me letters, even insperational storys that shows me she is slowly coming to accept the idea. I'd would have been worried if she HAD just accepted this.

Just slow down, take a breath, then take another. We all know how hard this is going for you, so let us help. Many times I felt like there was no hope, so I turned to the wonderful and often wise people on this site.

As my grandmother said, "If you quite, you never see the ending." If you give up on life, you give up on every hope of achiving your dreams. So again, slow down, get some sleep, tomarrow is another day.

Youre not alone on this subject, Im sure there have been many and will be many who feel the same as you.
You do feel useless and unwanted and rejected and guilty and all those other little ugly things that make your mind race at a hundred miles an hour but guess what this is the way your brain deals with supression. It gets rid of the hurt, anger, emotions and other crap by spitting the dummie. I suffer from severe depression over my hiding away my feelings for 36 years and to make matters worse I still feel a lot of guilt that maybe I should just stay the way people want me to be cause it is all too hard. Confusion sets in and all kinds of troubles appear. Am I making any sense cause this morning I woke up and felt exactly the same way you feel. Even after I came out things got worse but only in my head and so I saw a therapist but things still havent changed. Are you seeing the bigger picture here, it is all in your head and understanding that help you to get by so that you can deal with it bit by bit until one day your mind can accept it and say you know what I dont care who knows, I dont care how they feel about it cause I am me and I am beautiful and I will not be brought down by anyone including my family. I will hold my head high and learn to deal with things as they arise. I will not let that ugly word death have control over me and I will not think of all the bad things that lead me to think about death. I will cry my heart out, I will scream out loud but I will not give in. I am strong.

Everytime you feel depressed get online and write your feelings in a post. Let us help you and when you are ready see a proffessional. The money thing can be worked out as long as you talk it over with the therapist.

Big Hugs,

Sara.

Chickenmanfred
Been keeping a eye out for you on posts and chat. Haven't heard anything form you after Feb 13
Please let us know how you are doing

Hugs
Brandi

hey chickenmanfred!Sometimes the right way is not  easier...as I said often people take part of your soul and rare incorporate part of theirs in you..just never never give up...someone Will reply on your story..just give them a chance...maybe true friends are standing by you...maybe not so close..maybe on the other part of world BUT they think on u and feel u  ;)...

I like that Andre, very much.

---

P.s. Please note that you can see the last log in of someone in their profile.

Quote from: Peggiann on February 14, 2006, 10:20:17 AM
Brandi The #'s actually came from Chaunte.
Yes I did copy and paste these #'s over again. One can tell from the seriousness of this Persons posts that this calling for help is needed. It's like watching commercials on TV. How many times do you see them and then finally act? This person didn't need to have to go back tracking for the #'s. Time is important in a crises of this nature. The inkling of a second can make them call and having to re hunt the #'s could cause them to not call. To me that was reason enough to repeat cut and paste. If I plegerized on someones copie right of what they said, saving a life is more important and the one posting the #'s I'm sure didn't care. Working in our local Crises and Domestic Violence Center I am all to aware of how desperately the #'s need to be repaeted and how the split secand can make all the difference.

Smiles,
Peggiann

Peggiann,

Please copy the phone numbers all you want!!!!!!!  Your reasoning is impecable.

I will admit that I am becoming a little concerned about CMF...

Chaunte

Update:  I checked and saw that Chidkenmanfred was logged on today.  I sent him a message asking him to post to simply let us know that everything is alright.

yes, everything is ok. to be honest, ive been a little scared to respond. ive been reading everything. thank you so much. im writing everything into songs and poems and slowly sending them to my mom by email. ive just moved with her, in a way knowing she would be more accepting than my dad. she knows im involved with music. IM FINE.  ;D    im sorry to bother you all. i just still see that death is the only way out and not worrying of being accepted besides hiding, but right at this moment im not how i was starting this post. thank you all. i probly would of killed myself if i hadnt got a response.... im sorry... i promise ill try my best not to get that bad again, but in all honesty, i probly will. thank you. i just hope my mom is ok with it all. if she isnt, she isnt. please dont worry about me anymore. nothing is wrong. thank you. bye.

Chickenmanfred,

A lot of us are breathing a bit easier knowing that you are still with us!

You are not a bother.  Many of us are just as confused about who and what we are.  Self acceptance takes time!  This is one reason a lot of us, myself included, are in therapy.

That's the great thing abut the people here at Susans.  We do care.  We worry.  We hold each other's hand and give a kick in the butt when its needed.  We do this because we are all in this together.

I hope you mom understands.  Give it time.

When you find yourself in a funk again, please talk with us!  Or, if your thoughts are starting to get very dark and destructive, call someone.  Please!  Call 911 and they will connect you immediately with a ready and willing ear to talk with.

You are no bother and we do worry.  That's because we care.

Peace,

Chaunte

I absolutely agree with Chaunte,

Never think yourself a bother and please don't feel afraid to talk to us. I know from personal experience that the lovely people here can help with your thinking. Everyone here at Susan's is part of our family and as with anyone in our family we worry.

Shelley

Its so good to see your still around.
And like Chaunte said (I'm saying this loud) YOU ARE NOT A BOTHER. We are here to help each other.
Susans was made for support and help
Anytime you need to talk or get something off your chest we are here.
And remember you are not a bother you are now family

Your Big Sister
Brandi

I'm so so glad to read your post, Julie, now I can exhale.  There's no need to apologize, it was no bother at all and, if you ever get the chance to help someone else, you'll jump right in there, I'm sure.

I know personally how things can start to look hopeless and I've come through those periods enough times to know that as long as I'm breathing there's hope somewhere.  I may not be able to see it but I know it's there.

