Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I guess this is just a tired rant. Sorry I'm not succinct.

My girlfriend has a work friend who's been very supportive of my transition and uses my new name and pronouns and is all around a good guy, mostly. I recently added him on my secret Facebook where I'm out as a transguy and it's been fine. But my girlfriend recently revealed that this work friend believes transgender surgeries are unnecessary, and that it should be "mind over matter." It seems he thinks hormones are okay because they're "reversible." I understand he's likely coming from a place of misled ignorance rather than hate, but gee. It hurt my feelings.

Saying it's okay to have "reversible " treatment invalidates me, because you're saying I'll change my mind later. While it's true not all trans people want or need surgery, for a cis guy to say no one should have surgeries "because you don't need them" is ->-bleeped-<-ty. And now I'm feeling gross about having him on my Facebook like, if I later post about surgeries and he likes it to be supportive, I know he secretly thinks it's bullcrap, yeah? That's not great.

Before this I had it revealed that my inlaw I'm staying with deadnames me behind my back. And last week my dad said it's okay to be a gay woman as long as I grow my hair out and wear dresses. My gf and I are homeless and he said we couldn't even camp on his extensive private property as long as I was doing my queer gender stuff. He was my last lifeline to my family, and I guess that's gone now.

All around I'm feeling hurt and betrayed and tired. If I lived alone I think I'd burn my binder and packer, my cologne and men's deodorant. I think I'd just detransition but I know it would lead to self harm and I can't do that with my gf living with me so I'm just tired. I don't know what to do other than ride it out I guess. I feel so gross about my body that I can't stand for my girlfriend to touch me. It hasn't been this bad in over a year, so much progress lost.

Wow.  I am sorry to hear this, so many negative things hitting you at once. 

Your girlfriend's work friend - I'd say he's superficially supportive and that's better than the alternative.  But he is unfortunately clueless.  Perhaps the right moment will come up to explain a few medical facts to him, but probably not worth it.  If he's easier to ignore without a Facebook connection I'd hit the delete button. 

The in-law situation is more difficult.  Since you're staying with them I imagine you don't want to launch a potential disagreement - but deadnaming only behind your back is probably intentional.  The situation isn't permanent and I bet you will have the opportunity to solve this in the future. 

Your dad's attitude is disappointing and sad.  He is literally on the wrong side of history.  And yet when he ages to the point where he needs help I bet you will be right there to help him a little or a lot, because you are a good person.  Sometimes the best way to undeniably prove a point is with kindness.

Kendra

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Really I am. Sometimes life can feel like you're just treading water, trying not to drown. I know that feeling.

I wish I had advice to offer you, sweetie, but I don't. Not really. Just... hold on, okay? As overused as this quote is, it's true. "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger". Just... hold on. Ignorance doesn't have to be permanent. That someone doesn't know any better doesn't change who you are, or your path in life. Beliefs can change. And even if they don't, the only person who can ultimately validate you, is the person you see in the mirror. The only person who really knows you. And no one can take that away from you. Hold onto that, okay?

Other than that, I can only really offer a big cyberhug, and tell you that I believe in you. And I believe you have it inside you to get to where you want to be. I believe you're strong enough to keep going.

*extra big hug*

:)

I'm real sorry dude. That is invalidating as you can get in the more "friendly" variety. I know how it could make you feel. Back around 2014/2015, before my mom came around and started to understand she was hoping I would just settle on being a gay male (even as I am not exclusively attracted to males) and would say in general that atleast if someone wants kids or what not they can just go back no problem if they "go" gay or lesbian instead of transgender. Back then she, and indeed most of my family really wanted this transition journey to be a phase . It was infuriating.

You see this is why sharing this information with other people unnecessarily in the hope they will all accept you causes more problems. If you're not currently strong enough to cope without people being supportive to you, then do not give them the means to be unsupportive in the first place. Get on with your transition and don't tell them a damn thing. It also helps not to pore over whether other people have the same ideological position you do. If they're not being civil to you then it's a valid problem, but if they are polite and not actively getting in your way then that's all you can expect from another human being. They all have free will and their own minds after all, if they want to think what we do is nuts, who cares. They're entitled to believe whatever nonsense they want, provided they actually leave you in peace. If you want the freedom to do your thing without hurting anyone, that coworker guy should also have his.

Your dad on the other hand, sounds like he is being deliberately mean. But again, if he wants to be an ass, there is little you can do. Independence is the best policy, I find. If people have no authority over you, if you don't live under their roof, then at least they can't dictate to you how you live your life. It might be the best possible outcome that you do not end up under your dad's roof but find another place. It sounds like he would only make it hell.

Hi tough guy.  (I call you that because it's true.  You've made it this far.)

I managed to get out of the closet and keep my wife, my career, my kids (both of them are working adults) and most of my friends.  But my family, forget it.  I know if my dad were healthy he would do everything he could think of to mess  me up, my brother pretty much tried and my sister has been pretty lukewarm.  And Mom is senile and still does not know.

Nobody transitions without losing something somewhere.  As my wife's best friend said to me when I came out to her:  "You are going to learn who your friends are."

Don't compromise yourself to please others.  You will only wreck your health, and no matter how hard you try to be your assigned gender, they will hold their knowledge of your internal conflict over your head and act like everything you do is just barely good enough for them even if you are doing the "right" thing.

And people out in the world are going to back stab you from time to time.  It's just human nature; learn not to take it personally.

Don't give up.  Believe in yourself.  You will get to where you want to be.

Hugs, Carly