Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've spent months obsessively educating myself about what to expect with HRT, have a therapist, had additional counseling through the clinic that gave me my prescription, etc... I am 100% confident transitioning is the right (and only) thing for me...

But as soon as I noticed legit changes in my body, I was like O-M-G, and felt completely thrown for a loop and panicked and afraid. Not afraid of my decision, but afraid of the unknown, of experiencing changes in my body that wouldn't be possible without science... mystified and baffled and fluttery because this is even possible at all?? Will I be okay?? (*I know HRT is safe and have read lots of studies.)

I'm also older and on a conservative dose of gel, so I wasn't expecting so many different things to happen in the first week.

It's like that moment when the rollercoaster reaches the top of the first hill, just starts to hinge forward, and you can see the massive drop...

I read today (while doing some research), that when you have surgeries it can take a while for your brain to process where these new feelings are coming from (tactile feelings), so I would imagine it's much the same with the changes you see with HRT. Your brain is like "holy crap! What is this and where did it come from?!?"


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Yeah actually, I didn't notice a lot of my changes until my family pointed them out. But boobs was the biggest because people started to notice. It still makes me scared because I don't know what it's like being female or even outwardly feminine.

I sometimes don't enjoy transitioning personally because it's a big change for me. I'll get sexually harrassed (never happened to me pre hrt) but then be misgendered by someone else.
It's an unfair world really.

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The amazing thing I got in my first weeks of HRT was my brain being synced with the brain I had in utero. I am no longer angry. I don't feel desperate anymore. Boobs are nice and as my therapist says. I have a nice rack. But really the mental healing was the best thing that happened early on. 

I found that after a lot of big changes happened it took me a while to catch up with them. My brain has to remap how stuff feels, how much strength muscles have etc and it does throw you for a loop for a while. Beginning to get used to it now fortunately.

Quote from: blackcat on August 07, 2018, 06:39:00 PM
But as soon as I noticed legit changes in my body, I was like O-M-G, and felt completely thrown for a loop and panicked and afraid. Not afraid of my decision, but afraid of the unknown, of experiencing changes in my body that wouldn't be possible without science...

Yes, I did freak out some when I first started to see and feel changes.  I also panicked but like you not because of the decision.  The decision was totally right for me.  I was nervous about how to handle things when other people start to notice and I'm in guy mode.  For me a lot of those fears faded away and the HRT process is very slow.  Maybe since I'm use to it but I don't detect the changes much.  Maybe others are seeing changes and not saying anything.  I did have a rude women tell me that I probably needed to start wearing a bra ( I was in guy mode at work)  I just jokingly told her that she should look me in the eyes and not at my chest.  People laughed at that and I think she was embarrassed.  I did make a note to not wear that tight of shirt at work anymore.

Did I have a moment of anxiety?

No, not at all. In fact the opposite of anxiety happened to me. I felt at peace with the world. All was so right and now I cannot imagine how life would be without HRT.

I will admit to some concerns about how I will be accepted after a year or two on HRT, but they were minor compared to how I felt once I started HRT. I first accepted myself, then let everyone else make their own decisions.

I know I made the right decision for me.

Like @Dani, I had no anxiety about HRT at all.  I had been jonesing for estrogen for so long (60 years) that it was a huge relief to finally begin.  I did have some concern about how I would be accepted, but it quickly dissipated with some experience presenting part-time.  Mostly what I felt was joy, a weight off my back.

I have to agree with Dani and Kathy. However, a few weeks in, my emotions kicked in. I was sooo happy to finally get on HRT that I cried happy tears all day. I'm learning to control my emotions better now but I can still cry at the drop of a hat.

Not really. I did my anxious thinking back when I first read about what the effects (and side-effects) would be - I could imagine them quite clearly, it wasn't far off the mark.

I was only surprised by the speed things happened, but that was a positive in my view. I have since just been observing the changes with a sort of scientific fascination.

The main "drop" point was when I had waited a year to get the prescription and had the can in the house waiting to be used. I waited a day or so before using it. I guess I was digesting the idea that this is a "point of no return" for irreversible biological changes that would take place when I started using it. It didn't worry me, and I had no intention of not using it, but I did need to pause for a day or so first.

Quote from: Dani on August 08, 2018, 05:15:28 AM
All was so right and now I cannot imagine how life would be without HRT.

Dani,

  I second this thought!!

Julie

Quote from: Julie -2010 on August 08, 2018, 06:28:01 PM
Dani,

  I second this thought!!

Julie

Absolutely there is no way I'm ever going back....

Hello Blackcat

I agree wholeheartedly with Dani, Kathy and Donica. Just excitement the first day the first week the first month etc. My first feeling on HRT was simple confirmation that it was right for me - I experienced a sense of inner peace. I knew early on I would be on HRT for life. Later I able to laugh and cry!

Now after 6 months I am seeing both emotional and physical changes and would NEVER stop.

Wishing you happiness on your journey.

Hugs

Pamela

Hi Blackcat,

My freak out moment was actually today. I've been on steadily increasing doses for about 8 months - it's winter here atm... spring is coming. So too are 'the girls' as a girlfriend at work pointed out. I won't be able to hide them beneath layers longer than a couple of months.

I am excited, happy, peaceful and terrified by a timeline over which I have little, if any, control. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't ever change or want to go back, but my goodness - once the roller coaster reaches her peak it seems to be hang and enjoy the ride.

I kinda knew innately that this would happen, it is nonetheless a shock.

I wouldn't call it a freakout, but I did start to worry when my breasts became noticeable because I have to workout 3 times a week wearing a PT uniform that wouldn't hide a sports bra at all. I eventually got over those fears when I noticed that my breasts stopped growing almost right away and the guys I work with have bigger breasts than I do.  :laugh: