Susan's Place Transgender Resources

It's been a while since I've been on Susan's and I just realized that the "Where are all the SOs" thread has been dormant since November. How are you all doing? Being the partner of a loving MtoF wife (we just renewed our wedding vows of a 34 year marriage) I know that becoming an SO can be a difficult place to find yourself. It concerns me that as a small group we are not doing a good enough job of supporting each other. I apologize that I only posted once and didn't follow through. Having support of others that are going through like pieces of life could have made my changes easier. What I have found through the last 9 months is that everyone needs support and I do mean everyone (SOs and transgenders) especially if we want our relationships to work. Lets keep our conversations going.

<raising hand>

Transgender SO of a transgender woman signing in.  :)

Quote from: Devlyn on August 16, 2018, 03:47:25 PM
<raising hand>

Transgender SO of a transgender woman signing in.  :)

Awww snap! X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Separated after 26 years but we split everything equally and are best friends now. Both so very happy with this as we were going to do harm to each other maybe. And she talks to me properly now - as an equal  (I never asked for anything other than that though). Lots of help and stuff. Going out with her en-femme soon as well. My makeup is better than hers though as is my dress sense, or so she says... pity my figure doesn't match the dresses...
She is still my SO (sort of) for the time being but will always be my best friend.
We now live 3 minutes walk away from each other and visit every other day.

Katie

:angel:

Hi Katie Jade, your post shows the each relationship is as unique as the individuals in it. I'm glad to hear that in working through you and your SO came through as friends.

Quote from: Katie Jade on August 16, 2018, 06:01:15 PM
Separated after 26 years but we split everything equally and are best friends now. Both so very happy with this as we were going to do harm to each other maybe. And she talks to me properly now - as an equal  (I never asked for anything other than that though). Lots of help and stuff. Going out with her en-femme soon as well. My makeup is better though as is my dress since so she says... pity my figure doesn't match the dresses...
He is still my SO (sort of) for the time being but will always be my best friend.
We now live 3 minutes walk away from each other and visit every other day.

Katie

:angel:

One of my biggest fears as I watched my partner transition was the question "who am I?" and how will the fact that he is changing to she, change me, or will it? The answer to the second part has been yes, to make our relationship work I too had to transition and it has been a hard place to go but also a very sweet place. I see how much I have grown and been stretched by all the changes and I feel we are both in a better place in this crazy relationship we have. As for the "Who am I?" question, it's a work in progress.

I'm still here, still struggling on with the early days. I agree that it is every bit as much a transition for the SOs. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, but I'm determined to stick around.
Syl

Cis male SO checking in

Supporting Kendra during her transition and recuperation has been a beautiful growing closer together

Hi Sylvia, I commend your determined resilience. Sometimes that is the only thing that gets us through.

Quote from: Saha on August 17, 2018, 09:11:29 AM
Cis male SO checking in

Supporting Kendra during her transition and recuperation has been a beautiful growing closer together

Kudos for that Saha,  as you know we all love Kendra here, well done for being so supportive in her time of need.


Luv n Hugz (both of you)

Katie

:angel: :angel: :angel: :o :o :angel: :angel: :-* :-* :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel:

I have a trans so and am also trans and she has been giving me lots of supposed as I am recovering from gcs and I think it is making her reconsider, just seeing the physical pain and complications I have had, I just hope I am not stressing her by being as needy as I am but sometimes it really hurts to get up.

Quote from: Katie Jade on August 17, 2018, 05:35:38 PM
Kudos for that Saha,  as you know we all love Kendra here, well done for being so supportive in her time of need.


Luv n Hugz (both of you)

Katie

:angel: :angel: :angel: :o :o :angel: :angel: :-* :-* :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel:

Ditto

Quote from: Hikari on August 18, 2018, 02:47:45 AM
I have a trans so and am also trans and she has been giving me lots of supposed as I am recovering from gcs and I think it is making her reconsider, just seeing the physical pain and complications I have had, I just hope I am not stressing her by being as needy as I am but sometimes it really hurts to get up.

Hikari, you are in a really tough place right now in dealing with the pain and feeling compassion for where your SO is at and how she is dealing with watching you go through all of this. Your partner doubt's about her having surgery could be coming from seeing your pain. Once you get past the pain and into your new normal she will be able to make her choice on surgery based on what she truly desires and not on the process that she has been privy to watching. I remember all the concern I felt for my wife as she had gcs 11 months ago. Time is the healer and once the pain lessened a normalcy of life returned to our relationship but working through the healing time we found that we needed to just hold on as tightly as we could to one another. It is not the time to be making life changing decisions. Hang in there and know that there are people out here who are cheering you on.