Keep sending us your posts, If you're PO'd blow off some steam if you have to, that's why the PMS zone was created.  If you need advice, send a post or a PM.  You have a lot of big sisters here that would jump for a chance to help and I'd like to consider myself one of them.

Hang in there, you'll get thru,
helen

Yes it's good to hear (read) that you are doing better.
Don't let things get that bad again. Come tell us how your thinking and feeling. When you keep things inside they just keep going round and round and growing bigger and bigger until you can think of anthing else. So don't let it happen again come talk to us Julie.
As Chaunte said

QuoteYOU ARE NOT A BOTHER. We are here to help each other. Susans was made for support and help
Anytime you need to talk or get something off your chest we are here.
And remember you are not a bother you are now family

We need each other that's why we are here.
I've been here reading this posting and now I put my two cents in.
Julie girl I'm here for you alone with the rest of the family here at Susan's.
Someone is always here to listen 24 7.
Jillieann

I am part of this online family (one that knows my deepest secrets). That has to be the best ive ever felt in a long time from reading that. thank you so much. you all are so kind. I wish so bad that I could repay each and every one of you for all the good you have done. thank you so much.

Glad to read your back with us,

I want to encourage you to share the links to the reference library and the Wiki with your Mom. She'll need them for researching and accepting it all and how to help you accept yourself.

Those emails are major steps. Follow through with educational material for her is also important now.

Do stay in touch never be afraid to post no matter what your experienceing. All of us here as you have been told by others will not stop worrying over another that has shared such deep parts of themselves with us.

Smiles,
Peggiann

Quote from: chickenmanfred on February 17, 2006, 02:50:21 PM
I am part of this online family (one that knows my deepest secrets). That has to be the best ive ever felt in a long time from reading that. thank you so much. you all are so kind. I wish so bad that I could repay each and every one of you for all the good you have done. thank you so much.

Hello there,

I would just like to add to what others have said and that it is good to see you here.  The other issue I would like to address is that there is "NO" repayment required.  The very fact that you are here is payment enough,

The very fact that you are here is payment enough
The very fact that you are here is payment enough
The very fact that you are here is payment enough
The very fact that you are here is payment enough
The very fact that you are here is payment enough

Sorry it's my version of the broken record technique :)

But seriously there are no debts owed, there is no interest charged, we all do what we do because we care about you. :) A movie that comes to mind is called "Pay it Forward" (I think)

I would venture that many here have experienced the same dark moments you have.  I know that I have contemplated it, and I believe that to contemplate that is OK. It's all part of the choices that we have and that we have to decide on.

Quote from: chickenmanfred on February 15, 2006, 10:30:09 PM
yes, everything is ok. to be honest, ive been a little scared to respond. ive been reading everything. thank you so much. im writing everything into songs and poems and slowly sending them to my mom by email. ive just moved with her, in a way knowing she would be more accepting than my dad. she knows im involved with music. IM FINE.  ;D    im sorry to bother you all. i just still see that death is the only way out and not worrying of being accepted besides hiding, but right at this moment im not how i was starting this post. thank you all. i probly would of killed myself if i hadnt got a response.... im sorry... i promise ill try my best not to get that bad again, but in all honesty, i probly will. thank you. i just hope my mom is ok with it all. if she isnt, she isnt. please dont worry about me anymore. nothing is wrong. thank you. bye.

And while we are at it you don't have to at all sorry, and please don't promise us anything.  The most important thing is you, not us, we are here to help, you are there to live, and you have to live, with or without your mom.  I suffer because of the situation with my daughter, she is my only child, the most import treasure I have on this world.  But I have come to realize that she may never accept Stephanie and I can now "LIVE" with that.  It's is very hard I know but while Christians believe that god created heaven and earth in seven days, to expect others to evolve with us at the same pace is pushing things :)

I'm so glad you're here.

Give it time.

Steph

I know exactly where you're coming from...

I really wish there was a way to end life without me killing myself though. Oklahoma is so dangerous though... that right now I could just go freeze myself, but no that would be too painful and long... hehe freeze? In Oklahoma? Yes... believe it or not it's cold enough to freeze!

Okay... what am I talking about?! Don't ask. :D

but still, I hate my life as well. It's so hard you know? There really is no hope, because surgery is not enough for me... Just thinking that that is the closest to being myself makes me think...well...horrid thoughts.

I really haven't helped have I? Sorry. :'(

~Victoria~

You may find that 1000% perfect parts becomes less and less important as you age. ... In grade school I wanted a clone body or bust... so I did nothing.

Each of us is driven by different things. ... For some its acceptance, for others it's the form, still others it's the feeling. Most are a combination of these points. There is soo much more to this than just the body.

Take heart, its really not as bad as it seems.

Quote from: Kimberly on February 18, 2006, 12:08:34 AM
In grade school I wanted a clone body or bust... so I did nothing.

Hey.  Me too.  :D

Melissa

Know that each of us holds you close to our hearts.
Many of us have walked the same dangerous path that you have traveled.
Don't look back, look forward.
Stop only to help guide another safely along the path that you have traveled.
Save a spot close to your heart for those that you will help.

hugs
Kate

I know this is an old thread, but suicide is an everyday problem; some of us have been there and it is not a pretty place to be,
San Francisco has a hotline which is open 24/7:

Call the hotline     415-499-1100    24 hours a day

or you can visit this website if you live in San Francisco.

http://www.sfsuicide.org/index2.html

If you live in a different state, check out this link, it has different phone numbers where you may call if you are feeling suicidal.

http://suicidehotlines.com/


tinkerbell :icon_chick: