Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This is long and I appologise in advance.
Well I should have done this earlier but didn't so now is as good a time as any ( thanks Christine)
Been a strange life for me but the major parts started in 2015 at my dads funeral.
The children of the person that molested me where at the funeral and I got hit by all the terrible thought and feeling all at once on top of dad passing. I was angry and desired to confront them about it until I found out he had died already. I broke out in crazy laughter and people at the viewing must of thought I lost my mind when I reality I just found it. This time in my life had never been brought up to anyone until counseling this year and I'm glad it out and open and done other than one unfortunate repercussion ( more on that later).
For the next year I started examining myself and my life, I started loosing weight and by the end of 2015 I had started wearing a bra because it just felt right.
2016 went by without to much difference, weight lose and a little more breast development. Wearing a bra with more regularity and more examining of my mind.
2017 is when thing started changing and I can't figure of why other than my yearly cancer follow up with my urologist got me thinking.
The thing is due to nerve damage I lived with severe incidents of priapism for the past 21 yrs which was destroying my life. My urologist suggested reducing my testosterone as a treatment and I said yes. This had been done in the late 1990's but I had bad reactions to it.
Well needless to say I really got pissed off when coverage was denied for the injection and at $1770. Every three months I couldn't afford it.
I went a different route while I fought for coverage with my insurance company. I started this in May of 2017. By October my T had dropped to 14.8 ( 426 ) so on a follow up call to my doctor he decided dutatriside May work in the mean time and my family doctor put me on aldactone after discovering my bra and breast growth. She was concerned about the growth and wanted to know what I wanted done with them ( removal) I told her I wanted them bigger.
Between October and the end of November weight dropped and breast grew till I went for my first fitting. 46C and happy for some strange reason. My wife had already seen my bra and breast by then and wondered about it all. I unfortunately did not talk to her then about my feeling which had turned to thoughts of transitioning.
Well in December my wife just innocently asked in a conversation if I liked my breasts, I told her I loved them and wanted them bigger. This started the conversation angrily that should have started a year ago.
Well more weight loss and more changes in mind set and by January I was down to a 42C and buying more bras and some female clothes for me. I started going out on my own in fem cloths and thinking about the differences I was felling. My wife and I talked and talked and talked, I started therapy and she did shortly after wards. Started on estrogen in January
It's been tough on us both but has taught us a lot about each other. We have talked more in 5 months than we did in the 13 yrs we have been married.
In February I basically stopped wearing male cloths but was trying to live in both worlds. My wife was angry but we were still talking which was good. End of February down more weight and down to a 40 band and C cups.
In March after lots of talking I shaved and my wife gave me make up, she suggested a wig and piercing my ears, both of which I did.
We talked and came to the conclusion that I needed to come out full time as I could not live the lie any more. My therapist calls me unique and I do feel special and blessed to be where I am without crashes. I've had not time for them. From the hugely disastrous emotional start to me life and to this end journey I will talk about that stuff later. It's been to emotional already.
Fast forward to May and I'm waiting for my name change paper work to be returned, I'm 1/2 in off being a 38 band and that will put me in a 38 DDD bra I'm wearing 16 tops and 18 pants and haven't been at this weight in over 20 years.
This is all I can do for now but I will be back with more.
Thanks for putting up with the lenght of this.

Quote from: Donna on May 21, 2018, 02:11:30 PM
This is long and I appologise in advance.
Well I should have done this earlier but didn't so now is as good a time as any ( thanks Christine)
Been a strange life for me but the major parts started in 2015 at my dads funeral.
The children of the person that molested me where at the funeral and I got hit by all the terrible thought and feeling all at once on top of dad passing. I was angry and desired to confront them about it until I found out he had died already. I broke out in crazy laughter and people at the viewing must of thought I lost my mind when I reality I just found it. This time in my life had never been brought up to anyone until counseling this year and I'm glad it out and open and done other than one unfortunate repercussion ( more on that later).
For the next year I started examining myself and my life, I started loosing weight and by the end of 2015 I had started wearing a bra because it just felt right.
2016 went by without to much difference, weight lose and a little more breast development. Wearing a bra with more regularity and more examining of my mind.
2017 is when thing started changing and I can't figure of why other than my yearly cancer follow up with my urologist got me thinking.
The thing is due to nerve damage I lived with severe incidents of priapism for the past 21 yrs which was destroying my life. My urologist suggested reducing my testosterone as a treatment and I said yes. This had been done in the late 1990's but I had bad reactions to it.
Well needless to say I really got pissed off when coverage was denied for the injection and at $1770. Every three months I couldn't afford it.
I went a different route while I fought for coverage with my insurance company. I started this in May of 2017. By October my T had dropped to 14.8 ( 426 ) so on a follow up call to my doctor he decided dutatriside May work in the mean time and my family doctor put me on aldactone after discovering my bra and breast growth. She was concerned about the growth and wanted to know what I wanted done with them ( removal) I told her I wanted them bigger.
Between October and the end of November weight dropped and breast grew till I went for my first fitting. 46C and happy for some strange reason. My wife had already seen my bra and breast by then and wondered about it all. I unfortunately did not talk to her then about my feeling which had turned to thoughts of transitioning.
Well in December my wife just innocently asked in a conversation if I liked my breasts, I told her I loved them and wanted them bigger. This started the conversation angrily that should have started a year ago.
Well more weight loss and more changes in mind set and by January I was down to a 42C and buying more bras and some female clothes for me. I started going out on my own in fem cloths and thinking about the differences I was felling. My wife and I talked and talked and talked, I started therapy and she did shortly after wards. Started on estrogen in January
It's been tough on us both but has taught us a lot about each other. We have talked more in 5 months than we did in the 13 yrs we have been married.
In February I basically stopped wearing male cloths but was trying to live in both worlds. My wife was angry but we were still talking which was good. End of February down more weight and down to a 40 band and C cups.
In March after lots of talking I shaved and my wife gave me make up, she suggested a wig and piercing my ears, both of which I did.
We talked and came to the conclusion that I needed to come out full time as I could not live the lie any more. My therapist calls me unique and I do feel special and blessed to be where I am without crashes. I've had not time for them. From the hugely disastrous emotional start to me life and to this end journey I will talk about that stuff later. It's been to emotional already.
Fast forward to May and I'm waiting for my name change paper work to be returned, I'm 1/2 in off being a 38 band and that will put me in a 38 DDD bra I'm wearing 16 tops and 18 pants and haven't been at this weight in over 20 years.
This is all I can do for now but I will be back with more.
Thanks for putting up with the lenght of this.

Hi Donna,                     21 May 2018

Great post; I really enjoyed reading it and looking forward to the "Rest of Your Story."

This sentence just made me laugh a happy laugh: "She was concerned about the growth and wanted to know what I wanted done with them ( removal) I told her I wanted them bigger." That statement is a Classic.

Looking forward to more.

Best Always, Love to you and your wife,
Christine

This new item doesn't need a whole bunch of explanation.
My name change has been approved and the government documents arrived today.
Donna Ashley has an even better ring to it now.

Quote from: Donna on May 22, 2018, 06:04:47 PM
This new item doesn't need a whole bunch of explanation.
My name change has been approved and the government documents arrived today.
Donna Ashley has an even better ring to it now.

Hello Donna Ashley,                  22 May 2018

Congratulations on having your name official. It does have a very nice ring to it.

Tell your wife I said Hello. Glad you both are together and love each other. God Bless the both of you and your family...including pets if you have them.

Like you, I'm going to have to limit my time on-line. I have a lot of work that needs to be done soon, so tomorrow this PC is going dark for a few days.

Best Always, Love,
Christine

Quote from: Donna on May 22, 2018, 06:04:47 PM
This new item doesn't need a whole bunch of explanation.
My name change has been approved and the government documents arrived today.
Donna Ashley has an even better ring to it now.

Yay!  Congratulations on legally becoming you!

Quote from: Donna on May 22, 2018, 06:04:47 PM
This new item doesn't need a whole bunch of explanation.
My name change has been approved and the government documents arrived today.
Donna Ashley has an even better ring to it now.

Congrats Donna! I have to agree that it does have a nice little ring. I cant wait to get there one day.

Hugs,
          Chelsea

Just love it and the first thing I did was change all my insurance documents. Ladies get a 25% discount on rates. Lol
It's been an absolutely great first legal day, still smiling.

We have corresponded on many subjects together but I appreciate reading your first post on Becoming Donna. An interesting way of discovering your true self; any way to discovery is fine of course - we all find our true selves in so many different ways! Everyone's story is unique but there are some common themes.

I am glad your relationship with your wife is so close and that HRT is progressing well.

Congratulations also on the approval of your Name Change.

Hugs

Pamela

An update
It's the good, the bad and the ugly and not always in that order if I can make it they this.
So starting at around age 11-12 The supposed adult next door found a new hobby. ME
He would appear everythime I was in the yard or the garage at home where he could get near me without anyone seeing. I was confused and in that stage of life that I really didn't know how to handle this and couldn't talk to anyone about it. This went on for several years of touching and coaching and pushing. I am the oldest and the assigned protector of my siblings. I have three brothers and a sister and I felt with a child's that if he was occupied with me he would leave them alone. I was right in a sense and he did stay away from them until I eventually figured out how to break off contact but as I found out he did go after two of my brothers. I opened up about this when I came out about transitioning and they told me about him as well.
Found out he was well know as the local creep and others were affected, really wish I had spoken up way back then to protect others. I stuffed my emotions and my emotional development was severely screwed up. I never even remembered puberty and was drinking at 16 which really sucked. Didn't help with school or friendships and I just crawled further inside myself.
Life sucked and I hated it until high school. I meet a great young lady that had just moved In from another province. We hit it off and became soul mates right away. She opened up about being raped but I never said a thing about me and I should have. We finished high school and were married at 18. Everyone condemned us and said we would fail. I buried her 29 years later of congestive heart failure, I sure miss her still.
Our life was far from perfect. We had a baby girl and a funeral a week later for her, we had a son a couple years later and a funeral a couple weeks later. We finally succeeded and my daughter was born a health bouncing baby boy.
We decided at that point we would have no more kids and moved on with life. My emotions were destroyed early and even more after these events. I stuffed everything and became an evil prick but never layed a hand on either of them ever.
Later some years we had an opportunity to adopt a child and we just fell deeply in love with him. Yup the birth mom changed her mind almost two years later and we found out the paper work had never been filed correctly so we
Had no leg to stand on. Drinking and more drinking and really depressed and then I found fetish's and I was off like a shot. I could do what I felt like and get off and feel good about myself. It ran the gamut from mundane and harmless to strange and bizarre and very sick and creepy.
Not proud of any of it but I believe it kept me alive barely. Broke my back in a truck wreck and ended up with permanent damage to the bowels and bladder as well as nerve damage from the hips down. Very weird learning how to walk again with no sensory feelings in my legs and feet. Eventually got enough back to get my licence back.
We muddled thru the rest of our years until she passed away at home. Yup I was a
Suspect until the autopsy was done on Boxing Day. She passed on December 23.
I spent the next two years raising a son one my own and hurting myself and a brief Bi phase.
I meet my current wife but never brought up any of my past. We clicked and fell in love and where married in 2003. I never opened up and still had some mild kink going on that she eventually learned of.
We have had our ups and downs and 5 years ago Leila, my daughter arrived but was afraid to tell us of her transition. When we did find out we accepted her 100%. My wife always wondered why I didn't have any reaction but loving and caring for her.
In 2015 my father passed and I ran into the children of my molester and it opened up a very old wound and brought it back to the surface and again I never said a word. I did laugh out load at the funeral when I found out he was dead.
Due to the nerve damage I suffered from severe priapism that was making me crazy almost to the point of removing the offending appendage myself. 21 years I suffered thru this and no one helped until March 2017.
My urologist suggested shutting down testosterone to stop the erections, unfortunately I couldn't afford the shot and it's not covered for off label use. I got desperate and depressed and started drinking again almost to a stupid level and losing weight.  I researched and found a herbal cocktail that did start working but a side affect was breast development. It didn't bother me and I talked to both my doctors about prescription med that would do the same job and I started on dutatriside and spiro as I had told my family doctor I really wanted bigger breast. Who new this would start a snowball rolling that wouldn't stop. That was October of 2017 and the rest is history. By December I came out to my wife who of course was really not happy with this. In January I started dressing more fem and February almost 100% female cloths. In March I just couldn't do the dual life and chose my side for the rest of my life.
My counselor opened up something during our second session and the unspoken was finally release to the first human ever. Then with everything else I dumped in her I told my wife. My goodness this opened up my emotions and my brain. I have never cried and talked and opened up like this ever before. My emotions are back and they are something so new and so foreign to me I'm still learning to handle them and I love it. My wife and I have talked more in the last 5 months than in the previous 14  years.
We are girlfriends, best friends, partners and companions for life and really starting to find our rhythm and friendship and we are staying together. We don't have all good days but they are getting up to 85% and for the 15% we work it out calmly between us.
My makeup is al over my face right now so I'll close out for now.
Love you all 💗💕donna💗💕

Donna,

Thank you for sharing your most personal feelings and history, some of your details are heart breaking and I feel very sorry for your losses, you have had a very tough time. I'm so happy for you that you have be able to come through those difficult times and have found love again and have been able to confide in your wife things you have held inside for so many years, it's good that you have her support and most days are now good days.

Hugs

Nicole

Donna, thank you for sharing this most personal part of your story with us.  I am glad I am not wearing makeup at the moment, or I'd be ruining it.

So much of what you talk about is familiar to me.  For decades, I never talked to a soul about being molested as a teenager.  And I realize now that I survived by turning my emotions down to zero.  I am gradually learning to turn that volume control up a little bit at a time.

I am glad to hear that your wife is by your side through this.  That is such a joy.

Thank you dear ladies. I will continue moving forward in the best manner and fashion I can and  be the best woman and person I can

Quote from: Donna on May 25, 2018, 10:49:17 PM

An update
It's the good, the bad and the ugly and not always in that order if I can make it they this.

Love you all 💗💕donna💗💕

Dear Donna,                 28 May 2018

Thank you so much for your courage and candor; I salute you and your wife.

I really don't know where to begin; I thought I had problems growing up, you lived in hell and emerged an angel.
I'm very sorry you had to experience life's rubbish; you have done a great service to our community with your honesty, candor and bravery. You deserve the "Medal of Honor" for your thread. I know that medal is for war hero's; well your life was a war and you fought it and won singlehandedly.

God Bless you, your loving wife and family.

Best Always, All My Love Always mis amiga,
Christien

Donna,

Some how I missed this thread.  I am pleased to make your acquaintance.  Thank you for opening up so completely and letting us in.  I am super pleased that after such a rough start in life you and wife are coming into your own good place.

Sad and happy tears mingled.
Pass the tissues, please,
Stevi

Thank you everyone, after I came out to my therapist about the abuse she suggested I wait for my feelings to settle a bit and we would talk more at the next appointment. We had already been 2.5 hours for a 1 hr session. I did wait to tell my wife right after supper that evening. It was very likely the hardest thing I ever had to talk about.
It has also been the biggest release and awakening I could have ever imagined. Being able to share has been a huge healing step for me and I can now talk and think about it without to much crying.
I appreciate how hard it is to read and reread. I have found that rereading my posts and my journal can set off emotions deep down but I find it suprising to see the change in tone and clarity that have happened as well.
I smile and laugh and feel good about myself everyday and have total confidence and commitment to my new life and have not had a single regret other than not doing this years ago.
I can get up and get dressed everyday, one leg at a time just like the rest of the world and just like he did in the past. Only nothing feels unfamiliar or weird or anything but this having had been this way my entire life.
I even find myself using word and terms that are totally female and knowing exactly what I'm saying and talking about. Like they have always been part of my vocabulary.
I am so pleased to be a small part of this wonderful family here and I'm becoming an outspoken supporter of all thing LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈, this has really surprised me as well I didn't think I had such strong feeling for all of us being accepted as fellow human beings.

My first exposure to Donna was in female cloths and light make up on  the day I bought my wig. I was all smiles from head to toe coming home and into the house wearing my new purchase. I had walked thru the mall after the purchase and felt free.
I walked into the house to show my wife and sat at the dining table, my wife across from me and our china cabinet with mirror backing. I looked in the mirror and started to cry. My wife was immediately concerned and as soon as I could settle down and talk I told her what had just happened
As I sat there showing her my wig and looking in the mirror l was caught completely off guard as I had no clue who just looked back at me. It wasn't Doug, didn't look like him, sit like him or act like him. I was so confused and almost afraid at the person looking back. It was Donna and it was the first week of March 2018. I just had to keep looking and trying to take in the person looking back. She was beautiful and so pleasant looking. She was happy beyond belief and could barely talk. I couldn't take the wig off in case he was there but I had to keep looking.
All my wife could say is I was very cute and wonder what was happening and what I was seeing.
I couldn't explain it and after talking and talking and discussing I asked about going full time as I knew he was gone to the closet. The next morning I got up and wig and female cloths and some
Light make up and I was out the door to go to work ( they were told in February of the changes coming)
I walked out that door and have never been happier, I have not had a minutes thought about this being wrong. It is so right and always will be. Today I look in that mirror and I fully recognize the person looking back, it is Donna and she is happy and wonderful to see and he doesn't even show up when my hair is off. My wife now doesn't like seeing me with out my hair as she still gets glimpses of him and it's confusing to her, she would much rather see Donna now. Tonight after my shower I came out in a skir, thin bsleevless
Blouse and headlight in full ( no bra) and no hair. She sent me right back to the room to put my hair on), I think I could have been dressed as a bum and she wouldn't have noticed, only the hair
My hair is on as soon as I'm out of bed and comes off when I get into bed. I have five different wigs now so I'm never with out

Well i dont know what it is or why but i have felt terrible today. I don know if i can call it anxiety or maybe its depression or im just really tired or what ever.
I have not felt like this  ever before. If its depression i dont like it and want it to go away. I think it may have started Saturday with a harmless comment from my brother in law. He delivered a message from his daughter of her total and complete support and love.
This should have mage my very happy but instead it sent me to the fact that i have two nieces and two nephews on my wifes side that support me an this brings me to the trigger i believe. Her boys will make no effort to meet me, talk to me or accept that my wife an di are doing the best we can under the circumstances.
They are being total pricks in my mind as they keep telling my wife they hate what im doing to her. They don't realize that they are tearing her apart, she loves me and she loves them but she is being stuck in the middle of a catch 22 situation. I cant force her to draw a line and she has tried to explain it to them. Hell they wont ever bring the grand kids around. They expect her to meet them at a local park and visit there like its some sort of arranged settlement. This is hugely stupid on their part as my wife is in a wheel chair and it is super hard on her getting in and out of our truck. It take her away from her comforts at home and it requires me to do all the work of getting her there and back. I do that part willingly with out argument but it is so selfish of them and plain ignorant. I dont want to start drinking again but i came close today and i dont need to feel worse than i do for the pain im putting my wife thru.
This is feeling worse than when i was thinking of ending it all because then i knew the reason for the way i felt. I actually feel like surrendering and saying f-- it all but its getting harder to be happy. I was so angry and flustered today and i hate that, it feels like the life is being sucked out of me
I cant write any more right now

Quote from: Donna on June 03, 2018, 10:32:45 PM
Well i dont know what it is or why but i have felt terrible today. I don know if i can call it anxiety or maybe its depression or im just really tired or what ever.
I have not felt like this  ever before. If its depression i dont like it and want it to go away. I think it may have started Saturday with a harmless comment from my brother in law. He delivered a message from his daughter of her total and complete support and love.
This should have mage my very happy but instead it sent me to the fact that i have two nieces and two nephews on my wifes side that support me an this brings me to the trigger i believe. Her boys will make no effort to meet me, talk to me or accept that my wife an di are doing the best we can under the circumstances.
They are being total pricks in my mind as they keep telling my wife they hate what im doing to her. They don't realize that they are tearing her apart, she loves me and she loves them but she is being stuck in the middle of a catch 22 situation. I cant force her to draw a line and she has tried to explain it to them. Hell they wont ever bring the grand kids around. They expect her to meet them at a local park and visit there like its some sort of arranged settlement. This is hugely stupid on their part as my wife is in a wheel chair and it is super hard on her getting in and out of our truck. It take her away from her comforts at home and it requires me to do all the work of getting her there and back. I do that part willingly with out argument but it is so selfish of them and plain ignorant. I dont want to start drinking again but i came close today and i dont need to feel worse than i do for the pain im putting my wife thru.
This is feeling worse than when i was thinking of ending it all because then i knew the reason for the way i felt. I actually feel like surrendering and saying f-- it all but its getting harder to be happy. I was so angry and flustered today and i hate that, it feels like the life is being sucked out of me
I cant write any more right now

Hi Donna,                  04 June 2018

I don't think I have enough experience to give advice, but I can share my opinion. My thinking is the same as yours, it's the nephews. It is not your or your wife's fault; it's those two pecker heads. You are not the source of your wife's pain, it's the aforementioned pecker headed nephews.

I know you and your wife are loved by everyone here. We'd do anything we could to solve this problem. Even though we are scattered all over "Tim Buk and 2," I'm sure some of the smart and experienced members will jump in here and lend a helping hand.

Please take care of yourselves, Don't let the nephews mess with your lives.

Best Always, All My Love,
Christine

This is relatively easy to deal with however it's going to require some serious parenting. Your primary responsibilities are to the care of your wife. This means you love and care for your wife first and you do what you can to keep her comfortable. Explain to your wife that this little revolt can be ended quickly if your wife agrees only to see her children in your home and she is not willing to travel the countryside in order to visit with them because it's to physically demanding for her to do so. They are welcome in your house and it's their choice and not your as to if they ever want to see their mother again.

It will come down to a matter of their character. If they are grownup enough to put their mother over their gut feeling, they will visit you in your home. If not, they have a little growing up to do and possibly after they think about it a while they will come around. It's important to remember that it's their problem and not yours. Continuing to allow them to have their way will never fix the problem and if your wife has additional health complications, these trips out of the house could become life threatening. It's better to deal with it now than latter because the longer they get away with this, the less likely they are to change.

Quote from: Donna on June 03, 2018, 10:32:45 PMHer boys will make no effort to meet me, talk to me or accept that my wife an di are doing the best we can under the circumstances.
They are being total pricks in my mind as they keep telling my wife they hate what im doing to her. They don't realize that they are tearing her apart, she loves me and she loves them but she is being stuck in the middle of a catch 22 situation.

Donna, I am so sorry that you have to put up with those <not allowed>s.  I am sorry too that you wife has to deal with it, because it must be even harder for her.  The nephews are putting her in a position of having to divide her loyalties.  That is a particularly nasty thing for them to do to family. 

I agree with Dena that your wife needs to be tough with the nephews.  She will likely need your support to do it, because it will be hard for her.

Here's a big hug for both of you: (((((HUG)))))

Donna,

Maybe I will come off as harsh.  I have a daughter who chose to exclude me from her life and, as much as I would have it otherwise, it was her choice, so I think I have some cred here.  It is difficult in the extreme to loose a relationship with those we cherish but sometimes we have no say in the matter.

Your obligation is to care for and protect your wife.  Your wife's obligation is, as is true of us all, to care for herself.  Her children are in my opinion are being abusive, not loving.  They need to be called on it in no uncertain terms.  There is the chance they may choose to be selfish and insist on being abusive brats but the current situation is not sustainable.  As you wife's circumstances are not likely to improve much how can this continue.  It needs to be addressed.  Your wife needs their help with achieving as high a quality of lie as is possible.  They need to understand, or at the very least be told, how their behavior and demands are so not helpful.

.02 and keep the change,
Stevi

Thanks peeps. I appreciate all the comments.
My wife did notice how off I was last night and we discussed what was going on with my mind.
She has basically said what has been said here, she will handle her boys and even though it's making me crazy she seems to be dealing bettter with them than I am.
I did write a long email to both of them explaining the whole thing from my point of view and how they are affecting her. I forwarded it to her and she can send it if needed. She has informed me she has been having it out with the youngest son (43) because he is being the biggest jerk.
It just hurts so much with all the things I've done for them and I just didn't expect it at all.
They are selfish beyond belief and so far from the way they were before.
My dear wife helped me straighten out my head last night and talked me down from yet another ledge. She is my rock for sure and made a very good point , I am way to emotionally scrambled right now and she reassured me she is dealing with it better than I can know.
This whole emotions thing is so new and fresh and raw with me than I'm a mess beyond reason. I've only been learning emotions for less than a year now as they were so deeply suppressed.

Quote from: Donna on June 04, 2018, 11:27:00 PM
Thanks peeps. I appreciate all the comments.
My wife did notice how off I was last night and we discussed what was going on with my mind.
She has basically said what has been said here, she will handle her boys and even though it's making me crazy she seems to be dealing bettter with them than I am.
I did write a long email to both of them explaining the whole thing from my point of view and how they are affecting her. I forwarded it to her and she can send it if needed. She has informed me she has been having it out with the youngest son (43) because he is being the biggest jerk.
It just hurts so much with all the things I've done for them and I just didn't expect it at all.
They are selfish beyond belief and so far from the way they were before.
My dear wife helped me straighten out my head last night and talked me down from yet another ledge. She is my rock for sure and made a very good point , I am way to emotionally scrambled right now and she reassured me she is dealing with it better than I can know.
This whole emotions thing is so new and fresh and raw with me than I'm a mess beyond reason. I've only been learning emotions for less than a year now as they were so deeply suppressed.

Dear Donna,                     06 June 2018

Hope you are feeling better now and in the future. You're lucky to have a great wife that loves you and helps you.

I on the other hand don't have a wife and God forbid a Husband; the thought of being stuck with someone like I was is repulsive as it gets. I do have my Dogs, who do provide me with advice on how to act. When I get upset, they leave and don't come back until I settle down. They make me see how foolish I must look to them and anyone else that happens to be in proximity of my wrath. They should open a school on anger management.

Take care mis amiga, give me a yell if I can do anything for you folks.

Best Always, All my Love,
Christine

 Had to go to the hospital and get the scope done on the bladder again. To many infections and it been an issue for close to 30 yrs. I had a couple concerns about the paperwork and name issue. Last week I redid all my ID with my new name and due to a policy change we can now request F, M or X with nothing more than asking for it. My health care name change hasn't come thru yet so I knew all the paper work would have the other name on it.
I was surprised to arrive and see that every page of my paperwork had a sticky on it that said " goes by Donna". This was amazing that someone took the time to do that. Unfortunately they had to put the other name on the wrist band and I was stuck wearing it. Typically they will read your name off before taking you to the procedure area to properly ID you. Five peeps ahead of me all had theirs read out loud right in the waiting area and I was getting a little uncomfortable over it. Well damn now it's my turn and the nurse calls Donna up to the counter and just walks off with me in tow. We got to the room and she just said I didn't need to read the band out there. Wow I was impressed with the kindness and consideration all thru this process. Well everything inside is good and no need for any cutting of the bladder neck this time.
The urologist is also my cancer surgeon and the one that will do my orchi. It is confirmed for August but on a short call basis in case he gets a cancer patient the may need the room more than I. I'm ok with that as I know peeps got bumped when it was my turn.
Greatest news of the day and then I went home. My wife wanted to talk and she just very bluntly said with out warning she can't go on this journey with me. She doesn't want it for her or for me but knows I need it to survive. She knows I need to get more involved in the community and with volunteering with the young trans community. She knows she can't talk with me about most thing because she doesn't feel it or want it. This is saddening but has at the same time opened a new path for the two of us. We will be staying together and I will have my space to explore what is new around me. She will not block these needs and changes by holding me back, in exchange I will give her equal time as a couple of girlfriends, roommate or companions. We do deeply love each other and have too much history to walk away from each other so we will make the best of the whole situation. Then she goes and does something even further out there, she bought me a years worth of unlimited laser treatments that I start Thursday and they are going to remove three moles on my face I hate as well.  Like wow that caught me off guard even more until she ask why I am hiding my feelings about bottom surgery. She told me that she knows I won't be happy without it and she will still accept me after the boy bits are replaced. I'm speechless but did tell her it could be 5 years before that happens due to a 30 month wait to see that doc for a first appointment. Next crazy thing out of her is pay to have it done where there is no wait. Wtf just happened is all I could think. She said she would rather have a happy me as a girlfriend than a miserable bastard as a husband. I just can't stop crying now, I'm so overwhelmed with crazy amounts of emotions. I'm a kid in a candy store right now. Hell I lost a $9000.00 job yesterday and I don't even care, it's not important at all. I can always replace a contract with a bigger better one, I could never replace my girlfriend/ wife/ best friend ever.

Dear Donna:  Thanks for updating your followers on your thread.
UGhhhh..... scopes !!!!  up the nose, down the throat, in the ying yang, and colonoscopies...  torture to contemplate and not very comfortable to endure..... please for me, knock me out first then do the scope.
I love how the medical office had sticky notes on all the papers with "goes by Donna" on them.... and the sensitivity of the nurse that called your correct name for all to hear.

Wow, reading about what is going on between you and your wife... bittersweet story for sure, but there are a lot of sweet thoughts and actions coming from her as well.... be very thankful for that part anyway

Thank you for your update... please keep them coming.
Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Donna on May 21, 2018, 02:11:30 PM
This is long and I appologise in advance.
Well I should have done this earlier but didn't so now is as good a time as any ( thanks Christine)
Been a strange life for me but the major parts started in 2015 at my dads funeral.
The children of the person that molested me where at the funeral and I got hit by all the terrible thought and feeling all at once on top of dad passing. I was angry and desired to confront them about it until I found out he had died already. I broke out in crazy laughter and people at the viewing must of thought I lost my mind when I reality I just found it. This time in my life had never been brought up to anyone until counseling this year and I'm glad it out and open and done other than one unfortunate repercussion ( more on that later).
For the next year I started examining myself and my life, I started loosing weight and by the end of 2015 I had started wearing a bra because it just felt right.
2016 went by without to much difference, weight lose and a little more breast development. Wearing a bra with more regularity and more examining of my mind.
2017 is when thing started changing and I can't figure of why other than my yearly cancer follow up with my urologist got me thinking.
The thing is due to nerve damage I lived with severe incidents of priapism for the past 21 yrs which was destroying my life. My urologist suggested reducing my testosterone as a treatment and I said yes. This had been done in the late 1990's but I had bad reactions to it.
Well needless to say I really got pissed off when coverage was denied for the injection and at $1770. Every three months I couldn't afford it.
I went a different route while I fought for coverage with my insurance company. I started this in May of 2017. By October my T had dropped to 14.8 ( 426 ) so on a follow up call to my doctor he decided dutatriside May work in the mean time and my family doctor put me on aldactone after discovering my bra and breast growth. She was concerned about the growth and wanted to know what I wanted done with them ( removal) I told her I wanted them bigger.
Between October and the end of November weight dropped and breast grew till I went for my first fitting. 46C and happy for some strange reason. My wife had already seen my bra and breast by then and wondered about it all. I unfortunately did not talk to her then about my feeling which had turned to thoughts of transitioning.
Well in December my wife just innocently asked in a conversation if I liked my breasts, I told her I loved them and wanted them bigger. This started the conversation angrily that should have started a year ago.
Well more weight loss and more changes in mind set and by January I was down to a 42C and buying more bras and some female clothes for me. I started going out on my own in fem cloths and thinking about the differences I was felling. My wife and I talked and talked and talked, I started therapy and she did shortly after wards. Started on estrogen in January
It's been tough on us both but has taught us a lot about each other. We have talked more in 5 months than we did in the 13 yrs we have been married.
In February I basically stopped wearing male cloths but was trying to live in both worlds. My wife was angry but we were still talking which was good. End of February down more weight and down to a 40 band and C cups.
In March after lots of talking I shaved and my wife gave me make up, she suggested a wig and piercing my ears, both of which I did.
We talked and came to the conclusion that I needed to come out full time as I could not live the lie any more. My therapist calls me unique and I do feel special and blessed to be where I am without crashes. I've had not time for them. From the hugely disastrous emotional start to me life and to this end journey I will talk about that stuff later. It's been to emotional already.
Fast forward to May and I'm waiting for my name change paper work to be returned, I'm 1/2 in off being a 38 band and that will put me in a 38 DDD bra I'm wearing 16 tops and 18 pants and haven't been at this weight in over 20 years.
This is all I can do for now but I will be back with more.
Thanks for putting up with the lenght of this.

Hey,

Thanks for sharing your story and all the help in the past

anastasia x

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on June 15, 2018, 03:43:30 PM
Dear Donna:  Thanks for updating your followers on your thread.
UGhhhh..... scopes !!!!  up the nose, down the throat, in the ying yang, and colonoscopies...  torture to contemplate and not very comfortable to endure..... please for me, knock me out first then do the scope.
I love how the medical office had sticky notes on all the papers with "goes by Donna" on them.... and the sensitivity of the nurse that called your correct name for all to hear.

Wow, reading about what is going on between you and your wife... bittersweet story for sure, but there are a lot of sweet thoughts and actions coming from her as well.... be very thankful for that part anyway

Thank you for your update... please keep them coming.
Hugs,
Danielle

Thank You Danielle and I do so much appreciate her. The dynamics of me are changing every day so I can't expect hers to be any different.

Donna,

Good news on on the scope front, although it can't be a pleasant procedure, lovely that they used your name.

Your wife is a special person and you can see she loves you, I'm glad for you that you have found a comfortable place with each other, I can definitely relate to the sentiment of having a happy wife over a grumpy husband.

Hugs

Nicole

Quote from: Donna on June 15, 2018, 03:21:46 PM
Had to go to the hospital and get the scope done on the bladder again. To many infections and it been an issue for close to 30 yrs.
.
.
She told me that she knows I won't be happy without it and she will still accept me after the boy bits are replaced. I'm speechless but did tell her it could be 5 years before that happens due to a 30 month wait to see that doc for a first appointment. Next crazy thing out of her is pay to have it done where there is no wait. Wtf just happened is all I could think. She said she would rather have a happy me as a girlfriend than a miserable bastard as a husband. I just can't stop crying now, I'm so overwhelmed with crazy amounts of emotions. I'm a kid in a candy store right now. Hell I lost a $9000.00 job yesterday and I don't even care, it's not important at all. I can always replace a contract with a bigger better one, I could never replace my girlfriend/ wife/ best friend ever.

Dear Donna,                     16 June 2018

I hope you keep a copy of all your writing; I think when you have accomplished your goal you should compile it into book form then find a publisher to turn it into a marketable book. You and your wife's story is a remarkable journey on a road not well traveled. Considering the size of our community in relation to the general population, I think it would sell well and give the average person a greater understanding of the trials and tribulations experienced by many in our community and a better understanding of just what it means to be a transgendered person.

If you should seriously start considering going elsewhere for treatment, let me know. I have a great network of doctors and therapists that could help you attain your goals in a very short time. In the 5 weeks and one day it took me, I could have gone the full route with SRS and FFS had I desired to do so. I stopped with HRT and an Orchiectomy. One piece of advice I can give to anyone contemplating an orchie, is to have a Radical, Bilateral, Inguinal, orchiectomy. Much less trauma to the pubic region, less pain and much quicker healing. The scrotum is not cut so you don't have that to worry about. The two incisions are about 2 inches long one on each side of the inguinal canals. I had no real pain and just minor discomfort. I think I took a total of six Tylenol during the first three days. Didn't even fill the prescription for major pain meds. I had very little swelling, which was gone in a day, very little bruising which was gone in short order. My scrotum has shrunk to about the size of a 25 cent piece. I'm hoping it just continues to shrink until it disappears. I have my third post op checkup in November; if there is anything still dangling around I am going to see how much he will charge to remove the excess tissue. I want it smooth under there so Willy isn't reminded of them. I know he doesn't miss them; it was good riddance.

I plan to keep Willy as a relatively more pronounced clitoris. I don't need a vagina as I cannot think of ever having a desire to have a male climbing all over me looking for a place to stick his Willy. That just won't happen. If anyone should try to force themselves upon me, I carry a small tool that injects a compound that will put that idea to permanent rest.

I admire you and your wife. You both are lucky to have each other. I wish you both all the success in the world; you both deserve it.

If you want to discuss coming here for treatment, call me.

I hope you folks get down this way in the not too distant future.

Best Always, All My Love,
Christine

Thank you Donna for this thread and your latest update. You original post painted an interesting and remarkable story. Your latest shows things are progressing really well.

I am so pleased that the nurse unexpectedly called you "Donna" and happy your wonderful wife has bought you unlimited laser and absolutely delighted she is seriously considering your GCS without the 30 month wait.

Your wife truly loves you. You are so lucky. All in all an excellent and uplifting latest instalment.

I hope you achieve all your goals.

Hugs

Pamela 

Thanks for the comment. As for the orchi I have to discuss which way the surgeon wants to do it and I will go with his recommendation. If it's scrotal I will have him reduce the excess. Inquinal May present a problem due to scar tissue from previous hernia operations on both side. That I don't know about but I see him again on July 23 for my second eligard injection and to finalize the surgery details. He is confident that I shouldn't be bumped as he is not currently dealing with any new cancer patients. I respect the fact that he will only bump me for someone else if they need priority. When I was diagnosed and we decided surgery was the best choice I was in the hospital within the month and I know I will have bumped someone else for my care.
As for my posts any of the longer one that are hard to write  I transfer to my journal as well so I can go back and read them later. I can't read some of my very original ones from the beginning of the year with out crying.

Quote from: Donna on June 16, 2018, 09:05:31 AM
Thanks for the comment. As for the orchi I have to discuss which way the surgeon wants to do it and I will go with his recommendation. If it's scrotal I will have him reduce the excess. Inquinal May present a problem due to scar tissue from previous hernia operations on both side. That I don't know about but I see him again on July 23 for my second eligard injection and to finalize the surgery details. He is confident that I shouldn't be bumped as he is not currently dealing with any new cancer patients. I respect the fact that he will only bump me for someone else if they need priority. When I was diagnosed and we decided surgery was the best choice I was in the hospital within the month and I know I will have bumped someone else for my care.
As for my posts any of the longer one that are hard to write  I transfer to my journal as well so I can go back and read them later. I can't read some of my very original ones from the beginning of the year with out crying.

Hi Donna and Good Morning,                18 Jan 2018

Three more days and it will be the first day of summer and the longest day of the year (daylight wise). I dread the shorter days though they won't be too noticeable for a couple of months.

As I said in a previous post "you have been to hell and back." I admire you and your wife for fighting that long battle. You both are War Heroes. It is an honor to know you and to read and follow your story. It has taken tremendous bravery for you to write your story in such detail; unfortunately few are willing to be so brave.

Just for additional info I had two prior hernia surgeries. My right side inguinal hernia was repaired in 2007 using a Kevlar patch in the inguinal hernia repair. The umbilical hernia repair did not require it. The patch did not present a problem for the orchie surgery as the two incisions were further down the canal about two inches below the hernia scar. They used Kevlar because I was a cop and it made my groin "Bullet Proof," which is pure BS, just something I tell as a joke.

Best of luck with your shot and surgery consultation. As I mentioned I am going to see how much more my old 25 cent pouch shrinks by November; if still pronounced I think if the "Price Is Right" I'll have it removed. Maybe I should apply for the show and have it removed on TV. I'd be a TV star in my own mind.

I really like the look of no balls and/or no scrotum. It's too bad we cannot donate those two items to our FTM brothers. Maybe someday.

Best Always, All My Love,
Christine

I've been quiet lately as I got into a bit of a crisis mode. Due to work I missed my counseling two weeks ago and wow did I feel it. I've burnt my wife out listening to me and got blasted by a couple family members  over a Facebook post I made. I was trying to be inclusive but I have blocked them now.
2.5 yrs to see the gender doc and then 4 year waiting list for surgery and I was at my wits ends. My current HRT doc closed up shop with no notice and disappeared
Then I meet her, just the sweetest and totally friendly transwoman on a local group. She informed me that a new transgender doctor had just opened up practice and she is trained by one of the best here in the city. I figure what the heck I call and get an appointment and hope the wait is not too long. Called Monday afternoon at 16:00 and was schedule in to see her. OMG 10:00 the next morning, seems she keeps one assessment appointment open every single day and I got in. What and absolutely charming young woman she is. She is setting the appointments to get the two referral to get me on the surgery wait list which I can tolerate. So hopefully wishing 6 months I'll be on that list. Yes surgery will be in my future and even my wife has agreed I need it.
She is going to redo my E therapy and take over as my GP.
On another front I went off on a couple very rough comments in another site that stated they can tolerate people in transition. What a BS statement for someone in the community when they should know only acceptance is the proper term and then to say as transgender we shouldn't FORCE our views on other. Especially children. My god that is so wrong in every way.
What are they thinking, that is so counter to everything I believe is true. As a woman and as an abuse survivor. I truest hope there are not too many with that kind of mindset lurking in the background in the Transgender community.
I am back in good spirits and happy and free feeling again and so relieve to have a proper doctor

Dear Donna:  Thank you for sharing you latest update.   That is sure good news about your new Doctor and getting scheduled much earlier than previously thought.   ....   and you wife is encouraging you too !!!! 

OH, and good for you, using the blocking feature on FB.....  take control !!!!!!

And the "tolerate" comment from that other site is, like you said, "a BS statement" for sure.

Again, thanks for your update, please keep them coming and continue sharing both your good news and not-so-good news as you feel comfortable  doing....  everyone here following and regularly reading your thread is in your corner and we are rooting for you.

Hugs,
Danielle

Different experience today. Started laser and did my face, chest and stomach today. Got a free facial with it which was my first and it felt amazing.
I got 5 moles removed today. Four on my face and one in the right breast. Little scabby now but will be worth it. It will be strange as I've had them all my life.
Changed my health care card today and received a letter The was all to MS Donna except the outer address and it was Mr Donna. Lol dummies

I've notice some changes in thinking of late, oh good more HRT please. I'm so fine being asexual and still very much in love with my wife, don't get me wrong I'm not looking outside the home for anyone but I have noticed lately that i am picking up on ? Signals or cues that someone may be interested in me( as a female). I've notice different odours coming off some men that are very drawing and this is so strange to me. I noticed someone that actually reminded me of how I used to smell body wise. (Not BO smell. Lol)
Yesterday while i was out on a service call another tech from another company was there as well for their part of the call out. Mike is a very pleasant guy and didn't seem the least bit restrained around me. You have to picture me right now though. I just had four moles removed by electrocautery on my face so I sort of look really bad right now. Forehead, nose, lower lip and my chin. All are still very scabby and ozzing so overall not hugely an attractive feature right now.
I also didn't do any make up as I got rushed out of the house for the call. Lipstick and a bit of body spray was it.
Anyways I got my end of the job done and part overlapped his end being i cleanup up and found the source of the flood and he was there to fix the source. So we sort of meet over a broken sewer pipe. How romantic.
Mike came  across so sweet and we chatted about how customers will call in a call as so disastrous yet we arrive and it's a tiny issue. The pipe leaked on a concrete floor in a parking structure right beside a drain, it was not a river of water flowing thru the building as reported. Lol
He didn't seem to mind the face and I don't try to hide my voice, it's still my old selfs voice. He chatted with me like we were long time friends, didn't even ask any sort of gender type questions like I've heard from others and he seemed truly at ease around me. Held doors open and everything.
He seemed so kind and gentle when he placed his hand lightly on my shoulder as we said goodbye and said he would like to talk again and we exchanged business cards. Of course my business cards have Donna written on them and the other name crossed off until the new ones arrive and it didn't even bother him at all.
This is just so strange and new for me and I'm not going to take it any further but it was sure nice to see such a different side of a person. I know we will cross paths again as they are one of the contractors I have to deal with in these new building, I'm the maintenance manager for this property now.

I can't say that I've noticed any pheromones from myself or anyone else.  I never used to stink, and if I stink even less now, that's good.  Of course, I don't tend to hang around men much these days: I'm retired, so no workplace associations, and I am making a point of trying to socialize with other women.  So who knows what would happen if I spent more time with men?

I wonder how much of what you notice in Mike is that being a polite, sensitive human being is rare enough to be very sexy.

Nice to be working alongside someone that you like.

Thanks Kathy. I've noticed I have no real body odour anymore and my wife has said the same thing. I can go without deodorant for 5 days or more if need be where as before it was sometimes twice a day in the summer. When I first stared E I noticed a very sweet smell coming from my skin and I think it's still there now, I have gotten used to it.

Well the continuing story of Donna, wow mind changes and surprises and being overwhelmed and depressed and that was just last night.
Well been up to discovering that beautiful is costly and for me a part that is now underway. I'm not going to say stupid stuff again like it's not in my plans but it's not in my plans until it is. I've started laser for the hair and it will be gone face to toes. It's my vision and direction. Going to electrocute allthem nasty white whiskers, getting offered microblading to beautify the brows as they are rather non exist and towards the outer end. Big desision though as it comes with strings attached. I have to be a face model for the salon doing the work, sort of a scary though but also an affirmation to me that they want me to represent them as well. I've remove some life
Long moles on my face and I can see a much prettier lady underneath the scabs. It really shows better now that I can hide those with concealer and foundation. It so different and that for now is the extent of facial work. Well except for ————-
So in case any have missed it my wife's youngest son has not spoken to me since December and her oldest will say hello but that's about it. The six grandkids don't know who Donna is and haven't seen their grandma Marilyn since last fall. This may all be changing as of Tuesday as all 8 of them are coming to the house to see grandma Marilyn and no request was made for Donna  not to be there. My wife and I suspect one granddaughter may have figured it out already and it's time to open up.
I really hope they don't back out or decide to show up when I have to go to counselling in the afternoon. As soon as I find out when they are coming then I will  switch counselling to another day as this is so important to bring the family back together. The sons have really stuck my wife in the middle. I love them but I have been vocal about their lack of understanding or even trying to and it hurts her to have me feel the way I do.
They were already grow men when we married but I still accepted them as our boys.
I've gotten myself a new doctor finally with out the huge long wait and that has taken such a load off my mind. She is a wonderful young lady and so supportive of everyone. She has the control now of all things transition wise and I know she will get me to my goal once I figure it out. I can now bypass one wait and get to the medical wait list sooner, then I'll have 4 years to figure out the surgical end of things. And again with the thinking that even though the girls are growing like weeds on super changed fertilizer I'm now tossing around augmentation as another future idea for down the road. Right now triple D seems almost too small for my frame but I'll see how they look with more weight loss. Chest has dropped from 46 inches to 38 since May of 2017 and there is about 100 pounds (doctor supervised) of me gone so far. I may be happy with another 20 gone but it could also be a fleeting thought as well by the time I get there. It's been 20 plus years since I've been under 200 pounds and it looks and feels so good. I have a picture of me from 1973 at 135 pounds that is my reminder to be healthier. I won't go to that weight as it was before a growth spurt in height. Yes I had no puberty and I was almost 20 when I started to grow again. 5.3 to 5.9 in less than a year. Ouch that felt like crap and made cloths an interesting issue.
I still can't help but start to feel depressed sometime when I see how I wasted so much of my life due to my early abuse but I have become very vocal about protecting everyone from abuse. I've also become outspoken about LBGTQ+2 issues. I've signed up to volunteer wit a youth peer support group in the city and have already connected one transmale with my new doctor which has helped him greatly. His mother works for me and is so happy with his change in mood since then. I have 2 transwomen working for me now that business is taking off. Yes that's what I said, since coming out my business has started to grow. More to follow

WOW!  Donna, you've gone through some fantastic changes already.  Congratulations on the weight loss!  That's a tough one, but so worthwhile in the longer run for our transition and our lives.

I do hope all goes well with the visit from the son and grandchildren.  Family can sometimes be the roughest part of the 'coming out' process.  I hope things go smoothly and we just have good news!

Wow, it is so nice to read your update, Donna.  I hope your visit with the stepkids goes well.  The weight loss, mapping out your plans for the future, and your activism all sound so positive.  Way to go!

Hope it goes well with family..... You have made so much progress, be grateful for that

So last night I started thinking, and yes that's a bad thing for me.
The world has a funny way of telling you things and I for one didn't see it even thought it's sort of plain out there.
Last night laying down in bed thoughts turned to my dad. He past in May of 2015
It was at his funeral that I laughed when I found out my molester was dead and at the same time didn't cause his children pain be confronting them as planned at the funeral.
My emotions started breaking thru after that and have come rushing back.
I did know that a lot of my desicions of late have revolved around May since then.
May of 2016 I started buying bras and wearing them for comfort and I had hated dressing up in bras previously and I noticed there was no arousal factor with it like a fetish.
This was all without my wife's knowledge and the wearing was sort of part time. 4/5 days a week but a sport bra to sleep in under my pj's.
In May of 2017 after some thought and research based on my urologist wanting to lower my T but not qualifying for coverage for the meds I started messing with herbals and built the whole cocktail of anti androgens and phytoestrogens and started on the heavy. Things started working well and then my medical came along and the doctor was exposed to the bra and breast changes and it was decided to put me in spiro and dutatriside and do it right. The rest is written about here and that brings me up to May of 2018. The government lowered and or dropped a lot of requirements for gender marker change. I changed my name legally and then my marker and now working in a the rest of the changes. Sure don't realize how many there are. Last night laying in bed thinking about dad and I see the viewing and then the burial and heard my dad in my head and then realized that May just happened again. With all the times I could have processed paperwork I sent it when I did. I didn't know the laws where changing and didn't know what the time delay would be to get the name change back, it had been 3 months at one point.
I dropped off my paperwork to the government office on May 11, they processed the request and approved it on May 16, the three year anniversary of dad's death and I had it in my hand on May 22. The third anniversary of the service and burial and the day I finally released  my pain and emotions. I'm not overly spiritual but this had to be my dad's acceptance of Donna.
And now the tears are flowing

Thank you for your open sharing, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we see it sometimes we never do. but from every experience, we learn.

From a comment about trans just being a belief and forcing that belief on other including children and wondering if transgenders should be tolerated.
My responce
The word tolerate should be consider as quiet hatred.
Why should there be tolerance when the only word should be acceptance.
Children should be taught acceptance and inclusion, these children will be the new future to fight hatred and bigotry.
Sorry but I have to really say something now.
No real transgender person would ever try to force ourselves on others. We present ourselves and hope beyond hope to be accepted for our true selve.
This is not a belief.
This is a major and in a lot of cases painfull desicion for one to make.
This is not a belief.
This is a life change to correct what has been wrong inside that some figure out early and other not until later.
This is not a belief.
This is a life saving step for some that are on the verge of ending it all over the internal turmoil our gender dysphoria causes.
Forcing beliefs on a young person, never in your life would any transgender person consider something like that.
The difference- a belief
I believe that one day we can all live our true lives without judgement
I believe that hatred can and will be overcome
I believe all human beings have good in them
I am transgender, I don't believe it I know it with all my being
They are transgender and they know if with all their being
We are not identical in any way, we each do it our way and we know that way suits us.
We know this as a hard and true fact that this is and has been for all our lives
We don't live 10/20/30/40 or more years and then transition only on a belief, it is a long and hard fought battle to get here and not to be taken lightly
If we only had a belief in who we are then we would not put relationships, marriages, families and careers on the line just for a belief. This is a life choice and I chose life.

You tell 'em, sister!

I agree wholeheartedly, Donna.

We must strive and expect full acceptance and not settle for tolerance.

->-bleeped-<- is not a belief but a proven medical/biological fact even if we do not realise ourselves for many, many years.

Frankly it is ridiculous for the opposition to use the word "force"; we would never stoop to that unsavoury tactic.

Wishing you well as always

Pamela

Well today came and went. Work early his mornings and counselling this after noon and in between no stepsons and no grand kids. Seems if they find out about grandma Donna there will be hell to pay. There words not mine and because of this then none of the grandkids can see
me. If the four know them the other two will find out and things could get ugly. This is the most bizarre and strange situation I have ever been in. It's very disappointing and it has put my wife and I at odds with each other.
We don't want to be and we can't live our lives like this. The boys have always been treated very well and the schools here are required to teach acceptance and inclusion so the kids have learnt about all different life styles.
These same parents have had the use of trailers and vehicles and labour and babysitters with out question. So I was glad counseling was today and a plan was devised. It's called the Donna doesn't give a sh-t plan. Sorry bad joke, I do care and so what is going to transpire is I'm going to give the entire subject space for the time being. My wife understands that I have to withdraw from any information or involvement with them. I'm too emotional to not let it show and that makes it harder on her. So just like her counseling sessions I will excuse myeself from the house if they want to come over. If they ask they will be told grandpa left, which is not a lie really as he's not there anymore. We are going to just leave the explanation of this crap to the parents and they can explain there decisions to the kids. I'm not giving up control of my life or my home, what I am doing is protecting Marilyns love for the kids. We need this so we can continue to grow and transition together. It's not a great solution but we are going to give it a try. I did write a scathing email to the boys that I have in reserve and I don't want to send it but may have too. It will go to them and every family member so they don't try to control the narrative.
I hate not being honest and open with the kids but I can't go down that road right now. I have letters to go to them each dated today, sealed and signed so they now these are not written just when the sh-t hits the fan, if it gets to that.
I've learned I need to be the bigger woman now and other things have come up that made me realize I am and can be better than them. I have been accepted into a foundation for transgender children for peer support and as a mentor. I am so pleased that I will be able to try to help a new generation of young men and woman become who they need to be.

So the organization is a non profit that is locally established and run. I have been talking with one of the co founders and she is an amazing lady. This organization has an amazing reputation and has support from the government and medical community. They have short lists for youth with dysphoria issue that need immediate help as waiting list can be extreme.
I think this is a very good place for my energy and it's going to teach me even more about others.
I'm just so pleased to be able to give of my time to try and help others.
I'm getting so involved in the community already. I have two transwomen working for me now and one other employee has a trans son.
I believe anything I can do to support others on their path is what I need to do to share my good fortune to be having my time to transition as well.

I have great respect for you, Donna.

I commend you. I admire you.

You can be so proud that you can utilize your experience as a transwoman to help others on their journey.

Hugs

Pamela

I am sad that you have to go through such shenigans.  I understand the reason, and no doubt it is the right thing to do at the moment, but it must be hard.  I hope the situation gets resolved soon.

What a great idea to volunteer to mentor trans kids!  You are one classy lady, and will be a huge support to those kids.

Donna,

I am catching up.  I see you are still wrestling with those brats of yours.   I hope things get sorted out sooner rather than later.  It is good that you are involved in helping our younger comrades.   Things are better for them than it has been for many of us older folks.  Still, it is not a cake walk by any means.  Good on you to be helpful.

I liked your comments about belief vs fact.  Especially the one about the realty behind the use of of the word "tolerance".  We all know we should "tolerate thy neighbor".  Reminded me of "Love the sinner but hate the sin."   I never could figure out how a person's actions can fulfill both of those things at the same time.  You can do what expresses your disdain for the person's actions or your compassion for the person's needs but not both at the same time.

Work through it and I hope it resolves well and soon for you and your wife's sake.

Hugs to you,
Stevi

Thanks for the comments. I still do believe we need to consider acceptance any where tolerance was used.
My simplistic view of tolerance goes like this.
Great granny has made food for the family picnic, you know you hate it, you know everyone hates it but when you say you tolerate it, you will eat it to be sociable but you still hate it.
Tolerate someone in the lgbtqa+2 world is to say you will put up with them but you hate it.
Unfortunately you will also then not take the time or initiative to learn or understand who or what we are or what we are about.
This is my view and opinion and the way I think.
I love everyone and the diversity we all bring to this wonderful community and wish everyone exactly everything they hope and pray for

https://imgur.com/gallery/KUPoHnL

Quote from: Donna on July 08, 2018, 11:02:03 AM
https://imgur.com/gallery/KUPoHnL

@Donna
All of your recent pictures and your latest Avatar photos are lovely for sure.
You look terrific.
Please continue posting your updates... your followers are always watching for your latest happenings in your life...
Hugs,
Danielle

Thanks. I am just trying to get the pictures to actually open on the post. I'll figure it out someday. Lol

Quote from: Donna on July 08, 2018, 11:16:02 AM
Thanks. I am just trying to get the pictures to actually open on the post. I'll figure it out someday. Lol

@Donna   ... I will be sending you a PM SOON with simple picture posting instructions.... soon!
Hugs,
Danielle

Thanks. I am trying to follow all the instructions but it doesn't seem to like my phone. Lol

Quote from: Donna on July 08, 2018, 11:30:22 AM
Thanks. I am trying to follow all the instructions but it doesn't seem to like my phone. Lol

You need to use a laptop or desktop... your phone does not have the button functions needed
Danielle

Great picture, Donna.  You look fantastic!

Thank you both. Thanks Danielle Ok I guess I have to haul out my dinosaur of a lap top. Oh yuck. Lol

Quote from: Donna on July 08, 2018, 11:49:18 AM
Thank you both. Thanks Danielle Ok I guess I have to haul out my dinosaur of a lap top. Oh yuck. Lol

@Donna:  If you are still having problems posting pictures please let me know,  I will be more than happy to send you my foolproof simple instructions for posting photos on forums posts and private messages.... but you will need your laptop or desktop.

Oh, by the way, if I have not told you already, your latest pictures and your latest avatar pictures are terrific ...  you are looking very nice indeed.  Full-time since March... CONGRATULATIONS, your progress is looking very good.

Please keep posting and updating....
....your readers and followers want to keep up with what is going on with you...
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Donna on July 08, 2018, 11:02:03 AM
https://imgur.com/gallery/KUPoHnL

In case your wondering I had to take the picture down as the comments were getting out of hand
on imgur. I will find a new way of doing them.

Quote from: Donna on July 10, 2018, 11:39:28 AM
In case your wondering I had to take the picture down as the comments were getting out of hand
on imgur. I will find a new way of doing them.

don't do it as an imgur post, upload only and use a private link.  :)

Quote from: Donna on July 10, 2018, 11:39:28 AM
In case your wondering I had to take the picture down as the comments were getting out of hand
on imgur. I will find a new way of doing them.

@Donna
On Imgur you can easily sign up with a free account there and keep your pictures and your account completely and safely PRIVATE.
Hugs,
Danielle

I'm learning. Lol. I'll get it figured soon or later

Well another week and another pile to deal with plus some good. So the good is I hired another trans woman to work for me. I now have two people from our community plus a mom of a trans male on staff. I also have two seniors as well. We just finished a huge three day parkade cleaning and we all went home beat. I'm getting my clearances in place to volunteer and be a mentor for trans youth with a local group. That should be a wonderful experience.
So on the ->-bleeped-<- storm front, the step son decided to grace our home with his presence, along with it his wife and the two grandkids that my wife had not seen since Christmas.
Wow what generosity on his behalf to finally come around for a visit. Of course while I was at work across the city and to add salt to the wound there was a caveat. They wanted a guarantee that I would not be around or come home while they were there.
Well ain't that just a kick in the face, this is the same person that believes his youngest may be gay but can accept him openly if he is. This is the same person that is sworn to serve and protect everyone in the city, yes he's a cop. His wife feels the same about me, she is a physc nurse and works with all sort of people and should be understanding and caring.
They finally moved their trailer out of my space but didn't bother telling us so now I'm stuck paying for an empty space for another month so I can cancel it for the 15th.
Like I said they just take take take. My wife has always spent $200 each on Christmas presents and $75 on birthday presents, she didn't even get a mother's day card and of course no Father's Day cards. For Christmas They bought her a $10 warming plate for her coffee cup and I got a small box of trivia cards. Even my wife is getting to the end of her patience with them.   
We just can't understand the BS out of these people. I have finally written them off and I won't let it bother me any more. I'm better than they are and I know it.
Just found out the BP med ( valsartan ) in generic form is contaminated with a know liver carcinogen and the none generic is 3 month back ordered. So switching meds and dealing with the crazy swings until I get dosage set and my body balanced.
Nine days until my next injection and final settling of my orchi date. Would love the first week of August but not up to me. Getting so happy that it's so close. I'm already feeling a couple nuts lighter.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/DkEww3evjd5aJZfy6
Green background is 2005
Blue suit is 2015 at dad funeral and 300 pounds
Close up face is summer 2016
The rest are February 2018 and on

Quote from: Donna on July 15, 2018, 11:46:26 AM
https://photos.app.goo.gl/DkEww3evjd5aJZfy6
Green background is 2005
Blue suit is 2015 at dad funeral and 300 pounds
Close up face is summer 2016
The rest are February 2018 and on

@Donna
Dear Donna:   Wow-whee.... what a wonderful presentation and progression showing your HRT and transition progress.   Big significant changes are quite evident.   The "pills" along with your grooming are doing their magic.   
Welcome to the world as a woman that you are.

Thank you for sharing with all of your readers and followers.... 
....we will be looking forward to you continued updates as you feel comfortable posting them.

Hugs and well wishes as always...
Danielle

Thank you and I appreciate the comments. I look forward to each and every new day and I take the trials and tribulations as a learning and growing experience.

Hi Donna,
I just want to say that as a boy looking into mtf (actually I cross dressed the first time yesterday) your story is incredibly inspiring and gives me a lot of hope. I was actually molested when I was younger as well and you make me feel a lot better and helps me worry less about the future!
Thanks so much!
Lots of love,
Maria! X

Well thank you. I think I've said it before. If I can help even one person then everything has been worth while.
Feel feee to PM

Quote from: Donna on July 15, 2018, 04:28:15 PM
Well thank you. I think I've said it before. If I can help even one person then everything has been worth while.
Feel feee to PM

Dear Donna,                       16 July 2018

Like I said before, every time you post a new avatar you are absolutely beautiful.

Hope all is well in you and your wife's lives.

Back posting; have to have an outlet for my wiseass comments.

Have a visit with my primary doctor this afternoon at 1420 hrs; think I may have a UTI so I'll have a Urine test to verify. Also need to discuss my upcoming annual physical and the tests we need to run. I'm in the fourth quarter of my life and I plan to make it through with a few overtimes thrown in. My goal is to be the oldest MTF transsexual on spaceship Earth. So take care of yourself, I'd like you there when I arrive.

Best Always, All my Love,
Christine

Hello Donna
I just read through your entire thread and despite the early turbulence in your life you have passed through this with flying colors and I am very inspired by your story
And I very much appreciated your personal contact with me to offer any advice. Truly the joy is in the giving.
Thank you for sharing your life with everybody and with me.
hats off to you girl you definitely impacted my life and know that I only wish the very best for you.
love Tatiana

snipped:

Quote from: christinej78 on July 16, 2018, 05:13:33 AM
- - - - - - -
Back posting; have to have an outlet for my wiseass comments.
- - - - - - -
Have a visit with my primary doctor this afternoon at 1420 hrs; think I may have a UTI so I'll have a Urine test to verify. Also need to discuss my upcoming annual physical and the tests we need to run. I'm in the fourth quarter of my life and I plan to make it through with a few overtimes thrown in. My goal is to be the oldest MTF transsexual on spaceship Earth. So take care of yourself, I'd like you there when I arrive.

Best Always, All my Love,
Christine

@christinej78
Dear Christine:   I saw no mention of this on your thread this morning when I logged in and went to your thread to check for your updates... so I am glad that I was able to chase you down on this thread...
             ... please forgive me @Donna for busting in on your thread.

I am wishing you well with your doctor appointment today and your upcoming annual physical exam and the subsequent tests that your doctor wants for you.

I am certain that all of us on the forums want you to succeed with your goal "to be the oldest MTF transsexual on spaceship Earth."   Of course pictures will be forthcoming.... right?

