Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone! So much has been happening lately! I've been posting updates but they've been in various threads throughout the board so from here on out I will be posting everything in one place :) I figured that now is a good time to start a thread like this because I came out on facebook 2 weeks ago today and in 2 more days it will have been 10 months since I started HRT!

I'm going to break things down into sections to hopefully make this easier to read. It's going to be a long one, so please, if you quote this post, please go through and delete some of the text that's not related to your response, that will make things easier for everyone to read

Confidence:
My confidence has been up a lot since coming out! It does still get the best of me at times though. I used to be so nervous about going out in public, but now I just do it even if I feel like my outfit sucks or my makeup isn't good. I do feel nervous around guys, especially muscular ones, but I just look the other direction and not make eye contact. I know this isn't ideal but there's been a couple times where I've noticed some guys staring at me and looking kinda angry. I know HRT has made some girls more attracted to guys, but so far it's been the opposite for me. I used to need friends to be with me if I went out dressed up, but I've been doing a lot of stuff alone as Maddie lately and it's great progress! I'd go shopping alone and go into the dressing rooms and so far no issues! I've been around senior citizens and even a girl trying on a prom dress with her mom there and no one has made a fuss about my presence so far. I've used the women's bathroom a couple times but so far I've been alone when I was in there. I've gone out to eat a few times, sometimes with friends and sometimes alone and so far everyone at the restaurants has been professional and polite to me, same with going grocery shopping and clothing shopping. I've had a couple issues though...

Social:
So some of my friends have been doing great with the name so far, and a lot have been doing good with the pronouns, but there's been a lot of slip ups, a few of which I didn't say anything about but I think I'm going to have to. Last Thursday I went out with some friends for a coming out celebration and one of them kept gendering me as male, even when she would call me by my female name. There's another friend who upset me a little the other night too. First she complimented me on my outfit, then she asked if I picked it out myself... um, yeah, I can dress myself... Then a couple hours later she called me by my male name. I've gone to a few events since coming out. One was my friend's bridal shower. A lot of people there were super nice and friendly and would invite me to sit with them when I was off sitting alone, but there's a couple women there who I've known since I was 14 and neither one of them said a word to me the whole time. I even tried looking at one of them and smiling when I walked by but she wouldn't even look at me. Later that night I went to a punk show and saw people that I've known for years and everyone was nice to me. Last weekend was rough though. I had a nice meal at a restaurant for my friend's birthday, but then we went out to a bar for drinks after and I had a bad time and left early. I had 2 beers and a margarita, I caught a very minor buzz but I didn't get intoxicated, I knew 3 was going to be my limit for the night and it was a good stopping point. When I was at the bar though to get my last beer I noticed that there was a very drunk guy next to me starting at me. I didn't look over at him but that didn't stop him from talking to me. He was being very friendly, and not in a sexual way, his girlfriend was there, but he was very annoying and even though I was wearing makeup and carrying a purse he still saw me as a male. He asked for my name and I said Maddie but I guess he thought I was Matty, so from now on I think I will be introducing myself as Madeline. He also kept calling me bro. Ew. Shortly after that someone bought shots for everyone at the bar. I of course didn't drink mine, but I did get upset when the bartender was handing them out. I was standing next to a female friend of mine and he brought us our shots and he said "here you go ladies...", paused for a second, and then added "...and gentlemen". These few things hurt me, I left the house that night thinking that I looked good, I thought my outfit was cute and I thought I did a good enough job with my makeup. I was feeling good when I left, where as the day before I had issues because I thought I looked like a boy in makeup when I left the house.

Clothing:
I'm not having an easy time finding cute clothes. I have a few cute summery things but the weather's been all over the place lately and it's hard for me to wear stuff that's too revealing because my tan lines are so gross right now, I have a trucker tan that I've been trying to get rid of but it won't go away! I have this issue with jeans where I try on some 14s and they fit my legs great but my stomach hangs over the top a little, so I'd go up to a 16 and it fits around my stomach but then the legs are baggy, ugh! A lot of my wardrobe right now is very basic, I only have one pair of jeans and then a few v neck tees that I can wear. I do have leggings but I don't like to wear them at this time of year, and it's not exactly skirt weather here yet. I do have some cute skirts but I don't really have any tops that go with them. I've gone to most stores in my area... Penneys, TJ Maxx, Walmart, Target, Old Navy, Kohl's, Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, NY and Company, Bonton, and a few other stores in the mall that I forget, and I've looked online too at places like Modcloth and Lulu's, but I keep striking out! and I haven't really had much luck with shoes either! It's hard to find stuff in a 13W!

Grooming/makeup:
It was a lot easier before going full time! I have sensitive skin, so it hurts to shave my face every day, especially when the water at my new apartment doesn't get super hot, I can't get as close of a shave. I have electrolysis today so I didn't shave yesterday and I feel bad enough that I'm spending the day dressed as a male. Yesterday I did go out jogging as a female, it's hard to see my beard from far away, but the facial hair makes makes me feel bad. I've been getting better at eye makeup, I still can't do anything super fancy but I've gotten better at mascara for sure, but I still have to work on eyeliner, I just haven't been wearing that lately. I need to work on my foundation too, I have to focus on "less is more", when I wear a lot of concealer I think it actually makes my pores look bigger, and there's a few spots where it sweats off really easily, the worst being right under my nose. Another thing is my hair. Before when I'd dress as a girl I'd make it all curly and cute like in my profile pic, but for an every day casual look it's too time consuming. It doesn't look too flattering when I brush it out and wear it down, but then when I put it in a pony tail I feel like a boy, even when wearing makeup. I think if my hair wasn't thinning on top I'd be able to pull it off better, idk.

Family:
I've been getting closer with my older sister lately, which I really love, she's starting to confide things in me that she wouldn't have before. My mom is having a harder time, even though we've never been super close. She hasn't told anyone about my transition yet, so my younger sister doesn't know and my aunt and uncle on my mom's side don't know. My younger sister and I don't get along, but I have a feeling that she's going to hear about my transition through the grapevine if my mom doesn't say anything, we do have a few mutual acquaintances. As for my dad, he's at least apologizing when he calls me by my male name, unlike my mom. She doesn't say sorry, she just says it's gunna be hard to call me maddie. My dad is taking this a lot better than I thought, but I don't think he's told anyone yet. He has 2 brothers in town, one of which knows but I don't think the other one knows yet. The one that does know is because I'm friends with 2 of my cousins on facebook. He supports me though, and both his current and ex wives have sent me really sweet texts in support of me.

Apartment:
yay! Everything is pretty much done! I need more stuff to hang on the walls, but everything is set up and unpacked! I finally got to vacuum the other day! I really feel at home now, I love living here! There's a couple things I'd change about it, but overall I'm pretty happy

Work:
I've been slacking on the job hunt. I haven't worked in 2 and a half weeks now but I'm on unemployment so I'm covered financially for now. I do have a few odd jobs coming up, my friend's parents are having me paint their deck and my dad has some weekend work for me too, so that will help with my income. If I don't find a new job soon then I guess I can finish out the summer working construction. This will at least get me health insurance for next year and hopefully help me build my savings back up a little. My dad said he is still willing to work with me, but I won't be "out" while at work, and I know I already have an offer for a summer construction job with one company, so I might just suck it up a little while longer.

HRT:
Ok, so it's been 10 months now since I've started and honestly I don't think I'm where I want to be. at my last doctor visit my estrogen was around 63. He started me at a low dose and would add another pill to my prescription each time, but I'm at the point now where I don't think he wants to risk giving me any more... it seems like each time he adds it my estrogen goes up by 20, so my next visit in August I'm guessing I'll be somewhere in the low 80s. The goal is 100 to 200 though... Usually I feel a hormone surge a week or two after my dose gets increased, and I felt that about 3 weeks ago but I think it's passed. I was very emotional but I'm not anymore. I think my skin could still get softer and my body hair could still be thinner, and mentally I don't feel very feminine a lot of the time. I don't feel masculine though, I just kinda feel like nothing, it's weird. I don't know where to go from here, at my next visit should I ask my doctor about switching to injections? or maybe add progesterone? My testosterone has been below 20 for my last 2 visits, so that's low, which is great, but I want my estrogen levels to be higher!

I think that's all for now. I do wanna mention something though... today I got my first piece of mail that was addressed to Maddie. When I came out this girl I know from California asked me for my address because she wanted to send me something. It came today and I love it!
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32608972_139818473556429_4892466211163471872_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeGfVsgML0ygw6rLjl_2mkkHPhZlsgbZtUQy1Rl3IJwnPjFz_5QYDvY3lqbB5K_DdQ-kYifGAKb-Xl5egcCqC-m4_aJswnkoCCfAO-Dm17yoKQ&oh=dd0520476926620a350babaf802a5152&oe=5B4F7A62)

Maddie:   It is nice to see your new "Official Maddie Thread"  ...  I love what you did with the title !!!

What you stated is exactly the reason that I started my own "I Am the Hunted: Danielle Chronicles" thread...  Before I started my own thread I had updates and pics all around the Forums on various and miscellaneous postings and threads.   
Not only did it make it difficult for me to have continuity with my posts and updates but certainly those members that were trying to follow along with me were also having a difficult time of keeping current.

I think that you will enjoy your very own central thread for your updates about your life and about your transition progress.

Your very first post here is a great primer for not only you, but for your followers....
Please keep updates coming... along with some pictures too....
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Yeah Maddie!  Subscribed and following. :) I'm so happy you made your own thread.

Hugs,
         Chelsea

Yay Maddie! I love how you gave the current situation on so many things right off the bat in one post. It will make it easier to track your progress in these things from this point for sure. I will be a regular reader!


xoxoxo
Alyssa

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on May 15, 2018, 12:04:02 PM
Maddie:   It is nice to see your new "Official Maddie Thread"  ...  I love what you did with the title !!!

What you stated is exactly the reason that I started my own "I Am the Hunted: Danielle Chronicles" thread...  Before I started my own thread I had updates and pics all around the Forums on various and miscellaneous postings and threads.   
Not only did it make it difficult for me to have continuity with my posts and updates but certainly those members that were trying to follow along with me were also having a difficult time of keeping current.

I think that you will enjoy your very own central thread for your updates about your life and about your transition progress.

Your very first post here is a great primer for not only you, but for your followers....
Please keep updates coming... along with some pictures too....
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

aw, thanks! Yes, I am overdue for some pictures, my profile pic is from November, I need a new one! Maybe later this week :)

Quote from: Chelsea on May 15, 2018, 12:50:23 PM
Yeah Maddie!  Subscribed and following. :) I'm so happy you made your own thread.

Hugs,
         Chelsea

yay! thanks! also, idk how I missed it, but I just saw your thread! I need to catch up on it but I'm glad you had a good vocal lesson! That's something I need to work on as well

Quote from: Alyssa Bree on May 15, 2018, 01:16:56 PM
Yay Maddie! I love how you gave the current situation on so many things right off the bat in one post. It will make it easier to track your progress in these things from this point for sure. I will be a regular reader!


xoxoxo
Alyssa

Thanks! That post took me a while to write lol, I have a tendency to over think things but I like to gather my thoughts the best I can

Thank you Maddie for starting this thread of yours.   It is a wonderful way to have a record of achievements and set backs (they sometimes happen), and a way for us to join along.
I'll be watching for your updates!

Hugs and smiles, Jessica

Yup, a central thread helps a lot.

Glad to see you are progressing so well :)

I do not know the situation with your younger sister. Letting her know first hand will at least make her feel included in your life. Something like I have something I would like to share with you and I hope we can mend fences type of thing.

Hi @Maddie86 ,

  I am glad to see you making such good progress. Keep going so you can keep un entertained  in one place. Your's in one place... @Alaskan Danielle 's  in one place... @Jessica 's .... even mine in... ooops 2-4 places.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Maddie86 on May 15, 2018, 01:18:24 PM
aw, thanks! Yes, I am overdue for some pictures, my profile pic is from November, I need a new one! Maybe later this week :)

Oh, yes, we love pictures!  :eusa_dance:

alright, so I don't really wanna post these, but facial hair removal is part of  MTF transition, so I will include these pics. Yesterday was electrolysis day. I hate electrolysis day. The woman who does mine has commented before that I seem to have a high pain threshold, but I don't think that's the case anymore since my estrogen has been increased. About a month ago I had my doctor prescribe me a pain numbing cream, which has helped a bit, but it doesn't seem to last very long. I put it on an hour before my appointment, and I guess it works better if you put plastic wrap around it too. I tried that for the first time yesterday and it definitely made my face more numb, but once I took it off it didn't seem to last. I want to work on my mustache because that's where I have the most beard shadow, and unfortunately that's one of the most sensitive spots on the face, especially under the nose. When she first started yesterday I didn't feel it at all, great! a few minutes later though it was starting to wear off. Here's a pic I took before the appointment. I shaved Sunday night and my appointment was Tuesday at 5, so maybe 45 hours of growth... how long does everyone else grow theirs out for?
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32671976_140461873492089_5213421205863792640_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeFlIsziedn8pWEiuZPRLB4yIdXC_EkRTq-W2lpr-YTcWj4xvafEmsSkkBZiVQ85ENuNmJcVqJUAEqQdXwlCDvE8qDC9WZGfI8JtHn9e8poGyQ&oh=798fc7f1b6b12e82fa652d4cb27b27dc&oe=5B97E95F)
lots of dark hairs, ew. I hate electrolysis day because it's harder to hide the hair. Monday you couldn't see it too much, I was even confident enough to go out for a jog, but on the day of I felt gross enough where I had to present as male. I made some new appointments last week, so from here on out I will be having one appointment per month until January. There's times where I was doing 2 a month, but since I have a new apartment and I'm not working at the moment I'm limiting it to one. Here's the after pic:
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32588131_140461830158760_2541990138032947200_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeH2UneJX1CSgTewCS85xfpMezS28ZYW31boGvFB7TJIHgrVk_ah2FTrkfMZUZUoKG8HrmQBv3uB3I1pD7izTqJKexPO9H6U_i3tC73e8nTjXQ&oh=3937e051ce7b9b7e270fe2f5aa025589&oe=5B7D88BD)

I had her start the mustache and then she did a little under my lower lip, I think you can see where I had a few darker hairs there that are now gone. towards the end she did my cheeks since that spot isn't as sensitive. That seems to be her favorite spot to work because that's where I'm thinned out the most lol. Usually my sessions are an hour and a half to 2 hours, but last night was only one and it was a lot easier on me. I was really hoping she could get all the dark hairs in the spot under my nose gone last night, but unfortunately that's the only spot where they're still left! well there's a couple more in the mustache area, but hopefully next time we can have those dark ones just about gone... unless some of them grow back. I know she turned the intensity of the machine down at one point, so idk, if they grow back hopefully they're not as dark. My next session is like 5 weeks away, boo!

My landlord came over last night too. He knows about my transition but I didn't tell him before I came out on facebook. I figured he would be ok with it though, I've been friends with him since I was 15, so I've known him for almost 17 years now. He asked me how I wanted my name on the receipt for my rent check lol. I told him that I won't have my name legally changed for a while. The good news is that he fixed my hot water issue! Partially anyways... my water would just get warm, not hot, so shaving has been an issue, and when I would take a shower it would be warm enough but after 5 minutes the temperature would go down. I'll take a shower later tonight to test that out, but the water in my sink definitely gets warmer now! it turns out he had the water heaters at their lowest setting since no one was living here, so he turned them up a little bit and it seems to have helped, yay!

I think that's it for now. I might be seeing my mom tonight, I'll post an update if there's anything worth mentioning.

Your after pic looks a lot better than mine would have.  I looked like I'd been on the losing end of a fist-fight: my lip was swollen to twice its normal size!