Thank you  Katie Jade and Debi

She is an amazing woman

Hi All,

I haven't been on this thread for a few weeks and just thought I should check in. How is everyone doing? Tia and I are on our honeymoon and have been visiting Canada. We are now back in the USA and are starting our travels down the eastern coast. We are visiting with folks from Susan's as we travel. The computer is with me so if anyone wants to talk just jump on and I will get back to you by nightfall.

Debi

Hi!  I've been in the chat room lots and lots, but haven't posted here.  I'm the cisSO of a spouse that is likely still deciding what gender she is.  We've gone through non-binary, female, and are at gender fluid right now.  I came on here learning how to be more supportive and get through this, but unfortunately the personality changes that came with her revelation have made our marriage collapse. 

That said, I've made a lot of good friends here and learned a lot!  And we are a poorly understood group that needs more of a voice, don't we...

Hiya confusedfairy, and welcome to Susan's Place! xx

I'm sorry to hear things aren't so smooth on the homefront, but hopefully there'll be a resolution you can both be happier with. Either way, I'm glad you found this place! Best wishes always!

Hi Confusedfairy,
I am sorry to hear of your problems with your relationship. I admit that I checked out your first post to the site to find out a little more about your situation. Different stages of life call for different types of advice and you and I are at different places of life. My partner is 70 and I am 65 and had been together for 30 years before she even realized she was a she. I would of had the same feelings you did if all the changes happened in our 30s. It is different at our stage of life. That said I want you to know you are not alone. I do know from personal experience that being part of a transgender couple changes both people and whether the relationship lasts or not you must still deal with the changes that have happened to you. Some of my most upsetting time was when my partner was trying to figure out who and what she was. It was then that I came to the realization that I needed to answer the question "who am I" as part of this couple but more importantly as the individual that I am. So often the SO is seen as a side show secondary to what is happening to the person who is "transitioning". Please do not fall in to that trap. You are both in transition. Hers/his might be more visible, but yours are very much as real from the emotional side. Even without transgender issues, life is change! Your life, your emotions, your thoughts, your being is as important as everyone else. This is a place you can come to ask questions or vent emotions or tell your story. Sometimes telling your story is what it takes to help yourself figure out what your next steps are. Hope you will come back here to share. The door is always open.

Debi, the shorter of the two brides

I appreciate all the support!  I've traveled the SO forums on other websites and it's mostly doom and gloom (and in many cases, understandably so), so it's nice to see some happy endings. 

What gets me, and likely will continue to irritate me about this situation:  people outside of our marriage frequently do not understand that our marriage did NOT collapse because I couldn't handle her transition.  I didn't get much chance to try!  She hasn't even started HRT yet (that I'm aware of.)

I would love to vent on here about my marriage but thanks to legal proceedings, really shouldn't. 

So I will ask this:
Anybody else irritated by people who seem to think your SO can just magically stop being transgender, and that this would solve all of your life's worries? 

I'm still here.

Confusedfairy - sorry to hear things are not working out for you. I know you from the 'other' forum. I had hoped you'd be able to work things out.

'Anybody else irritated by people who seem to think your SO can just magically stop being transgender, and that this would solve all of your life's worries?  '

No, because no one else knows. However, there have been many, many times I've wished, hoped and prayed with all my heart (and I'm not into religion) that he could magically stop being transgender, or at least be wrong about it...of course I know that can't happen.

Hugs to all.

Quote from: Sylvia on September 02, 2018, 12:12:14 PM...<snip>... there have been many, many times I've wished, hoped and prayed with all my heart (and I'm not into religion) that he could magically stop being transgender, or at least be wrong about it...of course I know that can't happen ...<snip>...

This is important. As accepting and supportive as my wife is, aside from preferring that it all go away, she still has trouble grasping the mental difference between me being a ''feminine male' or being a woman. I do not say 'want to be' .. my brain IS. It is very hard to explain the difference, at least for me. I've tried multiple approaches and she kind of gets it but I have to wonder if sometimes she just agrees for my sake while still not quite grasping the difference.

Faith: Sorry that you feel like your wife just won't understand.  She may begin to come close to understanding it with time, but one thing I've realized, and tried to explain to transfolks, is that cisfolks try to understand, but being trans is simply not a concept we can fully fathom.  I can intellectually understand that you felt like your body was absolutely wrong, and there were parts that just had to go because they didn't belong, but to feel it in my bones the way you do?  I haven't found a cis equivalent that comes close to what transpeople describe.  In fact, if you find an equivalent, it would help. 

At first I was horrified by the anatomical changes my spouse described wanting.  How could she want to get rid of pieces of herself that I loved, and had lots of good memories with?  To me, they were as much a part of her as anything else was, and I would certainly lose something if they were gone.  At this point, the idea goes down a bit easier, but it didn't make emotional sense to me either, at least at first.   

For me what other people thought about who we were/are and how they reacted to the way I was dealing with our "problem" was difficult to deal with. If I could say that I was good with the situation then whoever asked the question could walk away feeling like it must be ok or that I was crazy and I deserved wherever my relationship with a transgender person was going to take me. The problem was that if I was having a "I need to vent day" I had no one other then my spouse to chew on. Not a good place to go with venting. What it all came down to is that one day I found I had worked the problems out in my head and it no longer mattered to me what other people thought or even had to say on the matter. It was all about me and not them anyway. That was about the same time that I started answering the question "who am I?" I am very sorry that your relationship fell apart. Sometimes we have to be strong not only for ourselves but for our partner also and sometimes they just won't let us. One person can set a fuse to a marriage but it always takes two to put it back together.
Know that there are people here who hold you in high regard and we are cheering you on in this race that you didn't ask to be in but are having to run anyway. The highways of life are almost never straight.
Debi

Debi and the rest of the gang, I really do appreciate all the support.  I'm genuinely at a loss as to how to fix this situation, and I guess it's exactly as Debi says: it takes two to fix this situation, and although I've tried, I can't do the work for both of us. 

Today is my son's birthday, and I can't let yet another incident make me gloomy today.  Hopefully the gloomy feeling will pass when my family comes. 

You go girl. Enjoy your son's birthday and family time with all you are!

Quote from: confusedfairy on September 02, 2018, 01:52:32 PM
being trans is simply not a concept we can fully fathom.  I can intellectually understand that you felt like your body was absolutely wrong, and there were parts that just had to go because they didn't belong, but to feel it in my bones the way you do?  I haven't found a cis equivalent that comes close to what transpeople describe.  In fact, if you find an equivalent, it would help. 

Tia equates it to trying to explain what the color purple is to a blind person. What it comes down to is that this is something that if you haven't experienced it you just can't comprehend it. You can empathize with, you can feel for,  hurt for, cry for, or be joyful for, but you just can't understand.

' she still has trouble grasping the mental difference between me being a ''feminine male' or being a woman'

Yes, Faith, absolutely. I think I am only coping with this by thinking of him as a feminised version of the person I loved. I just can't actually think of him as a woman, not really. Maybe he's a bit different, but he doesn't actually think of himself as a woman either. Not yet, anyway. Maybe he is fooling himself? Who knows. He's the only transwoman I've come across who doesn't want to use a female name or female pronouns- is that unusual? He likes his 'femininity' being internal - as in the breasts, changed body shape, hairlessness. He doesn't care what other people see, as long as he 'knows' he has the female aspects he wanted. Does that make sense?

Sylvia, it makes perfect sense. I still have bad dysphoria, however, just having breasts that I can look down and see makes a huge difference. For me, I wish that were enough. I think in our situation it would be easier if I could stay the 'old me' on the outside while hidden under articles of clothing is the 'real me'.  If knowing the changes are there without having them 'on display' is enough for him, that's great.

I've spent my life wanting more, no matter what I had, I wanted more .. just one more thing. Nothing was quite enough. Now with these changes, I want more. But it's different this time. Lori say, "You've always wanted more". I cannot disagree. This time though .. I need more. I can tell the difference, she cannot.

Don't mistake me, Lori is my rock and she's supportive and helpful beyond any expectation that I could have or have any right to. However, she still prefers old me. I cannot fault her that, I understand completely. Someday over time perhaps we can get to the 'same thing only different' stage where's she's just as happy with new me as she was with old me. I can only hope at this point.

I suppose I should state, she prefers 'old me' in looks. My mood improvements, overall more relaxed and happy, and other emotional/personality type changes she is quite happy with. Although, she still finds it odd when I break down and cry. A role reversal she wasn't expecting :D Me doing dishes and laundry without prompt or second thought came as a surprise, for both of us. I even make the bed in the morning (except when she's still in it). I can't stand to see it all wadded up.

I'm digressing

Take care,
Faith

'A role reversal she wasn't expecting :D Me doing dishes and laundry without prompt or second thought came as a surprise, for both of us. I even make the bed in the morning (except when she's still in it). I can't stand to see it all wadded up.'

No role reversal here, I rather hoped he'd suddenly want to do all the cooking. However, he's always been tidy and and always done housework/laundry etc.

Personality wise? He is much nicer and we are much closer, but I can't put that down to the HRT, as much as down to finally working out what had been 'wrong' with him all his 60 years. So he's been much better and much happier in the two or three years since his self-discovery. He has made a huge effort himself to be more patient, kinder and empathetic. This was WAY before the patches.

well, you broke up the sentence a bit different than I meant when I typed it, but that's OK :)

Quoteshe still finds it odd when I break down and cry. A role reversal she wasn't expecting

I prefer having Tia as my partner over the guy that she was. "He" has shown up a couple of times when Tia couldn't deal with a situation and I did not like that person at all. I think the reason is because when he stepped in he was an angry old man who had left all of Tia's personality hidden deep inside. Before we knew about Tia the personality was a blend of the she/he and I have found that the characteristics that drew me in the first place were the sensitivity and caring. OK, I will admit that I liked his body and all that implies but when Tia showed up I realized I gained way more benefits of relationship then I gave up. My Mother calls Tia delightful, not a word she would ever use to describe him. (Though she loved him as well.)

Aww...it's so sweet to hear stories where people's relationships legitimately grew and improved from this process.  I have a coworker that is a transman that I was talking to about my marriage today, and thought about how much effort both sides have to put in to keep a marriage alive through this process (unless some folks are just especially lucky and get through this painlessly?) 

Meanwhile I sit here wondering who my spouse really was on the inside: the person of today, or the person I *thought* I married?  Or perhaps somewhere in between?

Confused fairy, it is definitely work and takes time. It was an adjustment for me when my spouse came out as genderfluid. You get comfortable in your marriage and think everything is going to be the same as it is today and then the next moment you know things have completely changed from what you were used to in some ways. Now I'm used it and both my spouse and I are closer together than we were before. It just depends I suppose on everyones situation and not all are going to be alike and in fact many won't be a like. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Sylvia on September 04, 2018, 06:25:09 AM
' she still has trouble grasping the mental difference between me being a ''feminine male' or being a woman'

Yes, Faith, absolutely. I think I am only coping with this by thinking of him as a feminised version of the person I loved. I just can't actually think of him as a woman, not really. Maybe he's a bit different, but he doesn't actually think of himself as a woman either. Not yet, anyway. Maybe he is fooling himself? Who knows. He's the only transwoman I've come across who doesn't want to use a female name or female pronouns- is that unusual? He likes his 'femininity' being internal - as in the breasts, changed body shape, hairlessness. He doesn't care what other people see, as long as he 'knows' he has the female aspects he wanted. Does that make sense?

We experience dysphoria differently. For some of us, it's the appearance of our body. For others it's social and the way we are treated in society. It's possible to have some of each and then one may be more important than the other. It appears that your husband is primarily body though after that is under control, it's possible some of the social need might come out.

Good morning All,
I'm sitting at a table of wonderful new friends home on a very rainy day in Maryland. For those of you who don't know, Tia and I are doing our honeymoon road trip down the east coast meeting with family and new friends, who we made on Susan's Place. ( If you are interested you can look us up under Debi and Tia's Grand Wedding Adventure). Anyway in a conversation with Tia, Moni, Ann and myself we discussed how the transition is as hard on the SOs as it can be on the partner who is transitioning. I think one trap of this is that as SOs we can become so wrapped up in what our partners are going through and doing, we forget who we are as individuals. So my question for all you SOs is: What do you want to do or accomplish for yourself in the next year?


My own answer is that I write poetry and I would like to have a collection of my poems published. How about some of the rest of you?


Debi

Oh gosh, Debi, I have trouble even thinking about the next couple of months, never mind next year! I know that we should all look after ourselves, and make our own plans etc - all the therapists have said that - but I can't even motivate myself to take exercise! OH suggested a holiday for next summer, and to be honest, just thinking that far ahead freaked me out. Not because I don't think we'll be together, but the thought of how many other things will have changed by then! It scares me.
So sorry, I guess I can't think of anything I want to achieve, other than just to keep my head above water, keep my job, keep my family together, try and have some fun, and just survive without having a mental breakdown. That's the best I can do. I can't even imagine having any sense of happiness and contentment ever again. Life has been turned upside down.

Oh, and the best of luck with the poetry!

