Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello all,

Hi, I am Crist. Since I haven't posted in a while I thought of reintroducing myself.
I am trans, late twenties, assigned male, my gender is someone close to female but not all the way there. I started seeing myself as trans 4 years ago and almost just after that I have been dealing with soul crippling depression.
The usual, I guess.

I have only "half-transitioned"; started presenting female from time to time and all the people at work know I am trans. However this hasn't make me feel better and had actually make me feel worse when I am presenting male. I haven't takien hormones yet or any other procedure. I am not passable when presenting female and two of the reasons fueling my depression are the believes that "what I can do change my body won't be enough to make my life bearable" and "I will always be a fake woman and changing myself will be an insult to "real" women".

I am writing because someone naively suggested that maybe I could try masculinizing my brain, in order to feel more comfortable with being male, taking testosterone instead of feminizing my body taking estrogen. I haven't heard anything like that and I am wondering whether it has been tried before and what the results had been. I started looking some in the internet but I haven't found the right keywords yet and thought that it might be faster to ask here.

Please let me know if you know anything about it.
Thank you for your time.


Best,
Crist

Hi, Crist.

I would expect that, if you are MTF, taking T will make you feel worse.  It won't make you more comfortable with being male.  The whole thing about being trans (MTF in your case) is that your brain is female, and the male hormones that your body produces cause the dysphoria.  It is like running an engine designed for gasoline on ethanol.  It might run, but it runs badly.  HRT switches you to the right fuel, and your brain runs better.

Don't think of yourself as a "fake woman".  You are a woman, a real woman.  If you have to qualify it, then you are a trans woman, but there is nothing fake about that.  Thinking that you are fake is probably contributing to your dysphoria and depression.

 I know several people who had excellent results with testosterone. I am wondering if you are in therapy or have had your hormone levels checked? You will know pretty quickly whether it is right for you.

Hi Crist,
I have tried exactly what you mentioned. In 2015 when my trans feelings really became a distraction I tried testosterone gel via prescription. I personally found it didn't reduce my feelings of gender misalignment. In fact testosterone compounded the angst, unease & dissatisfaction. It made me feel edgy and anxious. Testosterone was a feeling of being uncomfortable.
In contrast androgen blocker + estrogen provided relief, comfort, less distraction, smiling more, better social interaction.
In fact after starting HRT I felt cured of being trans. I just felt normal in many ways.
Under a doctor's management you could try testosterone. I learnt a lot.
Hope that helps, Kirsten.

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Hi Crist,                  21 July 2018

First off, I'm an "ex-spurt" so all I can tell you is what I have experienced. "Ex-spurt" I had my nuts chopped off; in other words, I've had a Bilateral, Radical, Inguinal Orchiectomy; less traumatic than the Simple Orchiectomy.

I tried testosterone gel several years ago; didn't do a thing for me. Long story (you can find it in some of my posts) short, I started HRT 27 March 2018, orchiectomy 13 April 2018. The last time my "T" was checked it was 10 and my Estradiol was 58. I'm on Estradiol Transdermal Patches, the only HRT med I use.

Once I started HRT I began to feel happier, four days in and I was peeing better than I had in the previous 20 years. After the Orchie Aggression dissipated, I'm happier than I have ever been, have had no mood swings, boobs are making their presence visible, I wear mostly women's clothing, though once in a while I'll wear something male. I don't try to present as male or female, I'm too old and raggedy to look good as either. I only try to please myself and enjoy the confused looks on people's faces, especially men's when the look at me and see boobs on what probably appears to them as a male wearing fem colors.

If switching back and forth makes you happy, DO IT. We are under no obligation to make the general public happy. We do have an obligation to ourselves to be happy. Life is meant to be enjoyed; we only have one so live it to the fullest.

I enjoy the physical and mental changes that are taking place due to HRT and the orchie. I wouldn't go back for a million bucks; a Billion, I'd have to think about it for a few seconds. Still wouldn't go back. One thing to keep in mind, the Orchiectomy is irreversible, no turning back.

My best advice is to find a good counselor, preferably a MTF transsexual, a good Primary Physician and an Endocrinologist that has transgender experience. They will be key to your transition success and your happiness.

Hope this is of some help. I'm no expert, just a 77 year old transsexual woman that started her transition this year. It's only too late when they are shoveling dirt in your face.

Best Always, Love,
Christine

You know, I tried dressing female at home and male "in the world" for a year before I started hormones and I just felt worse and worse.

My baseline labs before I started HRT showed my T levels at 700, on the high side of normal for a 53 year old male.  I really don't think having more would have made me feel better.

Starting HRT resolved very long running anxiety, panic and high blood pressure issues, but—after that week I took off from work to start HRT ended, I had to put the man suit back on and go back to being him out in the world.  That brought back the panic attacks, but at about 20% of their prior intensity.

I had some rough times waiting out the HRT until I got my name and gender change papers (I work in the courts; I could not use my true name or present in my true gender on the court record until my papers matched up.

Changing everything and being completely out fixed everything.  I recently found out just how much anxiety wearing male clothing caused when my wife were in a resort town for a weekend.  She found out on Facebook that he was there too and wanted to meet up.  We had to run to TJ Maxx and buy some male clothes for me and I had to spend an evening butched up—which left me in a state of extreme irritability and anxiety.

Look at my photo.  I don't pass, but Thanks to the magic of the hormones, I radiate so much femininity that I am perceived as female by just about everyone other than folks who knew me before transition.  I'm cute and friendly enough to get over with just about everyone I meet, and life is fun being me —so much better than being him.

Stop worrying about whether you will be passable.  Passability is not relevant.  Becoming your true self and letting your inner light shine is all that matters.

Hugs, Carly

It won't work. Before I started HRT my testosterone levels were near the top of the normal range. Yet the dysphoria was horrible.   Lowering it brought the dysphoria under control.


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Quote from: Crist on July 21, 2018, 10:39:39 AM

...someone naively suggested that maybe I could try masculinizing my brain, in order to feel more comfortable with being male, taking testosterone instead of feminizing my body taking estrogen. I haven't heard anything like that and I am wondering whether it has been tried before and what the results had been.

Please let me know if you know anything about it.

I produced plenty of Testosterone naturally for over 50 years. It did pump up my muscles and make me mentally aggressive and stupid in a normal male sort of way, but it did nothing for my gender dysphoria.

For AMAB, taking Testosterone by prescription will cause your own bodies production of Testosterone to decrease.  If it did "cure" the dysphoria, I am sure someone would have tried this before. I can find no reports of positive results.

I have had a high testosterone for quite some time. And it doesn't go away. It's not the hormones that are effecting your gender.

Thank you all for the responses, sharing your experiences and words of encouragement.

VA,

Quote from: Virginia on July 21, 2018, 03:26:16 PM
I know several people who had excellent results with testosterone. I am wondering if you are in therapy or have had your hormone levels checked? You will know pretty quickly whether it is right for you.

You mentioned that you now several people that had excellent results (just to make sure, they were MTF right?). What have they experienced? Do you know where I can learn more about it.
I have actually being in therapy for a while and my current psychologist is willing to right me a letter for me to start normal HRT. I already have an endocrinologist but I haven't had my hormone levels checked yet.

Best,
Crist

They were transgender MAAB who experienced symptoms of gender dysphoria but were unsure whether they were male or female, Crist. Testosterone made their maleness clear for them. They were not people who knew they were MTF and used testosterone as an alternative to transitioning to live as women to treat their gender dysphoria.

Quote from: Crist on July 21, 2018, 10:39:39 AM
"I will always be a fake woman"




So?  Why define your life by the way other people perceive you? You do you.  There's no shame.  You were born this way.

"and changing myself will be an insult to "real" women".




Some women feel this way some don't. Big deal. See above.

Quote from: Crist on July 21, 2018, 10:39:39 AM

I am writing because someone naively suggested that maybe I could try masculinizing my brain, in order to feel more comfortable with being male, taking testosterone instead of feminizing my body taking estrogen. I haven't heard anything like that and I am wondering whether it has been tried before and what the results had been.

This describes a classic textbook phase of the pre-transition transgender person.  It's called the "Overcompensation Phase."  Psychology calls it "Bargaining."

We've all been there, whether it be lifting weights to bulk up, taking testoserone to become more male, getting married and having kids because she'll change you or being a father will change you,  joining the military,  becoming a marine or a navy seal,  or some other hyper-masculine occupation.  Or just acting tough and macho in order to "fool" all the other people around us. All in a vain attempt to try an be "normal."  Spoiler alert:  there is no normal.   It's a fiction. 
It's all been tried before and the results are regret for not being honest with ourself in the first place.  But it is all, at bottom,  an attempt to avoid the inevitable.  These feelings NEVER go away.  They just get stronger with aging.

Hi Folks,                     23 July 2018

Need a bit of help; what do these mean:  AMAB, and   MAAB

I haven't a clue or a reasonable guess.

Thanks in advance.

Best Always, Love,
Christine

Quote from: christinej78 on July 23, 2018, 01:31:07 PM
Hi Folks,                     23 July 2018

Need a bit of help; what do these mean:  AMAB, and   MAAB

I haven't a clue or a reasonable guess.

Thanks in advance.

Best Always, Love,
Christine

Hi Christine,

It is Assigned male at birth and male assigned at birth.

Best,
Crist

People with xy chromosomes almost always fall into this category.

So this is kinda of topic but for some reason when I read the title rather than seeing the word estrogen I saw the word energon and was like 'what how did transformers get into this?'
I reread it and realized what the post is actually about. :laugh:

Quote from: Crist on July 23, 2018, 01:41:57 PM

Hi Christine,

It is Assigned male at birth and male assigned at birth.

Best,
Crist

Hi Crist,                23 July 2018

Thanks for the info; I now have additional info as I progress through my transition.

Best Always, Love,
Christine

Hi Crist   i tryed doing the whole takeing testosterone booster and gym workouts as my wife suggested it mite help make me feel better   this was a few years back  all i ended up with was mpb no mussles  and felt worse than ever about myself
I hope this helps but maybe things are different for you

Xxx
Chloe

Hello Crist,

I tried the testosterone injection plan for a couple of years. My time in the gym made me stronger than I had ever been and produced a very fit male body. My endurance increased and allowed me very high bicycle mileage years. It did not relieve anxiety or aggression but it did add to my body hair that is frightfully slow at going away. After only a little while on T blockers and estrogen I found the peace of mind and heart that the macho stuff only frustrated. For me, no question about it, testosterone took me down the wrong path and e brought me home.

Tia Anne

Gender identity and sexual preference are set at birth and can't be altered. What is possible is that it might not be fully explored. A example would be a person discovering that they are transgender or perhaps bisexual after years of assuming otherwise. Testosterone isn't likely to change what you feel and the odds are when your levels are tested, they will fall somewhere in the normal range. More isn't always better.

If I may just interject my unique viewpoint here:
I am a person who does not produce ANY major hormones naturally and have not done for decades. Therfore I suppliment all my hormonal needs with HRT (not just T or E, but everything - 14 individual drugs a day!). This fact and the nerdy scientific brain I have means that experimentation on the psychological effects of hormones is a reality for me.
I have had full cis-male T levels. I have had full cis-female E levels. I have even been in the position where I had high T in the morning and high E in the evening for months (It is a long story, just know I have the blood tests to prove this!).
The conclusion to these experiments was that regardless of what hormone was pumping through my veins my sexuality and my gender did not falter. My thought processes, my emotions, well yes they were toned to a degree, but my actual sexuality and gender was always a constant. Even in the 24 hour switching, it all remained constant. (I certainly did not feel masculine in the morning and feminine at night).
So, I would suggest that you take whatever androgen best fits in with your lifestyle.....  and the reason you cannot find the correct search terms on google? is because there is no scientific evidence that can show gender is controlled by hormone type or level. I am living proof!
Hope that helps you cut through all the mis-information out there?
Sarah x

I too am an alter of a trauma based Dissociative Identity/Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD/DID) and have experienced no difference in my gender/sexuality preferences with either normal levels of male or female hormone levels. The important nuance here is that the gender/sexuality of alters is fundamental to their roles in their system. Hormones cannot affect the partitions the mind has put in place to contain trauma as it can for a singlet personalities.