For most of my face, I use the anesthetic cream, then cover it with plastic wrap and tape the edges to make it airtight.  I cover it with a double layer of gauze for insulation, then a second layer of plastic.  The gauze keeps the skin warm so it absorbs the cream better.

For my upper and lower lips, I go to the dentist and get shots.  My pain threshhold is low, and I'd go into orbit without the dental block.  I know, because she tried one or two hairs there before I learned to go to the dentist.

I grow mine out for three days.  It grows a lot slower than it used to, but three days seems to be adequate.  I've been going weekly for almost a year and a half, and I am beginning to see results.

ok, so a couple things...

first off, my new license came today!! I'm so excited! It does have my male name, which stinks, I can't change it for a while, but it does say F on it and I got a new pic! the new pic isn't very flattering, but at least it's me wearing makeup!

and the last thing... so I mentioned before that I don't get along with my younger sister. My mom came up  tonight and was saying how she would like me to try and get along with her better so we can have holidays and stuff together, and I told her I'm not opposed to it, I was never mean around her, I just kept to myself. I also told my mom that she was going to have to tell her about my transition soon. Then my mom said something very interesting... She said that a couple years ago my sister came up to her and said "Mom, there's a girl inside Kyle". what the heck!? How did she know? I never said anything to her and I always came off as mean, so I'm thinking she either heard me talking in my sleep one night and I said something or she snooped around my room when I wasn't there. Crazy.

Wow Maddie that last about your sister was pretty bazaar. She may have done some eavesdropping or snooping or she may have just saw it in you. Perhaps as sisters you two can get along better. I sure hope so for both of you sakes. And it would be cooool!

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Maddie86 on May 16, 2018, 04:46:54 PM
ok, so a couple things...

first off, my new license came today!! I'm so excited! It does have my male name, which stinks, I can't change it for a while, but it does say F on it and I got a new pic! the new pic isn't very flattering, but at least it's me wearing makeup!

and the last thing... so I mentioned before that I don't get along with my younger sister. My mom came up  tonight and was saying how she would like me to try and get along with her better so we can have holidays and stuff together, and I told her I'm not opposed to it, I was never mean around her, I just kept to myself. I also told my mom that she was going to have to tell her about my transition soon. Then my mom said something very interesting... She said that a couple years ago my sister came up to her and said "Mom, there's a girl inside Kyle". what the heck!? How did she know? I never said anything to her and I always came off as mean, so I'm thinking she either heard me talking in my sleep one night and I said something or she snooped around my room when I wasn't there. Crazy.

Congradulations Maddie...both on the thread and making it through another session of zapping....we all love it soooo much!! Familes are tough to deal with at times...what a thing for your sister to say...accurate, but a bit out of the blue. Hopefully she will be understanding of your transition.


Take care


Liz

What a wild thing for your sister to say! It definitely makes you wonder where that came from. Congratulations on the electrolysis. Simultaneously looking forward to it and not looking forward to it myself lol.


xoxoxo
Alyssa

Maddie, that's awesome about your sister. I hope you and her start getting along with each other now that your sisters. I think women can sense things like that better then men. My sister told me when I came out to her that "I knew something was up with you years ago, but didn't know what. " I'm enjoying following your thread.  :)

Hugs, 
          Chelsea

Hi everyone! I have a few things to write about!

So I've been picking up a little work here and there but it's nothing really on the books. My friend's parents hired me to paint their deck and I started a masonry job with my dad today. The painting job is going slow, and it's going to take a while, but it looks good so far! My friend's parents are selling their house and they knew I was out of work right now so they asked if I would do it. They've always been super nice to me and they know about my transition and they are supportive. I have so many nice memories of this house, I'm sad to see them sell it but they're retiring so it's understandable. I have some bad tan lines I got from wearing a t-shirt outside, and I've been trying to get rid of them for at least 2 weeks now, I'm able to wear tank tops while I'm outside working at their place and I finally got some color on my upper arms! unfortunately, that color is red, ugh! it looks better than it did but I still have a long ways to go until it's even, and it's been bringing out more of my freckles, ugh.

So today I started this other job with my dad and it's been kind of a rough day. It takes me 20 minutes to get to his house from my apartment and then from there it's about 35 minutes to get to the job site. It was cold and rainy today and my boobs were really hurting this morning, and on top of that there were no bathrooms around, I was so mad that I had to pee outside, ew!!! I was presenting as male because we had one other guy working with us that doesn't know about my transition, and tomorrow we will have even more people out there. My dad kept calling me by my male name but then he would catch himself and apologize, but he did call me Maddie once, but that was when no one else was around. At one point today though he gave me an "atta boy" and that bummed me out a little. We got there at 8 this morning and I thought we would work until 330 or so, maybe 430 at the latest. nope, we were there until 530. This upset me a bit because I had a couple things I wanted to do tonight

all week I had been planning on going to a show tonight. There's a band playing an hour away from me that I was really into when I was 14, and both of the opening bands are great too. A couple nights ago I did start to have some doubts about going though, I knew I was working and that I would have to rush, and also my car is acting up and the band would probably be playing newer material that I wasn't too into. Then this morning my mom called me. She told me that she finally told my younger sister about me and then she invited me out for a girl's night with her and my sisters. Aw! she acknowledged me as a girl! Unfortunately, it's graduation weekend at the local college, so restaurant reservations are hard to make right now, they could only get one for 5pm and I knew i wouldn't have time to go home and get ready before that, and my mom said it was ok and that she understands because it was last minute.

My older sister called me before dinner to double check that I couldn't go. I told her to call me after and let me know how things went. We talked about 2 hours ago and she said things went well. My younger sister didn't really say anything bad, she said she would be down to see me sometime and she said that this explains why I was always so sad and kept to myself all the time. I also mentioned to her that I saw her sister in law at the grocery store the other day but I didn't say anything to her because I didn't know if she knew about my transition or not, and also I wasn't totally sure that it was her. She told me that I could have gone up and talked to her, she knows and has actually been pretty supportive. Their family is pretty conservative and my sister's husband didn't really say anything when my sister told him about me, he just ignored the whole thing but his sister (and brother) told him that he needs to be more open and be there for my sister during all of this. So that's cool to know that I have support that I didn't even know about!

I think that's about it for now. Oh yeah, my breasts have been getting more sore lately and I think my skin is getting softer!

I am glad your younger sister is supportive and there is an opportunity to develop a relationship.

It sounds like you are Making  progress.

The upper lip center and the center line of which the lower lip and chin are really difficult for me as far as pain. I grow my hair out 4 days for the Tuesday person and 6 days for the Thursday person. I have white hair left and it grows very slowly. Plus the Tuesday person gets a fair bit of the area cleared.

Another thread that I need to follow! I'm glad things are getting better with your family! I know that was an issue from previous posts and it totally sucks from personal experience.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I loved the story Maddie. I'm so happy for you that your younger sister is supportive. :)

Hugs,
          Chelsea

Thanks for all the comments so far everyone!

So today wasn't too bad of a day, I finally had a day off! Right now I'm only living as Maddie about half the time, but on my day off I spent all day dressed female and I went out a few times. I didn't spend a ton of time on my makeup and hair and outfit, I went casual with a ponytail, v-neck shirt, jeans, and flats, and then I tried to go light on the makeup. Today I just did a little concealer plus mascara and eyeshadow, and brow filler. I accidentally used too much brow filler, oops! I thought it looked a little goofy, but honestly I've seen cis women with worse brows before, everyone has off days, so whatever, I still went out! I went to a diner for breakfast, I grabbed a snack at a cupcake shop around lunchtime, and for dinner I got chinese takeout, and all day not one single person gave me a weird look or acted like anything was out of the ordinary, even though I don't think I pass very well, so yay! Usually when I go out with this look I feel like a boy in makeup, but I didn't feel like that today, idk what changed but I'm so glad I didn't feel like that.

Is anyone on here from Baltimore? I'm planning on going down there on Saturday and I was wondering if anyone could suggest some good places to go shopping for clothes! I've been to the inner harbor a few times before but I was never there looking for women's clothes, I can't remember if there's any place good for that in that area. I took my car to the shop today and the repairs aren't as bad as I was expecting, I honestly thought I was going to have to cancel my trip!

I had another thought earlier, it seems like a few people on here who used to post a lot haven't been on lately. Cassi used to be everywhere, I wonder what happened to her, and I know Julia was supposed to have surgery this month, but she hasn't been on for a while, I hope everything's ok! I know some people tend to come and go on here but it's weird to see people walk away that used to post on here a lot!

Regarding electrolysis-I see you are in central N.Y. There is a man in Buffalo a friend of mine and myself have been to that has changed everything for us. I too was tired of weekly 2 hour visits that were painful and tore up my face. Most electrologists use a circle lamp to help insert the probe into the follicle. Circle lamps, because of the distance they must be from the face to allow for tools, are generally not able to get much more than 2x magnification. This man uses a stereo microscope capable of 40X magnification. This means he always hits the follicle exactly where as my previous provider was usually only close. If there is any pain upon insertion, the probe has made a new hole in your face. This then requires much more electricity to get a kill. The man in Buffalo (although he comes to York PA when I see him) is in and out of a follicle in less than a second and uses far less current. My friend did 3 straight 8 hour days. She described it as uncomfortable but not painful. I was further along so I only needed one 6 hour day for first pass.  Within 2 days there was little to no swelling.

I would have never believed I could endure 6 hours using 4% lidocaine (which lasts maybe 90 minutes), 2 Aleve, and lots of water. He does 500-700 hairs an hour. He does "any hair any where".

His name is James Walker at Executive Clearance. Highly recommend him.

Quote from: KatieD on May 23, 2018, 09:17:14 AM
Regarding electrolysis-I see you are in central N.Y. There is a man in Buffalo a friend of mine and myself have been to that has changed everything for us. I too was tired of weekly 2 hour visits that were painful and tore up my face. Most electrologists use a circle lamp to help insert the probe into the follicle. Circle lamps, because of the distance they must be from the face to allow for tools, are generally not able to get much more than 2x magnification. This man uses a stereo microscope capable of 40X magnification. This means he always hits the follicle exactly where as my previous provider was usually only close. If there is any pain upon insertion, the probe has made a new hole in your face. This then requires much more electricity to get a kill. The man in Buffalo (although he comes to York PA when I see him) is in and out of a follicle in less than a second and uses far less current. My friend did 3 straight 8 hour days. She described it as uncomfortable but not painful. I was further along so I only needed one 6 hour day for first pass.  Within 2 days there was little to no swelling.

I would have never believed I could endure 6 hours using 4% lidocaine (which lasts maybe 90 minutes), 2 Aleve, and lots of water. He does 500-700 hairs an hour. He does "any hair any where".

His name is James Walker at Executive Clearance. Highly recommend him.

oh wow, thanks for the info! Buffalo is about 3 and a half hours from me, but this is something I would make a trip for sometime if he can do 6 hour sessions like that!

I've had quite a weekend!

So just to preface this, I've been playing in bands since I was 13, mostly pop-punk, and I've been pretty involved with my local punk scene since I was 14. Friday night I went to a punk show in my friend's basement and it was only my 2nd time going to one as Maddie. It went well too, people complimented me and said I looked good and one of the bands from out of town actually had someone in the band that I've known since high school. He's a bit older than me but his old band and my old band played some shows together before and he's always been super nice, so it was good to see him the other night, he seemed really happy for me!

So now for the big part of the post! Yesterday morning I drove down to baltimore (4.5 hours). The whole reason for the trip was to go see The Longshot, which is a new power-pop band featuring Billie Joe from Green Day. He has been such a huge influence on me, he's the reason I play music really. He's had 2 albums that have sold over 10 million copies each, and I got lucky enough to buy a ticket to see him in a 400 person capacity bar! The tickets sold out in minutes, so it's definitely pretty special that I got to go!

I went down early because I wanted to do some shopping before the show. I also have a thing for cemeteries, so before I went into Baltimore I stopped in Towson to find the grave of "Divine", a famous drag queen. I found it!
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/33601995_149935409211402_1637190831146270720_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=55e8b56484c26ddadce3dc08aae61ad9&oe=5B79AF33)

After that I drove down to the Inner Harbor and I went up Federal Hill. It was pretty humid and windy, ew. When I was on my way over though I reached into my purse and grabbed my phone and my ID fell out. I didn't notice but thankfully a woman behind me did and got my attention, and she called me mam! yay! It felt pretty good honestly, I don't think I pass very well. I hiked the hill and took a selfie
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/33746622_150014492536827_8306857386329505792_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=d0a843ed90e16856f224a7c482a23ec3&oe=5B7982F6)

After that I went and did a little shopping. I did find an H&M, which is nice because I don't have one in my town. I got a decent dress for less than $20 and I got a necklace! yay! After that I went to a few other stores and didn't find anything good. Then it started to rain, shoot! I went and grabbed dinner while the storm passed. When I went in the hostess didn't know if there were any tables free so she yelled out to the servers "can you seat her?". yay! Gendered correctly again! and the waiter called me "girl" at one point lol.

After that I went to the bar for the show. Doors were at 8 but I got there at 6:30. Right as I was about to go in Billie Joe actually came out of another door to go into his tour bus, which was like 20 feet away, and I saw him looking over at the people in line, and I'm pretty sure saw me, and since it was such a small venue I'm sure he saw me from the stage that night too. Idk why but it's a cool feeling lol. I was worried about getting ID'd at the door since the show was will-call but there were no issues at all. I've actually been to this venue quite a few times over the last 11 years, but this was the first time that I ever used the women's restroom there! That was another good feeling! I ended up getting a nice spot about 10 feet or so back from the stage!
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/33592457_150181539186789_5930796064167690240_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=3f0e85831609ed49bb891b7ffd29e42c&oe=5B882C49)
The show was awesome! Seriously the most fun I've had in a long time! at one point a mosh pit had formed to the right of me and I kept getting ran into. The guy to my left noticed and he offered to switch spots with me, which was really nice of him! It felt good to be treated like a lady!

After the show I was going to wait outside for an autograph but I decided against it. There were a lot of people waiting and I didn't know how long I'd have to wait to see him or if he would even sign anything, plus I was staying at my friend's house and I didn't want to keep him up all night waiting for me. The only thing I even really had for him to sign was a paper in my purse from my doctor explaining my transition. It's the letter I had to take to the DMV to get my license changed. It actually would have been really cool if he signed the back of that, it's an important letter for me and this singer is someone whose music has gotten me through a lot of rough times!

I went to my friend's place and hung out with him for a while and then went to sleep. He has a wife and 2 young kids that were asleep when I got there. I was a little worried about seeing his kids in the morning, there was a good chance that I might have been the first trans women they've ever seen. I got up and got dressed and shaved and put my makeup on and then I went down and saw them and it went really well! no weird looks or anything, I was introduced as Maddie and the kids seemed excited to show me stuff. The oldest son (maybe 5 years old) was really proud of these math problems he did in a workbook and the youngest son (about 3) was excited to show me this lego thing he put together. I didn't stay with them too long though, I was starving and needed breakfast. I'll post my breakfast in the cooking section though, it was pretty great!

After breakfast I decided to walk over to find Edgar Allan Poe's grave. It was a little over a mile from the restaurant and a couple times people on the street addressed me as miss, which was nice! I didn't get misgendered all weekend! I found the cemetery and it was actually really neat!
(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/33662831_150559505815659_6523923686171344896_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=79edc9e4f2573cd188cef8871b1b0859&oe=5BBF2CC7)

(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/33635845_150559769148966_6200180707940106240_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=48d8d90fb82571d1333c5ad8acb8aca4&oe=5B8EA117)

(https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/33766464_150559455815664_5996898862143373312_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=c39537c3e67c4196dadc8d5d4ca9d4bd&oe=5BC095D9)

Unfortunately, I decided to wear my new flats this morning and they were hell on my feet. the backs of my heels are raw and I have a big blister too, ouch!!

Well that's all, I just wanted to share with you how much fun I had this weekend! <3

That sounds like a really nifty weekend!  Just the band sounds awesome and getting 100% correct gendering all weekend long just adds to it!  I really like the picture of you at the top of the hill, you look great!

           Julie

Wow-whee MADDIE ....  what a fun time that you had... and your pictures, as always are wonderful to see.
Thank you for your update.
Hugs,
Danielle

Ok, so I forgot to mention something the other day. On saturday when I was standing in line at the venue I got a facebook message from someone. I've mentioned this girl in other threads before. about a year and a half ago this girl and I got pretty close. it was never anything sexual but we opened up to each other a lot. After one halloween where I dressed as a woman she actually asked me if this is something I was into. Little by little I started opening up more to her about who I wanted to be and one day I just came right out with it and told her I wanted to be a woman. I know this sounds nice and helpful, but really she's just nosey. I was friends with her ex and at time I felt like she was just using me to keep tabs on him, and in return she would listen to me about my gender issues. she got on my nerves a lot and she caused a lot of drama. She had a big falling out with a lot of our friends and I tried to help her through her issues but she wouldn't listen to me. She would act sweet and caring but then she would ignore everything I would tell her to try and help her. Then on the day that my grandmother died this girl actually blocked and unfriended me on facebook! and this was after she acted nice and gave me her condolences! It was really surprising, but at that moment I was totally done with her. She messaged me a week later like nothing had happened, and then a month later she sent me another message, but I ignored both of them. So the other night I got a message from her that was actually pretty nice, she said that she kept seeing me on facebook with my new profile and finally realized it was me and then she apologized for how she acted last year and she said she was really proud of me. I was thinking about writing back to her but I honestly don't know what to say. I don't really want to start a conversation with her and I don't care to be her friend, but that doesn't mean I can't at least be nice to her, so I don't know what to do!

Another thing that I've been struggling with lately is that I totally feel like I'm living a double life. It's funny, before I came out I had to sneak around as a female because I was scared of getting caught, but now that I'm out I feel weird being seen as a male! I'm still presenting as a male for work, so sometimes I have to run to the store or something before or after and I just really hope that I don't run into anyone I know because I feel like that would almost discredit my transition in a way. I've been working with my dad lately and it almost seems like him just being around me like that made him forget about my transition. He's said "atta boy" to me a few times at work and he doesn't even pause when he calls me by my male name anymore, 2 weeks ago he would apologize for it but now it seems like he's forgotten. It doesn't seem like it's on purpose, he's not doing it to be mean, I guess it's just hard to imagine me as a woman when I'm moving concrete blocks around all day and mixing 80lb bags of cement. I hate my job but I really do need to finish out this summer working construction. It just sucks because I don't want the neighbors to see me in those kinds of clothes when I come home. The other day I pulled up to my house and one of the neighbors was out and I actually waited for him to go inside before I got out of my car, I don't want to be seen as a boy! This is frustrating!

Hi Maddie,

It is very difficult being in both worlds. Frustrating for you and those that support us.

The role we are associated with is associated by feminine or masculine dress, hair, makeup and scents. Being female and dressing the role has huge social implications. It is so difficult to slowly transition and be in both worlds.

You are doing what you need to do and it is for a limited time. I know as the time gets closer to full transition it becomes more and more difficult to keep to the plan.

You are strong and will get you through it.

I'm so glad you're sharing, and you live quite the exciting life, Maddie!

I can't believe someone(that girl who was mean) could act such a way. People really baffle me sometimes. I am not a musician, I did want to play something when I was younger, but I don't think I can or would want to anymore, oh well. Real big fan of Green Day, though, and those pics are awesome!

It really seems like you had a pretty amazing time in Baltimore! ANd it does seem like it's always raining there lol I went last year, too; and I donated to the Pavers for Poe with my own unique message brick for the new park! <3

(https://i.imgur.com/nzOvhTs.jpg)

I'm glad you're getting properly gendered, that's always a wonderful feeling, and you should be, too! You are lovely!

Subscribed/Bookmarked! <3

Much love,
Eryn

Quote from: Maddie86 on May 29, 2018, 07:26:41 PM
I was thinking about writing back to her but I honestly don't know what to say. I don't really want to start a conversation with her and I don't care to be her friend, but that doesn't mean I can't at least be nice to her, so I don't know what to do!

If it was me, I might just reply with a simple "thank you" or "thank you, I appreciate that".  The burden would be on her to show you she has matured as a person and is worthy of further investment of your time.

Quote from: Maddie86 on May 29, 2018, 07:26:41 PMIt just sucks because I don't want the neighbors to see me in those kinds of clothes when I come home. The other day I pulled up to my house and one of the neighbors was out and I actually waited for him to go inside before I got out of my car, I don't want to be seen as a boy!

So, a few years back I had a plumbing company come and do some work for me.  One of the plumbers was a cis-hetero female.  She was fairly attractive though a bit heavyset (not fat, just a little thick) with beautiful shoulder length blond hair.  While at work, of course she was wearing plumbers attire and got a little dirty on the job, but she was decidedly feminine anyway.  I know of course that we trans-folk are much more sensitive in this regard than others, but it is helpful to me sometimes to look at other females (especially cis-females) in society and how they get along in similar situations.  I frequently find that if I were a cis-female in a situation that makes me incredibly uncomfortable, that there really wouldn't be any issue at all. 

The other thing that comes to mind is that as we endeavor to make ourselves more feminine, we fall prey to the same stereotypes that feminists complain about with regards to what women can and can't do.  So many of the "rules" of our societies and genders are somewhat arbitrary and shift around over time.  I recently learned from my aunt, that in New Orleans when she was young, it was unfashionable to have your ears pierced.  That is one of the first things I wanted to do to feel more feminine, but sixty years ago it would have made me stand as something of an outcast.

Don't get me wrong, I have some of the same feelings as you do about presenting one way or the other, but it helps me to try to step back from myself to figure out how others are actually viewing me and not how I think they are viewing me.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. 

         Julie

thanks for the comments everyone!

So tonight I went to a Greek Fest, and I saw someone there that I had actually worked with earlier this week. I knew this was bound to happen but I didn't think it would happen so fast! It's funny, this is someone I knew when I was young, his daughter and my sister were friends, and on tuesday he was at this job site pouring concrete sidewalks, and this was the first time I saw him in probably 20 years, then 2 days later I see him again at this greek fest where I'm dressed as a female! I saw him 3 or 4 times tonight, each time I would look away and I don't think he saw me, until the last time. I turned a corner and he was like 20 feet away and he was talking to someone, but it also looked like he saw me and was squinting to get a better look. Maybe he was trying to figure out if it was me, i dunno, whatever. What's he gunna do anyways? tell my dad? my dad already knows!

Speaking of which, yesterday my dad saw me dressed as a female for the first time. He was bringing over a housewarming present (it was an air conditioner, I made a joke on facebook that his housewarming present was more of a house cooling present and it got over 70 likes!) and I was wearing light makeup and some shorts and a sleeveless top. My older sister was here too when he stopped by, which I'm thankful for. I'm sure it would have been fine if she wasn't there, but it was comforting that she was around. He went outside for a minute and she commented that he seemed grumpy lol. I'm glad he saw me like that though, he needs to see me like this more often so he doesn't forget that this whole thing is happening.

There's something else I want to bring up on here. Lately I've felt pretty bummed because I feel a bit of a disconnect between me and a lot of my friends. I feel like I would be closer with a lot of people if I transitioned at an earlier age. I have a couple different groups of friends and they all seem to have a very strong bond while I just feel like a 3rd wheel. The thing is that they all have a lot of great memories together, and I'm not part of them, I wasn't there for the best times of their lives that they'll always cherish. This brings me down and then I can't really address it to anyone because then no one will hang out with me, people don't like to be around negativity. I try to put on a happy face and  not think about these things, but it's hard when I'm alone all the time. I have no single friends either, and that's a big part of it, all of my friends wanna spend time with their significant others, which is understandable, but then when they do get together it seems like they want it to be couples only. I did go to that Greek Fest that I mentioned earlier with my best friend, so at least that was nice.

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/34066818_153241382214138_1087389739713036288_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=8d042d8986c7f4cb98962bc1f2adad06&oe=5B848218)

Hi Maddie

I have just managed to catch up on your thread and I read about the difficulties you are having with your Dad. I have been having similar for the last couple of years. It actually got me thinking about something my Dad said to me the last time I was on Skype to him, he said that he always just saw <insert misname here> when he saw me during the call! What I realised was that trying to appease him by "dressing down" for Skype calls so he can get used to seeing the physical changes has just lead to opening the door wider for him to misgender/misname and not change the way he addresses me. I have always thought that getting "dressed up" to skype with him seemed a bit over the top but I wonder even if I do whether his behaviour will change and similarly with your Dad if you call him out a few times when he misnames you will he get the message that it is not acceptable to use your old name? How you go about "calling him out" is the tricky bit.


As far as having to dress as a male part time, it must be very difficult but from what you describe you need the job for practical reasons so I guess it falls under the heading of "you got to do what you go to do" and hopefully it won't be forever. You could always go En femme to work, there are plenty of women who work on construction sites. It might give your Dad the perfect que to remember your name  ;)


I think you look fabulous in your pics


Take care


Liz   

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 03, 2018, 12:22:34 AM
Hi Maddie

I have just managed to catch up on your thread and I read about the difficulties you are having with your Dad. I have been having similar for the last couple of years. It actually got me thinking about something my Dad said to me the last time I was on Skype to him, he said that he always just saw <insert misname here> when he saw me during the call! What I realised was that trying to appease him by "dressing down" for Skype calls so he can get used to seeing the physical changes has just lead to opening the door wider for him to misgender/misname and not change the way he addresses me. I have always thought that getting "dressed up" to skype with him seemed a bit over the top but I wonder even if I do whether his behaviour will change and similarly with your Dad if you call him out a few times when he misnames you will he get the message that it is not acceptable to use your old name? How you go about "calling him out" is the tricky bit.


As far as having to dress as a male part time, it must be very difficult but from what you describe you need the job for practical reasons so I guess it falls under the heading of "you got to do what you go to do" and hopefully it won't be forever. You could always go En femme to work, there are plenty of women who work on construction sites. It might give your Dad the perfect que to remember your name  ;)


I think you look fabulous in your pics


Take care


Liz

Thanks! I can't really go as a female to work, the company I'm working for is one that I've worked with on and off for almost 4 years now, and there's some guys in the company that I don't think would be ok with it. Correcting my dad while at work probably isn't the best thing to do right now since I gotta stay closeted, but after this summer I'm going to try and get a new job and then I'm really going to try and drill it into him. The other day when we got back to his place after work his wife let their dogs out to come greet us and they always go right to him and he tries to get them to go over to me and when he talked to the dogs he used my male name and told them to "go get him". Then I left and said bye and my step mom yelled "bye maddie!", and that made me feel better because it was less than a month ago when I saw her tear up and say that it was going to be hard to call me something other than my male name.

Quote from: Maddie86 on June 04, 2018, 07:07:39 AMThen I left and said bye and my step mom yelled "bye maddie!", and that made me feel better because it was less than a month ago when I saw her tear up and say that it was going to be hard to call me something other than my male name.

Yay!  That's progress.  It is so nice when people make the effort to get it right.

My mom called me last night and we talked for a little while. She wants to get dinner next week and she wants to bring my younger sister, so we'll see how that goes. She also told me that she finally told my uncle about me, so that's kind of a relief. She's bad with details, so I'll have to ask her about it more when I see her, but she told me that he just pretty much said that he felt bad that it took me so long to figure myself out.

So I'm about to post something pretty disappointing. I really let myself down this weekend. Saturday night I drank a whole bottle of wine because I was depressed. I guess this goes back to what I mentioned in my last post about that disconnect with my friends. Sometimes I feel like I could just disappear and I wouldn't be missed. My best friend had her bachelorette party last weekend and I wasn't invited. She told me a while back that she's doing two different parties, one was a camping trip last weekend for her out of town friends that she never sees and then this upcoming weekend she's doing something in town, and that one I'm invited to, but it doesn't really feel like a bachelorette party. At first we were going to go out for dinner and then grab some drinks, but now she just wants to do dinner because she says she's getting sick of wedding stuff, and she and I go out to dinner all the time, so this is nothing special and I feel like I got screwed out of a celebration. I guess it's just going to be me and her and 2 other girls that I don't even really know. Yay. The people she went on a trip with last weekend were her best friend (who is also one of my best friends) and then 2 of her college roommates. The 2 other girls going this weekend are a co-worker and a former co-worker. I feel like a 2nd string friend. I know last weekend was for her out of town friends, but it would have been nice to be included, I never get to go on special trips like this, and it would have made me feel like one of the girls, which i'm struggling with in my transition. I was a big part of her bridal shower too, I cooked 75% of the food there, which everyone loved and I spent over $100 on food and supplies, so a trip like this would have been a nice thank you. I know, I'm being selfish, this is her big thing and I'm making it about me, but nothing's ever about me. I'm always trying to do nice things for my friends and I sent them nice texts and check up on them and ask them how they're doing, and no one ever does anything like that for me. It would mean a lot if I just got a random text from a friend sometime saying hi and asking how I'm doing, but I never get anything like that and I feel like no one cares about me. I feel like I could be in a room full of my friends and leave and no one would notice.

I really hate feeling so worthless all the time. I was supposed to have a session with my therapist on saturday but I cancelled it so I could work with my dad. My next one is Friday the 15th, which is the day before my friend's wedding. I've reached the point where I think I would like to try taking anti-depressants, so I'm going to look into that and see if my therapist can refer me to a psychiatrist

Quote from: Maddie86 on June 04, 2018, 07:45:39 AM
My mom called me last night and we talked for a little while. She wants to get dinner next week and she wants to bring my younger sister, so we'll see how that goes. She also told me that she finally told my uncle about me, so that's kind of a relief. She's bad with details, so I'll have to ask her about it more when I see her, but she told me that he just pretty much said that he felt bad that it took me so long to figure myself out.

So I'm about to post something pretty disappointing. I really let myself down this weekend. Saturday night I drank a whole bottle of wine because I was depressed. I guess this goes back to what I mentioned in my last post about that disconnect with my friends. Sometimes I feel like I could just disappear and I wouldn't be missed. My best friend had her bachelorette party last weekend and I wasn't invited. She told me a while back that she's doing two different parties, one was a camping trip last weekend for her out of town friends that she never sees and then this upcoming weekend she's doing something in town, and that one I'm invited to, but it doesn't really feel like a bachelorette party. At first we were going to go out for dinner and then grab some drinks, but now she just wants to do dinner because she says she's getting sick of wedding stuff, and she and I go out to dinner all the time, so this is nothing special and I feel like I got screwed out of a celebration. I guess it's just going to be me and her and 2 other girls that I don't even really know. Yay. The people she went on a trip with last weekend were her best friend (who is also one of my best friends) and then 2 of her college roommates. The 2 other girls going this weekend are a co-worker and a former co-worker. I feel like a 2nd string friend. I know last weekend was for her out of town friends, but it would have been nice to be included, I never get to go on special trips like this, and it would have made me feel like one of the girls, which i'm struggling with in my transition. I was a big part of her bridal shower too, I cooked 75% of the food there, which everyone loved and I spent over $100 on food and supplies, so a trip like this would have been a nice thank you. I know, I'm being selfish, this is her big thing and I'm making it about me, but nothing's ever about me. I'm always trying to do nice things for my friends and I sent them nice texts and check up on them and ask them how they're doing, and no one ever does anything like that for me. It would mean a lot if I just got a random text from a friend sometime saying hi and asking how I'm doing, but I never get anything like that and I feel like no one cares about me. I feel like I could be in a room full of my friends and leave and no one would notice.

I really hate feeling so worthless all the time. I was supposed to have a session with my therapist on saturday but I cancelled it so I could work with my dad. My next one is Friday the 15th, which is the day before my friend's wedding. I've reached the point where I think I would like to try taking anti-depressants, so I'm going to look into that and see if my therapist can refer me to a psychiatrist

Hi Maddie

I don't think you are being unreasonable or selfish....if you cant tell us what is going on for you who can you tell?..I understand that being left out of the bachelorette party would make you feel horrible...I am sure I would be feeling the same.

If you are not feeling great I am sure this would not be helping at all. Seeking help sounds like the best idea an$ maybe the pills will help.

I dont see much wrong with feeling the way you do after making the effort that you have wit( your friends....I have had similar issues with family and I understand how hurtful it can be.

I hope you get some help and are feeling better soon.

Take care

Liz


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

So I'm starting to feel a little better. I feel a little silly for my last post, a couple hours after I posted it I got a notification that I was tagged in an instagram post, so I checked it out and it was my friend who recently moved to Virginia. She posted a pic of us from back in December, which she couldn't post back then since I was still in the closet. It's a cute pic and I'm glad she posted it, but her caption made me feel a lot better, she wrote "4 more days!!! I can't wait to come home and see some of my favorite faces" awwww! It's amazing to know that I do have people who care about me. I ended up texting her to thank her for posting it and I ended up talking to her about things and she calmed me down, I'm really lucky to have her as a friend. Then a couple hours later my older sister called me just to talk, which again made me feel great.

So in another effort to get out of my mental funk, I did a little shopping trip yesterday. Syracuse is an hour from me and they have a great mall, so I went up because I needed a dress for my friend's wedding. I started out at Macy's and found a dress within 10 minutes!! It's cute and comfortable and it was on sale! $60, original price was $90! Now I need shoes to go with it, which is one thing I just can't find. The mall had a few stores with size 13 shoes, but the selection wasn't good. I got another dress too, it's a black one that's really cute and it was only $15 at TJ Maxx! I'm going to wear that this weekend to a party. I also managed to get a few cute tops and I got a birthday present for a friend and I got a cup of coffee that was really good! Then to top it off I went to Dinosaur BBQ for dinner, which is my favorite restaurant! I was looking forward to getting a table and eating there for the first time as Maddie, but they're always really busy, the wait probably would have been an hour, so I just got takeout. I was at the mall for just over 5 hours and it actually took a lot out of me, that's a lot of walking!

I did take a couple pics in the dresses I bought, but I think I'll wait until this weekend to post anything, I wanna get pics while I'm out doing stuff :)

Wow!  what an exciting day.  Reading about your mall adventures makes me wish I was as far along as you are.  So glad that you're feeling better too.  It's easy to feel down sometimes.  It's funny how small differences in perception can have profound impact on our emotional well being.

       Julie

Ok so I officially feel really bad for posting all that negative stuff earlier in the week. I went to the bachelorette party last night and it wasn't just a quick dinner, we were out for 6 hours, I was starting to grow stubble on my face by the time I went home!  :laugh:

I did end up drinking more than I should have, but it was well paced and it never got to the point where I was out of hand, for the most part I felt sleepy and a little silly. I was definitely the least drunk out of the 4 of us. It was a nice night out where I met one new girl and got to know another girl better, it was definitely a good time! I did get called "he" once or twice at the end of the night but it was quickly corrected without me having to say anything. I ran into 4 or 5 people throughout the night that I know and it was the first time they saw me in public as maddie and everyone was nice and called me Maddie without hesitation! At the end of the night I went out to my friend's car to get some rhubarb (I'm making some pies today and she had extra) and she also gave me a thank you card for all the stuff I did at her bridal shower. She tried to mail it but it was returned to her and marked "undeliverable" for some reason. She addressed it to Maddie, but I've gotten 2 other things addressed to that name, so IDK what happened! She also gave me a little gift for my apartment and I texted her last night after I got home and she wrote "girl I love your face, thank you so much for being the best thing ever!"

I went to bed at 12 and woke up at 4 and couldn't get back to sleep, so I'm gunna post a few selfies and then get dressed and go out for breakfast lol. I'm in for another long night tonight, I'm going to a surprise party for my friend's 30th birthday!

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/34962614_158411171697159_1443109320693645312_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=0eb86276175f8f95cff1d594ad52fa17&oe=5B7DE769)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/34752181_158411235030486_4585220799316623360_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=2f9a079da119bd59152c72fb8b2ea8d7&oe=5BBE2CF9)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/34862145_158411485030461_62248936705884160_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=3dc57e4a20bbbf81de008c88801f81df&oe=5BC48D4F)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/34759140_158411381697138_4958276929888190464_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=6f1decf064f50e2410189050f7d7bf2b&oe=5BBEFB42)

ohhhh I forgot, one last thing! My friend told me that last week after Greek Fest her dad was asking her about me (both of her parents went with us). He asked if I was on hormones and said that I actually do look like a woman now and that everyone deserves to be happy and that he's happy for me! yay!

I had such a nice time last night! We had a surprise party for my friend's 30th birthday and it went really well. A lot of my friend's family members were there and a few of them came up and introduced themselves to me and they were really nice! I made some pies and got a ton of compliments, a few people actually asked around about who made them and then they made sure to find me to tell me how good they were! I didn't get any weird looks for being transgender, a few people did say that they think they remember me from my friend's wedding 2 years ago, but I hope they were mistaken, because 2 years ago I was a 300lb male, ew! I dunno, maybe I'm starting to pass but I'm still at the point where I assume that everyone who lays eyes on me automatically assumes I'm trans. Whatever, I had a great time and that's what matters!

I hope it's ok to post this pic, it's cute but my friend photobombed us lol
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/34872862_159341044937505_2440130208309706752_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=a5164b9da005423a1ceed3c9c4be9856&oe=5BAF94A4)

not the most flattering pic of me, but idc, I love these girls!
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/34885662_159330614938548_3645082561648001024_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=54806114cb1366f88fa5393abc1ecb70&oe=5BA84338)

I got a pic of me and the birthday girl while we were cutting the cake, it wasn't the best pic so I played around with the settings to make it look kinda creepy and evil  >:-)
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/34910998_159012844970325_6216266056248328192_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=1ce06e62e9e1ddb1738a4825051af8df&oe=5BC425E5)

Looks like a fun party, good times

You look like you had a blast on your fun girls night!!! Stunning dress you are wearing! Can't wait for pictures from the wedding itself. Seem like you are in Party mood, bachelorette party and birthday party! So great to see you enjoy all these occasions...

Quote from: sarah1972 on June 10, 2018, 05:39:39 PM
You look like you had a blast on your fun girls night!!! Stunning dress you are wearing! Can't wait for pictures from the wedding itself. Seem like you are in Party mood, bachelorette party and birthday party! So great to see you enjoy all these occasions...

Thanks! and yes, the wedding is next weekend, I'm so excited! I'll try to get some good pics :)
and yeah, I need to calm down on the partying a little lol. I had a few drinks last night but stopped early. I'll probably have a few at the wedding next week but after that I'm done for a while

Quote from: Maddie86 on June 10, 2018, 05:57:35 PM
Thanks! and yes, the wedding is next weekend, I'm so excited! I'll try to get some good pics :)
and yeah, I need to calm down on the partying a little lol. I had a few drinks last night but stopped early. I'll probably have a few at the wedding next week but after that I'm done for a while

Enjoy it while you can! My last girls night out ended at 9:00 PM after one drink and we where all ready for bed...

Oh... my comment was more encouraging! No more hiding in the shadows and I enjoy seeing you enjoy yourself [emoji847]

I love to see you smiling and happy in the pictures.

  Very nice pictures Maddie. It looked like you and your girlfriends all have a good time.

Laurie

awww, thanks everyone!  :)

Hello! I have a few updates from this week!

Tuesday: I went to the park for a walk. I know this doesn't sound special but I love this park and it was my first time going as Maddie! Last year I was there almost every day from April to November, that place became really special to me. I was there a handful of times this year but dressed as a male. I went with a friend on Tuesday and the last time I was there was before that was the day I came out on facebook, and I was there with the same person. I went back again today but I was by myself! I'm glad that I'm starting to get out again, I haven't been too active lately because my back has been acting up. After the walk I met up with another friend at a new Mexican restaurant. It was nice to catch up with her, but I did experience my first sign of negativity from someone for being trans. It wasn't  too bad, just kinda rude. I ordered a rainbow margarita and the waitress just looked at me and said "rainbow? ha!"

Wednesday: I went out for dinner with my mom and older sister. My younger sister was supposed to come but couldn't. My mom kept dead naming me and misgendering me all night, it got pretty irritating. Even the waitress would come out to the table and address us all as "ladies" but my mom still addressed me as a male, one time she even did it in front of the waitress, which was embarrassing. I let it go that night, but next time I'm going to say something and tell her that if she doesn't at least try to get it right then I'm not going to have dinner with her anymore. I called my dad later that night about father's day plans, my sister and I wanted to make dinner for him. He said that his wife's aunt and uncle were in town and he asked if they could come. I told him that I wasn't planning on being there as a male, to which he replied "oh, you weren't?" I didn't wanna say they can't come, I just wanted to give him a heads up, but I guess he doesn't wanna deal with telling them because he just told me that he'd tell them they can't come. awkward.

Thursday: I GOT A KITTY!!!!! I've been wanting one for a while now, especially since my depression got the best of me a couple weeks ago, I was hoping a cat might cheer me up. Well on Sunday my friend sent me a text saying that she might have a present for me, and then she sent me a pic of the little guy. Last saturday he just showed up on her back porch and then he stuck around. There's a few feral cats in the neighborhood that she leaves food out for, so I guess that attracted him, but instead of returning to the wild he tried to make her porch his new home. She already has one indoor cat plus 2 dogs, so she couldn't take him in, even though she started getting attached to him. on monday she put him up on a lost and found pets page on facebook, and she said that I could come get him on thursday if no one claimed him by then. Well no one claimed him so yesterday morning I went and bought some supplies and then I went and picked him up! He's so cute and I'm really in love with him! He hasn't misbehaved at all yet and he seems appreciative of his new home, he usually sticks right by my side! The only bad thing was last night. I left my bedroom door open so he could come in and out, and then around 3am I woke up to him meowing a lot. I talked to him a little bit and he came in and jumped up on the bed and started rubbing up against me and he was being quite talkative. He settled down by 4am and I slept until about 630. I woke up and wondered if he was in the room or not. then I looked to my left and he was sleeping right next to me lol. I've taken a lot of pictures so far but I'm not going to post any yet, I want to wait a few more days to see if anyone ends up claiming him before I officially consider him mine. I think he was probably left behind by a college student, school got out a few weeks ago  and the student's parents probably wouldn't let them bring him home. He's young but not super young, maybe about a year or so, and he hasn't been neutered yet either, I'm going to have to get that done soon. I'm naming him Smithers :)

Today: I had a session with my therapist today. I brought up my depression from a couple weeks ago and I said that it runs in my family and that I know it will be back even though I feel fine most of the time. She didn't even ask me what set it off, which I thought it was a little weird, she just said that my primary care doctor (the one that gives me hormones) can prescribe me some anti-depressants, so I can talk to him about it. After my session I went and did some errands... the girl who rang me out at the grocery store complimented me on my necklace and the girl at the pharmacy complimented my top when I went to pick up my hormones, yay!

I'm excited for tomorrow, my best friend is getting married! I'm starting to get nervous, 2 months ago my one friend told me she would do my makeup, she even put it in the calendar on her phone. Now this person isn't answering my texts. ugh. Oh well. I'm sure I'll get some good pics tomorrow, I'll post em when I can!

yay! Last night was my first time going to a wedding as a woman and it was amazing! I always felt uncomfortable going to formal events as a male, I didn't know how to dress myself properly, I always would have much rather picked out a nice dress, and it means so much that my first wedding as Maddie was for my best friend. I actually met her husband in 7th grade and in 8th grade we started learning how to play in a band together. The bride actually went to a different school and I met her at a punk show when I was in 9th grade. The groom and I finally started playing our music in public by the time we were in 10th grade, and he also moved to another school, which is actually where she went! They started dating and I'm so honored that I got to see the start of their relationship! They've been together for over half of my life!

Since they have been together for so long, I have known both of their families for quite a while, and yesterday was great for my transition. When I was at the bridal shower the groom's mom just kinda ignored me and I felt bad about that, but then yesterday she was super nice and came up to me and talked to me and later in the night she made me dance with her lol. There were some other friends of mine there that I've kinda fallen out of touch with. One was a girl who I kinda gave up on last year. She's kinda weird, she's pretty shallow and tends to think mostly about herself, but she cornered me a few times last night and talked to me and she congratulated me and said how happy she was for me and that I seemed very natural and that she and the bride always kinda knew that something was up with me. I saw another friend and his wife too, it's been almost 2 years since I've seen them and when I came out online neither one of them commented on my post and they didn't follow me on my new account, so I thought they didn't care about me. Well when I got there yesterday they invited me to sit with them for the ceremony, which was very nice. Then later on the guy tried to get me to dance with him but I wasn't ready yet. A little while later he was talking to me and I forget what he said leading up to it, but he put his arm around me and said that they (he and his wife) support me, as long as I'm happy. It was very sweet and then later he sent me a request to follow me on Instagram. A little while later this one girl that I didn't know made me come up and dance with her, I think she was just going out of her way to be nice to me since I wasn't there with anyone. I got a few compliments on my dress too! Overall it was a great night!

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35423957_164790587725884_2105897884854517760_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=3b0de27731ad89a4caaa52f2524c38b4&oe=5BAEFB9D)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35489429_164790491059227_2819056317929357312_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=de0df320b7651664249ef67effa54837&oe=5BA6F1DA)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35552054_164790924392517_6473884727307665408_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=7f726bdfdef2d82950e28fd6156eb8ae&oe=5BB9645E)

Looking great, Maddie!  You look like you were having fun.

Hi Maddie I found your post the other day just finished reading it . Your friends wedding looks amazing and lots of fun.
How is your kitty did you get to keep him?


Xxx Chloe

snipped:

Quote from: Maddie86 on June 17, 2018, 10:03:41 AM
yay! Last night was my first time going to a wedding as a woman and it was amazing! I always felt uncomfortable going to formal events as a male, I didn't know how to dress myself properly, I always would have much rather picked out a nice dress, and it means so much that my first wedding as Maddie was for my best friend.ith.as very nice. Then later on the guy tried to get me to dance with him but I wasn't ready yet.
- - - - - -
A little while later he was talking to me and I forget what he said leading up to it, but he put his arm around me and said that they (he and his wife) support me, as long as I'm happy. It was very sweet and then later he sent me a request to follow me on Instagram.
- - - - - - -
. I got a few compliments on my dress too! Overall it was a great night!
- - - - - -
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35423957_164790587725884_2105897884854517760_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=3b0de27731ad89a4caaa52f2524c38b4&oe=5BAEFB9D)
- - - - -

Dear Maddie:  What a lovely good news posting.  You look terrific in your pictures... I especially like the one of you doing your dance moves.   I love how you are dressed... you look amazing. 