Sylvia, It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I would say that a number of things you mentioned could be considered things that could help build happiness. I hope that many of them go the way you would like them to.

Debi

Quote from: Debi on September 08, 2018, 12:14:59 PM
So my question for all you SOs is: What do you want to do or accomplish for yourself in the next year?

Hmmm... work my way out of depression, regain my confidence, recover my business, stop sleeping so much, get my canoe actually IN the water by next year, and be as upbeat as you are!

Sorry. Like Sylvia, I am not ready yet for any grander ambitions ;-)

Goals: I like it!
So far: 
1. Be successful at work, which somehow seems to relate to looking the part, interestingly enough.

2. Figure out who I am once again.  So easy to get lost in things, just like all of you are saying. 

3. Appreciate the small good moments of the day. 

Also: anybody else reassess themselves in this process and wind up changing their look, or working harder on what they look like?  I ended up cutting my hair just to keep from looking ragged, but discovered that it ended up changing how people viewed me. 

I have been trying to make it a point to look decent, just to remind myself of I don't know what.   

To Gallinarosa and Confused Fairy, I think both of you have set some good goals toward moving forward. We encourage you to find ourselves.

Debi

Small good moments of the day that the kids creating them probably don't realize mean a lot to me: This is only my second year teaching, and I have a few students from last year that have been coming to visit me regularly.  Others give me big smiles when they see me.  Given the events of late, those kids, plus the friends I've made on these websites have meant a lot to me. 

I guess my next mission will be figuring out how to explain to said kids that I'm getting divorced, if at all- my administration seems to think adults should just portray an eternal smile and a perfect life.  I don't think it's appropriate to give kids detailed accounts of what's going on, but I don't think it's wrong to explain that life happens, and you pick up and move on either.  After all, they may need the example to follow some day. 

With the adults, since I can't tell them the actual story (and they will ask), I've been telling them my husband got picked up by aliens and replaced by a pod person that just doesn't want to be married anymore (maybe I'm repeating myself.)  Somehow, this has been enough to get people to accept my answer without question, and in some cases, I even get a look of total comprehension and understanding!

In other news- today was my baby's first day of preschool!  The note in his bag said he was good and he came back awfully bouncy. 

With the adults, since I can't tell them the actual story (and they will ask), I've been telling them my husband got picked up by aliens and replaced by a pod person that just doesn't want to be married anymore (maybe I'm repeating myself.)  Somehow, this has been enough to get people to accept my answer without question, and in some cases, I even get a look of total comprehension and understanding!


Confusedfairy, I love your explanation to the adults in your life who want to know. I don't think it is any stranger of a story then what really is.
Great happiness about your little one's first day of preschool.

Debi

Saw some posting to transpeople from a cis-spouse looking to advise them on how to not destroy their marriages on here.  Lots and lots of good advice on there, and thinking about the fact that my spouse showed me articles advising transpeople what to do when coming out (and then promptly ignored almost all of the advice.) 

Having a gloomy day.  Must focus on cuteness and positivity. 

On the cute side:  My son apparently decided he would like to sleep with a pillow at night, so he swiped a pillow off my bed, and tossed it into his crib! (Then demanded to be put in his crib)

And again, the kids probably have no idea how much good they do: I may not feel like I'm a popular teacher, but apparently even some of the more mischievous kids liked me- One visited today in spite of me getting on his case regularly!  Have seen teachers who seem to have every kid in the room on task, well behaved, and never have to lift a finger to get it.  I don't understand how they do it.  Magic perhaps?

Which begs a point of curiosity- for those of you with spouses that are out of the closet- did you tell your coworkers, and if so, how did that work out?

In answer to your question, by the time we knew what was going on and Tia came out (she was never really in the closet) we were both retired so our work wasn't effected but we were members of a conservative church and we lost many "friends". We did find a church that is very inclusive and loving and have made new friends. It was a hard period though.

Debi

Confusedfairy - my partner is NOT out at all, so no one in the world knows, apart from me, his GP and the gender clinic, and a therapist we used in the past.
I actually find keeping it a secret one of the hardest things. I think most people we know would be supportive but he's terrified. He has no plans to go public.
Syl

Sylvia - I can only imagine how difficult it is to keep that secret, but as someone from 'the other side', and this goes for you too, confusedfairy, I would be horrified if my partner outed me!

Please do not take this point lightly. No matter how much you believe the other person to be receptive, empathetic or sympathetic, never ever out anyone, least of all your partner. I'm not saying either of you would, but thought it necessary to give my pov.

