Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have several questions about the experience of gender identity and gender dysphoria as I'm trying to puzzle it out and having trouble with the emotions due my minor autism spectrum disorder.
Firstly, how does one experience gender? What are the perspectives, thoughts, behaviors, etc. that are associated with being a part of one's gender?
Second, many people have told me that their experience of beginning social and/or medical transition was in terms of transition or suicide, but I feel that if I were to not transition in any way I could persist, albeit unhappily, are there others who feel the same? Should transition only be considered as an alternative to suicide? I recently read "And She Was," by Jessica Verdi, which makes a big deal of the mother having considered transition the only alternative to suicide.
Third, still more people have told me that the experience of being transgender pre-transition is not a statement of 'I want to be a different sex,' but rather 'I am a different gender and my sex is wrong.' I am male, my body is male and my mind is irrelevant in that judgement as I have no understanding of the concept of gender identity in relation to myself, but I cannot see myself as female though I desperately wish I were a woman and think I would feel more comfortable and more confident is myself and my appearance if I were and looked like one, however this leads me to the question of whether or not that constitutes gender dysphoria or simply a desire to feel attracted to myself/body dysmorphic disorder. My mother brings up the question of whether I would rather be in an unattractive out of shape female body or a fit male body to attempt to determine whether my question is a matter of gender or a matter of feeling attractive, and I'm not sure how to answer that. What are the thoughts about this.
I would greatly appreciate any input anyone who asked themselves similar questions can provide.

Hi Kohn, I've struggled with thoughts similar to yours, specifically "Third, still more people have told me that the experience of being transgender pre-transition is not a statement of 'I want to be a different sex,' but rather 'I am a different gender and my sex is wrong.'" The basis of my current feelings is "I want to be male." I want to have a male body, a male name, and be referred to using male pronouns. When I picture myself as a male, I feel more confident in myself, more right. I want to be a boy and date/be intimate with other boys. Dating/being intimate as a girl feels wrong. I suppose in that case I both want to be a different sex and I am a different gender and my sex is wrong. I don't know if that helps or not >.<' (By the way, I also have a minor autism spectrum disorder, but it's on the very low end ^^)

Fellow autistic trans girl, seems to be a lot of us on the spectrum. I advice seeing a gender therapist and exploring more things you can do to connect to your female. Chances are if you're questioning you're trans.

Hi, Kohn!

Welcome to Susan's.

I can relate to what you said.  I suspect that I, too, an on the autism spectrum, though I have not been diagnosed as such.

My experience of gender is that I do not "feel" it.  When I thought I was a man, I didn't "feel like" a man.  I just thought I was because that's what my parents told me when I was a kid.  Similarly, now that I know that I am a woman, I don't "feel like" a woman.  I have no idea what a being woman feels like.  Gender, to me, doesn't "feel like" anything.

Like you, my choice wasn't between transition and suicide.  I knew deep down that I would not suicide.  I would suck it up and continue in misery and eventual depression if I couldn't transition.  And contemplating that future was intolerable for me.

My experience all along was never "I am a woman" but "I wish I was a woman".  I never felt that my genitals were "wrong", but I knew I'd be so much happier with female genitals.  My experience was that I was happier when cross-dressing, even if all I did when dressed was to sit at home and read or work on the computer. 

I realize now that I never once in my life - literally never - wanted to be more masculine.  On the contrary, I always wanted to be more feminine.  Even as a man, I wanted to be a "soft" male rather than macho.  I asked my mother to teach me to bake cookies and to sew and knit.

Perhaps this is called "mild" dysphoria.  But, after 61 years, it became intolerable, so now here I am.  You sound a lot like me.

SailorMars1994 is right on the money with her suggestion to seek out a gender therapist.

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I don't think attractiveness should stand between you and your gender identity, people confuse Body Dysmorphic Disorder BDD and Gender Identity Disorder GID quite a lot.

I wrote a piece regarding my thoughts on BDD and it's amazing how much attention it receives compared to my other pieces on trans issues, sexism, racial discrimination etc. I'm still educating myself on BDD as well (so willing to learn) but as far as I can tell there is little overlap...I try and write as objectively as possible, what I observe each day.

https://medium.com/@anastasialea84/on-body-positivity-and-the-difference-between-gender-dysphoria-and-body-dysmorphia-f66698331572

https://www.instagram.com/p/BhYjPJEl8NP/?hl=en&taken-by=anastasialea9592

Hope this helps