Thank you for keeping your readers up to date regarding your journey... I am always looking forward to reading your updates and viewing any pictures that you chose to post.
Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Chloe_freebird on June 19, 2018, 10:30:34 AM
Hi Maddie I found your post the other day just finished reading it . Your friends wedding looks amazing and lots of fun.
How is your kitty did you get to keep him?


Xxx Chloe

yes, the wedding was so much fun!

The cat is doing good, I still have him, but I think I'm going to wait until Thursday to officially consider him mine, that's when I'll have had him for a week. At first he was pretty shy, he seemed very appreciative of his new home, he was very well behaved and he would never really leave my side, but now that he's settling in he's become a little more independent. He's started jumping up on the kitchen counter and he's started using the corner of my bed to sharpen his claws, even though I bought him a scratch post! He still stays by my side a lot but he wanders off too, he has a couple new favorite spots. He's not neutered but I talked to a shelter today about setting him up, he hasn't sprayed anything yet but I'm wondering if he's going to start once he settles into things. He's probably over a year old, so I wanna say he would have started doing that by now if he was going to. The shelter wants to do a check in appointment with him, which is July 3rd, but then they said it would probably be another 4 weeks after that until they can actually neuter him. It's weird, he isn't really playful, but I'm hoping that comes with time, I bought him some toys and he's not interested in the least. I'll post some pics Thursday, I already have some good ones!

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on June 19, 2018, 10:37:20 AM
snipped: Dear Maddie:  What a lovely good news posting.  You look terrific in your pictures... I especially like the one of you doing your dance moves.   I love how you are dressed... you look amazing. 

Thank you for keeping your readers up to date regarding your journey... I am always looking forward to reading your updates and viewing any pictures that you chose to post.
Hugs,
Danielle

awwww, thank you Danielle!!

So today was a nice day. I went over to my friend's house so she could help me with liquid eyeliner, I'm not very good at it so she gave me some tips. She has two daughters, her 7 year old was still in school but her 3 year old was there. She's such a funny kid, she's very shy at first but then once she opens up to you she won't leave you alone! She referred to me as "him" at one point but her mom corrected her and then after that she kept calling me "her", which was awesome! She had trouble with my name though, she kept calling me Abby lol. I was helping my friend set up a new grill that she bought for her husband for father's day and while I was doing that the kid was playing with her little kitchen play set and kept bringing me over plastic food to pretend eat, it was so cute, she kept telling me to take one more bite  :D Then she had me read her a story too. My friend's 7 year old doesn't know about my transition yet but we are telling her soon, we thought it would be best to wait until she's out of school for the summer so she's not around people to gossip about it. She really likes me though, she's a great kid and I know she'll be accepting but she might be a little immature about it, we'll see. She's going to be 8 next month, and I think I was that same age when I found out about my lesbian aunt, so I think she's old enough.

Maddie, I am so happy for you. It sounds like the wedding was a lot of fun.

When your cat gets use to you and the surrounding he will loosen up and try to rule the roost. I use to use a laser pointer to play with the cats. That and ribbon would make for an amusing time.

Quote from: Rachel on June 19, 2018, 08:00:39 PM
Maddie, I am so happy for you. It sounds like the wedding was a lot of fun.

When your cat gets use to you and the surrounding he will loosen up and try to rule the roost. I use to use a laser pointer to play with the cats. That and ribbon would make for an amusing time.

Thanks for the tips :)

Hopefully in time he will start to play maybe getting used to his surroundings  he sounds adventurous and snuggly
Looking forward to seeing the pics soon :)

ok here's my kitty!!!

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35806837_169663867238556_3266695156891385856_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=72f2d7f4c45a0d637dee9e1a92116807&oe=5BAC88CB)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35923540_169663920571884_6155904040409497600_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=02f93420d8d8b3bf56ffb1e035b78edd&oe=5BB29F83)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35628774_169663977238545_2617162687167070208_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=25205aa77059f9b84a44f0578fd1562d&oe=5B9DC946)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35838244_169664050571871_1431808819356237824_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=0320d9328f1aad8cdf99210d6a0fde7c&oe=5BA8DF10)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35923207_169664197238523_372257906604638208_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=75c057da2aa082e9cae1329ccceb2bb3&oe=5BB10F6D)

Awww he looks sooo cute!

Quote from: Chloe_freebird on June 21, 2018, 04:02:10 PM
Awww he looks sooo cute!

thanks! here's a few more! I sprayed his scratch post with some catnip

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35844722_169998583871751_3209377259253137408_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=b4d888bca96280a7642a2618c7a6544e&oe=5BB69B48)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35882170_169998483871761_3259712132773576704_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=5e58258caef3efc7af822229e2418a43&oe=5BBF90D5)

"can I play you a song mommy?"
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35806852_169998440538432_1760200098958016512_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=81250c147a016a816d3ee83b6d89d9b6&oe=5BEA341C)

"can I has coffee?"
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35812540_169998297205113_4906845804620152832_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=d1c9e3a3384a6e2b02748bae5626d047&oe=5BA8C291)

he was mad I didn't give him coffee (also, I look gross, this pic was after I went for a walk)
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35838258_169998363871773_5138443669719744512_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=ffd84f270eb18e0e42276359a82491c6&oe=5BB7B113)

Ohhh.. what a cutie cat!!!

Can it be Fall already?

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/36062860_171187660419510_7574081466791886848_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=1214af00791b4f0726492766e9a46835&oe=5BB5418C)

He looks so cute!
And a very curious

Glad you got to keep him!  :)

Hi, I hope everyone's having a great weekend!

Last night I went to a punk show. For a lot of people it was kind of a homecoming type thing, this popular local band from the 90's did a reunion set and then there was a cover band that played songs from a very popular local band from the 80's and 90's, the bands were great, it was very fun! I'm friends with people in both of those bands and one of them moved to California, so this was his first time seeing me as a woman and when I first got there he was walking by me and then noticed me and stopped to say hi and he smiled and said how happy he was for me, it was really sweet of him. I did have a couple awkward moments though. There was this one girl there that I've known for a long time, about 14 years or so, and this was her first time seeing me as Maddie and she came over to say how good I looked and she talked to me for a couple minutes and then her husband came up and kinda paused and said "so you're maddie now?". I don't think he meant anything bad but the way he said it sounded kinda awkward. whatever, i never cared much for him anyways lol. Then there was this other guy there that I've met a couple times and he was acting like we were old friends even though I barely know him. He seems nice but I always thought he was kinda annoying so I'd try to keep my distance from him, but he made it kinda hard last night. Towards the end of the night he came up to me and asked if he could talk to me for a couple minutes and I said yes and then he said how happy he was for me and asked if I was friends with this other trans woman from our local scene (which I am, she's a good person). His intentions were good but then a couple times he told me how before I came out I was a subject of discussion at one of his band's practices, which I thought was weird of him to tell me. I feel it's odd to know that a bunch of my friends were talking about me behind my back, he could  have left that part out. Whatever, I got to dance with a cute girl after that  :)

This morning I met a friend for brunch. He's an old friend of mine that I've kinda fallen out of touch with but he's a good guy. He told me that he had a feeling something was up with me years ago but didn't know exactly how intense it was for me. we just kinda caught up a bit over some food and then after that we walked to an antique store just down the street and spent maybe an hour or so in there. Lots of cool stuff there but I didn't buy anything. I might have to hit up some other antique stores soon though, I need stuff to decorate my apartment with, but I'm being super selective now, I used to just buy a lot of random junk

 Hi Maddy,

  Reading your updates is sounds and looks like you are doing well. It is nice that you have friends that support you as yourself. Most of what I read of your post are good and it is nice that it is that way for you. Just go forward and life life as you have never been able to in the past. You are young so get out there and enjoy life.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Sounds like lots of fun I've never been to any kind of concerts like you go to lots of fun reading about them
And decorating its sooo hard to make decisions :) 

Dear Maddie.... what a wonderful night that you experienced....  aside from the questionable comments from the husband of your friend and then the creepy guy that pretended to know you better than he should.... just be careful out there. 
I think that you are for sure enjoying yourself as Maddie.

Then, the next morning.... I am glad that you are being careful about buying too much stuff or as you called it "random junk"... if I recall correctly it wasn't to very long ago that you were selling your stuff to supplement your money supply.   I am thinking that it might be good to build up your rainy day fund.

Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on June 26, 2018, 12:16:09 AM
Dear Maddie.... what a wonderful night that you experienced....  aside from the questionable comments from the husband of your friend and then the creepy guy that pretended to know you better than he should.... just be careful out there. 
I think that you are for sure enjoying yourself as Maddie.

Then, the next morning.... I am glad that you are being careful about buying too much stuff or as you called it "random junk"... if I recall correctly it wasn't to very long ago that you were selling your stuff to supplement your money supply.   I am thinking that it might be good to build up your rainy day fund.

Hugs,
Danielle

yeah, My rainy day fund is starting to dry up! I haven't had steady work in almost 2 months, which was good for my mental health, but starting next week I'm going back to work with my dad. It's not only physically draining but working construction as a trans woman is mentally draining as well, BUT it's good money and this job should take me into October or November, after that I'm quitting construction. I know I've been saying that for a while now but I think it's best to keep going with it for the rest of this year, that way I can get another credit of benefits towards my pension and I'll have free health insurance for next year. I do have a few things I want to sell off but I'm also going to work on my savings account, my goal is to put away between $150 and $200 per week. at the end of the year I want to take a nice little trip somewhere or maybe pay off a bill but keep at LEAST half of it in savings. I just decided last night that some day I want to take a trip to Slovakia to visit the towns where my great grandparents are from, they're beautiful places! A trip like that is going to take a while to save up for!

hi! So I just wanna mention that one year ago today was my first time out in public as Maddie! Here's a couple pics from that night, this was 9 days before I started HRT

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/36788316_191960785008864_4317679942054707200_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=f3ef3388493f0affd5d1137f0a88a29c&oe=5BE15025)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/36819770_191960848342191_3620464964453531648_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=53b5098a3d4b395a725e990e3acd4d1c&oe=5BD9C573)

and now here's a recent one :)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/36783669_191960941675515_1419494048606978048_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=4db2ebd388b5b2b2a2f1acf8a435044d&oe=5BD8E06E)

in another week and a half it will be my one year anniversary of starting HRT! I'll wait until then to make a reflective post on here about the last year  :)

Hi Maddie,
As a person who is still only in the researching phase of all of this, you are super inspiring especially how positive you always seem! Thanks for being an inspiration!
XMaria

Quote from: Maria Procter on July 08, 2018, 04:31:16 PM
Hi Maddie,
As a person who is still only in the researching phase of all of this, you are super inspiring especially how positive you always seem! Thanks for being an inspiration!
XMaria

awww! Thank you for that comment, it makes me really happy to know that this thread makes a difference!

WOW Maddie looking great

HRT seems to have worked a little magic on you :D

You look fabulous in the photo with the other women and the two solo ones are really good.

Good luck going back to your job I have heard yopu desribe how mentally tough it can be to do the kind of work you are doing in that kind of environment. What yousay also makes perfect sense in sticking it out. I hope the benefits of your time off linger with you.

Take care

Liz

Wow Maddie you look amazing  :)

@Maddie
Dear Maddie: In a week and a half I will be looking forward to seeing your post
detailing your ONE YEAR HRT ANNIVERSARY !!!!
Allow me now to say Congratualtions to you for doing so well on your journey so far... your pictures are evidence of HRT doing it's magic along with how your dress, use cosmetics, style hair, and how your move and speak.

Please continue keeping your readers and followers up to date with your life events.
Hugs and well wishes
Danielle

awww thanks everyone!!

I'll try to get some new pics up by my next update, I'm overdue for a new profile pic!

@Maddie86

Living in a far away country does have one perk....I get to say
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADDIE!!  :icon_birthday:   to you before anyone else!

Hope you have a great day!

Sonja.

@Maddie
Dear Maddie... 
I am right after @Sonja....   HAPPY HRT Birthday !!!

Congratulations are certainly in order for you.   This is a happy and memorable day for you so write it down in your journal so you can reflect on the significance of this day in the future.

Hugs and well wishes....
Danielle

awwww thanks ladies!!!

I'll make a post tomorrow reflecting on the last year :)
I'll probably write it sometime in the morning, they're calling for thunderstorms so I don't think I can go for my usual jog. Then I have an appointment at 1 to take my cat to the vet, he has worms :(
tomorrow night should hopefully be fun though! I'm going to dinner and a baseball game with my mom and sister!

  Hi Maddy

  I hope you have a wonderful Birthday with wonderful family and friends if you can.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Happy late Birthday Maddie. Sorry Im late.

Chelsea

Quote from: Laurie on July 16, 2018, 09:20:52 PM
  Hi Maddy

  I hope you have a wonderful Birthday with wonderful family and friends if you can.

Hugs,
  Laurie

thank you!

Quote from: Chelsea on July 17, 2018, 11:44:06 AM
Happy late Birthday Maddie. Sorry Im late.

Chelsea

Thanks! you weren't late, yesterday was my actual birthday, but now I'm late with my responses lol

so yesterday was my birthday and it was a pretty nice day! I got up early and had cake for breakfast and then I went to jog it off lol

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37319461_205172347021041_8260064301755138048_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=a9ab1aa93ced22262aecf24732df368a&oe=5BE559D5)

after that I took my cat to get dewormed and then I went home to get ready for the rest of the night. My mom and sister took me out to dinner and my sister got me my first ever pair of earrings! I'm not pierced yet but they are cute and I'm excited to wear them some day! There was one woman who worked at the restaurant that used to live next door to me when I was a kid, so she's known me for a long time and she came over and talked to my mom and sister but didn't really say anything to me. it was a little awkward but whatever. After that we went to a baseball game and it was "bark at the park" night so my sister got to bring her dog :)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37261540_205172293687713_5557966450171314176_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=1e5a8c14032cdd91549cd0bd5a7f1359&oe=5BCB8FBE)

While we were at the game my mom went to the bathroom and I leaned over to my sister and said "wow, mom's actually been calling me Maddie all night!" and then my sister told me that she had a little talk with her, so that's awesome, BUT my mom keeps using male pronouns, so I'm going to have to say something about that, especially since the 3 of us are going on a trip tomorrow.

So overall it was a nice day, but I'm a little bummed that some certain people didn't wish me a happy birthday. I have a lot of family members that added me on my new facebook profile that I wasn't friends with on my old one, I guess maybe they just wanted to show that they supported me by adding me on my new one? Well if they really support me as a person they could take the time to wish me a happy birthday! My cousin's wife was on fb all day posting vacation pics, I'm sure at one point she saw the notification that it was my birthday. oh well, moving on....

yesterday was my one year anniversary on hormones!! here's a link to the thread I started to document it, I haven't posted in a while, but it's a good record of what I was going through

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226128.0.html

also, if you go to the MTF Transsexual Talk section of the board, check out the before and after thread, I made a post yesterday with a lot of pics!

So my last dosage increase with the HRT was back in April, and I did feel a surge when that happened but nothing really much happened since then, at least physically, but I've definitely been more emotional, I'm feeling pretty feminine now and I don't feel like a male at all! I feel like overall I'm a lot healthier than I was a year ago! The hair on my head has filled out a little and I no longer feel like I am balding! and it doesn't get tangled as much and it's a lot less greasy than it used to be. My skin is less greasy too and it's a lot softer! It use to get pretty blotchy, but it went away for a while but now that's come back a little, especially lately, maybe it's a weather thing, idk. As for my body hair, it has thinned out a lot, but I think it's done. I wish I had less hairs in certain areas, like my stomach, but the hair on my chest has pretty much disappeared, but I do have some hairs on my breasts that won't go away, but most of them are pretty light, aside from a couple dark ones right at the edge of my nipples. My leg hair has thinned out a lot but I still have a lot of hair on my back and arms, but the hair there is thinner and white. I looked at my sister last night and her arms had a lot of longer thin white hairs, and I've noticed it on other cis girls too. my breasts are still developing. I've had boobs since 3rd grade since I've always been overweight, but they've always been perkier than other male boobs lol. They're a C cup right now, but I was up to a DD back when I weighed 300lbs. There's actual breast tissue in there now though, and they're still sore all the time so they're definitely still active! My weight loss has slowed down a lot. Some of it is my fault but some of it is because of the hormones. I got down to the low 190s and then I got up into the lower 200s again, but I finally got back into a good routine where I feel like I'm finally stating to lose again, and I'm in the upper middle 190s now, which is the weight I maintained all winter. I would love if I can get back to the lower 190s or even into the 180s, but we'll see. My sex drive is nowhere near what it used to be, but I feel like lately it's been up a bit, but as of now I still don't think I'm ready to date, and I'm ok with that. The relationships I've developed over the last year or so have been great, I'm so much closer with so many amazing women and I can NEVER go back to being male! I still have some rough moments, but I'm definitely on my way to being happy and feeling at home in myself! Last year I was so hopeful on my birthday, this year I dunno, I still have a lot to figure out but I'm slowly getting there, and I'm hoping that the next year goes well for me :)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37298431_205536460317963_5520338645417984_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=79279ce061237bc934f1b1c020874ed3&oe=5BE64F84)

I forgot to mention a couple things!

Electrolysis: I started doing this a little over a year ago, and on average I go about once a month for an hour and a half. Sometimes I had 2 sessions a month, sometimes the sessions were 2 hours but I've found that I really can't handle more than an hour and a half. I do have numbing cream but it wears off fast. I had a session last month where most of my mustache looked cleared, I was so happy, I thought that maybe after one or two more sessions it would be gone. Most of it grew back and we worked on it again the other day and there was still a lot left and it was pretty discouraging. I HATE having a beard! I wish I could pull off the no makeup look but I can't do it while I'm growing stubble or if I have razor burn.

I also want to mention how things are going since I came out. I've been out since May 1st but I'm not exactly full time. I'm going back to work soon and while there I'll have to be in male mode, which sucks, but for now i dress female about 75% of the time I leave the house. So far no one has done anything mean to me in public. Strangers don't misgender me but sometimes I feel like I do get some weird looks but sometimes I feel like people go out of their way to be nice. The other day when I was on a jog I had 5 people say hello or good morning, which was nice. I'm really hoping that by the start of next year I can be 100% full time, but we'll see

Hi Maddie,

Well overall it sounds like you've had a great Birthday and your journey continues in a very positive way, your sister sounds really nice and your mum seems to be continuing to adjust positively to you.
Outside of the effects of hrt facial hair is definitely our enemy number one by what so many other girls have said, and myself included ( I haven't started hrt yet but maybe soon - but everyone recommends getting face done before hrt because of sensitivity...) 

Take care,

Sonja.

Quote from: Maddie86 on July 18, 2018, 10:19:07 AM
I forgot to mention a couple things!

Electrolysis: I started doing this a little over a year ago, and on average I go about once a month for an hour and a half. Sometimes I had 2 sessions a month, sometimes the sessions were 2 hours but I've found that I really can't handle more than an hour and a half. I do have numbing cream but it wears off fast. I had a session last month where most of my mustache looked cleared, I was so happy, I thought that maybe after one or two more sessions it would be gone. Most of it grew back and we worked on it again the other day and there was still a lot left and it was pretty discouraging. I HATE having a beard! I wish I could pull off the no makeup look but I can't do it while I'm growing stubble or if I have razor burn.

I also want to mention how things are going since I came out. I've been out since May 1st but I'm not exactly full time. I'm going back to work soon and while there I'll have to be in male mode, which sucks, but for now i dress female about 75% of the time I leave the house. So far no one has done anything mean to me in public. Strangers don't misgender me but sometimes I feel like I do get some weird looks but sometimes I feel like people go out of their way to be nice. The other day when I was on a jog I had 5 people say hello or good morning, which was nice. I'm really hoping that by the start of next year I can be 100% full time, but we'll see

Electrolysis sucks, I wish they could find a way to deal with hair easily and permanently and a low lost instead of having to resort to hair by hair removal. I understand your frustration, some days it just feels a bit like setting a match to money and having someone hurt you just for the heck of it.


It sounds like you are in for a bit of a rough time coming up. I hope you are able to deal with it without too much stress. It's great to hear you have had such a positive experience whilst out in the community, that always makes life easier  ;)

Take care

Liz

thank you for your responses Sonja and Elizabeth :)

so yesterday I went on a road trip with my mom and sister and it was pretty nice. Even though my mom called me Maddie the other night she went right back to calling me by my male name when this trip started, and that's even after I used the women's room with her at a rest stop! I did ask her to "please stop calling me that" at one point and she said sorry and then the rest of the trip she was good about calling me Maddie.

We went down to a couple small towns in Pennsylvania where my grandparents grew up, Houtzdale and Hawk Run. We went to visit the family graves and then we went antiquing. I found a lot of cute things at the antique stores and my sister ended up getting a school desk from the 30's, which is what she was trying to find because she's a school teacher. We stopped for dinner on the way home and that was nice too. I think we're going to make this a yearly trip! Here's a couple selfies I took at the antique stores :)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37347200_207584463446496_4031267565429850112_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=4cf9c4ad2eabf86eac82f54bb0d883d3&oe=5BD982A3)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37592871_207547870116822_4074187912353153024_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=a91fbe5ce47015bc35efd6423f96757f&oe=5BDC0104)

a couple downers to mention though. Still no word on when I'm going back to work, I'm pretty broke now. Also, my dad did wish me a happy birthday on tuesday but other than that he hasn't said anything about wanting to see me. We usually go out to dinner and/or a baseball game and this year he hasn't asked me about doing anything for my birthday, so I can only assume he's embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I talked to him this morning in hopes that he would ask me to do something, and then I even asked him what he was doing this weekend and he just said that he was hanging out with his dogs. sigh. Then I have a friend who had a birthday yesterday. He used to be my best friend but we've grown apart over the years. he didn't wish me a happy birthday on tuesday but I wished him one yesterday via text and he didn't respond. I know he's made anti-trans comments in the past about other girls, so I guess I should just forget about him.

Hi Maddie

Good on you for being strong with your Mum. Family always presents a special challenge. Sometimes I think people just need reminded that things have changed and the old behaviour is no longer appropriate. They will revert to what is comfortable for them in the hope you are "not too bothered by it" after all its "no big deal" but a gentle reminder and they don't slip up again.

Things with your Dad don't sound like they are progressing well at all. I hear your sadness and dissappointment over it and I can relate due to the situation with my own parent. It is a horrible situation as you cannot even really mourn the loss you feel is happening as they slowly seperate from you. I hope you can resolve this problem with your Dad sooner rather than later.

Take Care

Liz

Hi Maddie happy late birthday sorry for the late message
Your trip sounds fun sory to hear that your mum keeps getting you name wrong .
I hope things work out with your dad and he takes you out for a nice night.
Hair removal is such a nightmare I've  had 6 laser sessions and chin and upper lip dont want to go
I hope all is wexxx Chloe

Quote from: ElizabethK on July 21, 2018, 04:58:22 AM
Hi Maddie

Good on you for being strong with your Mum. Family always presents a special challenge. Sometimes I think people just need reminded that things have changed and the old behaviour is no longer appropriate. They will revert to what is comfortable for them in the hope you are "not too bothered by it" after all its "no big deal" but a gentle reminder and they don't slip up again.

Things with your Dad don't sound like they are progressing well at all. I hear your sadness and dissappointment over it and I can relate due to the situation with my own parent. It is a horrible situation as you cannot even really mourn the loss you feel is happening as they slowly seperate from you. I hope you can resolve this problem with your Dad sooner rather than later.

Take Care

Liz

Quote from: Chloe_freebird on July 22, 2018, 05:47:02 PM
Hi Maddie happy late birthday sorry for the late message
Your trip sounds fun sory to hear that your mum keeps getting you name wrong .
I hope things work out with your dad and he takes you out for a nice night.
Hair removal is such a nightmare I've  had 6 laser sessions and chin and upper lip dont want to go
I hope all is wexxx Chloe

Thank you both for your responses!

My dad did finally invite me over to his house yesterday, but it wasn't birthday related at all, there was  no mention of my special day and he didn't give me a card or anything, he just wanted to have me and my sister and her husband over for dinner. It was alright but a little awkward, he hugged my sister when she got there but for my greeting he went to give me a high five, wtf? Even before transition he used to hug me. It's so odd, even when I used to be really depressed he seemed proud of me, but now I can tell that he still loves me but I don't think I can say that he's proud of me, I just don't think he knows how to deal with this. My step mom calls me Maddie all the time, which is awesome, I'm friends with her on social media and I think that helps a lot since she's constantly seeing pictures of me as a female with a female name, but my dad called me by my old name once or twice last night.

Other than that, not a bad weekend, for the most part. Saturday night I got to go out to dinner with two friends that I never really get to see and both of them got me some presents, so that was sweet. I had a good time but then after I went to a friend's housewarming party and that was a little awkward. I knew a few people there but there were some others that I didn't know too well and at one point I just ended up standing in a corner by myself playing Solitaire on my phone. After about 15 minutes of that I decided to leave. My one friend had to leave early so he said bye to everyone and then last second I said "hey, I'll step out with you real quick, I need some air", then I didn't go back inside.

Then the next day I got brunch with a friend, it was very good! She got me a cat carrier for my birthday since I've just been borrowing hers for the last month lol, it's pink!

Hi Maddie

I hear your pain in regards your father in your post. I can so relate to the issues you describe with your father. I am separated by 3000ks from mine but we manage to speak face to face via skype every few month now much less than we used to.. When I first started skyping him prior to transition it was a couple of hours every week with him. Once I began to transition the rot set in to the point now where we have skyped 3 times so far this year. Its been over 2 months since our last one and I don't know how long it will be until the next.

Up until the last call I had with him he had been aggressive and combative with me, not treating me badly but still as the son I once was. Something happened recently (he says he watched a doco) to turn him around and he actually called me his daughter for the first time on our last call...he managed to reduce me to tears with what he said. This is 3 years after I started my transition so I am hoping we have finally put the worst behind us. So don't give up this could be just your Dad trying to sort things out for himself...is it worth sitting him down and asking if he is OK. I have to admit my Dad's response would have been angry and accusatory going on previous experience.

I hope you and your Dad are able to find some way to common ground so you can at least communicate in a reasonable manner. If he is anything like mine he eventually realised that my transition was going to happen whether he liked/wanted it too or not and now he also has to grudgingly admit it has made me so much happier than he has ever really seen me so if he wants the best for me then he now knows transition was the best thing for me. Some others in my family have yet to understand this.

I hope you can work this out, it may as in the case of my father just take time.

Take care
Liz

Quote from: ElizabethK on July 23, 2018, 06:41:03 PM
Hi Maddie

I hear your pain in regards your father in your post. I can so relate to the issues you describe with your father. I am separated by 3000ks from mine but we manage to speak face to face via skype every few month now much less than we used to.. When I first started skyping him prior to transition it was a couple of hours every week with him. Once I began to transition the rot set in to the point now where we have skyped 3 times so far this year. Its been over 2 months since our last one and I don't know how long it will be until the next.

Up until the last call I had with him he had been aggressive and combative with me, not treating me badly but still as the son I once was. Something happened recently (he says he watched a doco) to turn him around and he actually called me his daughter for the first time on our last call...he managed to reduce me to tears with what he said. This is 3 years after I started my transition so I am hoping we have finally put the worst behind us. So don't give up this could be just your Dad trying to sort things out for himself...is it worth sitting him down and asking if he is OK. I have to admit my Dad's response would have been angry and accusatory going on previous experience.

I hope you and your Dad are able to find some way to common ground so you can at least communicate in a reasonable manner. If he is anything like mine he eventually realised that my transition was going to happen whether he liked/wanted it too or not and now he also has to grudgingly admit it has made me so much happier than he has ever really seen me so if he wants the best for me then he now knows transition was the best thing for me. Some others in my family have yet to understand this.

I hope you can work this out, it may as in the case of my father just take time.

Take care
Liz

Thanks for your response. My dad and I are gunna have a lot of time to work things out, I just found out a couple days ago that I'm finally going back to work on monday and I'll be right along side my dad... for 10 hours a day... until November. I can tell he still cares about me and loves me but I just think he's a little disappointed because I was his only son. When I first came out he tried to call me Maddie but it doesn't even seem like he makes an effort anymore. It sucks because he's the kind of guy  who can fly off the handle at any given moment if he's having a bad day, so I do have to watch what I say and bite my tongue at times, so we'll see how this goes, I might just have to bottle stuff up for a few months and then let it all out when the job is almost over.

@Maddie
Dear Maddie     (note: this got a little long but hopefully you will find it worth reading)

There is nothing that can be said that will make the pain go away... I think that the best thing you can do is to keep trying to have decent communications with your Dad....  even when he displays anger and "flies off the handle" it is up to you how your react to that.  If you then respond to to his anger with your own anger and cutting words that is not going to help... it is counter productive so, yes, bite your tongue and control your emotions.
I know,  I know.... easier said than done.

You don't have to do too much reading of others comments on your thread and also all around the forums to see that you are not alone.  Hopefully that will provide so solace for you.   Parental acceptance can be the most difficult gauntlet for any transistioner to overcome.   It is somewhat understandable that they can be confused and even angry over our decisions to transition. 

My own dad still won't pick up the phone to talk to me even after my 4 years of transtioning....  last Christmas my mom handed him the phone, he addressed me by my old dead name, said just a few mumbled words and that was the end of the conversation.   My mom, for the very first time, just last Christmas when I called as she ended the fairly tense and very brief conversation with me, she said "I love you Danielle"   ..... WOW, I did not expect that.   
I live many states away and have not been back to see them since I became full-time and moved here to start over again over 20 months ago.   With only one exception any long time friends that I had back "home" won't return my emails or pick up the phone when I call.....  but I am coping because I am now surrounding myself with an entirely new set of good friends and acquaintances... and even a few Suitors....   so that is how I stay upbeat and deal with all of that.

I trust that you and your dad will reconcile your relationship, even just a little would be good, but until then, be the best person you can be and don't return anger with anger... that is never productive... it may make you feel better for just a short time, but it is not the right thing to do.

Please keep us posted as you always do.... 
***oh, and your before and after pictures that you just posted on the
"The All New 'Before & After' Topic (v 4.0)" thread are terrific and encouraging.... clearly displaying the results of your hard work and determination to make your continuing transition journey a success.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Hi everyone! Just thought I'd give a little update, some good and some bad.

First off, I just wanna say that today marks 3 months since I came out on social media! So much has happened since then, most of which has been great, but I've still had some downers. There will always be downers though, it's just part of life and I gotta do my best not to let things get to me.

I started work again on Monday, and it's actually been about 3 months since I had a job. It will be nice to start building up a savings account again! I spent everything I had while unemployed. So far work has been alright. I'm doing construction and my dad is actually the foreman on the job. for the last few days I've mostly been scraping caulk off of a sidewalk that we need to replace. It's pretty easy but I have to be on my knees when I do it, so it gets uncomfortable and standing up and sitting down so many times a day has given my butt a good workout, it's been sore the last couple days and I haven't been able to go for a run since Sunday. I've been eating pretty bad this week too so I'm going to skip my weigh in this week in hopes that next week I can get back into the swing of things. I know next week I'll probably have more heavy duty stuff to do but I'll mostly be using my arms, so hopefully I'll have the energy to go jogging. Right now I don't even have the energy to go grocery shopping after work because I really don't feel like spending an hour or more taking a shower and then doing my hair and makeup only to go out for a half hour. It honestly feels like I'm putting my transition on hold for a while.