It is indeed a pleasure to see your renewed activity on the forums along with your "wise" comments.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Lol. NP Danielle and welcome back Christine. Nice to see you back.
And to everyone else thank for all the comments and support.
This is an amazing place full of amazing people

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on July 16, 2018, 12:48:18 PM
snipped:
@christinej78
Dear Christine:   I saw no mention of this on your thread this morning when I logged in and went to your thread to check for your updates... so I am glad that I was able to chase you down on this thread...
             ... please forgive me @Donna for busting in on your thread.

I am wishing you well with your doctor appointment today and your upcoming annual physical exam and the subsequent tests that your doctor wants for you.

I am certain that all of us on the forums want you to succeed with your goal "to be the oldest MTF transsexual on spaceship Earth."   Of course pictures will be forthcoming.... right?

It is indeed a pleasure to see your renewed activity on the forums along with your "wise" comments.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Thanks Danielle for the kind words. Do you know why they don't allow Donkey's in collage?.... No one like a smartass. I got that way in catholic school; nine miserable years of it. I got even with them by switching genders. I wish those old hags were still around so I could rub their noses in how happy I am to be trans. Next time I go back to where I grew up, I'm going to take a stethoscope with me so I can visit their graves. I want to listen for the sounds of them spinning around in their boxes.

Thank you Donna; I do appreciate your candid posts on all the events in your life. You have endured and succeeded in rising above it all. Your postings have to have helped others that have experienced similar abuse. It helps them realize they are not alone and that you can rise above it all. You are truly a blessing to the world.

Best Always, All My Love,
Christine

So off to the counsellor today. Had a quick chat about the last two weeks and then got on to the important part. We reviewed my gender identity disorder assessment today. This will be cleaned up( a couple med mistakes) and then it will be signed and sent off to my new transgender care doctor. She is such a wonderful and caring person and she specifically trained to do this job for all of us transgenders that are having a hard time with the wait lists. She trained under one of the best here in the city and I got in the day after I phoned for an appointment. She will be changing my estrogen routine to balance out with the orchi. Well next Monday I get the date set in August  for the removal of the jewels and their friends( cysts). I've been at castrate levels now for over two months and the feeling is amazing. The doc wanted to make sure I could handle it, well of course I can and I'm loving it.
So I have come up with a new coping mechanism thanks to my counsellor to deal with the family issues. Her suggestion was to write down everything that bothers me, read them a couple time and then print them out and burn them like trash. It's funny but it works for me. I get the ->-bleeped-<- out of my head and to actually see those words go up in smoke is liberating. Marilyn and I are making headway thru her part of transitioning, it's odd to think that she has to transition as well and that transition forced on her. We want more than anything to stay together and my dropping the resentment against family takes even more strain off our moving forward together. She would like my voice to stay unchanged around her and I can give her that and understand her reasoning. She can still hear him and be comforted by a familiar voice but see a new love in her life in Donna. This is becoming a very interesting part of the journey. I'm finding more and more that the little guy really doesn't bother me anymore, don't really even notice or think about it anymore and that help me relax about a final decision about future surgery. A lot of my hair is thinning out and laser and electrolysis is fixing the rest all for the better.
And now for the rest of the story——————- later

@Donna ... a wonderful and nicely detailed good news update. 

ah ha... And now for the rest of the story- - - - - later ;)

Your readers and followers with be impatiently waiting!!!!

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Hey, Donna,
                 I don't post here much, cause I hate keyboarding. I will say you are a role model not only for me but for the community.  I think it is important to add that when our family lets us down, we have the sisterhood and  Susan's to prop us up until we can stand up again. I'm having some issues with family, but the community is always here. For that i am grateful.  BTW I love the pink dress.    Chat soon.


                                                                                Laurie

Thanks dear. I have become very involved and very outspoken and outgoing and as I've said before if I can help One person along the way and never harm anyone I am happy lady

Wow. Did I get in a funk yesterday. I hate the black spaces. I hate the thoughts that come with the black spaces. Stressing about relationships and life and money and space and work all just caught up to me. I reached for the damn bottle again but then thought better if that and I'm stress eating again. Damn customers are 50 days past due on a majorly large invoice and I'm trying to make wages  and bills until other work is paid. I'm wondering if Monday isn't playing into this as well, I'm two days away from signing away my boys and I know I need it but I have never voluntarily given up a body part that wasn't trying to kill me. But I guess they are trying to kill me in a way. I need to make it to Monday afternoon to see how I feel. I got so angry that I did a poison pill email to the pricks in my life. I have it set to go to them but it is also going to go to every family member that has stayed quiet about the way they have been treating me. Yes they have to the most part been saying they are acceptingn but actions or inactions say a lot too. We can't  come around with out an invite or we don't want to intrude, such BS. Never stopped them before.
This is the email I did and I've censored it a bit as I was really pissed when I wrote it but I think it still reflects my feelings. My wife knows about it and she knows about the darkness as we talked into the wee hours this morning. Unfortunately she also gets angry knowing I feel this way about her boys, but they are the cause of it.
This is it

Thanks guys and I hope your ready to step up and take care of your mom. You are driving a wedge further and further between us. I'd like nothing more than to start healing but no, that can't happen. Marilyn is not in good health and you just want your demands and controls in place. How do you figure I'm placing any more stress on her by transitioning than you are in rejecting her love and soul mate. Meet us in a park, come to our house. Guarantee that Donna will not be around. Well who do you think has to Do all the work to Make that happens. I have no problem with it but for Pete's sakes why do you have to be so ignorant. We can be happy but this is no different than you buying Lanny bottles and then saying, mom get your life straighten out with him. I'm not causing you any harm and I truly love Marilyn and want to
Continue doing that but I can't when everytime your names come up it turns the screws even more. Go ahead drive that wedge even further. At some point you will permanently split us apart and who will be there to help your mom. Surly you will all step up and put your money where your mouth is.
You will be here or have someone here 24/7 to cook and clean and bath and care for her. You will Put your life on hold and only be here for her. You will listen to her scream in pain when moving. You will tend for all her daily needs and work everyday as well. Oh don't forget you might get 5 hours of sleep a night but not all at once. Don't forget leaving work to come home and assist. Are you all ready because that is where this is heading. Continue being so uncaring and her support system that you haven't even cared to learn about will no longer have a any choice but to leave. Not that I won't stay and not that I can't stay but I can't continue to be attacked from all sides. Marilyn has her issues with me and they are valid and we are dealing with it but I sure as sh-t don't need you guys causing even more sh-t. Withholding the grandkids, yes the ones that don't even ask about me when they call grandma. I guess like I said the other day. I'm either invisible or I 'm dead. Guess the second one is how you would rather see me. I really hope you will be happy that I'm no Longer transitioning with my wonderful wife. You don't have a clue what my life was and has been like to deal with. I finally found true Inner peace and happiness but unfortunately that is only One sided because not one of you cares or Has ever asked if I'm happy, only how much do I have to give, how far am I willing to go to help other. Give give give and you all take take take. Forget Christmas and birthdays, mother and Father's Day all mean jack sh-t. There's no reason that after us spending $1000 dollars of very hard earned money on your  family's  that a box of chocolates or trivia card is the way you show you really appreciate everything we have given and you have taken.
I'm just so sick of this and so done that I don't give a damn anymore. Wow thanks for being the most uncaring spoiled pricks I've ever meet.

Please forgive the language but I did clean it up. This will go to everyone in the family and I'm not going to have those two pricks control the narrative. I want all family member to know exactly what was said rather than just the pricks versions.
I've got to get back to loving me and find my smile again. I know it's here somewhere.

Hi Donna,

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, I can totally understand your view, those boys have driven you to a desperate place, and are making you and your wife suffer because of there own bigotry and ignorance, while I don't drink I do reach for the chocolate and bread bin when I'm down and regret it later which makes me worse, so I also feel you there.

I don't think it's my place to say one way or another whether it is the right thing to do to send the email to your family, I respect your decision on that, however I would like to draw a parallel to something similar I did last year, and how I feel about it now. My sister has not properly accepted me and like you pointed out actions or inactions say a lot, and her inactions wrote a book, I sent her an email of a similar tone to yours thanking her for her concern for my wife and family while we were going through quite possibly the worst period in our lives etc, it felt great to send that off to her, I was getting my point across and she was going to listen! Only I then felt even worse after a bit, and her reply rather than being conciliatory was bitter and her true feelings were exposed. I suppose my point is are you prepared for what may be the fall-out, and will you feel guilty about it afterwards i.e. will it make you feel worse inside? Some people have very thick skins especially people who sound like those boys, will it roll off there backs and help there poisonous agenda, but hurt you more, are there words that could be turn back around at you to hurt you later on?

I'm not saying one way or another whether to send it, just sharing my experience. I have followed your posts for some time and you have my support.

With lots of hugs

Nicole

So a quick note and update. The orchi date is set for August 24 2018. If a cancer case comes in I could get bumped and then it would be October. So here's hoping
It stay with August

Hi Donna,

  I am hoping right along with you that you do not get bumped. You are ahead of me with these decisions. I've just open that door and am peeking in. You go girl!

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thanks Laurie.
My urologist is being super about this. As soon as he meet me as Donna the first time he asked if I'd like them gone. I have some majorly painfull cysts so he is doing it for a medical reason as opposed to the long wait on the transgender side. He is the surgeon that did my prostatectomy so he knows me very well and I had talked to him in the past about removing all the boy bits. This is why he put me on eligard, then I could experience no T before removal and see if I love it. I am 4 months with T in the .75-1.5 range, I received a second injection today to hold me there until the surgery and just in case it gets bumped. This shot will cover me for 4 months now and very soon I will be starting a different  estrogen treatment plan with my new doctor. I do very much love the way I feel now and the changes and everything are amazing and wonderful.

Sorry peeps if my language above was over the top. I was in a very bad and black space this weekend and posted what was in my head. My apologies to Susan and the mods and everyone here for the language

This is a powerful story. I hope to read more about your journey as time goes on [emoji4]

Sent from my SM-G935W8 using Tapatalk

Quote from: Donna on July 01, 2018, 07:47:51 AM
So last night I started thinking, and yes that's a bad thing for me.
The world has a funny way of telling you things and I for one didn't see it even thought it's sort of plain out there.
Last night laying down in bed thoughts turned to my dad. He past in May of 2015
It was at his funeral that I laughed when I found out my molester was dead and at the same time didn't cause his children pain be confronting them as planned at the funeral.
My emotions started breaking thru after that and have come rushing back.
I did know that a lot of my desicions of late have revolved around May since then.
May of 2016 I started buying bras and wearing them for comfort and I had hated dressing up in bras previously and I noticed there was no arousal factor with it like a fetish.
This was all without my wife's knowledge and the wearing was sort of part time. 4/5 days a week but a sport bra to sleep in under my pj's.
In May of 2017 after some thought and research based on my urologist wanting to lower my T but not qualifying for coverage for the meds I started messing with herbals and built the whole cocktail of anti androgens and phytoestrogens and started on the heavy. Things started working well and then my medical came along and the doctor was exposed to the bra and breast changes and it was decided to put me in spiro and dutatriside and do it right. The rest is written about here and that brings me up to May of 2018. The government lowered and or dropped a lot of requirements for gender marker change. I changed my name legally and then my marker and now working in a the rest of the changes. Sure don't realize how many there are. Last night laying in bed thinking about dad and I see the viewing and then the burial and heard my dad in my head and then realized that May just happened again. With all the times I could have processed paperwork I sent it when I did. I didn't know the laws where changing and didn't know what the time delay would be to get the name change back, it had been 3 months at one point.
I dropped off my paperwork to the government office on May 11, they processed the request and approved it on May 16, the three year anniversary of dad's death and I had it in my hand on May 22. The third anniversary of the service and burial and the day I finally released  my pain and emotions. I'm not overly spiritual but this had to be my dad's acceptance of Donna.
And now the tears are flowing

So another interseting item came up tonight during a thunderstorm. I fall back on the May references. May 2012 was also when our building got hit be lightning and blew a 4 foot hole in the roof above our bathroom and burnt up $9000 worth of my electronics. Lol how things pop into your mind. May is also the month my daughter was born.

