Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey.

I write more detailed story of my life in my introduction thread (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,240111.msg2165116.html#msg2165116). It contains a lot of side information and only few sentences about gender dysphoria. It just describe my path which leads me here and, I hope, explains, why I'm so determined and angry. Maybe, it'l help someone. Maybe even inspire. Maybe disgust. Doesn't matter, you'll have it here. Here I just want to describe my current condition related to gender issues.

I don't know love. My life full of anger and desperate. Time works against me - though I'm only 27 yo and it looks like I have all life ahead, I feel how death comes closer and closer with my age, and since it wasn't healthy life I think I will be lucky to survive long enough to see my 60. I see no point in living this life as male. I have almost nothing to lose, I already ruined my life. So hell why don't I take all remains of my rage under control and make another run to my dream?

I can be good or evil, happy and desperate, rude and polite, tough and soft, kind and indifferent, courageous and cowardly, angry and calm, and whatever else. To hell all stereotypes, I won't restrict myself with girly things and wanna all of this. But I want feel and experience it as woman, not man. I always fought alone for what I want, and I can endure few more fights.

I also decide to come out to my family. I came to my father yestarday with confessing. He don't approve my choice and think all LGBT stuff comes from loafers who don't know how to spend free time, but we both know nothing can stop me except financial matters - if there was something else, I'd live much easier life. We strangers anyway, he have his family and I don't want to intervene, just informed him in attempt to prepare myself to conversation with mother. I want my family awared.

Right now my plans are settled. If I successfully get to college I can spend my savings to pass comission and start HRT. If I don't then I delay comission and HRT and spend my savings on private teacher. And while I waiting for updates I just trying to feminize my voice though today I was so disappointed in it that gets myself drunk. Will get back to work tomorrow.

Have a good day/night, people.

Chronology
long time ago - feelings about being different
somewhere around 2007-2008 - feelings became stronger, wondering "what if I am girl somewhere inside?"
2016 - learning about existance of transgenders
spring of 2018 - conversations with armerican counselor via internet, accept myself as Alice
16 apr 2019 - first conversation with psychiatrist
24 apr 2019 - conversation with psychologist
30 apr 2019 - second conversation with psychiatrist, first with endo (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,240316.msg2248317.html#msg2248317)

@Vesh
Hello again Vesh: 
Thank you for posting your personal thread here on the Forums.  You can treat this as your journal that documents your life events as you contemplate your transitions journey and the goals that you may achieve.

If you feel comfortable doing so you can supplement some of your postings with pictures.

This journal of yours will help you keep track of your progress and at the same time it will allow other members here to rejoice with you when you report good things .... and support you with their thoughts and words when you report not so good news.

Now that you have started your personal journal you will find that lots of other members will be able to read and follow and share with you.  All of that will be of encouragement to you and to them.

Thanks again for starting your personal thread.
I will check in here often to see how things are going for you.

Best wishes to you,
Danielle

Heya Vesh!

Thanks for starting this thread, also that's really courageous that you came out to your family! Most people don't understand immediately, they need time to process it, just like many of us need time to develop ourselves before 'hatching.'

I'm really glad that you have a plan going forward, too! Sometimes we get 'doubt days' for me it usually is because I do poorly with my makeup or something, but it's certainly possible with practicing your voice. Everything will take time, so do try to take care of yourself and don't move too fast!

Much love,
Eryn

Danielle, thanks again for stopping by and for supporting me in PM :)

Eryn, it was easy with father. We almost strangers, a bit friendly. I don't want to say he doesn't care, I'm his child, after all. But he really understand he cannot change thing so he just said his opinion and wish me to think some more time. Dammit, and if I should wait another year for getting into college I definitely will lol :D I don't know why I still shaking in front of mom though. She's one of very few people who can make me explode with my anger in matter of seconds, it usually too hard for anyone. Wish me luck, she's back home and now it's time :D

QuoteI'm really glad that you have a plan going forward, too! Sometimes we get 'doubt days' for me it usually is because I do poorly with my makeup or something, but it's certainly possible with practicing your voice. Everything will take time, so do try to take care of yourself and don't move too fast!

I'm just a little turtle making her way through the coast to ocean-home with hope evil humans don't make a soup with me :D Sometimes I'm stop to gather my thoughts and maybe have a nice little time inside my shell but I moving on :)

UPD. Actually, that was easier than I expected. I'm not a child anymore and perhaps she started respect my own opinion. She was confused but don't argue with me. Told it is my life. I promised her not run to cut my balls tomorrow and do everything after think carefully :D

I'm actually relieved I don't need to argue with parents. Others... insignificant, but my family is people who tied with me for entire life. We had a bad past with a lot of supression and anger and fights but it seems I finally have peace in my home.

Hello Vesh
I am so very glad for you starting your own thread.
I also think you're very courageous for coming out to your father, please give him a little time to process this information. Please don't blame him too much if he doesn't accept you he's probably like my father that really never did and never wanted to even talk about it but I don't blame him because he really wanted the best for me as I'm sure your father does but they probably have limited knowledge about us and don't realize this is not a lifestyle change for us it's merely the way we came out of our mother's womb. It's not like one day we just decided to be trans we had no choice in it whatsoever.
I am very glad though things are going better with your mother.

I am extremely glad though that you are starting to feel a sense of family here because it truly is, talking about it with those among your own kind is excellent therapy and I know you cannot do that in your country but know we are all here for you with unconditional support.
  I can already sense a little change in you my friend from when I had the pleasure to first talk to you. I can tell that you let your guard down a little here which I think is wonderful because everyone here cares for you and only wants the very best for you.
That's what we do here we all try to help each other as best we can.
But that being said I most certainly hope your guard is up on high Edge and all your anger is used appropriately to defend yourself against the dangers that are real in your country.
I can definitely understand where you got all this Anger from, I'm sure if most of us lived in your shoes through your life we would be the same.
  I know that you are very intelligent and could be a doctor if you want but I do understand how the trans situation could complicate this and it seems like you're at a Crossroads between your career and living free as your inner identity wants to.
I wish someone here had all the answers for you but only you can answer this for yourself.
At least now you can feel the burden lifted of not being able to have anyone to talk to because we are all here for you and we'll do our best in any way possible to help you.
Please take your time with practicing for your transition which I believe has started a long time ago in your head.
Like they say, Rome wasn't built in a day, I believe if you continue on interacting with everyone here it will make it much easier for your future.
I really think you're doing wonderful far better than I did when I started and know that I'm very proud to have you as a friend, and it'll be very interesting to see where our lives take us in years to come.

Much love and happiness to you GF
  Tanya (Vesh taught me that this is
                 an abbreviation for Tatiana
                  In her country)

Heey it's my gf Tanya ^_^
Yeah, it sounds far less official and a bit shorter :)

QuoteI also think you're very courageous for coming out to your father, please give him a little time to process this information. Please don't blame him too much if he doesn't accept you he's probably like my father that really never did and never wanted to even talk about it but I don't blame him because he really wanted the best for me as I'm sure your father does but they probably have limited knowledge about us and don't realize this is not a lifestyle change for us it's merely the way we came out of our mother's womb. It's not like one day we just decided to be trans we had no choice in it whatsoever.

Well it wasn't so courageous. Like I said we're strangers, he have his new family since I was child, and we rarely interacted.  Mostly I was afraid about mother due our history, she used to express her opinion like it's the only one and suppressing me with her age and experience. I'm glad she finally accept it that I can have my own thoughts and make my own decisions. Actually I still shocked :D

QuoteI am extremely glad though that you are starting to feel a sense of family here because it truly is, talking about it with those among your own kind is excellent therapy and I know you cannot do that in your country but know we are all here for you with unconditional support.

We all here for same reasons and it seems Susan wanna have family athmosphere here so yeah, I feel myself awkward but trying to be talkative and helpful :)

QuoteI know that you are very intelligent and could be a doctor if you want but I do understand how the trans situation could complicate this and it seems like you're at a Crossroads between your career and living free as your inner identity wants to.
I wish someone here had all the answers for you but only you can answer this for yourself.

Right now it mostly matter of money, I just have enough to put my savings into one or another way. I'm sure most intelligent people doesn't care about whatever person doing until it touch them or lower one's efficiency and I really hope they are intelligent in college but you never know >_< I heard story about surgery resident who have no idea why blood turns black on air and often making dumb mistakes and it makes me worried for his "clients".

QuotePlease take your time with practicing for your transition which I believe has started a long time ago in your head.

Yeah, it was started long ago. Half of my life I imagine myself in female body without being able to even crossdress (well there was possibilities but I was a little afraid of mom and soon became too big for it anyway).

Thanks for warm feelings :) I'm glad I send you dat first PM, you're my chosen one here and I happy to be your friend :)

I'm glad that your mom is understanding you have your own valid thoughts, too!

I think one thing that really helps others understand is when they see how being transgender improves other aspects of your life as well, like your anger and stuff, that I know Tatiana dealt with, too. And for me, I sort of didn't take care of my self physically at all, but wanting to be feminine, pushed me to actually care about my appearance and my health. That is a positive, regardless of gender.

I wanna help this little turtle reach the sea, where she belongs! *hugs*

Thanks Eryn *hugs* :)
[qoute]I sort of didn't take care of my self physically at all[/quote]
Yup I know dat feel bro! :D Got my problems already, now trying to fix it.

Forgot to update, I failed to attend into college, so I have to spend my savings to pay some teacher, obviously study on my own didn't work good enough. So I guess my HRT delayed for year. Well, parents ask me to think about transition twice, now I certanly have some time :D Not that I'm not thought about it for decade...

Quote from: Eryn T on August 25, 2018, 03:19:28 AM

I think one thing that really helps others understand is when they see how being transgender improves other aspects of your life as well, like your anger and stuff, that I know Tatiana dealt with, too. And for me, I sort of didn't take care of my self physically at all, but wanting to be feminine, pushed me to actually care about my appearance and my health. That is a positive, regardless of gender.

I wholeheartedly agree, Eryn.

In so many cases I have known family members to disapprove of transgender matters and oppose transition only to gradually change their mind after witnessing the transitioner being so happy instead of previously constantly miserable

Secondly if we have the wrong body, we are often indifferent to appearance and clothing as don't want them but in private crossdressing or parttime or fulltime being our true selves, we make the effort because we want to look our best!

Hugs to all

Pamela

Thanks for your posts.  Your life story so far, although not happy, is interesting and inspiring.  I wish you well.

QuoteYour life story so far, although not happy, is interesting and inspiring.  I wish you well.

Thanks you. I hope so, that's the reason I brought everything here. I just wanted to share it.

Aaand who the beep is Alice? Here a little story :)

This Sunday I spent in forest with my friends cooking some meat and drinking some beer... And in such athmosphere we talked a little about my situation. They already know about it for a while - told them almost month ago. It was something brief like:
- hey I have a problem!
- Do it related to me?
- Nope, just FYI.
- Ok then give me beer and let's pretend there was nothing.
My friends such supportive :D Well they don't judge me so I'm not complaining. Anyway, I didn't push this topic, and was a bit confused when they brought it up pre-yesterday. It was so awkward, they don't know how to talk about it, I have same problems, so we just joked around. They also ask me be careful with all that HRT stuff because it can ruin my health they told.

Well that's the reason I'm waiting untill I'll be able to pass through commission and receive endo attention, it would be stupid to do everything by myself (though I'm ready if things will go wrong, but it doesn't make things smarter -_-). That also reason I'm trying quit smoking. It's quite hard, if I don't smoke few hours I wanna run in panic and climb the walls, but things becoming smoother. I cut it to single cig per day and soon stop it completely. My dear Tanya inspiring me, so it becomes easier :)

I also ask my friend if he have something against me wearing name "Alice". You know, I took the list with female names (there was dozens!) and cut it to 3, then realise there is only one I want. So I didn't choose it. But it also was a name my bestie wanna use for his hypothetical daughter so I didn't want him to develop some dislike to the name. Soo, we talked about it and it seems he don't mind. Thanks for @Jessica and @Cindy I now wearing it here. It such a little thing, but I can't do more at this moment except name in internet and voice practicing (which still awful). Pity.

I hate waiting. But now everything narrows to wait for delivery my employment history. I changed so many places and everything in past was so blurred that I can't remember where and when I worked, but need it for start looking new job. So, my current priorities: get employment history -> find new job -> find teacher -> get to the college -> pass through commission (for me it's quite expensive) and start HRT. If I'll be lucky and find nice job I'll be able to study and passing through comission at same time.

Hey, Alice! That's really cool you have such laid-back friends.

"I have a problem!"
"You got a problem with ME?!"
"No, not related to you."
"Oh, ok. cool"

That's just very funny, to me.  Alice is a great name, and it's very considerate of you to talk with your friend since they thinking about naming their future daughter Alice.

I don't know if this'll help you at all. But I think many of my worse habits disappeared the further I transition, and I'm expecting this even moreso while on HRT. There's like an inner calm that you reach which reduces you need for addictive substances or habits(somewhat). Like, I used to swirl dirt, hair, or snot between my fingers constantly as a nervous tick and since I start transitioning, I haven't felt any inclination to do so. Same with rubbing or scratching my forehead constantly, now I never really do it.

Those are not comparable to smoking, but I definitely think you're on the right track already, since you know you want to quit eventually, and you're already reducing how often you do it.

I'm really proud of ya, hun!

Much love,
Eryn

Hey. There's nothing important, just wanna mark this period.

You may see my activity here reduced greatly. Somedays I even don't read anything just check for new PM. It isn't because I don't like this place, it's great resource, and I wanna be more active, but I just lacking of time.

In purpose of losing weight I start walking lol. Most of my life I sticked to computer and now I find it fun to just walking around and burning cals haha. And until it fun, I spend a lot of time for it. It's ok for me just leave home for 5-6 hours and walk 20-25 km now (though still adjusting, can fall asleep in middle of converstaion lol; when I type message to one of my friends here, I almost shutted down few times haha). There's diet too, ofc. Now I know that Snickers Super cost me ~9 km haha. My weight have it's pros... I mean, it helps me burn cals faster via activities ;)

So, as I said somewhere, I'm on hiatus. When I have time I read and answer, though mostly in PM (or in some cases, in e-mail and whatsup). I'm still with you :)

Current status:
- losing weight - in process, lost ~5 kg in 3 weeks;
- quit smoking - 29 days without smoking;
- looking for new job - in process, still nobody want me :D ;
- studying - I put that on pause, first I need money to fund everything :D

We all need a break sometimes.  Life has its priorities that send us in other directions. 
I do enjoy reading your posts and hope you find time for us in the very near future.

Quote from: Alice V on September 29, 2018, 08:44:51 AM
Hey. There's nothing important, just wanna mark this period.

You may see my activity here reduced greatly. Somedays I even don't read anything just check for new PM. It isn't because I don't like this place, it's great resource, and I wanna be more active, but I just lacking of time.

In purpose of losing weight I start walking lol. Most of my life I sticked to computer and now I find it fun to just walking around and burning cals haha. And until it fun, I spend a lot of time for it. It's ok for me just leave home for 5-6 hours and walk 20-25 km now (though still adjusting, can fall asleep in middle of converstaion lol; when I type message to one of my friends here, I almost shutted down few times haha). There's diet too, ofc. Now I know that Snickers Super cost me ~9 km haha. My weight have it's pros... I mean, it helps me burn cals faster via activities ;)

So, as I said somewhere, I'm on hiatus. When I have time I read and answer, though mostly in PM (or in some cases, in e-mail and whatsup). I'm still with you :)

Current status:
- losing weight - in process, lost ~5 kg in 3 weeks;
- quit smoking - 29 days without smoking;
- looking for new job - in process, still nobody want me :D ;
- studying - I put that on pause, first I need money to fund everything :D

@Alice V
Thank you for your advance notice of your plans so we all don't worry about you while you are in your self-imposed hiatus.
Certainly we all need to have some time to take care of our personal lives....
....we all have a lot more going on in our lives than just what we are doing here on the Susan's Forums.

Good news about your endeavor to continue with your weight loss which by itself takes a lot of determination and willpower.... and your personal time that you must devote to exercising, walking, etc.

Kudos to you on the other very important personal issues that you are working on....
*quitting smoking
*looking for a new job
*studying
*money

All of the above takes time, sometimes more time than we have available so many times, as in your situation, we have to cut back in some areas.
Come back to visit the Forums whenever you can... we will be here...
....but certainly your priorities have to be your real-life activities.

Wishing you well,
Danielle

Hey everyone.

This year could be better, but I lived much worse. At beginning of the year I've met a lot of troubles at work due merge, and just recalling this still drives me mad, and after 6 months of working at this job I quit and found another. It exhausts me as hell, and after 3 months without smoking I started smoke again, and in addition for relax I sink in Path of Exile, which is main reason I don't visit this forum much last time :) Anyway, it pays better and it keeps me motivated, I started enjoying my work again.