I'm still in the closet for work, and I guess it's for the best. Today during lunch one of the guys mentioned that he worked in Hudson NY yesterday, which has a good LGBTQ population, and he said that the town is "getting bad" because there seems to be more of them now. No one really said anything too bad, and there was nothing trans specific, but I could tell that no one really had a good opinion of gay people. They were pretty much saying that the gay community doesn't need to be so "in your face" about it and that they could just keep it to themselves. ugh. then my dad asked me on the ride home if I was upset about the conversation (he didn't take part in any of it). He did call me Sunday night though to ask if I was going to work as a guy or girl, which is something we discussed before, but he said he was just asking because he was concerned for my safety. No one on this job knows that I'm trans and there's only one guy on the site that I haven't worked with before and everyone's always been nice to me, so even if they did find out I don't think they'd want to do me any harm, I just think they'd be weirded out, I dunno. It's not like I wanna go to a construction job as a female anyways, my clothes and makeup would get ruined!

Still, even presenting as male I can still see a female when I look in my reflection. I'll look in a window and see my long hair in a pony tale and my breasts still stick out and I have a feminine face, and I try to keep my sleeves rolled up so I don't get a t-shirt tan lol. And I see it in my attitude too. My dad can be quick to anger and have a fit if something frustrates him. I used to be just like that and when I see him do that it's just a reminder of how far I've come, I'm not like that anymore.

This job is supposed to last until November 1st but they might extend it if the weather is ok. I've already ran into an odd situation. This job is in the same town as my gender doctor. I originally had an appointment for Friday the 17th but for some reason they changed it to Monday the 20th. I have electrolysis on that day so I called them to change it.  Since I'm working in the same town as my doctor, I have a few options. I could go to the appointment after work, all dirty, as a boy. I don't want to do that. I could go up and work a half day, drive an hour to go home and shower and dress as maddie, and then drive an hour to go back, and then another hour back home. I don't want to do that. So I thought of a 3rd option. I scheduled my appointment in the morning, so I'm not gunna go work at 7, I'm gunna stay home and get ready and then go to my appointment at 9:40 as Maddie. Then after my appointment I'll go find a secluded area and take off my makeup and change into my work clothes and go to work by 11. You ever see a sitcom where someone makes 2 dates in the same night and they go out to the same restaurant and then keep sneaking off to the other table? I feel like a real Pete Brady right now, ew.

On the plus side, I'm making plans for fun things to do to keep me sane. Fall is my favorite season and since it'll be here soon I've decided that I want to get out of town a few times for some day trips on the weekend. I've been wanting to go to Sleepy Hollow for a few years now, I'm always trying to get friends to go with me and they never want to, so I decided I'm gunna go alone. It's 3 hours from me but I think it will still be fun. I also want to go up to Saratoga Springs and check out this pumpkin festival and then drive to Schuylerville and go to the cemetery near the old Revolutionary War battlefield. I've been there once and it was really cool but I didn't have much time to explore. There's a couple other trips I had in mind but those are the 2 I really wanna do.

Speaking of Fall, Halloween is 3 months from yesterday! Last night I decided to practice my pumpkin carving lol
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/38125788_222076825330593_3527480202395385856_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=af440eaecf4c566a152f88c9609490e2&oe=5BD2B9B1)
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/38184726_222076765330599_2916645761670184960_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=823b5bd19ec32f447b576f54ab8bb284&oe=5C0939F9)
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/38160624_222117175326558_3361043326252875776_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=5f37ac2a613de1f8d1f10ea1aa127bc4&oe=5BC942D7)

I think that's it for now, thanks for reading! oh and Danielle, if you're reading this, sorry I forgot to reply to your last post! thank you for your response! Your replies are always comforting!

Thanks for the update @Maddie

I think you are a hell of a brave girl doing what you are, I understand you need to work though. I had a look at your "boy mode" pics, it is a pretty good disguise but any other woman will pick you out as a girl...too many girl tells...most guys are not observant enough on a casual glance to see what I see and what you see. But as you said you don't think they would do you any harm even if they knew but unfortunately how someone reacts can be the big unknown factor.

That was good your Dad asked you about the conversation, I am curious, do you think he realises how difficult this swapping back and forth is for you? I know my Dad until recently thought it was something I could do at a whim until I explained the obvious pitfalls for me for doing it.

I have a picture in my head of superwoman changing in a telephone box type visions but of you in your car...a sudden flurry of chaotic activity, a blur of colour and there sits Maddie magically in disguise as a construction worker...  ;) :D LOL

When I saw the carved pumpkin I thought OMG is it that that time of the year again!!...still got a couple of months I think. I don't know that I trust my ability with a sharp knife and a pumpkin...I would surely end up cutting a part of me off!!

Take care

Liz

@Maddie86
Dear Maddie:
I give you kudos for the way that you are handling many of your issues with your dad.
Also how you are able to handle changing from male-mode to female presentation, etc.
Your pictures that you post show wonderful progress as you keep heading for your goal.

Keep on keeping on and keep your update reports coming.
Hugs,
Danielle

Elizabeth and Danielle, thanks for your responses!

Quote from: ElizabethK on August 01, 2018, 09:58:36 PM

That was good your Dad asked you about the conversation, I am curious, do you think he realises how difficult this swapping back and forth is for you? I know my Dad until recently thought it was something I could do at a whim until I explained the obvious pitfalls for me for doing it.

I don't think he realizes how much I hate it. Honestly, he's a pretty oblivious person, even before transition when I was living as a 300lb alcoholic male he didn't have any idea how miserable I was. I still don't really think he knows what to make of me. When people were saying anti-gay stuff yesterday he asked me about it, yet today one guy was sexualizing women and my dad was getting in on it too and he was practically drooling, and then later he was talking about how annoying women can be and it just really frustrates me, he would never say those things around his wife or my sister, so he obviously doesn't see me as a girl, and he still thinks that I like girls because when he talks about them he kinda looks over to me for validation like I'm going to agree with him. NO! I hate having to bite my tongue. Even today, when we were leaving this one girl on campus smiled at him when we were walking back to the truck. Keep in mind that he's married and almost 60 and she's late teens or early 20's. We leave and he drives us the opposite way we usually go, which takes a few minutes longer. I asked why he went that way and he said a pretty girl smiled at him and he wanted to get a better look. Yes, I know that's something that most guys would do, but it really annoyed me, he acts like such a kid sometimes and I can't stand it.

Another thing that kinda stinks is that the town I'm working in makes me pretty emotional. My best friend went to school there, and I do kind of dwell on who I was back then and regret not visiting her more, but I had a few milestones up there. One of the first times I dressed as a woman in front of people was at a halloween party she had up there, my one friend bought me my first bra for it! Some of my first times getting drunk were up there, I remember one night my friend and I were walking downtown to get pizza and then I thought it would be funny to run off so I started running and then I fell and I just sat on the ground laughing until my friend caught up to me  :D Another friend of mine went to school there too and I had a huge crush on her and she made a habit of ignoring me when I went up to visit my other friend, so most of the time I was up there I was totally crushed and in bad spirits. This town is definitely an old haunt.

I hope things get better. I wanted to go grocery shopping last night but I didn't. Today the local cider mill opened for the season and I really wanted to go, I've been looking forward to it for a month, and when I got there the line was out the door, so I said screw it and left. I was still in my male work clothes and I was afraid of running into someone I knew. I hate that the simplest little things are so much harder for me to do now, I pretty much have to wait until the weekend to do anything now. Then on the way home there was so much traffic that it actually took me 15 to 20 minutes to drive like 2 miles! I wanted to scream because I was so frustrated but I also wanted to cry because I was really hungry and all I had back at my apartment was microwave popcorn and hot pockets  :embarrassed:

Sigh. I've been pretty emotional lately, today and yesterday I'd get all pouty and act like a baby if something didn't go my way. I got out of work early today because of rain and then I had a little episode when I was on my way home and then when I got home my cat gave me  a really nice greeting and was super cuddly for like 10 minutes and he was so cute and it made me want to cry. I hate how I'm acting right now!

and I found out something interesting this morning. My sister texted me and said I'm not the only trans person in our family. My cousin has a teenager that came out as ftm last year, I had no idea! the last time I saw them was at my grandma's funeral 8 years ago. I think they were about 5 at the time and I remember thinking how cute this kid was when they were handing out flowers, they were really shy!

Quote from: Maddie86 on August 03, 2018, 11:46:55 AM
Sigh. I've been pretty emotional lately, today and yesterday I'd get all pouty and act like a baby if something didn't go my way. I got out of work early today because of rain and then I had a little episode when I was on my way home and then when I got home my cat gave me  a really nice greeting and was super cuddly for like 10 minutes and he was so cute and it made me want to cry. I hate how I'm acting right now!

and I found out something interesting this morning. My sister texted me and said I'm not the only trans person in our family. My cousin has a teenager that came out as ftm last year, I had no idea! the last time I saw them was at my grandma's funeral 8 years ago. I think they were about 5 at the time and I remember thinking how cute this kid was when they were handing out flowers, they were really shy!

@Maddie86
Emotions as we progress in our transition can also be a right of passage experience.

Oh, that is interesting about other trans people in your family... it might be fun to meet with them on that level.

Hang in there and enjoy the many new emotions that are now "available " to you.
Hugs,
Danielle

Well last night was nice, I went out to dinner with a friend and it was the first time I got to feel normal all week, it was such a relief to be able to go out as myself! The waiter kept referring to my friend and I as "ladies", which is a lot nicer than my dad calling me "bro" the other day, the pausing and saying "uh, I mean... son". ugh. I went out as a male on friday because I had a few errands to do, one of which was laundry. the place I go to is pretty sketchy, a few people there definitely seemed like heavy drug users, and then there's usually a bunch of kids who can get pretty annoying, so I don't feel comfortable going there as a woman. When I go out as Maddie I wanna go places where I have an easy escape if something bad happens, and if I run into someone who gives me trouble it might get bad if I have to wait around for my laundry to get done!

I've been pretty ridiculous the last few days. I've been getting extra frustrated while being stuck in traffic and I would actually start to yell at cars. I got out of work early friday because of rain and then around 2pm I got stuck behind a lot of cars and yelled "why are there so many of you?! you should all be at work!"... then later that night I had a glass of wine and my cat seemed very interested in it and I actually lectured him about underage drinking.  ::) I think there's not only been a spike in my estrogen but maybe my testosterone too? my sex drive has been up lately, and yesterday in the shower I seemed to lose more hair than I usually do, and lately I've had a hard time getting some of my makeup to stay on certain parts of my face. I've fought sweat before but I usually overcome it, so I'm wondering if it won't stay on because my skin is starting to get greasy like it was before HRT. ugh! I go back to the doctor in 3 weeks, I'll probably go get my blood tests done next weekend, hopefully things are just a little off right now and they settle down by next saturday.

So I played around with some lipstick last night and I think I found my fall look, I'm digging the darker red! This brand doesn't seem to wanna stay on too good though, so hopefully I can find a similar shade made by Too Faced, I have good luck with them!

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/38521721_227230868148522_2197170711603183616_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=7ea58ce94e7c4ad921bd8c357aad7be3&oe=5C039E1E)

Quote from: Maddie86 on August 05, 2018, 10:28:54 AM
Well last night was nice, I went out to dinner with a friend and it was the first time I got to feel normal all week, it was such a relief to be able to go out as myself! The waiter kept referring to my friend and I as "ladies", which is a lot nicer than my dad calling me "bro" the other day, the pausing and saying "uh, I mean... son". ugh. I went out as a male on friday because I had a few errands to do, one of which was laundry. the place I go to is pretty sketchy, a few people there definitely seemed like heavy drug users, and then there's usually a bunch of kids who can get pretty annoying, so I don't feel comfortable going there as a woman. When I go out as Maddie I wanna go places where I have an easy escape if something bad happens, and if I run into someone who gives me trouble it might get bad if I have to wait around for my laundry to get done!

I've been pretty ridiculous the last few days. I've been getting extra frustrated while being stuck in traffic and I would actually start to yell at cars. I got out of work early friday because of rain and then around 2pm I got stuck behind a lot of cars and yelled "why are there so many of you?! you should all be at work!"... then later that night I had a glass of wine and my cat seemed very interested in it and I actually lectured him about underage drinking.  ::) I think there's not only been a spike in my estrogen but maybe my testosterone too? my sex drive has been up lately, and yesterday in the shower I seemed to lose more hair than I usually do, and lately I've had a hard time getting some of my makeup to stay on certain parts of my face. I've fought sweat before but I usually overcome it, so I'm wondering if it won't stay on because my skin is starting to get greasy like it was before HRT. ugh! I go back to the doctor in 3 weeks, I'll probably go get my blood tests done next weekend, hopefully things are just a little off right now and they settle down by next saturday.

So I played around with some lipstick last night and I think I found my fall look, I'm digging the darker red! This brand doesn't seem to wanna stay on too good though, so hopefully I can find a similar shade made by Too Faced, I have good luck with them!

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/38521721_227230868148522_2197170711603183616_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=7ea58ce94e7c4ad921bd8c357aad7be3&oe=5C039E1E)

@Maddie86
Dear Maddie:
Well, other than your makeup issues, this is a very good report.  Be sure to fill us all in on what your doctor says to you regarding your bloodtest results and other important transition issues that you might want to share with your followers.

Your picture looks terrific with the darker lipstick... did you do your nails in a similar shade perhaps????
I love how your hair looks in your picture too.  I love how you did that little wavy bang in the front just over your left eye.... and your dress, at least the top of it seen in the picture looks nice on you.

Thank you for sharing all of this with your followers.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

Hon anti depressants are a last resort as they take away all feeling. No joy. No sadness. Just one long string of days without feeling. Actually for me E was what brought me back to normal.  I now have a desire to be happy and positive. People used to say I was the most negative person they have ever met.I didn't realize it at the time just how bad I was. Please reconsider. See if you can talk it out with your therapist.  Maddie don't be so hard on yourself. They are the ones with the problem, not you.  Hugs

Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk

Quote from: Maddie86 on August 05, 2018, 10:28:54 AM


........ then later that night I had a glass of wine and my cat seemed very interested in it and I actually lectured him about underage drinking.  ::) I think there's not only been a spike in my estrogen but maybe my testosterone too? my sex drive has been up lately, and yesterday in the shower I seemed to lose more hair than I usually do, and lately I've had a hard time getting some of my makeup to stay on certain parts of my face. I've fought sweat before but I usually overcome it, so I'm wondering if it won't stay on because my skin is starting to get greasy like it was before HRT. ugh! I go back to the doctor in 3 weeks, I'll probably go get my blood tests done next weekend, hopefully things are just a little off right now and they settle down by next saturday.

So I played around with some lipstick last night and I think I found my fall look, I'm digging the darker red! This brand doesn't seem to wanna stay on too good though, so hopefully I can find a similar shade made by Too Faced, I have good luck with them!

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/38521721_227230868148522_2197170711603183616_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=7ea58ce94e7c4ad921bd8c357aad7be3&oe=5C039E1E)

Hi Maddie

I think its too cute you lectured your cat about the evils of underage drinking...the real question is has the cat reoffended? Did it get the message LOL...