Best wishes to both of you.

On the subject of outing- at this point there are people in my life that are aware, so I do have folks to talk to. To tell fresh people means explaining all of the standard trans stuff, which seems like it would be a nuisance.  Also, the standard trans stuff had little to do with our marriage dissolving, except for the fact that the personality changes she experienced, and certain events that contributed to our marriage's destruction came about with her coming out.  When I explain to trans people/ allies that my spouse's personality, and priorities changed (some just surfaced more clearly),  when she came out to me, I get comprehension.  They understand that this is not, nor has it really ever been, about her being female now (even if I did have concerns for our sex life.)  With the rest of the world: well, I have an aunt that is aware, and is still under the impression my ex should just 'stop this' and that all would be well again.   

Syl: It's worth having at least one person to talk to!  This is a tremendous amount to withstand without somebody to be able to talk to!  The first months before my family was aware were torture! (And my mom could tell that something was up, even if she couldn't tell what it was.)  Granted, I am in a particularly bad situation here, but I would still imagine having to hold this all in under the best of circumstances would be a lot to handle.  Might be worth talking to your spouse about allowing you a confidante.  Hopefully someone in your lives is transfriendly and can function as your sounding board/ vent buddy. But then, you guys know what became of my marriage.  People who got happy endings: thoughts?   

From the beginning Tia and I wanted to have someone besides each other at least praying for us. Even if they didn't know exactly what they were praying about. It helped just knowing that someone was there to lift our name to our Lord when things got tuff. We both chose a friend that knew we were going through crazy times in both our physical and spiritual beings and we would just send a text asking for prayer. Neither friend knew what they were praying for only that we felt a need for it. It helped but I agree with Sylvia that one of the hardest parts of the whole transition were the secrets. I found myself as isolated as my partner had lived all her life. It was a relief to actually open up once she started her transition, even with the fall-out that happened from people who couldn't handle it. With all that said, I also agree with Melanie Jean that it is never right to out someone else even if their story and your story are knotted together.  Has anyone else out their figured out a way around this problem because I do believe that the secrets are one of the things that really harm relationships?

Where or what is your "safe place"? (This was the question I was going to ask in my post for the day but I think it goes along with this thought thread so I'll just add it to this post.)

Debi

secrets.  When I started figuring out things, and told Lori, one of the first things I told her was that it was OK to talk to her sister. She is very close to her youngest sister and also I knew she'd be the most accepting (already having friends that transitioned, some no longer with us :( ). I did not even once think she should handle the bomb that was me all by herself. She would have but it wouldn't have been fair to her at all.

The only 'safe place' I have is a forum I found for wives of TG. It's been a lifesaver as I think it's the only place where my feelings have really been understood. I pm a couple of people on there too, which, again, really helps. And it validates my feelings. I post on here, but I really don't think I get much sympathy from most, to be honest (present company excepted!). I usually get a few coming out of the woodwork with the usual 'if you really loved your partner....etc....' It's not as simple as that.
As for off forums, there isn't anyone I could share with. I don't actually have any close female friends - not the sort I share my secrets with. My partner has never been sociable, so most of our friends have fallen by the wayside over the years. So it's just me and him really....

@Sylvia

I'm sorry that you don't have someone to reach out to that your partner agrees with. Online support is great, to a point. At that point having a one-on-one and eye contact with someone is invaluable.

Quote'if you really loved your partner....etc....' It's not as simple as that.

no it isn't, not by a long shot. I know my wife loves me, I know she doesn't want to leave me, I fully expected it. I firmly believe that we have come as far as we have because I gave her the room to come to terms with it in her own way. Do we still have hurdles, yes we do, we are overcoming them ... one big one left to go and a bunch of little ones. We will probably be tripping over them the rest of our lives.

I was anti-social. We did go out, we did meet people, some we called friends, so the anti-social label may seem odd. I kept a distance, polite but not close. if they came too close, I pushed them away. I think subconsciously I was afraid that they'd figure me out. One couple pushed through that to become as close to friends as anyone ever did. That disappeared once I came out. So, not really friends. One other 'close to friend' hasn't talked to me since word spread (and it does, people love to gossip). I have no idea what his stance is but his silence is deafening.

Sylvia, I will ask my wife again to reach out to you. I can't promise anything.

Faith
ps
I hope I didn't stray too far from the topic at hand.