Also at beginning of this year I started looking for solution of my gender issue, and it appears it requires some big steps. I still didn't started transition because despite of new work which was part of my plan I need little more for stabilizing my position, and I have to wait a little more. Maybe I also fear upcoming changes and just delaying it unconsciously, but hey it's a big decision and I want to be prepared as much as possible :)

Anyway, after celebration I gonna quit smoking again and maybe play games little less and perhaps I will visit more often :)

Happy New Year everyone :) Be reasonable humans at first place, stay alive and well. Cya in 2019!

@Alice V
I have enjoyed reading your updates as you progress through your journey. 
Obviously some bumps in the road that all of us experience but any time that you report good news, it outshines any of that bad news.
 
I am so very happy that I found you and your thread on the Forums this year and I will be eagerly following your upcoming reports and updates in the New Year in 2019.

Wishing you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR  in 2019...

Hugs and as always, well wishes.

Danielle

Thanks, Dani :)

Dunno if you folks celebrating new year but we here launching a lot of fireworks, it sounds like artillery shots. In air I can already feel smell of powder. Dammit, I heard some dogs dying due sounds of explosions.

Hello from 2019! Wish you best :)

Quote from: Alice V on December 31, 2018, 01:34:08 PM
Hey everyone.

This year could be better, but I lived much worse. At beginning of the year I've met a lot of troubles at work due merge, and just recalling this still drives me mad, and after 6 months of working at this job I quit and found another. It exhausts me as hell, and after 3 months without smoking I started smoke again, and in addition for relax I sink in Path of Exile, which is main reason I don't visit this forum much last time :) Anyway, it pays better and it keeps me motivated, I started enjoying my work again.

Also at beginning of this year I started looking for solution of my gender issue, and it appears it requires some big steps. I still didn't started transition because despite of new work which was part of my plan I need little more for stabilizing my position, and I have to wait a little more. Maybe I also fear upcoming changes and just delaying it unconsciously, but hey it's a big decision and I want to be prepared as much as possible :)

Anyway, after celebration I gonna quit smoking again and maybe play games little less and perhaps I will visit more often :)

Happy New Year everyone :) Be reasonable humans at first place, stay alive and well. Cya in 2019!

Hi Alice,

I've been away and busy with my wife and son for the summer holidays over xmas (NZ) so I haven't been on SP much. I'm glad to hear you've got a new job - I hope it's still going well for you.  What sort of work do you do?
Transitioning is a very big decision so its worth thinking about how you can make it work for your life.  The hardest part of it for me so far are a few comment and questions from my sons friends, only 9 years old and I can answer their questions easily but I don't want my son to get hassled by other kids or lose friends because of me - so I do find that I answer their questions very carefully. 

I hope you year is going well, I will also try and get onto SP a bit more to chat to you lovely girls.

Take care,

Sonja.

Thanks, Sonja! I answered you in PM :)

Another little (or big, depends) update. I think I found my voice. Have to work with it though to make it shine but I think soon you'll hear something from me :D Ofc right after Eryn, promised her that she'll be first :)

Quote from: Alice V on February 13, 2019, 04:07:43 AM
Thanks, Sonja! I answered you in PM :)

Another little (or big, depends) update. I think I found my voice. Have to work with it though to make it shine but I think soon you'll hear something from me :D Ofc right after Eryn, promised her that she'll be first :)

@Alice V
OH wow Alice!! I can't wait!! Please definitely let us know when you are ready so we can listen to your voice.

Take care,

Sonja XO

Huh, time for some update, I suppose.

Well, 16 apr 2019 I visited psychiatrist. First visit was a bit awkward - I dunno what I should said and doc just asked some questions. You know, I'm bad with asking for help and explaining people what I need and what I want. Partially that's due my habit to deal with everything I face alone, and just didn't get used to it. But also half of my wishes and actions working on instincts and I have no idea "why", and that "why" is what doc interested in.  At the end of conversation she said that I'm out of standarts (I wonder if they said it to every trans entering into their clinic) and they need to run full check on me to exclude some conditions.

24 apr 2019 I visited my second doc. Actually, many people doesn't consider psychologists as doctors, but anyway. After such conversation with psychiatrist I prepared myself to defence, but this one was actually nice. She made me feel safe and created friendly athmosphere in seconds and I just melted and told her everything XD This time I even asked for little break to drink some water because I rarely speak so much. Actually, place itself is quite friendly. Guess not many such clinics in Russia, probably, 1 in each Moscow and Saint-Petersburg.

Then 30 apr 2019, new psychiatrist. Some old questions, some new questions, a bit friendlier athmosphere, "out of standarts" conclusion in the end. Actually, I think I could've make this process easier by forging classic story about "I always wanted to be girl, constantly dressing", probably, with pinch of "I wanna be with my male friend and became woman for him" (that things works here lol), but I decided to walk through all this by myself, with all my tough character and non-classic story where most of my problems barely connected to my dysphoria and more related to stupid decisions that everyone making.

Because I actually don't have much problems with living as male. I even don't hate my body, I just don't care about it now. And, let's be objective, stand and aiming while pee is convenient (yeah, I said that). I mean, I understand some pros and cons. But nonetheless I don't feel myself male, and I just want to be more myself and bring some harmony in my life, I wanna love my body instead of having no feelings at all. What will change, they asking. Ask damn fortune teller, please. They don't like answer "I will be myself", they need facts about future lol. Reminds me that HR "Where do you see yourself in five years?" stuff. Stupid question by itself, but for halfly driven by intuiton me it's just difficult.

Huh. At least, they gave me list of analyses I have to do. By the way, endo was nice too. This was the first person in real world who talk with me as with Alice. Previous could've too, but it was a little awkward to me right now. Though they said one right thing - if I gonna make it, I have to get used to my name. And it was great ^_^

Out of that medical stuff, I continuing practicing voice whenever I can - in home, on work, and I dunno... Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it feels like I forgot everything and have to search correct resonance from start. Maybe I need more practice. But when I hear my clients call me "miss" I melting by happiness XD

=====
Meanwhile (just some boring stuff)
Deputy governor of one region of our great Russia officially declared that medics have to be motivated to work by patriotism.

The problem is that it hard to build patriotism when regular doctor monthly income is around 200$ (and they working 118 hours weekly!) while administration position have thousands. It's amusing. Patriotism such funny thing. "If there's in Russia someone talking about patriotism, be sure that something was stolen"©

If Alice became sarcastic and cynic (more than usual), then it's beginning of May month. Labor day is something bearable, but right after that, 9 may, we have Victory Day, when our grands marched through Berlin in 1945. And here we go... Thousands and millions talking all kind of "We can do it again!" and "Thanks for victory, grandfather" stuff, they expressing pride for our "great" nation, but all I can feel is shame and grief. Wake up, idiots, it was our ancestors who build great USSR and with huge losses stop Germany attack on east front. It was our ancestors who launched first human into space. It was our parents and us who fckd everything up and let USSR die. With few exceptions, we have nothing to be pride of. We should be ashamed, because our greatest minds leave this rotting corpse of Soviets and found better places. We should be ashamed, because we let few bands raise and become government to rob people under protection of law. We should be ashamed, because we let them destroy our production. But instead they pride and show patriotism. Pathetic herd of brainwashed sheeps who won't recognise independent thinking even if someone whip them with it.

Members of one magazine placed posters with quotes from Constitution of RF. Local authorities forbid that actions first because "ads with info from Constitution cannot be placed near schools" then because it is extremism. So, now anyone who read Constitution becoming terrorist? Cool. I bet, if our government will do something that improving things for people, it would be totally by mistake. This country is broken, please, give us another to play with.

General blood test, biochemical blood test, coagulogram, general testotsterone test, estradiol, prolactin, LH... I wonder if I have enough blood for all this tests :D How much do we have? 4-5 liters? Lol.

Worst part is that I have to do it on an empty stomach -_- I love to eat! >_<
I'll just try to go bed at 10 PM. Likely I will fail and will just tossing and turning until 2 am, but I'll try.

upd. 1 AM. I definitely failed  ;D

Huh, they are faster than light. Just yestarday they took my blood and today I already get results.
I like tests. It gives me info about my current health. More than that I like positive results. Most parameters in normal state, but some little higher or lower. I wonder what does that means and can't wait my next visit to the doctor. Ofc, I made my own small research, but hey, I don't have qualification to make any real conclusion. Right now I can only scare myself with heart-liver-anemia-cancer stuff :D In the end it probably turns that everything ok, and I just don't drink enough water or maybe I should reconsider my ration. My friend (he's doctor on x-rays and MRI) said I have fine results for man :D Well, biologically it's ok, but I hope to change it ^_^

7 may I have to make ultrasound of my balls and that will be all I need at this stage.

========

The more I think about myself as about Alice, the more I feel my dysphoria. For entire life I wear armor of sarcasm and indifference, posturing myself as cold-hearted machine and looking at my body just like it nothing more than vehicle for my mind. But when my doc said she need to take a look at my body, and I was presented as transgender woman, first time in my life I felt myself ashamed about untidiness. Talking as Alice not just in internet but in real life makes me wish to be as much feminine as I can. I wanna remove all this body hair (actually, I already shaved some places), remove my balls. My connection to body becomes stronger and so does dysphoria.

In my plans including hair removal, asking my named sis to help me with cosmetics and buying some outfit (I found services which anonymously deliver packages into postamats and it helps - I ain't ready for shopping in person haha) :) But first things first, can't afford this to myself while spending money in clinics.

I think if I didn't learn about TG existance two years ago, I'd live my gray-colored life in surety that I doomed to be man to, let's say, 50 years or around and then take suicidal coctail for painless death. Now I have purpose.

On the whole, everything seems to be going well.  Please continue to keep us informed.  The media in the West have a lot of negative stories about the treatment of LGBT people in Russia but from what you have written recently, the reality does not seem to be quite so bad, at least for trans people.

I hope that my interpretation is correct and that everything contines to go well for you personally. 

Quote from: MaryT on May 04, 2019, 12:33:43 PM
On the whole, everything seems to be going well.  Please continue to keep us informed.  The media in the West have a lot of negative stories about the treatment of LGBT people in Russia but from what you have written recently, the reality does not seem to be quite so bad, at least for trans people.

I hope that my interpretation is correct and that everything contines to go well for you personally. 

Well, I'm live in Moscow, and it is something different, than entire Russia. People here more open-minded, more busy and doesn't care much about others. Though even here you can meet haters, mostly people just don't wasting time on each other. And yup, we have two verified friendly clinics for TG in Russia, and one of them located in St. Petersburg, our north capitol, and second in Moscow - I attended to it. So, what I trying to say, I'm lucky to live in our most progressive city.

As for treatment itself... Here we have to wait until our psychiatrist say that we aren't mentally ill, then we passing through council of few doctors from adjacent disciplines - psychiatrist, psychologist, sexologist, endocrynologist. They looking on results of tests, conclusions from each other, questioning person, and, if everything fine, give that person permission to start HRT.
HRT only isn't enough for docs change though. We still don't have regulations for that process, so if you lucky you can get permission on documents change in court, otherwise you won't receive it until you post-op.