I tried testosterone as well. I tried it to get on top of my desire to be a woman amongst other things.
Testosterone is interesting - especially for late onset transsexuals.
Firstly it supes up the body. Everything goes into overdrive. Restless energy exists with an increase in anxiety. Appetite goes up. Metabolism goes up. Physical strength increases but so does mental torment. Peace of mind is difficult to achieve.
I found the rat eating my guts got hungrier. 
A good night's sleep is only possible after a solid session of physical exercise.
Social anxiety ramps up. Social interaction  has less allure. Being seperate and independent becomes more attractive.

MTF HRT in contrast brings much peace of mind. Social interaction becomes attractive and fun. Daily life is more three dimensional from an emotional and sensual point of view. The angst & unease of not being a woman actually reduces. It becomes easier to communicate and relate to cis women & at the same time the imperative to cross dress is less compelling. The ability to just be. To just be happy being one's self becomes possible. Expressing oneself is also easier and more fun ( including the female self).
The gut eating rat goes away. A good night's sleep becomes normal. Light euphoria exists where there was depression .

All this convinced me that running on estrogen is a better life.

PS Anne how do you find the estrogen experience now ?

Kindest regards, Kirsten.

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I had 3 months of Testosterone shots to try as a last ditch effort to fix myself. I was sure once my levels were up then all this "nonsense" would go away...it did...kind of, but not really...but I was so angry all the time...I hated everything and everyone...I was reverting to my nasty worst and my levels increased so did my sense of feeling unwell return....as I stopped the injections I noticed over the next few weeks how much more human I felt and best of all how much happier I felt within myself, the anger began to take a back seat again....I knew that I did not need nor want any more T....I hope you can find what ever works for you....I spent so much of my life feeling horrible and guilty for who I really was that I am not playing that game anymore...we get one go around in this life and I be dammed if I will spend any more it as something I am not...Passing is as much a state of mind as anything else...how we perceive ourselves is rarely how the world sees us.

Take care

Liz

Quote from: Crist on July 21, 2018, 10:39:39 AM
I am writing because someone naively suggested that maybe I could try masculinizing my brain, in order to feel more comfortable with being male, taking testosterone instead of feminizing my body taking estrogen. I haven't heard anything like that and I am wondering whether it has been tried before and what the results had been. I started looking some in the internet but I haven't found the right keywords yet and thought that it might be faster to ask here.

@Crist , I have some experience with this.

At age 16 (1969-70) my parents and doctors tried to 'fix' me, through a series of weekly injections of testosterone for a few years.  This was combined with some scare tactics, and counseling from our local priest.

All the testosterone did was change me from a slightly effeminate A student into an angry (and hairy!) D student.  I lost the ability to concentrate on tasks, likely because of the testosterone.  This improved a bit when I left home for college and later the military and stopped the injections. 

It did NOT 'masculinize' the brain, a process that takes place primarily in the last trimester of fetal development and continues a bit after birth, setting up some sexually dimorphic regions primarily around the hypothalamus to function with a male body and primitive role.

In utero I was exposed starting at Week 10 to high levels of diethylstilbesterone (DES), a synthetic estrogen in Mom's prenatal vitamins that suppresses testosterone in the fetus among many other effects.  I likely have the more female version of the sexually dimorphic regions.

Refer to my avatar image to see just how comfortable the treatment made me as a male...   ::)

Quote from: LizK on September 24, 2018, 07:48:04 AM
I had 3 months of Testosterone shots to try as a last ditch effort to fix myself. I was sure once my levels were up then all this "nonsense" would go away...it did...kind of, but not really...but I was so angry all the time...I hated everything and everyone...I was reverting to my nasty worst and my levels increased so did my sense of feeling unwell return....as I stopped the injections I noticed over the next few weeks how much more human I felt and best of all how much happier I felt within myself, the anger began to take a back seat again....I knew that I did not need nor want any more T....I hope you can find what ever works for you....I spent so much of my life feeling horrible and guilty for who I really was that I am not playing that game anymore...we get one go around in this life and I be dammed if I will spend any more it as something I am not...Passing is as much a state of mind as anything else...how we perceive ourselves is rarely how the world sees us.

Take care

Liz

Hi LizK,
              Isn't interesting that testosterone doesn't fix anything. I can really relate to it not making the nonsense go away - it actually makes the nonsense worse!

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