Sylvia: Also, I may be miserable and can't talk about myself lately, but I'm around!  Feel free to PM me on this site!   (hadn't occurred to me go back to the other one) Gotta say one side of things this site doesn't see as much of, is when transition destroys a marriage.  This site has far more of the happy endings, so there are people here who apparently can't fathom a trans person blowing up their marriage on the transition process (which honestly- you're on here, so clearly you're trying- there are plenty of spouses who head for the hills and call it a day.) 

Plenty of marriages get blown up.  There's a bit of a Mutually Assured Destruction thing there, with the transitioner driven to Do Something to try and escape gender dysphoria often accompanied by severe depression, and the spouse expressing a high degree of fear or loathing for the idea of transition, demanding that there be no change.  There needs to be some accommodation by BOTH parties.

If I had not transitioned, had done nothing to make them uncomfortable as requested, at this point a few years after I came out my spouse would be alone anyway. I don't know know that they would be any better off with a grave to visit than they are now.

Quote from: Sylvia on September 18, 2018, 10:55:07 AM
The only 'safe place' I have is a forum I found for wives of TG. It's been a lifesaver as I think it's the only place where my feelings have really been understood. I pm a couple of people on there too, which, again, really helps. And it validates my feelings. I post on here, but I really don't think I get much sympathy from most, to be honest (present company excepted!). I usually get a few coming out of the woodwork with the usual 'if you really loved your partner....etc....' It's not as simple as that.
As for off forums, there isn't anyone I could share with. I don't actually have any close female friends - not the sort I share my secrets with. My partner has never been sociable, so most of our friends have fallen by the wayside over the years. So it's just me and him really....

What she said. No one in person (except the therapist), but a few online (who have been lifesavers). Too bad they live so far away but I think we are probably fine just talking online. Thanks for being there, Syl :)

Quote from: confusedfairy on September 19, 2018, 09:49:24 AM
This site has far more of the happy endings, so there are people here who apparently can't fathom a trans person blowing up their marriage on the transition process (which honestly- you're on here, so clearly you're trying- there are plenty of spouses who head for the hills and call it a day.)

We have had our share of failed marriages but we do our best to preserve them. The formula is simple. Take it as slow as possible and don't push the transition farther than you need to. The transitioning partner needs to be aware of the needs of their spouse but also be aware than parting under friendly terms may be their only option and parting under unfriendly terms is the worst possible outcome.

Dena, thank you for your description of what to do!  I came into this process very ashamed of myself for feeling the way I did, because my spouse didn't want me to have what I later learned were entirely normal, and legitimate feelings and concerns.  While I've gotten some push back by the occasional trans person on this website, more of what I've gotten from the transfolks on here has been wonderful support and validation of my feelings, and they have been instrumental in helping me get through what has been a truly ghastly process thus far. 

Michelle_P: To be fair to SO's, yes there is some fear and loathing of transition, and some do demand their transspouse not transition, but it is cruel to say that of all SO's, as it is simply NOT true.

In our defense, some of the most common problems I saw on the website Sylvia and Gallinorosa are talking about:

1. This is a MAJOR change in our lives, and transpouse frequently feels they must 'Do Something' IMMEDIATELY, without giving us time to process this MAJOR change (which is major enough to be compared to the feeling of getting widowed, at least initially.)
-some of us have even been berated for crying (literally.)  In spite of showing our support by loaning/buying our partner feminine garments, cosmetics, hair removal items, etc., we still have feelings that we need to work through, and are not permitted that. 

-As Dena pointed out, this can be effectively dealt with by giving us TIME (and possibly hugging us, and etc. when we cry, rather than berating us.)  The successful marriages feature a trans spouse that does exactly this, when I've encountered these couples. 

2. Some of the more hurtful transpouses seem to expect their cis-spouse to change their sexuality overnight.  The lesbian cis-spouse must get used to sex with a partner that has facial hair and no breasts, and the heterosexual cisfemale must now get used to lacy underthings, lipstick, and new anatomy down below.  (These are examples, I know results and genders vary.) 

-Some people start out sexually flexible, but even then, it can still be an adjustment to make, because again, the cis-spouse, at least initially, feels like they are now married to a whole new person.  For folks that are more flexible, they will frequently be able to adjust to this, but they need TIME to do that. And understanding, of course.

-Some people are not as flexible, and simply aren't going to be attracted to their partner's new presentation, no matter how hard they try and want to be, (and in some cases, will unfortunately be blamed for this.)

3. This one will probably irritate some trans people:  PERSONALITY CHANGES! 
A lot of (not all) trans people I've spoken to seem to think the fundamental core personality doesn't change with transition.  Maybe it doesn't, but I would have to guess this is a ymmv situation. 