I am a worrier about hair loss in the shower and a few things that I do to help prevent it are wash it gently, massage the scalp, conditioner is for the long part of the hair and not the scalp, use your fingers to detangle, wet hair stretches and is prone to breakages. Having long hair you probably know all that anyway...sorry if you already know all that...

Some girls like you can pull off wearing red lipstick unfortunately I am not one of those girls...I always look like I should be wearing a brightly coloured nose to match when I wear red lipstick. I agree I think you have found your colour


Take care

Liz

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on August 06, 2018, 08:30:18 PM
@Maddie86
Your picture looks terrific with the darker lipstick... did you do your nails in a similar shade perhaps????
I love how your hair looks in your picture too.  I love how you did that little wavy bang in the front just over your left eye.... and your dress, at least the top of it seen in the picture looks nice on you.

Thank you for sharing all of this with your followers.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

aw, thanks! I didn't paint my nails last weekend but I should have, I think I'm going to do them this weekend and I'm thinking about doing them black! and it's funny, the wave was kind of an accident lol, I pinned my hair up and it just dried like that! and I wasn't wearing a dress, it was just a black top and I wore jeans with it, but thanks though! I need to get some more casual dresses, I feel like a lot of the ones I have are too much for a casual dinner with a friend. I think I'm set with summer clothes for this year, I'll focus on better ones next year, fall is just around the corner and that's my favorite season so I'll focus on getting some good clothes for that :)

Quote from: DawnOday on August 07, 2018, 02:58:20 AM
Hon anti depressants are a last resort as they take away all feeling. No joy. No sadness. Just one long string of days without feeling. Actually for me E was what brought me back to normal.  I now have a desire to be happy and positive. People used to say I was the most negative person they have ever met.I didn't realize it at the time just how bad I was. Please reconsider. See if you can talk it out with your therapist.  Maddie don't be so hard on yourself. They are the ones with the problem, not you.

honestly, I've always been a pretty negative person. It's something that I really tried to get free from when I came out and it worked for a while but it's all coming back. Depression can be hereditary and I'm pretty sure that's how I got it, my mom is definitely depressed and negative all the time. I could see it in my grandmother too and I think she got it from her dad, I've been going through so many old photos with my sister and there's a lot of pictures of my great grandfather, and there's not one where he's smiling, he's not even smiling in the one where he's having a drink with his son who just got home from the war!

I don't have much of a middle ground, I'm sad a lot of the time or the times that I get happy I'm super excitable to the point where I annoy people. I was thinking about trying to start with a low dose of some sort of medication to even me out. I could stand to have less highs, but I don't want to have no highs at all, especially with my favorite season coming up, and one of my best friends is about to give birth! I know I have a lot to be happy about, I look back on my old self and see that I really have come a long way, but somehow it doesn't feel like enough, I still feel invisible a lot of the time and that I don't matter and that not much would be different if I never existed. I hate feeling like that and when the negative thoughts come in I tend to dwell on them and it's hard for me to shake them off.

Quote from: LizK on August 07, 2018, 04:23:57 AM
Hi Maddie

I think its too cute you lectured your cat about the evils of underage drinking...the real question is has the cat reoffended? Did it get the message LOL...


I am a worrier about hair loss in the shower and a few things that I do to help prevent it are wash it gently, massage the scalp, conditioner is for the long part of the hair and not the scalp, use your fingers to detangle, wet hair stretches and is prone to breakages. Having long hair you probably know all that anyway...sorry if you already know all that...

Some girls like you can pull off wearing red lipstick unfortunately I am not one of those girls...I always look like I should be wearing a brightly coloured nose to match when I wear red lipstick. I agree I think you have found your colour


Take care

Liz

aw, thanks! so far my kitty has stayed away from the hard stuff. I had a glass tonight while I took a bath and he didn't seem interested in the wine at all, but he did seem very concerned about the bath, he kept standing up and peering in and giving me this worried little meow, it was so cute!

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/38904790_234048520800090_2080455817147973632_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=8955065f014dcd4cde45886e642fc046&oe=5BC716DF)

So a couple of things to mention, I'll start off with something positive... my friends finally told their 8 year old daughter about my transition! They said she took it well and asked a couple questions but then got embarrassed and didn't really say anything else lol. She has always adored me, so I knew she would be supportive, I think the biggest concern is being mature about it and keeping it to herself. She's having a birthday party on sunday that I'm going to but her parents and I thought it would be best if I go see her tomorrow so she can get used to seeing me as a woman, it would be weird if her first time seeing me like that was in a room full of people. I'm a little nervous about the party because I know some of my friends' family is a little narrow minded, but others are pretty open and accepting, so we'll see.

speaking of people being narrow minded, I'm pretty damn sick of working with my dad, and it's only been 2 weeks, I forgot just how bad he can be sometimes. I remember over the winter he asked me if I thought he was racist. I didn't answer, but now I definitely have an answer. So with a lot of state funded construction jobs, a certain percentage of the workers have to be a minority, and although they don't say it on paper, they mean a black person. They've used women before for their workers but I guess recently a guy told the company off the record that it's preferred if the minority is black. We actually had a black guy working with us last week and the fired him and replaced him with a white guy the next day, and now they have to hire another black guy, so it was really stupid to fire the other one in the first place. My dad called the union hall and asked if they had a black guy and they called him back and said they found someone we can use, and then my dad asked how he was, and my dad actually asked if the guy used drugs. He would NOT have asked that question if they were sending us a white guy. and then he asked our boss that if this guy doesn't work out he can just call and get a white guy next time. The whole conversation made me sick. Our boss is a big Trump supporter and he just started spewing off all this ignorant stuff about work and how obama was actually trying to keep people from working so he could destroy the country, it was absurd and I just wanted to effing scream but I bit my tongue. I know that the actual owner of the company doesn't think like that, he's a good guy but I guess he hires ignorant people. Only 3 more months of this and then hopefully I'm done with it and can find something new. The money is good and I need to save as much as I can while I'm working. I got my first paycheck this week and it was more than I was expecting. My first couple checks are going to be used to catch up on  few things but after that I should be able to get ahead again.

oh and here's something random... So a few times I've had friends send me stuff to my apartment and they wrote my female name on it. It's not my legal name yet and twice my friends have had stuff sent back to them, but other times I've gotten stuff. I was telling my mom about it and she said that when my sister's boyfriend moved into my mom's house they wouldn't deliver mail to him there until his name was on the mailbox. So the other day I put Maddie on the mailbox and then today I got the mail and it was the card that my friend sent to me that got sent back to her, so yay! I don't have to worry about my mail now!

@Maddie86
Dear Maddie: 
I really enjoyed reading your comprehensive update here on your thread.
As usually with our life's path there are postives and negatives....  I am thinking from reading your report that the postives are out numbering the negatives....   so that is a good thing!!!

.... and your last bit of good news.... putting your name "Maddie" on your mailbox!!!!  Yes!!!!

Keep your updates coming, good or bad... it is called "life"
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Give that girl the gold medal in patience...Maddie I don't know how you do it...I know I have said that before but you have a tough task doing what your doing and then doing it in guy mode OMG.

IMHO Racism, sexism, misogyny all come from a mind set and a belief system, not facts and should be relegated to history's dustbin. It is very difficult to listen to that kind of conversation especially when it happens with your own father. It changes how we see them....fair and right don't matter anymore...they can be set aside when you are a racist.


Nice catch with the mail...nice to know you have solved that little problem.  ;D

Take care

Liz

Time for a small update I guess. Things at work haven't been as bad this week as far as people being ignorant, but it was still a rough week for me. I don't know what it was, but I've been having a hard time handling my emotions lately, I'm either happy go lucky or really sad, it's crazy and I don't know what's causing it. I've had issues with anxiety for years, I remember in my early 20s there were times where I would just randomly start shaking because of it and that's happened to me a couple times recently and I have no idea why.

This weekend was off to a little rough start but I did end up having fun last night. Friday it was really humid, I got out of the shower and was about to put on makeup and my face just would not dry up, so I decided screw it, I'm not even going to attempt putting on foundation. I really needed it though, my face was super blotchy and I feel like my beard shadow was coming through even though I just shaved before I took a shower. I just threw on some mascara and eyeshadow and called it a day. I went to JC Penneys and I did get a couple things but Sephora was out of the lipstick I wanted. Then I went grocery shopping and I feel like I did get a few odd stares from people but whatever, I ain't there to make friends, trans girls gotta eat too!

Saturday morning I went to get blood work done for my upcoming doctor's visit. I swear they used to open at 6 on saturdays but apparently they just open at 7 now. I got there at 6:40 and had to wait around. I went in boy mode too. I know it says gender dysphoria right on the papers but I'm still worried about insurance covering those tests because it says in my health plan packet that my plan "does not cover anything related to sex change". I was starving and felt light headed after they took my blood, so I went out to a diner that I barely go to anymore. I used to go there once a week before I transitioned, and even though I love the food I feel like the owners and staff aren't exactly the most open and accepting people, so I'm kinda scared to go there as a girl. Then a couple hours later I got into it with my cat. He was hanging out in my bedroom window and when he went to leave his foot got caught in the drawstring from the blinds and it startled him and he tried to run and then he knocked down the blinds and broke the plastic bar that holds them in place. I got mad and took the blinds and threw them on the floor (I made sure he saw me do it but he was far away, I had no intention of harming him) and then I gave him a really mad stare for a while. He got scared and ran and hid for a few hours and that made me feel really bad but eventually he came out and we're all good now.

Things turned around though. There's this one friend who I feel like has been trying to avoid me for some reason. I was probably imagining that, I can be paranoid at times, but anyways she and I hung out last night and had a really good time. I'm hesitant to ever ask her to get together but I decided to go for it on friday night and she said she had plans but then she asked if we could do saturday or sunday instead, so yay! We met up at home goods and then went to ac moore, tj maxx, and target. There was so much cute halloween stuff out and it really cheered me up, I LOVE fall colors, they're so relaxing! after that we went out and got dinner and I got lasagna because I've really been craving it a lot lately and the restaurant we went to had a really good version of it! here's a couple selfies from yesterday

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/39616356_245805609624381_6132924363353096192_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=74414f2679df7c9741b15a1de097d3ad&oe=5BF458E8)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/39468398_245805642957711_3942847434484350976_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=4912c2518e2ce56b33e5dd51be43b19e&oe=5C076E96)

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/39521863_243874119817530_7051540446887018496_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=b02b49c2a81dba0535d1a4a91576c863&oe=5BFE71FB)

oh I forgot to mention! I was at a drive thru yesterday and when the cashier went to hand me my food she said "I upsized your fries because your lipstick's so pretty"

awwww!!!! I'm still blushing over that lol

This morning I got up early and made some special sticky buns. I posted about them in the breakfast thread, but I also wanted to mention here that I started a new instagram page for my cooking! A friend and I keep talking about opening a restaurant some day so I started a page to generate interest and motivate myself to be more creative, so please, if any of you are on instagram I'd appreciate it if you followed me, the account is under the name "lookwhatmaddiemade"

"I upsized your fries because your lipstick's so pretty"  awwww!!!! I'm still blushing over that lol

Well, what ever works!  Your makeup looks great. 
Judi

Quote from: JudiBlueEyes on August 19, 2018, 08:40:47 PM
"I upsized your fries because your lipstick's so pretty"  awwww!!!! I'm still blushing over that lol

Well, what ever works!  Your makeup looks great. 
Judi

Thanks! This was actually my first time wearing that shade of red out in public, I guess I'll have to make that my main look!

Hi Maddie

It would seem you have been a very busy girl with one thing and another. Its a small world isn't it...I am sitting here this morning waiting to go have some fasting bloods taken myself. Its winter here but during the summer we get temps into the 40's so I do understand the concept of makeup sliding off your face!! I tend to not bother with foundation and use a BB cream...it tends to stay on my skin a b it better in the heart.

Glad you were able to spend some time with your friend. It can be difficult keeping up relationships during your transition and they take plenty of work on both parties if they are going to be successful.

Love the photo's @maddie you look so natural in them

Upgrade on the fries because you have cute lipstick....WINNER!!!! LOL


Thanks for sharing with us.
Take care

Liz

@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
I so enjoyed reading your update and also viewing your very terrific pictures... you look absolutely wonderful and beautiful in all of them... and your hair, your makeup and lipstick, and your dress, and how you appear so feminine is wonderful for all to see...
...including yourself, you should be exuding self-confidence and self-assurance as you are out and about as your new-self.

Thank you for sharing so freely with all of us, ...
Oh, and I really like your 3rd photo of you holding your coffee mug! :-* ;) :)

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Hi everyone. So last weekend was a little odd, Friday night I went out to do some errands and when I was in Walmart I started getting anxious, I was trying to move fast so I could get out of there but I couldn't find what I wanted and it made me feel worse so then I just decided to leave and get what I needed at the grocery store where I knew where everything was, even if it would cost me more. I was getting really irritated that day at work too and I can't even remember why at this point. Earlier in the week was bad for me though, at one point I was hiding in the bushes to try to calm myself down and get myself to stop shaking. another thing I was upset about is that I actually ran into someone I knew up at the school I'm working at. I thought that presenting as a male at work wouldn't be so bad since I was an hour away from where I live and also I'm 32 so I don't really know anyone that's college age. Nope. Can't escape it, I saw a guy I've known since I was like 15, and he's actually older than me and it was a pretty awkward run in. Saturday I stayed in and I feel pretty bad. I was supposed to be setting up a show for my friend's band that night but I cancelled it because of a few reasons, and then I didn't end up doing anything. Sunday wasn't too bad, I got to get out for a walk with a friend and then i went to see another friend for a few minutes and then I walked around my favorite cemetery for a bit and that was nice and peaceful.

So today was my 4 month checkup with the doctor. Last week when I was having a rough time I sent him a message about getting on some medication for depression and anxiety. This is something I've been thinking about for months now, the bad feelings come and go but they always come back and I want to stop them. I thought transitioning might solve my issues but they didn't, I think they're ingrained into me and partially hereditary. So we talked about things for a while and he decided to start me on a low dose of Zoloft. I'm going to go down to the pharmacy in a bit and get it and then take my first dose tomorrow. On a better note, I asked about my blood test results and he said they were perfect. my potassium and blood sugar were at good levels, my testosterone is still less than 20 (the lab I go to doesn't give results lower than that), and here's the big one... my estrogen levels DOUBLED since my last visit! I'm finally in the target range that he set for me over a year ago! at my last visit I was at like 62.5, today I was at 127! I thought I was going to be in the lower 80's, so this was a big surprise. I don't know how to feel about it though, I feel like mentally I'm totally there now, I'm 100% female, I've definitely been way more emotional since he increased my estrogen dose back in April, but I haven't noticed any physical changes since then. I feel like my body hair could still be thinner and my skin softer, so I dunno. We are leaving my HRT meds at the same dose and I asked if my estrogen levels would still go up over time and he said that they won't, so that's kind of a bummer. We'll see how I'm feeling at my next visit, I still wouldn't mind trying injections sometime, but that's not something I've discussed with him yet.

@Maddie
Dear Maddie:
Thank you for posting you latest update.

Regarding stressful day today at the college campus and when running your errands and at the stores.  Oh yeah, for sure, I understand the stress when you see someone that has known you since your teen years....  yes indeed it can get very awkward very fast.   It was nice that you could go to "your" special place to calm down.

Regarding your 4 month checkup with your doctor.  Except for you new med Zoloft which will help with your emotions... it was terrific to read that your blood tests came back perfect!!!   
Always keep in touch with your doctors regarding any issues that you have, new or old, they can many times fine tune the dosages that can make a big difference.

Again, Maddie, thank you for keeping us all updated....   your thread is always one of my first stops when  I log in to the Forums.

Hugs, and well wishes,
Danielle