So the testicals are history. They are done and gone now. 9am arrival at the hospital for a 12:30 surgery. But they can't locate the anesthesia tech. Finally at 1:10 he arrives now my surgeon is missing, gone for coffee. Anyways 1:45 rolls around and all is good. The injection goes in and they say it may taste funny or give me sweats. Hell I was sound asleep before any of that happened. 2:45 and I'm waking up and feeling stomach cramps and gas and it's all over. Tiny little incision and a dozen stitches and all is good.
Wheeled of to the holding area and back to my translady friend that came along to drive me home. After the nurses are done I'm expecting my friend to come back in and in walks another translady friend. My other friend made arrangements for the two of them to be there when I got back. Wow what a surprise and I'm laying there crying from happiness.
It the nicest thing the three of us hugging and holding hands and just being sisters. The nurse looking after me was almost in tears as well. Jess brought me a rose and Rhi bought me a beautiful butterfly necklace.
I can't believe these wonderful ladies would come and be with me. Rhi and Jess had never meet face to face and Jess wore a dress just for me. She hates wearing dresses so that was a huge deal for her. Got released and we took off for coffee and food and just the nicest time together.
Now I can sit back and wait for the next adventure , what ever that will be.

Quote from: Donna on August 24, 2018, 10:11:02 PM
So the testicals are history. They are done and gone now. 9am arrival at the hospital for a 12:30 surgery. But they can't locate the anesthesia tech. Finally at 1:10 he arrives now my surgeon is missing, gone for coffee. Anyways 1:45 rolls around and all is good. The injection goes in and they say it may taste funny or give me sweats. Hell I was sound asleep before any of that happened. 2:45 and I'm waking up and feeling stomach cramps and gas and it's all over. Tiny little incision and a dozen stitches and all is good.
Wheeled of to the holding area and back to my translady friend that came along to drive me home. After the nurses are done I'm expecting my friend to come back in and in walks another translady friend. My other friend made arrangements for the two of them to be there when I got back. Wow what a surprise and I'm laying there crying from happiness.
It the nicest thing the three of us hugging and holding hands and just being sisters. The nurse looking after me was almost in tears as well. Jess brought me a rose and Rhi bought me a beautiful butterfly necklace.
I can't believe these wonderful ladies would come and be with me. Rhi and Jess had never meet face to face and Jess wore a dress just for me. She hates wearing dresses so that was a huge deal for her. Got released and we took off for coffee and food and just the nicest time together.
Now I can sit back and wait for the next adventure , what ever that will be.

Hi Donna,                     24 Aug 2018

Congratulations Donna; welcome to the zero testosterone club. I think you will enjoy the peace, tranquility and almost zero aggression. Some aggression is learned and I have had to try to rid myself of it; I'm making good progress.

All the best to you and hope the healing is rapid and painless.

Best Always, Love
Christine

Donna

I am so happy everything went well surgically and also socially! Congratulations you must be so relieved and so delighted. I wish you a speedy recovery.

Hugs

Pamela

Congratulations on having the boys move out for good!

Quote from: KathyLauren on August 25, 2018, 11:42:48 AM
Congratulations on having the boys move out for good!

Hi Kathy,             26 Aug 2018

I couldn't wait to have mine removed. I remember the day like it was (yesterday)  Friday 13 April 2018. I was one happy lady to be waiting for the surgery to begin. About 30 minutes later I awoke without testicles. I wouldn't go back for anything. Riding my body of those nasty things was a dream come true.

I have to say my life is now the happiest it has ever been.

Best to you Kathy; Donna, I hope you have a great life, you have more than earned it.

Best Always, Love
Christine

@Donna
Dear Donna:
This is such good news and a wonderful update for me to read.   All of this went about as well as it possibly could... and the support from your trans-lady friends was wonderful for me to hear about.... and it was certainly wonderful for you to get that kind of kindness and comfort from like-minded friends.   

I would have loved to be a fly on the wall listening to your conversation with each other during your coffee time after you were released from the hospital....

Like you stated.... now waiting for your next adventure!!!
Thanks for your update and including all of us in your transition adventure as you reach for your goals.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Donna on August 24, 2018, 10:11:02 PM
So the testicals are history. They are done and gone now. 9am arrival at the hospital for a 12:30 surgery. But they can't locate the anesthesia tech. Finally at 1:10 he arrives now my surgeon is missing, gone for coffee. Anyways 1:45 rolls around and all is good. The injection goes in and they say it may taste funny or give me sweats. Hell I was sound asleep before any of that happened. 2:45 and I'm waking up and feeling stomach cramps and gas and it's all over. Tiny little incision and a dozen stitches and all is good.
Wheeled of to the holding area and back to my translady friend that came along to drive me home. After the nurses are done I'm expecting my friend to come back in and in walks another translady friend. My other friend made arrangements for the two of them to be there when I got back. Wow what a surprise and I'm laying there crying from happiness.
It the nicest thing the three of us hugging and holding hands and just being sisters. The nurse looking after me was almost in tears as well. Jess brought me a rose and Rhi bought me a beautiful butterfly necklace.
I can't believe these wonderful ladies would come and be with me. Rhi and Jess had never meet face to face and Jess wore a dress just for me. She hates wearing dresses so that was a huge deal for her. Got released and we took off for coffee and food and just the nicest time together.
Now I can sit back and wait for the next adventure , what ever that will be.

yyyyyaaaaaaayyyyy so happy for you ..... you sound slightly different on the phone too

Lol Laurie I feel different. I'm so
Much happier and calmer.
Thank you Danielle, you didn't need to be a fly on the wall. The conversations in the hospital with the three of us together was turning heads maybe I was a little loopy and loud. The lady across from us didn't really know what to make of us.
The staff where so nice as well, when I came back from surgery and before the girls came in the nurse got me comfortable and then said. I think you have something in your clothes bag you would like, she reached in and got my wig out and helped me put it on and only then did she open the curtains. It was so considerate of her and she wasn't there when I left. One of the other nurses asked her to help with that. The swelling is down a lot tonight and the flatness is great looking and feeling. Another benefit I noticed is my penis has retracted even farther and with the swelling still inside I only have a little less then one inch sticking out and it's all foreskin. This satisfies my vision of me for now

Ten days out from the orchi. Feeling great and back to 90%. T was at 0.2 and get my next test in a week. E is increased and that's making me feel even better with lots of new changes.
I did my first pride parade this weekend and just loved it. I was with a group that supports trans youth and gender questioning kids. I supplied the truck and trailer for the groups float and then got to drive as the first float in the parade. It was an amazing and very huge emotional event for me and I crashed afterwards from all the adrenaline rush. I'm still buzzing and happy high from the whole event.
While we were waiting I was interviewed with one of my trans lady girlfriends by a major network.
My girl friend was interviewed as well and when the news came on that evening the opening and intro was my interview. After the intro they went to parade coverage and came back with my friends interview and then my interview. It was great to see it and just topped of the entire day.
Another transgirl friend did a music video a couple weeks ago and she just loved it. So today she was contacted by the producer about another video. It is a song about a child transitioning and shows the progress from 7 yrs to old age. She has been asked  to be in it and bring more trans friends for the different age ranges. I'm getting to play the older transwoman part which is just fantastic, so many happy and positive things happening in my life.
The next thing is on the 19th of September, the Alberta government is implementing a mandatory training course for all new doctors for transgender care and assessment and sexual health. Currently this is only a voluntary option and the new course will start for the 2020 school year.
I and a few others have been asked to volunteer and come in to teach a course to students now. We will be with a doctor already looking after trans patients. We will teach three classes of 12 students and cover one of three different case studies. I have chosen a doctor that is covering all three cases and will be teaching with him. Our rolls as transgender patients will be to see how the students interact, ask questions of the trans patient and how they address our needs and concerns. The current issue they are dealing with is that doctors don't understand the uniqueness of each of us. This should be an interesting learning experience for me.
This may be my final post in here and if it is I wish all well.

snipped: 

Quote from: Donna on September 04, 2018, 11:11:27 PM
Ten days out from the orchi. Feeling great and back to 90%. T was at 0.2 and get my next test in a week. E is increased and that's making me feel even better with lots of new changes.
I did my first pride parade this weekend and just loved it. I was with a group that supports trans youth and gender questioning kids. I supplied the truck and trailer for the groups float and then got to drive as the first float in the parade. It was an amazing and very huge emotional event for me and I crashed afterwards from all the adrenaline rush. I'm still buzzing and happy high from the whole event.
- - - - - - -
   - - - - - - -- - 
This may be my final post in here and if it is I wish all well.

@Donna
Dear Donna:
I was just about to tell you that I enjoyed reading your "good news" post  along with Orchi report and trans parade update....   
BUT... WHAT IS THIS WITH YOUR STATEMENT ABOUT THIS MAYBE BEING YOUR LAST POST??? ??? ???

I love following your thread and your various postings around the forums.

Hugs and hugs, and best wishes as always.
Danielle

Hello Donna

I have really enjoyed following your thread and if is your last post on it, I am sure you will continue to post and provide help to many in other posts either of your chosen topic or others' chosen topics.

I am happy you are feeling better physically and emotionally and that you are "spreading the word" and actively campaigning for better transgender understanding and care and rights.

Thank you for your inspirational posts and I look to forward to hearing from you further if and when you wish.

Thanks and Hugs

Pamela  xx

Thanks Danielle and Pamela for your comments, thank you Christine for the pm.
Be well every one. Maybe one day I'll stop back in but if I'm just writing for myself then I will confine it to my journal and talk with my girlfriends here when I need support.
Thanks to everyone who has commented in the past.
Good evening be well all