-In some cases, this is true, and the outer shell personality traits didn't change much either, or the changes were improvements in the eyes of the cis-spouse(such as Debi and Tia's case.)  Hooray for happy endings!
- In some cases, the repression/ whatever else was strong enough that the cis-spouse no longer recognizes the person they're married to, because the personality IS so drastically changed, at least in the eyes of the spouse.  Lots of accounts of this online. 
-Sometimes, the core personality may not be changed, but the facade/repression concealed/ameliorated the less compatible core personality traits, and no more facade/repression means this marriage will no longer work because the core personalities were never compatible to begin with. 

4. Some of us have financial/ medical concerns for our family/ spouse where transition is concerned.  Not going to get into details here, but please don't blame people that are essentially telling you they don't want their trans spouse to die.  It's not easy to say "I don't want you to die" and be viewed as the bad guy, in spite of simply wanting to keep your spouse alive.  Not as common, but is also a real occurrence that happens. 

  Again, please do not make the assumption that it is always a matter of the SO who needs to be more understanding.  And certainly, do NOT post it in a thread where some of the people are describing feeling hurt, alone, and hopeless.  The SO's here ALL voluntarily began using a transgender friendly support website.  If they wanted to wholly reject transition, there are probably better websites to frequent.  There's a posting on the transgender pages that describes how to not blow up a marriage, where the author points out that there are some SO's who commit suicide over this.  Suicide is not usually an act of blame, it is an act by somebody who feels helpless.  Please be more considerate. 

Ok, Michelle_P, sorry, came off quite cranky there.  Reread your post and noticing you're not as extreme as I made you out to be.  Sorry!  (I've ended up taking a lot of heat just for being a spouse with a crumbling marriage on this website, even if there are more people that are supportive than critical.) 

Quote from: Debi on September 16, 2018, 01:41:20 PMHas anyone else out their figured out a way around this problem because I do believe that the secrets are one of the things that really harm relationships?

It never occurred to me to swear my wife to secrecy.  I knew I could trust her to respect my needs while she looked after hers.  So, while I didn't want the secret to get out locally to people we associate with face-to-face, I had no problem at all when she talked it over with her email friends on the other side of the continent.  She held a security clearance of Secret in her working days, so I knew I could count on her to compartmentalize appropriately.

So, she was able to talk freely so some of her old work friends by email when she knew there would be no blowback, and I was able to keep my transition secret locally until the time was right.  She even shared some of the responses she got from her friends with me, which were truly heart-warming and supportive for us both.

Trust was what made it work.  I trusted my wife not to divulge anything in a way that would jeopardize me, and she trusted her friends not to spread the word any farther.  As a result, she was able to get the support she needed.

My wife also got support from the local trans support group.  One meeting a month is a "Plus 1" meeting, where significant others are welcome.  The contacts she made there gave her another avenue of support.

Thanks everyone for being here. I appreciate your pointing out that my spouse's coming out might say as much about me as it does about her. For example, I am finding that I am very comfortable as a bisexual. Also, I have kept her transition a secret from the people closest to us for years, so I am apparently good at keeping secrets.  :-X

Keeping secrets is something that I don't enjoy, but her transitioning is something that I respect and support, entirely on her terms. I love when she wants me to find a certain "female" item for her, online or at a store. I welcome the entire expression of who she is. I never fell in love with her masculinity or any part of her male facade. I fell in love with the person inside her soul; the one who is the core of who she is, and that's the person whom I enjoy interacting with.

So my question for all you SOs is: What do you want to do or accomplish for yourself in the next year?


Debi
[/quote]


I want to get the house ready to sell and make a decision about staying/going.

Lantana:
My goals for this year:
1. Work on healing from the damage done by this marriage- try to develop some sort of positive self image, learn to trust human beings again, etc. (ideally, therapy will figure in this component of the plan, assuming she finally texts me back.)
2. Find my new 'normal' life state- routines, fun stuff, hobbies, budgets.
3. Have as much fun as possible with the tiny human. 

Confusedfairy:  "assuming she finally texts me back"  That is so sad...  Yes, enjoy the small human.  They become big before you turn around.  It boggles my mind that my daughter is 30.  You mean she isn't still wearing black patent leather Mary Janes?

Hi,
  I am the SO to a mtf. She transitioned in February of this year. We are married 34 years. We have two grown daughters that are out of the house. We are getting to know each other again and plan to travel more often.