And on every stage TG will likely meet somebody who consider them mad, mentally unstable. People don't want understand us, they mostly stubborn and stagnant. That related not just to TG theme, it is our reality - many medics reached their position they consider top for themself (because one need to have connections to move higher), and sit there without even trying to improve their knowledge. Why, if nobody demand it from them? From my friends-doctors I mostly hear stories about how good medics was throwed down in dirt or how bad medics cannot be fired because of connections with more powerful people. With good people leaving hospitals and idiots staying there, it's hard to find the right treatment for anything, including TG.

And we're just generally harsh, close-minded, conservative and etc. Our people hate anyone who out of standarts, and they will humiliate those persons until they tired. In combination, yup, we have to be lucky to receive normal treatment.

So, basically, problem not just in hate toward LGBT+, it lies in general degradation of our people. They cling to Orthodox Church, to prison code, they don't want to learn something new and open their minds to new reality.

===========

Meanwhile

Our Emperor approved the project "Safe Runet". They will gather all networks in our country and unite them into one global Runet under govenment control. On papers, it should save .ru segment of internet if USA will cut us from www. In practice, it is new Iron Curtain for us. They will censore everything they don't like, providing us only info they consider "appropriate". So, if I will suddenly disappear, know that TG info considered dangerous for our great society.

Although things may have been going well, you do seem to be walking a tightrope.  I didn't know about the planned runet and I hope that we can continue to read how you are getting on.

QuoteAlthough things may have been going well, you do seem to be walking a tightrope.

That's our reality. You think that leaders can't do something more stupid, but they continue to surprise you. Heard something like that about american president.

And I wonder what awaits me after transition. I working with neonazi on the one side and Emperor's loyalist on the other. We don't talk much about our ideologies and work fine together, and I'm curious will it remains the same way.

Ok, even if I'm exaggerating it a bit, that's still my reality (though I'm pretty sure I described things better than they actually are), and in my reality I don't trust people and I'm pretty sure that tomorrow will be worse than yestarday, and I have my reasons to hate our greatest mother Russia and be afraid of almost anything.

My little discussion (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,245975.0.html) with AnneK made me think (thank you, @AnneK ^_^) and I found 4 of 9 symptoms of shizotypal disorder in my behavior and way of thinking. Another 2 questionable. Guess I will have quite interesting conversation with my psychiatrist...

upd. Oh, no, it's begun. Now I have shizotypal disorder or autism. I wonder what I will diagnose next XD
And that's what I talking about. One shouldn't diagnose oneself, even if one have psychiatric diploma. Assessment becoming subjective and, in my case, unprofessional.

Hey. Today is my 24-h shift, and after hot day chill evening-night has begun, so I decided to watch some good Starcraft 2. I opened SC2 Starladder channel, found first random video, and that was korean tournament where korean player Trap played vs canadian player Scarlett. And it appears that Scarlett is transgender woman. Guess which comment was hottest? "Trap vs trap", obviously.

It's disgusting to see how harsh and irrespectable we can be. The only people who call her "she" (except commentator) are those who didn't knew about her transition, and after all that "kind" people revealing the truth they starting call her "he" too. I guess she's lucky not to know about us little hateful homophobic & transphobic russians who offending her in public. At least I hope that she don't know because nobody care what that crazy russians talking between themselves. It was the second video with her I watched, and the second time I feel myself dirty from reading comments.

Little fact: Scarlett was called top female cybersportsman (or cybersportswoman, I don't know if that word exists sorry sounds little ironic but be sure in my own language I call her with right gender marker) in Starcraft 2, and that caused additional burst of hate in past. Well, I'm sure everyone heard about transwomen-athlets who beating cis-women due their bone structure and muscular mass. I think it's wrong to separate men and women in such intellectual sport like cybersport or even chess because even if our birth sex can make us physically stronger than ciswomen, it doesn't affect our mind powers. But people still hates her for that title.

Especially russians. Because, you know, we hate everything and everyone, and even ourselves. We're evil.


But enough of this. I get all my test results, and 14 may will be my second meeting with endo when she'll decide if I physically health to endure HRT.

My friends said I sound like a trap. Very supportive lol. I value them for honesty, after all. Well, then I have to work more on my voice to impress them.

I'm not iron woman even if I wanna to be one. And I cried. But everything will be fine. I'm tougher than this.

So, my friends telling me that I sound like trap, another friend said it was feminine. Today I got a call from bank, they wanted to provide me a loan. They asked if they can hear me and didn't believed me when I told them they talking with me right now because they hear female voice. And I even didn't tried to sound feminine. So complicating.

(https://im2.ezgif.com/tmp/ezgif-2-7dc7f690fe36.png)

Btw, I remembered one curious fact. It's true I didn't saw myself as woman many years, but my anger always had female face. I don't know how to explain it. It seems I took most of my emotions and put it somewhere inside where Alice was, because, actually, no matter if I crying or dreaming about tearing someone's face I always do it as Alice. Whenever I boost my resolve, I do it as Alice. Dammit, my own face and name is really only the fake facade of me (I knew it already but looking from different perspective now).

Hi Alice

Im really pleased and happy to see that you're moving forward with your transition even in your difficult circumstances.  I loved hearing your voice! Thanks xo
I find it very interesting hearing your thoughts about your country and whats going on there- i would encourage you to be as positive and endearing as possible because i think  as Alice you have a great chance to find your true self and find a real reason to smile each day.

Thinking of you and I hope you are well xo

Sonja

Hey Sonja! ^_^

I can be positive and negative in same time, multitask and balance - I find negative in positive and vice versa XD It's nice to know you like my voice, thanks )

Aaand, if you found it interesting...

