Susan's Place Transgender Resources

As a fairly new member of the trans community I have found a lot of inspirational posts and material around coming out, going on hormones, reassignment surgery etc and nothing has put me off continuing on the road to transitioning. I'm encouraged by the journeys that girls have gone through even though many have faced difficult times. But I am struggling with something right now.

I'm in the UK and I have yet to come out to anyone in person - though I have here and on other sites - mostly because I'm afraid of the consequences of that next step. Not as becoming a trans woman but potential loss of relationships etc. I've been trying to reach out to find others who can chat/email with me so I can continue to find strength and common ground but still have that discretion until I'm ready to go to the next stage.

The problem is though....all I seem to be attracting are guys who want photos and sex. I know that if I was out then attending local meetings etc would be an ideal way of meeting real girls similar to me so I can only blame me for that but surely there is a trans network out there who are willing to email/chat without the condition that I need to show a willingness to have sex with them first??

Anyone got any suggestions for me? ???

Thanks for listening

Megan x

I know the problem. Creeps try to hit on me on facebook. I still have my birth name on facebook but a recent pic of me. People assume I'm MTF and start asking about sex.

One guy kept recently messing me on messenger. I told him we can chat, if you drop the sex talk. He vanished in thin air. Never heared of him again.

I'm no creep, but I'm a guy. Maybe you want other girls to talk to.


Tony

While I can't say I've had any trouble with creeps, I've certainly had trouble with maintaining relationships with people after telling them I am a transgender man. So to some extent I get it, friends who understand would be quite nice in this situation so if ever you wanna talk, I'm always here, 100% creep-free


-Nathanyel

I'm still looking for an answer to that myself. I currently have 8 friends, and that's counting a guy that hasn't spoken to me since I came out to him 2 months ago.

Basic networking helps, I think. If you know one or two other trans people you can ask them to introduce you to their friends, who can then introduce you to their friends etc. You do have to go out of your way to get to know people like that, but it kinda works.

The other thing I've started doing is hanging out at a local gay bar. I'm still physically a guy, so that's how people there know me. I'm hoping that'll be a relatively judgement-free zone where I can make friends that won't leave me when I go full-time.

Im from the UK aswell and only just came out days ago, I have literally no friends who arent family. Im not great socially  it would be nice to socialize with someone with similar circumastances

Hi Megan,

In my experience, what you are feeling is fairly common. Not just for trans people, but all people. We live in a world more connected than ever before, yet the distance between individuals seems increasingly challenging.
Just chatting with people and holding no agenda seems to be the best way for me. That said, be strong in your values, respect who you are and don't be afraid to shut down a conversation that heads in a direction you find unpleasant.

Take care and good luck.
Si

Thank you guys and girls for your advice and support. It's good to know that I can message any of you and  have a decent chat without it resorting to smut and requests for dirty pics.  I'm not in this to be an object for some guys fetish or to relieve their own sexual frustrations and I don't think these guys realise that.

As I said in my earlier post I think coming out will help me to make real friends with trans women and men (trans or not) who are respectful of me and my wishes but I think I'm still a bit short of doing that in the near future so having someone to bounce off will be both a relief and educational but hopefully will also create new friends.

Thanks again and don't be shy in messaging me if any of you want to chat.

Megan x

Hi Tsukicat and CallmeMegan

Dont know if either of you are interested, but Megan is organising a get together for UK members, https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,237194.msg2141621.html#msg2141621

Otherwise, like anything else it depends on where you look and who you speak to. There's some awesome people out there. And if not I'm always happy to help anyone!

Em x

Hi Em

Yeah I saw that she had arranged for Sept but I've told her that I can't make that date. It's a great idea n hopefully there may be more in the future that I can get to.

Thanks for passing it on though

Megan x

Quote from: CallmeMegan on June 06, 2018, 09:24:40 AM
Thank you guys and girls for your advice and support. It's good to know that I can message any of you and  have a decent chat without it resorting to smut and requests for dirty pics.  I'm not in this to be an object for some guys fetish or to relieve their own sexual frustrations and I don't think these guys realise that.

As I said in my earlier post I think coming out will help me to make real friends with trans women and men (trans or not) who are respectful of me and my wishes but I think I'm still a bit short of doing that in the near future so having someone to bounce off will be both a relief and educational but hopefully will also create new friends.

Thanks again and don't be shy in messaging me if any of you want to chat.

Megan x

It goes a bit farther than that. The site is not a hookup site and is instead a medical help site. Sometimes members enter relationships however aggressiveness in a relationship isn't permitted. As long as you use posting and PMs, you will have a report button available on the right side of each entry. Using the report button will flag the staff and allow use to see the issue. If we judge the member is out of line, we have several options including the ability to turn off posting and/or PMs.

We watch for people who are only here for sex and eliminate most of them before they have time to do damage however we might miss one so your assistance is welcome.

Depending where you are in the UK, if you can find a local trans support group, that would be a good place to start.
I'm a member of the Cambridge Diamonds group who meet weekly, and are very friendly. Earlier in my transition I would go almost every week, I go along occasionally now. There are also Beaumont Society groups around the country that would also be fully accepting and provide a safe atmosphere to meet others in person.

Good luck. X

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Why not befriend some cis women? They are far easier to find and won't creep on you like men do.

In my two years on Susan's I have not witnessed any blatant sex fiends. We police ourselves pretty good and between Dena, Joann, Laurie, Danielle, Kendra and others we feel pretty safe. Susan has created a wonderful source for medical and reference materials. We do not discuss dosages however because it leads some to self medicate, which is a big, huge, extreme no-no.  I am the Links administrator and Siobhan is assisting in updating our links. If somewhere down the line you would like to join us we can always use the help. If you find the information helpful, submit a  contribution as Susan has been supporting this site and making up the slack for the last 20 years. It is imperative we keep this information available. Please, please, please enlist us if you have any questions. There are some pretty awesome people here. I hope you come for the info and stay for the comradery.   

I think I should make it clear that I definitely was not referring to anyone on this site being weird or inappropriate. I have found this to be a safe and welcoming place to be able to talk openly.

My point was aimed at other sites where they are promoted as trans friendly friendly  place to meet others but turn out to be nothing more than sex websitesvu

We know what you mean. You are right, many of the other sites do get a little raunchy. We try not to and if it is reported, it will be edited or deleted. Anyhoo... Welcome.

Sorry don't know what happened there.

So these turn out to be sex sites where it's generally guys with fetishes. I've obviously not engaged  which led to my initial post.

I do really appreciate everyone's suggestions but until I'm out I don't think I'll be able to go to the meetings locally as it would just be very difficult to attend due to work and home.  I probably niaively thought I could easily get in touch with other trans women over email and then get trust and confidence to meet up locally in the hope that I could overcome my fears about coming out.

Anyway I'm always the optimist so I'm sure that it'll all turn out good.

Megan x

Quote from: CallmeMegan on June 07, 2018, 05:34:18 AMI probably niaively thought I could easily get in touch with other trans women over email and then get trust and confidence to meet up locally in the hope that I could overcome my fears about coming out.

Right here on Susan's Place, you are probably in the best place on the Internet to get in touch with other trans women.  Quite a few members have arranged meetups.  And certainly, coming out, and dealing with the fears surrounding it, is one of the biggest topics of discussion here.

Hello CallmeMegan and TsukiCat

Nice to meet some more UK Members of Susans.

Emma has already informed of "UK Meetup" thread; I just thought you may also wish to read and comment if you wish on "Where in the UK are you" thread here on Transgender Talk Board dated 1June.

Hugs yo you both

Pamela 

Pamela

I'll definitely add to the Where in the UK board. And I'm aiming to meet up with some of you started meet up soon.

Thanks for pointing mein the right direction

Megan x

You could also check out some of the LGBT groups on the 'Meetup' app/network. Even though not Trans* specific, they should be largely accepting and supportive. The 'comming out' experience is often a very common one.

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Quote from: nightingale95 on June 06, 2018, 09:46:31 PM
Why not befriend some cis women? They are far easier to find and won't creep on you like men do.

@nightingale95:   In my personal experience certainly not all men, in fact most men will not creep on you.   there are still nice upstanding gentlemen out there.... to be sure however, there are creeps out there, both men and women.

I have been full-time for over a year and a half since December 2016.   Since I relocated here as a woman and started my own business as a woman and I now live in a very small conservative town and I am the only trans-woman that most of the townspeople have ever met or even know about. I have made a concerted effort to make friends and be friends with men and women alike. 

I came out full-time more than a year and half ago and I belong to an all cis-women book club (7 members) and I am a part of a weekly girls-gym group of 5 or 6 women.  I also have quite a few male friends and business clients as well
.   
Having friends and building friendships is usually what one makes of it.  If one wants friends, be friendly, be the first to say hello and introduce yourself and if that goes well a brief conversation can be started and beyond that possible friendships are built.
That is what has always worked for me, even before I transitioned,  being friendly to start with and a big smile usually disarms most people that I approach.
Danielle

I've never had anyone creep on me, but I'm also looking for friends \o/ Feel free to chat with me if you want!

Obviously ladies what we have to be on the look out for are the "->-bleeped-<-s" ... the very few guys that for whatever reason want to hit on trans-women ......   definitely they are the definition of creepy.
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on June 07, 2018, 04:13:51 PM
@nightingale95:   In my personal experience certainly not all men, in fact most men will not creep on you.   there are still nice upstanding gentlemen out there.... to be sure however, there are creeps out there, both men and women.

I have been full-time for over a year and a half since December 2016.   Since I relocated here as a woman and started my own business as a woman and I now live in a very small conservative town and I am the only trans-woman that most of the townspeople have ever met or even know about. I have made a concerted effort to make friends and be friends with men and women alike. 

I came out full-time more than a year and half ago and I belong to an all cis-women book club (7 members) and I am a part of a weekly girls-gym group of 5 or 6 women.  I also have quite a few male friends and business clients as well
.   
Having friends and building friendships is usually what one makes of it.  If one wants friends, be friendly, be the first to say hello and introduce yourself and if that goes well a brief conversation can be started and beyond that possible friendships are built.
That is what has always worked for me, even before I transitioned,  being friendly to start with and a big smile usually disarms most people that I approach.
Danielle

I didn't mean to imply that all men are creeps. I was responding to the OP's concern with not being able to meet any trans women and somehow only drawing to the attention of unsavory male-folks.

Quote from: nightingale95 on June 07, 2018, 05:56:19 PM
I didn't mean to imply that all men are creeps. I was responding to the OP's concern with not being able to meet any trans women and somehow only drawing to the attention of unsavory male-folks.

@nightingale95 :   Of course, I knew that you did not imply that, I just wanted to make certain the readers of this thread understand that it is the creepy actions of the few that spoil it for everyone.  As I stated in my brief followup post reply, for trans-women, it is the male (and some female) "->-bleeped-<-s" that we need to be aware of and avoid.  The ->-bleeped-<-s for whatever reason seem to want to hit on trans-women and for certain they are not looking for a meaningful relationship.
Thanks for replying to my comment.
Danielle

Total weirdo here.  :laugh:

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on June 07, 2018, 06:09:17 PM
@nightingale95 :   Of course, I knew that you did not imply that, I just wanted to make certain the readers of this thread understand that it is the creepy actions of the few that spoil it for everyone.  As I stated in my brief followup post reply, for trans-women, it is the male (and some female) "->-bleeped-<-s" that we need to be aware of and avoid.  The ->-bleeped-<-s for whatever reason seem to want to hit on trans-women and for certain they are not looking for a meaningful relationship.
Thanks for replying to my comment.
Danielle

It's not just ->-bleeped-<-s, though. I'd just say be careful because just by virtue being women we are at an increased risk of sexual harassmant/assault and rape. I made the mistake of meeting up with a man I met online and naively agreeing to stay in my car with him by his very isolated home. We began to fool around some and he proceeded to repeatedly pressure me into engaging in unprotected sex with him, despite me telling him "no." The evening ended with me calling everything off and telling him I had to leave. Fortunately, he allowed me.

It's situations like this that even cis women are prone to that we need to watch out for, especially if these are online folks we are meeting with. As trans women we know that the outcomes to these situations can end very tragically if we're not careful.

Maybe I'm a little harsh towards men but past experiences have made me more guarded towards them.

Stay safe 🖤

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and input. I know all guys aren't creeps...I used to be a fully fledged member of that group and I wasn't a creep...I don't think lol.

I think the point I was trying to make in my original post is that as soon as you identify to some that you are trans that all they want to do is perv on you and not even try to firm any kind of conversation. To be honest I was seeking contact from other trans women so that I could chat or meet to share experiences but I seem to have drawn out the opposite.

At least I can say that by posting this experience here that I now know how caring and willing the people on Susan's site are and for that I am truly grateful.

Megan x

People are so quick to label someone a "->-bleeped-<-" but it does us all a disservice.

As a community we push to not have people reduce us to a one word label.

Then we show we're willing to do it ourselves.

Sad.

There are men who are legitimately attracted to trans women, not as a fetish but as their primary choice of mate. How is that a bad thing?

The creeps are out there but they are out there for all women and trans men and probably gay men as well, though I can't say for sure about that. There was a trans guy where I used to work that actually got groped by a guy. I have been groped at work and my sister I know has been groped at work. I think that online "groping" is probably even easier for the more predatory men. It is rampant in the gaming community that is for sure. As for online dating, it has to be difficult, or at the very least annoying, for any woman. It is way too much for me, I had clearly stated that I was trans and I am sure that it kept some men away but every time I have done it I got flooded with responses and the creeps are always the most forward. They are not all bad men on those sites but the bad ones are so aggressive that it it can be hard to get past them. Really though, it was just ridiculous. I couldn't keep up with the guys who wrote multi sentence replies that seemed on the up and up. For every one of those there were at least 10 that that their best line was Hi, or Hey beautiful or We should hook up. For all of those there were probably 20 that just hit like on your profile.

Went afield there. 😊 There are sites were we can meet friends, like here. I have a couple that I met on a cooking/recipe forum with no fear creeps. But for trans friends, here is good or local groups.

Quote from: Devlyn on June 08, 2018, 11:35:15 AM
People are so quick to label someone a "->-bleeped-<-" but it does us all a disservice.

As a community we push to not have people reduce us to a one word label.

Then we show we're willing to do it ourselves.

Sad.

I am not afraid to call disrespectful people who think I'm a sex toy "->-bleeped-<-", though I am careful in my application of the term. I reserve it only for those who warrant it.

A straight man asked if he could "s**k my d***" and told me he was looking for "hot trans girls" specifically. ->-bleeped-<-.

Not all such people are so forward, or so rude. Some are actually quite polite. I would not be so derisive towards them, though I would strongly encourage them to rethink their views.

It is no different than the men who would oggle my rear end or catcall me publicly. They are desiring me for my body and not my humanity. They are chauvinists.

I have known good straight men and have been with good straight men. They are not hard to find and are very much a testament to how progressive our culture has become.

But misogyny endures, and the men who perpetuate that need to be called out.

It's like the advice I give my own daughter. If you don't want fleas don't lie down with the dogs. I found in my life most of the bad juju is discovered around bars. I've never been pursued as a woman so I don't really know. But I have hung out at what we called Meat Markets back in the day. Redondo Beach Red Onion for example. My friends took me for my bachelor party because they knew I could have one last one night stand.

I'm also in the UK and fairly new to this, but I'm out to the majority of my friends and my team at work. The experience has been really positive and I feel better for it, no need to pretend with my friends and less worry about being noticed at work. There are risks and that first time is really scary but it does get easier.

My main suggestion would be to pick who you come out to vary carefully and then go for it, with one person in a location where you can leave if you're uncomfortable. The friends I came out to first were gay and BI, they have experienced coming out and I felt would be more accepting because of it. They introduced me to their friends. Just be clear about your boundaries. I've been asked about having sex, said it's not what I'm looking for and the conversation moved on. You will lose some friends and who may be a surprise, but it's worth it in the long run if it's what you want.

As an alternative, maybe try your local LGBT network and make new friends.

I'm pretty busy, but if you want to message me I will reply.