Meanwhile in Russia: our pilots leaving country and move to China due better working conditions and trippled salary. China requires verification letter from Russian Aviation to confirm that this pilots can fly. What our genies made to keep our best pilots in country? Didn't send verification letter. Well, pilots not idiots, they just moved to China and verify their skills there.
Rus Aviation, you're *not allowed*.
(https://s.tcdn.co/9a2/da4/9a2da40e-fd23-3b44-b374-062398a4ce96/15.png)

I have friend. We've met at fantasy (mostly Harry Potter but not only that) forum. At that moment I was grumpy old->-bleeped-<- with few years history there, and she was seemd like upstart newbie. We both participated in forum RPG and didn't liked each other. I killed her character, she was mad, we fought in PM, told we hate both characters and persons... And we both don't remember, how it came to our current relationships. At some point we became like sisters (well, back then it was bro and sis lol).

Yestarday I impulsively told her about my identity, and though she was shocked, she suddenly started call me Alice and talk to me like to girl. It was so inspiring and for entire evening I free myself from anger and enjoy that warming feeling. It like when you forgot what is tenderness and warm and touch, grow spikes and started to hate all world and suddenly someone softly stroke you and hug. Shock, fallback, uncertain wish for more. I told her my story.

And she found it inspiring for herself. She's at same stage as me couple of years ago, when I didn't knew what to do with my life. I was unsure if my existance have any reasons and what I want from it, I was completely lost. Now when I found myself, she believe that she can do this too. Nope, she isn't trans, but hey cisgenders have their problems too, they are humans. And she wish me to remember what means to be truly happy because it would give her hope. It boosting my resolve to walk down my path, now not only for myself, but for her too.

=======

Meanwhile in Russia

The petition about replacing Bri Larson with woman of color, started by Spike Valentine, gathered 20k supporters. Funny fact, most of them are from Russia, Ukraine and other Commonwealth States. But do not fool yourself, we don't support nor Bri not women of color, we just wanna show how chaotic society can become when people trying to please everyone. And to show that we can control the USA. Oh, dammit, there's already rumors about us choosing new president of the USA ;D

Hey Alice
Thats really awesome that you have a new friend and one that you can be open about your self! I'm really happy for you. Isn't it funny how we can sometimes become friends with people who start out with difficulties...

Take care

Sonja

Quote from: Sonja on May 13, 2019, 11:00:50 PM
Hey Alice
Thats really awesome that you have a new friend and one that you can be open about your self! I'm really happy for you. Isn't it funny how we can sometimes become friends with people who start out with difficulties...

Take care

Sonja

Oh, she isn't new. We know each other many years ;D
In that days I just started to learn how to admit my mistakes. I used to be one who never admit them and believed I always right. It was hard to realise that I do something wrong, but now I have such skill and it's quite helpful :)

Quote from: Alice V on May 13, 2019, 12:38:41 PM
... Oh, dammit, there's already rumors about us choosing new president of the USA ;D

I like.  :laugh:

I'll bet that the FBI and CIA would turn a blind eye next time, if you did.

Quote from: MaryT on May 14, 2019, 01:49:34 PM
I like.  :laugh:

I'll bet that the FBI and CIA would turn a blind eye next time, if you did.

Everything went so good last time, I wonder why they shouldn't ;D

So, endo don't see why I couldn't start HRT, but there was a little mess. Comission doesn't need her conclusion on that, they only need psychotherpist's report that I'm not crazy and they didn't gave me instructions what I have to do so today I was unprepared and now I need to make some more tests. Well, one of them for free, thanks ^_^

Also tried that new toy in snapchat, and I believe something can be achieved just through cosmetics, so I see some potential now :D (here's topic (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,246426.msg2252399.html#msg2252399)):
(https://pp.userapi.com/c850220/v850220120/143fa7/Bf0rgm1DZVs.jpg)
Nope, Danielle, I won't use that for avatar since it still not me.

===
no meanwhile today, didn't had time to learn nasty stuff

Quote from: Alice V on May 14, 2019, 07:49:22 PM
So, endo don't see why I couldn't start HRT, but there was a little mess. Comission doesn't need her conclusion on that, they only need psychotherpist's report that I'm not crazy and they didn't gave me instructions what I have to do so today I was unprepared and now I need to make some more tests. Well, one of them for free, thanks ^_^

Also tried that new toy in snapchat, and I believe something can be achieved just through cosmetics, so I see some potential now :D (here's topic (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,246426.msg2252399.html#msg2252399)):
(https://pp.userapi.com/c850220/v850220120/143fa7/Bf0rgm1DZVs.jpg)
Nope, Danielle, I won't use that for avatar since it still not me.

===
no meanwhile today, didn't had time to learn nasty stuff

You say the picture is not you, but it might have a pretty good chance to become you!  As you stated, make-up and a smile can to really wonders on a face!
You are on the right track, just continue your adventure of becoming a woman!
Hugs
Linde

Hi Alice

Hey I see some great potential!!! Thankyou for sharing, it might not be real yet but there is a future there.

Hope your having a great day

Sonja

Help


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

@Rainbow18 How may I help you?

Upd. according to your another post you looking for binder and where or how to buy it. If that's the case, I'm afraid, I can't help. I live in Russia and you probably somewhere else, and I need to see what that binder is because I have no clue :)

Quote from: Rainbow18 on May 15, 2019, 04:36:55 AM
Help

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

@Rainbow18
Dear Rainbow:
Please know that we are not ignoring your post comment asking for "Help" ....
As our lovely member @Alice V mentioned, your first posting in "FTM Gear" is in the right place to receive replies from other FTM's that will be better informed to give you the information that you are seeking.
           https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,246440.msg2252478.html#msg2252478

Also, on that thread I gave you an Official Welcome message that will give you information and rules that will help you to safely navigate around the Forums.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place
Best Wishes,
Danielle

Yeah, this ^

Sorry, Rainbow, I was a little busy before. I also glad to meet you and welcome here. And about your question... I heard people often use Amazon to order some stuff, you can give it a try, or, at least, google "buy binder" (though dunno how you should build your request since there's a lot of different binders)

Today I had tough conversation with one of my friends. She suggested me stop transition and live like a man. Also she and few others want me to talk with another psychotherapist for two goals. First - listen different opinion in hope I will appear just crazy man which can be cured, lol. Second - to see if my clinic stick to right diagnosis and not just draining my money. Most of my friends are medics and know firsthandedly about dirt and corruption in medicine. I just dunno how they can endure such behavior which shows their bosses. If I was in their shoes I'd already hit somebody or something like that. I mean, I just can't stand it when somebody trying to manipulate me and I know about that (they even don't trying to hide it), I'm too wild for that kind of treatment.

But I can be deceived. I strongly believe I am woman, and when doctors call me Alice I feel myself happy. It can be lie, and they can just making me paying more for my visits before reject me. So it probably will be good idea to consult with one or two more specialists to be sure everything ok. Life made my mind too indomitable to shake it anyway, so unless there won't be solid proofs of my madness I will just leave. It's just... I'm becoming hunger for more. The more I feel myself Alice, the more I'm losing patience and it becoming hard to be rational. I always was impulsive, and it takes a lot to hold myself because I don't want to stop. Always charge and never back, huh.

Well, I hope playing with my new IPL will help me a bit. Yeah, I know what people said here (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,246473.0.html), it isn't permanent, but I think if it will prevent me from shaving 3 times per week it worth it, and I'm not ready for something serious right now.

======

Meanwhile in Russia

Big scandal raging in Ekaterinburg. On picture below red circles shows temples of Russian Orthodox Church (and one another just behind buildings in upper left corner), and green one shows alley of trees where people tend to rest and enjoy strolling. Church with support of our milliarders from 24 and 25 position in Forbs wants to destroy the alley and build SIXTH temple. Why does they need that much holy places? Well, probably because our patriarch is damn bandit who trading smuggled goods (cigarettes, for example) and he wanna some idulgence for himself? But hey, I worried a bit, if he have enough of Lexuses to ride in different one to each temple?

(https://cs11.pikabu.ru/post_img/2019/05/14/11/1557862208118326925.png)

Dozens of bullies appeared after enraged people crushed the fence around construction site protected by Rus Guards. They started beating people who wanted to save serene green place in the middle of city. Burly men with very "spiritual" faces kicked out citizens and restored the fence, but protesters came back and throwed fence into the river.

Keep it up, people. Stand up against corrupted-still-holy scums. Temples are inside us, after all, we do not need much of that hollow stones where church dogs selling stuff against all rules.

Today I learned that most valuable people in my life consider me ill. I thought that they hope it is just some mental desease that can be cured, but today they said pretty clear and without any doubts - I am sick and I need to stop it before it will progress. Guess now I understand how it feels. They didn't accept me, they just pretend to be polite knowing that I respect direct approach. I feel betrayed. Still love them though, and I forgive them, but if they won't change their mind I will drop them. I was prepared to stand alone proudly anyway. And I still have my named sis who fully support me.

My doctors expressing doubts too. They think it's unlikely that I'm sick, but they have to cover their asses so I have to use happiness pills for month to make them sure that I'm still want transition, otherwise they won't do anything further. Okay, I will play this game.

Tomorrow I have appointment with support group. Seems now I have something to tell.

Quote from: Alice V on May 21, 2019, 10:58:05 AM
Today I learned that most valuable people in my life consider me ill. I thought that they hope it is just some mental desease that can be cured, but today they said pretty clear and without any doubts - I am sick and I need to stop it before it will progress. Guess now I understand how it feels. They didn't accept me, they just pretend to be polite knowing that I respect direct approach. I feel betrayed. Still love them though, and I forgive them, but if they won't change their mind I will drop them. I was prepared to stand alone proudly anyway. And I still have my named sis who fully support me.

My doctors expressing doubts too. They think it's unlikely that I'm sick, but they have to cover their asses so I have to use happiness pills for month to make them sure that I'm still want transition, otherwise they won't do anything further. Okay, I will play this game.

Tomorrow I have appointment with support group. Seems now I have something to tell.

This is part of our life as trans people!  My best friends recommended I should be put into a mental institution and receive treatment to get normal again!
I am now a woman, and live happily as a woman, and they are not my friends anymore!

Just continue to live your life, you have only this one chance in life to live it!  You have to do what makes you happy, and not what you believe makes others happy!
Good luck on the transition highway!
Linde

Hi Alice,

I'm sorry to hear about the reaction from those close to you and that your progress has been slowed slightly by having to take happy pills. There is definitely a point at which we all come to realize that everyone who knows us will end up judging us for what we are.  I myself have only experienced this on a very small scale while leaving everyone else who knows me guessing as to why my appearance has changed so much over the last few years including many of them saying how much younger I look....lol ( hey there is a big positive see..!)

But even when we're surrounded by people that support us or don't this is a gate that each of us must walk through by our own conviction.

Stay strong and stay well my friend,

Sonja XO

Linde, Sonja, thanks.

But I was ready to hear that somebody won't accept me. I revealing myself to friends one by one and every time I waiting something like that. Pity it happens with this particular people.
I always do what I want, hate being manipulated, never blindly follow someones opinion. And I will continue my path no matter what they think.

I was scared about how easy I can throw friendship of half of my life into trash, but my sis explained me that it is their choice. My choice was betray myself or do what I want and I already decided it (even before I've met this one). Their is to accept or reject me.